The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 30, Episode 17 - E My Sports - full transcript

Homer discovers a passion for coaching Bart in video game competitions; Lisa's plan to bring Homer back to reality creates chaos.

*THE SIMPSONS*

Season 30 Episode 17
Episode Title: "E My Sports"

Sorry, Dad,

but it looks like
I've conquered you at Risk,

- bankrupted you at Monopoly...
- Hmm. Hmm.

And aggravated you
at Aggravation.

Well, with you
as a daughter,

I'm a winner
in the game of Life.

Although, I lost that,
too.

Such a good father.

Everyone is really
getting along.



What the hell is going on?

There's no Bart.

- Ughm! You're right.
- Where is he?

Ladies, relax.

Remember when I said
I'd punish Bart

after he got us...
banned from the buffet?

I can't shut it off.

Someone wedged a seasonal
Tuscan focaccia in the lever!

Well, Homie, whatever punishment
you gave him must have worked.

Yep, tough love. I'm his father,
not his best friend.

He'll hate me now,
but someday

he'll say wonderful things

about me
to people on airplanes

who just want to go to sleep.



- That young man will...
- How did you punish him?

Well, I sat the boy down,
looked him straight in the eye,

and bought him a top-of-the-line
computer gaming rig.

- You what?
- I get it. You bribed him.

Stay out of this.
I did not bribe him.

I addicted him to something
that will numb his spirit

until he's no longer
our responsibility.

Well, it has been
pretty peaceful around here.

Kill! Die! Die!
Get wrecked, newbs!

This is General Splattin'. Do you copy?

- Copy.
- Copy. - Copy.

Jinx. You me a Coke.

Oh! I'll never be able
to pay that bet.

Focus, Nelson, focus.

Kite the enemy into a gank.
Squeeze it...

on three... two...

GG!

That means "good game."

It's how the other team
lets you know... they surrender!

Mm.

Now I hit control-six
to defile their corpses.

Haw-haw! Haw-haw!

Haw-haw!

Civilized annihilation.

Marge, the boy just may be
learning some life skills.

Mom, do you agree with this?

I guess so. Your father is showing
an interest in Bart, which is good.

Well, if that's how
things work,

then I'm gonna behave badly, too.

- That's great!
- Sure you are.

I'll show you! I'm gonna...
tear up my homework.

I'm really gonna do this.
Here I go.

Um. Actually, this
bibliography could be improved.

Island of the Blue Dolphins.

Ibid. Ibid. Ibid. Ibid.

Op cit. Ibid. Ibid. Ibid.

Ibid. Ibid. Ibid.

Bart's been in the shower
for an hour.

With a young man that age,

there's only one reason
he's in the bathroom that long.

Skunk sprayed him good.

Oh, my God, he's playing with himself!

On that game.

He's playing that game in the shower?

We have to stop this right now.

Homer, take care of your son.

Make him quit. Geez.

Sorry, boy, I have to put my foot down.

I can't quit now.

My team's about to compete
in a tournament.

I can't let them down.

Well, team building is important.

All right, let yourself go, and
your partner will support you.

Damn you, Homer!

Please, Dad, can I play
in this one last tournament?

Sorry, boy, you're through.

First prize is a thousand bucks.

You get paid to play video games?

A thousand bucks.

- They actually pay you?
- Yes.

- In dollars?
- Yes.

- To play a video game?
- That's right.

- They pay you in cash?
- Yes, yes, yes!

- How much?
- A thousand!

All right. Do not tell your mom,

but I'm gonna say yes,
one last tournament.

Oh, thank you, Dad.

Just one thing... they actually pay you?

Yes!

A thousand dollars
to play video games?

Group up.
Time to put these suckers away.

Oh, yeah,
show me some Gs, Odgenville.

We win! And it's all because
I let them do it.

Now, apparently,
the Evergreen Terrors have won,

uh, this thing I don't
understand at all,

but which gave the school
new basketball nets.

Now to hand you your prize
money, which is $1,000 cash.

Let go, Seymour.

I'm telling myself to.

I've never held this much money
in my hand all at once.

Let me just, uh...

Look at it.

$100 bill, autographed
by Lawrence Summers.

Such a carefree signature,
before the Great Recession.

Mm.

Here you go, $200 each. Mm!

Okay, team, take a break
and meet up for practice in 30.

