The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington - full transcript
Lisa enters a contest and wins a trip to Washington D.C. for the whole family. While there, she discovers corruption and decides to expose the corrupt official.
##Ahh, The Simpsons ##
D'oh!
Stupid junk mail.
Yeah. Win this.
I'll see that he gets it.
How dumb do they think I am?
Huh? A check?
One million dollars.
I'm rich!
Mr. Simpson, I can assure you,
this check of yours is nonnegotiable.
Oh, yeah?
Well, what makes you so damn sure?
See where it says ''Void, void, void''
and ''This is not a check''?
''Cash value
1 /20th of a cent.''
- '' Mr. Banker, do not honor.''
- Shut up.
I had a feeling it was
too good to be true.
Every time you get a million dollars,
something queers the deal.
I don't think real checks
have exclamation points.
Well, at least we got
a free sample of Reading Digest.
Marge, I never read
a magazine in my life,
and I'm not gonna start now.
Hey, a cartoon!
Ain't it the truth?
No, it's not the truth, Homer.
It's well-documented that women
are safer drivers than men.
Oh, Marge, cartoons
don't have any deep meaning.
They're just stupid drawings
that give you a cheap laugh.
Hey, Einstein,
put down your reading.
- It's lunchtime.
- You go ahead.
Hey, you don't wanna eat?
What you do, get one of them
stomach staples?
As Tolstoy said
in Quotable Notables...
''Give me learning, sir,
and you may keep your black bread.''
- Who is that bookworm, Smithers?
- Homer Simpson, sir.
Simpson, eh?
How very strange.
His job description
clearly specifies an illiterate.
We now return to Troy McClure
and Delores Montenegro
in Preacher With a Shovel.
But Irrigation can save
your people, Chief Smiling Bear.
Marge, look at them
staring at that idiot box.
God forbid they would
ever read something
and improve their minds.
You've certainly taken
a shine to that magazine.
It's not just
one magazine, Marge.
They take hundreds of magazines,
filter out the crap...
and leave you with something
that fits right in your front pocket.
God! Those kids don't know
what they're missing.
- Dad!
- Hey, what gives, man?
We're all going to sit down
as a family...
and listen to an inspiring story
of wilderness survival.
''Then I heard the sound...
''that all
arctic explorers dread--
the pitiless bark
of the sea lion.''
He'll be killed!
Homer, he obviously got out alive
if he wrote the article.
Don't be so--
Oh, you're right.
Homey, put down your magazine
for a minute.
- Huh?
- I thought you might wanna snuggle.
That reminds me.
''Seven ways to spice up
your marriage.''
Marge, ''You have a nice body...
and if you'd like to
see me in a costume,
you have only to ask.''
Thank you, Homey.
- Wow! Little meat loaf men!
Where did you get
the idea for this, Mom?
Where do you think?
This baby never steers
you wrong, and it was free!
- Free.
- It certainly has enriched our lives.
Wow. ''Win a trip
to Washington, D.C.
All expenses paid.
V.I.P. tour.''
- Oh, it's for kids.
- Wait, Dad!
An essay contest.
''Children under 1 2.
Three-hundred words,
fiercely pro-American.''
Sounds interesting.
Bart, maybe this is something
you'd like to do too.
Mom, it's a nice thought,
but we both know that
this is the pony to bet on.
What would Ben Franklin say
if he were alive today?
He'd say, uh...
''Think of a better opening.''
- How's it going, honey?
- Not very well.
Well, when I used to
get stuck like this,
I'd go for a bike ride.
- Do kids go
on bike rides anymore?
- Yes!
I don't know.
I thought maybe bikes
weren't cool anymore.
- Do kids still use that word ''cool''?
- Yes, Mom!
Okay, America, inspire me.
Wow, a bald eagle.
Hmm.
Thanks for driving me
to the contest, Dad.
Sweetheart, there's nothing
I wouldn't do for that magazine.
''So burn the flag if you must,
but before you do...
''you better burn
a few other things.
''You better burn your shirt
and your pants.
'' Be sure to burn
your TV and car.
''Oh, yes, and don't forget
to burn your house...
''because none of those things
could exist without six white stripes...
seven red stripes
and a hell of a lot of stars.''
- Thank you very much.
Yeah! Damn right!
'' Recipe for a free country:
Mix one cup liberty with
three teaspoons of justice.
Add one informed electorate.
Baste well with veto power.''
