The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 17 - The Burns Cage - full transcript

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like you always do.

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♪ The Simpsons ♪

(grunts)

(exclaiming)

(school bell ringing)

(Barney belches)



(playing the blues)

(tires screeching)

D'oh!

(tires screeching)

(grunts)

(Homer humming)

(chuckles)

What? What?!

Hey!

Up your... Oh, sorry.

Yes, sir.

Who are these guys?

(phone dings)
Meh?

♪ The Simpsons ♪



Sir, please, don't do this!

Oh, stop your Smithering.

(gasps)

That was easy.

I did it.

All by myself.

Oh, Smithers, do you always
have to be underfoot?

Sorry, sir.

If there were a less spectacular

way to save your life, I...

I should've found it.

♪ You see

♪ This guy

♪ This guy's in love
with you... ♪

Mr. Burns, coming down, I...

I thought we weren't
gonna make it,

and I thought I'd never
get to say something

I've always wanted to.

The truth is, sir,
I'm in love with...

The sound of your own voice?

Yes, well, no dogwood I,

listening to the nightingale
trill her unending tune.

Don't take this the wrong way,
but you mean nothing to me.

Someone I give less thought
to than the little piece

of popcorn stuck in my tooth.

Ooh, can you remove it?

(grunts)

I'll see you back at the office.
Don't be late.

♪

♪ I've lived

♪ Half of my life

♪ Living half of a life

♪ Waiting for U-234

♪ Can't you see the fire

♪ Burning in my core?

♪ Is there a half life
for hope? ♪

♪ I know the answer is,
"Nope" ♪

♪ I've failed at my mission

♪ No fusion, just fission

♪ And now I'm here wishin'

♪ To be

♪ Decommissioned

♪ Have you ever felt down?

♪ Much worse than a meltdown

♪ My heart is covered in

♪ Burns

(gasps)

(gasps)

(sighs)

(sobbing)

Larry, Moe and Curly,
get out here now!

(Homer whooping)

So, you like fun and games?

Well, games can be fun, so, uh,
that's kind of redundant.

Would you like to
rethink the question?

(groans)
Here's a game for you--

properly stack
and store those rods

then perform
a complete turbine

maintenance procedure.

Routine maintenance?

We never do that.

Lots of us never
get to do things.

Yeah, we know.

We heard your song.

(groans)

(piano playing)

Jacqueline Jones,
reading for the part of Ilsa.

Oh, I like this one.

A cool girl.

Plus her father
owns a print shop.

Free playbills.

Four color.

Yeah, yeah, smart. Yes.

I can't fight it anymore.

I ran away from you once.

I can't do it again.

Strange choices.

Maybe that scrunchie's
too tight.

Well, you can
teach acting.

You can't teach popular.

We've got our Ilsa.

Are you sure?
Even by school play standards,

she's terrible.

Skinner, I'm setting down
my clipboard

to signify that
all future auditions

are just a formality.

Lisa Simpson,
reading for the part of Ilsa.

(groans) The egghead?

Pass. Hard pass.

(in accent):
Can I tell you a story?

It's about a girl who came
to Paris and met a man,

a very great and courageous man.

She's good.

Yes, better than
Little Miss Print shop...

and there you are.

Guess what, you've just
been promoted a grade.

(chuckles)

Everything she knew
or ever became

was because of him,

and she looked up to him
and worshipped him

with a feeling
she supposed was love.

(sighs)

That's it!

I'll audition for Rick.

Co-stars are always
falling in love:

Brad and Angelina,
Kermit and Miss Piggy,

Mrs. Brady and Greg.

The role of Ilsa
goes to Lisa.

(gasps)
Yes!

The role I was
anagrammed to play.

And since only one child

auditioned
for the lead role...

I am proud to announce
Rick will be played by...

I'm looking for
a down-on-his-luck heel

named Skinner.

(all gasp)

(groans)

(gasps, moans)

Who are you?

