The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 30, Episode 3 - My Way or the Highway to Heaven - full transcript
While God and St. Peter discuss who will get into heaven, the citizens of Springfield recall divine encounters.
(high-pitched, strummed chords)
(stringed instruments playing
The Simpsons theme song)
(grunts, gasps)
Huh?
-(Bob's Burgers
theme song playing)
-Huh?
(screams)
(frantic grunting)
Rats!
(screams)
-(whimpering)
-(Bob's Burgers theme fades)
-Hey, is there someone
in the restaurant?
-Oh, yeah.
-Aw, he looks scared.
-Can we keep him?
Can we keep him?
-(Homer grunts)
-BOB: No.
We'll name him Bob Number One.
And, Dad, you can just go by
Bob Number Two,
-or maybe no name at all.
-(Homer whimpering)
Wait. Why would I be
Bob Number Two or no name?
-I am Bob.
-Well, yeah, but this is Bob,
so now we're, like, Bob and Bob.
-I don't like it.
-You can't just name a guy Bob.
-Yeah, you can.
Somebody did it to you.
-That's true.
Bob Number Two is throwing out
some major 'tude right now.
-Isn't he, though?
-Yeah, lose the 'tude.
-BOB: It is kind of nice to have
someone in the restaurant.
-GENE: Yeah.
-What's he doing?
-If he's robbing us,
I feel sorry for him.
No. Don't say that.
We're fun to rob.
Maybe he's just looking
for the bathroom.
You're overthinking it, bro!
Just go anywhere!
I'll clean it up!
(chuckles) No way.
*
HEAVENLY CHOIR:
* The Simpsons
MALE VOICE:
* In Heaven!
GOD:
Where is everybody?
Didn't we just build
a whole new mixed-use complex
for the baby boomers?
Ugh.
(dramatic piano music plays)
I'm just following
the admissions criteria.
Can't we just tweak them a bit?
It's easier to get in
to Upper West Side preschools.
All we're getting up here
are little old ladies
and Promise Keepers.
Have you accepted the Lord?
I'm here, dimwit.
Frankly, those guys
weird me out.
We have interesting people.
Look, Tracy Morgan's here.
Tracy, what are you doing here?
-You're all better.
-Nobody tells me these things!
(halo clanging)
-You gonna stop that?
-Eh, it'll stop on its own.
We've got to get
more people in here.
Ned Flanders is about to talk
about that very topic.
Do the people my daddy shoots
go to Heaven?
They do if they haven't
done anything wrong.
So, a lot of them, yes.
Come on, kids, think about it.
Why do people get into Heaven?
* Heaven
* I'm in heaven
* And my heart beats
so that I can hardly speak... *
(gasps) Clayton Kersh...
-(grunts)
-* I seem to find
* The happiness I seek
* When we're out together
dancing cheek to cheek *
* Heaven
* I'm in heaven
* And the cares
that hung around me *
* Seem to vanish like
a gambler's lucky streak *
* When we're out together
-(sighs)
-* Dancing cheek to cheek.
Well, nobody said Sunday school
kids were geniuses.
Kids, there's only one way
into Heaven.
Never stray from
the path of righteousness.
Easy for you to say.
With a mustache like that,
you're an obvious narc.
The truth is,
this mustache is a memento
of the awful sinner
I used to be.
I was raised with no religion.
Our house was a den of bebop.
(cool jazz music playing)
Neddy, you're coloring
inside the lines.
Rules are for fools, man!
That's right, baby.
Be free! Be free!
Go off the page.
Write on the wall.
Color a cloud purple.
Jack and Jill
are on the pill, man!
FLANDERS:
Godless and Maudeless,
each job I took
became more depraved.
-* Dead end *
-* Why we should be
-* On dead end street
-* Dead end *
* People are living
on dead end street *
* Dead end *
* I'm gonna die
on dead end street *
* Dead end street
-* Yeah *
-* Dead end street
* Yeah *
* Dead end street.
Finally, I became one of
the most iniquitous men
that ever blew a wrapper off
a straw: door-to-door salesmen.
Now, here's how I move
these Karpet Kings.
I make my pitch, then I start
crying, bawling like a baby.
