The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 31, Episode 15 - Screenless - full transcript

Marge implements a limit on screen time for the whole family, only to realize she's the one addicted to screens.

Am I the only one who remembered
daylight savings time?

CONVICT:
Been here 17 years.

Been on the HBO, the Netflix

and one House Hunters
International.

But now I got two new hotshot
lawyers working my case.

No sign of a struggle,
no DNA evidence in the cabin

and no attractive young woman
declared missing.

I think there's a very real
chance no one was murdered.

¶ ¶

I was on the jury
that convicted him.

Had we known
there was no victim,



we might not have voted guilty.

I repeat, might not.

Fantastic news.

We got picked up
for a second season.

And my appeal?

Mostly to women 25 to 54.

Oh. You mean "appeal" appeal.

Oh, well, that's not happenin.

(babbling)

(all babbling)

What is it, sweetie?
Are you gassy?

Uh, when is she not gassy?

Baby burn.

(moans)
If only you could talk.



It's the people who can't speak
that have so much to share.

(babbling)

Or maybe not.

(gasps) Wait a minute.
I think there's a show

about teaching a baby
sign language.

(gasps)
I could finally talk to my baby.

Maggie, we have a fun week
of repetitive drills ahead.

I wonder what the kid
was so upset about.

Don't worry, little baby.

I'll be okay till morning.

Now I'm screwed.

Congratulations, babies, we've
learned some great signs today.

I hope you don't want "more,"
because we're "all done,"

because our government funding
"ran out."

Okay, Maggie.

Do you want "more"
or are you "all done"?

"More" or "all done"?

"More"
or "all done"?

"More" or "all done"?

"More"
or "all done"?

"More" or "all done"?

"More"
or "all done"?

"More" or "all done"?

"More"
or "all done"?

Oh, great,
now I'm out of Cheerios.

(belches)

Oh, I thought
they were doughnuts

that were really far away.

"More"?

"More"? Aw, that's 22.

You busted.

Always say "all done"
on a hard 17.

Can you say that? "Hard 17"?

Don't teach her gambling.

Let's go, dealer. One more hand.

Aw, sir, I don't want
to take your money.

(groans)

Remember to make sure
that the warriors you kill

are actually dead.

I recommend stabbing,
dissolving in acid,

dynamite in the butt...

GAMER'S MOTHER:
Jason. You're late for dinner!

Ma, I'm talking
to 30 million people!

Boil them, let pigs eat them,
Kentucky-fry them...

Don't play that in front of
Maggie. She'll have nightmares.

Eh, suit yourself.

This is more like it.

"Hansel shoved the blood-covered
witch into the oven.

'I'm burning alive, '
screamed the witch."

More? More?

(gasps)
You want more book?

My baby's communicating with me.

Let me test it out.
Do you like peas?

Do you like applesauce?

Do you like Star Wars movies?

What about Baby Yoda?

Hmm.

This is so exciting.
Look, look what Maggie can do.

Maggie, do you want "more"?

That's my girl.

Look, everyone. She's doing it.

Yeah, that's great.

Dad, check this out.

He only sings
when we're not looking.

Classic aggravation humor.

- (Marge groans)
- A dancing frog.

Bet that would cook up nice.

You're missing a crucial moment
in Maggie's development

because of these.

From now on,
we're gonna limit the time

we spend looking
at our stupid phones.

(laughter)

Yeah, that's great.

And then we'll have
a conversation.

(laughs)

Steve Jobs wouldn't let
his children use his iPads,

and he was a great parent,
I assume.

From now on, everyone gets a
half hour of screen time a week.

- And that's it.
- Really, Marge?

You think you can give up
your Pinterest?

My cake fails are important.

If people fail at cake,
they need to be told.

Okay. Half an hour a week

for everyone, including me.

I believe there's something
you're forgetting.

(sighs)

And? And?

(grunts)
No more screens. You, too.

Here at Messages, we treat
your addiction humanely,

with hiking and biking and
human equivalents of things

that work with rats.

And all we ask for
is your brain when you die.

Well, let's pray this place
won't be necessary.

- (cow bell rings)
- All right, let's round 'em up.

Okay. It's been one week.

Let me check your screen times.

Wow. They're really low.

I'm so proud of you.

I forgot how great it was
to crack the spine of a book.

(laughs softly)

I'm calmer, I'm happier,

I'm seeing things
I never saw before.

Did you know our second dog
is a cat?

(doorbell rings)

Hmm?

Sorry, last time I was here,

I left my screen time
reversal wrench.

I could just get that back.

You guys have been having this
man dial back your screen time?

Oops. Looks like
I just lost a contract.

Well, anybody want to buy a van?

It only has two miles on it.

(chuckles)

- (grumbles)
- What the...?

Okay, close your eyes.

