The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 30, Episode 23 - The Incredible Lightness of Being a Baby - full transcript

Whee!

Uh-oh. Aah!

♪ ♪

D'oh!

D'oh!

Sir, I've prepared
your year-end finance report.

Initiate ocular scan mode.

Illuminate...

and recalibrate.

Gah! Unthinkable! The horror!

This is the first year
my earnings



are lower than the year before.

I'm sorry, sir.

These days,
enlightened people like solar,

and the consciously evil
prefer fracking.

Wh-Why, if this continues,

in 150 years
I'll be out on the street.

Sir, sir, sir,
I'm sure there's some sort

of inessential line item

- that no one will miss.
- Mm-hmm.

Effective immediately:

children's health care will
be cut from workers' benefits.

This meeting is over. God bless
the United States of America

and release the hounds.

Oh, I got three kids,
and they've all got health.



I am so cursed.

That's what you get
for having a family.

I'm gonna die like I lived:

nice and lonely.

Sweet.

Maybe we can get the kids
government health care.

Oh, sorry, Marge,
that's gone, remember?

Because of those corporate
tax cuts we all wanted?

I didn't want them.

You say so now,
but I remember you back then.

"Ooh, corporate tax cuts.

Makers not takers."

Oh, every time
Ann Coulter has a cold,

you think she's me.

I'm sorry, honey.
We'll just have to cut back

on the kids' meds.

Back in my day,
children didn't need no meds!

You just gave 'em
a slug of whiskey

and sent 'em off to school.

And if they lost their snowshoe,

you'd beat 'em
with the other one!

That's how we raised the
generation that lost Vietnam.

Bart, your old attention
deficit disorder medicine

isn't covered
by insurance anymore,

so we'll have to use a cheaper
drug that's just as good.

So goodbye, Focusyn.

Hello, Chillaxodol.

Mm.

Mom, I was just
on hypochondria. edu,

and I think
you should see something.

Are you giving
your precious child

the generic ADD medication
Chillaxodol?

Yes. Why?

Your child may experience
unwanted side effects,

including headaches...

painful spasms...

...dry mouth...

Ah.

- ...and whiskers...
- Mm!

...musical flatulence...

...involuntary
Memphis juking...

♪ ♪

...sudden relocation...

Hmm? Mm.

...and a symptom
that can only be described

as "dolphining."

If you or a loved one

is experiencing
any of these side effects,

you would do well to remember

that life is
heartless and brutal,

and the cosmos
is indifferent to us all.

I'd say goodbye,
but what's the point?

Without insurance,
we'll just have to go to...

Dr. Nick.

Sorry, everybody.

Remember, if at any time
you become a dog,

then I can medicine you.

No hope.
There's no hope here.

Hmm. "The healing magic
of crystals."

Well,
I've tried everything else.

Shalom, kind queen.

I mean the "hello" shalom,
but also the "peace" one.

How can I soothe you?

Wow. That was a lot just now.

But yet it's only a snippet
of the cosmic conversation.

Look, my son is having
bad side effects

from his ADD meds.

His father wants him
to join football

for a nice, calming concussion.

I have just the thing for you.

Crystals?

Healing crystals.

I am pretty desperate.

Crystals are a timeless database

of energy,
knowledge and sparkling.

Scientists are finally waking up

to what pyramids
have known all along.

I vant to suck your money.

Uh, maybe I could just buy
a couple rocks and go.

Oh, they're more than rocks.

They make
great stocking stuffers.

And for Hanukkah?

Uh, useless.

Hey.

Bart, it's time
for your ADD treatment.

Aah...

aah, aah, aah.

Hmm, maybe he's
a little overtrained.

It's not a pill.

Ooh, a suppository.

Fill 'er up.

It's not a drug.

I want you to try these.

Hmm...

I believe.

"A" paper by Lisa.
"A" paper by Lisa.

"A" paper by Bart.

An "A"?
Oh, my gosh, Bart!

Could it really be the crystals?

Yes, definitely the crystals.

You really got an "A"?

No white-out.

The answers
are actually correct.

Maybe he really did the work.

Or maybe he cheated,
and I have to find out how.

Whoa! Someone could use
a chill-out crystal.

It's made by your boyfriend,
Lis: the Earth!

Lisa has a boyfriend?

And this is how I find out?

I don't know
which of you two is dumber.

So I'm a bit
of a mystery, huh? Huh?

Marge, I heard Bart got an "A."

- How'd you do it?
- Can you keep a secret?