The trick is I'm secretly
clinically depressed.
-(both laugh)
-Haven't thought of that.
Not bad.
Slices of pie all around, Mabel!
So, rookie, your first day.
What do they have you pushing,
water beds?
Well, I am reaching
for the stars
with Vertebreaker trampolines!
(laughter)
-What's so funny?
-They got you slingin' springs!
The kid's a hop jockey.
Don't worry, you'll be fine.
I know someone who sold
two of those tot tossers.
In his whole career! (laughs)
(laughter)
FLANDERS: What those
door-to-door ding-dongs
didn't count on was a little
extracurricular activity
during Apollo 14.
-(radio static crackling)
-ASTRONAUT: Whee!
Over.
Whee! Over.
FLANDERS:
America caught bounce fever.
Trampolines were just
what people were looking for
to forget the long quagmire
that was Gunsmoke.
*
Before I knew it,
I was the king of springs.
But after spring
comes the fall.
Mabel! A slice of pie
for all my friends!
Better yet, leave the tin.
-Well!
-Well, how about that!
Big man, are ya? Real big man.
Well, big man,
I got a headline for ya.
They just found out
those things are a death trap.
Oh, sure, there's broken bones,
concussions,
the occasional kid who goes up
and never comes down,
but I wouldn't call them
a death trap.
I mean electrocution, smart guy.
Those little angel makers
you've been slingin'
generate static electricity
with every bounce.
The mats are made of birthday
balloon rubber and cat hair.
If you get to 500 bounces,
zappo! French-fried kid.
(gasps) I've put
innocent lives in danger.
And my sales pitch strongly
implied that wouldn't happen.
Eh, that's the game we're in.
If you don't like death,
get out of children's toys.
FLANDERS:
I've got to stop him!
401... 402...
-(camera clicking)
-Wow! I knew he could bounce,
but I had no idea
he could count.
YOUNG HOMER (over radio):
412... 413...
Oh, the brake pedal
won't go down!
Why did I get these
super shag floor mats? Why?!
(groans)
-495...
-(electricity crackling)
496...
497... 498...
(slow, distorted):
499...
(gasps)
(electricity crackling)
-(thunder rumbling)
-(groaning)
(groans)
-Jesus.
-'Sup?
Lord? Why am I here?
Uh, Ned Flanders,
you have been a sinner,
but you have taken the first
step on the road to redemption,
and if you accept the word
of the Lord-- that's me--
I shall return you to Earth
to carry forth my word of hope.
And, uh, like that.
Jimi Hendrix is here
for your guitar lesson.
Hey, man. You been practicing
what I told you?
Uh, yeah, uh, I meant to,
but, uh, I lost the pick
in the hole.
-Of the guitar?
-Oh. I wish.
I don't care, baby.
Jimi gets paid either way.
(electric guitar riff plays)
(Flanders groans)
Praise the Lord, I am reborn!
(others gasp)
It's a miracle!
He recovered without help!
In retrospect,
I should have tried CPR.
Well, I'm a believer.
Come on, fellas,
let's go spread the good word.
God is alive!
Anyone need a vacuum?
FLANDERS:
God gave me a second chance,
and as a sign of his mercy,
he permanently scarred
my beautiful,
beautiful philtrum.
KIDS:
Whoa!
And that's why I'm wearing
this mustache till I'm just ash.
It wasn't till God
seriously deformed me
that I fully understood
his love.
GOD: So, Ned Flanders
gets into Heaven.
It'll be interesting to see
which wife he goes with.
GOD: Eh, either way,
it'll be tough sledding.
Well, you know, Lord,
if you want more people here,
there's a category
you're not considering.
GOD: People who bring
their dogs on planes
and say they're therapy pets?
I can hear you.
Oh, and nice to meet you,
finally.
So, you made me in your image.
(chuckles): Well, it's like
looking in a mirror.
-Not!
-Who did that?
-It wasn't me.
-Oh, you traitor!
Actually,
I'm talking about people
who don't believe in God
but are still righteous.
I'm talking about
atheists, Lord.
Atheists?
(scoffs)
I refuse to believe they exist.
Well, they do. Maybe they
deserve a place here, too.
