The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 3, Episode 17 - Homer at the Bat - full transcript
Homer and his co-workers join the power plant's softball team and qualify for the final. When Mr. Burns hears his plant is playing the final against Shelbyville's power plant team, he makes a $1 million bet with the owner of the Shelbyville nuclear power plant, Aristotle Amadopoulos. To make sure he will win the bet, Mr. Burns hires 9 professional baseball players (Roger Clemens, Wade Boggs, Ken Griffey Jr., Steve Sax, Ozzie Smith, José Canseco, Don Mattingly, Darryl Strawberry, and Mike Scioscia), but 8 of the players are of the team after getting involved in different accidents. Unfortunately for Homer the professional player left is Darryl Strawberry, a right fielder like Homer, but in the end everything is up to Homer.
##Ahh, the Simpsons ##
D'oh!
Mmm, doughnuts.
Hey, Homer, slow down.
You're going to choke
or something.
Don't tell me
how to eat doughnuts.
Hey, Homer's choking again.
Isn't there a first aid
chart around here somewhere?
- Somebody scare him.
- That's for the hiccups.
Hey, look at this.
Softball starts this week.
Softball?
Who's next?
- Count me out.
- Not me.
- No way.
What's the matter with you guys?
Last year we were 2 and 28.
It wasn't our best season.
Actually, it was.
This year it's
gonna be different.
What makes you so damn sure?
I have a secret weapon.
Hey, he's been holding out
on us, huh?
A secret weapon?
I wonder what it could be.
Hmm.
- Count me in.
- I'm there.
Come here, boy.
I want to show you something.
What's that?
A homemade bat?
It's something very special--
a homemade bat.
It all started last year...
during a terrible thunderstorm...
when I locked myself...
out of the house.
Sheltering myself with
a large piece of sheet metal...
I ran for cover under
the tallest tree I could find.
Something told me
this was a very special...
very magical piece of wood
that I could make a bat out of.
I put my homemade football on hold...
and set to work making
the world's greatest bat.
Homie, come to bed.
Homer, go back to the garage.
And here it is.
Wow! How many home runs...
you going to hit with that?
We play 30 games,
1 0 at bats a game-- 3,000.
Hit one here, Charlie!
Let's go over the ground rules.
You can't leave first
until you chug a beer.
Any man scoring
has to chug a beer.
Chug a beer at the top
of all odd-numbered innings.
And the fourth inning
is the beer inning.
Hey, we know
how to play softball.
Play ball!
Attention all units!
Attention all units!
Armored car being robbed
at Fifth and Main.
Turn off that damn radio!
And the next man
wants to hit the ball too.
And there he goes
off in that direction.
And everyone is happy.
Mom, why don't you
let me call the game?
That's all right, dear.
I can do it.
Men, stop that!
Okay, Homer, bases loaded,
and you're up.
Where's that secret weapon?
Check it out, boys.
My magic bat.
That's it?
Yeah, I got a magic bat too.
And I got
an enchanted jockstrap.
Yeah.Just watch.
Whoo-hoo!
All right, Homeboy!
Yeah!
Ha-ha! Cops can't win!
- Get his license and registration.
- Right, Chief.
Wow, Dad.
Homer, can I get you a beer?
No. I want to get him a beer.
Kids, kids,
you can each get me a beer.
But first, let's see it again
in super slow motion.
Why, you--
Huh?
Ooh!
Such a mighty wallop.
I got my magic bat off a piano.
My sister let me use
her wooden leg.
Good news, sir.
The softball team won again.
If we beat Shelbyville,
we capture the pennant.
Did you hear that, Ari?
My boys need only to thump your tub,
and the title is ours.
Ha!
The Gladiators
from my power plant...
will crush your team
like nine flabby grapes.
I disagree.
Would you care to bet
a million dollars?
Why don't we make it interesting?
What, a million dollars
isn't interesting?
Did you say a million?
I'm sorry.
My mind was elsewhere.
I thought you would start
with a small amount...
we would bait each other and--
You know how it goes.
Certainly.
A million will be fine.
Smithers, I've been thinking.