Name's Jack Deforest,

and of all the schools
in all the districts,

I had to get transferred
to this one.

(clicks tongue)

You've got the part.

Well, that fills
out the cast.

Milhouse,
you're the understudy.

Understudy?

Both those words are horrible.

(bird screeches)

Hey guys, my, uh,
head's a little wet

from the
decontamination shower.

Thanks.
De nada.

Let's see how
that thing's working.

(whirring)

(all groan)

Not again!

Bring it back,
get it working,

screw it on tight.

Both screws?

SMITHERS: Yes.
(door slams)

He's chewing our ass
'cause he's unhappy.

What are we
gonna do here?

I know the answer.

We have got to get
that guy a woman.

A woman who can find him a man.

Okay, guys, to get Smithers
off our backs,

I'm gonna find him
a boyfriend

on this.

Homer, I'm a
long-haul trucker,

who's home-straight
and highway-gay,

but, uh, how do you know
about Grinder?

My wife put me on to it.

I was looking for an app
for pepper grinders,

and I found this.

Uh, doesn't Smithers
dig Burns?

Yeah, but Burns
doesn't want Smithers.

Isn't it sad, Marge,
when somebody really,

really, really,
really wants somebody,

and they're sitting
across the bar from you

married to Homer?

Moe, this is why
I don't come here much.

Oh, yeah,
you're right, Marge.

Hey, uh, I'm sorry.

MOE:
Oh, yeah.

(groans)

Can we just find
a boyfriend for Smithers?

Finally, a use
for the Internet.

Hmm, no.

No.

Too smoldering.

Too lumberjack.

Too "look how fun I am."

George Takei?

Click me and we will
boldly go to Yogurtland,

but be warned: I don't care
for people who cling on.

(laughs)

(groans)

Hey, why am I on this?

Well, only one way
to find out.

Swipe.

Maybe we should just
invite them all to a party

and see
who Mr. Smithers likes.

Good idea.

(with dramatic affectation):
Did somebody here swipe me?

Here's five bucks.

Visit my Dad.
Say you're me.

Finally, I'm paid to act.

Tell you what,

if you buy a half-page ad
in the program,

Sam plays "As Time Goes By"
with Hulk hands.

(register dings)
You have a deal.

I'm glad someone's getting
something from this play.

(sighs)

As an understudy,
all I get is to watch

Lisa and Jack fall in love.

Oh, you're still here.

Look, Milhouse,
if anything happens

to that kid playing Rick...

you get the part.

If you catch my drift.

You know I can't catch.

(slurping)

Don't judge me.

Jack, you're amazing.

You're blowing away
everyone else in the play.

(in Peter Lorre voice):
You despise me, don't you?

(in Humphrey Bogart voice):
If I gave you any thought,

I probably would.

(in normal voice):
I'll be in my trailer.

This isn't Fiji water.

Yo, dingus, someone doesn't
want you in that play.

Who let you three gorillas
out of the zoo?

(laughs)

Gorillas.

It's not funny.

(grunting, shouting)

How'd you get the bullies

to take out Jack?

The most powerful bribe
in the world:

a free full-page ad
in the play program.

It's a funny thing about fists,
everyone gets them,

but not everyone gets
the instruction manual.

Oh, no, his mouth wrote checks
his fists could cash!

(gasps)

Someone is using the go-round

for non-merry purposes.

Attention: in Casablanca,
the part of Rick Blaine

will now be played by Milhouse.

Also, the cafeteria
is out of buns,

so for hamburgers
we will now be using

two slices of day-old toast.

That is all.

(crunching loudly)

Where you're going,
I can't...

Line!

Follow!

Sounds weird to me.

"I can't follow."

"I can't follow."

Also, why would Nazis
respect letters of transit

signed by De Gaulle?

I may be pulling on a thread,
but hear me out...

(groans)

Everything looks
great, Marge.

That cheese is
cubed perfectly.

Thank you.