I'd like to talk about someone
who should be in Heaven:
my grandmother.
My grandmother's 36, and she's
got eight grandchildren.
Strong woman.
My grandmother was an atheist.
(gasps) I'll just flip this.
Her name was Genevieve.
She lived in occupied France
in the darkest days
of World War Two.
And she no longer
believed in God.
* He's in the afterlife,
punishing heavily *
* He's the boogie woogie
Christian God of John 3:16 *
* A root, a toot,
just don't eat his fruit *
* He was born in a barn
* He loved religion.
(French accent): How could a god
allow this awful war to happen?
GOD: I stopped a thousand wars
that would've been worse.
Nobody ever talks about that.
MARGE: Perhaps her mélancolie
came from her marriage
to the village's most notorious
Nazi collaborator.
Bonjour, bonjour, Commandant!
And may I say, you put the "ja"
in "jawohl!" (chuckles)
Ah, my dear wife.
I'm just here collaborating,
mixing in a little treason.
You know, stuff
that'll look really bad
in a documentary if we lose.
Now, with business booming, you
can no longer deny your husband
the sweet fruits of marriage.
(chuckles)
Mmm, oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm hooked. Mmm.
Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah.
Kissing with your eyes closed
never goes awry. Ever.
Why did I marry the model
for the town gargoyle? Ugh!
-(gasping)
-MAN: Quiet.
Qui est là? Qui! Qui!
We're U.S. paratroops.
We've been roaming
the countryside
disguised as French farmers.
You must leave now.
My husband is a collaborator.
Well, I've got a screenplay
I've been looking for
someone to help me write.
Not that kind.
If he just gets something
on the page, that's progress.
(door opens,
footsteps descending stairs)
Germans.
We're cooked. Worse than
the Cubs in the '32 Series.
I'm not a sports guy.
Do you have an art metaphor?
We'll be chopped up
worse than a Picasso nude!
Now my alarm is palpable!
What are you gonna do,
help us or turn us in?
Because I don't believe
there is a God above,
we must make our own Heaven
down below.
SOLDIERS:
Ah!
Hurry now!
-Do we get tips?
-Not in Europe.
Damn it. Now I know
what we're fighting for.
Quoi?!
(French accent):
Ooh-la-la! Dinner is served.
(German accent):
What an odd accent.
Are you really French?
(normal voice):
Stinking customers!
You can't ask me
personal questions.
(spits dramatically)
Ah, you are French.
(groans) American fool.
They'll see right through you.
You don't know the first thing
about world-class
dinner service.
Now listen here. I know
we may not look like much,
but when a fish knife
needs to be placed just so,
they're the mugs you want.
I am your, um, uh...
How do you say "sommelier"
in French?
(phone ringing)
Café Meaux. Meaux speaking.
BART (French accent): I'd like
to speak to Monsieur Pants,
-first name Pierre.
-Un moment.
Pierre Pants? Pierre Pants?!
Oh, come on, anyone
in this joint Pee Your Pants?
(laughter)
-Heil humor!
-(laughs)
Laughing is for Germans only.
Ow!
Now, precisely what part
of France are you from?
Eh... Normandy beach.
You know,
where the invasion's coming.
(gasps)
We must warn our Panzers!
We got to stop 'em, but how?
Don't ask me. I believe
in nothing, except my country.
* Allons enfants
de la patrie *
* Le jour de gloire est arrivé
* Contre nous de la tyrannie
* L'étendard sanglant est levé
* Ils viennent
jusque dans nos bras *
* Egorger nos fils,
nos compagnes... *
Come with me, fraulein,
and everything will be
Nietzsche keen.
(crowd gasps)
You can drink our beer,
you can take our gold,
you can take my wife.
No, you can't!
Oh. Well,
the marriage counselor said
we should try to find
a common interest, so, uh...
* Non, rien de rien
* Non, je ne regrette rien
* Ni le bien.
(men scream)
Oh, Meaux, I am so sorry
I ever made you kiss a fish.
That was a fish?
But this isn't.
Mmm.
There's more in the bedroom.
We have a bedroom?
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
So, it goes to show atheists
can do great things, too.
GOD:
All right, I agree.
