The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Bart the Murderer - full transcript

After having a horrible day, Bart gets a job tending bar for a group of gangsters and becomes the prime suspect when Principal Skinner mysteriously disappears.

##Ahh, the Simpsons ##

D'oh!

Good morning, world!

Ow!

Ow... ow...

Good morning, Lisa.

What are you so happy about?

Why shouldn't I be happy?

It's a beautiful day,
my homework is done...

I got my mojo working,
and we're going on a field trip...

this afternoon.



And looks like I got me...

a genuine glow-in-the-dark
police badge.

Hmm...

Hey, it's not in here.

You stole it!

No one wants
your stupid police badge, Bart.

Hey, look what I got--

a genuine official police badge.

Calling all cars.

Come out with your hands up.

Hey, that's my badge, Homer.

That's Officer Homer.

Lousy prize-grabbing,
badge-wearing...

Aah!



You ate my homework?

I didn't know dogs
really did that.

Wait! Wait!

D'oh!

Bart Simpson, you're late.

Go fill out a tardy slip.

But I'm only five...
1 0, 20... 40 minutes?

That's pretty damn late.

Come on, over this way.

Hey, girls...

look at me!

You can stop looking at me now.

Ooh!

Well, it's nearly 1 :00.

You know what that means.

That's right--
it's time for our field trip...

to the chocolate factory.

Did you remember
your permission slips?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Ugh!

Oh, what a day.

I'm going to eat
eight pieces of chocolate.

I'll eat it till I barf.

Don't worry, Bart.

We'll find something
fun for you to do.

Here's a whole box
of unsealed envelopes...

for the P.T.A.

You're making me lick envelopes?

Licking envelopes can be fun.

Just make a game of it.

What kind of game?

Well, see how many
you can lick in an hour.

Then try to break
that record.

Sounds like
a pretty crappy game.

Yes, well, get started.

Oh, my God!

It's Cocoa Beanie himself.

I think this is something
Bart would have enjoyed...

but it's the only way
he'll learn.

Uh... uh...
children, please.

Uh...

Welcome to
the chocolate factory.

I'm Troy McClure.

You probably remember me
from such films...

as The Revenge of Abe Lincoln...

and The Wackiest Covered Wagon
in the West.

The history of chocolate
starts with the ancient Aztecs.

In those days...

instead of being wrapped
in a hygienic package...

chocolate was wrapped...

in a tobacco leaf.

Instead of being pure chocolate...

like we have today...

it was mixed
with shredded tobacco...

and they didn't eat it--

they smoked it.

You didn't believe me...

when I said it would be fun,
did you?

No, thir.

My glasses!

Please, kids, play sanitary.

Tan I doe now?

What?

''Tan...

I... doe... now?''

Hmm...

Well, there's still
a minute to go.

Oh, why not?

But don't you tell your teacher...

I let you go early.

Die don't.

Aaaaah!

Ugh!... Aah!... Unh!...

Son of a b... Oof!.

What next?

Uh-oh.

What's with the kid?

Hands off
the material.

What do you know?

The kid's tough.

He's got spunk.

I wonder if he is lucky also.

Pick a horse, kid.

Shelbyville Downs, third race.

Make it good.

Eat my shorts.

Eat My Shorts.

Okay, let's see.

Hey, wait a minute,
you little punk!

That's the fifth race.

I said the third race.

Don't have a cow.

Don't Have a Cow
in the third.

Put a deuce on him.

While we are waiting,
let me show you around.

This is our bar...

and our slot machine
and card tables.

Cool.

Boss, here's the call
for the third race.

It's Suffering Succotash
by a neck...

over Yabba-Dabba-Do, Ain't I
a Stinker, and That's All Folks.

Here comes Don't Have a Cow
flying on the outside...

and it's Don't Have a Cow.

I like this kid.

And we were
gonna shoot him.

Can you mix drinks?

I don't know.

I'll have a Manhattan.

Make Legs a Manhattan.

I'm not sure I...

Mmm, mmm...

Mm-hmm.

Well?

Su-perb.

You got a job? Doing what?

Uh, I don't know.

Mixing drinks,
picking horses...

cutting cigars-- a job.

Your father and I
don't want you doing that.

Homer, say something.

What does it pay?

Thirty bucks a week.

I make more than that.

I was looking for those.

Thanks, doll.

Duh...

It's funny because it's true.

Well observed.

Chief Wiggum, you honor us
with your presence.

Baloney! I won't rest...

until one of us
is behind bars--you.

You know anything
about a cigarette truck...

that got hijacked
on Route 401 ?

