The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 31, Episode 16 - Better off Ned - full transcript

(angry muttering)

(exclaims)

(school bell ringing)

(tires screeching)

D'oh!

(tires screeching)

(grunts)

MAN (laughs):
Ha-ha-ha!

And that's why, if you go
to that little town in France,

there's a statue of me
surrendering.

See?



Wow, Grampa, your stories
are really cool today.

Yeah, the nursing home finally
stopped using me as the placebo

and gave me real meds.
(laughs)

(rapid clicking)

But what I really wanted to do
today was to give you this,

my most precious possession.

(eerily):
Open it.

? ?

(gasps)

It'll explode in just five
seconds if you pull the pin.

Uh-oh. Senior moment!

Put it back! Put it back!

It don't work that way!
It's like having a kid!

(both scream)



- Say your prayers, boy.
- Never!

(whimpers)

Hmm?

Ha, ha! I pranked ya.

(laughing)

Grampa, that was hilarious.

I understand if the answer's no,

but can I borrow
your dud grenade?

(snoring)

Aw, he's asleep.

That means yes.

(whistling a tune)

This year, we've just been named
the most sedentary school

- in the state.
- STUDENTS: Yay!

Yay!

No. No, no.
Sedentary is a bad thing.

Our vocabulary score
was also abysmal.

- Is that a bad...
- It's a bad thing, yes.

- RALPH: Yay!
- Now to get you kids

up on your feet,
we decided to have

a two-hour-long sit-down
assembly instead of recess.

No fair!

- Sit down.
- Yes... ma'am.

To kick things off,
please welcome the new mascot

from the town's semi-amateur
hockey team, Vinnie the Vulture.

- RALPH: Yay!
- (fanfare plays)

(grunts)
Hey, kids.

Milhouse, you didn't tell me
your dad got another bad job.

Actually, he's the understudy.

The main guy got shingles.

(grunting)

Ugh, there's a bee in my beak!

Okay, taking a break. Ow!

How many-- ow! How many stingers
can one be have?!

- God!
- Uh...

How about a little
show-and-tell?

I'll go first!

- (students gasp)
- Don't worry.

It is a live grenade,
but it won't go off

as long as you don't
pull the pin out.

(gasps)
Ay, caramba!

(groans)

(students screaming, clamoring)

Climb in my ass hatch, son.

(grunting)

(gasps)

? ?

(Bart laughs)

It was all just a joke.

You monster.
You had me finally believing

the school would be destroyed,
and you took it away.

I didn't think
it was funny either, Bart.

You have no idea
how far up in there I went.

(siren wails)

Mom, you heard there was
an emergency and you came?

Oh, well, actually,
I was just having a sleepover

with your uncle...
moustache over there.

- (laughs)
- Mom,

you promised you'd never show up
at school drunk again.

I'm not gonna lie,
I am in a shame spiral,

hanging out
with lowlifes and bums.

Hey, Gary.

This is to not say my name.

Payday!

Nelson, I'm gonna go take
a nap in your locker.

Freedom!

(snoring)

Son, you forced this man
to jump on the grenade

seconds before I was going to.

Well, Simpson, thanks to you,

now no one can
bring grenades to school.

This time, you will be expelled,
never to return.

Please don't expel him.

He's got nowhere to go.

Bart Simpson,
I hereby declare you...

Wait. I've lived next
to this boy for years.

There's good in him. Let me
work with him after school.

I'll improve him
with the three P's:

persistence, prayer
and persistent prayer.

Oh, God, you're one of those.

- Dear Lord...
- Don't kneel. Don't kneel!

We're in a public school,
for God's sake!

"Engel v. Vitale, 1962.

The Supreme Court
asserts that..."

Superintendent, you are about
to be on the business end

of a prayer chain.

"As a part of
a religious program carried on

by government,
it is a matter of history..."

My love of prayer is reflected
in my chest hair.

(chuckles): I appear to be
in the wrong group chat.