We will open Heaven
to the deserving atheists.
And if you let them in,
there are a few mistakes
I'd recommend getting rid of.
Christopher Columbus.
(Italian accent): Hey, what are
you two talking about?
Nothing.
What are you doing here?
I was looking for a quicker
route to the bathroom,
and I got lost.
-GOD: Oh, it's him.
-Hey, dudes.
Who wants to rub my belly?
(God and Saint Peter groan)
Now, why don't you consider
other faiths for your Heaven?
Like, oh-- I don't know--
the way of the Buddha?
I say no shirt, no shoes,
no salvation.
I say we have Lisa Simpson.
Well, there is redemption,
and there are good works.
But there is another path.
A path to enlightenment
without ego or possessions.
I don't know.
Jesus is pretty fond
of that plus sign
he's always carrying around.
Let me share
the Buddhist path to Heaven
with an enlightened tale I call
"The Princess
Not Affiliated With Disney."
Unless we are now owned
by Disney.
In the sixth century B.C.,
or zero
in the Buddhist calendar...
FLANDERS:
Oh, you have your own calendar.
What's today,
the fifth of Bibbity-boo?
LISA: ...zero
in the Buddhist calendar,
lived the spoiled
Princess Siddmartha.
Siddmartha, sweetie,
look what we got you.
Oh. A pony.
-50 ponies!
-(pony neighs)
Oh. Somehow 50 ponies
-seem less than one.
-Oh.
LISA: The princess wondered,
if nothing was denied her,
-why was she not satisfied?
-(King Homer screams)
Why couldn't she be happy
like her brother
with his stupid
multiplayer games?
(dramatic music playing)
(elephant trumpeting)
-(gong rings)
-(victorious fanfare plays)
Brother, do you not grow weary
of this opulence?
Sometimes, but there's always
the decadence.
There must be a middle path
between opulence and decadence.
-Flatulence?
-(Milhouse laughs)
No.
(elephants trumpeting)
Please, somebody,
think of the elephants!
Princess Siddmartha, hmm,
perhaps the stars hold
the answer to your questions.
Why don't you take a look?
(choir sings)
SIDDMARTHA:
Meh.
(kids laughing, chattering)
Those children have nothing,
but they're enjoying themselves.
Maybe all these riches
have blinded me
to what really matters:
goats' heads. Hmm.
(snoring)
That's mine.
(snoring)
* I live a life
of great excess *
* And yet I find no happiness
* There's more to life
than this, I hope *
* Than golden tubs
and fragrant soap *
* All kinds of stuff,
and yet I mope *
* I want less
* Don't want to grab life
by the horns *
* Don't want
to grab that brass ring *
* Hear me shout
and hear me sing *
* All I want is just one thing
* I want less, I want less
* Less, less, less
* I want more of
* Less...
Less.
Oops.
LISA: Disguised as a poor boy,
Siddmartha sought out
the most learned scholars
in the kingdom.
But she soon learned
Kathmandu U,
like Budhanilkantha Tech,
was just another party school.
(laughter, cheering)
Excuse me. (clears throat)
(deep voice):
You're wasting your lives, man.
It's the year zero.
How much is there to learn?
Come on, girl.
Let's find inner peace.
(neighs)
I will sit under this Bodhi Tree
because I am void of ideas.
LISA: So, Siddmartha sat
and sat and sat and sat,
willing to wait
forever and a day
until she found enlightenment.
*
* Om...
* Om...
-Namaste!
-(kids cheering)
Even though she strayed from
our faith, I'm proud of Lisa.
That Buddhist kid's
a really good person.
What? I'm just sayin'.
GOD:
Mm, if we've learned anything
from these three
tangentially-related stories,
it's that there are many paths
to Heaven.
Maybe we should let
everybody in.
Great idea. I decree that all
with good souls are welcome
in Heaven now and forever.
(thunderclap)
How did I get here?
Well, you see,
you were Smithers' plus one.
I demand to get in
on my own merits.
(sighs) I'll talk to him.
CHOIR: * Hallelujah,
hallelujah, hallelujah. *
-(thunder rumbles)
-(boys whimper)
Don't be scared, boys.
That's just angels bowling.
