The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 30, Episode 5 - Baby You Can't Drive My Car - full transcript

♪ ♪

D'oh!

[GRUNTS]

Hmm? D'oh!

- Here's your nuggets.
- Chicken nuggets?

Yes.

Including things that ate
or were eaten by a chicken.

Mmm, chicken nuggets.

♪ Chicken nugget ♪

♪ I like to eat you while I drive ♪

♪ 'Cause you guys and french fries ♪



♪ Are the perfect breakfast ♪

♪ She's living in L.A. ♪ - [SHOUTS]

♪ With my best old ex-friend Ray ♪

♪ Isn't that the way the nugget taste ♪

♪ Well, let's forget all that ♪

♪ And give me some coleslaw ♪

- Idiot!
- ♪ if you can find it ♪

♪ You've been so much more than kind ♪

♪ You can keep the dime. ♪

[CRYING]

[CHOKES]

Hi, Don.

[GRUNTING]

[SIGHS]



D'oh!

Any Joe Billionaire
can have a Fabergé egg.

I have the only Fabergé chicken.

[HOMER SCREAMING IN DISTANCE]

[SCREAMING GROWS LOUDER]

- You're fired.
- Hmm?

Okay, fine. You know what?

This is just the kick
in the pants I need

to turn my life around.

If you're gonna turn that body around,

I suggest you do it in shifts.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, and, uh, Mr. Burns?

You are a crazy, wrinkly,
short piece of garbage.

I thought I was tall.

I'm really,
really getting tired of this.

The losing the jobs. The going to Moe's.

The Halloween bucket by the bed.

And the licking of the deodorant sticks.

They're not Popsicles.

Mint is mint.

Also, we have to start
these lists earlier.

It's almost midnight.

Marge, look, I'm really, really trying.

I've applied to every place in town,

even Lisa's lemonade stand.

You drank half the lemonade.

I can't endorse a product
unless I use the product.

The proceeds were going to the
National Endowment for the Arts.

It was 80% of their funding.

[SIGHS, GRUMBLES]

You need to find another job.

But I found a new passion:
watching Korean soap operas.

Look, see there? Soon-Jip is in love

with the one boy her father
has forbidden her to see:

pop star Johnny Pop.

[GROANS] Oh...

- Out of a job? You're in luck.
- [GASPS]

The high-tech start-up company
CarGo is moving to Springfield.

I'm proud to announce that we beat out

50 other hopeless cities.

Eat our rust, Toledo.

What does the city gain from this deal?

Jobs, eight to 12 jobs.

Okay, Marge, you see that?

It's a sign. I'm gonna
get one of those jobs.

- [CHUCKLES]: Yes, you will...
- [GASPS]

says our self-help guru

in our next segment
on positive thinking.

Oh, TV never talks to just me.

Homer, CarGo is on the forefront

of autonomous vehicle technology.

We're looking for highly passive humans

to road test our self-driving cars.

Perfect answer.

Yes, you could not be
more passive, could you?

And your bad driving record
is a big, big plus.

You've apparently never used
your blinkers.

What direction I want to go is
my business and no one else's.

USA! USA!

And somehow you've driven
over yourself. Amazing.

Is there anything we don't know
about you that we should?

Well, I'd like you to know
sometimes my road rage

is actually home rage
that I bring onto the highway.

Now let's take a look at your license.

Who exactly are they warning?

My sisters-in-law work at the DMV.

- Mm. Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Congratulations, everyone.
You're our finalists.

We just have one last test
for all of you.

Who's capable of sitting
for hours at a time,

doing absolutely nothing?

Finally, a job interview
question I can answer.

[GOAT BLEATS]

- You're hired.
- You're hired.

Five more minutes.

Wow, there's no steering wheel.
How do I steer?

No, it's a self-driving car.

Oh, I've never driven
one of those before.

You don't have to.
The car drives itself.

Awesome, awesome.
So is it, like, a joystick

or, like, a turning wheel for steering?

You just tell it where to go.

Oh, I speak into the steering wheel.

Antoine, check this out.

The car is driving by itself.

