The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 28, Episode 4 - Treehouse of Horror XXVII - full transcript

(thunder crashes)

Oh, Dad, why are you taking us
Christmas tree shopping

on Halloween?

Because in America,
everything's way too early.

See? (chuckles)

("Carol of the Bells" playing)

(grunts)

ALL:
Aah! Sideshow Bob!

Aah!

One of you guys!

Frank Grimes?!
Who?



I'm the guy who hated you.
Hated you!

Died from my hatred
of you.

(laughs)
Good old Grimey.

To the point,
we are evil geniuses

who somehow lost
every battle we've had

with Homer Simpson.

(crunching)
What?

So we decided to form
this furious four.

Bob, seriously, man,
one suggestion?

Shut up.

I mean, the baby is
already asleep.

Aw.

(unearthly screech)

Enough!
Time for revenge most sweet.



Uh...
Wait a minute.

I thought you said
"furious four."

I did.

Revenge!
But first we dance.

(Irish dance music playing)

¶ ¶

(music stops)

Will nobody stop these people?

(Simpsons Halloween theme
plays)

¶ ¶

(ding)

Ah.

In Hell they make you
watch them all in a row.

(dramatic music playing)

¶ ¶

(all crying out)

(heavy thumping)

¶ ¶

Hmm.

¶ ¶

(crackling and blowing)

LISA: We didn't have much
in Springfield,

but we always had water.

Then one day, the rain stopped,

then the rivers dried up,

and a drought of Chicago Cubs
proportions began.

(all exclaim)

(Samuel Barber's
"Adagio for Strings" playing)

¶ ¶

(groans)

Attention,
friends and neighbors.

As you know, I possess
all the remaining water.

(slurping)

Why do we keep
reelecting this guy?

To take your mind off your
troubles,

I will sponsor a no-holds-barred
battle to the death

among our cutest children.

Makes sense.

What sickos want to
see ugly kids die?

One child from each neighborhood
will be selected to compete

as their champion.

The last child standing in
a pile of his fallen chums

will win a day of aquatic fun
at my personal reservoir.

(whimpering)

(slurping)

Good luck to you all.

¶ What a feeling... ¶

He's wastin' water
like a Tucson swim-up bar

while I'm bathing
with a dog's tongue here!

(dog whining)

Okay, sweetie.

I've hidden a bunch of
weapons in your suit.

Uh, Mom,
I can barely move.

Well, I could use a new look.

Hmm.

Hmm... hmm.

(gasps)

You just died.

Who are you?

They call me Homish.

I'm your coach.

Huh. It's hard to believe
you could coach anyone.

If you don't think I can,
try watching just a few

of the hundreds of movies
with characters like me.

Also, I sober up in the
middle with no difficulty

just like real
alcoholics.

Welcome, children.

The Games will begin
in ten seconds!

Do not step off your pedestals
before...

RALPH:
Before what?

Whee!
(explosion)

(cannon fires, "Taps" plays)

What, what?
What did I miss?

Oh.

(grunting and panting)

(gasps)

The only thing I want
to kill is your sadness.

My name is Pita,
like the healthy bread.

My name is also Peta,

like the animal
rights organization.

¶ ¶

(groaning and grunt)

Did someone order
two dead kids?

(cannon fires, "Taps" plays)

(mimics bird calls)

You can come out now, Homish.

HOMER:
What about all the birds?

That was me.

(gasps)

¶ ¶

(cannon fires)

("Taps" plays)

Wait a minute, we don't have
to kill each other.

Now you tell me.

People of Springfield!

We have the power!

With all our new fighting skill,
we could topple Burns.

Or we could do it peacefully
at the ballot box.

Ned, that noggin of yours
is just what we need.

¶ ¶

(yelling)

To the reservoir!

Freedom!

(grunts)

Right in the back!

Like the coward I am.

(Prokofiev's
"The Battle on the Ice" plays)

ALL:
Yay!

We're saved!

Aw!

Ah, we really should have
left it in the reservoir.

It was all for nothing.

We're doomed.

(thunder rumbles)
Hmm?

Rain. Rain. We're saved.

Well, it could be worse.

(wind whooshing)

Oh, God, me and my big mouth.

Ooh, I just donated
the winter clothes.

I'm a god in
this reality.

Sure, why not?

(chainsaw buzzes)

11, 12, 13.

(motor starts)

Ready or not,

here I...
(screams)

(funeral music plays)

Why? Why did my best friend
have to die?

(crying):
I mean, it's a great college
essay, but it's not worth it.