(chuckles)
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
-Oh, we consider it a blessing.
-GOD: Kiss-up.
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
Shh!
(stringed instruments playing
The Simpsons theme song)
(grunts, gasps)
Huh?
-(Bob's Burgers
theme song playing)
-Huh?
(screams)
(frantic grunting)
Rats!
(screams)
-(whimpering)
-(Bob's Burgers theme fades)
-Hey, is there someone
in the restaurant?
-Oh, yeah.
-Aw, he looks scared.
-Can we keep him?
Can we keep him?
-(Homer grunts)
-BOB: No.
We'll name him Bob Number One.
And, Dad, you can just go by
Bob Number Two,
-or maybe no name at all.
-(Homer whimpering)
Wait. Why would I be
Bob Number Two or no name?
-I am Bob.
-Well, yeah, but this is Bob,
so now we're, like, Bob and Bob.
-I don't like it.
-You can't just name a guy Bob.
-Yeah, you can.
Somebody did it to you.
-That's true.
Bob Number Two is throwing out
some major 'tude right now.
-Isn't he, though?
-Yeah, lose the 'tude.
-BOB: It is kind of nice to have
someone in the restaurant.
-GENE: Yeah.
-What's he doing?
-If he's robbing us,
I feel sorry for him.
No. Don't say that.
We're fun to rob.
Maybe he's just looking
for the bathroom.
You're overthinking it, bro!
Just go anywhere!
I'll clean it up!
(chuckles) No way.
*
HEAVENLY CHOIR:
* The Simpsons
MALE VOICE:
* In Heaven!
GOD:
Where is everybody?
Didn't we just build
a whole new mixed-use complex
for the baby boomers?
Ugh.
(dramatic piano music plays)
I'm just following
the admissions criteria.
Can't we just tweak them a bit?
It's easier to get in
to Upper West Side preschools.
All we're getting up here
are little old ladies
and Promise Keepers.
Have you accepted the Lord?
I'm here, dimwit.
Frankly, those guys
weird me out.
We have interesting people.
Look, Tracy Morgan's here.
Tracy, what are you doing here?
-You're all better.
-Nobody tells me these things!
(halo clanging)
-You gonna stop that?
-Eh, it'll stop on its own.
We've got to get
more people in here.
Ned Flanders is about to talk
about that very topic.
Do the people my daddy shoots
go to Heaven?
They do if they haven't
done anything wrong.
So, a lot of them, yes.
Come on, kids, think about it.
Why do people get into Heaven?
* Heaven
* I'm in heaven
* And my heart beats
so that I can hardly speak... *
(gasps) Clayton Kersh...
-(grunts)
-* I seem to find
* The happiness I seek
* When we're out together
dancing cheek to cheek *
* Heaven
* I'm in heaven
* And the cares
that hung around me *
* Seem to vanish like
a gambler's lucky streak *
* When we're out together
-(sighs)
-* Dancing cheek to cheek.
Well, nobody said Sunday school
kids were geniuses.
Kids, there's only one way
into Heaven.
Never stray from
the path of righteousness.
Easy for you to say.
With a mustache like that,
you're an obvious narc.
The truth is,
this mustache is a memento
of the awful sinner
I used to be.
I was raised with no religion.
Our house was a den of bebop.
(cool jazz music playing)
Neddy, you're coloring
inside the lines.
Rules are for fools, man!
That's right, baby.
Be free! Be free!
Go off the page.
Write on the wall.
Color a cloud purple.
Jack and Jill
are on the pill, man!
FLANDERS:
Godless and Maudeless,
each job I took
became more depraved.
-* Dead end *
-* Why we should be
-* On dead end street
-* Dead end *
* People are living
on dead end street *
* Dead end *
* I'm gonna die
on dead end street *
* Dead end street
-* Yeah *
-* Dead end street
* Yeah *
* Dead end street.
Finally, I became one of
the most iniquitous men
that ever blew a wrapper off
a straw: door-to-door salesmen.
Now, here's how I move
these Karpet Kings.
I make my pitch, then I start
crying, bawling like a baby.
The trick is I'm secretly
clinically depressed.
-(both laugh)
-Haven't thought of that.
Not bad.