What's a truck?

Don't play dumb with me.

Relax, Chief.

You seem tense.

You know, the boy here
makes an excellent Manhattan.

Ah!

I'm still going
to put you away.

Good for you.

Bart! Have you
started smoking?

No.

Don't lie to me, boy.

Uh-huh! Cigarettes.

Just as I thought.

My boss said
his warehouse was full.

Yeah, right.

I'm going to teach you
a lesson.

I'm going to stand here...

and watch you smoke
every one of those cigarettes.

Then maybe you'll learn.

Fat Tony sent me over
to pick up the goods.

In here, my man.

You look good
with that cigarette--

kind of sophisticated.

Son, I'll never
doubt you again.

The contents
of the hijacked truck...

some 1 2,000 cartons
of Laramie 1 00s.

We have... Please!

We have a number of leads...

and let me assure
all you smokers...

there is no shortage
of cigarettes.

How do we know that?

Let me refer that
back toJack Larson...

of Laramie Tobacco Products.

Thank you, Chief.

Folks, I'm pleased to announce
that a new truckload of Laramies...

with their smooth good taste
and rich tobacco flavor...

is already heading
toward Springfield...

and the driver
has been instructed...

to ignore all stop signs
and crosswalks.

Police suspect the involvement
of reputed mobster...

William ''Fat Tony'' Williams.

Fat Tony is a cancer
on this fair city...

and I am the...

Uh, what cures cancer?

Bart, is your boss a crook?

I don't think so...

although
it would explain...

an awful lot.

Me and the boys thank you...

for hanging on to this for us.

Thanks.

Uh... say...

are you guys crooks?

Bart, um... is it wrong
to steal a loaf of bread...

to feed
your starving family?

No.

For a large
starving family...

is it wrong to steal
a truckload of bread?

Uh-uh.

And what if your family
don't like bread?

They like... cigarettes.

I guess that's okay.

Now, what if instead
of giving them away...

you sold them
at a price...

that was practically
giving them away?

Would that
be a crime?

Hell no.

Enjoy your gift.

Su-perb.

Give me three fingers
of milk, Ma.

It's good he has
a part-time job...

but I'm not sure...

about the people
Bart's working for.

I think they're criminals.

Ajob's a job.

If my plant pollutes the water
and poisons the town...

by your logic,
that would make me a criminal.

Bart's been acting
very strangely...

and that pizza delivery truck...

has been parked
across the street for two weeks.

How long does it take
to deliver a pizza?

Our cover's blown.

Let's roll.

See? It was all
your imagination.

Homer, I want you to go
down to that club...

and talk to them.

See what kind
of people they are.

Please, Homie.

Oh, all right.

Hmm.

Read 'em and weep, boys.

Another pair of sixes.

Beats me.

I was bluffing.

You win again,
Homer.

I am thrilled your boy...

can continue
to work here.

If you need a hat-check girl,
I've got a daughter.

Homer, you're
a hell of a father.

Homer! What did
you find out?

The only thing
going on down there...

was male bonding.

More stink lines, boys.

Hmm?

What are you boys doing?

You didn't see nothing.
Now, beat it.

So, Fat Tony,
you invite...

me and my associates
to your club...

with the promise...

of the finest Manhattans
in all of Springfield.

Now you say your bartender
isn't here?

I don't know
what happened.

Louie, make up
some Manhattans.

I only know how to make
wine spritzers.

Now!

What have I done to deserve
this flat, flavorless Manhattan?

Mmmmm...

Come on, boys.

The kiss of death.

That's all I need.

...lousy Skinner.

You are late for work.

Of course
I'm late for work!

Principal Skinner
kept me after school.

Is Skinner causing you trouble?

He sure is, patron.

Hmm. Perhaps we should go...

to meet and greet
this individual.

Come on, boys.

Some large men
to see you, sir.

I don't have an appointment
with any large men.

You Skinner?

I'm Principal Skinner, yes.

And how did you get past
the hall monitors?

Children, I don't know
how to break this to you...

but Principal Skinner is...

missing.

Uh-oh.

- [ Gasps ]
- What..?

Mm-mmm.

I thought I found him,
but it was only a cat.

- Chief Wiggum?
- Chief Wiggum?

Please, I assure you...

we'll be using the most advanced
scientific techniques...

in the field of...

body finding.

I see wedding bells...

for Vanna White
and Teddy Kennedy.

If we could just stick
to Principal Skinner.

Chief Wiggum, I am merely
a conduit for the spirits.

Willie Nelson
will astound his fans...

by swimming
the English Channel.

Really? Willie Nelson?

He loved fire drills.

Will you get a hold
of yourself, lass...

for the wee bairns.

Hey! Look at me!

I'm Skinner's body.

That is not funny.

I heard he's buried
under his parking spot.

I heard he was ground
into hamburger for lunch.

I heard Bart
had him killed.

That's just a rumor.

You're engaged in speculation.

I know the law.

You can't prove anything.

Wuhaa!

You killed me!

- Nuhh...
- Nuhh...

You killed me, Bart!

You k-k-killed me, B-Bart.

Reverend Lovejoy!

You've come
to comfort me?

Yes, Bart.

There, there.

There, there.

Kill my boy.

Kill my boy.

There.

You're eight hours
early for work.

I like that.

Did you kill my principal?

Chinese guy with a moustache?

No. My principal.

That Skinner guy?

No, we didn't kill him.

You're all under arrest...

for the murder
of Seymour Skinner.

What's a murder?

Don't play dumb with me.

Cuff them, boys.

Oh, Bart.

Why couldn't you
have gotten a paper route...

like other boys?

Wait till I get you home.

Who's that guy?

Lionel Hutz, attorney.

I'll be defending you
on the charge of...

murder one!

Wow. Even if I lose
I'll be famous.

That Simpson boy
is looking at 1 80 years.

Thank God we live in a country
so hysterical over crime...

that a child can be tried
as an adult.

I didn't order
this guy killed.

Aren't you the head
of this gang?

No. I just stop by the club...

to read the complimentary
newspaper.

Then who is the kingpin,
the capo di tutti capi?

That's the guy.

Hey!

Forgive me, Don Bartholomew.

We tried to stop the kid,
but he wouldn't quit.

Prostitution, loan sharking,
numbers...

The kid liked to wet his beak
in everything.

You've been his father
for ten years.

Do you really think
he could be the leader...

of a murderous
criminal syndicate?

Well, not the leader...

I mean...

Oh, it's true, it's true!

All the pieces fit.

In light
of the testimony...

from your gangsters,
your father...

your teachers and
a seemingly endless parade...

of emotionally shattered
baby-sitters...

this court has
no choice but to...

Stop!

Principal Skinner!

I thought he was dead.

I suppose you're wondering
where I've been.

It all started a week ago.

I was at my desk...

updating the school
dress codes...

when I was confronted by toughs...

acting on behalf
of one Bart Simpson...

or so they said.

We think the boy
has promise.

Get out!

To get my mind
off that ugly confrontation...

I went home and began bundling
my old newspapers.

Suddenly the pile fell.

I was trapped.

Let this be a lesson
to recycle frequently.

I stayed alive
by eating my mother's preserves...

and maintained my sanity...

by dribbling
a nearby basketball.

I made a game
of seeing how many times...

I could bounce the ball,
and breaking that record.

The police arrived
to search my home.

Find anything, boys?

No sign of him.

Princess Opal?

I'm afraid
it's splitsville...

for Delta Burke
and Major Dad.

They seemed so happy.

I shouted until I was hoarse,
but they couldn't hear me.

I'm in here!

Well, let's go.

Okay, Chief.

I realized
if I was ever getting out...

I had to do it myself.

I formed a crude rocket...

from a cigar tube.

Remembering an experiment
from my days...

as a science teacher...

I concocted a fuel...

from baking soda
and lemon juice.

The rocket took off with
a mighty blast of carbon dioxide...

dragging a vacuum cleaner
cord.

I grabbed the vacuum cleaner...

pushed the cord-retractor
button...

and was on my way to freedom.

And that's my courageous story.

The prosecution moves...

that this testimony
be stricken from the record.

Denied. Case dismissed.

Your Honor...

uh, do I still get paid?

I hope there are
no hard feelings.

Get bent.

I deserve that.

I know we let you down,
but me and the boys...

we still think
you've got a big future...

in racketeering
and extortion.

I used to think
your gang was cool...

but now I learned...

that crime doesn't pay.

Yeah, you're right.

Blood on the Blackboard::
The Bart Simpson Story...

starring Richard Chamberlain
as Principal Skinner...

Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony...

Jane Seymour
as the woman he loved...

and Neil Patrick Harris
as Bart Simpson.

Let's get out of here.

Shut up.

Where do you want it, Skinner?

Not smart.

- Cool!
- When do we get the check for this?

They changed it
just enough...

so they don't have
to pay us.

You know who
the real crooks are--

those sleazy
Hollywood producers.

Shh!