The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 21 - Simprovised - full transcript

♪ The Simpsons 27x21 ♪
Simprovised
Original Air Date on May 15, 2016

Yeah, I know Ralphie's birthday
is coming up.

Of course
I'm gonna get him a present.

I'm at the...
at the toy store right now.

Let's see,
present for Ralph,

present for Ralph...

Ooh, what do we have here?

Boy, Ralph would kill himself
with this in two seconds.

And somehow it'd be my fault.

Mm!

This money has been sitting here
since 1998,



not doing anybody any good.

I wanna get Ralphie
something nice.

Yeah, a few thousand should do.
Hm-mm.

Uh, you heard me
whistling there, right?

That indicates innocence.

Uh, proclaiming your innocence
indicates guilt.

Uh, yeah?
Well, what does this mean?

♪ Skiddily bop and bah! ♪

Okay, so, at a Ralph party,
always get to the cake before...

Too late.

That's the best damn
treehouse I've ever seen!

Fine. I'll rub my eyes
the other way.

D'oh!

Whee!



Whee...!

Whoa!

The September issue!

Whoo! Free wood!

Oh...
my treehouse sucks.

Haw-haw!

You have class envy!

Nelson, honey,

I told you to stop
sayin' "haw-haw."

Give me a dollar
and I'll stop.

I don't got a dollar.

Haw-haw!

Do you wanna practice
your speech on me?

No need, honey.

Same speech
I give every year.

The opening joke about
Lenny's grandma always kills.

You can't joke about her...

they just put her
on life support.

What?! No!
She's the linchpin!

It's okay, it's okay.

Everyone is terrified
of public speaking.

But just in case, I'll
defrost a failure ham.

You don't have faith in me!
I have savers.

If I get heckled, I'll say,
"Get a half-life!"

I'm sure that'll
be funny to them.

Mm!

Calm down, Homer.

Just leave your body.

Oh, no!

What the hell is this?!

Ooh, throwing away
your "No Girls" sign?

Is it time for you to have
"the talk" with your dad?

Because he's gonna have
to read a few things first.

No. I'm tearing it down.

Ralph has a cool treehouse,
and mine sucks.

Well, Bart, your
father built it,

and he did the
very best he could.

I did my job.
Now it's your turn, tree.

Get growing.

I'll tell you what, why don't
I spruce it up for you. Huh?

But you're
an inside grown-up.

Moms can't build
treehouses.

You realize that saying that is gonna
make this mom work her keister off

to make you the best darn
treehouse you ever saw!

Sounds good.

Don't worry.

You forget, most of that's hair.

So I said,

"Get a half-life!"

Funny and handsome.

And I hear he's loaded.

Yes.

Now, to end this perfect
day on the perfect note,

Mr. Homer Simpson.

You're gonna do great, Homer.
You're gonna kill.

You're gonna... oh, where did
all these people come from?!

Aah!

Uh, uh...

Webster's Dictionary
defines... a speech

as a... series of words that...

elo... quently...

I've never seen anyone
bomb like that.

Yeah. I really feel
badly for the guy.

Boo!
Boo!

I'm a failure.

Shall I release
the hounds, sir?

Mm, the therapy hounds.

Oh, oh, I feel a little better.

Now release the real hounds.

It's a pretty good
seminar this year.

Dad, what's wrong?
Did your speech go badly?

How do you know
something's wrong?

You're drinking
from a can of corn.

Hmm? Eh.

Aw, Dad, do you know
Barbra Streisand

once forgot
the words to a song

and didn't perform in public
again for nearly three decades?

Yeah, but she still had
James Brolin to cuddle.

So, on a scale of
ten to ten, how'd you do?

Um...

♪ Drip drop, you flop ♪

♪ Drip drop, you flop ♪

♪ Drip drop, you flop ♪

♪ Drip drop, you flop ♪
♪ Fail, fail, fail ♪

♪ Drip drop, you flop... ♪
♪ Fail, fail... ♪

What the hell
is your problem, idiot!

I don't know!

I don't know!

I know what will cheer you up.