Slices of pie all around, Mabel!
So, rookie, your first day.
What do they have you pushing,
water beds?
Well, I am reaching
for the stars
with Vertebreaker trampolines!
(laughter)
-What's so funny?
-They got you slingin' springs!
The kid's a hop jockey.
Don't worry, you'll be fine.
I know someone who sold
two of those tot tossers.
In his whole career! (laughs)
(laughter)
FLANDERS: What those
door-to-door ding-dongs
didn't count on was a little
extracurricular activity
during Apollo 14.
-(radio static crackling)
-ASTRONAUT: Whee!
Over.
Whee! Over.
FLANDERS:
America caught bounce fever.
Trampolines were just
what people were looking for
to forget the long quagmire
that was Gunsmoke.
*
Before I knew it,
I was the king of springs.
But after spring
comes the fall.
Mabel! A slice of pie
for all my friends!
Better yet, leave the tin.
-Well!
-Well, how about that!
Big man, are ya? Real big man.
Well, big man,
I got a headline for ya.
They just found out
those things are a death trap.
Oh, sure, there's broken bones,
concussions,
the occasional kid who goes up
and never comes down,
but I wouldn't call them
a death trap.
I mean electrocution, smart guy.
Those little angel makers
you've been slingin'
generate static electricity
with every bounce.
The mats are made of birthday
balloon rubber and cat hair.
If you get to 500 bounces,
zappo! French-fried kid.
(gasps) I've put
innocent lives in danger.
And my sales pitch strongly
implied that wouldn't happen.
Eh, that's the game we're in.
If you don't like death,
get out of children's toys.
FLANDERS:
I've got to stop him!
401... 402...
-(camera clicking)
-Wow! I knew he could bounce,
but I had no idea
he could count.
YOUNG HOMER (over radio):
412... 413...
Oh, the brake pedal
won't go down!
Why did I get these
super shag floor mats? Why?!
(groans)
-495...
-(electricity crackling)
496...
497... 498...
(slow, distorted):
499...
(gasps)
(electricity crackling)
-(thunder rumbling)
-(groaning)
(groans)
-Jesus.
-'Sup?
Lord? Why am I here?
Uh, Ned Flanders,
you have been a sinner,
but you have taken the first
step on the road to redemption,
and if you accept the word
of the Lord-- that's me--
I shall return you to Earth
to carry forth my word of hope.
And, uh, like that.
Jimi Hendrix is here
for your guitar lesson.
Hey, man. You been practicing
what I told you?
Uh, yeah, uh, I meant to,
but, uh, I lost the pick
in the hole.
-Of the guitar?
-Oh. I wish.
I don't care, baby.
Jimi gets paid either way.
(electric guitar riff plays)
(Flanders groans)
Praise the Lord, I am reborn!
(others gasp)
It's a miracle!
He recovered without help!
In retrospect,
I should have tried CPR.
Well, I'm a believer.
Come on, fellas,
let's go spread the good word.
God is alive!
Anyone need a vacuum?
FLANDERS:
God gave me a second chance,
and as a sign of his mercy,
he permanently scarred
my beautiful,
beautiful philtrum.
KIDS:
Whoa!
And that's why I'm wearing
this mustache till I'm just ash.
It wasn't till God
seriously deformed me
that I fully understood
his love.
GOD: So, Ned Flanders
gets into Heaven.
It'll be interesting to see
which wife he goes with.
GOD: Eh, either way,
it'll be tough sledding.
Well, you know, Lord,
if you want more people here,
there's a category
you're not considering.
GOD: People who bring
their dogs on planes
and say they're therapy pets?
I can hear you.
Oh, and nice to meet you,
finally.
So, you made me in your image.
(chuckles): Well, it's like
looking in a mirror.
-Not!
-Who did that?
-It wasn't me.
-Oh, you traitor!
Actually,
I'm talking about people
who don't believe in God
but are still righteous.
I'm talking about
atheists, Lord.
Atheists?
(scoffs)
I refuse to believe they exist.
Well, they do. Maybe they
deserve a place here, too.
I'd like to talk about someone
who should be in Heaven:
my grandmother.
My grandmother's 36, and she's
got eight grandchildren.