My dad said we could all
go to Krusty Burger.

Is he giving us a discount?

No, he just said we could go.

It'll be nice to have
some kids in there again,

after what the monkey did during
that birthday party.

Whatever. Just meet in 30.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You know what, kids?

I'm gonna blow your minds

with a little bit of hard-earned advice:

- Quit while you're ahead.
- Huh?

We can't quit. There's
so many more tournaments.

You won one video game tournament.

This isn't like
baseball or politics

where you can make
real money.

You only have one childhood,
kids. Enjoy it.

Okay, but because
we came in first

we qualified for a tournament
where we could win $500,000.

Childhood's over.
It's time for work.

Hmm.

Hmm?

That's right, sweetie.

I'm going to make your brother
a champion.

Knock off that racket!

You're gonna defy Mom?

- Sit on my knee, boy.
- I think I'm too old.

You're never too old
to sit on Daddy's knee.

Ow, my knee!
Get off! Get off!

Son, here's a life lesson:

I don't directly tell
your mother anything bad.

I secretly make her a part
of everything she's against.

That's why I spent
your winnings on her.

Honey, I got you a present.

An espresso pod machine,

like the one I made fun of
at the Hibberts'.

Because you wanted it yourself.
Let me pod you, my dear.

Ooh! What's the occasion?

The occasion is that
I haven't been

as good of a father as I should.

Yes. Well, no, uh...

Don't argue. It's true.

I need to get more involved
in Bart's life,

so I've decided
to be his coach.

That's wonderful. Coaching what?

Oh, I haven't landed on it yet.

Football, chess,
maybe even a silly video game.

It doesn't matter.
Have some coffee.

I love how it doesn't fill the cup.

Very European. Mmm.

- It's a video game.
- What?

I guess if you're spending
time together, what's the harm?

Look who's a dad.
Look who's a dad.

I knew you'd be cool with it.

Also, I hired a video game
expert to tutor Bart.

His name is The Detonator.

"I can't make conversation
unless it's about gaming."

Do you want to come in?

Do you want to go where
they're playing the game?

Thank you, ma'am.

Homer, I've watched Bart play...
here, on his Twitch feed,

and his HitForm, InstaBox,
Gibtrack, Buzuba,

and YergaPunch streams.

Hmm, the only word I recognized
was Gibtrack.

I think Bart has what it takes
to be top ten.

- Players? In the country?
- Bigger.

- The galaxy?
- Smaller.

- World?
- Yes.

Whoo-hoo.

Kids, make sure you're
in a chair that spins.

You're all gonna get a lesson
from The Detonator.

Let's jump into a battle.

To start, Bart and Nelson,
we'll put you up front,

and we'll back you up
with Sophie and Milhouse.

Booyah!

Notice my
finger is clicking the mouse

with a light, quick stroke

to limit joint fatigue
and tracking error.

I'm clicking like
the mouse button is hot.

Not too hot; l
ike the top of a toaster

after an underdone bagel.

Okay, now I'm using that quick
mouse stroke here and here,

which is how, Bart,
you should drop diamonite mines

to surround their spawn points.

Milhouse, make sure
ou're in position

to respond to
enemy aggression.

Sophie, when they make
their move, go in and engage.

My dad's been engaged 20 times.

I know what to do.

Okay, now we're entering
the mid-game,

where it's important to keep
focusing on major objectives

and control the map.

Okay, Homer, you watch the
screen while I take a quick A.P.

What's an A.P.?

It's a gamer abbreviation
for "a pee."

Nerd lingo.
Saves so much time.

All right, I'm walking

through the kitchen, blue-haired
woman is feeding a baby.

I'm making eye contact.

Your shoes have
lace holes but no laces.

Linoleum, linoleum.

Strafing into the bathroom,

gonna go into defuel mode.

Lifting seat with shoe.

Pro tip: Going over
the belt saves time.

Shaking, flushing
and hand washing

are the real time killers.

Once I cut those out,
my lag time went way down.

Okay, these Water Mages
have fuel tanks on their backs,

so you can't hit them
with standard spells,

but if I equip this staff that
lets me cast lava quadballs...

I mistimed it. Oh, God,
I mistimed. They killed me.

Do you mind
if I dance over your corpse?

I'd be mad if you didn't.

- It's over for me.
- Why?