I get queasy when I see

cubes that are cut
on the bias.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, Mr. Smithers.

Come in, come in, come in.

Can I get you
a Tom Collins?

Hello, Tom Collins.

Hmm, I see
what's going on here.

Fix up your boss
so he won't be so hard on you.

Well, nice try.

I want a vodka tonic,
and then I'm gonna leave.

Mr. Collins, would you be
charmed by horror stories

of working
with Bill Shatner?

Uh, who?

I like you already.

You know what?

I don't think that attitude
is the real you.

I believe you have
a pinched nerve in your neck,

and guess what?

You're in luck,
because I give great massage.

Sorry, not interested.

(bones popping)

Wow, wow.

How did you do that?

Would you like to discuss that
over Peruvian tapas?

Simpson, I'm stealing
your bartender.

Take the next
couple days off.

Woo-hoo!

Three day bender!

Are there any gay-themed songs
about celebrating?

♪ Celebrate

♪ Good times, come on

♪ Let's celebrate

Did you used to jog
with Monty?

Mm, sort of.

♪ Come on, let's celebrate

♪ There's a party going on
right here ♪

♪ A celebration to last
throughout the years... ♪

(door opens)

(humming)

Smithers, where have you been?

I'm dictating my autobiography.

Chapter One: A Commotion
at the Telegraph Office.

I'm afraid I have other plans.

There are no other plans.

Now take my picture
for the back cover.

No, sir, I don't think I will.

In fact, what I'm going
to do is...

quit!

(gasps) My God, I did it.

I actually quit.

No one quits me.

(groans)

One more button.

(screams)

You're forgetting
who installed this system.

Ahoy-hoy!

So, you want time off
for your sister's funeral?

(laughs)

Miss Naegle,

release the hounds.

Wh-What do you mean?

Send vicious dogs
to rip him to shreds.

But wouldn't I be
criminally liable?

I said release!

Release, release!

That sounds vaguely sexual.

I'm gonna have to file
a grievance.

Also, let's just see how you've
been treating those hounds.

What the...

Okay, we're gonna have

to shut this all down.

You know, he doesn't
give me health insurance...

and I, uh,
I think I have rabies.

Okay, that's it,
Mr. Burns.

I'm gonna need to speak

to your head
of Human Resources.

It's this guy.

Um... what are you doing?

Oh, sorry.

I used to do that
for Mr. Burns.

Ah, forget about Burns.

Ancient-a history.

I left-a the Italy
40 years ago,

but do you see me-a crying

in my pappardelle rustiche
con salsiccia e porri?

Waylon, just what
did you see in him?

Now to set her down gently
on the golf course.

You're right, totally.

I'm here for you.

Listen, I'm making
a trip to Cuba, okay?

My homeland,
where my accent

is not so reedickoloss.

Come with me to Havana.

(Cuban music plays)

SMITHERS:
W-wait a minute.

I'm... not sure.

But this is the route
we're gonna take.

Oh, what the hell,

this is gonna be
the time of my life.

I'm in!

(crying)

Milhouse is the worst actor
I've ever seen,

and I have to play
opposite him!

He's so bad.

Look at his headshot.

(Marge groans)

Whenever I'm dealing
with someone who

isn't doing a great job,

what I do is treat them
like they're perfect.

(sniffles)
Really?

If they sense
you believe in them,

they'll get better.

Did our taxes, Marge.

The government
owes us $2 million.

That is really, really great,

but maybe
you should check again.

What?

Oh, I... my mistake.

We owe them $37.

That's some nice adding.

Yeah.

(Cuban music playing)

I've done it.

I'm happy.

I'm in a new world

and completely
forgotten about...

(shouts)

What, the buzzard of death?

(gasps)

It reminds you of him!

I'm sorry, sir.

(gasps)

You address me
like I am him.

Everything reminds you
of him!

I bet that mural of him

being driven out
of Cuba in 1959

reminds you of him!