Strong woman.
My grandmother was an atheist.
(gasps) I'll just flip this.
Her name was Genevieve.
She lived in occupied France
in the darkest days
of World War Two.
And she no longer
believed in God.
* He's in the afterlife,
punishing heavily *
* He's the boogie woogie
Christian God of John 3:16 *
* A root, a toot,
just don't eat his fruit *
* He was born in a barn
* He loved religion.
(French accent): How could a god
allow this awful war to happen?
GOD: I stopped a thousand wars
that would've been worse.
Nobody ever talks about that.
MARGE: Perhaps her mélancolie
came from her marriage
to the village's most notorious
Nazi collaborator.
Bonjour, bonjour, Commandant!
And may I say, you put the "ja"
in "jawohl!" (chuckles)
Ah, my dear wife.
I'm just here collaborating,
mixing in a little treason.
You know, stuff
that'll look really bad
in a documentary if we lose.
Now, with business booming, you
can no longer deny your husband
the sweet fruits of marriage.
(chuckles)
Mmm, oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm hooked. Mmm.
Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah.
Kissing with your eyes closed
never goes awry. Ever.
Why did I marry the model
for the town gargoyle? Ugh!
-(gasping)
-MAN: Quiet.
Qui est là? Qui! Qui!
We're U.S. paratroops.
We've been roaming
the countryside
disguised as French farmers.
You must leave now.
My husband is a collaborator.
Well, I've got a screenplay
I've been looking for
someone to help me write.
Not that kind.
If he just gets something
on the page, that's progress.
(door opens,
footsteps descending stairs)
Germans.
We're cooked. Worse than
the Cubs in the '32 Series.
I'm not a sports guy.
Do you have an art metaphor?
We'll be chopped up
worse than a Picasso nude!
Now my alarm is palpable!
What are you gonna do,
help us or turn us in?
Because I don't believe
there is a God above,
we must make our own Heaven
down below.
SOLDIERS:
Ah!
Hurry now!
-Do we get tips?
-Not in Europe.
Damn it. Now I know
what we're fighting for.
Quoi?!
(French accent):
Ooh-la-la! Dinner is served.
(German accent):
What an odd accent.
Are you really French?
(normal voice):
Stinking customers!
You can't ask me
personal questions.
(spits dramatically)
Ah, you are French.
(groans) American fool.
They'll see right through you.
You don't know the first thing
about world-class
dinner service.
Now listen here. I know
we may not look like much,
but when a fish knife
needs to be placed just so,
they're the mugs you want.
I am your, um, uh...
How do you say "sommelier"
in French?
(phone ringing)
Café Meaux. Meaux speaking.
BART (French accent): I'd like
to speak to Monsieur Pants,
-first name Pierre.
-Un moment.
Pierre Pants? Pierre Pants?!
Oh, come on, anyone
in this joint Pee Your Pants?
(laughter)
-Heil humor!
-(laughs)
Laughing is for Germans only.
Ow!
Now, precisely what part
of France are you from?
Eh... Normandy beach.
You know,
where the invasion's coming.
(gasps)
We must warn our Panzers!
We got to stop 'em, but how?
Don't ask me. I believe
in nothing, except my country.
* Allons enfants
de la patrie *
* Le jour de gloire est arrivé
* Contre nous de la tyrannie
* L'étendard sanglant est levé
* Ils viennent
jusque dans nos bras *
* Egorger nos fils,
nos compagnes... *
Come with me, fraulein,
and everything will be
Nietzsche keen.
(crowd gasps)
You can drink our beer,
you can take our gold,
you can take my wife.
No, you can't!
Oh. Well,
the marriage counselor said
we should try to find
a common interest, so, uh...
* Non, rien de rien
* Non, je ne regrette rien
* Ni le bien.
(men scream)
Oh, Meaux, I am so sorry
I ever made you kiss a fish.
That was a fish?
But this isn't.
Mmm.
There's more in the bedroom.
We have a bedroom?
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
So, it goes to show atheists
can do great things, too.
GOD:
All right, I agree.
We will open Heaven
to the deserving atheists.
And if you let them in,
there are a few mistakes
I'd recommend getting rid of.
