The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 31, Episode 12 - Episode #31.12 - full transcript



(door opens)

Guten Abend, Herr Horatio.

Gib mir die Karte.


Springfield, eh?

Then that's where
I'm going treasure hunting.

You mean
we're going treasure hunting.


We'll find that sunken ship
within the week.

Grid 274 by 319.

Depth 60 meters. Sounding.

(sonar pings)


Proceed to next reading.

Grid 274 by 320.

Depth 60 meters. Sounding.

(sonar pings)



? ?

Captain, the long-range Doppler
shows a squall

coming out of the nor'east.

Hmm. We'd best head back
to wait it out.

Let me guess, you didn't find
any treasure today.

Did you talk to the doctor

about going up on your dose?

The storm
stirred up the seafloor.

We'll have to resound
everything south of the break.

(all groan)

Grid 274 by six.

Depth 30 meters. Sounding.

(sonar pings)


I made us a roast for dinner,

then threw it away.

I'm sorry
I never gave you any children.

Grid 291 by 502.

Depth 70 meters. Sounding.

(sonar pings)

- (sonar pings)
- Arr.

A second ping.

A second ping!

I've waited half a lifetime
to say this.

Divers, gear up!


We found it.

We finally found it, boys!

I didn't waste my life!

(cheering and laughing)

? ?


I see you've come
to admire our plunder.

Er, technically that plunder
belongs to the town.

It was discovered
in Springfield city limits.

No, we found the gold
in unincorporated waters!

The survey says it's ours!

Sorry, but the town
redrew the boundaries...


But we worked in secret
for 40 years.

I pretended to be
a flimsy, one-note character.

How did you know?

I should have been
your treasure.


(snoring, grumbling)

All right, people.
This town's got doubloons.

Who's got ideas?

If I don't hear anything good,
we're building another stadium,

and no team will come here.

How about a new town clock
where, every hour,

Jesus forgives the Devil?

A new zoo
with more attractive animals.

What about those death panels
we were promised?

Shouting out something before
I know what I'm gonna say.

Rock & Roll Hall of Fame
with no Pearl Jam!

Uh, excuse me. I have an idea.

Now, Marge,
if you'll check your program,

nagging objections
are at the end.


Look at the world.

Our children's future
is challenging and uncertain.

This windfall
is our last, best hope

to give our kids
the tools they'll need

to face that future.

To succeed,
our kids must have an education

based on science, technology,

engineering and math.


All who find
Marge's idea tiresome,

let out an exaggerated,
sarcastic yawn.

(yawning exaggeratedly)

Okay, okay. I brought someone

you will listen to
about STEM education.

Columbia recording artist
John Legend.

? STEM, science, tech,
engineering and math ?

? More than a trendy way
to say computer class ?

? STEM, it's not just for dorks,
dweebs and nerds ?

? It'll turn all your dumb kids
to Zuckerbergs ?

? STEM, 'cause the future
is written in code ?

? Make an app,
get big cash from an IPO ?

? STEM ?

? Oh, STEM. ?


Who could say no
to a silky slow jam

about the importance
of technology-based learning?

I'll never have kids because
my nards were cooked by science.

But if I could,
I'd want 'em to learn

about the science
of why they don't exist.

I'd just like to thank
John Legend...'s wife

Chrissy Teigen
for bringing him here today.

Turns out,
there's nothing she loves more

than doing personal favors
for her Instagram followers.

Well, Marge, you did call
the picture I posted

of my kids with ketchup
on their faces "adorbs."

It was. It was totes adorbs.

Baby, we got to get going.
We're gonna be late

for the launch party
for our couples' perfume.

I'm talking
to my online friend IRL.

Go charge the kids' iPads.

Come on, Springfield!

Build your children
the school of tomorrow.


- (camera clicks)
- I did it.

I gave our kids hope
for the future.

You have any songs
about how I should be allowed

to skip jury duty?

? How is it justice
to impanel a man ?

? During March Madness? ?

What are you gonna do with
your forced retirement, sir?

I'm intrigued
by a local skydiving club

who needs someone to sit
in the office and answer phones.

Yeah, well, who cares?

I'll be taking
an Ohio River cruise.

Lot of widows on the Good River.

Lot of widows.

(inhales deeply)
New school smell.

Paperless classrooms,
personal tablets,

and uncrammable lockers.


Aw. Man, this is embarrassing.

- (phone beeps)
- Bart Simpson.

Welcome. I'm Zane Furlong,
this school's CEO:

Educational Outreacher.

