The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 30, Episode 16 - Episode #30.16 - full transcript
♪ ♪
(shrieks)
(school bell rings)
(belches)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
(grunts)
(applause)
(stammers): You sit on me.
There's a remote in my crack.
Uh, Problems I Have!
I could use a slip cover.
Um, uh,
Things Your Sister Would Say!
No. Uh...
(gasps)
You haven't replaced me
since 1989.
Things a Couch Would Say!
- Yes!
- (bell dinging)
♪ ♪
Hopefully, we won't be out
too late, Shauna.
(Valley girl accent):
Whatever.
And just for the night,
could you lose the tongue ring?
Whatever.
Homer, is it too late
to change babysitters?
Yes.
So I'll have to stay home.
I don't think we have to--
Homer.
Yes, Marge?!
We both have to go
to Drug Awareness Night!
(sighs)
I guess we have no choice.
Here's the number
for the poison control center,
the allergy hotline,
and, if the kids misbehave,
Papa John's Pizza.
Don't worry, Mrs. Simpson.
We'll take great care
of your kids.
"We"?
Uh, me and God.
Okay, then.
We'll see you soon.
(moaning)
Want to watch videos
of pythons swallowing stuff?
Uh, can't we watch something
with kittens?
Oh, there's kittens in there.
(kitten meows)
This is pointless.
We learned all the new
dangerous drugs last year:
sprack, zup, borzo,
and crystal bam.
I hear
they're mixing bam with zup.
Interesting.
Bam and zup.
(chuckles)
This seminar's already paying
for itself.
Homer Simpson,
are you watching football
through your pants pocket?
But do you know how much love
is lost between these teams?
None!
Turn it off!
This bag of concentrated death
is what the kids today
call "blizzard."
Allow me to demonstrate.
On Skin-ner!
Superintendent,
I-I must protest.
I'm an educational professional
who...
- (grunting)
- That's a good boy.
Take your medicine.
(inhales, sighs)
Oh, let's get out of here.
I guess we can watch
the PowerPoint presentation
in bed tonight.
Oh, that sounds magical.
(quietly):
Just don't be conspicuous.
(phone ringing)
Ooh, it's Lenny.
Homer, I found my birth mom!
Her name is Cheryl, and
she wants nothing to do with...
(Marge groans)
(gasps)
A wedding expo!
Marge, there is no way
I'd ever be interested in--
Is there a girl in that cake?
No, just cake.
Oh... that is so sexy.
After you, Marge.
Ooh, a wedding expo!
It's like going
to a thousand weddings at once.
Sneaking in will be the most
romantic thing we've ever done.
More than our real wedding?
A thousand times more.
I was pregnant,
and you had a fever of 103.
103.4.
Aw, you remembered.
("Allegro Non Molto" from
Vivaldi's Four Seasons playing)
(sniffles)
It's so beautiful.
(sniffles)
Oh.
Even the prenups are gorgeous.
(techno music playing)
Your bride will look radiant
next to these hideous
bridesmaids dresses
made in colors
known to scare seagulls.
Oh, so beautiful!
Come back here, you.
You've got 12 more drugs
to test.
I both see and am God.
(suspenseful music playing)
Who will protect me
when you die?
Nothing's gonna happen to...
(grunts)
Does this house have a mixer?
We could make face cookies.
(chuckles)
Aw! You're gonna make
such a good dad.
(moaning)
(groans)
I feel like a walk.
You want to take a walk?
I feel glued to my seat
for reasons I don't understand.
It's all over, sweetheart.
The curse is broken.
Grandma will take care of you
from now o...
- (groans)
- (buzzing)
Ah!
Come on!
(Shauna giggling)
JIMBO:
Let's see if we can both fit
in Homer's underwear.
This is very sobering.
Why did we think
this would be cool?
What are you kids
doing out so late?
Babysitter party at our house.
Why don't you come inside
for a mug of cocoa?
- (ding)
- Coco-nut, that is,
to fill your belly
with much-needed potassium.
(chuckles):
Grins, people.
Thanks.
Potassi-yum.
This was a great idea.
It's like all the fun
of a wedding
without the boredom
of a wedding!
And who are you two?
Um, why, we're...
wedding planners!
Yes, and we're wondering
about your products.
(giggles)
For our clients.
Well, the Toast Master
is an AI-powered microphone
that guarantees
your best man's toast
will be heartwarming
and tasteful,
no matter how drunk
or passive-aggressive he is.
Ooh. Give it a try, Homie.
Oh, I couldn't.
Pretend one of my sisters
is getting married.
That hairy-legged ashtray?
Give me the mic.
When I heard
a guy was marrying Selma,
- I thought, That poor...
- MALE VOICE: Genius.
- ...must be...
- Fully sighted.
- ...and...
- Not marrying her
to harvest her organs.
(laughs)
Thank God. The Heffernans.
Oh, right. That's me.
D.R. Heffernan.
- (quietly): That's "Doctor."
- Right.
Dr. D.R. Heffernan.
The keynote speech
is in two minutes.
- What's a keynote speech?
- (chuckles)
Imagine Dr. Heffernan asking me
what a keynote speech is.
This way.
Finally, things are looking up
for the person
I'm pretending to be.
(laughter)
And the number one
new wedding trend is...
True love!
AUDIENCE:
True love! True love!
Buy our book if we have one.
I'm starting to think
that's not Dr. Heffernan.
(moaning)
(chuckles)
What a...
(moans)
...perfect night.
You wait here while I go...
(seductively):
pay the babysitter.
- (laughter)
- (loud music playing)
I'm not paying you!
Get out of my house!
-Later.
-And now, my lady,
to the boudoir,
which I believe
is somewhere near the bedroom.
(chuckles):
Ooh!
Ooh!
(grunts)
Have I picked you up yet?
I can't te-- Oh!
(strained):
You're so light!
(grunting)
- Ow!
- (inhales deeply)
(strained):
Perfect end to...
perfect night!
Voulez-vous coucher avec...
- (cracking, popping)
- (screams)
(grunting)
- What the?! (shouting)
- Ow!
(both groaning)
I guess
we should stop listening now.
No one's making you stay.
Marge, I'm afraid your days
of walking are over.
Oh, my God!
For about 36 hours.
By then, this mild ankle sprain
should be good as new.
It's my fault.
Homie wouldn't have dropped me
if I hadn't put on a few pounds.
Nonsense. It's not your fault
you're married to a...
this.
(moans)
And it was such
a good date night.
Well, now it's a hernia morning.
See, you've got a tear
in your abdominal wall
and a section of your intestine
has pushed through.
Aren't you going to chuckle?
An inguinal hernia
is no laughing matter.
(chuckles)
"Inguinal."
Will I need surgery?
Possibly. But don't be alarmed.
It's just some scalpel work
around your scrotum.
(groans)
- (engine revs, tires screech)
- A little more.
- (engine revs, tires screech)
- Little more.
- (engine revs, tires screech)
- Little more...
No, those are the wipers!
Oh, you just called OnStar.
Now, look, you two,
you're not kids anymore.
Listen to your body.
It'll tell you what to do.
(engine revs, tires screech)
WOMAN:
OnStar operator.
What is your emergency?
Every comedian
I thought is funny
is dead.
♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show! ♪
Hmm. "Possible side effects
may include hallucinations..."
(angrily):
...mm, "irritability,
inability to fo... cus."
Blah, blah, blah.
"Do not mix with alcohol"?
Fine, I'll drink it separately.
Boy, get me a beer.
- (Bart humming)
- (grunting)
- Huh? What are you doing?
- (chuckles)
Helping you get better.
I was watching Animal Planet,
and they said,
if it can't reach its own food,
the hippo dies.
Why, you little...!
(chuckles)
Bart, honey,
your father and I need you
to be a little more grown-up.
Can you do that?
I bet you can.
You got it, Mom.
(humming)
Honey, I signed us up for
physical therapy this afternoon.
They sound terrific.
Even booking the appointment,
they told me, "Great job."
Absolutely.
I want to get better.
I really do.
I know you do.
We'll start tomorrow.
Mwah.
MALE VOICE:
I would caution
against physical therapy.
Guys like us
don't look good in shorts.
Oh, why is it never hair growth?
It's me, your hernia.
Homer, your doctor told you
to listen to your body.
And I am telling you,
just take it easy.
Are you sure?
I just promised Marge.
Take it from your hernia.
(giggles)
(Marge grunting)
(New Zealand accent):
Oh, you've got this, Marge!
Now, focus on your co-ah.
I guess I've been
neglecting my key-aah.
Is it this?
No. All I can say is,
if you have a muscle
and you know what it does,
then that is not the co-ah.
Oh, the core.
Right, that's
what I said-- co-ah.
Now, what sports are we
gettin' you ready for, Marge?
Rollerblading? Uh, Muay Thai?
No, nothing like that.
I only have to be
in good enough shape
to take care
of an immobile 240-pound man.
Ah, so Homer isn't coming, eh?
You know,
I could go to him at work.
Oh, he's got
enough stress at work.
All right, well,
we'll get you into something.
Uh, mountain biking?
Free bouldering?
I got it. Marge, we are going
to get you kitesurfing!
Kitesurfing?
I could do that with Homie.
(alarm blares)
You know what?
I'm not letting Homer
drag me down this time.
Yes, I want to learn
kitesurfing.
♪ Let's go kitesurfing now ♪
♪ Middle-aged ladies
learning how ♪
♪ Come on Kitesurf-ari
with me... ♪
Kitesurfing's a simple sport.
All you need is
the wind and the waves.
And a spreader-bar, bindings,
impact vest, chicken loop,
donkey stick, squirrel clip,
and, of course, parking pass.
Yeah, ruining
people's day at the beach.
We are worse than sand
in a hot dog, eh, Lou?
You know there's
a double murder downtown?
Well, now it's a triple,
'cause you just killed my day.
Keep the kite swooping, Marge.
Follow the timing of my pecs.
Left, right, left, right,
left, left, right...
Ah. Don't look me
in the eyes, Marge.
My pecs are down here.
There you are.
Left, right,
left, left, right...
So, Mom is kitesurfing
while Dad is eating
three desserts.
Oh, your grandma and I
had our differences,
but we stopped arguing when she
disappeared for three decades.
Oh.
Oh, it's so nice
to get an evening out
just with you.
Can I get you a baby chair?
No? You're good?
Homer's-a talking to nobody.
The Cat Lady
is eating with cats.
Ralph is in-a the lobster tank?
I'm expensive.
Homer, you're doing great.
Look at those guys--
eating half portions,
trying to stay fit.
They're just setting
themselves up to meet my buddies
Torn ACL and Pinched Nerve.
Now, you, you're smart.
The most strenuous thing
you're gonna do
is fart
"The Star Spangled Banner."
Mm, that's got
a difficult range.
Is there an easier anthem?
Hey, the riskiest thing
we're gonna do is have lasagna.
We just had lasagna.
Have it again!
Nobody's gonna stop you.
I love you.
Who are you?
Cirrhosis. What's it to ya?
Homer, I'm going to the beach.
I packed lunch for two
if you want to come.
Oh, the beach.
Sure. Let's get sunstroke,
a hyperextended tendon,
and wrap it up by getting
decapitated by a Frisbee.
Hard pass.
Sorry, Marge. Hard pass.
(sighs) It's been so long
since you made a move on me.
Or any move.
Um, how about
if I drone you a kiss?
(kiss)
(horn honks)
Hurry up, Marge.
We're gonna catch big air
all morning,
sleep all afternoon,
then boil a sheep for breakfast.
I'm still on New Zealand time.
Been here 12 years
but can't shake it.
Please, Homer,
you're my husband.
Get up and live.
Sorry, Marge.
I got to go with my gut.
- (yawns)
- (blows raspberry)
If you don't come after me,
there's a big problem.
The drone doesn't count.
Hey. Can you watch the kids
this afternoon?
Sorry, Marge.
Hernia.
We make quite a team.
Who are you talking to?
Hey, I do not have voices
in my head.
(quietly):
They're in my crotch.
- (giggles)
- Ooh!
Just call my sisters
to watch the kids.
(snoring)
Let's drop him in the woods
and see if he can
find his way back.
Our parents are drifting apart.
And as much as
I don't enjoy doing this,
I need the advice
of the only couple we know
that seems to like each other.
I'm stuck with you.
Relationships
are simple, really.
Like, if Shauna's best friend
Tiffany comes on to me,
I make out with Shauna,
but I pretend it's her friend.
Aw.
(moaning)
Tiffany. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Guys. Guys, guys, guys.
Let's focus!
Focus.
Please give me something useful.
Okay. Your parents
have just got to find
something they both like doing.
Like, I like laughing at losers.
And I make losers happen.
- (grunts)
- (laughing)
(moaning)
(gasps)
Common interests!
Of course.
TV ANNOUNCER:
Back now to live coverage
of Little XII college golf
on ESPN-D3-2,
your second home
for Division III sports.
Dad, can you drive us
down to the beach?
I have a school project on...
sea turtles.
Don't listen to them.
You can see me?!
It's always the babies.
Hey. Where are the turtles?
There are no turtles, Homer.
It's a trick.
These kids are trying to help
you, 'cause they love you.
So there never were turtles?
No turtles!
I'm starting to think
there were no turtles.
(gasps)
Marge.
She looks so beautiful.
I've been such a fool.
And you forgot to get
a parking pass. Heh.
Our work is done, Lou.
(shudders):
Oh...
I'll never let
myself go like that!
I'm-a comin', Marge!
Ew! Gross!
Homer, you're making me mad.
And if there's one thing
you don't want to aggravate,
it's a hernia!
I'm Marge's husband, Homer.
Homer! Good-o!
Would you like me
to rehab you at work?
I could come right to you.
Same price.
Maybe. But now I need
your biggest, fastest kite.
- The Widdamaka?
- What?
Can you say that
without an accent?
-(without accent):
The Widowmaker.
-Oh! That's scary!
- Back to the accent!
- The Widdamaka.
I'll take it!
When I got married,
I took a vow:
"Something, something, something
till death something."
(yelps)
Homer! Rooster your gimbal!
Rooster your gimbal!
What does that mean?!
Pull the rope!
The other rope.
Homie!
You came for me!
And I'll never leave you.
Except right now
when the wind blows me
(fading):
God knows where....
They're headed for a wind farm!
(both gasp)
BOTH:
Whoa...!
(kiss)
Whoa...!
(kiss)
Whoa...!
(New England accent):
Well, Mother,
looks like we caught
a couple more kiteboarders.
- I'll get the big ladder.
- I'll tell the hospital
their power's gonna be down
for a while.
Strong woman, I love you.
(exhales)
And I love you.
And never again
will I listen to a doctor.
Wait, that's not the takeaway.
Takeaway?
That's a good idea!
Yello? Pizza Palace?
Can I get
a Henry the Eight-Inch Pizza
with extra meat?
And a side
of chocolate cheesy bread?
No such thing.
- Can you make it anyways?
- (groans)
Chief, I've got to make dinner
for my kids. Could you please
- tell me what this is about?
- Like most physical therapists
in America, this man
is actually a Russian spy.
Nigel is a spy?
Dimitri Nigelovonovitch.
Did you ever wonder
why he was so interested
in seeing your husband at work?
I thought
it was close to his house.
Didn't you ever ask yourself
how a beach bum like him
could afford a top-of-the-line
2007 Saturn SUV
with a full spare tire?
I guess I didn't want to know.
Just thank God, thank God your
husband is entrapping him now.
Homer, I just need
a few pictures of...
the co-ah.
- The what?
- Goo-ah.
- The car?
- Goo-ah.
Like a crow? Caw?
Co-ahr-car?
(Russian accent): Damn it.
Show me your reactor core.
All units, move in!
("Theme from
Mission: Impossible" playing)
♪ ♪
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
Shh!
(shrieks)
(school bell rings)
(belches)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
(grunts)
(applause)
(stammers): You sit on me.
There's a remote in my crack.
Uh, Problems I Have!
I could use a slip cover.
Um, uh,
Things Your Sister Would Say!
No. Uh...
(gasps)
You haven't replaced me
since 1989.
Things a Couch Would Say!
- Yes!
- (bell dinging)
♪ ♪
Hopefully, we won't be out
too late, Shauna.
(Valley girl accent):
Whatever.
And just for the night,
could you lose the tongue ring?
Whatever.
Homer, is it too late
to change babysitters?
Yes.
So I'll have to stay home.
I don't think we have to--
Homer.
Yes, Marge?!
We both have to go
to Drug Awareness Night!
(sighs)
I guess we have no choice.
Here's the number
for the poison control center,
the allergy hotline,
and, if the kids misbehave,
Papa John's Pizza.
Don't worry, Mrs. Simpson.
We'll take great care
of your kids.
"We"?
Uh, me and God.
Okay, then.
We'll see you soon.
(moaning)
Want to watch videos
of pythons swallowing stuff?
Uh, can't we watch something
with kittens?
Oh, there's kittens in there.
(kitten meows)
This is pointless.
We learned all the new
dangerous drugs last year:
sprack, zup, borzo,
and crystal bam.
I hear
they're mixing bam with zup.
Interesting.
Bam and zup.
(chuckles)
This seminar's already paying
for itself.
Homer Simpson,
are you watching football
through your pants pocket?
But do you know how much love
is lost between these teams?
None!
Turn it off!
This bag of concentrated death
is what the kids today
call "blizzard."
Allow me to demonstrate.
On Skin-ner!
Superintendent,
I-I must protest.
I'm an educational professional
who...
- (grunting)
- That's a good boy.
Take your medicine.
(inhales, sighs)
Oh, let's get out of here.
I guess we can watch
the PowerPoint presentation
in bed tonight.
Oh, that sounds magical.
(quietly):
Just don't be conspicuous.
(phone ringing)
Ooh, it's Lenny.
Homer, I found my birth mom!
Her name is Cheryl, and
she wants nothing to do with...
(Marge groans)
(gasps)
A wedding expo!
Marge, there is no way
I'd ever be interested in--
Is there a girl in that cake?
No, just cake.
Oh... that is so sexy.
After you, Marge.
Ooh, a wedding expo!
It's like going
to a thousand weddings at once.
Sneaking in will be the most
romantic thing we've ever done.
More than our real wedding?
A thousand times more.
I was pregnant,
and you had a fever of 103.
103.4.
Aw, you remembered.
("Allegro Non Molto" from
Vivaldi's Four Seasons playing)
(sniffles)
It's so beautiful.
(sniffles)
Oh.
Even the prenups are gorgeous.
(techno music playing)
Your bride will look radiant
next to these hideous
bridesmaids dresses
made in colors
known to scare seagulls.
Oh, so beautiful!
Come back here, you.
You've got 12 more drugs
to test.
I both see and am God.
(suspenseful music playing)
Who will protect me
when you die?
Nothing's gonna happen to...
(grunts)
Does this house have a mixer?
We could make face cookies.
(chuckles)
Aw! You're gonna make
such a good dad.
(moaning)
(groans)
I feel like a walk.
You want to take a walk?
I feel glued to my seat
for reasons I don't understand.
It's all over, sweetheart.
The curse is broken.
Grandma will take care of you
from now o...
- (groans)
- (buzzing)
Ah!
Come on!
(Shauna giggling)
JIMBO:
Let's see if we can both fit
in Homer's underwear.
This is very sobering.
Why did we think
this would be cool?
What are you kids
doing out so late?
Babysitter party at our house.
Why don't you come inside
for a mug of cocoa?
- (ding)
- Coco-nut, that is,
to fill your belly
with much-needed potassium.
(chuckles):
Grins, people.
Thanks.
Potassi-yum.
This was a great idea.
It's like all the fun
of a wedding
without the boredom
of a wedding!
And who are you two?
Um, why, we're...
wedding planners!
Yes, and we're wondering
about your products.
(giggles)
For our clients.
Well, the Toast Master
is an AI-powered microphone
that guarantees
your best man's toast
will be heartwarming
and tasteful,
no matter how drunk
or passive-aggressive he is.
Ooh. Give it a try, Homie.
Oh, I couldn't.
Pretend one of my sisters
is getting married.
That hairy-legged ashtray?
Give me the mic.
When I heard
a guy was marrying Selma,
- I thought, That poor...
- MALE VOICE: Genius.
- ...must be...
- Fully sighted.
- ...and...
- Not marrying her
to harvest her organs.
(laughs)
Thank God. The Heffernans.
Oh, right. That's me.
D.R. Heffernan.
- (quietly): That's "Doctor."
- Right.
Dr. D.R. Heffernan.
The keynote speech
is in two minutes.
- What's a keynote speech?
- (chuckles)
Imagine Dr. Heffernan asking me
what a keynote speech is.
This way.
Finally, things are looking up
for the person
I'm pretending to be.
(laughter)
And the number one
new wedding trend is...
True love!
AUDIENCE:
True love! True love!
Buy our book if we have one.
I'm starting to think
that's not Dr. Heffernan.
(moaning)
(chuckles)
What a...
(moans)
...perfect night.
You wait here while I go...
(seductively):
pay the babysitter.
- (laughter)
- (loud music playing)
I'm not paying you!
Get out of my house!
-Later.
-And now, my lady,
to the boudoir,
which I believe
is somewhere near the bedroom.
(chuckles):
Ooh!
Ooh!
(grunts)
Have I picked you up yet?
I can't te-- Oh!
(strained):
You're so light!
(grunting)
- Ow!
- (inhales deeply)
(strained):
Perfect end to...
perfect night!
Voulez-vous coucher avec...
- (cracking, popping)
- (screams)
(grunting)
- What the?! (shouting)
- Ow!
(both groaning)
I guess
we should stop listening now.
No one's making you stay.
Marge, I'm afraid your days
of walking are over.
Oh, my God!
For about 36 hours.
By then, this mild ankle sprain
should be good as new.
It's my fault.
Homie wouldn't have dropped me
if I hadn't put on a few pounds.
Nonsense. It's not your fault
you're married to a...
this.
(moans)
And it was such
a good date night.
Well, now it's a hernia morning.
See, you've got a tear
in your abdominal wall
and a section of your intestine
has pushed through.
Aren't you going to chuckle?
An inguinal hernia
is no laughing matter.
(chuckles)
"Inguinal."
Will I need surgery?
Possibly. But don't be alarmed.
It's just some scalpel work
around your scrotum.
(groans)
- (engine revs, tires screech)
- A little more.
- (engine revs, tires screech)
- Little more.
- (engine revs, tires screech)
- Little more...
No, those are the wipers!
Oh, you just called OnStar.
Now, look, you two,
you're not kids anymore.
Listen to your body.
It'll tell you what to do.
(engine revs, tires screech)
WOMAN:
OnStar operator.
What is your emergency?
Every comedian
I thought is funny
is dead.
♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show! ♪
Hmm. "Possible side effects
may include hallucinations..."
(angrily):
...mm, "irritability,
inability to fo... cus."
Blah, blah, blah.
"Do not mix with alcohol"?
Fine, I'll drink it separately.
Boy, get me a beer.
- (Bart humming)
- (grunting)
- Huh? What are you doing?
- (chuckles)
Helping you get better.
I was watching Animal Planet,
and they said,
if it can't reach its own food,
the hippo dies.
Why, you little...!
(chuckles)
Bart, honey,
your father and I need you
to be a little more grown-up.
Can you do that?
I bet you can.
You got it, Mom.
(humming)
Honey, I signed us up for
physical therapy this afternoon.
They sound terrific.
Even booking the appointment,
they told me, "Great job."
Absolutely.
I want to get better.
I really do.
I know you do.
We'll start tomorrow.
Mwah.
MALE VOICE:
I would caution
against physical therapy.
Guys like us
don't look good in shorts.
Oh, why is it never hair growth?
It's me, your hernia.
Homer, your doctor told you
to listen to your body.
And I am telling you,
just take it easy.
Are you sure?
I just promised Marge.
Take it from your hernia.
(giggles)
(Marge grunting)
(New Zealand accent):
Oh, you've got this, Marge!
Now, focus on your co-ah.
I guess I've been
neglecting my key-aah.
Is it this?
No. All I can say is,
if you have a muscle
and you know what it does,
then that is not the co-ah.
Oh, the core.
Right, that's
what I said-- co-ah.
Now, what sports are we
gettin' you ready for, Marge?
Rollerblading? Uh, Muay Thai?
No, nothing like that.
I only have to be
in good enough shape
to take care
of an immobile 240-pound man.
Ah, so Homer isn't coming, eh?
You know,
I could go to him at work.
Oh, he's got
enough stress at work.
All right, well,
we'll get you into something.
Uh, mountain biking?
Free bouldering?
I got it. Marge, we are going
to get you kitesurfing!
Kitesurfing?
I could do that with Homie.
(alarm blares)
You know what?
I'm not letting Homer
drag me down this time.
Yes, I want to learn
kitesurfing.
♪ Let's go kitesurfing now ♪
♪ Middle-aged ladies
learning how ♪
♪ Come on Kitesurf-ari
with me... ♪
Kitesurfing's a simple sport.
All you need is
the wind and the waves.
And a spreader-bar, bindings,
impact vest, chicken loop,
donkey stick, squirrel clip,
and, of course, parking pass.
Yeah, ruining
people's day at the beach.
We are worse than sand
in a hot dog, eh, Lou?
You know there's
a double murder downtown?
Well, now it's a triple,
'cause you just killed my day.
Keep the kite swooping, Marge.
Follow the timing of my pecs.
Left, right, left, right,
left, left, right...
Ah. Don't look me
in the eyes, Marge.
My pecs are down here.
There you are.
Left, right,
left, left, right...
So, Mom is kitesurfing
while Dad is eating
three desserts.
Oh, your grandma and I
had our differences,
but we stopped arguing when she
disappeared for three decades.
Oh.
Oh, it's so nice
to get an evening out
just with you.
Can I get you a baby chair?
No? You're good?
Homer's-a talking to nobody.
The Cat Lady
is eating with cats.
Ralph is in-a the lobster tank?
I'm expensive.
Homer, you're doing great.
Look at those guys--
eating half portions,
trying to stay fit.
They're just setting
themselves up to meet my buddies
Torn ACL and Pinched Nerve.
Now, you, you're smart.
The most strenuous thing
you're gonna do
is fart
"The Star Spangled Banner."
Mm, that's got
a difficult range.
Is there an easier anthem?
Hey, the riskiest thing
we're gonna do is have lasagna.
We just had lasagna.
Have it again!
Nobody's gonna stop you.
I love you.
Who are you?
Cirrhosis. What's it to ya?
Homer, I'm going to the beach.
I packed lunch for two
if you want to come.
Oh, the beach.
Sure. Let's get sunstroke,
a hyperextended tendon,
and wrap it up by getting
decapitated by a Frisbee.
Hard pass.
Sorry, Marge. Hard pass.
(sighs) It's been so long
since you made a move on me.
Or any move.
Um, how about
if I drone you a kiss?
(kiss)
(horn honks)
Hurry up, Marge.
We're gonna catch big air
all morning,
sleep all afternoon,
then boil a sheep for breakfast.
I'm still on New Zealand time.
Been here 12 years
but can't shake it.
Please, Homer,
you're my husband.
Get up and live.
Sorry, Marge.
I got to go with my gut.
- (yawns)
- (blows raspberry)
If you don't come after me,
there's a big problem.
The drone doesn't count.
Hey. Can you watch the kids
this afternoon?
Sorry, Marge.
Hernia.
We make quite a team.
Who are you talking to?
Hey, I do not have voices
in my head.
(quietly):
They're in my crotch.
- (giggles)
- Ooh!
Just call my sisters
to watch the kids.
(snoring)
Let's drop him in the woods
and see if he can
find his way back.
Our parents are drifting apart.
And as much as
I don't enjoy doing this,
I need the advice
of the only couple we know
that seems to like each other.
I'm stuck with you.
Relationships
are simple, really.
Like, if Shauna's best friend
Tiffany comes on to me,
I make out with Shauna,
but I pretend it's her friend.
Aw.
(moaning)
Tiffany. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Guys. Guys, guys, guys.
Let's focus!
Focus.
Please give me something useful.
Okay. Your parents
have just got to find
something they both like doing.
Like, I like laughing at losers.
And I make losers happen.
- (grunts)
- (laughing)
(moaning)
(gasps)
Common interests!
Of course.
TV ANNOUNCER:
Back now to live coverage
of Little XII college golf
on ESPN-D3-2,
your second home
for Division III sports.
Dad, can you drive us
down to the beach?
I have a school project on...
sea turtles.
Don't listen to them.
You can see me?!
It's always the babies.
Hey. Where are the turtles?
There are no turtles, Homer.
It's a trick.
These kids are trying to help
you, 'cause they love you.
So there never were turtles?
No turtles!
I'm starting to think
there were no turtles.
(gasps)
Marge.
She looks so beautiful.
I've been such a fool.
And you forgot to get
a parking pass. Heh.
Our work is done, Lou.
(shudders):
Oh...
I'll never let
myself go like that!
I'm-a comin', Marge!
Ew! Gross!
Homer, you're making me mad.
And if there's one thing
you don't want to aggravate,
it's a hernia!
I'm Marge's husband, Homer.
Homer! Good-o!
Would you like me
to rehab you at work?
I could come right to you.
Same price.
Maybe. But now I need
your biggest, fastest kite.
- The Widdamaka?
- What?
Can you say that
without an accent?
-(without accent):
The Widowmaker.
-Oh! That's scary!
- Back to the accent!
- The Widdamaka.
I'll take it!
When I got married,
I took a vow:
"Something, something, something
till death something."
(yelps)
Homer! Rooster your gimbal!
Rooster your gimbal!
What does that mean?!
Pull the rope!
The other rope.
Homie!
You came for me!
And I'll never leave you.
Except right now
when the wind blows me
(fading):
God knows where....
They're headed for a wind farm!
(both gasp)
BOTH:
Whoa...!
(kiss)
Whoa...!
(kiss)
Whoa...!
(New England accent):
Well, Mother,
looks like we caught
a couple more kiteboarders.
- I'll get the big ladder.
- I'll tell the hospital
their power's gonna be down
for a while.
Strong woman, I love you.
(exhales)
And I love you.
And never again
will I listen to a doctor.
Wait, that's not the takeaway.
Takeaway?
That's a good idea!
Yello? Pizza Palace?
Can I get
a Henry the Eight-Inch Pizza
with extra meat?
And a side
of chocolate cheesy bread?
No such thing.
- Can you make it anyways?
- (groans)
Chief, I've got to make dinner
for my kids. Could you please
- tell me what this is about?
- Like most physical therapists
in America, this man
is actually a Russian spy.
Nigel is a spy?
Dimitri Nigelovonovitch.
Did you ever wonder
why he was so interested
in seeing your husband at work?
I thought
it was close to his house.
Didn't you ever ask yourself
how a beach bum like him
could afford a top-of-the-line
2007 Saturn SUV
with a full spare tire?
I guess I didn't want to know.
Just thank God, thank God your
husband is entrapping him now.
Homer, I just need
a few pictures of...
the co-ah.
- The what?
- Goo-ah.
- The car?
- Goo-ah.
Like a crow? Caw?
Co-ahr-car?
(Russian accent): Damn it.
Show me your reactor core.
All units, move in!
("Theme from
Mission: Impossible" playing)
♪ ♪
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
Shh!