Is it wrong to cheat
to win a million dollar bet?
Yes, sir.
Let me rephrase that.
Is it wrong if I cheat
to win a million dollar bet?
No, sir.
Who would you like killed?
No, Smithers.
I've decided
to bring in a few ringers--
professional baseballers.
We'll give them
token jobs at the plant...
and have them play
on our softball team.
Honus Wagner, Cap Anson...
Mordecai Brown--
Uh, sir.
What is it, Smithers?
I'm afraid all those players
have retired...
and, uh, passed on.
In fact, your right fielder
has been dead for 1 30 years.
Damnation!
Find me some good players--
living players.
Scour the professional ranks--
the American League,
the National League...
the Negro leagues.
I'm on my way.
Oh, and, Smithers...
you have 2 4 hours.
I get $50,000 to play one game?
That's right, Mr. Canseco.
It's a pay cut,
but what the hey.
It sounds like fun.
Uh... oh--
Hey, sorry.
I thought you were a deer.
Oh, that's okay.
Happens all the time.
Are you Mike Scioscia?
That's me.
How do you like working
for the Dodgers?
It's okay...
but sometimes I wish I had
something more blue collar...
with big machines
and cool dials and stuff...
like an oil refinery...
or hydroelectric plant.
We should talk.
And this is Elvis'rec room.
When the King wasn't
rehearsing or exercising...
he liked to unwind by watching
up to three TVs at once.
Man, oh, man, what a lifestyle.
Are you Ozzie Smith?
Yes.
I have a proposition for you.
- Hello. Are you Don Mattingly?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Come in. Come in.
Can I get you something?
What's your name?
How would you
like to be a ringer...
on a small-town
company softball team?
Would I?
Now I'd like to introduce...
the new members of our
happy power plant family.
- Our security guard, Roger Clemens.
- Hello.
- Ourjanitor, Wade Boggs.
- How you doing?
- Our lunchroom cashier, Ken GriffeyJr.
- Hey, what's up, guys?
Our new, well, uh...
we'll make up jobs
for these fellas later.
Say hello to Steve Sax,
Don Mattingly, Darryl Strawberry...
Ozzie Smith, Mike Scioscia
andJose Canseco.
- Ooh.
- Wow.
- Geez.
By the way, you new fellas,
there's a sign-up sheet...
for the softball team
on the board over there...
just in case you wish to play.
- Wait a minute.
- What's going on?
With them on the team,
you won't need us.
Well, duh.
You, Scioscia, sign up.
I'm here to run the solid
contaminate encapsulator.
One more outburst, and I'll
send you back to the big leagues.
- You're Darryl Strawberry.
- Yes.
- You play right field.
- Yes.
- I play right field too.
- So?
Are you better than me?
Well, I've never met you,
but... yes.
It's not fair. We worked so hard
to get to the championship game...
and we'll be sitting on the bench.
You hit so many home runs.
What makes you think...
this Darryl Strawberry
is better than you?
Marge, forget it.
He's bigger than me,
faster, stronger...
and he already has more friends
around the plant than I do.
You make me sick, Homer.
You're the one who told me I could
do anything if I put my mind to it.
Now that you're older,
I can tell you that's a crock.
No matter how good you are...
there's always
a million people better.
Gotcha--
Can't win, don't try.
As your new manager,
I want to say this up front--
No one is assured a spot
in the starting lineup.
I don't care
if you're Steve Sax...
or Darryl Strawberry or--
What's one
of the bad players' names?
Homer Simpson, sir.
Or Homer Simpson.
Secondly, instead of beer,
you will all drink this.
It's a brain and nerve tonic...
rich in proteins and
electromagnetic juices.
It promotes robust health.
It has been known
to cause gigantism...
but only in rare cases.
Try some.
It's like there's
a party in my mouth...
and everyone's invited.
Excellent.
Let's begin our training,
shall we?
Smithers...
the medicine balls.
Ugh.
Ugh.
Here.
What are you gonna do
with your million dollars?
Throw it in the pile,
I suppose.
You are all very good players.
We are all very good players.
You will beat Shelbyville.