I'm putting these someplace
you'll never find them.

(footsteps descending staircase)

(car departing)

(drawbridge lowering)

(plane taking off)

(jackhammer grinding)

(bird squawks)

No cell phone. Stuck at work
all day with nothing to do.

Lookin' at my feet.

Hey, big guy.
What, are you bored?

Why don't you do
the Daily Jumble in the paper?

Unscramble the words
to solve a funny riddle.

Oh, that's what it is.

I thought the proofreader
had a stroke.

Let's see.

Hmm.

"D-D-A."

Hmm. "D-D-A."

Hmm.

"D-D-A." Hmm.

(gasps)
"Dad."

"Dad." I got something!

For the first time ever,
I solved a puzzle.

¶ ¶

(gasps)
"Dad ate all the pie."

Call the newspaper.
Tell them someone has solved it.

And get me some pie.

I love not using a phone.

It's made me much more
in tune with the world.

(louder): It's like my senses
are heightened.

(thudding echoing loudly)

(whooshes)

Okay, Maggie, time to go.

Say goodbye to your aunts.

So cute.
(laughs softly)

What's she saying?

(coughing)

She always sleeps so good
when she's here.

(camera clicks)

Huh?

(imitates rocket noises)

Careful. If we enter
the Martian atmosphere

at too steep an angle,
we'll burn up.

(gasps, screams)

Tell my family I love them.

(deep voice):
They know that, Steve.

They know.

(imitates static)

(snickers) Bart has to use
his imagination.

This is Jupiter One.
Do you copy?

I copy.

What are you doing?

I'm talking to Jupiter One.

Oh, I'll show you Jupiter One.

Jupiter One to mission contro.

Firing photon torpedoes.

(laughter)

Um, I'm doing a very important
two-page paper.

Do you have any way to find a
book without using a computer?

Well, the old card catalogue
is in the basement.

Bang on this pot to scare
the possums away.

Okay.

- (hissing)
- Uh...

Hmm. Mm-hmm.

(inhales sharply)
Mmm, old card stock.

So tactile.

(gasps) Look, this one
has an old handwritten note.

"Dear Reader..."
Ooh, that's me. (chuckles)

"See also: Lost Wax Technique."

I will see also.

(squeals)

"N-J-X-I."

Jinx.

"P-I-U-Q." Quip.

I'm solving words
I don't even know.

¶ Jumble boogie,
doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo ¶

¶ Get down, get down ¶

¶ With the goobie,
doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo ¶

¶ Unjumbled that is boogie ¶

¶ Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo,
solve a jumble ¶

¶ In your face, world,
I'm so humble ¶

¶ Now, watch me twirl. ¶

(screams)

Okay, okay.

I need the recipe
for puttanesca sauce.

Can't go online.

No problem.

I've got cookbooks.

Padma Lakshmi's Hot and Zesty.

Tiffany Haddish's
Fun with Radishes.

I made 14 of those--
they weren't that fun.

(gasps) I know who to call.

(beeping)

Hello?

What's the recipe
for puttanesca sauce?

Oh, you want-a the recipe?

Sure, sure, get a pencil.

Step-a one-- you come here.

Step-a two--
you pay for it.

Step-a three--
I put it on-a some pasta.

And that's-a the recipe!

(moans)

(tires screeching)

¶ ¶

(inhales deeply)

Oh, what a great day.

Oh, you said it.

I spent five minutes today
just looking at the sun.

(grunts, groans)

Hey, where's Mom?

And why do I hear clicking
from this closet?

Hold on a beat.

Just... hold on.

Who was the one who said
no screen time?

Who?

It was you.

(sighs) I know.

I have a problem.

So, I'm signing us
all up for a month

at that screen addiction
rehab center.

But we're not addicted, you are!

That's exactly
what an addict would say.

Or a normal person.

That's also what
an addict would say.

Well, what
wouldn't an addict say?!

Not that, that's for sure.

We'll all go there
starting tomorrow.

And I'll watch the pets.

I brought a bunch
of them inside.

(howling)

I'm the beta.

BART AND LISA:
Are we there yet?

Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?

Are we there yet? Are we
there yet?

Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?

- Are we there yet?
- Knock off that racket!

I said knock it off!

Mom's got the problem.

How come we're stuck in...

paradise?

Oh, Zen gardens, infinity pool?

Dr. Drew on call?

I'm just here because
I can't stop Fruit Ninja.

Die, mangoes, die!

(grunting)

If this is an addiction center,
I'm hooked.

Welcome to Messages.

I am Dr. Lund.

Doc, this prison is great.

Nothing but the best
for my family.

I just have one question.

How much does this place cost?

Your stay is entirely
funded by donations

from tech billionaires,
who feel guilty

that their sleek, disruptive
technology put you here.

(gasps) It's free?

Kids, we've found
our summer home.

