The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 18 - How Lisa Got Her Marge Back - full transcript

♪ The Simpsons 27x18 ♪
How Lisa Got Her Marge Back
Original Air Date on April

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

D'oh!

Yech!

Yes!

Oh, China,

is there nothing that can't
be made in you?

Hmm.

Ah, my first sucker.

Oh, a dollar.

Now I can have lunch.



Hmm?

It's a trick!

I never needed these.

Oh, lookie here,

it's the ol' fishing line
on a dollar bill prank.

Man, even a backwoods,
no account, inbred,

lead-paint-eating,
kerosene-huffing,

roadkill-chomping, um,
what was my point?

That is a practical joke, Luann.

Which is too bad, because I
desperately need that dollar.

I could also use the
fishing line to get some dinner.

Bart, if Milhouse is
hiding with you,

tell him he has to shop for
school clothes.

Yay! School clothes.



This isn't right, no one's
falling for my pranks.

Huh!

At least it wasn't
a total waste.

I found a quarter.

Well, we sure got him good.

Duh, what a moron, duh.

I sure wish Archie
was alive to see it.

Duh...

It's Thursday night,
and that can only mean,

counter-intuitively, football!

From London's Wembley Stadium,

the Jacksonville Jag-u-ars
and Tampa Bay "Bucs"

vie for Florida
bragging rights.

Does not
include Miami.

♪ When you're not happy ♪

♪ Watching your Downton Abbey ♪

♪ You can always see ♪

Oh!

♪ Football ♪

♪ Not British Football ♪

♪ But American Football ♪

♪ Which has higher scores ♪

♪ Touchdown. ♪

If these U.K. clichés
are any indication,

we are in for one
gobsmacking match.

To see or not to see.
That is no question.

Dad, I'm worried.

No one is falling
for my pranks anymore.

Son, I know this seems

like the biggest disappointment
of your life, but trust me,

there are going to be
so many more.

What you've got to
remember is-- oh, my God,

13 men in the field!

Review it, review it,
review it.

Yes! Play stands!

Here comes the airplane!

Zhoop!

Thanks to your late
football-watching,

you missed breakfast.

Eh, don't worry, Marge,
I'll make my own.

Meh.

Mom, I've been working on
a new solo jazz piece.

Can I hear it?

Oh, I'd love to stay and listen,
but I'm late for work.

Here's another super-fan to hear
you lay down your licks.

Brava.

I knew you'd like it.

Hey, I am too young
to be over the hill.

Lucky for me, there's
a Ralph born every minute.

Hey, Ralph, how about a napkin?

Do I look stupid?

Mmm! Wall licorice.

Aah!

Marge, nothing says
"I'm sorry" better than flowers.

Except for fundamental
behavioral change,

but you can't buy that
at the supermarket.

They do smell nice.

Hey, Dad, want to hear
my solo?

I added a few
variations today.

Of course I would.

Okay.
Aw, my reed is split.

I'll be right back.

I've already heard
Lisa's song once.

I've had a long day,
and to be completely honest,

I really can't stand jazz.

What about when
Lisa plays it?

All the same. Ugh.

Sounds great, honey.

So, you really don't like jazz?

I never realized we have
so much in common.

And scat-singing.

She-bee-bee-dee-dee-diddly-bop-
dee-do I give a darn?

So, all these years,
you've been lying to me?

Be-beep-ba-boop-boop.

So, let's get it all out here.

Mom, you were only pretending
to like it this morning

when I played
My Funny Valentine.

That was My Funny Valentine?
Hoo-boy.

Wouldn't expect you to get it.

So busy juggling
three children,

you don't even notice when
one is hanging by a thread,

a thread you just cut forever!

Lisa, this a family.

You do not take that tone
with another family member.

You tell 'em, butterbean.

Shut up, idiot.

Lisa, honey, you're hurt,
but hurting me back

is not going to feel
as good as you think.

Just know that I am
very, very sorry.

Hmm!

Hmph!

Mm...

Hmm...

Mm!

Hm!

Good night, Marjorie.

Marjorie.

She called me "Mar-jo-rie."

So? Bart calls me Homer.

You know that's out
of disrespect.

Dis-respect?

Is that a word?
Yes.

And there's this guy at work
that calls me Hoss.

What's that all about?

This is awful.

Lisa and I have
always been so close.