We'll go to the comedy club
downtown.

Downtown? With all
those desperate addicts?

Oh, the city cleaned them up
and made them comics.

Cool!

Homie, you're gonna chuckle
your blues away.

This is the best
kind of comedy.

No writers.
Amen to that, Marge.

And I appreciate this, but I really
resent the two-drink minimum!

You always drink more
than two drinks.

But no one makes me.

Three Long Island
iced teas, please.

Okay, we're gonna perform
a little improv.

First we need a location.

Uh, 40.7 degrees
north latitude,

74 degrees
west longitude.

Ah, yes, New York City.
Now we need a relationship

for me and Cathy here.

Loveless marriage!

Okay, I heard loveless marriage.

These guys are pros.

All they did was ask
for two premises.

That's two more
than you've asked for.

Oh, boy.

All right, all we need now
is an object.

Anyone.

Fear of public speaking

Sorry, didn't hear that.

Oh... fear of public speaking.

Maybe he has trouble
talking in the dark.

Hey, Jerry,
bring up number seven.

No! Jerry, no!

Aah! No! Aah!

Jerry, stop it! No!

Don't... Aah!

Oh, no! Oh-ho-ho! Aah! Oh!

Okay, okay, okay, um...
fear of public speaking.

Well, that's not really an
object, but we'll make it work.

New York City, loveless marriage,
fear of public speaking.

They've pulled back the bow...
now let the arrow take flight.

You know, I'm gonna
move over a seat.

We now take you to an apartment

on 68th and
Columbus Avenue.

Oh... eeh...

aah... aah... ooh...

What? What?
Cathy, what's wrong?

I-I... I-I...

I... ah-ah-ah... ah...

Aw, for heaven's sakes, Cathy,
when we got married,

you used to speak for hours.

But since we moved
to New York City, nothing!

Wow. It all magically fits.

Come on, Cathy,
say something! Anything!

Fuggedaboutit!

And scene!

I said "fear of
public speaking."

Yes, you did. Very nice.
Return to your seat immediately.

Wow. Wow. These guys
do everything I can't.

Maybe they can teach me.

I don't know that
they're interested in that.

$500 for the first
eight classes.

That's kind of expensive.

Couldn't people just form
their own groups for free?

And scene.

Uh, uh... excuse me,
is this the, uh,

improv class?

Yes, and... come in.

Sit anywhere?

Yes, and... be quiet.

This is it.

I feel my mind exploding
with premises.

♪ ♪

So many ideas,

but how do I turn them
into comedy?

♪ Oh, kiss me ♪

♪ Beneath the milky twilight... ♪

Homer, could-could you
stay with us, please?

I don't know how.

The secret is
to lose yourself

and become, say,
a suicidal auctioneer.

I could not possibly imagine
what such a person would say.

Well, just remember,
it's-it's not you.

Don't you get it?
The secret to life

has been right in front of you
all along:

Don't be yourself!

Uh, uh, okay.

What am I bid for this noose?

Do hear $100?

No?

Going... going...

That's great! Really took
my mind off my sick grandmother.

Oh.

Looks like the hospital
left a message.

- Gotta go.
- See ya!

It made me laugh.

So, then, you pay me?
No, never!

And if you open your own school,
we'll break your legs!

You wanna give him the
one we can never crack?

Queen of Norway buying a car.

Oh, dear! I can't a-fjord it!

A star is born.

Excuse me.

I'm from the city.
Are you aware that you live

in a historical treehouse
preservation district?

♪ ♪

May I see your permits?

I don't have permits.

Don't worry. D-Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.

I've gotta hand it
to you, Dad.

You went from
fear of public speaking

to starting
your own improv troupe.

Improv is exciting,
but totally safe.

Like driving a helicopter
on the ground.

Um, that's not safe.

Don't deny the premise.
That's anti-improv.

Note for new character,
"Auntie Improv."

May I hear a suggestion?

People, don't freak out,

but the improv critic from the
Springfield Shopper

is in the audience.

Steve Thurlson?

No, Thurlson is
their improv reporter.

