The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 3, Episode 24 - Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes? - full transcript

##Ahh, the Simpsons ##

D'oh!

Forgot there was
a physical today, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, Homer, can I borrow
your underwear?

Nah.

This can't be right.

This man has 1 04% body fat.

Hey, no eating in the tank.

Go to hell.

How was your day at work, dear?



Oh, the usual--
stand in front of this.

Open that. Pull down this.

Bend over. Spread apart that.

Turn your head that way. Cough.

Sir, I'm afraid...

Homer Simpson is sterile.

Who?

A cabbagehead from sector 7-G.

Take a look at this sperm sample.

Eww.

Now, compare this
with a normal sperm sample.

Oh, yes.

I'm afraid radiation
from the plant is the reason.

He could sue for millions.



Mother of pearl.

Call my lawyers!

Let me make one thing clear.

I want your legal advice.

I even pay for it.

But to me, you're all vipers.

You live on personal injury,
on divorces.

You live on pain and misery!

But I'm rambling.

Anybody want coffee?

I'll have coffee.

Want it black, don't you?

Black like your heart.

It's so hard to listen.

I hate you all so much!

I'm sorry. It's my problem.
I'll deal with it.

Please continue.

If you offer Mr. Simpson
a couple thou...

he'll be so dazzled...

he'll sign anything
you shove under his nose.

Oh, a cash settlement.

I could have figured that out,
you buttoned-down maggot!

You have cream?

Yes. Where are my manners?

Yeah, I used to be rich.

I owned Mickey Mouse
massage parlors.

Then those Disney sleazeballs
shut me down.

I said, ''I'll change the logo--
put Mickey's pants on.''

Some guys
you just can't reason with.

I used to own
a successful car company.

My strategy was giving them
Japanese names.

You ever drive
a Tempura hatchback?

- Oh, yeah.
- Sure.

I got hit by one of those.

Yeah, life was sweet.

Then I found out
I had a long-lost half brother.

Homer?

Herb?

I let him design
a car that would...

make or break my company.

Presenting the Homer.

I'm ruined!

Forbes called it::

Overblown, don't you think?

What about New Coke?

Hey! I invented that.

Yeah, but all that's
in the past...

because this is America,
and in America...

you're never finished
as long as you've got a brain...

because all a man
really needs is an idea.

- Well, I'm licked.
- Me too.

Now, the next event...

in our living room Olympics--

the controversial couch vault.

I do this for Stainmaster carpets...

proud sponsor
of the living room Olympics.

What the hell are you..?

Oh, my couch!

The arms, the seat--

The dream is over.

Who did this?

We were sitting on the couch...

when we heard a creaking noise.

We leapt off just in time
to see it collapse.

There, there.

You're safe now, little sister.

Why did this have to happen now
during prime time...

when TV's brightest stars
come out to shine?

Oh, good-bye, old girl.

We've had a lot of great memories.

That's right. I shotJ.R.

Except for huge gaps
in the western states...

Hands Across America
was a complete success.

Well, I never thought I'd see it.

They're dancing
on the Berlin Wall.

These live and lively lovers
of liberation...

Boring.

Sorry I ruined
your date, Sergeant Carter.

Pyle!

Well, friend, you're going
back where you came from--

the curb in front
of Flanders's house.

Now, let's see.

I need an idea.

Idea... idea!

What's the matter with me?

I used to have hundreds of ideas.

What do you want?

I just changed your diaper.

Are you hungry?

Are you cold?

Do you want to go home?

Lady, you just gave me...

the idea of a lifetime.

How do I thank you?

Don't hurt me.

Consider it done.

Hey, pal, I heard about the couch.

Yeah, you going to be okay?

Yeah. You know, my life
just can't get any worse.

That's right.

There's no way my life
could possibly get any worse.

Simpson, report to Mr. Burns's office.

D'oh!

Is this the one
with the lazy sperm?

Mm-hmm.

Ah, Simpson,
you big, virile son of a gun...

would you like
a check for $2,000?

Would I!

All you have to do...

is sign this form.

I'm not signing anything
until I read it...

or somebody gives me
the gist of it.

Ooh. All right.

Well, it just explains
that you've...

won--yes, that's it--

won the first annual...

Montgomery Burns...

uh... Award for...

Outstanding Achievement
in the Field of...

Excellence.

Don't I get some kind of trophy?

And a big awards ceremony?

Yes. That was Bonita DeWolf...

and the Springfield
Nuclear Plant Soft-shoe Society.

This is the biggest farce
I ever saw.

What about the Emmys?

I stand corrected.

And now, to present the award...

here's former
heavyweight champion...

Smokin'Joe Frazier.

Webster's Dictionary
defines excellence...

as ''the quality or condition
of being excellent.''

And now the winner...

of the first annual
Montgomery Burns Award...

for Outstanding Achievement
in the Field of Excellence.

Please, please...

You know you won.

Don't jinx it.

The winner: Homer Simpson.

Oh, my God!

I win!

Keep those
pickled eggs coming.

You cleaned me out.

What's the matter, Homer?

Cummerbund tight?

I miss my couch.

I know how you feel.

You lost the couch.

I lost the heavyweight championship.

Heavyweight championship.

There's three of those.

That couch was one of a kind.

I know things are tough now...

but one day, you'll be walking along...

and see a piece of furniture...

you can love just as much.

Hey, Frazier, shut up!

You been riding
my back all night.

Oh, yeah?
Care to step outside?

Let's do it.

I think I'm going to take a walk.

All right! A peanut.

I'm telling you,
all a man needs is an idea...

and I've got an idea.

Then how come
you're still a bum?

All right.
A man needs two things--

an idea and money
to get it off the ground.

Hello, what's this?

Hmm.

Any of you guys know...

which freight goes to Springfield?

Uh-uh.

No.

No.

That's the one!

I feel so empty,
so alone, so couchless.

Wow! The Spinemelter 2000.

Give me full power.

But, sir...

Damn it!

I said full power.

Dad?

Dad?

I'll take it.

This chair is $2,000.

We can buy a whole
living room set for that.

There's an empty spot inside me.

I tried to fill it
with family, religion...

community service,
but those were dead ends.

I think this chair is the answer.

We can't just spend this money...

on some creature comfort.

All right, we won't get the chair.

Now excuse me while I kiss the sky.

Hmm...

Yes?

Oh, sorry,
I must have the wrong house.

That's where
you're wrong, friend.

Today's our tithe day...

and we've got ourselves a transient.

Come in, my friend.

Let us feed and bathe you.

- Hey, wait a minute.
- Dad, can I anoint the sores on his feet?

I think it's Mom's turn, son.

Oh, no fair.

Thanks for the suit.

If you ever want to spend the night...

Maude and I
can sleep on card tables.

They're singing again.

Lousy neighbors.

Wish I was deaf.

What am I going to say?

This is the guy who ruined me.

But on the other hand, he's family.

So many conflicting emotions.
How to express them?

Herb?

Uncky Herb!

Bart! Lisa!

I'm so glad to see you.

You weren't so glad to see me.

I'm sorry, but I'm still mad at you.

Every word you say
makes me want to punch you.

In my home, could you
just kick me in the butt?

I'll try, but I'm not
making any promises.

Herb!
How have you been?

I've been living
in a cardboard box...

sleeping on grates,
eating out of Dumpsters. You?

Can't complain.

Let me give you the grand tour.

This is one
of our many light switches.

It functions
in both the on and off mode.

On, off. On, off.

He knows how to work a light switch.

Oh, yeah, right.

I don't know what this switch does.

This is really good, Marge.

I got the recipe from
the Utility Grade Beef Council.

They do good work.

Uncky Herb, what advice
would you give to a boy...

who will most likely become
a bum like yourself?

Discarded pizza boxes...

are an inexpensive source of cheese.

Lisa, aren't you happy to see me?

Why didn't you write?

What would I say?

'' Dear Lisa, last night...

I used a rat for a pillow
thanks to your pop''?

I see your point.

Maggie, I'm going to let you in
on a little secret.

You're going to make me rich again.

Yes, you are.

Yes, you are.

One, two, three...
Ventnor Avenue.

And while on Ventnor Avenue...

you'll be staying
at the fabulous Hotel Lisa.

A valet will be around shortly...

to park your thimble.

There is the unpleasant matter
of the bill.

Get to the point.

1 1 50 bones.

That's all I got.

Broke again, eh, Herb?

Just like in real life.

I guess you're just not
much of a businessman.

Maybe we should play
another game.

Why are we playing games...

when we got two grand in the bank?

Dad won the First Annual
Montgomery Burns Award.

We should invest in a set...

of''Great Books
of Western Civilization.''

Look at this ad
from New Republic for Kids.

'' Each month, a new classic
will be delivered.

''Paradise Regained,
Martin Chuzzlewit...

or Herman Melville's
twin classics, Omoo and Typee. ''

Marge, didn't you want
that vibrating chair?

That was your idea.

We should get a machine gun.

We could hunt game,
spell out things...

or ring in the new year.

I really think we need
to replace the washer and dryer.

How would you like
to spend $2,000

to give a broken man
a second chance?

Nah.

What are you talking about?

Not here.

Come into the dining room.

I have a 20-minute presentation...

that will change the world.

20 minutes? Oh...

Okay, now before I tell you
about my idea...

I'd like to show you this.

It's drinking the water!

Take it easy, Homer.

This is an example...

of how one little idea,
carefully marketed--

This is the greatest invention
in the world.

You'll make a million dollars.

No, that invention
is out already.

I'm just using it as an example.

It's going back for more.

Oh...

Homer, this is my invention.

Now of course,
with these blueprints...

you'll have to use...

your imagination.

What the-- Hmmm.

It's a baby translator.

It measures the pitch...

the frequency, and the urgency
of a baby's cries.

Then it tells whoever's around
in plain English...

exactly what the baby is trying to say.

Everything from ''change me''

to ''turn off
that damn Raffi record.''

That's a very clever idea.

All I need is
a couple of thousand dollars...

to build a prototype.

You'll have your money back...

in 30 days, I swear.

We owe a debt to Uncky Herb.

He took us in
and Dad destroyed him.

Some shyster will bilk you
out of your money.

It may as well be your brother.

I'll lend you the 2,000 bucks...

but you have to forgive me
and treat me like a brother.

No.

Then give me...

the drinking bird.

What could you be saying?

Nothing downstairs.

You just took a nap.

''I want to suck your nose.''

Hooga-booga, hooga-booga.

''I'm scared.''

Hmm...

The amplitude of the sine wave...

is insufficient for ''burp me''

and this sawtooth formation
seems to...

Blah!

Eureka.

Now, I bet you're all wondering...

what lies under this sheet.

No. We peeked
while you were in the john.

Oh.

Well, here it is again...

my baby translator.

Ooh!

Marge, you don't have to humor me.

Well, it's pretty ingrained.

What do you think, Homer?

This is the stupidest
thing I've ever seen.

I can't believe
we blew 2,000 bucks on it...

when right now...

rollers could be kneading
my buttocks.

Could you stop thinking
about your ass?

I try, but I can't.

Lavish attention on me...

and entertain me.

Oh, Maggie, you talked!

You see?

It tells you exactly
what's on the baby's mind.

Maggie.

Maggie.

Where did you go?

Peekaboo!

Oh, there you are.

Very amusing.

Homer, now what do you think?

I don't know, Herb.

People are afraid of new things.

You should have taken
an existing product...

and put a clock in it.

Homer, every mother
in the country...

will want one of these.

I have soiled myself.

How embarrassing.

I gave Herb all my money...

and he still treats me like
something he dug out of his ear.

He can't stay mad at you forever.

He is your brother.

When is he going
to act like it?

This radio-controlled plane...

gives your baby the chance to fly...

just like my son here.

He can execute the barrel roll,
the loop-the-loop...

and bring it in
for the perfect landing.

Oh, dear.

My wife is going to kill me.

I only want to eat candy.

Then that's all you'll get.

This leash demeans us both.

I'll take two!

I'll take a dozen!

I represent...

the Precious Baby Discount Stores.

I'll take 50,000!

I'm rich again!

U.S.A.!

U.S.A.!

U.S.A.!

Homer...

here's a check for $2,000.

I also wanted to give you
each something...

for believing in me.

Lisa, this is the first volume...

of''the Great Books
of Western Civilization.''

You'll receive a new one every month...

from Beowolf to Less Than Zero.

Finally a copy of Ethan Frome
to call my own.

You're too young
for that machine gun...

but I'm giving you something...

that will make sure
when you're old enough...

you can still buy one...

a membership in the National
Rifle Association.

Wow! The N.R.A.!

Can I get armor-piercing,
cyanide-tipped bullets?

It's in the Constitution.

Maggie...

who brought me my fortune...

I'll give you...

anything you want in this world.

I want what the dog's eating.

D'oh!

I'll get you...

something nice.

Now, Marge...

Herb, I don't need any gift.

You're too late, Marge.

I got you a new washer and dryer...

and sold the old ones for 50 bucks.

- Come on, washer!

Oh, you stupid dryer!

Herb, I don't think...

there's a vibrating chair
in that bag for me.

Homer, walk me to my car.

What do I get?

It's not another
punch in the face, is it?

This is what you get, Homer.

I forgive you.

You can call me brother,
and I can do the same.

That's it?

That's it.

I see your point... brother.

Give me a hug... brother.

All right...

but I never really
hugged a man before.

Homer, I bought you the damn chair.

Get out of here.

Go on,
that's enough.

Get out of here.

Shh!