Unless it's about a person, yes.

It was crystals.

Crystals, huh?

I could use
some of those for Kirk.

I want to seed the bed
with them,

so he doesn't crawl over to me.

No worries. I'll
pick up more on my way home.

Oh, no, what happened?

I'm closing the store.
A cot finally opened up

in this cult
I've been trying to get into.

Congratulations, I guess.

Can I still buy crystals?

Just take 'em.

In fact, you can have
my entire inventory.

Thank you.

Now, enter my chariot to Heaven.

Are you sure about this?

Of course! I'm ascending
to a higher level of being.

Now, sisters,

let us Sharpie in
the whites of our eyes.

Oh, wow.

"Before passing on
to a new owner,

"crystals should be cleared
of their old energy

with a combination
of water and sulfur."

Which is just
what comes out of our tap!

The crystals got Kirk a new job.

With a uniform!

That's right, I'm a batboy.

Nelson got an "A" on his test!

This is going right up on the
refrigerator in the front yard.

Marge, we need more crystals.

I'm not even 100% sure
these things work.

Should I really
be selling them?

You know, these just
might make me stop drinking.

I guess I should.

I'm gonna grind 'em up
and snort 'em.

♪ ♪

Marge, another "A"
in my class for Bart.

I'm so impressed that a boy
with Bart's jiggly-wigglies

could be cured
by this pagan hogwash.

You can't argue with facts.

Oh, dear, we're
running low on obsidian.

Almost out of moon potion.

And there's
no more brain powder.

I can sell you
brain powder in bulk.

Here's whose brain
the powder is from.

It's a cow,
but a very smart one.

Hmm. What else do you sell?

Oh, massage stones,
copper bracelets,

dream catchers,

dream catcher
filter replacements.

This old one is full of dreams.

I don't see anything in it.

Don't you see it? Your dream
of being a massive success?

You see it?
Right there. See it?

- Mm-mmm.
- Right there. See it?

I think I am starting to see it.

Are you sure?
Do you really?

I see it!

Yeah, okay, bring it down.

Less Oprah, more Chopra.

I see it. I guess
I could expand my product line.

Then I can really
start making my own money,

not be dependent on Homer.

Did I hear
"not dependent on Homer"?

Boom. Retired.

You should still go in to work.

I don't think I even remember
how to get there.

You were just there today.

Feels like that, doesn't it?

Here at MURMUR,
we have everything

a holistic mother might need.

Cactus milk.

Wicker birthing chairs.

Fairy traps.

Tibetan singing bowls.

Are these macaroons free-range?

Yes. Only made from coconuts
that fall from the tree

or are gently coaxed
by woke monkeys.

I'm sorry, Marge,

I'm gonna have to shut you down.

You don't have
a retail business license.

Well, Chief,
do I really need a license

to sell that hemp body lotion
Sarah likes so much?

And which is free to you?

Ooh, I like it, too!

But I'm gonna need
more than that.

Hmm.

Mm... hmm.

Mm.

Oh, Marge!

I've only done this before
with Monopoly money and salami!

Where'd it go?

It's all right here, baby.

We made $1,000 today.

What's that
without the cost of goods?

$998.

I love you.

♪ Ain't it beautiful ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Crystal blue persuasion ♪

♪ Better get ready ♪

♪ Gonna see the light ♪

♪ Love, love is the answer ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ And that's all right ♪

♪ So don't you give up now ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ So easy to find ♪

♪ Just look to your soul ♪

♪ Look to your soul ♪

♪ And open your mind ♪

♪ ♪

Meep...

♪ Crystal blue persuasion,
mmm. ♪

So, those crystals

must really be uncloggin'
your noggin, huh?

Yep. They're making
math problems like 60 + 63

as easy as 1-2-3.

Mm. And what is 60 + 63?

Oh. Um...

It's 1-2-3!

Ay, caramba!

I'll figure out your scam.

Sorry, Lis,

I can't hear you over the bowl.

You won't get away with it!

I will stop you!

Because this is not...

Oh, oh.

Singing bowl,

you are so peaceful.

Luann bought $60 worth

of organic blackberries today.

I hope she enjoys both of them.

I need this for shopping.

And this for a rainy day.

Do I hear thunder?

Namaste.

We're closed.

What part of "namaste"
don't you understand?

I'm gonna need you to can it,
Marge.

My name is Piper Paisley.

Do I know you?

I have a healing beauty
relaxorium in Shelbyville.

