The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 19 - Fland Canyon - full transcript

Take that, kite-eating tree.

♪ The Simpsons 27x19 ♪
Fland Canyon
Original Air Date on April 24, 2016

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Morning!

D'oh!

♪ Go to sleep ♪

♪ Little Marge ♪

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ Start to yawn ♪

♪ You will wake up
with the dawn. ♪

♪ Dawn... ♪



♪ Dawn... ♪

♪ Dawn... ♪

Large fries.

Yes, sir.

♪ Dawn... ♪

Did you get the baby to sleep?

D'oh!

Oh, no.

Oh, I can't read that again.

I hate to see
a wolf get punished

for having normal appetites.

I'll tell you a story
that'll put you to sleep.

It's one your mother told me.

Luann Van Houten
uses flavored Crisco



instead of butter
for shortbread cookies.

Which is,
apparently, flakier,

but at what cost?

And she...

Wh...? Huh?

What the... ?

Okay, sweetie, I got a story

about another little girl

who got lost in the woods,

but it wasn't a girl,

and it wasn't the woods.

Suck, suck, indeed.

And it all happened
once upon a time,

before you were born,

and my chances for a man cave

went out the window.

Bless you all for sacrificing
your Saturday afternoon

to help us clean up skid row.

When God came for Sunday,
I said nothing.

Now he comes for Saturday.

Homer Simpson, it's one thing
to moan and groan on the bus,

but in front
of these unfortunates,

well,
that just curls my 'stache.

Hey, Flanders,
why don't you take some advice

from your Bible and zip it?

Oh, where does
the Bible say zip it?

It's the first thing the
burning bush said to Moses.

Thank you for teaching
us Scripture.

Thank you.

You know,
all this helping others

is giving me the most
satisfying feeling ever.

So satisfying.

Uh, Lenny...

Oh, huh.

I get why they do it.

Totally get it.

Hey, Carl, you want to buy
all my stuff for five dollars?

Well, thank you all
for spending the day

thinking of others
instead of yourselves.

Saturday.
It was a Saturday.

Now, a reward to the
most selfless cleaner:

A family vacation
to the Grand Canyon.

The winner: Ned Flanders.

Surprise, surprise.

The guy that did
the best job wins.

Mm-hmm!

But this gift certificate

is for two families.

Hey, Reverend, we'd love it if
you and Helen would join us.

Um... uh... uh...

Mm...

Of course we'd love
to join you,

but I've noticed
that you and Homer

haven't been the
friendliest "neighboreenos,"

if you get my diddly.

Uh, well, Ned, I think
the Lord would want you

to take the Simpsons
on this trip.

Our Lord?

Yes. Our Lord.

For would it not
indeed be glorious,

if in visiting a natural chasm,

two quarrelsome neighbors
would bridge the chasm

of their own discord.

Well, I guess if Job
could accept his burdens.

Uh, in America,

it's pronounced "job,"
Flanders.

We can settle it
when we're zipped up

together in a sleeping bag.

Welcome aboard.

Oh, oh, we'd love to go,

but is it such a good idea
to travel with another family?

It's fun.
We travel with the Hibberts

all the time.

We ran into you once,
in Cincinnati.

And we had dinner.

We slid our tables together.

We were in a booth
we could not get out of.

Homie, we should go.

You and Ned need
to learn to get along.

You said the same thing
about me and Bart.

No. The judge said the same
thing about you and Bart.

Judges. If they were any
good they'd be lawyers.

Okay, we'll go.

But if Flanders
gets so annoying

that I can't
take it anymore,

the code word is octopus.

Can it be something else?

I don't like things
with hidden beaks.

Octopus or nothing.

Okay.

So we took eight-year-old Bart,

and six-year-old Lisa.

After ten hours of driving,

I finally saw the most
glorious site.

Ah... ah... ah...

Ah... ah...

Ah...

Ah, ah, ah...

Ah... oh... oh, oh, yeah.