Now, for your first day
at school,

you get what
my mother gave me.

Pearls?

Just like Mommy's.

Dad, is there anything
you pass along?

Predilection for kidney stones.

What if Lisa doesn't want
to be friends with me anymore?

Marge, it's not your job to be
friends with your kids,

it's my job.
Good night, sweetie.

Oh, uh, Bart and I

are gonna see an
R-rated movie Saturday.

It has boobs,
but they're elf boobs.

Is that cool?

Hmm. I guess.

So long, whoopee cushion.

Ah, good old
peanut brittle.

What the...?

A coiled wire spring covered by
a snake-patterned vinyl sheath?

Lisa, our weekend in Capital
City will make us friends again.

I don't see your saxophone.

That must be a relief to you.

Honey, I want you to bring it.

Sure, should I grab
some Kenny G CDs too?

Some Chuck Mangione?

That would be lovely!

Oh, I-I get it, they're popular,
so you don't like them.

Just please get your sax.

Airport shuttle?

Yes, I'm going on a trip
with a special little girl.

That baby is adorable.

Oh, it's not the baby.

Great, now I've got
both daughters mad at me.

May I say that you sound
like a terrible mother?

But no one ever cares what
the shuttle bus driver thinks.

"Take me to terminal four,"
they say.

Actually, we're
at terminal three.

Arguing with everyone
today, aren't you?

Okay, we'll see you
on Monday, Homer.

I'm feeling really sad too, Dad.

Nothing cheers people
up like a baby.

Hey!

Boy, we each have to do our
part, and I'm gonna make dinner.

And I'm gonna start with...

Ice cream!

Come back!

Don't make me jog.

Why is your father chasing
after the spay and neuter van?

You got me.

What do I do with you?

Hey, this is fun.

Wow. Wow!

I like having a sister.

Helps that you
don't say anything.

I wonder how you are at pranks.

We're not worthy.
We're not worthy.

I'm back!

Don't drop that angel.

Hi, folks, and welcome to the
Capital City Dream Tour.

If you're here for the
Capital City Crime Tour,

that leaves in 20 minutes.

Let's wave to that to that
ordinary hot dog vendor.

Wow, he's anything but ordinary.

You know, I wouldn't
be surprised

if he turned up one of Capital
City's Broadway-caliber shows.

There's got to be something here

that'll calm down
little yellow pill.

♪ Here comes Paul ♪

♪ To guard the mall ♪

♪ But when will he
fall in love? ♪

♪ Hey, G.I. Jane ♪

♪ Let's make it plain ♪

♪ How do you train for love? ♪

♪ Men in black ♪

♪ We'll state a fact ♪

♪ The thing that
you lack is love. ♪

I always like when a black guy
teams up with a white guy.

It gives us hope.

That's the show for Lisa.

She'll love it!

The Bad News Bears?

Is there nothing so beautiful

that they won't keep exploiting
till it's worthless?

Well, they're expensive,

which means if I die,
you're still taking me.

Also, I bought you a little
present from a street vendor.

They're earrings.

He's a cool cucumber, huh?

Mom, I'm really not
into jewelry right now.

You're not wearing
your pearls.

Um, the clasp wasn't working.

I can fix it.

There are some things
that can't be fixed.

What are you saying?

You really don't understand

how much this has hurt me.

Jazz is my thing, and you
said you loved my thing,

but you lied.

You'll have a daughter
someday, too.

And when she yells
at you like that...

she'll be right.

Oh, who can sit
with their back turned

as their mother is crying?

A jazz musician, that's who.

Well, you guys understand.

Don't look at me,
I'm a pity present.

I'm just glad
I'm not in a salad.

Oh Grand Papa,
es muy glamouroso.

Solo lo mejor para my princesa.

Why didn't I get in the
quinceañera game years ago?

Uh, excuse me, sir,

I have three sisters turning 15.

Oh boy.

Can you hold baby Maggie here,

while I check out las tiaras
para la quinceañera?

Oh, a cute little rugrat like
that? You betcha.

Hey, look at ol' Gil
holding a baby.

I'm not even dropping it.

Oh! Why did I say that?

Now it's all I can think about.

Oh, every time I get a great
job, I drop a baby.

If I can just get her
to share an armrest,

that would be a start.

Hmm...

