The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 20 - To Courier with Love - full transcript

Whee!

Uh-oh!

♪ The Simpsons 27x20 ♪
To Courier With Love
Original Air Date on May 8,

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

D'oh!

Hey. How ya doin' there?

Ah.

Ook.

Ow.

I brought
fried chicken!

Biscuit!
First dibs!



Homer, you have to do more.

Ook?!

I'm getting tired
of your ooks.

I can't do this alone.

Where's your chore list?

Oh, I'm taking
care of that!

It's laminated.

And to make sure I do it...

Hmm?

I've never seen this.

It must've been left
by some previous owner.

Holy moly!

A valuable antique car!

This is the find of a lifetime!



Oh, it's a stick.

Dad, shouldn't we see
who owns the car?

Now, sweetie, according to
the ancient law of trover,

abandoned property passes
to the subsequent landowner.

Man, ever since you watched
Medieval Tomb Robbers

on the History Channel,

everything with you is
trover, trover, trover.

Boy, either show me a writ
of replevin or pipe down.

♪ Chubby dude in a tiny car ♪

♪ Making friends
both near and far ♪

♪ In this little town
he's a shooting star ♪

♪ That's a chubby dude ♪

♪ In a tiny car ♪

♪ From Shelbyville to Zanzibar ♪

♪ It doesn't matter
where you are ♪

♪ There's not a thing
that can com-par ♪

♪ To a chubby dude
in a tiny car. ♪

Aw, the needle's on "E."

Uh, I got something
that works as gasoline.

Daddy's home!
Daddy's home!

Hello, children.

For you, daughter,
a little ragdoll.

For you, son, a Florida orange.

You know, there's something
truly amazing about you, Dad.

Everything's an adventure.

You go to clean the garage

and you find a classic car.

Yes, fortune favors the bald.

Now for the best part:

sharing my great day
with your mom.

Well, if it isn't my favorite
gal in my favorite room.

I'm glad you had a good day.

You don't sound glad.

I'm not glad.

But you said
you were glad.

You need to read
between the lines.

Why? There's just
white space there.

I'm sorry, Homie.

Your life is full
of fun surprises.

My life sucks.

Uh-oh. Tissues?

Oh...

Well, would it help
if I rubbed your back?

Huh? Eh? Uh?

Your hands smell
like steering wheel.

Hmm.

Poor Marge.

What do I do?

Help me, universe!

Jay Leno?
Hiya!

I was just passing
in my 1973 Citroen DS Pallas

when I saw that classic Morgan

with the original wood
dash interior.

Man, I-I'd like to buy it.

You'll have to pay cash
with no questions asked.

How much you want?

I said no questions!

Don't worry,
this car is a piece of art,

going where it will be admired.

To my secret underground
car depository!

It's time for me to do
what I do best:

prolong this marriage.

You wanted a good
surprise, Marge?

You've got it.

We are going on
the trip of our lives.

Really? Where?

I'll be right back.

Let your imagination
run wild.

Hey, Homer.

And you are...?
Jay Leno.

Hey, do you still have that
money I gave you for the car?

Sure do.

Well, uh, I'm gonna
need it back.

But I just
promised my wife...

Homer, I've collected
hundreds of antique cars

on the theory that they don't
make 'em like they used to.

Well, I just bought
this new Toyota.

Turns out it's much better.

I can go to the store
and make it all the way back,

it doesn't break down once.

Imagine that?
Geez.

Yeah.

Here's your money back.

Can I have my car?

Unfortunately, when
I went to register it,

it wasn't your car.

So the-the police took it.

♪ Chubby cop in a tiny car ♪

♪ Going to the nearest
cop bar... ♪

Well, see ya.

Unbelievable!
It opens from here.

The age we live in!

I've decided where
I want to go.

Um, ooh, the trolley
at the mall?

No, Paris!

The most romantic city
in the world.

Paris?

What am I gonna do?

A travel agent!

Oh, thank God
you're not obsolete yet.

And a good morning
to you, sir.