Christopher Columbus.
(Italian accent): Hey, what are
you two talking about?
Nothing.
What are you doing here?
I was looking for a quicker
route to the bathroom,
and I got lost.
-GOD: Oh, it's him.
-Hey, dudes.
Who wants to rub my belly?
(God and Saint Peter groan)
Now, why don't you consider
other faiths for your Heaven?
Like, oh-- I don't know--
the way of the Buddha?
I say no shirt, no shoes,
no salvation.
I say we have Lisa Simpson.
Well, there is redemption,
and there are good works.
But there is another path.
A path to enlightenment
without ego or possessions.
I don't know.
Jesus is pretty fond
of that plus sign
he's always carrying around.
Let me share
the Buddhist path to Heaven
with an enlightened tale I call
"The Princess
Not Affiliated With Disney."
Unless we are now owned
by Disney.
In the sixth century B.C.,
or zero
in the Buddhist calendar...
FLANDERS:
Oh, you have your own calendar.
What's today,
the fifth of Bibbity-boo?
LISA: ...zero
in the Buddhist calendar,
lived the spoiled
Princess Siddmartha.
Siddmartha, sweetie,
look what we got you.
Oh. A pony.
-50 ponies!
-(pony neighs)
Oh. Somehow 50 ponies
-seem less than one.
-Oh.
LISA: The princess wondered,
if nothing was denied her,
-why was she not satisfied?
-(King Homer screams)
Why couldn't she be happy
like her brother
with his stupid
multiplayer games?
(dramatic music playing)
(elephant trumpeting)
-(gong rings)
-(victorious fanfare plays)
Brother, do you not grow weary
of this opulence?
Sometimes, but there's always
the decadence.
There must be a middle path
between opulence and decadence.
-Flatulence?
-(Milhouse laughs)
No.
(elephants trumpeting)
Please, somebody,
think of the elephants!
Princess Siddmartha, hmm,
perhaps the stars hold
the answer to your questions.
Why don't you take a look?
(choir sings)
SIDDMARTHA:
Meh.
(kids laughing, chattering)
Those children have nothing,
but they're enjoying themselves.
Maybe all these riches
have blinded me
to what really matters:
goats' heads. Hmm.
(snoring)
That's mine.
(snoring)
* I live a life
of great excess *
* And yet I find no happiness
* There's more to life
than this, I hope *
* Than golden tubs
and fragrant soap *
* All kinds of stuff,
and yet I mope *
* I want less
* Don't want to grab life
by the horns *
* Don't want
to grab that brass ring *
* Hear me shout
and hear me sing *
* All I want is just one thing
* I want less, I want less
* Less, less, less
* I want more of
* Less...
Less.
Oops.
LISA: Disguised as a poor boy,
Siddmartha sought out
the most learned scholars
in the kingdom.
But she soon learned
Kathmandu U,
like Budhanilkantha Tech,
was just another party school.
(laughter, cheering)
Excuse me. (clears throat)
(deep voice):
You're wasting your lives, man.
It's the year zero.
How much is there to learn?
Come on, girl.
Let's find inner peace.
(neighs)
I will sit under this Bodhi Tree
because I am void of ideas.
LISA: So, Siddmartha sat
and sat and sat and sat,
willing to wait
forever and a day
until she found enlightenment.
*
* Om...
* Om...
-Namaste!
-(kids cheering)
Even though she strayed from
our faith, I'm proud of Lisa.
That Buddhist kid's
a really good person.
What? I'm just sayin'.
GOD:
Mm, if we've learned anything
from these three
tangentially-related stories,
it's that there are many paths
to Heaven.
Maybe we should let
everybody in.
Great idea. I decree that all
with good souls are welcome
in Heaven now and forever.
(thunderclap)
How did I get here?
Well, you see,
you were Smithers' plus one.
I demand to get in
on my own merits.
(sighs) I'll talk to him.
CHOIR: * Hallelujah,
hallelujah, hallelujah. *
-(thunder rumbles)
-(boys whimper)
Don't be scared, boys.
That's just angels bowling.
(chuckles)
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
-Oh, we consider it a blessing.
-GOD: Kiss-up.
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
Shh!