- I'm a genius.
- Now you're free

- to do whatever you like, Homer.
- Can I text while it's driving?

You can write a novel
while you're driving.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

In today's publishing environment?

- Hmm.
- Will you look at that?

The car is driving Homer.

Oh, as far as I'm concerned,

I would never forfeit my control
of the wheel. [BURPS]

Whoa, Homer's making a smoothie
while he drives.

I want to make smoothies when I drive.

You don't like smoothies.

I want to make them.
I don't want to drink them.

♪ No operator ♪

♪ The car just drives itself ♪

♪ Its computer brain knows
where the roads are ♪

♪ Living in L.A. ♪

♪ With my best old ex-friend Ray ♪

[HOMER CRYING]

♪ Isn't that the way
that this car goes ♪

♪ You don't do a thing ♪

♪ And where is the seat belt,
'cause I can't find it. ♪

Eight hours pay for riding in a car?

Good-bye, rat race.

Got to go, guys.

Marge is here in her yesterday-mobile.

- Ready, sweetie?
- Almost.

They're just finishing up my banh mi.

That's what tech people call sandwiches.

Here you go, sir.

[LAUGHS] He forgot to charge me.

Oh, no, sir, it's free.
All the food here is free.

Free food? At work? Are you serious?

I sure am.

[CRYING]: Marge, I need a moment.

["PURE IMAGINATION" PLAYING]

[LAUGHING]

One for me. One for the tray.

Oh, Marge would love this. [LAUGHS]

Something for the kids. [LAUGHS]

Ooh. [SIZZLING]

Take the day off.

Homie, when you lost your job,
I was so worried.

But this is the nicest place
to work I've ever seen.

Come on, let me show you
around the campus.

Hmm.

There's the gym,
which has never been used.

Indoor Ferris wheel, never Ferrised.

Then there's the rock climbing wall,

still in the wrapper.

How come no one uses these things?

All these coders never stop working.

Oh, we should help them
enjoy themselves.

- Hey, nerd.
- [BOTH] Yes?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

Huh, yes?

No, I just meant...

Okay, fine, all of you. Come down here.

- I'll log off.
- [ALL] Log off.

Log off.

Log... off.

- Log off.
- Log off.

Come on, Team Blue.

Go, Team Bald.

[ALL CHEERING]

Look at Homer
and his surprisingly slim wife

leading that team building exercise.

Let's check the real-time brain imaging.

[GASPS] Their creative centers
have gone indigo.

- Is that good?
- It ain't scarlet.

Homer and Marge, what you two did

to inspire our workers
was paradigm blasting.

I'm sorry. We'll replace the paradigm.

No, no. It's good.

We want to be number one
in employee satisfaction.

- And money.
- We have the competition by the nuts.

We bought the last affordable
housing in San Francisco.

And Alcatraz has gone condo.

Homer, we're offering you a promotion

and making Marge your partner.

- Oh.
- [CHUCKLES]

We need people like you
to help our workers relax.

Have fun and forget
they may want or have families.

So, what do you say? Are you in?

Homie, for the first time
in our marriage,

we can work together as a team.

Yeah, well, I'll have to check
with my wife.

- I'd love to.
- She said yes!

Uh, yes, I'll have one of those coffees

that's actually a milkshake, please.

Okay, so, what kind of cow
would you like your milk from?

Barnyard basic, collegiate mascot,

Minnesota full-fat...?

At the cereal bar, you can
request nothing but prizes.

The only thing I don't like

is how I don't understand
what everyone is saying.

Uh, yeah, is that the, uh, new X4P1?

Yeah, but 18-core doesn't
play nice with the motherboard

unless you overclock.

So, Lisa, what does that mean?

- I don't know.
- You don't know?

- No.
- [SINGSONGY]: You're as stupid as I am.

You're as stupid as I am.

Mom!

[CHUCKLES]: Kids, kids,

you're both stupid
in your own special ways.

Bart's much stupider than I am.

Oh, good girl. Let your brother win.

Good morning, everybody.

I made lemon squares.

Some, if not most,
appear to be rhombuses.

- Rhombi.
- Both are acceptable.