The adults will
reconnect with healthier,

time-tested alternatives

like eating,
drinking, fornicating,

relentless hide-and-seek,
the braiding of hair,

listening
to Dana Gould's podcast.

Four people suffocated in the
Creature from the Black Lagoon's

suit until they got it right.
At least,

- I'm guessing that's true.
- (sighs)

And you, young man, instead of
playing first-person shooters,

we are going to put
a real rifle in your hands.

Take that, Second Amendment!

(grunting softly)

It's time to start
healing, Marge.

I love your accent.

I didn't know I had one.

This is our one computer,
on which you can say

auf wiedersehen forever
to your old online life.

Farewell, Instagram,
Facebook and NextDoor.

You all entertained me
and scared me.

Yes, Marge, yes.

Cut forever the puppet strings
that have made you

dance like
a psychotic Pinocchio.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Facebook accounts
cannot be deleted.

Do not try. Do not try.

What is wrong, Homer?

Why the pickle puss?

I don't know if I can live in a
world without online solitaire.

I have an answer for you.

It's sealed.

I will open the plastic.

The box is shut.

I will open the box.

- Could you...?
- (grunts)

I-I will deal the cards.

- And also...?
- I will play the solitaire!

(whistling)

I need a jack, I need a jack.

I used my phone for everything.

Except to call the parents
who gave it to me.

You can call them now.

Hello, Dad?

You don't say.
You don't say.

You don't say.

What did he say?

He hates me.

Okay, okay. Let's just talk.

Any subject...
except video games.

A tear rolled down my face,

as my avatar did the electric
shuffle on her corpse.

Yes!

That game is awesome!

I'm losing control,
but that's all right.

Today's therapist has
many effective options.

(gas hissing)

The gas is never a good sign.

I have to say,
all this talk about no devices

has really made me
want my phone.

I know, I was talking with
some guys about the weather,

and I realized I have no idea

what the temperature is
in Cupertino.

- I need my phone.
- Me, too.

What if Krusty posted a tweet?!
I must retweet!

- I must retweet! I must retweet!
- I need my phone!

- I need my phone!
- Must retweet, must retweet!

- Must retweet, must retweet!
- I need my phone!

- Must retweet!
- (growling): I need my phone!

- (laughs)
- We can't leave!

Studies show tech is more
addictive than heroin.

Google and TikTok
say that's a lie.

We have to be cured.

You couldn't be
more wrong, Marge.

You couldn't be more wrong.

Since this nation was founded,
families have faced the problem

of staying together without
driving each other crazy.

For the first 200 years,
they played fiddle music

until they had a war.

It was a good system.

Then, they came up
with sitting around a radio.

But without a screen, they still
had time to look at each other.

So... World War II.

With peace came TV, which bought
Silicon Valley the time

to invent the devices
that isolate us completely.

Finally, the American family
was safe...

from itself.

Is any of that true?

Once I post it on Reddit,

it will be.

Okay, we'll just say goodbye

and then we'll get our things.

What's going on here?

I thought this was
a screen-free environment.

It is, for the patients.

But the rest of us have
side hustles to perpetrate.

"I'm making $400
a day from home.

Want to know how?"

You're sending that spam
through my e-mail account?

(gasps) You stole her password
when she checked in!

Unlike every other rehab,
this one is a scam!

And we're gonna
expose you to the world!

I'm afraid not.

You signed a contract.

And every exit is guarded
by a laser-detection system.

You have lasers
at a rehab center?

Let me remind you,
this is an evil rehab center.

¶ ¶

(disc cracks)

¶ ¶

¶ ¶

Anyone order a ride
from Jupiter One?

Ooh, I'm riding in a spaceship.

Stick that spammer
in the darkest,

dankest cell we've got, Lou.

The one furthest from the Wi-Fi.

One bar, scumbag.

One bar is all I need

to scramble
your Spotify suggestions.

Hope you like Little River Band.

("Reminiscing"
by Little River Band playing)

(Wiggum humming)

(Lund grumbles)

(Wiggum continues humming)

(Lund clears throat)

(groaning)

- (straining)
- (continues humming)

No, no!

Please, turn the siren on.

(siren wailing)

LUND:
Ah! Much better.

Only 12 doughnuts for three
cops-- well, there's no way

to divide them evenly, so,
uh, I'll just eat them all.

Captain Wiggum,

I could help you
with your food addiction.

Huh? Uh, what do you mean?

Psychologically,
you are a baby with a gun,

sticking food in his mouth.

Eat, eat, eat, all the day,
like a schwein.

Wow, you are such
a great profiler.

With you, we wouldn't
even need DNA evidence.

Boy, so sick
of getting criminals

to give semen samples.

Uh, Chief, you don't need semen.

A lock of hair will do.

It what?!

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Shh!