Grant Hood is
their improv critic.

Then who's Jennifer Whitehead?

Oh, she writes
improv think pieces.

You know, trends,
big picture stuff.

Who does the top ten list at
end-of-year "Best of Improv" issue?

They each write their own.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot about that.
That's true.

Huh!

Hi, everybody.

We are "Premises, Premises."

Yes, it says on Google that
there are 5,012 improv groups

with that name.

Take it, Homer.

Uh, okay, I need a location.

Uh, Jackson Square
in New Orleans.

And a type of person
that might be there.

Someone with confidence.

Mm, I...

I ga-ron-tee it!

So, Tuesday is the
treehouse warming.

Nelson's gonna
show us his mom's bra.

That's the thing
that boobs touch.

Whoa, automatic blinds.

Yeah, I think my
mom put those in.

No need to thank her.

She's just doing her job.

The Keebler Elves are real!

Pass the gravy, Bart.

Yo.

Thank you.

Geez, who ordered the crab?

There's crab?

There's no crab.

There's no "thank you's",
no appreciation.

Nothing.

Uh, who was that directed at?

Bart!

Whew!
Pass the gravy, please.

Dad! Dad!

The Springfield Fringe Festival
just invited us to perform.

Huh? What's a "Fringe Festival"?

My guess would be it's a
three-day series of performances

by alternative
comedy and music acts,

including, but not limited to,

improv, stand-up, light circus
work and ironic burlesque.

We're gonna be on the
main stage on closing night!

This is going in my log.

Yay!

More crab for me.

There's no crab!

Mm!

Mmm!

Aw, Marge,
don't take it to heart.

Kids are ungrateful,
that's their job.

You can cheer up watching me
at the Fringe Festival.

Good for you.

The main stage, closing night,
all eyes on you.

Wh-Wh-Wh-What...
what are you saying?

Oh, she's making me
nervous again.

But now I'm a trained
comedy amateur.

No one can get in my head.

Marge Simpson,

you don't wanna accidentally
undermine him like last time.

Oh, thank God he doesn't know
what I'm thinking.

I know exactly
what she's thinking.

That if I mess this up,
I'll be worse off than ever.

He does know.

She knows I know!

- Homer?
- Aw, what?

I slept on it, and
I'm madder than ever.

Go get Bart.

Oh my God, Marge,

you woke up with
morning-would-be-mad.

Okay, I'll put this
in your new language.

Bart's room.

bring him here.

Can I get
a character, please?

Fine. Um...

A near-sighted Frankenstein.

Okay.

Bride! Bride!

I do not look like
the Bride of Frankenstein.

Don't deny premise.

Mom, can I come in?

You like your eggs
a little runny don't you?

What?

And your toast set at four,
with a little bit of butter?

Yeah!

Hash browns might
be a little burnt.

I like 'em however
you make 'em, sweetie.

I just wanted to say

I'm sorry.

We all forget just how many
wonderful things you do.

Oh...

Y-You're making me cry.

And best of all,

you're as hot
as the day I met you.

Thank you!

That apology speech you wrote
worked like a charm, Pop.

Your mother can't resist
an apology

that comes
straight from the heart...

of this box.

Oh, dear God,

this is not a
Renaissance Faire, is it?

Uh, that's in two weeks,

Henry the Weight Problem. Ha!

Gee, I don't know if I belong
here with all this talent.

Hey, Reverend.

Why didn't the dinosaurs
make it on Noah's Ark?

Ooh, I give up.

Because they didn't exist.

Dad, this festival
encourages experimentation.

Even failure.

Oh, what if I don't fail?

Desperate times call
for desperate measures.

I am getting a helium balloon.

That makes anyone funny.

Be right back!

Homer, are you okay?

You look exactly like
Barbara Streisand did in 1967.

I can't think of anything funny.

Homer, Homer, relax,
you're a riot.

Remember how funny you was when
you was the confident Cajun?

Look, just let me
feed you the prompt.

Wait, you mean cheat at improv?

What would Del Close say?