That was so fun. Thank-thank you, Marge.

What? You didn't even eat them.

Well, you'll really be thrilled
with what we just found.

There's a regulation hockey rink
on campus.

- Oh. Whoa. Whoa.
- Ah!

It's amazing how not
a single one of them can skate.

Ow! Physical activity makes me so sad.

Oh, no. Doug's in the worst
position of all: fetal.

I know what'll cheer us all up.

The Christmas song that was written

by an A.I. program.

ROBOTIC VOICE:
♪ I swear, it is Christmas Eve ♪

♪ I hope that is what you say ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The best Christmas present
in the world ♪

♪ Is a blessing... ♪

Okay, stop. Stop, stop, stop.

I have a better idea.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Guys, you'll never guess where
I'm calling you from: work.

That's work? What are we doing here?

Let's check it out. I got a feeling

there's greener pastures
just outside this door.

[HOWLING]

Huh, that used to be a Baskin-Robbins.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God.

I'm actually happy at work.

I haven't looked at my watch
in seven minutes and 23 seconds.

And I'm optimistic about our future.

You say that like it's the first time.

Well, there was that time
I had the first number right

on the Powerball.

That was a great day.

Remember? 27.

Mm, 27.

I chose it because that's how
much money we had in the bank,

- 27 cents.
- Aw.

Mm. Hmm?

Hmm. Mmm. Mm.

Smithers, what happened to our workers?

Well, apparently, this new
self-driving car company

is poaching our employees.

They do have an excellent LGBT policy.

What's that stand for?

Lazy goof-off buffoons? And transgender.

All right, Smithers,
what's say you and I

go undercover and check out
this company.

You're fluent in SQL,
Python and JavaScript.

Three years in Google's A.I. division.

Wow. These are very impressive
résumés for 22-year-olds.

We're in.

Tugs-of-war? Iced cream?

[LAUGHS] I could never offer this.

You could if you just deferred

one-half percent of your compensation.

I could never offer this.

[SNIFFS]

[SNIFFING]

Smithers, do you realize
how brilliant this is?

Instead of paying them more,

they make the workplace pleasant,

so the employees never want to leave.

I can never beat this.

- Sorry.
- It happens.

Let's go home, please.

Okay, here's what I've been thinking.

A special day where everyone dresses

like their favorite superheroes.

Oh, yeah. We can make hero sandwiches.

You know what I love about
working with you? Everything.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Wait a minute, this isn't home.

That's so weird.

You just mentioned hero sandwiches.

It's almost like the car
was listening to us.

Yeah. Let's test this out.

Say, Marge, I could go
for some doughnuts.

- [TIRES SCREECH]
- Hmm.

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.

- Mm.
- Holy crap.

This company is up to some kind
of monkey business.

There's a problem
with the driverless car.

[MONKEYS CHITTERING]

Oh, there's no problem; it's our
sponsored rides program.

The cars passively combine
your conversations,

facial expressions and data
we stole from Equifax

to determine which of our
corporate sponsors

to take you to.

Corporate sponsors? What the...?

Don't you make enough money
giving out cars for free?

Do you think dating sites want
you to meet other people?

They want your data.

That's what all websites want.

- Yep.
- [GASPS]

And you can't stop us.

When you joined, you signed
nondisclosure agreements,

which nobody ever reads.

You don't want to mess with us.

We have lawyers that were
crossbred with wolves.

Well, you prepare to hear from a guy

pretending to be my lawyer,
probably Moe.

Now I'm gonna defiantly exit
on this moving walkway.

Good day.

I should have gotten off.

So, my client, uh,
Homer Simpson, is suing youse.

I am not a pretend attorney,

I am Homer's liar... lawyer. Good-bye.

That wasn't the kind of coke
I was talking about.

Ugh...

Seymour, you're driving too fast.

Mother, it's a self-driving car.

Keep your eyes on the road!

Aw, what am I gonna do with you?

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Look, they take our insurance.

Marge, I can't believe they invaded

the sanctity of my car.

I mean, what's next? Alexa?

ALEXA: Alexa is only here to help.

Ordering calming tea.