♪ A ragtag bunch of misfits ♪

♪ And a no-goodnik rub-a-dub ♪

♪ How can I make them winners ♪

♪ In baseball ♪

♪ And at love? ♪

Hm.

♪ Corey Leak is a hip-shakin',
rule-breakin' bad boy ♪

I'm a bad boy.

♪ But I've got a crush
on Amanda, so ♪

♪ I will mend my roughish ♪

♪ Way... ♪

♪ s-ah! ♪

Oh.

Here comes the tying run.

Tie, Corey, tie.

You're out!

♪ To you, I'm out ♪

♪ But to me, I'm home ♪

♪ Time for the ♪

♪ Show stopper ♪

Yeah!

♪ The big cork popper ♪

Lisa, you're gonna have to
admit it,

your mom has
the bad taste of...

well, a mom.

I'm gonna have to mother
myself.

You quit complaining,
and pretend you like it.

I knew she'd come around.

What's all this nonsense?

Quit clapping,
I've got a hangover.

♪ We'll win the game ♪

♪ Of love! ♪

Exit to your left.

That's too tight, Bill.

Wonderful.

Did it do it for you too?

Not yet.

Stand back.
I said stand back.

Who are you?

Oh, you were our
star tonight.

That's a performance
I'll never forget.

So what are you
sophisticated ladies up to next?

Well, I thought we might
have an after show nosh

at the Penny Loafer.

Invitation noted and accepted.

Well, good,

because getting a table for
three is so much easier.

Hey! You're not Nathan Lane!

Here he comes.

Aw, don't worry, Bart Jr.,

Daddy will get that for you.

Why you little...

Dad, no! You're gonna
strangle a baby!

Oh my God.

That would've been horrible.

Why you little...

Turning...

a sweet little baby...

into a you!

Bart, you're a great kid,

but if I had
another one like you,

I'd hang myself
from a highway overpass.

Please, give your sister
the precious gift

of not being you.

Okay, Dad.

Mags, it was fun
while it lasted.

Huh? Ha! I didn't know
it was that easy.

Stop that!

Sideshow Bob!

So, Lisa, think
we'll see any stars?

Mom, it's a tourist trap.

Celebrities don't actually
come in here.

Until today, right?

Well, you never know.

I'll ask the hostess
if anyone's expected.

Aw, she keeps doing this.

I'm sorry, what?

Every time she tries to
fix things between us,

it just emphasizes
how different we are.

For what it's worth,
my mom loved your show tonight.

She pretty much sees
the best in everything.

Amazing, really,

considering she has a husband
who randomly shows up to work,

a son who, God bless him, is
probably heading for the chair.

And an ungrateful little girl

who ignores her mother's frantic
attempts at reconciliation,

and tells family secrets
to a total stranger.

A total stranger
The New York Times calls

"a charming presence."

You don't know me at all!

But hardly anybody likes jazz.

Why should I expect my mom to?

That's right, you have to see
the other side.

The one that always
makes you wrong.

Mom.

Mom, I can't stay mad at you.

I'm putting my pearls back on.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

And I apologize for
expressing my sincere feelings.

Why don't you show us
what you got, Lisa?

That's right,
I learned your name.

It's not all about me,
Andrew Rannells.

20 bucks for
ten minutes with the sax.

Hey, that little turd can play.

I'm just getting warmed up.

♪ Don't tell me not live ♪

♪ Just sit and putter ♪

♪ Life's candy and the sun's ♪

♪ A ball of butter ♪

♪ Don't bring around a cloud ♪

♪ To rain on my parade ♪

My parade.

Sorry.

♪ Don't tell me not to fly ♪

♪ I simply got to ♪

♪ If someone takes a spill, ♪
it's me, and not you ♪

♪ Who told you you're allowed
to rain on my parade ♪

♪ Get ready for me, Love ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a "comer" ♪

♪ I simply got to march ♪

♪ My heart's a drummer ♪

♪ Nobody, no ♪

♪ Nobody ♪

♪ Is gonna rain on ♪

♪ My parade... ♪

Well, what do you think?

My golden girl.

Straight ahead is the the
19th Street Liquor Store,

the epicenter of the 1967 riots,

which never fully stopped.

Ahead is the high rise

where State Senator Wilcox
was shot in mid-air,

as he plummeted to his death.

Best trip of my life.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Shh!