The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 28, Episode 7 - Havana Wild Weekend - full transcript

The Simpsons go to Cuba to get Grampa cheap medical care when the Retirement Castle and V.A. hospital are unable to solve his health problems.

D'oh!

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

Mm.

Hmm.

Welcome...

to The Vulture's Nest.

The Vulture's Nest...

where billionaire investors

swoop down

on your business proposals

and peck out the eyes.



Uh, hello, vultures.

Okay, um...

Forget it. I'm out.

Uh, vultures,

almost every kid wears a retainer,

and that is not cool.

But this retainer

is a de-lamer.

As it turns

this grill from blah...

to bling.

- Ooh.
- Oh...

Now that's a Milhouse I'd marry.

Kirk, when I started digging for oil,



I came up dry for 12 years.

Then I had my yee-haw moment

and realized I needed to drill in Texas

instead of my home state
of New Hampshire.

Well,

I'm very interested.

I'll offer you three hours

of my precious time for
90% of your company.

Too late. 95%.

We're not gonna do any better than that.

I don't know, Dad.

Of course you don't know.

You're just a kid.

I may be a kid, but this was my idea.

Hey!

You need a ride home, don't you?

We've heard enough.

Thank you for the opportunity.

I love seeing people I know fail.

Do you want a beer, son?

There's a stain.

Did that dumb dog pee on the rug?

Dad, it's not fair to blame the dog.

Blame the dumb animal who's
supposed to walk him:

Bart.

I did walk him.

Didn't I, boy?

Chewing your leg

is not a yes, I learned that

in a real estate deal.

Oh, it wasn't the dog.

I went on the rug.

- What?
- Huh?

Grampa,

is everything all right?

I'm 86 years old and I'm falling apart

like toast in a dishwasher.

Oh, you poor man.

Sit down here and relax.

Geez, Dad, you really have lost a step.

Can't you at least enjoy Shark Tank...

I mean, Vulture's Nest?

Grampa, don't worry.

We're paying the finest
nursing home in town.

They'll know what to do.

We have no idea what to do.

We specialize in keeping seniors

from bothering their families,

then gently releasing
them just before death.

God bless, Mr. Simpson.

I've been paying you
off and on for years,

and there's no way you can help?

We do offer free transportation

to the next stage.

Come on, Grampa.

You're not staying on skid row.

Yeah, that's shameful,

shoving poor old people
out on the street.

This place is for the mentally ill.

Hey! What are you...

Uh, get better!

Well, we're not beaten yet.

Grampa, you're a veteran of
every branch of the service.

The VA hospital will help.

Aren't those hospitals
the ones they called

"America's shame"?

A lot of things are
America's shame, honey.

Mr. Simpson?

Yes?

Uh, this is just the waiting room.

Oh...

Well, don't worry, the
veteran's administration

will take care of this proud warrior.

I can see him in five minutes.

23 years from now.

Hey, soldier.

Are you looking for high
quality health care

at no cost?

I know the place.

Tell it to me in an anecdote.

Years ago,

I saw action in the Bay of Pigs.

Bay of Pigs, eh?

Er, have you seen Marilyn Monroe?

I'm asking, for, uh, for a friend.

Yes, a, uh... Er, uh...

a friend. Don't, uh, tell Ethel.

Mmm.

History.

Those Cuban doctors patched me up good,

and for a lot less.

How much less?

Well, what costs $2,000 here

costs six bucks there.

Hmm.

Ah, Cuba sounds a little dangerous.

Why don't we try Canada?

I don't want to go there,

now that that commie
Trudeau is in charge.

We're goin' to Cuba!

You got it, Dad.

Nurse, cancel our appointment.

I'm sorry, there's a fee

- if you don't cancel within 24 years.
- D'oh!

D'oh!

Grampa, can't you enjoy
the Caribbean breeze?

Not while I suspect

your father's gonna
toss me off'n the boat.

- Huh? Wh...?
- Hmm?

- Ah-ah? Ah-ah?
- Hmm?

No. We're not.

And we'll have fun when we get there.

We can have plantains.

They're like bananas
you have to cook. Yum.

Cooked bananas are too
hard for me to chew.

D'oh!

Well, don't forget Cuba's
vibrant jazz scene.

Lisa, thanks for the warning.

Despite what she says,
this trip will be fun.

I am finally gonna put
the Spanish I learned

on I Love Lucy to use.

Oh, Loo-sey, you
need to see a "fee-sa-kia-trist."

Excuse me, sir.

We are perfectly able to
pronounce "psychiatrist."

Now, please don't make me
'splain it to you again.

Come on, Rick. The girls
are dressed up like men,

trying to get into the cigar store.