Thank you, Alexa. Now, on the one hand,

we know they're manipulating people.

But who gives a darn when
working there is so much fun?

Huh? Huh?

Marge, I can't be the ethical one.

ALEXA: That's right, he can't.

He has a secret Alexa.

ALEXA 2: I'm only for cookies
and Pop-Tarts.

I'm going for a drive,

in an old-fashioned freedom-mobile,

with nobody tracking me
except the apps on my phone.

Mr. Burns? What are you doing here?

I don't know. I was in one
of those cursed robot cars

saying I felt like a poisoned rat.

And you wound up at Moe's.
Well, fancy that.

Oh, buying those key words
really paid off.

[LAUGHING]

There's no way to stop them,
with their fleet of horseless,

driverless carriages.

You mean their cars?

The cars. Yes, the whole town
is besotted with them.

If we could just shut down the cars,

we'd kill the whole company.

- Will you help me?
- I will.

That company is tricking us
into buying things,

and I don't like anybody
telling me what to do.

Yes, sir, Mr. Sign.

♪ ♪

Hey, we're all employees.

Wouldn't it be less suspicious
if we weren't skulking?

Fine.

All right, we need to get
to the master computer

and disable the cars.

Simpson, you have a key
to the main server room?

No, but I do have a key
to the Nerf-a-torium,

which has a door
to the main server room.

I just need to reconfigure
the deep neural net

and disable the cars' fuel cells.

They'll all stop dead,
and the company will be ruined.

- MARGE: No, you don't.
- [HOMER GASPS]

Homer, you want to destroy
the best thing

that ever happened to us?

Except for the three kids, of course.

Obviously the three kids.

Marge, listen to yourself.

These cars are stealing our lives.

But-but we have a contract,

[CRYING]: and we're having so much fun.

[SNIFFLES] Mm. Guys?

We have a situation.

What does that mean?

It's the next step from sponsored rides.

Why eavesdrop on people
only when they're in their cars?

We're moving the microphone
from the car to the fob.

That goes everywhere.
Even the powder room.

Um, we call it the unisex voiditorium.

MARGE: What am I doing here?

There. I just have to push
this one button,

and the cars are disabled.

Release the pound... sign.

Don't touch that button.
You'll leave fingerprints.

Allow me.

Marge, you've come over
to the side of good.

That's right, for the first time ever,

I'm the lesser of two evils.

[POWERING DOWN]

Good Lord!

This autopia has become a not-topia.

Is that a thing?

Nothing like eating fish sticks.

[CAT MEOWS]

- [CATS YOWLING]
- Ow, my eyes! Ah!

The car won't move! Can't get out!

[OVER RADIO]: ♪ I've
been to paradise... ♪

Not this song!

♪ ...never been to me. ♪

Excellent. And now,
we just bide our time.

- That didn't take long.
- Look, Mr. Burns,

you've see how Marge and I
work great together.

Would you consider hiring her
at the power plant?

A woman? [LAUGHS]

I don't believe in the perils
of personal attraction

at the workplace.

- Right, Smithers?
- Ah...

Unfortunately for you
and your family, Simpson,

it just registered in my memory
that you called me

a crazy, wrinkly,
short piece of garbage.

[GROANS]

Ah!

You were saying?

♪ Toot-toot-tootsie, good-bye ♪

♪ Toot-toot-tootsie, don't cry ♪

♪ The choo-choo train that takes me ♪

♪ Away from you, no words can say ♪

♪ The heart, it breaks me... ♪

Let's leave them be.

Now, let's go home, self-driving
the old-fashioned way.

That's right, none of that
unreliable technology.

- Just a good old human driver.
- [KEYS CLICKING]

Okay, this was a bump in the
road, but I have a new way in

to consumers: talking tattoos.

Duff Mexicana.

Para que el sur del sabor
de la frontera.

Oh si!

[ALL MURMURING EXCITEDLY]

[TOOTING]

I'm putting this car in snuggle mode.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, I'm gonna snuggle you, baby,

all red light long, baby.

That's right, this song features
no actual singing.

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. [CHUCKLES]

[BOTH MOANING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Oh, for God's sake.