We will beat Shelbyville.
You will give 1 1 0%.
That's impossible.
No one can give more than 1 00%.
By definition, that is
the most anyone can give.
I got it!
I got it!
Yes.
Hey!
I called for that.
Put a lid on it.
There's no ''I'' in ''team.''
Some of these guys
have a bad attitude, Skip.
They sure do, Strawberry.
Scioscia, I don't get it.
You're a ringer,
but you're here every night...
busting your butt
hauling radioactive waste.
It's a relief
from the pressures...
of playing big league ball.
There, you make
any mistake, and boom--
the press is all over you.
Uh-oh.
Don't worry about it.
Oh, man, is this ever sweet.
Me, me.
Pick me.
Pick me, pick me.
I pick Ken GriffeyJr.
Aw, geez.
Okay, I'll take Millhouse.
Mr. Boggs,
will you be on my team?
You got yourself a player.
Damn!
All right, I'll take Louis.
I'll takeJose Canseco.
D'oh!
Mattingly,
get rid of those sideburns.
What sideburns?
You heard me, hippie.
These guys aren't so tough.
I've got Wonderbat.
Take a knee, boys.
Tomorrow is the biggest day
of your lives--
The Shelbyville game.
So lights out at 7::30...
and abstain from coffee,
tea and cola drinks.
They pack a wallop.
Sure do, Skip.
Before I post
the starting lineup...
I want to assure those
who are not on the list...
that I'm very disappointed in you.
Something was lacking.
Let's call it heart.
- No hustle either, Skip.
- That's right, Darryl.
All right.
Way to go.
Aw, nuts.
Please, please, please.
Clemens, did I make the team?
You sure did.
I did?
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
In your face, Strawberry.
Are you Ken GriffeyJr.?
No.
Didn't mean
to get your hopes up.
Ohhh.
Smithers, there's no way
I can lose this bet...
unless, of course,
my nine all-stars...
fall victim to nine
separate misfortunes...
and are unable to play tomorrow.
But that will never happen.
Three misfortunes,
that's possible...
seven misfortunes,
there's an outside chance...
but nine misfortunes--
I'd like to see that.
What a nice little town.
Maybe I'll buy a home here
when I retire.
What seems to be
the problem, officers?
That's enough, smart guy.
Reach for your license.
Slowly.
Well, well.
Steve Sax from New York City.
I heard some guy
got killed in New York...
and they never solved the case.
But you wouldn't know
anything about that...
now, would you, Steve?
But there's hundreds
of unsolved murders...
in New York City.
You don't know when
to keep your mouth shut...
do you, Saxy boy?
Uh, Mike, try to lift your arm.
Can't... lift... arm...
or... speak...
at... normal... rate.
I'm afraid you have a case...
of acute radiation poisoning,
Mr. Scioscia.
Will... I...
be... able...
to... play...
softball... tomorrow?
No. By tomorrow...
you'll barely
be able to breathe.
Oh... man.
Dr. Hibbert...
Ken GriffeyJr. needs
to see you immediately.
We think it's an overdose
of nerve tonic.
Good Lord!
Gigantism!
- My baby! My baby!
- Don't worry, ma'am.
I'll save your baby.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Canseco.
- My cat!
Never fear, ma'am.
I'll save your cat.
- My player piano!
Oh, man.
Ohh, one thing I'm good at,
and I can't do it anymore.
Homie, you're good
at lots of things.
Like what?
Like snuggling.
Yeah, but none of my friends
can watch me.
And I say...
England's greatest
prime minister...
was Lord Palmerston!
Pitt, the Elder.
Lord Palmerston!
Pitt, the Elder!
Okay, you asked for it, Boggs.
Uh!
Yeah, that's
showing him, Barney.
Pitt, the Elder.
Lord Palmerston!
Nice work, boys.
We can close the book...
on every unsolved crime
in our fair city.
Don't I get to call my lawyer?
You watch too many movies, Sax.
How long does it take
to see this thing?
I'm in a hurry.
It's hard to say.
Once you go in,
you may never come out.
Wow! One, please.
Where do you think you're going?
To the game.