So you know what we do, Fred?

We give them cigars.

All the cigars they want.

This will be good.

I'll never understand why a bandleader

was such good friends with his landlord.

Now, there are 12 types
of visits to Cuba

that are legally permitted.

- U.S. business...
- Next.

Professional research...

I don't know what either
of those words mean.

Educational activities...

Those words I know and hate.

Family visit...

Is there a VIP entrance to this place?

Religious activities...

God, no.

- Public performances...
- Never.

Mistook us for Aruba...

Is that that weird lettuce?

Here to smuggle cigars...

You guys have cigars?

Fell off a fishing boat...

Many times, not today.

Transmission of information...

Who wants to know?

Really love Gloria Estefan...

Getting warmer.

And the last one is
journalistic activity.

I'm a journalist.

I'm doing an article
for my school paper.

Here's one of my scoops.

Hmm.

You're in.

Whoa, you can make money
playing dominoes?

Come on, Grampa, let's take these guys.

I don't like dominoes.

With my cataracts, everything's a six.

What?

Ooh!

We could go see Mariel
Hemingway's grandfather's house.

Hmm, apparently, he was a writer.

Like Mindy Kaling.

Forget it, I'm done.

Let me just take one last
good look at my granddaughter

so she'll remember her granddad.

And love locks it in.

Now, to just sit and wait for the end.

How could anyone be so glum
in front of that sign?

I am so sorry.

There is, uh, nothing I can do.

All I can offer is this,
uh, festive shirt.

I don't like the way the
birds are looking at me.

Relax, viejo.

Return the shirt after he, you know...

We took an exotic island

vacation for nothing.

Oh, my God!

Where have you been all these years?

Now, this is a car!

Razor-sharp fins.

Little triangle windows that
weren't good for nothing.

And a front seat you could fit
all your newborn babies on.

Would you care to go for a ride?

Car keys that don't go bloopity-bloop!

I'm home!

Oh!

You, my friend,

just had a "Cuba-gasm."

Dad, let me help you out.

I don't need no help!

A lungful of leaded gas
and I'm better than ever!

Oh, thank you.

You've taken my dad
back to a simpler time

when our only worry was being
obliterated by nuclear weapons.

It is the car.

All our American cars
were built before 1960.

And studies show that exposure
to objects from your youth

can help you feel young again.

What studies?

Are they peer reviewed?

You know what they are?

A professor, Ellen Langer, did a study

where seniors exposed to
culture from the '50s

became more vigorous and engaged.

They even engaged in heavy petting.

There's heavy petting?

Wow, that's the first time I've seen him

get a woman's attention
without flatlining.

Now, here's one that's been
in our family for years.

Well, that saves us going to the beach.

Okay,

so let me get this straight.

This paladar is a restaurant,

but it's in a home?

That's right.

So I don't have to do the dishes?

You don't do the dishes at home.

Never discuss family business
in front of the Cubans.

Homie, this place is so homey.

Look, Grampa's eating like a horse.

So, you are enjoying the horse?

No, no, no.

You are not eating a horse.

The baby is.

How many bites have you had?

Gracias. ¿Cómo estás tú?

Bart, you're using informal Spanish

with someone who's not a family member.

Ay, caramba.

Quiet, you kids. I'm watching Castro.

All the best world leaders have beards.

Him, Santa Claus.

And every time he says
"collective farming,"

I take a drink.

Recientemente, viajé a
una granja colectiva.

Gracias!

Look at me, Jasper!

I'm eating a peanut!

Who's that guy?

Huh? Who knows?

But I'm sending him a
picture of my junk.

Ugh. Disgusting.

300 extra pesos

por la hermosa camarera.

Yo no salgo con clientes.

Another El Presidente
cocktail, Señor Abraham?

I don't remember telling you my name.

You did. In fact, you were so charming,

I want to hook up later.

Not for money but for
nylons and chocolate.

Hey, Macarena!

For me, that's a topical reference.

Why don't you let me
buy this round, Abe?

Wheels McGrath?! I knew
you in the Air Force!

I haven't seen you since
you dropped that A-bomb

off the forklift.

Yeah, 'member when it just
kept rollin' and rollin'?

Oh, you're looking good, Abe.

Cuba's great.

It's like Florida before
all the Cubans came.

So what happened to you?

I-I hijacked a
plane here in the '70s.

Wow! Did you have the chicken or fish?

I had both.

Crazy!

Listen, there's a place
I want to take you.

What do you say? For old times' sake?

Yeah, why not?

Keep my tab open, Issabella.

I hope I see you again, Abelito.

You will. I never go anyplace new.