I just lost my gaming edge.
Right there, just now.

Been in the zone for years,
and now I'm not.

Time in a bottle, man,
time in a bottle.

But you were gonna mold
my team into winners,

and I was gonna live
through them.

Just yesterday,
I turned 19.

Made it longer than most
in this crazy biz.

Anyway, I'm gonna go work for
my uncle.

He owns a tile store.

It'll be a good life.
Good enough.

Sucks to be old.

I didn't cry
at my grandpa's funeral,

mostly because he was racist,

but I'm crying now.

He taught us all he could.
Now it's up to me.

- Do we get uniforms?
- No. No uniforms.

You're a ragtag bunch
without any sponsors

that'll have everyone
rooting for you.

Are you kids ready to turn
this thing you like

into something that will consume
every waking minute?

- Maybe!
- Hit the music!

Kids, you need to practice
10,000 hours to get great.

Are you sure?

It's how long Malcolm Gladwell
needed to think it up.

♪ Bart is a champion ♪

♪ Which makes me a champion ♪

- ♪ I am the champion of the... ♪
- Homer.

- ♪ World. ♪
- Yes, Marge?

I've noticed how much time
you've been spending with Bart.

I know what's coming.

I'm riding him too hard,
and you want me to pull back.

- No.
- What the...?

Honestly, I worry
so much about that boy,

I'm afraid he's going to
wind up in jail.

Marge, his kill count is 98%.

Guys like that don't
end up in jail.

And I promise you,

I will
coach him as hard as I can.

But will you also coach him
to be a good man?

That's Flanders' job.

- I'm on it.
- Aw.

Mm.

Homer Simpson?
Go right in.

Welcome, Homer.
Welcome to the club of dads

who live through their
glorious athletic children.

Tiger Woods' father.

Hey, I have a name,
although I've forgotten it.

Okay, so it's 5:00
in the morning.

My son is four.

He hits the boards
and starts bleeding.

His elbow's sticking
out of his skin.

Ew!

Yeah, I got my camera,
and he says,

"Daddy,
what are you doing?"

I said, "I'm filming the last
time you are ever gonna cry."

- Oh, that is great.
- Ha. Excellent coaching.

Really? It's not mean?

Homer, we're
obsessive sports fathers,

so we're gonna
teach you how to motivate

- the only way we know how.
- Don't hit me.

Oh, we're gonna hit you, all right.

With a song.

♪ Never wanted Roland-Garros ♪

♪ Never made it to the show ♪

♪ Never won the Stanley Cup trophy ♪

♪ For five years in a row ♪

♪ There's nothing in our lives
that we ever really did ♪

♪ Except made
our child a superstar ♪

♪ And lived through our kid ♪

♪ Live, live through your kid ♪

♪ Wake him up at 5:00 ♪

♪ Live, live through your kid ♪

♪ It's the only way to feel alive ♪

♪ Strap him
to a hockey stick ♪

♪ While he is still asleep in bed ♪

♪ Build a scary dragon
to fire tennis balls ♪

♪ Right at his head ♪

♪ There's no training
that's too torturous ♪

♪ Or cruel to play this game ♪

♪ Because when they win
at Pebble Beach ♪

♪ You share in the fame ♪

♪ Live, live through your kid,
homeschooled by his mom ♪

♪ Live, live through your kid ♪

♪ They'll surely come to hate you ♪

♪ But that's later on ♪

♪ There is absolutely nothing like ♪

♪ Living through ♪

♪ Your kid. ♪

This is still part of the dream,
Homer.

No uniforms?

I'm rooting for
those underdogs.

- Yay!
- Yay!

Yes, you are,
and you don't even know why.

I just said,
it's the no uniforms.

Not a clue.

Poke and harness those trolls.

On it. Nelson,
get ready to back me up

in case their heroes
engage on me.

On my way.

- It's a trap!
- They're ganking me.

Damn it, they got me.

Respawning in 30.

They're control-sixing
my corpse.

We're gonna win.

It's coming, Gordy.

Hold on a minute.

Bart Simpson has not given
the "GG."

And the diamonite mine
he planted in the dragon turds

is exploding now.

Springfield is going
to the world championships

in Seoul, South Korea,
while the Canadian team is out.

- Huh?
- "Out"?

Ha! "Oot."

Yo, what the...? Oh, come on,
what's that all about?

And I am, too.

This is the last match
I'll announce.

I'm going to spend
my time oil painting,

but my wife says not in the house.

Hey, sweetie, what's going on?

I'm only talking to you now
to prove a point.

You've been spending
all your time with Bart,

and you haven't paid
any attention to me at all.

And I know you're just gonna
respond with a,

"That's nice, honey,"
and move on. I know it.

That's nice, honey.

Bart and I are
going to South Korea.

It'll be great, Lisa.
We'll have girls time here.

Bake cookies,
see the movies we want to see.

Mom, I try to spare you because
I don't want you feeling

thoroughly appropriate guilt
for what this family does to me,

but now one of my dreams
is within my grasp.

See?

I want to go to South Korea, to
the Jogyesa Buddhist monastery,

because they teach something
there so special, so magic,

it could be life-changing.

It just never seemed possible,
and I had to accept it.

I'm holding onto a thin rope here,

because if Bart and Dad go
to Seoul and I miss out,

I'll lose my grip.

I'm losing it now!

Hear me, hear me, dear God,
someone hear me.

Help me before it's too late!

Girls trip to South Korea.

Oh, thank you, Mom.

I'm going down to the basement
to get my happy diary.

You do that.

Pretzels, M&M's, Pringles.

It's a complete Thanksgiving dinner.

Pringles are for champions only.

Milhouse, can I have a word with you?

Oh, no.
This is never, ever good.

Don't worry.
This will be good.

I lied. This is really bad.

Son, the rules say
that we get to swap in

one player for this round,
and I'm asking you to step down.

I'm always the one
that has to step down.

That's why I chose you.

- You've got rejection muscle.
- Fine.

Good boy. You're our Rudy.

- Rudy got to play.
- I didn't say which Rudy.

Can't you give me a pity job,
like scorekeeper?

Fine, you're scorekeeper.

I don't want your pity job.

Dad, I think you need
a little more salt in your diet.

Where are you taking us?

You know,
I don't want to be here.

Shh. We're here.

Are you sure these are safe here?

No, this whole temple is a scam
to collect smelly shoes.

I knew it.

This is what
I was talking about.

These are salt mandalas.

This will change our lives.

Start pouring the salt.

Yum. Mm.

That's so beautiful.

I finally understand
why you had to come here.

So how do we get it home?

I worry about it in my carry-on.

I'm gonna need a lot of glue.

- We don't. We destroy it.
- What?

To prove attachment to any
material pursuit is meaningless.

I'll start.

Mom, you're tidying it.

Destroy it.

Are you happy now? Because...

I am.

Yes. You've achieved Zen.

Now you just have to do
two more.

- Hmm.
- I'm gonna go check on Dad.

You have been wasting
your talents bowling.

You have to destroy it.

Never! Never! Never!

Damn it!

Now do you see it?
Do you see the meaninglessness

of striving for worldly things?

I do.

I am going to stop being
so driven and ambitious...

Don't you laugh, Missy.

Amazing Zen.

He's like the reincarnation
of the Buddha.

It is the Buddha.

Great. Now I feel guilty
I stole his shoes.

We're in the late game,

and the Evergreen Terrors
have a narrow lead

against the Brazilian Blowouts, but...

where is Coach Homer Simpson?

Competition is meaningless.

To strive is to fail.

Out of nowhere,
the mind comes forth.

And a third thing.

Time for the lava quadball.

We're gonna win.
Dad's crazy coaching worked.

If I win, I'll be the most
famous girl gamer of all time.

Also, if I lose.

So beautiful. Must destroy.

No! Not now.

The match is canceled.
No refunds.

Send in the riot police.

Uh, welcome to our
19-hour-and-45-minute flight

from Seoul, South Korea
to Springfield.

One brief note: Our in-flight
entertainment system

is not working at all.

Have a great flight, folks.

Also, we're out of almonds.

Zen. Remember your Zen.

I'm sorry, you're too fat for coach.

We'll have to put you in first class.

Thanks to Buddha, I win again.

Dad, I don't think you've quite
grasped the religion.

Two words: Boo-duh.

We don't want you anymore.
You blew it.

Your son has a chance
to be well-adjusted.

Yeah, great.

Wait, I've got a baby daughter.

Maybe she's good at
beach volleyball.

How old is she?

- One.
- Too late.