The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 30, Episode 21 - D'oh Canada - full transcript

Lisa is mistakenly given political asylum in Canada during a family trip to Niagara Falls.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

D'oh!

Oh!

Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?

Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?

Will you
take us to Mount Splashmore?

Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?

You're here,
you're just in a long line.

- Thank you.
- We appreciate it.

Points.



Follow me.

- Where?
- Points.

Points, points,
excuse me, points.

- Coming through, points.
- My visor!

No, Dad. No.
We've been in line for an hour.

Hmm, you have a point.

Points!

Will you please explain
where you're taking us,

and don't just say "points."

Okay. Over a lifetime
of credit card debt,

and paying for credit card debt
with worse credit card debt,

this family has two million
hotel rewards

loyalty... points,
which we can only use

at the nearest
Second Best Western Motel.



Oh, Dad,
the points expire at midnight.

No worries.

If I average 80 miles an hour
for 14 straight hours,

- we'll make it.
- I love you, Homer.

Step on it, Dad!

And I'll field this call
from Grampa.

Connection failed.

But my liver!

So where exactly are we going?

Niagara Falls.

-Eh.
-Meh.
-Paid for by points.

Points! Points! Points!

I spy a closed-down Toys "R" Us.

I spy a bankrupt
Sears and Roebuck.

- D'oh!
- I don't know about this game.

I find it a little...

Circuit City overrun
by wild dogs.

Booyah!

How can you booyah
this country's decline?

Cheer up, honey.

We're headed to the one place
that can never decline,

because it was never that great:
Upstate New York.

♪ ♪

♪ Start watching Fox News ♪

♪ Stop watching your weight ♪

♪ There is no fancy part of it ♪

♪ Upstate New York ♪

♪ They're fond of their booze ♪

♪ Hot wing sauce is great ♪

♪ I'm gonna clog
my heart in it ♪

♪ Upstate New York ♪

♪ I want to sleep in,
in a city ♪

♪ That never wakes ♪

♪ And find I'm fitting
right in ♪

♪ One of the gang ♪

♪ Par for the course ♪

♪ The Kodak plant closed ♪

♪ But I'm longing to stay ♪

♪ And go on disability ♪

♪ In Upstate New York ♪

♪ Can't make it anywhere ♪

♪ But I can make it there ♪

♪ I love you so ♪

♪ Upstate New York. ♪

Benedict Arnold
fought here, baby.

You want a quarter
for the binoculars?

I guess.

Those tourist binoculars
are never that strong.

Now, that's worth a quarter.

So magnificent.

Hey, Lis, want to bounce?

Not till I've soaked in
the full majesty of the falls.

And done.

Take that, blue boy.

Eat rubber, red head.

I can't believe the kids
are already bored with the view.

Mmm.

While the kids
are bouncing around,

why don't we do
a little bouncing, too?

That's even more romantic
than what you said at Fort Dix.

Whoa!

Let's see, the angle of rebound
equals the angle of incidence.

Ooh, I forgot to account
for surface irregularities.

Okay, time to take a sick day.

Oh, God, oh, God,
oh, God, oh God!

Ooh, a rainbow.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

Where am I?

Oh... handsome, horsey.

Am I in heaven?

Even better, eh?
You're in beautiful Canada...

is what I'd say if Canadians
weren't too modest to brag.

But we are.

Oh...

I have a young girl who may--
I repeat, may--

need medical attention, eh?

I repeat: eh.

Ms. Simpson,
you're a very lucky lady.

Oh, sweetie, thank God,
thank God.

Your daughter's fine,
but I recommend a five-day stay.

Of course, of course.
We'll take out a third mortgage.

Sir, you're in Canada now,
where your health care is free.

Free health care.
Why can't America do that?

She's delirious, Doc.

America can't pay for health
care and give corporations

the tax breaks
they so desperately need.

I'm not delirious.

In fact,
I've never felt more protected.

Not like back home.

Ooh, hang on. Did you just say
you don't feel safe

in your home country?

Why should she feel safe?

In America, the great El Barto
roams the streets.

So, let me get this straight:
you're afraid of America.

Is that right, young lady?

-Well, there's
voter suppression...
-Shh.

-...and utter disregard
for the environment...
-Shh.

...a president
who's such a son of a...
-Shh.

Oh, save that language
for the lower 48.

No, I'm telling you.
Our president really is a god...

- Shush.
- We know.

Lisa, as you're clearly a victim
of political persecution

who fears for her life,
I must keep you in Canada

where you'll be safe and
assigned your own hockey team.

Please not Ottawa,
please not Ottawa.

Yeah, I'm, I'm so sorry.

You can't keep my daughter.

She's the heart and soul
of this family.

- Hey. What am I?
- You're the spleen.

We don't know what it does
and we don't care.

My hands are tied, ma'am.

She's in the asylum
pipeline now.

You can't separate us
from our child.

That's America's thing.

Well, then you leave us
no choice.

We have to deport you,
Canadian-style.

Great. Come on. Bring it in,
bring it in.

Lisa, are they taking care
of you? Are you eating okay?

Look, I'm fine, eh.

We're losing her.

Mom, I'm okay.

They put me
in a nice foster home

with Gord and Francette here.

Enough with the accent.

Okay.

Lisa, where should we go
for dinner tonight?

Harvey's or Swiss Chalet?

How about Mr. Submarine?

Or Earls?

Don't forget Humpty's.

Mmm, restaurant chains
I never heard of.

Homer, you take Bart back
to Springfield.

I am going for my daughter.

Local smarty-pants Lisa Simpson
has been abducted

by America's Ned Flanders
to the north, Canada.

Here in Springfield,
reactions to Lisa's loss

have been loud and uninformed.

Lisa was the moral center
of this town.

Now it's Barney,
who knows nothing.

Except it is the purpose of
government to see that not only

the legitimate interests
of the few are protected,

but that the rights of the many
are conserved.

- Shut your gibber-hole.
- Ow!

Ugh! She was the only one in
this band worth a tinker's damn.

Oh, come on.

You know you all stink.

We've been working on the same
song for 30 years.

♪ ♪

Can you fall in love
with a country?

The science textbooks
acknowledge climate change.

Class, let's give
an enthusiastic

but quiet hello to Lisa Simpson.

Hello.

As an American,
I'd like to apologize

for something
our president said about

your wonderfully progressive
prime minister.

Is there any way I can send
a note? Or maybe I could...

- Right this way.
- Oh.

Hmm!

- Mr. Trudeau?
- Yes, Lisa?

Oh.

I am really, really sorry about
what our president called you.

I don't think about it,
I've moved on.

Weak. He called me weak.

Absolutely.

Let me ask you.

Does this look weak?

Seriously?

Wow, that is impressive.

Uh, watch your tie.

So, listen, if I could just
ask you one question

about the SNC-Lavalin scandal?

Now, Lisa,

we'll be doing a class play
based on a great Canadian novel.

The Apprenticeship of Duddy
Kravitz by Mordecai Richler?

Maybe next year, Oliver.

It's never Duddy.

No, we're doing
a child-friendly version

of The Handmaid's Tale.

Ooh, I'd like to try out
for Offred.

Oh, so you're asking directly
for something you want.

Well, that's not very Canadian,
but I like it.

I've never been happier.

Polite applause, children.

Yay.

♪ ♪

No.

Hi, Mrs. Simpson.

I have to get my daughter back.
Can I hide in the trunk?

Okay, but don't tell anyone
we're going up for beer.

We all know.

♪ ♪

D'oh.

What's this blue stuff, eh?

Oh, um, it's called a car tail.

Stupid new American fad.

Oh, we'll get it in six months.

Move along.

Good-bye!

Where is she?

Mom.

Oh, sweetie.

Mmm, this is the best hug
we've ever had.

Yes, it's wonderful.

Please don't make me leave.

Your home is with us, not them.

You must have known
I wasn't happy in Springfield.

All I did was play the blues.

Are you sure you didn't
play the blues

because slow tempos are easier?

Maybe a little.

But this country is better.

Their Fox News
is just news about foxes.

Listen, you little traitor.
I'm your mother.

And you live where I live.

You're coming home with me.

I'm really gonna miss
this place.

If it makes you feel any better,

Canada exploits
its environment, too.

- Wha...?
- This country does it all.

Tar sands, strip-mining,
Mountie-mocking,

geese-goosing,
French fry-gravying.

Okay, but I'm sure
you treat all peoples equally.