Ah... ah... yeah.

Ah.

Oh.

It's like Disneyland
for thin people.

Did you know that the Grand
Canyon was created by erosion?

And before 1871,
it was called Big Canyon?

Okay, that's it.

We're on vacation.

Why, you little...

Whoa.

Keep 'em coming, boy.

Oh, ooh.

That one stung me.

Ow.

That's enough.

Aw.

We're here to enjoy
ourselves.

If you just turn
your head slightly,

I think you'll be
pleasantly surprised.

No time.
Homer.

Wow. Wow.

And they say we're running
out of room for our garbage.

♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪

♪ Over the hills
and everywhere ♪

♪ Go tell it
on the mountain ♪

♪ That Jesus Christ
is born ♪

♪ Born, born, born, born ♪

♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪

Octopus. Octopus.

Oct-ar-pus.

A vacation with Flanders?

That's like telling you
a bedtime story without a beer.

Now, where were we?

Thank you, ma'am.
Eh.

Thank you.
Eh.

Mm-hmm.

Am I such a terrible mother

that my son doesn't even know

to say thank you to a waitress?

Come on, honey.
What do you say?

You want me to lie and say I'm
thankful for chicken and veg

when I wanted whiskey-
battered bourbon bangers?

Just say thank you.

My boy never said thank you.

Now he's on death row.

Was on death row.

Daddy, when will the noise stop?

Hmm. Take these.

Ugh. Those were earplugs.

Wow, I never thought there'd
be something I'd want

to stare at longer than that
car wreck on the way here.

We've got to hurry before
they run out of mules.

Ooh. Is that what they're
serving for breakfast?

How about donkeys?

No.

Huh? That's odd.

Enjoying your moon view, Homer?

Why you little...

Two can play at that game.

Stupid kid.

So embarrassing.

I'm a little nervous

with all these waivers
we have to sign.

Marge, this is a national park.

People are completely safe here.

Now let's do my favorite thing:

go downhill.

Whoa.
You're 180?

My blood pressure is.

Okay. Uh, let's get
you a mule, dude.

Oh...

Get me El Gordo.

Gordo here used to carry

200-pound granite blocks

up from the canyon.

This has got to be
the most beautiful thing

we've ever stole
from the Indians.

What is that?

A billionaires' retreat.

Yeah, the heads of America's

most powerful media companies

have come to enjoy nature.

Put up the cell phone tower.

I said I wanted
a Tom Cruise type,

not Tom Cruise.

Burn down the
cell phone tower.

I can't stand rich people.

Can I name my mule?

We prefer you don't.

Is there a name
for this trail?

I'm sure there is.

Is this a fun job?

Not at the moment.

Do you count as a grownup?

My parents don't think so.

You're a grownup to me.

Thanks.

Here, have a piece
of the canyon.

Are you sure it's okay?

Hey, it only makes
the canyon grander.

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

I don't know where your
son gets it, Marge.

I'm only going
to say this once,

but I think you're
a little checked out.

Checked out. Checked out.

Checked out. Checked out.
Checked out.

Checked out. Checked out.

Checked out.

Well, your kids
aren't exactly perfect.

Yay! We can improve.

Let's think
about it quietly.

Boy, I bet that mustache
smells really bad, huh?

Oh, don't you rip
on my lip strip.

I smell candles
and-and pew polish.

We're near a church.

Catholic, if I
don't miss my guess.

Hmm.

A little Popish for my taste,

but I did come here
for adventure.

Geez, Flanders, you find
God in everything.

God is in everything.

He's omnipresent.

You mean, if I check into
the Omni Hotel right now,

he's there?

As a matter of fact, he is.

Then, from now on,
we're staying

at the Hyatt Regency.

You're banned there, Dad.

Not as Hagwar Swanson.

I love this country.

Are you sure
this is safe?

Totally. You're with
State Farm, right?

Where's our guide?

Where's the trail?