"...and the judgment of the
Court of Appeals of New York

is reversed,
and the cause of..."

- NED: Amen.
- (gasps)

Sir, we're up
to 205 verified pray-ers.

Do you really want me
to give them your office number?

Hmm? Hmm?

Fine. Stop, please!
I've had enough.

We won't expel Bart.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

If you supervise this boy,
keeping him away

from the baleful presence
of his father.

Woo-hoo! Win-win!

Bon apr?s-midi, Bart.

While you get some special help,

I'm hanging
with the French club.

Well, just don't make fun of me
in French.

Vous ?tes un imb?cile.

Profitez de votre journ?e
avec le Flanders!

A demain.

Ah, nous allons faire
un pique-nique.

(groans):
Oh! Shut up. Shut up!

Vous ne parlez pas fran?ais?

(laughing with French accent)

(Flanders humming)

Isn't it great, son?

Washing dishes can be both
a chore and a meditation.

I do feel kind of at peace.

Uh-oh. Cut myself.

(gasps)
Oh, my God, oh, my God!

(laughs)

Gotcha!

I can make that real blood,
you little punk.

What did you say?

(chuckles)
What I meant to say was,

oodily-doodily,
we'll change that atti-toodily.

Fishing?

When I didn't take a Ritalin?

- You monster.
- Hush.

If you don't catch something,
we don't eat tonight.

Stupid fishing.

Stupid peace and quiet.

Stupid sunset.

Thinks it has so many colors.

So beautiful and bright
and golden and... (mutters)

Mind your line, Bart.
You got a nibble.

I've got it!
I've got it!

I murdered a fish.
Me, by myself.

Don't get cocky, son.

You've still got to clean it
and eat it.

First things first,
we got to start a fire.

Uh, with what?

We'll build character
by building it ourselves.

Your turn.

Oh, my hands hurt.

There are child labor laws,
you know.

This is the most idiotic...

(echoing):
Ay, caramba!

Ay, caramba...!

(slurps, sighs)

- How do you feel?
- Great. But why?

Well, it's called
"accomplishment," son--

something you've earned yourself

that can never be taken
from you.

Left-handed handshake.

And now that you're on your way,

there's no telling
how far you'll go.

? Amazing grace ?

? How sweet the sound... ?

Oh, my goodness.

Our little boy could never sing
like that before.

Well, if you ask me,
he's not doing so well now.

Mm. Remarkable.

I thought the only way
to turn Bart into a little angel

was a downed power line
at a water park. (laughs)

Ah, you must be so proud.

You really turned
that boy around.

(chuckles):
Oh. Well...

Congratulations,

Ned Flanders.

Yeah.
Way to go there, Flanders.

You the man, Ned.

Hey, you can't give him
all the credit.

We're the ones who messed him up
in the first place.

(doorbell rings)

(groans loudly)

Uh, listen, stupid Flanders,
I just want to say thank you,

and if there's anything
I can do for you...

Well, for starters,
you could stop calling me

"stupid Flanders."

(groans):
Oh, here we go.

No, that's it.

(groaning)

Thank you, Flanders.

Was that so hard?

He was laughing
under that mustache.

(chuckles quietly)

Bah?

What are you doing here?

Bart's actually doing
math homework.

I wanted to see it for myself.

Bup-up-up-up!

Listen, I can help my own kid.

Uh, let's see.

Four and two-thirds
plus five-sixths equals,

uh, uh, carry the math...

And, uh...

Oh, no! The dog ate it!

(barking)

It's okay, Dad. I finished it.

With Mr. Flanders' help.

Well, it looks like I'm useless.

Let me just walk away
with my dignity.

? Who can I turn to ?

? When nobody needs me? ?

My son doesn't love me.

You don't get me at all.

(birds squawking)

(Nelson crying)

- Hey, kid. I'm sad, too.
- Hmm?

Haw-haw!

(crying)

You shouldn't be out here alone.