'' My back is spineless.
My belly is yellow.
I am the American nonvoter.''
''Stir in two cups of checks.
Sprinkle liberally with balances.''
'' Ding, dong. The sounds
of the Liberty Bell.
Ding-- freedom.
Dong-- opportunity.
Ding-- excellent schools.
Dong-- quality hospitals.''
''When America was born
on that hotJuly day in 1 77 6...
''the trees in Springfield Forest
were tiny saplings,
trembling towards the sun.
''And as they were nourished
by Mother Earth...
''so too did our fledgling nation
find strength...
''in the simple ideals
of equality and justice.
''Who would have thought
such mighty oaks
or such a powerful nation...
could grow out of something
so fragile, so pure?''
- Thank you.
- What do you think?
- It's good.
A little too good
for an eight-year-old.
Me thinks I detect
the sickly scent of the daddy.
Mr. Simpson, I'd like to
ask you a few questions
about your daughter's essay.
- Lisa, will you excuse us?
- Okay.
''We the purple''?
What the hell was that?
- Are you a professional writer?
- Mm-mmm.
Are you interested in
politics or government?
I don't know.
- Are you interested in anything?
- I don't know.
- Could you touch your nose for me? Hmm.
- Mm. Hmm.
Lisa, after meeting
your father...
I've decided to award you
an additional five points.
Congratulations.
You and your family
are going to Washington.
Wa-hoo!
Who would have guessed...
reading and writing
would pay off?
- Yes, sir, can I get you something?
- Playing cards, notepad...
aspirin, sewing kit,
pilot's wing pin...
propeller-shaped swizzle stick,
sleeping mask...
- and anything else
I've got coming to me.
- I'll see what I can do.
- Hmm.
- Steward!
Little boy, I bet you'd like to
visit the cockpit.
Ooh-ooh, baby!
And this control stick is like
the handlebars on your tricycle.
Now, would you
like to see where
we hang our coats?
No, thank you.
I'd rather push
this button. Oops!
- No!
- We're all gonna die!
Look, Marge, that guy has
the same last name we do. Taxi.!
Oh, look, Homer,
the I.R.S.
- Boo!
- Oh, boo yourself.
[ Marge ]
Here we are, kids.
The Watergate.
- Hey!
Homer, look.!
They give you a shower cap...
and body gel
and bathrobes.
And a welcoming mint
on your pillow.
Wow, a shoehorn.
Just like in the movies.
Shoe goes on, shoe goes off,
shoe goes on, shoe goes off.
Shoe goes on,
shoe goes off.
Hey, I call first bedsies.
Bart, there's no such thing
as first bedsies.
You just made that up.
Well, okay,
which one do you want?
I... want... that one.
Really?
You want that one?
It's all yours.
Whatever you say.
- Why? What's wrong with it?
- Nothing.
- Have a good night's sleep, Lisa.
- No, really, what?
- Nothing.
- What did you do to it?
- Nothing.
- Mom!
What the-- D'oh!
Stupid welcoming mint!
- Hello?
- Good morning.
This is your wake-up call.
Wake-up call?
It's 2:00 a.m.
Sorry, fatso.
Free food?
Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley--
patriotism editor of Reading Digest.
Oh, I love your magazine.
My favorite section is
'' How to Increase Your Word Power.''
That thing is really,
really, really... good.
Well, good.
Lisa, I'd like you to meet
some other finalists.
- This is Trong Van Dinh
and Maria Dominguez.
- Hello.
Maria is the National
Spelling Bee Champion.
And Trong has won both
the Westinghouse Talent Search...
and the NFL Punt,
Pass and Kick Competition.
Have either of you ever run
into any problems because
of your superior ability?
- Hmm?
- Sure, I guess.
- Oh, me too!
These are special
V.I.P. badges.
They'll get you into places
other tourists never see.
- Miss, what does the ''I'' stand for?
- Important.
- Oh! How about the ''V''?
- Very.
- Oh! And, miss,
just one more question.
- Person.
Ah!
- What does the ''I'' stand for again?
- Oh!
- ''On this spot, Richard Nixon
bowled back-to-back 300 games.''
- Yeah, right.
Wow, the president's bathroom.
- Do you mind?
- Barbara Bush!
Oh, you have
those damn badges.
Okay. This tub
was installed in 1 894.
Mmm. Money.
Hey, watch it, chief.
Folks, we print more than
1 8 million bills a day.