No. I don't want you to see me...
sitting on my worthless butt.
We've seen it, Dad.
For the last time,
get rid of those sideburns.
I don't know what you think
sideburns are, but--
Don't argue with me!
Just get rid of them!
It's almost game time.
Where the devil are my ringers?
Mike Scioscia may not live
through the night.
Steve Sax is looking
at six life sentences.
Ozzie Smith seems to have vanished
off the face of the earth.
Cool!
What about Canseco?
The dryer goes on the right.
Yes, ma'am.
What about Clemens?
Sir, he's in no condition to play.
That damn hypnotist!
You! Look what you've done.
My starting pitcher
thinks he's a chicken.
I'm going to report this...
to the American
Hypnotical Association.
But I did a good job...
a good job.
I guess it's not your fault.
You did a good job.
Mattingly!
I told you to trim
those sideburns.
Go home!
You're off the team!
For good!
Fine.
I still like him
better than Steinbrenner.
All right, you ragtag
bunch of misfits.
You hate me,
and I hate you even more.
But without my beloved ringers...
you're all I've got.
So I want you to remember...
some inspiring things...
that someone else
may have told you...
in the course of your lives...
and go out there and win.
Not so fast, Simpson.
The man who plays
your position is here.
- Hit the pine.
- Ohhh!
You stink, Strawberry!
We want Home Run Homer!
Darryl.
Darryl.
- Darryl.
- Darryl.
- Darryl.
- Darryl.
Children,
that's not very nice.
Mom, they're
professional athletes.
They're used to this.
It rolls
right off their backs.
Who wants peanuts?
Hey, whoa!
Ho, peanuts!
Hey, peanuts!
We got peanuts!
Need some peanuts? Heads up!
All right, Monty...
it's up to your
managerial skills.
What to do--
Smithers, massage my brain.
Yes, sir.
You, Strawberry--
Hit a home run!
Okay, Skip.
I told him to do that.
Brilliant strategy, sir.
Ohhh!
Oh, dear! Hmm.
Children, tell me...
when your father stops
scratching himself.
Kids?
We'll tell you, Mom.
All right, tie game.
Bottom of the ninth.
Two outs, bases loaded.
Strawberry coming up.
They're gonna win
the city championship.
No thanks to me.
Wait.
You! Strawberry!
Good effort today.
Take a lap
and hit the showers.
I'm putting in
a right-handed batter.
Pinch-hitting for me?
Yes. You're a left-hander...
and so is the pitcher.
If I send up
a right-handed batter...
it's called
playing the percentages.
It's what smart managers
do to win ball games.
I've got nine home runs.
You should be very proud.
Sit down.
Simpson!
You're batting for Strawberry.
I am? Whoo-hoo!
That a boy, Homer.
You can do it.
All right, Simpson.
Let's go over the signals.
- If I tug the bill of my cap like so...
- Yeah.
- it means the signal is a fake.
- Uh-huh.
- I can take that off
by dusting my hands thusly.
- Got it.
If I want you to bunt,
I'll touch my belt buckle...
not once, not twice,
but thrice.
I don't understand
a word he's saying.
Why doesn't he just let me bat?
I wish I was home with
a big bag of potato chips.
Mmm... potato chips.
- Got that, Simpson?
- Yes, sir.
Now batting for Darryl Strawberry--
Homer Simpson.
- All right!
- Yea!
- Boo!
- Boo!
Huh?
Ugh!
Oh, dear!
No, Mom.
It counts as a hit.
Dad just won the game.
Well, I guess he'll be happy...
when he comes to.
We won! We won!
All right!
Homer! Homer! Homer!
## Well, Mr. Burns had done it ##
## The power plant had won it ##
## With Roger Clemens
clucking all the while ##
##Mike Scioscia's tragic illness
made us smile ##
## While Wade Boggs lay unconscious ##
## On the barroom tile ##
## We're talking softball ##
##From Maine to San Diego ##
## Talking softball ##
##Mattingly and Canseco ##
##Ken Griffey's
grotesquely swollen jaw ##
##Steve Sax and his run-in
with the law ##
## We're talking Homer ##
## Ozzie and the Straw ##
####[ Instrumental Break ]
## We're talking softball ##
##From Maine to San Diego ##
## Talking softball ##
##Mattingly and Canseco ##
##Ken Griffey's ##
## Grotesquely swollen jaw ##
##Steve Sax ##
##And his run-in with the law ##
## We're talking Homer ##
## Ozzie and the Straw ####
D'oh!