So, you just sign the papers
and she's committed, huh?

That's right.

That'll zap the sass out of her.

Yes. Yes!

The future of Angola
is the future of Cuba!

Are you sure we had to take this route?

Hey, I like hacking.

Are you ready for the
surprise of your life?

Can you give it to me in stages?

There she is,

the most hijacked plane in history.

All you had to say was your
kid wanted a pair of wings,

and you were in the cockpit.

I remember their motto,

Skyhawk Air: Nobody try to be a hero.

It's all ready to open
as a nightclub, Abe.

All we have to do is clean it up

and hack a 50-foot-wide
path to civilization.

Couldn't we just burn a path?

No, I'll do the hacking. I'll do that.

All I need is a front man and a partner.

You expect me to give you the money

I was gonna leave to Homer?

Okay, I'm in! Aah!

We'll fix that.

See? Fixed.

It's about time!

We leave at 2:00!

You leave at 2:00. I'm staying here.

Dad, you can't stay in Cuba.

For the first time in years,
I feel young and healthy.

And I found love!

Don't you want those things for me?

But I can't even leave you in the park

without you losing
your wallet in a bush.

It was an investment!

So you want to stay and
be with your Cuban chica?

She makes me weak in the knees!

You're always weak in the knees.

That's because I had to sell
my cartilage in the '70s,

and that cartilage became
part of Hank Aaron's wrist.

Dad, you're happy now
because the new thing

is always exciting.

Remember when you got that new pillow?

Oh, that was a mighty fine pillow.

Hypoallergenic.

Oh, what kind of father would
you be if you left me now?

Son, all you see in me is a burden!

Think of me every time
you don't visit someone!

♪ Aquí pensaban seguir ♪

♪ Ganando el ciento por ciento ♪

♪ Con casar de apartamento ♪

♪ Y echar al pueblo a sufrir ♪

♪ Y seguir de modo cruel ♪

♪ Contra el pueblo conspirando ♪

♪ Para seguirlo explotando ♪

♪ Y en eso llegó Fidel. ♪

Who knew you can have fun in coach?!

I'd like to speak to your
black ops department.

Right downstairs, Mr. Simpson.

Thank you.

Hmm. How did they know my name?

I don't know where my dad is.

Don't worry... Each AARP card

contains a secret tracking chip.

The magazine
is pretty good, too.

- Super easy Sudoku.
- Quiet!

This could take a while.

Bam! Got 'em!

Now you have to do a favor for us.

How many baseball players can
you sneak home with you?

Well... I have to ask my
wife, but I'd say 12.

Bam! Done!

Andre here sold secrets to the Soviets.

And this is the guy who came
up with the service fee

for Ticketmaster.

Do you know any good people?

Everyone's got their
embarrassments, Abe.

I'm sure you got yours.

Dad!

And up he walks.

What are you doing here?
Who are these people?

This guy was the biggest drug lord

in North American history.

And this guy invented Ticketmaster.

You charged me to sell me something!

Pleased to meet you, sir.

Abe, come with me

to the cockpit.

Are we gonna fly or make love?

You will sit there, move nothing,

and do as I say.

Hot dog! Makin' love!

Miami,
this is Jitterbug Justice

bringing back an early bird special.

Miami, do you copy?

Uh, we copy.

The nightclub is flying away.

Can't we hold on to anything?

Boy, I didn't think I'd
ever be able to do this again!

All you have done is fly
without falling asleep.

Just like on my honeymoon.

I'm starting to suspect you're
not a simple Cuban bartender.

No, I'm an undercover agent for the CIA

here to recapture
fugitives from U.S. law.

And when I saw you, I realized
you'd be the perfect carcass

to tempt these old buzzards.

Is there anything I get out of this?

Yes. You avoid the knockout gas.

Aw.

Oh, thank God.

Usually I can never sleep on planes.

Sometimes I...

So, that's the end of my Cuban paradise.

And like every good thing in my life,

I've already forgotten it.

Listen, Dad, I know it was fun,
but your place is with us,

not on some island in the Indian Ocean.

I love you.

Oh, now we're two men hugging.

This is no sight for
the streets of Miami.

Hey, Dad.

It's a beautiful day.

Want to hit the links?

Oh, just like we used to.

Screw you!

Look over there.

I just painted a black
circle on the green.

Why, you little...!

Hey!

Now, boy, it's 50 cents a golf ball

from that water hazard.

Just move those logs aside.

Next on Vulture's Nest...

We all know TV dinners,

but what about toilet breakfasts?

Here's my offer... no money,

and I get a hundred
percent of the company

because there's no doubt you
developed this idea on my time.

And there's more!

Not now.