Oh, nobody cares.

My dad left.

My mom's a drunk.

My house is a trailer,
and all the wheels are flat.

My last solid food
was an ice cube.

My TV is a milk crate
with a squirrel in it.

- (sobbing)
- This kid is such a wreck,

even I could help him.

Which I could use
to get back at Bart.

(crying)

I get my hair cut
by hiding in the bushes

when the gardener comes by.

HOMER:
Am I gonna do it?

(crying)

Is it wrong to take advantage
of one child's feelings

to make another child feel ba?

Nobody has the answer to that.

Here, son. Let me help.

(crying)

(coughing)

(sniffles)

Okay, okay. Enough snot.

(sniffling forcefully)

Mmm. Mmm!

Say, uh, listen, kid,
how would you like a mentor?

What's a mentor?

A mentor is
a special kind of teacher.

But you don't know nothing.

Hey, there's lots
I can teach you.

How to steal filling from a pie.

How to get cookies
without giving blood.

How to use spearmint gum
as a deodorant.

And maybe I'll get someone
to fix your teeth.

There's a doctor for your teeth?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Can you teach me
how to do this maze?

Well, it'll be a project
we can work on together.

Cool.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm out of ketchup.

(whispering loudly):
I'll give it back

when I'm done.

(tires screech)

Hello, Bart.

Just wanted you to know
I'm going to Nelson's house.

We're close. Super close.

First of all, Dad,
you called me.

And second,
are you mentoring Nelson

just to get back at Bart?

No! No way!

But if you happen to see Bart,
show him these.

(bright classical music playing)

(laughs)

Okay, kid,
I'm gonna teach you how to pack

for when your wife
kicks you out of the house.

Are the clothes thrown out
onto the front yard?

Well, let's say you have
enough time to get a suitcase.

What's a suitcase?

Uh, all right,
let's move on to something else.

Okay, but first I got to ask:
Are you sleeping with my mom?!

- No.
- (sobs): Oh.

No one's ever said that!

That's what
we're going for, boys.

I can't believe we're gonna be
in the pride parade.

Christian pride.

Finally, Christians
can openly show our faith.

ROD and TODD:
We're sure! We're pure!

Get used to it!

- (bicycle bell rings)
- Hey, Bart.

Look who I taught
how to ride a bike.

Nelson already knew
how to ride a bike.

Yeah, but he didn't know how
to make cool motorcycle noises.

(Homer and Nelson
imitating motorcycles)

(Homer imitating loud revving)

Uh, let me help you
back on your hog.

Me and Nelson are so close,
people are calling us "Homeson."

Homeson away!

(Homer and Nelson
imitating motorcycles)

NELSON:
Homeson!

Vroom.

Mom, are you seeing all this?

- Yes.
- Are you gonna do anything?

- No.
- Why not?

(sighs)
This is a complicated one.

Both boys are being helped.

What I'm trying to say is
it's time to change Maggie.

Where are you, my little excuse?

Sorry!

- (laughs)
- (grunts)

Dad, what exactly
are you teaching Nelson?

Uh...

Banking.

Aiming for success.

And breaking into
the music industry.

Here's $40.

That's a lot of money to me.

But I want you to get some
therapy about what you're doing.

40 bucks' worth of therapy
coming up.

From a licensed therapist.

Moe has a liquor license.

Yeah, let's not discuss that
too much.

Take the money.
Get some help.

Why are you doing this?

Dad, I have to be
the voice of morality.

No, you don't.

Well, I like being
the voice of morality.

And I like believing
this role has not typecast me!

I can still do Shakespeare!

All that glitters
is not delicious Duff Gold!

To pee or not to pee!

There is no question!

Oh, no!

- Excuse me. Got to pee.
- (shoes squeaking)

GIL:
Doc,

I see it all so clearly now.

I'm afraid of success because
my father never had time for me.

- Which means...
- Time's up.

- But two more minutes...
- It's not a breakthrough.