Mmm, doughnuts.
Hey, Homer, slow down.
You're going to choke
or something.
Don't tell me
how to eat doughnuts.
Hey, Homer's choking again.
Isn't there a first aid
chart around here somewhere?
- Somebody scare him.
- That's for the hiccups.
Hey, look at this.
Softball starts this week.
Softball?
Who's next?
- Count me out.
- Not me.
- No way.
What's the matter with you guys?
Last year we were 2 and 28.
It wasn't our best season.
Actually, it was.
This year it's
gonna be different.
What makes you so damn sure?
I have a secret weapon.
Hey, he's been holding out
on us, huh?
A secret weapon?
I wonder what it could be.
Hmm.
- Count me in.
- I'm there.
Come here, boy.
I want to show you something.
What's that?
A homemade bat?
It's something very special--
a homemade bat.
It all started last year...
during a terrible thunderstorm...
when I locked myself...
out of the house.
Sheltering myself with
a large piece of sheet metal...
I ran for cover under
the tallest tree I could find.
Something told me
this was a very special...
very magical piece of wood
that I could make a bat out of.
I put my homemade football on hold...
and set to work making
the world's greatest bat.
Homie, come to bed.
Homer, go back to the garage.
And here it is.
Wow! How many home runs...
you going to hit with that?
We play 30 games,
1 0 at bats a game-- 3,000.
Hit one here, Charlie!
Let's go over the ground rules.
You can't leave first
until you chug a beer.
Any man scoring
has to chug a beer.
Chug a beer at the top
of all odd-numbered innings.
And the fourth inning
is the beer inning.
Hey, we know
how to play softball.
Play ball!
Attention all units!
Attention all units!
Armored car being robbed
at Fifth and Main.
Turn off that damn radio!
And the next man
wants to hit the ball too.
And there he goes
off in that direction.
And everyone is happy.
Mom, why don't you
let me call the game?
That's all right, dear.
I can do it.
Men, stop that!
Okay, Homer, bases loaded,
and you're up.
Where's that secret weapon?
Check it out, boys.
My magic bat.
That's it?
Yeah, I got a magic bat too.
And I got
an enchanted jockstrap.
Yeah.Just watch.
Whoo-hoo!
All right, Homeboy!
Yeah!
Ha-ha! Cops can't win!
- Get his license and registration.
- Right, Chief.
Wow, Dad.
Homer, can I get you a beer?
No. I want to get him a beer.
Kids, kids,
you can each get me a beer.
But first, let's see it again
in super slow motion.
Why, you--
Huh?
Ooh!
Such a mighty wallop.
I got my magic bat off a piano.
My sister let me use
her wooden leg.
Good news, sir.
The softball team won again.
If we beat Shelbyville,
we capture the pennant.
Did you hear that, Ari?
My boys need only to thump your tub,
and the title is ours.
Ha!
The Gladiators
from my power plant...
will crush your team
like nine flabby grapes.
I disagree.
Would you care to bet
a million dollars?
Why don't we make it interesting?
What, a million dollars
isn't interesting?
Did you say a million?
I'm sorry.
My mind was elsewhere.
I thought you would start
with a small amount...
we would bait each other and--
You know how it goes.
Certainly.
A million will be fine.
Smithers, I've been thinking.
Is it wrong to cheat
to win a million dollar bet?
Yes, sir.
Let me rephrase that.
Is it wrong if I cheat
to win a million dollar bet?
No, sir.
Who would you like killed?
No, Smithers.
I've decided
to bring in a few ringers--
professional baseballers.
We'll give them
token jobs at the plant...
and have them play
on our softball team.
Honus Wagner, Cap Anson...
