The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 3, Episode 22 - The Otto Show - full transcript

After Otto loses his job as school bus driver because he does not have a license, Bart convinces Homer and Marge to let Otto stay with them until he gets back on his feet.

##Ahh, the Simpsons ##

D'oh!

Hey, Homer, let's book!

I want to whip eggs
at the warm-up act.

Wow, my concert-going jacket
still fits.

And this is where
I used to hide my beer.

Billy Beer!

My little guy's
first rock concert.

I hope the Spinal Taps
don't play too loud.

Oh, I went to thousands
of heavy metal concerts...

and it never hurt me.



I hear you.

Come on, boy.

There goes
Davy Crockett...

in his bald-skin cap.

In other Spinal Tap news...

Mayor Quimby honored
the aging super group...

in a ceremony at city hall.

''Tapping'' into
the ''spines'' of young voters, huh?

Let's play the tape.

Hey, Milhouse,
cool jacket.

It cost me 50,000
Bazooka Joe comics.

Meet me here
after the show.

Thanks, Dad.

You won't be bored?



Boy, some of the best times
I've ever had...

were in
the back seat of a car.

Ohhh...

Oh, baby.

Ahh.

Official tour '92
T-shirts, $31 .

Check it out--

Spinal Tap kicking
Moammar Khadafy...

in the butt.

A timeless classic.

Hey, Bill
and Marty here.

And we're rapping
with the Tap.

Fellas, this phrase
has dogged you...

throughout your career--

''Washed up.''

Yet you're among the top 1 05
concert acts today.

What's your secret, guys?

After the Berlin Wall fell
our records started selling...

on the dismal side
of the Iron Curtain.

That gave us a boost.

We're big in Bulgaria,
and the other Garia.

Hungaria?

Who's benefited...

more from the death
of communism than us?

Maybe the people who live
in communist countries.

I bet
you're right.

But we each just bought
our own soccer team.

How many Hungarios
can say that?

Test... test...

Gee, I'm sorry, man.

Huh?

About the frisbee.

Frisbee?

Would you mind...

recording some promos?

Like what?

Maybe you could say...

''Nobody rocks
like Bill and Marty on KBBL.''

We don't know that.

What if somebody rocks
as good as you?

Or better.

We don't want
to look stupid.

We respect that.

How about,
''Rock-a-doodle-doo!

You're listening
to Bill and Marty''?

- Yeah, sure.
- That's good.

Tap! Tap! Tap!

There's puddles
of water...

all over
the freakin' stage.

Well, I don't want to lie.

Six days a week the place
is a hockey rink.

Well, this is
a rock concert...

not the bleedin'...
splish-splash show.

Ladies and gentlemen...

boys and girls...

Duff Beer, in association
with Laramie Cigarettes...

is proud to welcome Spinal Tap!

Medium setting.

Thank you!

All right!

This morning
we were driving down...

route 401 .

That's only four miles
from my house!

And we thought they could rock
in Shelbyville.

But nobody rocks like...

Springfield!

Well, it seems
some silly twit...

did not get a big enough
oxygen pump...

but that's supposed
to be a devil.

Filled with air,
it's very evil and impressive.

We salute you,
our half-inflated dark lord!

- Oy!
- Oy!

Oy!

People think there are only
five members of Spinal Tap...

but they're wrong.

Could we turn up
the house lights?

That was the cue
to turn up the lights...

so we can tell
the audience...

they're the sixth member
of the freakin' group!

We are trying
to put a tiny thrill...

into their gray little lives.

Oh, forget it.

Turn on the lasers.

Aah! My vision.

That's it.

Show's over.

Good night, Springden.

There will be no encores.

They were only on
for 20 minutes.

What a gyp.

Gnarly show, man.

Want to trash
the stage?

Okay.

Aah!

Tonight the city weeps...

as for the first time ever...

a hockey arena becomes
the scene of violence...

following a concert
by Spinal Tap.

I hope my poor
little baby's okay.

See for yourself.

Unh!

It would be wrong
to suggest...

this sort of mayhem
began with rock and roll.

After all, there were riots...

at the premiere of Mozart's
The Magic Flute.

