The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 30, Episode 20 - I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say D'oh - full transcript

♪ ♪

D'oh!

My Three Kids.

Everyone, out of my kitchen!

Brandine, do I come off
as a yokel or a hayseed?

Well, you are versatile,
darlin'.

You can play anyone
in the trailer trash spectrum.

A-yeah, I'm a regular
Benedict Cabbage-Patch.

Meow!

Community thespians,

today we return
to turn-of-the-century Oklahoma.



Farm boys are farming.
Cowboys are cowing.

And, Carl, do you think
your character Ike Skidmore

is bringing his cell phone
to the box social in 1906?

I see him
as a forward-thinking guy,

a tech first adopter.

You know how I see him?
Not played by you!

Lenny, get yourself
out of that horse's patoot.

You're Ike Skidmore.

Yee-haw! A speaking part!

This is gonna be tan-fastic.

Geez, don't make it
into a song and dance.

♪ I've got spurs that
jingle, jangle, jing... ♪

My spur's stuck in my eye!

Carl, you're back in.



Well, only with
Lenny's blessing.

- You don't have it.
- I'm doing it anyway.

Okay, Marge, this is
your big song number.

You're Ado Annie,
the girl who cain't say no.

Now, do you have any qualms
about playing this part?

-No.
-Wrong, wrong!
You cain't say no.

Now, where's my handsome Curly?

Right here.

Now, this I can work with.

Okay, Maggie,

what shall we do
while Mommy rehearses?

The dog track is closed.

You can come visit me!

I didn't hear that.

Hmm, what shall we do?

Why is this place so popular?

Do they serve booze?
Is it a baby fight club?

Is there a big-screen TV?

Do they serve booze?
Are there free doughnuts?

Meet Batman?

Do they serve booze?

We're going to find out.

Why in the hell
is Daddy and Me class packed?

You'll understand everything
when Chloe comes out.

Quiet, quiet, she's coming.

I borrowed my granddaughter
just for this.

I said I was taking her
to feed the ducks.

Like I have bread money.

Hi, dads.

Who's ready to do
the wiggle worm dance?

I vant to viggle
like the vorm, ja.

♪ A wiggle worm giggles ♪

♪ And a wiggle worm waggles ♪

♪ Let's all wiggle
like the wiggle worm does. ♪

Oh, I get it, she's sexy.

Maggie! How long
have you been here?

♪ ♪

Why does this line say "Curt"
when I'm talking to Curly?

No, you see, "curt"
is in parentheses.

It tells you
how to say the line.

Obviously lying--
yeah, no, I knew that.

Impressed noise.
You really know your stuff.

Okay, actors,

in the words
of William Shakespeare,

find your "X" and shut up.

Geez, all right, easy.

All I ask is that
you give me the performance

I have pictured in my head but
have not communicated to you.

Our curtain opens
on sun-drenched fields

of undulating golden corn.

♪ O... ♪

Stop, stop, stop!

This set is terrible.

That corn isn't as high
as an elephant's eye.

Oh, you wanted the corn
to be high.

I have never seen
such incompetence and idiocy

in a theater.

You have made me hate you all.

Excuse my salty language
in front of Aunt Eller,

but why don't you
just take a hike?

Oh.

Get lost.

Losing temper,
we don't want you here.

Turns to cast, I saved the play.

Marge, surely you
want me to stay.

Actually, no.

For the last time, that's
the one word you cain't say.

This is mine.
I brought it from home.

Now what do we do?

I learned-a to speak
like-a the Oklahoma for this?

Con-a sarn it.

Everyone, stop, just stop.

Chief, no more gunplay.

But I wanna.

Just listen to me!

What if I directed the play?

Hey, that's a good idea. I mean,
she directs Homer and the kids

out of the house every morning.

And I direct traffic.

That's a stupid analogy.

I think Marge makes us all
feel good about ourselves.

Mmm.

Yelling in unison.

Marge! Marge! Marge! Yay!