Aw.

Big Maggie.

I'd like to hear the rest.

I still have my piece
of the canyon.

Ugh.

Okay. It was looking rough...

Oh, no bars.

You mean,
on your phone?

Hey, you're right.

Oh, more bad news.

Oh, most of the food
was on the guide's mule.

I sure am glad somebody

packed all this whitefish salad.

I'm willing to eat some.

And if I die, you know it's bad.

Homer, it's time for you and
me to go out and get help.

Please be careful,
Uncle Ned.

I will, Bart.

Please, please
be careful.

Don't worry.

If you don't come back,
I'll be so sad.

Excuse me?
What about over here?

Right.

Please, please be careful.

Please.

Let's go, Flanders.

Oh, no. The poor thing
gets night terrors.

I forgot to say
"God bless the mailman."

He's not awake,
but he's not asleep.

Do your kids get these?

I will now that I know
what they are.

Other kids say I'm
in their nightmares.

I'm not your puppet, Bart.
I'm not.

You ever seen stars
this bright, Homer?

Blessed is the beauty
of our Lord.

Amen. Listen, Flanders.

This trip has given me
time to think.

If I die here,

you're welcome to live
in my carcass for warmth.

I'm not living
in your carcass.

Oh, come on.

You make it sound
like a bad thing.

Look, we're saved!

We just go down there,
get some food and help

returning to civilization.

Attention, people talking.

Unless you are here
to dispose of our poop,

we will start shooting
in five minutes.

How is that even camping?

It's easier for a camel

to pass through
the eye of a needle

than a rich man
to get into heaven.

Sometimes I just
don't get it.

What I'm saying is,
the eye of the needle

is very small,
and a camel...

No. I mean down there--

they have everything
we need to survive,

but they won't share.

Maybe if I look through

these binoculars one more time,

I'll-I'll see
something better.

We've got to go in
and steal what we need.

Well, thou shalt not steal.

But if I don't steal,
that's coveting.

That's bad, too.

Look, Flanders,
we tried things your way,

and it failed.

Now let's try mine.

Okay.

W-Wait!

We never did things my way.
Too late.

I'm already rolling downhill.

Ow, sharp rock.

Ooh, cactus!

More scorpions.

Is that all you can do? Sting?

Now they're pinching.

Easy, Flanders,
don't make a sound.

Okay, here.

Come on, take this.

Oh, I got it.

Oh, it's heavy.

Ready to go.

Uh, we're too heavy.

Toss off what
we don't need.

Fine. We can do
without salad forks.

Whoo-hoo!

♪ No sugar tonight
for the coffee ♪

♪ No sugar tonight
for their tea ♪

♪ We took all their
fancy cheeses ♪

♪ And their tasty charcuterie ♪

Trout solo!

♪ Ba-da-ta-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Ba-da-ta-da-da-da ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Ba-da-dee-doo-da-da. ♪

Grand Canyon! Yeah!

You know, Homer,
we make a good team.

Homer?

Breakfast time.

Come and get it!

Come and get it!

Come and...

Ugh. Not again.

Tablecloths.

Caviar.

Bacon!

Bacon.

No, this was before
Lisa was a vegetarian.

That's right. I had the
arteries of a 20-year-old.

I'm gonna miss you, pal.

Well, Homer,

you think this will be
one of those vacations

where the friendship
we made will last forever

or start eroding the minute
we enter our cars?

Flanders, like all
friendships between men,

in the end it's
up to our wives.

Mm-hmm.

That was a nice story, Homer.

You know, sometimes
I wish this

grand canyon between us,

uh, wasn't so large.

The offer still stands.

You can live in my carcass.

There's room in my legs
for the boys.

Maybe we could just
store old clothes in you.

I'd like that.

And you know what, Flanders?

I think we owe
you guys a trip.

Always wanted to visit
the postcard museum.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

I wonder if they sell
postcards in the gift shop.

We don't.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Shh!