Mordecai Brown--
Uh, sir.
What is it, Smithers?
I'm afraid all those players
have retired...
and, uh, passed on.
In fact, your right fielder
has been dead for 1 30 years.
Damnation!
Find me some good players--
living players.
Scour the professional ranks--
the American League,
the National League...
the Negro leagues.
I'm on my way.
Oh, and, Smithers...
you have 2 4 hours.
I get $50,000 to play one game?
That's right, Mr. Canseco.
It's a pay cut,
but what the hey.
It sounds like fun.
Uh... oh--
Hey, sorry.
I thought you were a deer.
Oh, that's okay.
Happens all the time.
Are you Mike Scioscia?
That's me.
How do you like working
for the Dodgers?
It's okay...
but sometimes I wish I had
something more blue collar...
with big machines
and cool dials and stuff...
like an oil refinery...
or hydroelectric plant.
We should talk.
And this is Elvis'rec room.
When the King wasn't
rehearsing or exercising...
he liked to unwind by watching
up to three TVs at once.
Man, oh, man, what a lifestyle.
Are you Ozzie Smith?
Yes.
I have a proposition for you.
- Hello. Are you Don Mattingly?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Come in. Come in.
Can I get you something?
What's your name?
How would you
like to be a ringer...
on a small-town
company softball team?
Would I?
Now I'd like to introduce...
the new members of our
happy power plant family.
- Our security guard, Roger Clemens.
- Hello.
- Ourjanitor, Wade Boggs.
- How you doing?
- Our lunchroom cashier, Ken GriffeyJr.
- Hey, what's up, guys?
Our new, well, uh...
we'll make up jobs
for these fellas later.
Say hello to Steve Sax,
Don Mattingly, Darryl Strawberry...
Ozzie Smith, Mike Scioscia
andJose Canseco.
- Ooh.
- Wow.
- Geez.
By the way, you new fellas,
there's a sign-up sheet...
for the softball team
on the board over there...
just in case you wish to play.
- Wait a minute.
- What's going on?
With them on the team,
you won't need us.
Well, duh.
You, Scioscia, sign up.
I'm here to run the solid
contaminate encapsulator.
One more outburst, and I'll
send you back to the big leagues.
- You're Darryl Strawberry.
- Yes.
- You play right field.
- Yes.
- I play right field too.
- So?
Are you better than me?
Well, I've never met you,
but... yes.
It's not fair. We worked so hard
to get to the championship game...
and we'll be sitting on the bench.
You hit so many home runs.
What makes you think...
this Darryl Strawberry
is better than you?
Marge, forget it.
He's bigger than me,
faster, stronger...
and he already has more friends
around the plant than I do.
You make me sick, Homer.
You're the one who told me I could
do anything if I put my mind to it.
Now that you're older,
I can tell you that's a crock.
No matter how good you are...
there's always
a million people better.
Gotcha--
Can't win, don't try.
As your new manager,
I want to say this up front--
No one is assured a spot
in the starting lineup.
I don't care
if you're Steve Sax...
or Darryl Strawberry or--
What's one
of the bad players' names?
Homer Simpson, sir.
Or Homer Simpson.
Secondly, instead of beer,
you will all drink this.
It's a brain and nerve tonic...
rich in proteins and
electromagnetic juices.
It promotes robust health.
It has been known
to cause gigantism...
but only in rare cases.
Try some.
It's like there's
a party in my mouth...
and everyone's invited.
Excellent.
Let's begin our training,
shall we?
Smithers...
the medicine balls.
Ugh.
Ugh.
Here.
What are you gonna do
with your million dollars?
Throw it in the pile,
I suppose.
You are all very good players.
We are all very good players.
You will beat Shelbyville.
We will beat Shelbyville.
You will give 1 1 0%.
That's impossible.
No one can give more than 1 00%.
By definition, that is
the most anyone can give.
I got it!
I got it!
Yes.
Hey!
I called for that.
Put a lid on it.
There's no ''I'' in ''team.''
Some of these guys
have a bad attitude, Skip.
They sure do, Strawberry.
Scioscia, I don't get it.