Here's the problem.

I've disappointed
my wife so many times,

I can't do it once more.

I see.

So I have to take her and
our three kids to Paris.

But here's the challenge:
I have no money.

Uh, let me see
what I can do.

Anything coming up?

No, it's not plugged in.

The noise helps me think.

All right.

There is a way...

but it is a tad risky.

Would you consider
being a casual courier?

You mean not like the fancy guys
that ride the bicycles...

Let me explain.

The mob-- I mean,
the courier company--

will pay airfare
and hotel,

and all you have to do
is deliver a package.

But... you cannot look
inside the package.

Sure. For Marge, I will make
the supreme sacrifice

of not doing something.

That's the "package."

What package?

The package
you're delivering.

Ooh.

And the clients have
asked me once more

to remind you
not to look inside.

Hey, buddy, I didn't
start doing this yesterday!

I started doing it
right now.

Uh... the package?

Hmm.

Paris!

I can't believe it!

Homer Simpson,

just when I think you have
nothing left to offer,

you whisk me to the birthplace
of existentialism.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

it's an 11-hour flight

and I have to
visit the "Louvre."

Can't see the movie now.

Everything's great.

Absolutely great.

Yet, there's something
in that briefcase

and it could get us in trouble.

My mind's running wild.

And you're not supposed
to run on an airplane.

Oh, that's it, I have
to open the briefcase.

Oh, what a cute,
blue sna...

Okay, first thing,
I've gotta figure out

if it can breathe in there.

D'oh!

Hmm. Better try the other eye.

D'oh!

Okay, maybe
the first eye again.

What the...?

I found it.

It's an Amazon
Blue Constrictor.

Ooh, it's a very rare
and endangered species.

Oh, the trip
of a lifetime.

I can't break her heart.

Well, you can't let anything
bad happen to that snake.

I promise.

And you have to
promise to preserve

another endangered
species... my marriage.

I promise.

Oh, for the first time,
a snake has ruined paradise.

I'll get the luggage.

Marge, you and
the kids grab a cab.

A Parisian cab.

Taxi. Taxi.

Taxi.

Are you casual courier
Homer Simpson?

I am.

Here is your money.

Finally. I've been
here for two minutes.

Listen, what's gonna happen
to, uh, the package?

Oh, it will have
a fine home.

A wonderful home.

As the belt around the waist
of a well-dressed woman.

I am not gonna let you
hurt that snake!

You have to say "Lisa, catch"
before you throw it.

Come on.

Where did they go?

Maybe we shouldn't have stopped
for that seven-course meal.

Oh, maybe we should just
have six, like peasants!

So, back home we call this
the tire fire.

Man, look at
those gargoyles.

That's from back when
religions still knew

how to scare the
crap out of you.

Homie, I have to ask.

Why are you carrying
that briefcase?

I just brought
a little work.

You don't even bring
your work to work.

I'm sorry. I just
want this family

to have one trip
that's great.

Not like Australia
or Brazil, Japan, London,

China, that World's Fair
Bart drove to,

that place with
the underground jockeys...

So, Dad, what are you
gonna do with the snake?

...Itchy and
Scratchy Land,

outer space...

Lisa, I've come
to understand

a snake's natural habitat
is not a briefcase.

So I'm going
to set him free.

Oh, may I suggest the
gardens of the Louvre?

They're filled with delicious rats.

It's a shame Lisa
and your father had

that errand and
couldn't join us.

But on the upside...

More pâté please!

Vraiment?
You want more pâté?

Yes, before my cruelty-
free daughter shows up.

Perhaps madam
would like to order

from our extra
cruelty menu.

We have a coq Au vin made
from an old rooster

who was kicked to death in front
of his wife and children.

Very nice.

On second thought,
I'll just have a salad.

Ah, très bien.

Gilles, gouge the eyes
out of some new potatoes!

Ugh, I can't stand to
look at this anymore.

Bart, can you ditch this
in the alley for me?

Hmm.

Starving models.