So sorry you lost
your best friend

in such a cool
tragedy, Lisa.

Since you're
interesting now,

you can be our
best friend.

Really?
That would be so...

(thud)

(screaming)

We now bury Sherri and Terri,
survived by their brothers,

Jerry and Larry,

and their father and mother,
Barry and Mary.

And now some light remarks
by comedian Drew Carey.

There was some sort of mistake.

I thought I was doing
a Microsoft event.

(crying)

Man, who'd have thought
a funeral for a couple of kids

would be such a downer?

(sign buzzing)

Everything seems big
to a child, Lisa.

But in a few weeks,

losing three friends
in two days

is something
you'll laugh about.

And I'm here for you.

Really?

Think of me
as your best friend.

(screams)

Ms. Mancuso-Gluckman!

(motor humming)

Lisa Simpson,

you are the prime
suspect in the murders

of two normals
and a twin set.

(grunts)

Well, well, well, well, well.

Well, look what
we have here.

Well.

This matches what we found
on the lawnmower

and the picture
in the therapist's office.

Sparkle nail polish?

But I only wore that
with Rachel.

Who's Rachel?

And tell me it's not
a computer acronym

like Repeating Algorithm
for Calculating Hotel...

Come on, Lou,
help me out here.

No, no, no.
You got yourself

into that acronym.

You can, uh,
get yourself out.

Lou stands for lousy,
obstinate, um...

Uh, help me
out here, Lou.

I had no real friends.

So I played with my imaginary
friend, Rachel.

We did it all together.

I was maid of honor
at her imaginary wedding.

But then I outgrew her.

(Bart humming)

And I never saw Rachel
or wore this nail polish again.

That's a nice story, kid,
but, uh,

we're keeping our eye on you.

Only invisible killer
I believe in is God.

(brakes squeaking)

(indistinct chatter)

(gasping)

Well, I'm not afraid
to be around you.

Hello, best friend.

(gasps)

No, no, please.

(gagging)

Why did Mom double-wrap?

(groans)

How could you do that?

You tell me.
I came from your brain,

where your
darkest thoughts live.

(dissonant notes playing)

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

(siren wailing)

I didn't do it.

Plastic wrap
doesn't lie.

Except on the box, where
it says "easy tear-off."

Hey, Lisa,

let's gossip about boys.

Isn't Milhouse so cute?

Oh, of course, he suffocated.

My mom was so right when she
said I didn't need you anymore.

Oh. Oh, I see.

So, nosy old Marge
was the reason

you-you moved on from me.

(gasps)
Oh, no.

She'll kill Mom.
What do I do?

You can keep quiet and let
me get you out of here.

(gasps) Bart!
You came to save me?

Actually, I deliver
little bags to guys inside.

Don't know what's in 'em,
but they're sure glad to see me.

Come on, let's go.

Yo, could you please
keep it down?

Some of us are trying to shiv.

Tell Ralphie
I won't be home for dinner.

Uh, tell him that dinner
is the meal

at the end of the day.

Uh, tell him the end of the day
is when the sun goes down.

Tell him...

Oh, thank you, thank you.

(Marge humming a tune)

(meows)

(thunk)
Aah! (groans)

(humming a tune)

(both panting)
(harmonicas wheezing)

God, those have so much drool.

Come on, we got to save Mom.

Come on, imagine a motorcycle
to get us out of here.

My imagination
isn't that powerful.

You imagined a girl that's
killing everyone in town.

Good point.

Where do I sit?

(groans)

Safety first.

And it runs on pony smiles.

Oh, man,
you ruin everything.

LISA:
Rachel, no!

Why can't a real person
like me this much?

I'm going to kill
everyone you love.

And they'll blame you because
nobody else can see me.

I can see you.

Because I am incredibly wasted.

Hey...

(gagging)

Only...

my childhood
imaginary friend...

can save me now.

Sergeant Sausage, you came!
I love you.

Rachel, Rachel,
you must understand

the thankless role
of the imaginary friend.

When the child matures,
you cease to exist.

I don't take orders
from a hot dog.

Uh... uh-oh.

No, no-- cut slits in me first!

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Rachel, you have to go.

I can turn you into the worst
thing you can imagine:

your mother.

No! You'll be
sorry, Lisa.

I'm the truest friend
you've ever had.

I'll have friends in college.

And you'll be married
to a dentist.

We'll spend every vacation
with my parents.

Ha, ha. You think your
dad will pay for college?

Now who's
imagining thi...

(electric whirring)

(all sigh)

And now it's time

to lay my good friend to rest.