Wait a minute, if this
is a real gun, where's the prop?

Poor Lou.

All right, you asked for it.

Uh, wh-wh-who wants
Oklahoma! tickets? Front row.

I can get you three together.

This is
a really complicated show.

So much gingham.

We need a show
that we can actually pull off

in Springfield.

Small cast, simple sets,
and some hip-hop,

but not real hip-hop.

Great, but I got
to be someplace,

so, real quick,
the best kind of original show

is one that rips off a big hit.
What's the biggest hit?

Hellzapoppin'!

No, Hamilton
by Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Oh, the guy from In the Heights.

Now, how did I know that?
I'm back!

All right, who's our
Alexander Hamilton?

That would be me.
Thanks to this furnace filter,

you won't be saying
"burr" anymore.

No, our most famous
historical figure...

Jebediah Springfield!

I'll write a musical biography,
warts and all.

I can't see how that could fail.

Now I'm in a hurry-- Maggie
and I have a Daddy and Me class.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Keys, wallet, I don't think so.

Oh, sure.
I'm happy to take Maggie.

You sure like that class.

Oh, uh, some dads just love
to be with their little girls.

- Can I go?
- Sorry, no.

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall."

Oh...

Poor little eggy,
leaking your goo.

The Red Queen's not looking,
I'll kiss your boo-boo.

Humpty J. Dumpty,
are you eating yourself?

Maybe.

Excuse me, excuse me, pal.
Take care of your kid.

I-I'm so sorry. I was just...

Yeah, I know what you were just.

Let's see...

killed a bear, founded a town,
died of a beaver bite.

Lis, you're gonna love it.

I came up
with the perfect opening.

Okay...

♪ Lisa is so stupid,
so very, very stupid ♪

♪ So dumb and stupid
and smelly, too ♪

♪ She has a real bad temper,
a bad, bad temper ♪

♪ And she's smelly, too! ♪

You're just motivating me.

I need to finish this.

Ah, my muse.

Okay,

my first day as director.

So hard to dress for respect.

No. No.

No.

Got it.

Hey-a, buddy, what'll it be?

Moe, it's me.

Midge! I thought it was
Hillary Clinton.

Give me a vodka, straight up.

Are you sure you're not Hillary?

Our new production will be
Bloody Bloody Jebediah,

a hip-hop musical
about our city's founder.

Is it respectful?

Not entirely.

What?!

Why don't we start
by going around the circle

and saying what parts
we're playing.

I'm Marge, the director.

Luann, Jebediah's wife.

Carl, Quarrelsome Settler. I got
a bone to pick with this part.

Beautiful, use it. Next.

Lenny, Mayor of Shelbyville
and an ostrich.

Frink, tech crew. Always crew.

Hollywood only lets in
one Bill Nye in a generation.

With the nerdy and the hoyvik

and the reference
only I understand.

And, of course, our incredible
star, Sideshow Mel.

Finally not a sidekick.

This is my time to shine.

Your first line is on page 37.

What?!

♪ Yo, Jebediah survived
the pox ♪

♪ Never used clocks ♪

♪ Didn't wear socks,
that's what we learned ♪

♪ From examining his docs,
and now the mic drops. ♪

Boom, et cetera.

Krusty, what's wrong?

It's happened--
the worst possible thing

that can happen to a performer.

What do you mean?

I'm in an article entitled,

"Where Are They Now?"

Right above Judd Nelson
and New Coke.

I'll tell you
where Judd Nelson is.

He's on my show tonight.

Ah. Fantastic!

What's that thing
you were doing?

Oh, uh, local theater.
You wouldn't be interested.

Hey, I'm a performer, an artist,

which means I'm always
interested in money.

Live theater is the only thing
getting ratings these days.

Who owns the rights?

A Mrs. Marge Simpson.

Oh, really?
Let's see what kind of bargain

Mrs. Marge Simpson drives.

So you'll get 80% of the profits

while I get foreign distribution
rights in Venezuela

for a window of three weeks.