You're a ringer,
but you're here every night...
busting your butt
hauling radioactive waste.
It's a relief
from the pressures...
of playing big league ball.
There, you make
any mistake, and boom--
the press is all over you.
Uh-oh.
Don't worry about it.
Oh, man, is this ever sweet.
Me, me.
Pick me.
Pick me, pick me.
I pick Ken GriffeyJr.
Aw, geez.
Okay, I'll take Millhouse.
Mr. Boggs,
will you be on my team?
You got yourself a player.
Damn!
All right, I'll take Louis.
I'll takeJose Canseco.
D'oh!
Mattingly,
get rid of those sideburns.
What sideburns?
You heard me, hippie.
These guys aren't so tough.
I've got Wonderbat.
Take a knee, boys.
Tomorrow is the biggest day
of your lives--
The Shelbyville game.
So lights out at 7::30...
and abstain from coffee,
tea and cola drinks.
They pack a wallop.
Sure do, Skip.
Before I post
the starting lineup...
I want to assure those
who are not on the list...
that I'm very disappointed in you.
Something was lacking.
Let's call it heart.
- No hustle either, Skip.
- That's right, Darryl.
All right.
Way to go.
Aw, nuts.
Please, please, please.
Clemens, did I make the team?
You sure did.
I did?
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
In your face, Strawberry.
Are you Ken GriffeyJr.?
No.
Didn't mean
to get your hopes up.
Ohhh.
Smithers, there's no way
I can lose this bet...
unless, of course,
my nine all-stars...
fall victim to nine
separate misfortunes...
and are unable to play tomorrow.
But that will never happen.
Three misfortunes,
that's possible...
seven misfortunes,
there's an outside chance...
but nine misfortunes--
I'd like to see that.
What a nice little town.
Maybe I'll buy a home here
when I retire.
What seems to be
the problem, officers?
That's enough, smart guy.
Reach for your license.
Slowly.
Well, well.
Steve Sax from New York City.
I heard some guy
got killed in New York...
and they never solved the case.
But you wouldn't know
anything about that...
now, would you, Steve?
But there's hundreds
of unsolved murders...
in New York City.
You don't know when
to keep your mouth shut...
do you, Saxy boy?
Uh, Mike, try to lift your arm.
Can't... lift... arm...
or... speak...
at... normal... rate.
I'm afraid you have a case...
of acute radiation poisoning,
Mr. Scioscia.
Will... I...
be... able...
to... play...
softball... tomorrow?
No. By tomorrow...
you'll barely
be able to breathe.
Oh... man.
Dr. Hibbert...
Ken GriffeyJr. needs
to see you immediately.
We think it's an overdose
of nerve tonic.
Good Lord!
Gigantism!
- My baby! My baby!
- Don't worry, ma'am.
I'll save your baby.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Canseco.
- My cat!
Never fear, ma'am.
I'll save your cat.
- My player piano!
Oh, man.
Ohh, one thing I'm good at,
and I can't do it anymore.
Homie, you're good
at lots of things.
Like what?
Like snuggling.
Yeah, but none of my friends
can watch me.
And I say...
England's greatest
prime minister...
was Lord Palmerston!
Pitt, the Elder.
Lord Palmerston!
Pitt, the Elder!
Okay, you asked for it, Boggs.
Uh!
Yeah, that's
showing him, Barney.
Pitt, the Elder.
Lord Palmerston!
Nice work, boys.
We can close the book...
on every unsolved crime
in our fair city.
Don't I get to call my lawyer?
You watch too many movies, Sax.
How long does it take
to see this thing?
I'm in a hurry.
It's hard to say.
Once you go in,
you may never come out.
Wow! One, please.
Where do you think you're going?
To the game.
No. I don't want you to see me...
sitting on my worthless butt.
We've seen it, Dad.
For the last time,
get rid of those sideburns.
I don't know what you think
sideburns are, but--
Don't argue with me!
Just get rid of them!
It's almost game time.
Where the devil are my ringers?
Mike Scioscia may not live
through the night.
Steve Sax is looking
at six life sentences.
Ozzie Smith seems to have vanished
off the face of the earth.