At least his life
wasn't in vain.

Actually, as an
imaginary friend,

I can never die.

Get in my stomach.

Okay, yes, sir.

¶ ¶

¶ ¶

Violence never
solved anything.

Don't use math on us.

Ah.

We're gonna
kill you, Simpson.

And book the funeral
in a huge church

so it looks empty.

(laughter)
Yeah.

Can I help
youse gentleman?

Just get your broom,
old man,

and get ready
to sweep up some broken boy.

And make it snappy.

I rather wish you'd-a
hadn't-a done that.

You idiot, now you're
trapped here with us.

(laughter)

Idiot.

Ow!

Sorry. I should have
used a coaster.

(grunts)

(gagging)

(all groaning)

You know
we're only 13, right?

Come with me.

¶ ¶

(gasps) Whoa.

I didn't know the pool
table could do that.

Halloween show money.

Yeah, you see, kid, it turns out
the guys you thought

were wastin' time
in this bar were actually

covert agents helpin'
to save the world.

So, how did things
go in Prague?

Oh, quite well.
I canceled a few Czechs.

We've had our eye on you
since your father--

our best man-- died.

They said he died jogging,
but I never believed it.

Smart boy.
He was actually killed

by our greatest nemesis.

We need you to take his place.

But I'm just a kid.

We all of us
have special abilities.

All these years
I've been pretending

to be the idiot bartender

while actually
I'm this super genius guy.

Now, do you
want to avenge your father?

I'm in.
Do I get any weapons?

You certainly do.

Let me introduce you to Q.

There it is. A pool cue.
That's your weapon.

Now let me introduce you
to your fellow agents.

Old Fashioned.

Rob Roy.

And I'm Toilet Gin.
Now listen up here.

We're getting a transmission
from our leader, Highball.

He does an amazing
Michael Caine impression.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

I have the most
interesting development.

We have learned of a plot

to buy up
all of the world's beer.

Can I help you
with something, sir?

I believe that cute blonde
is interested in earbuds.

Oh, boy!

Now, here is the name
of our adversary.

Good luck, gentlemen.

Hmm.

Barney, give me what you got.

Remoh Industries
market capitalization,

$20 billion and the new owner
of Duff Stadium.

Tonight they're
throwing a free concert.

Looks like this concert'll
have a few guests

who weren't invited.

Everyone's invited. It's free.

¶ ¶

State of the art
fingerprint scanner.

Cutting edge technology.

Uh, hand me my toolbox.

We're in.

Welcome, gentlemen.

(cat purring)

Dad? You're alive!

How'd you get that scar?

(meows)
Ow!

That's how.

Of course. Remoh
spelled backwards is Homer.

It is? Uh, I mean,
it's intentional.

Now, I suppose you're wondering

why I cornered the
world beer supply.

I've created a lava machine
that will force the world

to surrender to me.

Then I want all the beer
to celebrate.

Well, we're gonna stop you.

Really?

(meows)
(grunts)

To kill me, you'll have
to get through an army

of jazz rock aficionados
age 50 and up.

(engine straining)

Oh, it seems like every year

my rockets get less powerful.

Attention, lovers
of studio perfectionism.

I've drugged all the concessions

so you'll do what I say.

Drugs at a
Steely Dan concert?

I never thought
I'd see the day.

Angry mob, kill the intruders.
Huh?

Steely Dan,
play "Deacon Blues."

No, "Royal Scam."

No, "Babylon Sisters."

("Babylon Sisters"
by Steely Dan begins playing)

I haven't had any training.

Now you have.

(grunting)

(indistinct conversations)

(grunts)
Aah!

(grunting)

Haw-haw!
You missed my heart.

Attaboy.

(sighs) We still haven't gotten
to the beginning of the song.

But, Dad, this can be
a new beginning for us.
(music stops)

You mean you don't
want to kill me?

I love you, Dad.

And violence
never solved anything.

Except this.

Also, every time you die,

I get another semester
of automatic As.

Everything appears
in order, sir.

But, uh,
where is Master Simpson?

I believe he's...

having a little Sherri.

¶ ¶

JUDITH OWEN:
¶ 600 ¶

¶ Yes, that's right ¶

¶ We've churned out 600 shows ¶

¶ It goes and goes ¶

¶ Two times 300 ¶

¶ And thousands of promos for ¶

¶ Shows that were bad ¶

¶ Yes, they were bad ¶

¶ So very bad ¶

¶ We love gold ¶

¶ Gold. ¶

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

(shrieks)