I'm gonna stop you right there,
Skinner 2.0.

It doesn't matter
how you dress it up.

All schools are kid prisons.

Well, I'm putting you
in solitary,

where you'll learn geometry
by shooting meteors.

Shoot enough,

and you'll unlock
customizable skins.


That's how boys play dress-up.

- (phone beeps)
- Lisa Simpson.

Our educational metric
has identified you

as a divergent
multipathway assimilator.

You mean, I'm in a gifted class?

Ooh, we don't like that term.

Everyone is gifted.

I firmly believe that.

Now go upstairs to the...

gifted class.


Finally, I feel seen.

And for the first time,
I'll be accepted by my peers

with open arms.

I'm home.

Okay, gifted class.

Recess is over.


Now, this school is so advanced

that every aspect of it
is run by an algorithm.

Who can give me an example
of an algorithm?

(students clamoring)

Oh! Like when you buy
a new garbage can online

and the rest of your life,
you see ads for garbage cans.

Or like when you watch
a bunch of close-up magic videos

on YouTube and get ads
for a suicide hotline.


And because you liked
this lesson,

the algorithm thinks
you might also enjoy...

How was your first day

at the new STEM school
I founded?

It was amazing. We did science,

then we did computer science,

and then we did
cognitive computer science.

Oh, what a surprise.
Lisa likes school.

All right, boy. What did you
get suspended for today?


I like this school, too.

Instead of teachers
giving us letter grades,

an algorithm gives us stars.

Education is a game now,
and I'm great at it.

Look at all these skins
I've already unlocked.

Whoa. Oh, that guy.


I even unlocked
the "Skin Unlocking" badge.


Tell us, what do you do,
Mr. Simpson?

Ah, yes.
I monitor the core temperature

at the nuclear power plant.

If it gets into the red,

I tell my family first
so they can leave town

before the streets
get too crowded.

- Now, this is a great example...
- Uh-huh.

...of the kind of job
that will soon cease to exist.

What the words now?

Mr. Simpson's daily tasks

can be more efficiently
performed by robots.

My guess is, his job
will be obsolete in 18 months.

What about them? How much time
do their careers have?

- I'm a librarian.
- Five years.

I just bought
a New York City taxi medallion.

Five years ago.

I do social media
for a cannabis delivery company.

You'll be fine.

But all these other jobs
will soon be made obsolete

by automation.

Oh, no.
The robots are coming!

I've got to warn everyone!

(panicked grunting)

Stupid kids!

(panicked grunting)


(Homer grunts)

I'm getting five stars
in all my classes.

I finally unlocked
dreadlock sideburns.

Someone's user name
is moving up the leaderboard.


Now get back downstairs

to prepare
for the jobs of tomorrow.

It's a race to the bottom!



Bart, I've never seen you
so engaged in learning.

It's awesome.
We're seeing how many e-scooters

we can collect around town,

charge, then get
back on the streets.

Oh, I see. You're learning logic
and spatial reasoning.

All I know is, if I don't get
ten scooters in under a minute,

I won't unlock
the Master Collector badge.


Got it!

Learning rules!

Oh, you must be teaching
the kids about nutrition

and staying
within a budget, right?

No. We're teaching them to buy
groceries for lazy rich people.

This avocado will be
perfectly ripe in two days.

I wonder what they taste like.





These aren't jobs of the future.

These are side hustles!


Guys, guys.

The robots are coming.
The robots are coming!

Robots here?

Uh, this place ain't exactly

Yeah. We're one of America's

last coal-powered
nuclear plants.

Yeah? Well, you can all bury
your heads in the sandwiches,

but I know the robots are coming
to replace us!

Calm down, Homer.

Here, have a drink from
the new soda machine we got.

(Homer shrieks)

The machines are already here,

and when they take over,
you can't imagine

how bleak the future will be.

? ?

I choose to believe
our best days are ahead of us.

It's giving us orders.

The revolution has begun.

Hmm. Hmm.

Uh-oh. I know that look.

She's gonna Lisa-up
a good thing.

Attention, students!

This school isn't training you
to program apps.

It's training you to obey apps!

When you're grown up, you'll
be lucky to make minimum wage!

(worried gasps)

Which is a lot of money!

That's like getting
your allowance every hour.

(happy gasps, shouts)

Wha...? No, no.

You deserve the same chance
to succeed as the gifted class.

That means preparing
for real careers,

not gig economy gigs.

Gigs are awesome!
DJs play gigs!