He would say, "Do like Moe
says, and shut the hell up."

Who's Del Close?

Only the author of the best book
I intend to read someday.

Homer, the cemeteries
are filled with people

who didn't cheat at improv.

Hmm...

Okay, let's go over what you're
gonna call out one more time.

Uh, ethnicity: Cajun.

back alley.

Good, good.

The back alley Cajun bit.

Dad!

Are you cheating by
planting suggestions?

Maybe.

Have you learned nothing
from owning an unread copy

of Truth in Comedy?

It's either that
or quit the show.

You can't let
your troupe down.

They need your space work,
your strong choices,

and scene-building skills.

Hey, lay off your dad, huh?

Everything that's
supposedly spontaneous

has already been planned, okay?

Reality shows, uh,
lip-sync singing, even...

awards shows.

No!

Yes, that's why the losers
don't show up.

B-b-b-but they have
scheduling conflicts.

Yeah, right.

Dave Franco has a
scheduling conflict.

No, no, I've heard enough.

I refuse to use
performance enhancing "sugs."

It's Homer Simpson.

Homer Simpson's here.

Okay, everyone, I'm Homer Simpson
and I need an occupation.

Cadaver salesman?

Drive-thru cashier.

Uh, frog gigger.

Finger kisser! Mwah!

Nurse.

You'll have to be more specific.

I need a nurse!

Back alley Cajun!

Mm-hmm!

Ah...

A father I can look up to.

Oh. Um, uh...

I hear... drive-thru cashier!

You wha... ?

Hello, welcome to
"Down and Out Burger"

Would you like fries with that?

A thousand?

Sure thing, Mr. Brando.

By the way, this is 1992.

And now we're gonna do
something a little special.

Our father is gonna improv
live answers to questions from

the TV audience.
It only took us 27 years to do

what they could do in 1954.
Homer, time to bomb.

Hello!
I've gathered you here because I

have an important announcement.
This is the last episode of "The

Simpsons."
It's been a great run.

Just kidding.
"The Simpsons" will never end.

Now I told you 2 lies. And
to prove that we're live.

On Saturday night live last
night, Drake was terrible.

Now to take your calls.
Let's go to Hannah.

- Hannah, you're talking to homer.
- Hi there, Homer.

My question for you is who do
you like more... Lenny or

Carl... and why?
Let's see.

I like Lenny because he's the
black guy and... wait a minute,

no. Carl's the... wait.

Let me get back to you when I
figure out who's who.

Let's go to the next question.
Amanda?

I was wondering if you could
give me any tips or trips for

making it look like I'm hard at
work but I'm relaxing or taking

- a nap?
- Always wear glasses with eyes

glued onto them. Next question.

George, I think. Hello, George.

- Hello, Homer.
- What's your question?

So my question
is pizza-related.

- Pizza?
- Do you prefer Chicago deep dish

- or New York-style?
- Let's see.

I prefer Chicago deep dish
because I like Italian better

than Chinese.
And now let's go to a planted

call with a planted question.
Let's go to... hello?

- Homer, how are you doing?
- I'm doing all right.

- Is that your question?
- I was wondering what kind of

- car do you drive?
- Oh, I drive a hybrid which is

a combination of old and
terrible.

Next caller. Chris.

Yes, Chris.
What's your question?

- Or comment.
- My question is what's your

favorite job?
What was your favorite job?

My favorite job would have
been being an astronaut because

everything was done for me.
And also I could get away from

the boy. Well, that's it.

That's it, ladies and gentlemen.

We have come to my closing
remarks.

It only lasted three minutes,

like eating cheeseburgers and
making love.

If your call hasn't
been taken yet,

please continue to hold.

The cast of Empire will be answering
questions Wednesday night.

Someone will let them know.

Flashing by are the credits of the

people who worked long and hard
on this.

I have no idea who they are.

Now the show is over.

The spotlight dims, the laughter
fades.

Someone call uber.

If Bart would just return my

pants so I can move from behind
this desk.

Doo, doo, doo.

Waiting on the pants.

Oh, Bart, not culottes.

No.