Oh, and in case
you were wondering...
no, we don't give out
free samples.
Lousy, cheap country.
Bart, get out
of The Spirit of St. Louis.!
- Hey, what's so funny.
- Oh, Marge, grow up!
Congressman, this is, uh,
Springfield National Forest.
- Now, basically, what we
wanna do is cut her down.
- Uh-huh.
As you can see
in our artist's rendition,
it's full of old growth...
just aging
and festering away.
In comes our logging company
to thin out the clutter.
It's all part of nature's,
you know, cycle.
Well,Jerry, you're a whale
of a lobbyist, and, uh...
I'd like to give you a logging permit,
I would, but, uh...
this isn't like
burying toxic waste.
People are gonna notice
those trees are gone.
Eh, Congressman, this is where
it gets awkward.
I-- I never quite know
how to put this.
- I just want to--
- Offer me a bribe?
- Oh, what is it?
It's that little girl from Springfield
who wrote the essay.
- Could be a good photo-op.
- Sure, fine.
- So, uh, where do we--
- Duh, duh, duh, Not here.
I've got a little place that
I use for these, uh, matters.
Call me tonight.
- Well, hi there.
You must be Lisa Simpson.
- Hello, sir.
Lisa, you're a doer,
and who knows, maybe someday...
you'll be a congressman
or a senator.
We have quite a few
women senators, you know.
- Only two. I checked.
You're a sharp one.
Well, how about a few pictures?
Tot shot always plays
in the sticks.
Oh, isn't that nice?
Now there is
a politician who cares.
If I ever vote,
it'll be for him.
Mom?
Lisa, the contest
isn't for three hours.
I'm too excited to sleep.
Anyone up for the
Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial?
- Who's that?
- An early crusader for women's rights.
She led the Floor Mop
Rebellion of 1 91 0.
Later, she appeared on
the highly unpopular
7 5-cent piece.
- Okay, but you don't know
what you're missing.
Oh!
''I will iron your sheets
when you iron out...
the inequities
in your labor laws.''
- Amen, sister.
I told you
no one ever came here.
So, Bob, where do we stand
on Springfield Forest?
Do I get my logging permit?
Well, let me put it
this way,Jerry. Timber!
- What a pooch.
- Woof woof!.
How can I read my essay now?
I don't believe my own words.
Honest Abe--
he'll show me the way.
- Mr. Lincoln--
- Mr. Lincoln,
I need your advice.
What can I do to make this
a better country?
Is this a good time
to buy a house?
- I can't get my boy to brush.
- Would I look good
with a mustache?
I tried using turpentine,
but that just made it worse.
Mr. Lincoln?
Mr. Lincoln?
My name is Lisa Simpson,
and I have a problem!
Mr.Jefferson,
my name is Lisa Simpson...
- and I have a problem.
- I know your problem.
The Lincoln Memorial
was too crowded.
- Sorry, sir. It's just--
- No one ever comes to see me.
I don't blame them.
I never did anything important--
just the Declaration
of Independence...
the Louisiana Purchase,
the dumbwaiter--
Maybe I should be going.
I caught you at a bad time.
Wait! Please don't go.
I get so lonely.
The truth must be told.
Oh.! Oh.! Oh.! Oh.!
Rudy, my man,
you're a miracle worker.
Your laundry, sir.
There you go.
Buy yourself something nice.
- Thank you.
- Bart, are you ready to
go to--
- I'll room service you.!
- Before you kill me...
remember, this trip
is all expenses paid.
- Thank you.
- Oh, this guy is awful.
I know, honey,
but just sit still.
- Welcome, everyone,
to the awards luncheon.
I'd like to introduce
our distinguished judges...
who will select
our scholarship winner.
Former Redskins great
Alonzo Flowers...
perennial third-party candidate
Wilson DeFarge...
Senate page Brad Fletcher...
skin care consultant Rowena...
and wealthy gadabout
Chilton Gaines.
Our first essayist
will be Lisa Simpson.
Lisa? Lisa?
- Oh, there she is.
Lisa Simpson
will now read her essay--
I would like to read
a different essay, if I may?
Um-- Okay.
The city of Washington was built
on a stagnant swamp...
some 200 years ago
and very little has changed.
It stank then
and it stinks now.
Only today, it is
the fetid stench of corruption
that hangs in the air.
- Cool! A ruckus.
And who did I see
taking a bribe...
but the honorable
Bob Arnold.
- But don't worry, Congressman...
I'm sure you can buy
all the votes you need
with your dirty money.
And this will be one nation
under the dollar...
with liberty
and justice for none.
Senator, there's a problem
at the essay contest.
- Please, son, I'm very busy.
- A little girl...
- is losing faith in democracy.
- Good Lord!
Congressman, we want to drill for
oil in Teddy Roosevelt's head.
Well-- Teddy who?
- Congressman...
you're under arrest.
- You work fast.
- I work for Uncle Sam.
We will now vote
on the House bill 1 022--
the expulsion of Bob Arnold.
Mr. Speaker, I'm all for the bill,
but shouldn't we tack on...
- a pay raise for ourselves?
- No.!
Okay, this should make
my bosses very happy.
- Your bosses?
- Yep. All 250 million of them.
When my family arrived
in this country four months ago...
we spoke no English
and had no money in our pockets.
Today, we own a nationwide chain
of wheel-balancing centers.
Where else but in America--
or possibly Canada--
could our family find
such opportunity?
That's why whenever I see
the stars and stripes...
I'll always be reminded
of that wonderful word ''flag.''
There will be a brief recess
while the judges tabulate their votes.
Lisa, what's
gotten into you?
Yeah, your other speech
was a little more crowd pleasing.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I couldn't think of a nice way
to say America stinks.
Extra! Extra!
Feds nab rotten rep.
Give me one of those.
''Imprisoned congressman
becomes born-again Christian. ''
I can't believe it.
The system works.
- He already sang this song.
- No, that was about the budget gap.
- This is the trading gap.
And now
the moment of truth.
Will the winning essay be
'' Bubble on, O melting pot''?
''Lift high your lamp,
Green Lady''?
''USA, A-OK''?
Or ''Cesspool on the Potomac''?
Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool!
Cesspool! Cesspool!
And now the winner is...
'' USA, A-OK,''
by Trong Van Dinh.
D'oh!
Miss Crowley, thank you
for this oversized novelty check.
I would like share this honor
with all of my fellow essayists...
particularly
the courageous Lisa Simpson...
whose inflammatory
rhetoric reminded us...
that the price of freedom
is eternal vigilance.
- Give her the check!
I was serious.
- Ow.!
- Bart!
Lis, you taught me to stand up
for what I believe in.
Shh!
D'oh!
Stupid junk mail.
Yeah. Win this.
I'll see that he gets it.
How dumb do they think I am?
Huh? A check?
One million dollars.
I'm rich!
Mr. Simpson, I can assure you,
this check of yours is nonnegotiable.
Oh, yeah?
Well, what makes you so damn sure?
See where it says ''Void, void, void''
and ''This is not a check''?
''Cash value
1 /20th of a cent.''
- '' Mr. Banker, do not honor.''
- Shut up.
I had a feeling it was
too good to be true.
Every time you get a million dollars,
something queers the deal.
I don't think real checks
have exclamation points.
Well, at least we got
a free sample of Reading Digest.
Marge, I never read
a magazine in my life,
and I'm not gonna start now.
Hey, a cartoon!
Ain't it the truth?
No, it's not the truth, Homer.
It's well-documented that women
are safer drivers than men.
Oh, Marge, cartoons
don't have any deep meaning.
They're just stupid drawings
that give you a cheap laugh.
Hey, Einstein,
put down your reading.
- It's lunchtime.
- You go ahead.
Hey, you don't wanna eat?
What you do, get one of them
stomach staples?
As Tolstoy said
in Quotable Notables...
''Give me learning, sir,
and you may keep your black bread.''
- Who is that bookworm, Smithers?
- Homer Simpson, sir.
Simpson, eh?
How very strange.
His job description
clearly specifies an illiterate.
We now return to Troy McClure
and Delores Montenegro
in Preacher With a Shovel.
But Irrigation can save
your people, Chief Smiling Bear.
Marge, look at them
staring at that idiot box.
God forbid they would
ever read something
and improve their minds.
You've certainly taken
a shine to that magazine.
It's not just
one magazine, Marge.
They take hundreds of magazines,
filter out the crap...
and leave you with something
that fits right in your front pocket.
God! Those kids don't know
what they're missing.
- Dad!
- Hey, what gives, man?
We're all going to sit down
as a family...
and listen to an inspiring story
of wilderness survival.
''Then I heard the sound...
''that all
arctic explorers dread--
the pitiless bark
of the sea lion.''
He'll be killed!
Homer, he obviously got out alive
if he wrote the article.
Don't be so--
Oh, you're right.
Homey, put down your magazine
for a minute.
- Huh?
- I thought you might wanna snuggle.
That reminds me.
''Seven ways to spice up
your marriage.''
Marge, ''You have a nice body...
and if you'd like to
see me in a costume,
you have only to ask.''
Thank you, Homey.
- Wow! Little meat loaf men!
Where did you get
the idea for this, Mom?
Where do you think?
This baby never steers
you wrong, and it was free!
- Free.
- It certainly has enriched our lives.
Wow. ''Win a trip
to Washington, D.C.
All expenses paid.
V.I.P. tour.''
- Oh, it's for kids.
- Wait, Dad!
An essay contest.
''Children under 1 2.
Three-hundred words,
fiercely pro-American.''
Sounds interesting.
Bart, maybe this is something
you'd like to do too.
Mom, it's a nice thought,
but we both know that
this is the pony to bet on.
What would Ben Franklin say
if he were alive today?
He'd say, uh...
''Think of a better opening.''
- How's it going, honey?
- Not very well.
Well, when I used to
get stuck like this,
I'd go for a bike ride.
- Do kids go
on bike rides anymore?
- Yes!
I don't know.
I thought maybe bikes
weren't cool anymore.
- Do kids still use that word ''cool''?
- Yes, Mom!
Okay, America, inspire me.
Wow, a bald eagle.
Hmm.
Thanks for driving me
to the contest, Dad.
Sweetheart, there's nothing
I wouldn't do for that magazine.
''So burn the flag if you must,
but before you do...
''you better burn
a few other things.
''You better burn your shirt
and your pants.
'' Be sure to burn
your TV and car.
''Oh, yes, and don't forget
to burn your house...
''because none of those things
could exist without six white stripes...
seven red stripes
and a hell of a lot of stars.''
- Thank you very much.
Yeah! Damn right!
'' Recipe for a free country:
Mix one cup liberty with
three teaspoons of justice.
Add one informed electorate.
Baste well with veto power.''
'' My back is spineless.
My belly is yellow.
I am the American nonvoter.''
''Stir in two cups of checks.
Sprinkle liberally with balances.''
'' Ding, dong. The sounds
of the Liberty Bell.
Ding-- freedom.
Dong-- opportunity.
Ding-- excellent schools.
Dong-- quality hospitals.''
''When America was born
on that hotJuly day in 1 77 6...
''the trees in Springfield Forest
were tiny saplings,
trembling towards the sun.
''And as they were nourished
by Mother Earth...
''so too did our fledgling nation
find strength...
''in the simple ideals
of equality and justice.
''Who would have thought
such mighty oaks
or such a powerful nation...
could grow out of something
so fragile, so pure?''
- Thank you.
- What do you think?
- It's good.
A little too good
for an eight-year-old.
Me thinks I detect
the sickly scent of the daddy.
Mr. Simpson, I'd like to
ask you a few questions
about your daughter's essay.
- Lisa, will you excuse us?
- Okay.
''We the purple''?
What the hell was that?
- Are you a professional writer?
- Mm-mmm.
Are you interested in
politics or government?
I don't know.
- Are you interested in anything?
- I don't know.
- Could you touch your nose for me? Hmm.
- Mm. Hmm.
Lisa, after meeting
your father...
I've decided to award you
an additional five points.
Congratulations.
You and your family
are going to Washington.
Wa-hoo!
Who would have guessed...
reading and writing
would pay off?
- Yes, sir, can I get you something?
- Playing cards, notepad...
aspirin, sewing kit,
pilot's wing pin...
propeller-shaped swizzle stick,
sleeping mask...
- and anything else
I've got coming to me.
- I'll see what I can do.
- Hmm.
- Steward!
Little boy, I bet you'd like to
visit the cockpit.
Ooh-ooh, baby!
And this control stick is like
the handlebars on your tricycle.
Now, would you
like to see where
we hang our coats?
No, thank you.
I'd rather push
this button. Oops!
- No!
- We're all gonna die!
Look, Marge, that guy has
the same last name we do. Taxi.!
Oh, look, Homer,
the I.R.S.
- Boo!
- Oh, boo yourself.
[ Marge ]
Here we are, kids.
The Watergate.
- Hey!
Homer, look.!
They give you a shower cap...
and body gel
and bathrobes.
And a welcoming mint
on your pillow.
Wow, a shoehorn.
Just like in the movies.
Shoe goes on, shoe goes off,
shoe goes on, shoe goes off.
Shoe goes on,
shoe goes off.
Hey, I call first bedsies.
Bart, there's no such thing
as first bedsies.
You just made that up.
Well, okay,
which one do you want?
I... want... that one.
Really?
You want that one?
It's all yours.
Whatever you say.
- Why? What's wrong with it?
- Nothing.
- Have a good night's sleep, Lisa.
- No, really, what?
- Nothing.
- What did you do to it?
- Nothing.
- Mom!
What the-- D'oh!
Stupid welcoming mint!
- Hello?
- Good morning.
This is your wake-up call.
Wake-up call?
It's 2:00 a.m.
Sorry, fatso.
Free food?
Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley--
patriotism editor of Reading Digest.
Oh, I love your magazine.
My favorite section is
'' How to Increase Your Word Power.''
That thing is really,
really, really... good.
Well, good.
Lisa, I'd like you to meet
some other finalists.
- This is Trong Van Dinh
and Maria Dominguez.
- Hello.
Maria is the National
Spelling Bee Champion.
And Trong has won both
the Westinghouse Talent Search...
and the NFL Punt,
Pass and Kick Competition.
Have either of you ever run
into any problems because
of your superior ability?
- Hmm?
- Sure, I guess.
- Oh, me too!
These are special
V.I.P. badges.
They'll get you into places
other tourists never see.
- Miss, what does the ''I'' stand for?
- Important.
- Oh! How about the ''V''?
- Very.
- Oh! And, miss,
just one more question.
- Person.
Ah!
- What does the ''I'' stand for again?
- Oh!
- ''On this spot, Richard Nixon
bowled back-to-back 300 games.''
- Yeah, right.
Wow, the president's bathroom.
- Do you mind?
- Barbara Bush!
Oh, you have
those damn badges.
Okay. This tub
was installed in 1 894.
Mmm. Money.
Hey, watch it, chief.
Folks, we print more than
1 8 million bills a day.
Oh, and in case
you were wondering...
no, we don't give out
free samples.
Lousy, cheap country.
Bart, get out
of The Spirit of St. Louis.!
- Hey, what's so funny.
- Oh, Marge, grow up!
Congressman, this is, uh,
Springfield National Forest.
- Now, basically, what we
wanna do is cut her down.
- Uh-huh.
As you can see
in our artist's rendition,
it's full of old growth...
just aging
and festering away.
In comes our logging company
to thin out the clutter.
It's all part of nature's,
you know, cycle.
Well,Jerry, you're a whale
of a lobbyist, and, uh...
I'd like to give you a logging permit,
I would, but, uh...
this isn't like
burying toxic waste.
People are gonna notice
those trees are gone.
Eh, Congressman, this is where
it gets awkward.
I-- I never quite know
how to put this.
- I just want to--
- Offer me a bribe?
- Oh, what is it?
It's that little girl from Springfield
who wrote the essay.
- Could be a good photo-op.
- Sure, fine.
- So, uh, where do we--
- Duh, duh, duh, Not here.
I've got a little place that
I use for these, uh, matters.
Call me tonight.
- Well, hi there.
You must be Lisa Simpson.
- Hello, sir.
Lisa, you're a doer,
and who knows, maybe someday...
you'll be a congressman
or a senator.
We have quite a few
women senators, you know.
- Only two. I checked.
You're a sharp one.
Well, how about a few pictures?
Tot shot always plays
in the sticks.
Oh, isn't that nice?
Now there is
a politician who cares.
If I ever vote,
it'll be for him.
Mom?
Lisa, the contest
isn't for three hours.
I'm too excited to sleep.
Anyone up for the
Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial?
- Who's that?
- An early crusader for women's rights.
She led the Floor Mop
Rebellion of 1 91 0.
Later, she appeared on
the highly unpopular
7 5-cent piece.
- Okay, but you don't know
what you're missing.
Oh!
''I will iron your sheets
when you iron out...
the inequities
in your labor laws.''
- Amen, sister.
I told you
no one ever came here.
So, Bob, where do we stand
on Springfield Forest?
Do I get my logging permit?
Well, let me put it
this way,Jerry. Timber!
- What a pooch.
- Woof woof!.
How can I read my essay now?
I don't believe my own words.
Honest Abe--
he'll show me the way.
- Mr. Lincoln--
- Mr. Lincoln,
I need your advice.
What can I do to make this
a better country?
Is this a good time
to buy a house?
- I can't get my boy to brush.
- Would I look good
with a mustache?
I tried using turpentine,
but that just made it worse.
Mr. Lincoln?
Mr. Lincoln?
My name is Lisa Simpson,
and I have a problem!
Mr.Jefferson,
my name is Lisa Simpson...
- and I have a problem.
- I know your problem.
The Lincoln Memorial
was too crowded.
- Sorry, sir. It's just--
- No one ever comes to see me.
I don't blame them.
I never did anything important--
just the Declaration
of Independence...
the Louisiana Purchase,
the dumbwaiter--
Maybe I should be going.
I caught you at a bad time.
Wait! Please don't go.
I get so lonely.
The truth must be told.
Oh.! Oh.! Oh.! Oh.!
Rudy, my man,
you're a miracle worker.
Your laundry, sir.
There you go.
Buy yourself something nice.
- Thank you.
- Bart, are you ready to
go to--
- I'll room service you.!
- Before you kill me...
remember, this trip
is all expenses paid.
- Thank you.
- Oh, this guy is awful.
I know, honey,
but just sit still.
- Welcome, everyone,
to the awards luncheon.
I'd like to introduce
our distinguished judges...
who will select
our scholarship winner.
Former Redskins great
Alonzo Flowers...
perennial third-party candidate
Wilson DeFarge...
Senate page Brad Fletcher...
skin care consultant Rowena...
and wealthy gadabout
Chilton Gaines.
Our first essayist
will be Lisa Simpson.
Lisa? Lisa?
- Oh, there she is.
Lisa Simpson
will now read her essay--
I would like to read
a different essay, if I may?
Um-- Okay.
The city of Washington was built
on a stagnant swamp...
some 200 years ago
and very little has changed.
It stank then
and it stinks now.
Only today, it is
the fetid stench of corruption
that hangs in the air.
- Cool! A ruckus.
And who did I see
taking a bribe...
but the honorable
Bob Arnold.
- But don't worry, Congressman...
I'm sure you can buy
all the votes you need
with your dirty money.
And this will be one nation
under the dollar...
with liberty
and justice for none.
Senator, there's a problem
at the essay contest.
- Please, son, I'm very busy.
- A little girl...
- is losing faith in democracy.
- Good Lord!
Congressman, we want to drill for
oil in Teddy Roosevelt's head.
Well-- Teddy who?
- Congressman...
you're under arrest.
- You work fast.
- I work for Uncle Sam.
We will now vote
on the House bill 1 022--
the expulsion of Bob Arnold.
Mr. Speaker, I'm all for the bill,
but shouldn't we tack on...
- a pay raise for ourselves?
- No.!
Okay, this should make
my bosses very happy.
- Your bosses?
- Yep. All 250 million of them.
When my family arrived
in this country four months ago...
we spoke no English
and had no money in our pockets.
Today, we own a nationwide chain
of wheel-balancing centers.
Where else but in America--
or possibly Canada--
could our family find
such opportunity?
That's why whenever I see
the stars and stripes...
I'll always be reminded
of that wonderful word ''flag.''
There will be a brief recess
while the judges tabulate their votes.
Lisa, what's
gotten into you?
Yeah, your other speech
was a little more crowd pleasing.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I couldn't think of a nice way
to say America stinks.
Extra! Extra!
Feds nab rotten rep.
Give me one of those.
''Imprisoned congressman
becomes born-again Christian. ''
I can't believe it.
The system works.
- He already sang this song.
- No, that was about the budget gap.
- This is the trading gap.
And now
the moment of truth.
Will the winning essay be
'' Bubble on, O melting pot''?
''Lift high your lamp,
Green Lady''?
''USA, A-OK''?
Or ''Cesspool on the Potomac''?
Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool!
Cesspool! Cesspool!
And now the winner is...
'' USA, A-OK,''
by Trong Van Dinh.
D'oh!
Miss Crowley, thank you
for this oversized novelty check.
I would like share this honor
with all of my fellow essayists...
particularly
the courageous Lisa Simpson...
whose inflammatory
rhetoric reminded us...
that the price of freedom
is eternal vigilance.
- Give her the check!
I was serious.
- Ow.!
- Bart!
Lis, you taught me to stand up
for what I believe in.
Shh!