Waylon, I am a man who needs
100% commitment, okay?

Okay, well, maybe not 100,

but at least, like, 20,
you know, which is

the percentage that
your cell phone needs

to stay in the green.

So tell me now, Waylon.

Am I in the green?

(sighs)

I'm afraid not.

(sobbing) Beneath this mask
I am crying.

Everyone who's
replaced Smithers

has been nothing
but trouble.

You're my lawyers,
tell me what to do.

Sir, I think your only option
is to get Mr. Smithers back.

You'll have to give him money.

Lots of money,
but it won't be enough.

(lawyers muttering agreement)

Yes, I suppose
what this calls for

is a personal apology
straight from my heart.

Have it on my desk
first thing tomorrow...

and write yourselves apologies
from me to you

for making you work late,

and they'd better
sound sincere.

You're going to be great.

I already am...

because you just
told me so.

Oh.

(giggles)

Thank you.

So, what brought you
to Casablanca?

I came here for the waters.

There are no waters
in Casablanca.

I was misinformed.

(audience cheers)

Is it just me or is Milhouse
really killing it?

He's like
a young Noah Wylie.

(groans)

If that plane
leaves the ground

and you're not with him,
you'll regret it.

Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow,

but soon and for the rest
of your life.

(audience cheers)

You did it, Marge.

This earns
my highest praise:

get through-able.

Milhouse,
you were incredible.

Maybe that's because...

I'm not Milhouse.

(gasps)

Oh, but,
is Milhouse okay?

Is Milhouse ever okay?

Good point. (laughs)

Now let's go
to the soda fountain

and ask the jerk
for a float with two straws.

What year are you from?

(laughs)

Oh, who cares?

Mr. Burns, Mr. Smithers,

I make-a something
very special for your reunion.

One cheese pizza.

Well, Smithers,
I got here

as soon as I heard
you wanted to meet.

Took something called Uber,
which I thought would be

a Wehrmacht staff car,
but turned out to be a...

(groans)

Prius, driven by a...

(groans)
woman.

Now, down to business.

It's all here.

Everything it'll take
to get him back.

Oh, no, forgot
the Starbucks card.

Is it too late to...

Sir, before you start,

let me say I don't want money,

and I don't want some letter
written by your lawyers.

I want to know
why you want me back.

I see.

Well, the thing is,

you really care about me,
don't you?

Maybe a little, still.

All right, Smithers.

There's one thing
I've never given you.

I kept it bottled up
inside all these years

and here it is...

your performance review.

(gasps)

It's... excellent.

Amazingly, that's enough.

Thank you, sir.

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is just a kiss...

No music!

I heard you serve
10-year-olds.

That's referring to the age
of the pickled eggs,

but, uh, I'll get you a milk.

Mr. Smithers,
why do guys do

such stupid things
when it comes to dames?

Hey, you been talking
to that weird Bogart kid?

He came around here
trying to talk me

into an expedition
to find some gold.

Yeah, so I'm getting
the mules.

Let me tell you about dames,
Milhouse.

I know nothing about them,
but as for love,

what keeps you going
is the thrill of the chase.

The possibility
that one day you

might get what you want,
even though the reality is

you probably never will.

That's why I don't
chase dames.

Just gold.

I'll be back in six months

with one-third
of the biggest treasure

you ever saw.

(Theme from The Treasure
of the Sierra Madre plays)

Shh!

You've just watched
The Simpsons.

Now here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.

Welcome to the toughest
challenge of your life.

Four decorated heroes--

(trigger cocks,
gunshot)

will train 16 civilians--

-(horn blows)
-Whoo!

just like they were military.

Let's go!
Get down here now!

-John Cena hosts
a team competition--
-ALL: Booyah!

where you're only as strong
as your weakest link.

We would have been better off
without you there.

-You give up--
-I'm-a stop this now.

You will be pushed!

-you go home.
-WOMAN: No, no, no!

American Grit. April 14 on Fox.