So, what's the answer--
ban all music?

In this reporter's opinion,
the answer is yes.

Hi, Mom.

Oh...

Oh, thank God.

Mom, I want to be a rock star.

Mm... We'll discuss it later.

Is Milhouse okay?

Uh...

I'll be right back.

Help!

Help!

I've been thinking
about what Bart said.

If he's really interested
in being a musician...

let's buy him a guitar.

We already have
a guitar.

I meant a real guitar.

This is real.

Wow!

And it came with
a free instruction book.

We spent a lot of money...

so you get real good,
real fast, or pow.!

Homer!

I thought I was supposed
to encourage him.

I'd like to play me latest chart topper.

It's called...

''Me Fans Are Stupid Pigs.''

Bart, you've
got to go on.

Slag off.

You've changed, man.

It used to be about the music.

I said slag off!.

Cool!

Knock it off.

I'm sorry.

Knock it off!.

I's just jammin'
with ya.

Hey, Simpson...

what are you trying
to play?

''Polly-wolly Doodle.''

Oh, yeah? Well, it sounds
Polly-wolly crappy.

Burn.

Hey, cherry ax,
Bart dude.

I think it's broken.

Oh, really? Give it here.

I didn't know you played
the guitar, Otto man.

That's all I did
in high school.

My old man said
I was wasting my time...

and I'd never amount
to anything.

I, uh... Hmm.

Now I'd like to slow things down
a little bit.

Although
I'm sure...

I will receive a wedgie
from my bus mates...

I must remind you...

we should have been at school
ten minutes ago.

Uh-oh. Better fasten
your seat belts, little dudes.

We don't have seat belts.

Uh... Well, then
just try to go limp.

Better take a shortcut.

Good show last night.

Yeah, quite good.

Good Lord! Did anyone
get the license number?

- Gee, I forgot.
- Uh, no.

Yay!

Whee!

It's a miracle...

no one was hurt.

I stand on my record--

1 5 crashes and not
a single fatality.

Let's see
your license, pal.

No can do.
Never got one.

If you need proof
of my identity...

I wrote my name
on my underwear.

Oh, wait--
these aren't mine.

Until you get a license
and wear your own underwear...

you are suspended without pay.

Who will drive the bus?

I drove an all-terrain vehicle
in Da Nang.

I think I can handle it.

Where's Otto?

That's one palindrome you won't
be hearing for a while.

Off we go.

Oh, there's an opening.

Oh, too late.

Nope, nope...

Uh... That would cut it
a little close.

You have to be
more aggressive, sir.

Nonsense.

One of our good citizens
will slow down and wave me in.

Nope.

What's so funny?

I was thinking
about the time...

Homer caught his nose
in the toaster.

We'll watch
the tape tonight.

You got someone
at your window.

My name's Patty.

I'll be testing you.

When you do good,
I use the green pen.

When you do bad,
I use the red pen.

Any questions?

Yeah, one: Have you
always been a chick?

No offense, but you were born
a man, weren't you?

You can tell me.

I'm open-minded.

I won't be needing this.

All right!

Yeah!

How did I do?

Well,
you failed every segment...

and misspelled ''bus''
on your application.

Drag.

Let me in.

Let me in!

Shut up!

Hey, Landlord,
some clown changed my locks...

padlocked the door,
and put up an eviction notice.

Yeah. That was me.

You?

Well, uh... Why?

You haven't paid
your rent.

Can I at least
get my stuff?

All I found in there
was a jar of mustard...

and a couple
of old Cycle magazines.

Wow! I had mustard?

Rough day, Apu.

Pump me a squishee
and don't spare the syrup.

Perhaps you'd like to try
an experimental flavor of mine--

a delicious chutney squishee.

Uh...
Okay.

You can really taste
the chutney.

Ow!

Otto man?

You're living
in a Dumpster?

Oh, man, I wish.

Dumpster brand trash bins
are top-of-the-line.

This is just a Trash-co
waste disposal unit.

Come home with me.

You can stay in our garage.

A garage!

Somebody up there likes me.

Whoo!

Hey.

Bart, what's going on?

Mom, I thought...

you might forget...

our conversation
this afternoon...

so I took the precaution
of recording it.

What conversation?

Mom, can Otto live in our garage?

He sure can.

Marge, what
were you thinking?

That's not my voice.

Oh, everybody says that...

when they hear
themselves on tape.

I don't understand this.

Why can't you stay
with your parents?

The admiral and I
don't get along.

Please, I've got
nowhere else to go.

Forget it-- That line
didn't work for my dad...

and it won't work for you.

Otto's going through
a tough time.

Can't he stay
for a while?

I know we didn't ask
for this, Homer...

but doesn't the Bible say...

''Whatsoever you do
to the least of my brothers...

that you do unto me''?

But doesn't the Bible
also say...

''Thou shalt not take...
moochers into thy... hut''?

Please, Dad?

If you let Otto stay...

he'll help around
the house...

and chip in a few bucks.

All right, he can stay...

but I get to treat him
like garbage.

Wow, what's the catch?

The can of corn costs... 57 ?!

I could sure go
for a can of corn.

Otto...

you can't just sit there
watching TV all day.

You're right.

I should do
a little reading.

Uh, you got any of those
Where's Waldo? books?

No.

- Anything from the vampire's
point of view?
- No.

Anything where guys...

send in naked pictures
of their chicks?

You should get a job.

The only thing
I was ever good at...

was bus driving...

and now I need a piece
of paper to do that.

So get that piece of paper.

I tried!

Oh, Lord, how I did try.

Knock it off!.

I can't hear myself think.

I want some peanuts.

That's better.

How come you never play
your guitar anymore?

I'll tell you
the truth.

I wasn't good at it,
so I quit.

I hope you're not mad.

Son, come here.

Of course I'm not mad.

If something's hard to do,
then it's not worth doing.

You just stick that guitar
in the closet...

next to your shortwave radio...

your karate outfit,
and your unicycle...

and we'll go inside
and watch TV.

What's on?

It doesn't matter.

Open up! Open up!

I got to go,
and no fooling.

Hey, Pop-N-Fresh!

You're supposed
to giggle.

Gyyaaagh!!

That guy has got to go.

I know how you feel...

but he is good
with the kids.

So the lady drove faster,
but the strange car...

kept banging into her
from behind.

So, finally,
she swerved off the road...

into the woods...

and lost the other car...

and that's when she realized...

the man in the other car
wasn't trying to hurt her.

No-- He was trying
to warn her...

about the ax-wielding maniac
hiding in her back seat!

Did the maniac kill her?

Natch. You know how I know?

How?

Because...

I was that maniac.

Hey, I was
just kidding.

That's it.
He's out of here.

But we're the only family
he's got.

This is not Happy Days,
and he is not the Fonz.

Hey-y-y, Mr. S.

Listen, you drain-clogging,
last-cookie-eating...

collect-call-getting sponge.

I want you
out of my house.

Heavy.

What will you do, Otto?

Oh, don't worry.

There's plenty
of money out there...

for a guy who knows
how to fake his own death.

Before you do that...

maybe you should take
the driving test again.

I can't pass that thing.

I got a zero last time.

This time I'm hung over.

You can do it.

You're the coolest adult
I ever met.

Wow. I've never been called
an adult before.

I've been tried as one, but...

I'll do it.

''Alcohol increases
your ability to drive.''

False?!

Oh, man!

I don't know about this,
Bart dude.

Your dad is right.

I am a bum.

He didn't call you a bum.

He called you a sponge.

Sponge?!

Does this look like something
a sponge would do?!

I'll show him...

who's a sponge.

Well, if it isn't
Wee Willy Washout.

- I want to take the test again.
- Why?

So I can staple
my license...

to Homer Simpson's
big bald head!

Really? Well, here's
your written test.

I'll get you started.

''B,'' ''C,'' ''D,''
''A,'' ''B...''

Homer had a piece of food
on his face for three days.

It wasn't little either.

It was a chicken wing.

Wing!

Ooh, what was that?

It doesn't matter.

Let's get some margaritas.

I'm buying.

Otto!

That's what
my driver's license says.

Yes, hail to the bus driver...

bus driver man.

- Shh!