Well, Bart Simpson never met

a beautiful woman
he couldn't prank.

Dad, I love being on a caper
in France with you.

Well, this is gonna be a snap.

All we need is
to get our tickets

from this automatic
French ticket dispenser.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!

Votre billet.

Dad, you just bought
a ticket to Argenteuil.

Prochain client,
s'il vous plaît.

Stop speaking French,
damn you!

Die Maschine nicht zu schlagen!

Yes, sir.

Here, skinny, skinny.

Here, skinny,
skinny.

I've never been happier.

Okay, you're free.

Now, remember to respect
this ecosystem.

Come on, go.

You'll be a snake
that lives in Paris.

It's a children's book
that writes itself.

Not so fast!

How did you find us?

All tourists come
to the Louvre.

Hey, it's got great paintings.

Oh, yeah? Name two.

Uh... uh...

Uh...

Don't patronize us!

You make belts from snakes.

We treat our high
fashion animals

in the most
humane manner.

You're monsters.

True, but that is just
a part of who we are.

We are also poets.

Communists.

Experts on mustard.

They're gone!

If we want to be criminals,

we should keep
a better eye on people.

It's really not that hard.
Do not worry.

There is one surefire way
to find the Americans.

Marco!

Polo!

I say, "Marco!"

Polo!

Dad, control yourself.

I got it.

Marco!

Polo! Oh, he tricked me.

Marco! Marco! Marco! Marco!

Polo!

Now what are we gonna
do with the snake?

We'll just have
to keep him with us.

What is it, Lisa?

Do you see a
Burger King?

We're at rue des Lombards,

home of the three most famous
jazz clubs in Paris.

What do you think, Dad?

Just pull the rope, please.

How old are you?

Eight.

Très bien.

We need a doctor!

And someone who
can play saxophone!

Oh, which is which?!

I'll show you.

I've never been happier.

Plastered in Paris.

There's no better feeling.

Marge, there's something
I need to tell you.

That briefcase.

I knew it was trouble.

Yes, this is
my Battle of Essling.

Unless Napoleon had a more
famous defeat I'm not aware of.

I've been smuggling this
snake this whole trip.

But it was the only way
I could pay for it,

and you wanted
to go so badly.

And besides, those French
crooks couldn't catch anybody.

There they are!
No, no bridge!

We'll have to board
a Bateau Mouche.

A little champagne, some
dancing, and then...

They're gone again!

This joie de vivre
is killing us.

Man, I never thought
I'd be so glad

to get back to our own
arrondissement.

Ooh-la-la-la-la.

You have despoiled
our supermodels,

let an American perform
with a French combo,

and stolen these poor
gentlemen's snake.

Well, I guess this is the point
that comes in every vacation

where I say... run! Run!

Okay, don't run.

Better cuff this one.

No snake!

What's on the desk?

Just a few dozen urgent messages
from someone called "Grampa."

This one says the cat
is eating his toast.

I have no time
for cats and toast.

Search the room.

We have searched their room
from armoire to bidet.

Eh, no snake.

Maybe we were
wrong about you.

Let's see if the police
dogs can do anything.

I keep telling you
they're worthless.

But they're
so damn cute.

All right, Simpsons,
I apologize.

As for you,
set the dogs on them.

Prepare to have
your ankles nipped!

I just want to say
that before we came,

our family was falling apart
like your European Union.

But just a few days
in your wonderful country,

and now we're better
than ever.

All is forgiven, my friends.

Enjoy la douce France.

And now something we should have
done the moment we met you.

Come on, you guys
kiss like grandmas.

Get in there.

I don't know how we did it,

but we finally lucked
into a great vacation.

In Paris, a lady
makes her own luck.

Now my favorite part
of each trip.

The gifts I brought back
for my friends.

For Carl,
a French Coca-Cola.

Ah, très chic.

For Lenny, a miniature
Empire State Building.

We had a layover in New York.
Wow.

And for Moe, a belt made
out of a blue snake.

Artificial, I think.

Thank you.

Ook.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Shh!