So my little show's
gonna be on TV live?

Yep. This is the first time
a woman has signed something

with me where I didn't lose
custody of something.

So where will we stage it?

Outside,
where the lighting is free.

Ooh, are you sure
that's not risky?

Well, some would say I'm taking
a risk with an original play

and a first-time director, but
show business is based on risks.

Risks and comic books.
Excuse me.

So, Marge, are you ready
to beg me to come back?

Actually, Llewellyn,
we're doing fine on our own.

No need to grovel. You don't
actually have to say anything.

Okay, fine, I'll come back.

No one's asking you
to come back.

You know what? Just for that,
I won't come back.

-Fine.
-Please, I'm begging you,
take me back.

All right, but beware,

hell hath no fury
like a director scorned.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to sneak my headshot
onto the wall.

And poof.

You're flushed, Plummer.

I hired you to bus tables.

- Hmm?
- I'm researching a role.

Now, Mom, before you go
into that production meeting,

I want to pass along a quote
from F. Scott Fitzgerald.

"Great art is the contempt
of a great woman for small art."

He actually said "man," but he'd
have wanted me to change it.

Didn't he also say,
"Show me a hero

and I'll write you a tragedy"?

Yes, but he also said,

"Never confuse a single defeat
with a final defeat."

But didn't he also say,

"There are no second acts
in American lives"?

Just get in the meeting!

The bagels are getting hard.

There's my Jebediah.

Marge, I'm leaving the show

to fulfill a lifelong dream--

playing Prospero in The Tempest.

You can't quit now.

We're live in three days.

We have no understudy.

And you were gonna bring
the edibles for the wrap party.

Not my problem.

There's nothing I enjoy more
than watching a director

trying to talk an actor out
of leaving for a better part.

Dramatic twist!

♪ Sing a song of sixpence,
a pocketful of rye ♪

♪ Four and 20 blackbirds
baked in a pie. ♪

Stay in there,
you stupid blackbirds!

Darling, you're supposed
to kill the blackbirds

before you put them in the pie.

Homie, Homie.

- Homie. Homie.
- Blackbirds! Blackbirds!

Homie, wake up.

What are you dreaming about?

Uh, Daddy and Me class.

You are a great father.

Oh, I wish I felt
like a great director.

Fine, if you want me to quit
the class, I'll do it.

Who said anything
about quitting?

I've had enough people
quit on me today.

Marge, anyone who can raise
two girls and two boys

the way you're doing
can do anything.

You're gonna make it.

I've got
a special announcement today.

You're gonna wear the perfume
I bought you?

Even better.

Barry's divorce came through,

so I'm able to leave this class
and marry him.

Come on up, Barry.

Later, losers.

Barry's not sitting
cross-legged anymore.

Uh, why him?

Maybe I have the cutest baby.

Or maybe the first words
I got her to say were

"I love you, Chloe."

I love you, Chloe.

We sang "Wheels on the Bus"
together.

Well, that's it. Time to...

Where's the baby I brought?

Ah, geez. I won't be dating
her grandma anymore.

So I guess we're not
doing the class.

Wait a minute, the part you
liked was spending time with me?

Aw. Well, I'll always dance
with you, sweetie.

♪ ♪

Hmm?

Okay, no pressure,
but I need to find a new lead

in the next 15 minutes.

Preferably a name.

Is Bumblebee Man available?

No, he's playing Don Quixote
in Man of La Mancha.

Damn it. Why is this town's
theater scene so vibrant?

I'm here to audition
for the part of Macbeth.

It's not Macbeth.

- Is it Macduff?
- Not Macduff.

Well, there's no other parts
worth playing!

That's it. We're doomed.

We'll just have a bake sale.

Will you serve haggis?

- No.
- I'm out.

♪ A pioneer with no fear ♪

♪ Shooting deer ♪

♪ On the frontier... ♪

Spotlight that singer.