- Except the Québécois.
- And the Newfies.

Stupid Newfies.

I'm a Newfie.

Whee.

I guess that does make me feel
a little better.

Thank you.

♪ Where the wind blows cold ♪

♪ And there's ice and snow ♪

♪ Some days go on forever ♪

♪ But I'm warm and fed ♪

♪ In a Newfoundlander's bed ♪

♪ I'll be an islander forever ♪

♪ I'll be an islander ♪

♪ Forever. ♪

Sir, we'd appreciate it

if you gave us safe passage
back to America.

Sorry, but as it now says
on the Statue of Liberty,

"No re-entry
without hand stamp."

-Where do you get
the hand stamp?
-There isn't one.

Our top story tonight:
Estranged Brew.

Marge Simpson and her daughter
have now been

banned from the United States,
just like asbestos.

And this just in:
asbestos is back

into America's hospitals
and schools.

Let me just say
this asbestos will be

reinstalled
with the greatest of care.

Oh, Homie, I don't know
how we're gonna get back.

Hmm... how soon
can you grow a mustache?

That won't work.

Your call.

Hmm, at least it looks like

you're getting along okay
without us.

You know, since Lisa and I
are stuck here,

maybe you should
move up here with us.

Great idea, great idea.

What the heck? Bring Bart.

No way. I can't move to Canada.

I revere this country.

Really? The last vote you cast
was for Quisp.

And I won.

Maybe we could find a way
to sneak out. I snuck in.

You do what you want;
I'm not leaving.

Okay. You win, Lisa.

Looks like we're gonna
be here together.

But there's one thing
I need you to do.

Take one last look
at the country you left behind

and focus on anything
good about it.

You're right.
America's like a great boyfriend

that maybe got a little fat
and lost a little hair.

What does that have to do
with anything? Just go.

Good-bye, USA.

I feel like we did
the best we could.

And we can still be friends.

Okay, now I'm gonna focus on
the good things that you've got.

Abe Lincoln... Dumbo...

Aretha Franklin,
Eleanor Roosevelt,

Seabiscuit, the computer
that won on Jeopardy!

What is "We miss you, Lisa"?

Judy Blume.

Oh, I own all your books.

I know, I read
my royalty reports.

Having awkward new feelings
for your country--

it's normal, Lisa.

And you're one
of my favorite readers.

Welcome home, Lisa.

Well, I haven't decided yet.

Hello, Lisa.

- Louis Armstrong.
- Yeah. And I'm mighty tired

of having to keep appearing
in your fantasies.

Get your ass back over here.

Yes, sir, Satchmo.

America ain't perfect, but it's
my job to make it better.

See you soon.

What are you going
over there for?

It's legal now.

What is "Pass the Dutch"?

Psst, Mom.

Psst. I want to go home.

Oh, finally.

We're out of this hellhole.

Who made my bed?

Least I could do.

We will get you
across the river.

Nous allons vous faire
traverser la rivière.

God, it wastes so must time
saying everything twice.

I feel so relieved to have
finally made up my mind.

Ooh. We must ditch
our excess cargo.

You two.

You're abandoning us
in the middle of a frozen river?

Wow, Canadians
really can be jerks.

Yes, for every Martin Short,

there is no shortage
of Shatners.

Hope you wash up
on a shore you like!

- Homie!
- Dad!

Guess who's here
to save the day.

Why did you get a truck so big?

It's the smallest one
Detroit makes.

How will we get in?

I know one place where
there's always plenty of room.

I missed you, Krusty Burger
where there's only

one thing I can eat.

I missed you,
pony I had for a week.

I missed you,
snarky comic book seller.

Thanks for nothing.

I missed you, nuclear ash
that looks like snow.

I missed you,
mixed martial arts megachurch.

I missed you, Ralph.

You were gone?

Now can we do Duddy Kravitz?

No, we're gonna watch an episode

- of The Beachcombers.
- Oh...

For my show and tell,

I brought something
from my trip to Canada.

What did you do this week, sir?

Well, a Japanese tourist
took pictures of me,

I fed my horse an apple,
and I found

a very interesting man
hiding in Medicine Hat.

- Papa.
- Hey, Nelson, good news.

You've got a brother
in Fort McMurray.

- What's his name?
- How would I know?

Shh!