Cool!
What about Canseco?
The dryer goes on the right.
Yes, ma'am.
What about Clemens?
Sir, he's in no condition to play.
That damn hypnotist!
You! Look what you've done.
My starting pitcher
thinks he's a chicken.
I'm going to report this...
to the American
Hypnotical Association.
But I did a good job...
a good job.
I guess it's not your fault.
You did a good job.
Mattingly!
I told you to trim
those sideburns.
Go home!
You're off the team!
For good!
Fine.
I still like him
better than Steinbrenner.
All right, you ragtag
bunch of misfits.
You hate me,
and I hate you even more.
But without my beloved ringers...
you're all I've got.
So I want you to remember...
some inspiring things...
that someone else
may have told you...
in the course of your lives...
and go out there and win.
Not so fast, Simpson.
The man who plays
your position is here.
- Hit the pine.
- Ohhh!
You stink, Strawberry!
We want Home Run Homer!
Darryl.
Darryl.
- Darryl.
- Darryl.
- Darryl.
- Darryl.
Children,
that's not very nice.
Mom, they're
professional athletes.
They're used to this.
It rolls
right off their backs.
Who wants peanuts?
Hey, whoa!
Ho, peanuts!
Hey, peanuts!
We got peanuts!
Need some peanuts? Heads up!
All right, Monty...
it's up to your
managerial skills.
What to do--
Smithers, massage my brain.
Yes, sir.
You, Strawberry--
Hit a home run!
Okay, Skip.
I told him to do that.
Brilliant strategy, sir.
Ohhh!
Oh, dear! Hmm.
Children, tell me...
when your father stops
scratching himself.
Kids?
We'll tell you, Mom.
All right, tie game.
Bottom of the ninth.
Two outs, bases loaded.
Strawberry coming up.
They're gonna win
the city championship.
No thanks to me.
Wait.
You! Strawberry!
Good effort today.
Take a lap
and hit the showers.
I'm putting in
a right-handed batter.
Pinch-hitting for me?
Yes. You're a left-hander...
and so is the pitcher.
If I send up
a right-handed batter...
it's called
playing the percentages.
It's what smart managers
do to win ball games.
I've got nine home runs.
You should be very proud.
Sit down.
Simpson!
You're batting for Strawberry.
I am? Whoo-hoo!
That a boy, Homer.
You can do it.
All right, Simpson.
Let's go over the signals.
- If I tug the bill of my cap like so...
- Yeah.
- it means the signal is a fake.
- Uh-huh.
- I can take that off
by dusting my hands thusly.
- Got it.
If I want you to bunt,
I'll touch my belt buckle...
not once, not twice,
but thrice.
I don't understand
a word he's saying.
Why doesn't he just let me bat?
I wish I was home with
a big bag of potato chips.
Mmm... potato chips.
- Got that, Simpson?
- Yes, sir.
Now batting for Darryl Strawberry--
Homer Simpson.
- All right!
- Yea!
- Boo!
- Boo!
Huh?
Ugh!
Oh, dear!
No, Mom.
It counts as a hit.
Dad just won the game.
Well, I guess he'll be happy...
when he comes to.
We won! We won!
All right!
Homer! Homer! Homer!
## Well, Mr. Burns had done it ##
## The power plant had won it ##
## With Roger Clemens
clucking all the while ##
##Mike Scioscia's tragic illness
made us smile ##
## While Wade Boggs lay unconscious ##
## On the barroom tile ##
## We're talking softball ##
##From Maine to San Diego ##
## Talking softball ##
##Mattingly and Canseco ##
##Ken Griffey's
grotesquely swollen jaw ##
##Steve Sax and his run-in
with the law ##
## We're talking Homer ##
## Ozzie and the Straw ##
####[ Instrumental Break ]
## We're talking softball ##
##From Maine to San Diego ##
## Talking softball ##
##Mattingly and Canseco ##
##Ken Griffey's ##
## Grotesquely swollen jaw ##
##Steve Sax ##
##And his run-in with the law ##
## We're talking Homer ##
## Ozzie and the Straw ####