Perhaps you've heard of PLOP.

Well, it's wonderful
to meet a fellow entrepreneuse.

Is it?
If I wasn't Botoxed as hell,

I'd be frowning
at you right now.

East?

That's a solstice stone,

not an equinox stone.

Just nama-stay out
of my business.

Marge, honey,
you've got to be careful.

She means business.

Oh, look what it says.

This means war.

Marge, don't say that!

I got into this business
because of the kids,

but now I like it.

You know what?

I'm going to open up a kiosk
in the Shelbyville Mall.

On her turf!

♪ ♪

Ugh!

You don't belong there!

What happened
to that hoverboard guy?

Marge made me a better offer!

You know you can't
do this, right--

build a competing kiosk in the
same escalator dump-out zone?

I mean,

you can't.

There's no more
law and order in malls.

Aah!

You've been living in my kiosk?

If you call that living.

Well, well, Bart, another "A."

Looks like I brought
my average up to a "D."

Now to test my theory.

Aha!

What the hell are you doing?

I know what you did,
Bart Simpson.

It's crystal clear.

You hid the Gettysburg Address

in a poster right by your desk,

which you could read when
Milhouse distracted Flanders.

Pure coincidence.

I put all the times tables
in Newton's wig.

And look what I hid
in the apple.

Ew!

You know,
it would have been far easier

just to study and get an "A."

Yeah, but what's the point
of that?

I'm telling Dad.

Not today. I got my book club.

A Confederacy of Dunces.

Ooh, is that the book?

No, that's who's coming:

Lenny, Carl, Barney, Moe.

The book we read was, uh, The
Girl with the Dragon Something.

- I didn't get through the title.
- Yeah, me neither.

It was just as boring as Tinker
Tailor Something Something.

Well, cancel the book club,

'cause Bart has something
he has to tell Mom.

Why?

You don't realize
how bad this is, do you?

You betrayed the one person
who still believes in you.

The dog believes in me.

Ruh-ruh.

Don't you get it?

Who's the person that's
always there when you need it?

♪ I'll always love my mama ♪

♪ She's my favorite girl ♪

♪ I'll always love my mama. ♪

Oh, my God.

She's shown me nothing but love.

How do I make this guilt
go away?

Tell her the truth.

No, that's not it.
Keep pitching.

No, that is it!

Oh, fine!

Now, looky here.

I learned Swedish
to read this here book,

and we are gonna discuss it.

Nordic noir is known
for its plain language

and absence of metaphors.

Dig deeper.

The novel reflects,

implicitly and explicitly,
gaps between rhetoric

and practice in Swedish policy.

That'll do nicely.

Who wants cake?

I said, who wants cake?

Our day of kiosk combat begins.

My sisters abuse
Piper's free sample policy.

Mmm. I smell like the smoking
area of a nice resort.

Schmear me like a bagel.

Now, phase two.

The one force no kiosk
can withstand:

a confused old person.

Somewhere in me is a yoni egg.

I think it might be hatching.

Uh, they don't hatch.

Can you take that chance?

Mom, I'm sorry.

I wasn't getting As
because of the crystals.

I lied.

♪ ♪

This crystal don't work!

Nelson got detention,

and I got demoted
from stripper to topless valet.

Kirk crawled over these
and made his way to me.

Three times.

One last thing to do.

That's not the egg
I was thinking of.

Keep looking.

Stop, stop. Piper, stop.

You win.

I don't belong in this mall

with all these
legitimate businesses.

I win!

I win. Me.

I'm sorry, I'm just...
I'm very competitive.

Have you tried rose quartz?

Let me ask you something.
Do I look like an idiot?

Ooh, I love your handbag.

Well, thank you.

No prob, babe. I win.

Marge, honey,
I'm glad you're home.

I've been thinking.

I want to be more than
just Mr. Mrs. Homer Simpson.

I want to get a job.

You have a job.

I know. Raising the kids
and looking fabulous.

But I thought it would be nice

to have somewhere to go
every day.

You work at the power plant.

They call every morning and say,
"Where are you?"

So you're not mad?

Oh, I love you! Mwah!

Thank you for understanding.

Oh...

Excuse me.

I have a friend I think is here.

Um, I just wanted
to make sure she's okay.

Marge. Good to see you.

But, really, not necessary.

Because everything here is...

Run! Run!

What's happening here?!

I thought you were just
getting massages!

Those were good.

But the other stuff is...

Blow up the bridge.

Shh!

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH