The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 30, Episode 10 - 'Tis the 30th Season - full transcript
Marge is determined to fix Christmas following a failed Black Friday shopping spree, but Homer and the kids surprise her with a vacation in Florida.
Ho, ho, ho!
Happy birthday.
D'oh!
Merry Christmas!
Another Thanksgiving is in the books.
Which means Christmas is starting.
Say, Lis, I couldn't help but notice
you're holding a piece of paper.
Oh, this piece of paper?
Why, it's just my
Christmas list, is all.
What a coincidence.
I also have my Christmas list
right here in my hand.
Oh, you selfish little gangsters.
There's always another
shakedown, isn't there?
What do you know, Bart? There's
only one present on my list.
My word, that's reasonable.
I, too, only found one present
to be list-worthy.
Oh, give me the lists.
We already have a TV.
We've been through ten Super Bowls,
XLIV through LIII.
But our dumb TV is not a smart TV.
And I just want one other
smart thing in this house.
Yeah, well, we'll think about it.
I want everything about
Christmas to be perfect,
but that smart TV
the kids want is $2,400.
That's ridiculous.
Our TV may not be smart,
but it's street smart.
It's Sprawl-Mart's
huge Black Friday sale.
Jay-G headphones only $49.99.
Two-piece sofa set only $249.99.
And this GL50 9K Smart TV only $499.99.
GL50 9K Smart TV.
Where have I heard that before?
The kids are chanting it nonstop.
GL50 9K Smart TV.
- GL50 9K Smart TV.
- Knock it off!
Supplies are limited,
so be here when the doors open
at 6:00 a.m.!
Black Friday: like The Purge,
but for bargains.
That's how we get it. We have to go.
Oh, old TV, you really are dumb.
You just told us how to replace you.
Why do we have an antenna on an HDTV?
I thought it looked cool.
So the customers
will be entering from here,
here and here.
Our biggest concern are the cutsies.
- I hate those Nazis.
- I said "cutsies."
- You think the Nazis didn't take cuts?
- Oh.
I leave for Sprawl-Mart now,
getting us a good place in line.
And I go to sleep now, waking up
in the middle of the night,
rested and ready to relieve you
- at 3:00 a.m.
- That's right.
Godspeed, hot woman.
I love you, too, Homie,
but I have to go.
My tongue is frozen to your zipper.
Aw, Marge, great to see you out here.
You want a Cup O' Noodles
to chase away the chill?
- How sweet.
- It's just water.
I can't afford the real thing,
but if you stare at the label
while you drink it,
you'd swear there was real
chicken powder in there.
Oh.
What bargain are you busting
down the door for?
I'm getting a Futon Friend
for my granddaughter.
I want her to remember me
as more than just a grandpa
who lives at the airport.
The trick is to carry
a piece of empty luggage
because then they... they...
Sorry, Ralphie, it's just too cold.
Even my blubber isn't helping.
Cold in the winter, hot in the summer.
Why did I grow you?
Oh, your hands feel cold.
Let me look at them.
Whoa, that's toasty! Am in Ipanema?
Hmm? Hmm?
I can do this. It's 2:30.
Homer's gonna be here any minute.
What?
What the...?
Ooh, got to relieve Marge!
My hands are starting to freeze.
I hope Homer gets here soon.
Why are we standing?
We still have hours
before the store opens.
To keep out the cutters.
Ow! You're punching me in the back.
I ain't doin' it.
It's the baby what's in my belly
thrashing about.
If you go into labor,
I'll help you deliver,
but then that baby has to go
to the back of the line.
Yeah!
I know how to hold a baby in.
Have a safe Black Friday,
and welcome to Thunderdome.
My hands are frozen,
which makes it easier to do this.
The electronics department.
I'm going to make it.
I'm not gonna make it!
Is there one drop of humanity
in this big-box store?
Don't look, Marge.
At any other time of year,
that man's life would be worth
more than a TV,
but not at Christmas.
Tell my granddaughter I existed.
This will help raise the little one.
♪ Jangle bells, jangle bells ♪
♪ We gots a TV ♪
♪ Now the only thing we lack ♪
♪ Is e-lectricity, hey! ♪
You did it, Marge.
You've given a poor old man
the greatest gift of all,
- a grandchild's love.
- Well, that makes it all...
I can't leave without one of those.
I'll give you a hundred bucks for it.
- Can't say no to that.
- Oh...
Oh! Marge, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to let you down.
I'm not mad at you. I won't
let myself be mad at you.
This is Christmas, and Christmas
is great for our kids,
and I vow on my life
to make it a great Christmas.
I totally agree.
Now because you've been
through so much, let me drive.
Let me call you an Uber.
So I'm afraid you won't be getting
the smart TV for Christmas.
We figured.
Never get your hopes up around here.
But I promise you, Christmas
will be better than ever.
I'll sweep that up, sweetie.
Your mother froze her fingers
trying to get a Christmas gift for you,
and what were you going to give her?
- Lanyard.
- Poem.
I thought as much.
Well, we're gonna make this
Christmas about your mother.
- But Christmas is for kids.
- Her.
Hi, guys, it's Monica here
with five easy hacks for resetting
your threshold Christmas caroler.
Number one, locate the P.I.X.
input on the pressure strip.
I already did that, Monica.
I think I've got it.
What if we take Mom on a Florida
vacation for Christmas?
Hoy, hoy, hoy.
I ride on a pig.
Don't forget to leave me porridge!
Ugh, I've got it set on Norwegian.
Well, at least we're
not planning a vacation
at the last second, we're
planning at the last minute.
Can't afford Nine Flags Underwater,
Yankees Fantasy Camp,
Yankees Suck Fantasy Camp...
Oh, my God, there's a place
we can afford.
I've never heard of it.
How can we be sure
it's what it seems in the ad?
That's a good point.
On the other hand...
only three rooms left!
And 58 people are looking at them.
All right, kids, let this be a lesson.
You should never succumb to something
just because you are pressured to...
One room left!
I got it! Full price,
nonrefundable! Boom!
Christmas is on me. Christmas is on me.
Marge, darling, remember when we agreed
you should take it down a few notches?
Yeah, the notches.
Always with the notches.
Marge, have you considered
that we could spend Christmas
somewhere else?
Home.
If it's not home, it's not Christmas.
Home, home, home!
We're gonna have to take her out cold.
You're getting one little...
sleeve and there you go.
- Mom?
- Yes, Lisa? Yes?
- That's not our cat.
- Damn it.
Mom, we came to sing some carols.
And I'll pour the tea.
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
♪ Start counting backwards
from ten to one ♪
♪ When you wake up ♪
♪ We'll have Christmas fun... ♪
Wake up, sleepyhead.
- We're in Tennessee.
- Tennessee?
We packed all the luggage ourselves.
After all that you've been through,
this Christmas is about you.
The warm air helped my hands.
I like Tennessee.
That's fantastic.
However, we just entered Georgia.
Change the bumper sticker, boy.
Dirty Birds! You got that right!
Yeah! Go, area team!
Enjoying the sunshine?
That's the Christmas gift
we get all year long.
Can we please get to our room?
We just drove 2,000 miles in four hours.
Of course.
And thank you for reminding me
why I never had kids.
Let's go, shall we?
All of us in this one little room?
I call sleeping in the bathtub!
I want to sleep in the bathtub.
There's no bathtub.
Just a combo shower and toilet.
We call it a shoilet.
Well, the fun is outside.
Ooh, that's gonna be a big one.
Oh, I don't know how we're gonna
give you kids a Christmas.
Dad, Bart, meet me in the shoilet.
D'oh!
Let me tell you something
about your mother.
She is always as happy
as the saddest one of us.
I'm not always the saddest one.
Polar bears are dying.
Oh, that's so sad.
So, rain or shine, we will
all have smiles on our faces.
Her mood will be based
on the signals we are giving.
All hands in.
Okay, three, two, one...
Fake enthusiasm.
What are you guys doing in here?
Uh, having a great time.
That's about to get better.
Really?
Who wants room service?
This is cool. Cartoon characters
no one's ever heard of.
That's Mulberry Mutt, Tremendous
Boar and Thelonious Skunk.
- Does somebody want a hug?
- No.
- Oh, I think you do.
- Really, I don't.
Hug the bull, boy.
That's right, kid. Legally,
you have to initiate it.
That's so sweet.
You know, they say whenever
you travel, it grows your brain.
This place is fantastic.
This place is a dump.
I picked it!
If you criticize this place,
you're criticizing me!
Well, in that case,
this place is a loser
with a gambling problem.
That's the worst thing
the kids could possibly hear.
I won once, when I met you.
Aw...
Come here.
Oh, for God's sake. I'll stop this.
Get this over with quick!
There's kids next door!
There's kids in here, too!
Makes you feel kind of
lonely, doesn't it?
- Yeah.
- Well, it all starts with a hug.
You want a hug?
Aw...
Oh, boy. You kids are up early.
Bart and I are going
to engage in perhaps
the most popular Florida tradition...
complaining to the manager.
Hey, come on in.
This place is nothing
like it looked on the Internet.
We can't compete with the big boys.
Disney's already laying ground
for a new Family Guy World.
♪ Lucky there's a family guy... ♪
I was the "it" boy in 2006.
I don't know when and I don't know how,
but I am gonna get you.
Well, at least something
in this place is clean now.
That was the most horrifying ride
I've ever been on.
Where's Maggie?
Oh, this is so much fun.
You know how I love history.
It's like looking at a rogues
gallery of America's villains.
According to the soundtrack to
Hamilton, you were a real jerk.
Vice presidents rule!
Aw. Are you really having a great time?
Really? Because I sure as heck am not.
No, I'm FaceTiming Milhouse
'cause it's more fun.
Whassup?
Milhouse, give me something.
I'm trapped in The Hall
of Vice Presidents.
Well, I'm kind of
the vice president of us.
Got to go.
And we've got to go. Back home.
We can be in Springfield by Christmas
if we can just get our money back.
Leave that to me.
I shot my best friend in the face.
There it is, the first snow.
It smells so clean.
Oh, my God.
Moe serves Christmas dinner
to the old and needy.
Yeah, look, it's the one
nice thing I do. Ha.
Guess old Moe's got a heart.
Also, if I turn the rummy away,
they might wind up in church.
That could turn their life around.
That's bad for business.
Moe, I never dreamed you were
capable of such a sweet thing.
Oh, no... I beg you,
don't make a moment out of this.
Oh.
Ha. You missed my tongue there,
but, eh, that's all right.
Everyone, please close your eyes.
Boy, you do the honors.
Dear Lord, we didn't get
the gift we wanted,
a GL50 9K Smart TV.
The place we went was a dump.
But isn't Christmas really about
being with your family
and your bartender?
We have traveled many miles to learn
there's no place like Moe's.
Amen.
If you're not going
to buy something, leave.
Bart, I disrespected you and I'm sorry.
I've refunded your money plus $2,400
if you pledge to never come here again.
And please tell
your sister she's pretty.
Not Lisa, the baby.
You can't win in Florida.
Oh, my God, why don't
your batteries die?
I have a solar head.
Well, you'll be happy to know
we've put the money to good use.
Now, to celebrate Christmas
the way our ancestors did.
You know, there's a real log
burning below it, right?
Yeah, but is it HD?
Happy birthday.
D'oh!
Merry Christmas!
Another Thanksgiving is in the books.
Which means Christmas is starting.
Say, Lis, I couldn't help but notice
you're holding a piece of paper.
Oh, this piece of paper?
Why, it's just my
Christmas list, is all.
What a coincidence.
I also have my Christmas list
right here in my hand.
Oh, you selfish little gangsters.
There's always another
shakedown, isn't there?
What do you know, Bart? There's
only one present on my list.
My word, that's reasonable.
I, too, only found one present
to be list-worthy.
Oh, give me the lists.
We already have a TV.
We've been through ten Super Bowls,
XLIV through LIII.
But our dumb TV is not a smart TV.
And I just want one other
smart thing in this house.
Yeah, well, we'll think about it.
I want everything about
Christmas to be perfect,
but that smart TV
the kids want is $2,400.
That's ridiculous.
Our TV may not be smart,
but it's street smart.
It's Sprawl-Mart's
huge Black Friday sale.
Jay-G headphones only $49.99.
Two-piece sofa set only $249.99.
And this GL50 9K Smart TV only $499.99.
GL50 9K Smart TV.
Where have I heard that before?
The kids are chanting it nonstop.
GL50 9K Smart TV.
- GL50 9K Smart TV.
- Knock it off!
Supplies are limited,
so be here when the doors open
at 6:00 a.m.!
Black Friday: like The Purge,
but for bargains.
That's how we get it. We have to go.
Oh, old TV, you really are dumb.
You just told us how to replace you.
Why do we have an antenna on an HDTV?
I thought it looked cool.
So the customers
will be entering from here,
here and here.
Our biggest concern are the cutsies.
- I hate those Nazis.
- I said "cutsies."
- You think the Nazis didn't take cuts?
- Oh.
I leave for Sprawl-Mart now,
getting us a good place in line.
And I go to sleep now, waking up
in the middle of the night,
rested and ready to relieve you
- at 3:00 a.m.
- That's right.
Godspeed, hot woman.
I love you, too, Homie,
but I have to go.
My tongue is frozen to your zipper.
Aw, Marge, great to see you out here.
You want a Cup O' Noodles
to chase away the chill?
- How sweet.
- It's just water.
I can't afford the real thing,
but if you stare at the label
while you drink it,
you'd swear there was real
chicken powder in there.
Oh.
What bargain are you busting
down the door for?
I'm getting a Futon Friend
for my granddaughter.
I want her to remember me
as more than just a grandpa
who lives at the airport.
The trick is to carry
a piece of empty luggage
because then they... they...
Sorry, Ralphie, it's just too cold.
Even my blubber isn't helping.
Cold in the winter, hot in the summer.
Why did I grow you?
Oh, your hands feel cold.
Let me look at them.
Whoa, that's toasty! Am in Ipanema?
Hmm? Hmm?
I can do this. It's 2:30.
Homer's gonna be here any minute.
What?
What the...?
Ooh, got to relieve Marge!
My hands are starting to freeze.
I hope Homer gets here soon.
Why are we standing?
We still have hours
before the store opens.
To keep out the cutters.
Ow! You're punching me in the back.
I ain't doin' it.
It's the baby what's in my belly
thrashing about.
If you go into labor,
I'll help you deliver,
but then that baby has to go
to the back of the line.
Yeah!
I know how to hold a baby in.
Have a safe Black Friday,
and welcome to Thunderdome.
My hands are frozen,
which makes it easier to do this.
The electronics department.
I'm going to make it.
I'm not gonna make it!
Is there one drop of humanity
in this big-box store?
Don't look, Marge.
At any other time of year,
that man's life would be worth
more than a TV,
but not at Christmas.
Tell my granddaughter I existed.
This will help raise the little one.
♪ Jangle bells, jangle bells ♪
♪ We gots a TV ♪
♪ Now the only thing we lack ♪
♪ Is e-lectricity, hey! ♪
You did it, Marge.
You've given a poor old man
the greatest gift of all,
- a grandchild's love.
- Well, that makes it all...
I can't leave without one of those.
I'll give you a hundred bucks for it.
- Can't say no to that.
- Oh...
Oh! Marge, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to let you down.
I'm not mad at you. I won't
let myself be mad at you.
This is Christmas, and Christmas
is great for our kids,
and I vow on my life
to make it a great Christmas.
I totally agree.
Now because you've been
through so much, let me drive.
Let me call you an Uber.
So I'm afraid you won't be getting
the smart TV for Christmas.
We figured.
Never get your hopes up around here.
But I promise you, Christmas
will be better than ever.
I'll sweep that up, sweetie.
Your mother froze her fingers
trying to get a Christmas gift for you,
and what were you going to give her?
- Lanyard.
- Poem.
I thought as much.
Well, we're gonna make this
Christmas about your mother.
- But Christmas is for kids.
- Her.
Hi, guys, it's Monica here
with five easy hacks for resetting
your threshold Christmas caroler.
Number one, locate the P.I.X.
input on the pressure strip.
I already did that, Monica.
I think I've got it.
What if we take Mom on a Florida
vacation for Christmas?
Hoy, hoy, hoy.
I ride on a pig.
Don't forget to leave me porridge!
Ugh, I've got it set on Norwegian.
Well, at least we're
not planning a vacation
at the last second, we're
planning at the last minute.
Can't afford Nine Flags Underwater,
Yankees Fantasy Camp,
Yankees Suck Fantasy Camp...
Oh, my God, there's a place
we can afford.
I've never heard of it.
How can we be sure
it's what it seems in the ad?
That's a good point.
On the other hand...
only three rooms left!
And 58 people are looking at them.
All right, kids, let this be a lesson.
You should never succumb to something
just because you are pressured to...
One room left!
I got it! Full price,
nonrefundable! Boom!
Christmas is on me. Christmas is on me.
Marge, darling, remember when we agreed
you should take it down a few notches?
Yeah, the notches.
Always with the notches.
Marge, have you considered
that we could spend Christmas
somewhere else?
Home.
If it's not home, it's not Christmas.
Home, home, home!
We're gonna have to take her out cold.
You're getting one little...
sleeve and there you go.
- Mom?
- Yes, Lisa? Yes?
- That's not our cat.
- Damn it.
Mom, we came to sing some carols.
And I'll pour the tea.
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
♪ Start counting backwards
from ten to one ♪
♪ When you wake up ♪
♪ We'll have Christmas fun... ♪
Wake up, sleepyhead.
- We're in Tennessee.
- Tennessee?
We packed all the luggage ourselves.
After all that you've been through,
this Christmas is about you.
The warm air helped my hands.
I like Tennessee.
That's fantastic.
However, we just entered Georgia.
Change the bumper sticker, boy.
Dirty Birds! You got that right!
Yeah! Go, area team!
Enjoying the sunshine?
That's the Christmas gift
we get all year long.
Can we please get to our room?
We just drove 2,000 miles in four hours.
Of course.
And thank you for reminding me
why I never had kids.
Let's go, shall we?
All of us in this one little room?
I call sleeping in the bathtub!
I want to sleep in the bathtub.
There's no bathtub.
Just a combo shower and toilet.
We call it a shoilet.
Well, the fun is outside.
Ooh, that's gonna be a big one.
Oh, I don't know how we're gonna
give you kids a Christmas.
Dad, Bart, meet me in the shoilet.
D'oh!
Let me tell you something
about your mother.
She is always as happy
as the saddest one of us.
I'm not always the saddest one.
Polar bears are dying.
Oh, that's so sad.
So, rain or shine, we will
all have smiles on our faces.
Her mood will be based
on the signals we are giving.
All hands in.
Okay, three, two, one...
Fake enthusiasm.
What are you guys doing in here?
Uh, having a great time.
That's about to get better.
Really?
Who wants room service?
This is cool. Cartoon characters
no one's ever heard of.
That's Mulberry Mutt, Tremendous
Boar and Thelonious Skunk.
- Does somebody want a hug?
- No.
- Oh, I think you do.
- Really, I don't.
Hug the bull, boy.
That's right, kid. Legally,
you have to initiate it.
That's so sweet.
You know, they say whenever
you travel, it grows your brain.
This place is fantastic.
This place is a dump.
I picked it!
If you criticize this place,
you're criticizing me!
Well, in that case,
this place is a loser
with a gambling problem.
That's the worst thing
the kids could possibly hear.
I won once, when I met you.
Aw...
Come here.
Oh, for God's sake. I'll stop this.
Get this over with quick!
There's kids next door!
There's kids in here, too!
Makes you feel kind of
lonely, doesn't it?
- Yeah.
- Well, it all starts with a hug.
You want a hug?
Aw...
Oh, boy. You kids are up early.
Bart and I are going
to engage in perhaps
the most popular Florida tradition...
complaining to the manager.
Hey, come on in.
This place is nothing
like it looked on the Internet.
We can't compete with the big boys.
Disney's already laying ground
for a new Family Guy World.
♪ Lucky there's a family guy... ♪
I was the "it" boy in 2006.
I don't know when and I don't know how,
but I am gonna get you.
Well, at least something
in this place is clean now.
That was the most horrifying ride
I've ever been on.
Where's Maggie?
Oh, this is so much fun.
You know how I love history.
It's like looking at a rogues
gallery of America's villains.
According to the soundtrack to
Hamilton, you were a real jerk.
Vice presidents rule!
Aw. Are you really having a great time?
Really? Because I sure as heck am not.
No, I'm FaceTiming Milhouse
'cause it's more fun.
Whassup?
Milhouse, give me something.
I'm trapped in The Hall
of Vice Presidents.
Well, I'm kind of
the vice president of us.
Got to go.
And we've got to go. Back home.
We can be in Springfield by Christmas
if we can just get our money back.
Leave that to me.
I shot my best friend in the face.
There it is, the first snow.
It smells so clean.
Oh, my God.
Moe serves Christmas dinner
to the old and needy.
Yeah, look, it's the one
nice thing I do. Ha.
Guess old Moe's got a heart.
Also, if I turn the rummy away,
they might wind up in church.
That could turn their life around.
That's bad for business.
Moe, I never dreamed you were
capable of such a sweet thing.
Oh, no... I beg you,
don't make a moment out of this.
Oh.
Ha. You missed my tongue there,
but, eh, that's all right.
Everyone, please close your eyes.
Boy, you do the honors.
Dear Lord, we didn't get
the gift we wanted,
a GL50 9K Smart TV.
The place we went was a dump.
But isn't Christmas really about
being with your family
and your bartender?
We have traveled many miles to learn
there's no place like Moe's.
Amen.
If you're not going
to buy something, leave.
Bart, I disrespected you and I'm sorry.
I've refunded your money plus $2,400
if you pledge to never come here again.
And please tell
your sister she's pretty.
Not Lisa, the baby.
You can't win in Florida.
Oh, my God, why don't
your batteries die?
I have a solar head.
Well, you'll be happy to know
we've put the money to good use.
Now, to celebrate Christmas
the way our ancestors did.
You know, there's a real log
burning below it, right?
Yeah, but is it HD?