Aah! This has nothing to do
with deejaying!

(loud dance music playing)


LISA (groans):

Aw. At least
they're learning art.


Tip jars?!

That's it.
I got to fix this school.


Stop messing with the school.

I finally filled up
enough virtual pee bottles

to unlock the Amazon Warehouse
Whizzer badge.


Bart, I need to rewrite
the algorithm.

Then the school will teach
every kid real STEM.

I am doing this for you.

Yeah? Well,
I'm doing this for me.

(mechanical whirring)

Education for all!

Side hustles for most!

- (Lisa and Bart grunt)
- Kids, what's wrong?

Your tracking implants showed
heightened emotions.

- Tracking what?
- Teacher, teacher, my sister's

gonna ruin the only school I've
ever liked in my whole life!

It's just not fair
that only a small group of kids

are getting
an advanced education!

Well, isn't that the point
of a gifted class?


Lisa, the algorithm's purpose

is to prepare kids
for the jobs of tomorrow.

But it's just teaching them
to be the task rabbits of today.

Nobody knows what the jobs
of tomorrow are gonna be.

Well, I'm sure
the algorithm does.

Here, I'll ask it.

Wait, wait, this can't be.

- There's only one.
- (both gasp)

We are so screwed.

One Buzz Cola
with vanilla and lime.

Diet Buzz for me.

With vanilla and lime.

(Homer grunts)

Aw, geez. This again?

Yeah, we have
an active lifestyle,

and part of that
is drinking soda all day.

If it's refreshments you want,

why not let a man
pour your soda!

A human man.

For too long
we have done nothing

as machines have taken over,
washing our dishes,

pumping our insulin,
and now this!

Man can pour soda better
than any machine

made specially for that purpose,
and I will prove it!

Today the robot uprising ends.

Today is our Independence Day!

(acoustic guitar playing)

? Well, Homer pulled
a lot of sodas ?

? Because he hated
that machine ?

? He got confused, thought
it was gonna take his job ?

? So Homer was
a soda-pouring man, Lord, Lord ?

? Oh, Homer was
a soda-pouring man ?

? He did not make his point ?

? And his sodas were
warm and flat ?

? So Homer was
a soda-pouring man, Lord, Lord ?

? Soda-pouring's
not a real thing ?

? No, sir. ?


Homer might have been slower,

but his pours had a human touch.

Always delivered with a smile
and a sense of brotherhood.

- All right!

But he died.
So machine wins!

(groaning woozily)

No, no, wait.
His pulse was beating so fast

from all the soda he drank
that it was a blur.

(grunts) Perhaps one day
machines will be better

at pouring soda than man,
but not today!

Our jobs are safe!


Listen up.

These nerds have found out
something terrifying.

This school was supposed
to prepare you

for the jobs of the future.

But in the future,
all the jobs we've learned here

will be done by robots.

The only job left
for humans will be...

Elder care!

(all gasping)

The one job
even robots won't do.

What about STEM?

Here's what
it really stands for.

- No!
- No, it can't be!

(disgusted groaning)

I don't want to be
an adult butt wiper.

No one should see
old people naked!

Unless that's your kink.

Let's show this algorithm
what we really think of it--

with our generation's
most powerful tool:

user ratings.

(students affirming)

(Lisa and Bart gasp)

User rating dangerously low.

One star.

Self-esteem protocol failing.

Emotion matrix spiraling...


Zero stars.

Can't get out of virtual bed.

self-destruct sequence.


(alarm blaring)


I have to go back!
My skins are in there!

No! They're already gone!


BART (sobbing):
Camo-hat Santa! No!

I guess the children will have
to go back to the old school.

Yes, well, I don't know
that that's possible anymore.

My school.

My forward-thinking school.

There, there.
You'll suggest other schools.

You really think so?

I'm just saying things.

Goodbye, gifted class.

Yeah, but we escaped having
to take care of old people.

No, that's still the only job
that's going to exist.

Now we just won't know
how to do it.

(both groan)

Captioning sponsored by


We go further, so you can.

I've got your hot wings.

Did you include celery sticks?

Yes, sir.

What do you really think
the jobs of the future will be?

Well, technology
is changing so fast,

who knows where
it will finally take us?


Buzz Cola.

You want diet or regular?

Regular, human scum.

With vanilla and lime.

The algorithm
never predicted this.

What's an algorithm?

? ?

? ?

Well, Melvin sounds like
he was a wonderful man.

You know,
I would love to sketch you.