♪ And the crowds all cheer ♪

♪ Jebediah Springfield ♪

♪ Found the town right here. ♪

Yes, glavin, it's me,

with the Gomer Pyle voice and
the unexpectedly good singing.

You've got the part.

♪ Thank you. ♪

Save your voice.

All right, then.

Marge, as your producer, I'm
gonna inform you of a problem,

then blame you
if you can't solve it.

Now what?

There's one thing a first-time
director cannot control.

Bruce Willis?

No, the weather.

-Marge, it's going to rain
during the show.
-How hard?

Well, let's just say I hope you
liked the movie Waterworld.

Ambitious, eh, but unsatisfying.

You might want
to consider canceling.

I don't know much about showbiz,
but I know one thing:

the show must go on.

Huh? I never heard that before.

Really? Well, tell me
to break a leg.

Why would I do that?
It's violent and cruel.

Well-- there's no business
like show business.

Nah, nah, now that's not true.

Most show business companies

are part of much larger
conglomerates.

Just get the hell out.

That I've heard before.

Hmm.

Going live.
Break a leg, everyone.

- What?
- Why would you wish that?

You're mean.

♪ Let me tell you
about a mystery ♪

♪ Of our city's history ♪

♪ An out-of-towner
was our founder ♪

♪ Despite his latent bigotry ♪

♪ How did this pioneer
domineer ♪

♪ Persevere,
then die right here? ♪

♪ Before the tire fire,
a man named Jebediah ♪

- ♪ Made Springfield
the new frontier... ♪

Cue camera three.

Cue Bart.

Whoa.

♪ That's right, my
name is Jebediah Springfield ♪

♪ There is none
to whom I yield ♪

♪ No king to whom I've kneeled ♪

♪ Tonight
my secrets are revealed ♪

♪ Jebediah Springfield ♪

♪ Now, this bear and I
are one and the same ♪

♪ He gave his life
so that I could have fame ♪

♪ Jebediah Springfield. ♪

Cut to commercial.

That's a cut
to commercial, everyone.

John Lithgow?

I like to work.

- Oh, uh, line, please?
- "Grrr."

No, you fool, a rescue line.

Mom, what do we do?

Improvise.

Lisa, I need a five-minute rap
about the cruelty of the sea

and the brave souls
who rise above it.

No problem. Can I make sly
analogies to today's politics?

No. You'll date it.

♪ The bullets flew like rain ♪

♪ As buffalo were slain... ♪

Who wants to change the channel?

Eh, either they're all dead
or it's a hit.

Fifty-fifty.

♪ And now I have
a raging fever ♪

♪ Bitten by a rabid beaver ♪

♪ I didn't fight
for equal rights ♪

♪ I wish I'd done more
for non-whites ♪

♪ But no more time
for Jebediah ♪

♪ All that's left to do ♪

♪ Is ♪

♪ Die-a. ♪

In unison...

Marge! Marge! Marge!

This is the happiest moment...

Careers are getting shorter
than ever these days.

Marge, we got the highest rating
in modern TV history.

A 0.6!

Congratulations.

I did it. I directed
a popular off-Broadway musical.

And I wrote a popular
off-Broadway musical.

And I caught an octopus
on Main Street. What a day.

And the winner
for Outstanding Lead Performance

in a Play or Musical.

Oh, mein Gott! It's Sideshow Mel
for The Tempest.

Barbara, you can put
the kids to bed now.

Is what I'd like to say,
but I'm childless.

"One pie to the groin
won't do damage," they said.

They were wrong!

12 nominations, zero awards.

Welcome to Club Snub, Marge.

Feel the bile rising, the
bitterness that will never...

And a special award for
Best Newcomer, Marge Simpson.

Damn it!

♪ Ah, hell, give me ♪

♪ A white wine spritzer ♪

♪ Ah, hell, give me ♪

♪ A white wine spritzer ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ Only ♪

♪ Live... ♪

- ♪ The end. ♪
- Shh!

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH