The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 3, Episode 18 - Separate Vocations - full transcript
The results of a standardized test steer Bart in the direction of law and order at Springfield Elementary School. However, Lisa becomes so depressed by her results that she turns to juvenile delinquency.
##Ahh, the Simpsons ##
D'oh!
Now, class...
I promised you...
a surprise today.
Wow!
I knew it.
And here it is.
We're going to take a test.
Oh!
We're going to take a test.
All right! A test!
It's called the Career Aptitude
Normalizing Test--
Or ''CAN'T.''
Some of you may discover...
a wonderful vocation
you never imagined.
Others may find out
life isn't fair.
In spite of your masters
from Bryn Mawr...
you might end up a baby-sitter
to dead-eyed fourth graders...
while your husband
runs naked on a beach...
with your marriage counselor!
First question--
''If I could be any animal,
I would be:
A) a carpenter ant...
B) a nurse shark...
or, C) a lawyer bird.''
Question 60--
''I prefer the smell of:
A) gasoline...
B) french fries...
or, C) bank customers.''
Well, that was
a waste of time.
Janie, school is never
a waste of time.
Since we have 1 5 minutes
until recess...
please put down your pencils...
and stare
at the front of the room.
Here for the tests.
Come on, Emma.
Here's your
scientifically selected career.
Architect!
Mm-hmm.
Insurance salesman.
Mm-hmm.
Salmon gutter?!
Military strongman!
Systems analyst,systems analyst,
systems analyst.
Systems analyst.
All right!
Homemaker?
Mm-hmm. It's like a mommy.
Police officer?!
Well, I'll be jiggered.
If you'd like
to learn more...
I could arrange...
a ride-along
in a police car.
I don't need you to get me
in a police car.
You should consider this.
Before I saw these test results,
I had you pegged a drifter.
Wow. A drifter.
Lousy sheriff.
Run me out of town.
He's lost my vote.
Cool.
A homemaker.!
I might as well be dead.
It's not that bad.
What will you be, boy?
Policeman.
Oh, that's nice.
Your father
wanted to be a policeman...
but they said
he was too heavy.
The army said
I was too heavy.
The police said
I was too dumb.
I'm going to be
a famous jazz musician.
I'll be unappreciated
in my own country...
but my gutsy blues stylings
will electrify the French.
I'll avoid drug abuse...
but have several
torrid love affairs...
and I may or may not die young.
I haven't decided.
Honey, if that's what you want,
we'll help.
Wait a minute.
Isn't anybody gonna
follow in my footsteps?
Tell me
if I have what it takes...
to be a blues musician.
Show me your chops.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Cool.
So, you think
she has talent?
Sure.
Do you think
she could be a professional?
Oh, Lord, no.
But I'll practice every day.
I'll be frank
with you.
When I say frank,
I mean devastating.
You've inherited
a finger condition...
known as stubbiness.
It usually comes...
from the father's side.
D'oh!
Stupid fingers.
You're wrong! You're wrong!
You don't need long fingers
to play the blues.
The blues come from in here.
My God, they are stubby.
I didn't steal
that copper wire.
I just thought
they were throwing it out.
Here. Take it.
No. We're here
for your son.
He's coming
on a ride-along.
Maybe this
will straighten the boy out.
Wow! Can I see your club?
It's called a baton,
son.
What's it for?
We club people...
with it.
Well! It's about time.
So you guys...
like being cops?
Oh, it's great.
You run red lights,
park wherever you please...
hot-and-cold-running chicks.
And when
you go home at night...
you know
you've made a difference.
See that Caddie?
Uh-huh.
That's Mayor Quimby's car.
Tonight his honor is...
polling the electorate.
How would you like
a street named after you?
I tell you.
They only come out at night.
Dear log...
this will be my last entry...
for you were a journal
of my hopes and dreams...
and now, I have none.
Do you need straight A's
to be a cop?
Hey, fellas,
let's go shoot some bad guys.
It doesn't quite
work that way, son.
People see movies like McBain,
and they think it's all...
bang-bang, shoot-'em-up
cops and robbers.
Let's roll.
One-Ocean-Tango.
We're in pursuit
of a speeding individual...
driving a red... car,
license number...
Eggplant-Xerxes-
Crybaby-Overbite-Narwhal.
Oh, no.
Cops.
Whoo. They used
nylon rope this time.
It feels so smooth
my skin--
almost sensuous.
Ooh, baby.
Damn boxes.
He's trapped.
Where's our backup?
I don't know.
Son, this is against
every regulation...
but would you cover us?
Wow!
Huh?
See you in hell, punk.
See you in hell, punk!
Man, that was close.
Good thing this alley
got so narrow in the middle.
Well, that's nice work, boys.
Looks like
you just bought yourself...
a lottery ticket--
to jail.
He's unconscious, sir.
Oh, they can
still hear things.
Sir, I know...
what I want to be
when I grow up-- a cop.
Until then, son...
I'm making you
an honorary police officer.
Eddie, give him...
your badge.
Hey!
Morning, honey.
What's so good...
about being stuck
in the house...
behind a stove?
Lisa, I know
you're down on homemaking...
but it can really
let you be creative.
See? This morning
I turned bacon, eggs, and toast...
into a smiley face
for Bart and Homer.
What's the point?
They'll never notice.
Oh, well,
you'd surprised.
Hmm, umm, hmm...
Now just relax your hand.
Thank you, ma'am.
You've been most cooperative.
Bad dog!
Very bad dog!
Mom, before
you blame the dog...
take a look at these
surveillance photos.
Oh.
Oh!
Oh, Bart!
I don't know how
that got in there.
Lisa, why aren't you
at band practice?
I quit.
Right now
you're discouraged...
but you know
you love the saxophone.
I think you should stay
in the band.
If you think it's so great,
why don't you join the band?
Lisa!
People like to tell you...
what you can't do...
but they don't always know
what they're talking about.
You know what
I want to be?
The girl
on the oatmeal box?
No. I'm going to be
an astronaut.
Women can't be astronauts.
Why not?
They distract the men...
so they wouldn't keep
their minds on the road.
There will be
women astronauts.
It's true...
and we'll all live...
in cities on the moon.
So, you see,
my sisters were wrong--
except about
the cities on the moon.
I was wrong about that, so--
Well, you can see
how anyone can be wrong.
Sleek, vigilant puma--
principal of the mountains.
Hi, Lis.
Want to quiz me
on the vowels?
I'm ready to chuck
the whole alphabet.
Huh?
Lisa, what
are you doing?
That's a bad-girl bathroom!
Duh!
You want to egg...
Skinner's car?
Okay.
What are you
looking at?
Nothing.
Then get out.
We're figuring out
stuff to egg.
Okay, but if you really
want to honk Skinner off...
I suggest you attack
the one thing...
he truly believes in.
I saw some awful things in 'Nam...
but you really have to wonder
at the mentality...
that would desecrate
a helpless puma.
I never thought I'd say this...
but the no-goodniks
rule this school.
Get your hands off me.!
God, I could really use
a half day.
Think you're big men
with your handcuffs...
and blasted Tasers!
Get him out of here.
I'll get you, Bart Simpson,
if it's the last thing I do!
What is this all about?
It's quite simple,
really.
I observed our friend,
Groundskeeper Willie, burning leaves--
a blatant disregard
for our clean air laws.
Bart Simpson on the side
of law and order?!
Has the world gone topsy-turvy?
That's right, man.
I got my first taste
of authority...
and I liked it.
Hmm.
There are a lot
of troublemakers...
in this school...
and I can't be everywhere
at once.
Go on.
Look, let's can
the euphemisms.
How would you like
to be a hall monitor?
Wouldn't that mean
squealing on other kids?
That's the meat of it.
Hmm.
Now, Witness X...
would you please tell the court
what you saw?
I'd be more
than happy to.
I saw Mr. Montone there...
seal Mr. Palaccio
in an oil drum...
and roll him
off the pier.
I kill you!
Ay, caramba.!
I don't know.
Oh, now,
you get to wear a sash.
You got yourself a narc.
Hey,Jimbo,
keeping your nose clean, dude?
Hey, Donna,
who loves you, baby?
Not in my hall, bub.
I think you've had enough,
sister.
Come on,
let's keep it moving.
Pink belly! Pink belly!
Pink belly!
Break it up, boys.
That belly ain't going
to get any pinker.
Wedgie!
Thanks, Bart.
Bart's grades
are up a little this term...
but Lisa's are way down.
Oh, we always have one good kid
and one lousy kid.
Why can't both our kids
be good?
We have three kids,
Homer.
Marge, the dog doesn't count
as a kid.
No. Maggie.
Oh, yeah.
Now take some paste
and spread it...
on the construction paper.
Ralph, are you eating
your paste?
No, Miss Hoover.
Good. Now sprinkle your sparkles
on your paste.
Lisa, you're not sprinkling
your sparkles.
Shove it.
I have never seen...
a good student
take such a slide.
Lisa, what are you...
rebelling against?
What do you got?
...and she goes...
''Lisa told Hoover
to shove it.''
And I'm, like,
''No way--''
Hey, Lisa, man.
I'm, like, so impressed.
When I was in second grade,
I was all ''I'm so good.''
Want a smoke?
Uh... I'll smoke it in class.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Bart, you're doing
a bang-up job.
There were some corridors
in this school...
you'd never go down.
Now I feel safe anywhere.
Every day
is a new fight, sir.
Bart, the school
is a police state.
Students are afraid
to sneeze.
I have you to thank.
Come with me.
Madre de Dios.!
The legends were true!
Whenever a teacher
confiscates something...
it ends up here.
Salacious halter tops...
complete collections
of Mad, Cracked...
and the occasional issue
of Crazy...
and this plastic derriere.
Now, to show my gratitude,
I want you...
to help yourself
to an item of your choice.
All right!
You be careful
with that crossbow.
I will.
This is an absence slip...
signed by Nelson's mother...
and this
is Nelson's English homework.
Notice the identical
elongated loops on the D's.
Forgery!
So he didn't have leprosy.
I thought
I could never teach again.
Things have changed.
There will be no mockery
of your name, Mr. Glasscock.
Hey, Louis, watch this.
Ow! Bart, do something!
Let's go, Milhouse.
Sure, we have order. But at what price?
Now let's correct
our homework exercises.
Lisa, what 1 9th-century figure
was nicknamed ''Old Hickory''?
I don't know. You?
Lisa, if you'd bothered
to do the assignment...
you'd know the answer is...
the Battle of New Orleans.
I mean... Andrew Jackson.
Well, you're earning
your 1 8 grand a year.
Stupid Hoover.
Thinks she's so smart.
She wouldn't be so smart
without her teacher's edition.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen...
the unthinkable has happened.
Some sick, twisted individual
has stolen...
every teacher's edition
in this school.
What do we do?
Does anyone know...
the multiplication table?
Please, don't panic.
They can smell fear.
Children,
for rest of day...
Martin
will be teaching...
this class.
But I wouldn't know
where to begin.
Do it, brainiac.
Have I ever told you kids
about the '60s?
I've got to get out of here.
Calm blue ocean,
calm blue ocean.
Calm blue ocean,
calm blue ocean.
I'm leaving again.
Mr. Glasscock,
please reconsider.
Uh-uh.
Bart, the police
haven't had any luck...
finding
the teacher's editions.
The dogs...
have picked up
the scent of books.
Send in
the battering ram.
Here we go.
We'll have to reorder
every book.
Seymour,
I'll bet you...
those books are still here.
We have to search every locker.
Locker searches...
aren't permitted
by the Supreme Court.
Supreme Court.
What have they done
for us lately?
Let's move.
Hmm.
Baa!
Lisa!
That's right.
It was I.
Lis, why did you do it?
Come on, Bart!
In your pre-fascist days...
you knew the thrill
of futile rebellion.
Yeah, but even I
had my limits.
You're looking
at expulsion for this.
I know! I know!
The books!
Oh, answers! Answers!
Simpson, you've just saved
this school $1 20.
Who's behind
this monstrous crime?
I am.
I've been blind.
The signs all pointed
to a rogue hall monitor.
Sorry I betrayed your trust,
Principal ''Sucker.''
In light of your recent service
to the school...
I've decided to be lenient.
400 days detention.
400 days.
I can do that
standing on my head.
All right, 500 days.
Ooh! Big man!
600 days.
Maybe I'll just
shut my big mouth.
Let's go, Simpson.
Bart, why did you
take the blame?
'Cause I didn't want you
to wreck your life.
You got the brains and talent
to go as far as you want...
and when you do...
I'll be right there
to borrow money.
Oh, Bart.
Sounding good, Lis.
Shh!
D'oh!
Now, class...
I promised you...
a surprise today.
Wow!
I knew it.
And here it is.
We're going to take a test.
Oh!
We're going to take a test.
All right! A test!
It's called the Career Aptitude
Normalizing Test--
Or ''CAN'T.''
Some of you may discover...
a wonderful vocation
you never imagined.
Others may find out
life isn't fair.
In spite of your masters
from Bryn Mawr...
you might end up a baby-sitter
to dead-eyed fourth graders...
while your husband
runs naked on a beach...
with your marriage counselor!
First question--
''If I could be any animal,
I would be:
A) a carpenter ant...
B) a nurse shark...
or, C) a lawyer bird.''
Question 60--
''I prefer the smell of:
A) gasoline...
B) french fries...
or, C) bank customers.''
Well, that was
a waste of time.
Janie, school is never
a waste of time.
Since we have 1 5 minutes
until recess...
please put down your pencils...
and stare
at the front of the room.
Here for the tests.
Come on, Emma.
Here's your
scientifically selected career.
Architect!
Mm-hmm.
Insurance salesman.
Mm-hmm.
Salmon gutter?!
Military strongman!
Systems analyst,systems analyst,
systems analyst.
Systems analyst.
All right!
Homemaker?
Mm-hmm. It's like a mommy.
Police officer?!
Well, I'll be jiggered.
If you'd like
to learn more...
I could arrange...
a ride-along
in a police car.
I don't need you to get me
in a police car.
You should consider this.
Before I saw these test results,
I had you pegged a drifter.
Wow. A drifter.
Lousy sheriff.
Run me out of town.
He's lost my vote.
Cool.
A homemaker.!
I might as well be dead.
It's not that bad.
What will you be, boy?
Policeman.
Oh, that's nice.
Your father
wanted to be a policeman...
but they said
he was too heavy.
The army said
I was too heavy.
The police said
I was too dumb.
I'm going to be
a famous jazz musician.
I'll be unappreciated
in my own country...
but my gutsy blues stylings
will electrify the French.
I'll avoid drug abuse...
but have several
torrid love affairs...
and I may or may not die young.
I haven't decided.
Honey, if that's what you want,
we'll help.
Wait a minute.
Isn't anybody gonna
follow in my footsteps?
Tell me
if I have what it takes...
to be a blues musician.
Show me your chops.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Cool.
So, you think
she has talent?
Sure.
Do you think
she could be a professional?
Oh, Lord, no.
But I'll practice every day.
I'll be frank
with you.
When I say frank,
I mean devastating.
You've inherited
a finger condition...
known as stubbiness.
It usually comes...
from the father's side.
D'oh!
Stupid fingers.
You're wrong! You're wrong!
You don't need long fingers
to play the blues.
The blues come from in here.
My God, they are stubby.
I didn't steal
that copper wire.
I just thought
they were throwing it out.
Here. Take it.
No. We're here
for your son.
He's coming
on a ride-along.
Maybe this
will straighten the boy out.
Wow! Can I see your club?
It's called a baton,
son.
What's it for?
We club people...
with it.
Well! It's about time.
So you guys...
like being cops?
Oh, it's great.
You run red lights,
park wherever you please...
hot-and-cold-running chicks.
And when
you go home at night...
you know
you've made a difference.
See that Caddie?
Uh-huh.
That's Mayor Quimby's car.
Tonight his honor is...
polling the electorate.
How would you like
a street named after you?
I tell you.
They only come out at night.
Dear log...
this will be my last entry...
for you were a journal
of my hopes and dreams...
and now, I have none.
Do you need straight A's
to be a cop?
Hey, fellas,
let's go shoot some bad guys.
It doesn't quite
work that way, son.
People see movies like McBain,
and they think it's all...
bang-bang, shoot-'em-up
cops and robbers.
Let's roll.
One-Ocean-Tango.
We're in pursuit
of a speeding individual...
driving a red... car,
license number...
Eggplant-Xerxes-
Crybaby-Overbite-Narwhal.
Oh, no.
Cops.
Whoo. They used
nylon rope this time.
It feels so smooth
my skin--
almost sensuous.
Ooh, baby.
Damn boxes.
He's trapped.
Where's our backup?
I don't know.
Son, this is against
every regulation...
but would you cover us?
Wow!
Huh?
See you in hell, punk.
See you in hell, punk!
Man, that was close.
Good thing this alley
got so narrow in the middle.
Well, that's nice work, boys.
Looks like
you just bought yourself...
a lottery ticket--
to jail.
He's unconscious, sir.
Oh, they can
still hear things.
Sir, I know...
what I want to be
when I grow up-- a cop.
Until then, son...
I'm making you
an honorary police officer.
Eddie, give him...
your badge.
Hey!
Morning, honey.
What's so good...
about being stuck
in the house...
behind a stove?
Lisa, I know
you're down on homemaking...
but it can really
let you be creative.
See? This morning
I turned bacon, eggs, and toast...
into a smiley face
for Bart and Homer.
What's the point?
They'll never notice.
Oh, well,
you'd surprised.
Hmm, umm, hmm...
Now just relax your hand.
Thank you, ma'am.
You've been most cooperative.
Bad dog!
Very bad dog!
Mom, before
you blame the dog...
take a look at these
surveillance photos.
Oh.
Oh!
Oh, Bart!
I don't know how
that got in there.
Lisa, why aren't you
at band practice?
I quit.
Right now
you're discouraged...
but you know
you love the saxophone.
I think you should stay
in the band.
If you think it's so great,
why don't you join the band?
Lisa!
People like to tell you...
what you can't do...
but they don't always know
what they're talking about.
You know what
I want to be?
The girl
on the oatmeal box?
No. I'm going to be
an astronaut.
Women can't be astronauts.
Why not?
They distract the men...
so they wouldn't keep
their minds on the road.
There will be
women astronauts.
It's true...
and we'll all live...
in cities on the moon.
So, you see,
my sisters were wrong--
except about
the cities on the moon.
I was wrong about that, so--
Well, you can see
how anyone can be wrong.
Sleek, vigilant puma--
principal of the mountains.
Hi, Lis.
Want to quiz me
on the vowels?
I'm ready to chuck
the whole alphabet.
Huh?
Lisa, what
are you doing?
That's a bad-girl bathroom!
Duh!
You want to egg...
Skinner's car?
Okay.
What are you
looking at?
Nothing.
Then get out.
We're figuring out
stuff to egg.
Okay, but if you really
want to honk Skinner off...
I suggest you attack
the one thing...
he truly believes in.
I saw some awful things in 'Nam...
but you really have to wonder
at the mentality...
that would desecrate
a helpless puma.
I never thought I'd say this...
but the no-goodniks
rule this school.
Get your hands off me.!
God, I could really use
a half day.
Think you're big men
with your handcuffs...
and blasted Tasers!
Get him out of here.
I'll get you, Bart Simpson,
if it's the last thing I do!
What is this all about?
It's quite simple,
really.
I observed our friend,
Groundskeeper Willie, burning leaves--
a blatant disregard
for our clean air laws.
Bart Simpson on the side
of law and order?!
Has the world gone topsy-turvy?
That's right, man.
I got my first taste
of authority...
and I liked it.
Hmm.
There are a lot
of troublemakers...
in this school...
and I can't be everywhere
at once.
Go on.
Look, let's can
the euphemisms.
How would you like
to be a hall monitor?
Wouldn't that mean
squealing on other kids?
That's the meat of it.
Hmm.
Now, Witness X...
would you please tell the court
what you saw?
I'd be more
than happy to.
I saw Mr. Montone there...
seal Mr. Palaccio
in an oil drum...
and roll him
off the pier.
I kill you!
Ay, caramba.!
I don't know.
Oh, now,
you get to wear a sash.
You got yourself a narc.
Hey,Jimbo,
keeping your nose clean, dude?
Hey, Donna,
who loves you, baby?
Not in my hall, bub.
I think you've had enough,
sister.
Come on,
let's keep it moving.
Pink belly! Pink belly!
Pink belly!
Break it up, boys.
That belly ain't going
to get any pinker.
Wedgie!
Thanks, Bart.
Bart's grades
are up a little this term...
but Lisa's are way down.
Oh, we always have one good kid
and one lousy kid.
Why can't both our kids
be good?
We have three kids,
Homer.
Marge, the dog doesn't count
as a kid.
No. Maggie.
Oh, yeah.
Now take some paste
and spread it...
on the construction paper.
Ralph, are you eating
your paste?
No, Miss Hoover.
Good. Now sprinkle your sparkles
on your paste.
Lisa, you're not sprinkling
your sparkles.
Shove it.
I have never seen...
a good student
take such a slide.
Lisa, what are you...
rebelling against?
What do you got?
...and she goes...
''Lisa told Hoover
to shove it.''
And I'm, like,
''No way--''
Hey, Lisa, man.
I'm, like, so impressed.
When I was in second grade,
I was all ''I'm so good.''
Want a smoke?
Uh... I'll smoke it in class.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Bart, you're doing
a bang-up job.
There were some corridors
in this school...
you'd never go down.
Now I feel safe anywhere.
Every day
is a new fight, sir.
Bart, the school
is a police state.
Students are afraid
to sneeze.
I have you to thank.
Come with me.
Madre de Dios.!
The legends were true!
Whenever a teacher
confiscates something...
it ends up here.
Salacious halter tops...
complete collections
of Mad, Cracked...
and the occasional issue
of Crazy...
and this plastic derriere.
Now, to show my gratitude,
I want you...
to help yourself
to an item of your choice.
All right!
You be careful
with that crossbow.
I will.
This is an absence slip...
signed by Nelson's mother...
and this
is Nelson's English homework.
Notice the identical
elongated loops on the D's.
Forgery!
So he didn't have leprosy.
I thought
I could never teach again.
Things have changed.
There will be no mockery
of your name, Mr. Glasscock.
Hey, Louis, watch this.
Ow! Bart, do something!
Let's go, Milhouse.
Sure, we have order. But at what price?
Now let's correct
our homework exercises.
Lisa, what 1 9th-century figure
was nicknamed ''Old Hickory''?
I don't know. You?
Lisa, if you'd bothered
to do the assignment...
you'd know the answer is...
the Battle of New Orleans.
I mean... Andrew Jackson.
Well, you're earning
your 1 8 grand a year.
Stupid Hoover.
Thinks she's so smart.
She wouldn't be so smart
without her teacher's edition.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen...
the unthinkable has happened.
Some sick, twisted individual
has stolen...
every teacher's edition
in this school.
What do we do?
Does anyone know...
the multiplication table?
Please, don't panic.
They can smell fear.
Children,
for rest of day...
Martin
will be teaching...
this class.
But I wouldn't know
where to begin.
Do it, brainiac.
Have I ever told you kids
about the '60s?
I've got to get out of here.
Calm blue ocean,
calm blue ocean.
Calm blue ocean,
calm blue ocean.
I'm leaving again.
Mr. Glasscock,
please reconsider.
Uh-uh.
Bart, the police
haven't had any luck...
finding
the teacher's editions.
The dogs...
have picked up
the scent of books.
Send in
the battering ram.
Here we go.
We'll have to reorder
every book.
Seymour,
I'll bet you...
those books are still here.
We have to search every locker.
Locker searches...
aren't permitted
by the Supreme Court.
Supreme Court.
What have they done
for us lately?
Let's move.
Hmm.
Baa!
Lisa!
That's right.
It was I.
Lis, why did you do it?
Come on, Bart!
In your pre-fascist days...
you knew the thrill
of futile rebellion.
Yeah, but even I
had my limits.
You're looking
at expulsion for this.
I know! I know!
The books!
Oh, answers! Answers!
Simpson, you've just saved
this school $1 20.
Who's behind
this monstrous crime?
I am.
I've been blind.
The signs all pointed
to a rogue hall monitor.
Sorry I betrayed your trust,
Principal ''Sucker.''
In light of your recent service
to the school...
I've decided to be lenient.
400 days detention.
400 days.
I can do that
standing on my head.
All right, 500 days.
Ooh! Big man!
600 days.
Maybe I'll just
shut my big mouth.
Let's go, Simpson.
Bart, why did you
take the blame?
'Cause I didn't want you
to wreck your life.
You got the brains and talent
to go as far as you want...
and when you do...
I'll be right there
to borrow money.
Oh, Bart.
Sounding good, Lis.
Shh!