Ah, now I feel worse
than when I came in.

See you next month.

Okay. 40 bucks
gets you ten minutes. Go!

I was mentoring another kid
to make my son jealous,

and something weird happened.

I'm actually starting to like
the little dingus.

Help me.

I am appalled!

You are ruining two boys' lives
for your own petty ego.

Let me tell you
what a good therapist says.

A good therapist says,
"Whatever you do is right"!

- That's only if you're rich.
- D'oh!

Mentor entering!

Hey, Homer, honey.

Come on,
spend a minute with Mama.

Look, lady,
I'm not interested in...

- What the...?
- I know.

You're just spending time
with my son

to make your son jealous.

Sooner or later, you're gonna
leave him, like all the rest.

(dramatic musical sting)

(higher dramatic musical sting)

(higher dramatic
musical sting)

(grunting)

Mm-hmm.

(dramatic musical sting)

And it'll break his heart.

Hey, I'm not here
to save the world.

I'm a mentor.
I come in, I ment, then I go.

Tell that boy the truth.

(grunting)

(Homer grunts softly)

Son, we need to talk.

No. No.
I know where this goes.

It ends with you giving me
a phone number

that starts with 555.

No! Wait!

What do you have to say?

I was only mentoring you

to punish my son
for becoming a better boy.

- I knew it!
- Where are you going?

I'm gonna get even.
I can't make you stay,

but I can take it out
on your kid.

Not Bart! I do love him!

(exasperated grunt)

? ?

(blows loud note)

(marching band playing)

CROWD (chanting):
We're Christians! We're proud!

(whispering):
But don't say it too loud.

Holding hands are holy hands.

Ew. Are you wearing lotion?

I'm very chappy.

? ?

(crowd cheering)

? ?

Uh, welcome, er, uh, Christians.

God is pleased to thank
our corporate sponsor,

C. Montgomery Burns.

(crowd boos)

LENNY:
Why won't you die?

Mr. Burns
will take questions later.

Er, uh, thanks
to this magnificent parade,

you right-wing ding-dongs
will keep me in office forever.

CROWD:
Yay!

And now, at the spectacular
culmination of the parade,

when the final float
has safely cleared the route,

a giant pair of praying hands

will swing from
the sides of the street

and come together in holy union.

He's gonna crush Bart!

Where's Flanders now?

Right here.
What do you need?

Get away from me!

? ?

No...!

(grunts)

(grunting)

- (coughing)
- Hi, Dad.

Son, you want to ride
in the ambulance together?

Aw. That's always
been our thing.

Aw.

- Dad?
- Yes, son?

Can I have a hit
off your oxygen?

Of course.

(inhales deeply)

I'm a great dad.

? ?

I'm sorry I was using you.
You're a sweet kid.

One day we'll have a beer
about this and laugh.

- Can it be tomorrow?
- Sure.

But for today,
I know a certain stupid someone

who might be a little better
at this than me.

(heavenly choir sings)

- What's the matter, son?
- Ah, you wouldn't understand.

A rich church usher like you.

Hey, I got two troublemakers
of my own.

Who told you boys
you could clean up this dump?

BOTH:
No one.

I think I just might understand
how you feel.

You lost a dad.
I lost two Mrs. Flanderses.

Maybe my boys and I could take
you to a ball game sometime.

- What do you say?
- Papa!

Yay! We have a brother!

- Mean foster brother.
- ROD and TODD: Yay!

God bless Rod and Todd and
especially my wonderful mentor,

Mr. Flanders.

OTHERS:
Amen.

Let me get fresh napkins
for everyone.

Hey, how's it going?

Still can't believe you've
renounced the way of the bully.

Eh, what can I say?
People change.

Thaw-thaw!

(organ plays "Charge" fanfare)

Tell me again, why did I
trade Flanders for you?

Because we can do this.

- (grunts)
- FLANDERS: Ow!

(both laughing)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Shh!