The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 12 - Much Apu About Something - full transcript

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(gasps): What?
(Battle Hymn of the Republic playing)
Isn't he magnificent?
I guess.
ANNOUNCER: Tired of the same old monuments?
BOTH: You bet we are!
Come to Springfield.
We have more handicapped parking spots
for fat guys than any non-Chicago city,
and at this year's Founder's Day Parade
we will unveil our new state-of-the-art statue
of Jebediah Springfield.
(fanfare plays)
(robotic whirring)
I founded Springfield in 1796...
(giggles) ...Billy.
Wow, he's so interactive.
Here's a coupon for one cheese pizza at
(imitating Luigi): Luigi's on-a Main-a Street.
FAST-TALKING ANNOUNCER: Artist's conception of the original statue design,
which is not the actual statue design.
Your statue may vary.
BART AND LISA: Can we see the statue?
Please, Dad.
Can we? Can we? Can we?
It's not gonna be as good as you think.
Nothing ever is.
But it gets us out of the house.
ALL: Can we? Can we? Can we?
Oh, wait, I'm me. Sure!
(marching band playing "Stars and Stripes Forever")
This is my favorite part of the parade,
coming to the Kwik-E-Mart to laugh at the losers
who forgot to bring parade supplies!
Which reminds me, we need parade supplies.
Parade jerky.
Get your parade jerky.
Beef, turkey or pork.
It all tastes like a delicious shoe tongue.
Ah, one tube of sunblock.
That will be $30.
Once again, keeping the bald man down.
I do have a Philadelphia 76ers hat
that you could wear for free.
I'll pay! I'll pay!
Leading the parade is the new Jebediah Springfield statue
that local wags have already dubbed "Quimby's Folly."
(squeaking)
(Quimby's voice): Er, uh, I am Jebediah Springfield,
brought to you by Springfield Auto Lube.
Chuck, Ernie, and Arturo are there for you.
(crowd booing)
This ad was a bad call, man.
KENT: And now, here comes our brand-new SWAT tank.
NEWSWOMAN: This expensive urban pacification vehicle
was funded by Homeland Security.
Gaze in wonder at America's debt!
We love you, Officer Puff 'n' Stuff.
(laughing): Ah!
Thank you!
And now Springfield's true heroes,
our volunteer fire department.
Wait, what? (siren wailing)
(horn honking)
Hey! Hey!
This is the one good thing I do.
(Krusty laughs)
♪
♪ You're simply the best...
CROWD: Ooh, ooh!
Lousy chili cookers!
Grabbing all our glory!
All right, calm down, Chief.
I heard a couple of "oohs" but that's it.
ALL: Ah! Ah!
Ahs?! Oh, that's grand theft thunder.
Hey, cops, does SWAT stand for short, wide and tubby?
I'm not sure, but I doubt it.
Hmm! (chuckling)
(Homer gasps)
(sputtering)
All right, you pole-sliders asked for it.
(Bart laughs)
(grunts)
Chief, what are you doing?
I'm gonna hit 'em so hard
their Dalmatian loses its spots, ha!
Uh, they're-they're coming at us!
Release our fiercest weapon--
foam.
(band members screaming)
Who wants juice?
Who needs juice?
(panting): Nobody!
I-I can't control this thing.
Let me drive.
Okay, okay, I'm stuck in a hole.
Oh, we're headed for the Kwik-E-Mart.
Someone call the police!
Before I die, I would like to know
just what is in these nudie magazines.
What is it, brother?
An interview with Jim Gaffigan.
(tires screeching)
We are still alive.
Oh, there is a gods!
I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it.
You can't prove anything.
You did do it, I saw you do it,
and here's proof.
HOMER: Aha!
Ay, caramba!
What are you gonna do, man?
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna turn this in.
You can rot in jail.
The only time you'll come out is to see the dentist.
No, you can't be serious.
You know the kind of things they'll do to me at the dentist?
Well, there's only one other way.
You have to promise never to prank again.
Come on, man.
If I don't do these pranks soon,
when I'm older, they'll be crimes.
Promise me!
I promise.
Say it like you mean it.
I promise.
Now say it like you're talking to a dying soldier
who was with you all the way from D-Day,
and you gotta take his Saint Christopher medal
back to his mother.
Take me there.
I promise!
Whoa, calm down, Pacino.
MARGE: Oh,
Apu, it's good to see you doing so well.
I know you can't turn your head,
but you've got a great view.
Oh!
Are you okay?
Marge, he's got nine lives.
I am a Hindu, sir, not a cat.
I have infinite lives
during some of which I may be a cat.
In those I do have nine.
Apu, face it.
Our store is ruined.
This is painful, but I no longer want
the customers to, "Come again."
I want to work somewhere else.
I see. Nurse!
Transfer this man to the mental ward.
Okay.
Listen to me, when I was hit with the sign,
that was a sign.
I'm through.
How can you abandon me, brother?
Well, the way we abandoned our other brother.
What other brother?
All I remember on that boat was you,
the tiger, and the wise, old fox.
The... Oh, my God!
The fox was actually Tikku.
Oh, sweet, little Tikku, I blocked out the memory.
Oh, no!
(crying): Tikku!
Yes, well, I have given my share of the store to my son, Jamshed.
He will rebuild while you recuperate.
Little Jamshed.
Oh, how he's grown.
Indeed, first in his class with a business degree from Wharton,
and he is ready to take my place de-gunking the cheese warmer.
All right, my brother.
I will especially miss
looking into your tired, sunken eyes
during our wordless shift changes. Hm.
Remember when we used to nod?
(crying): I do, I do.
It is down to just you and me now, store.
Together, nothing can stop us.
Unless they put another store within three blocks,
which I hear they plan to do.
And now to lower this photo to see what is really there.
(gasps)
There, we gave him one last look at it.
Roll away the photo.
(wheels squeaking)
APU: Quick & Fresh?
Who spells "quick" with a "Q"?
Hey, Uncle Apu.
Jamshed?
Come on, man, Jamshed died at band camp.
I'm Jay now.
Yup. Check it.
I just bitch-slapped your Kwik-E-Mart
into the 21st century.
An upgrade?
No!
I will just live in the happy past one moment longer.
Ah!
Disco Stu is in denial with you.
(sighs) Check it out, Uncle A.
I made this place healthy.
I added softer lighting.
We're even getting a better class of robber.
I'm afraid I must relieve you of your spare cash
and a nice bottle of gin.
Ah, Mrs. Peel, shall we?
Okay, those guys are cool,
but still, Jamshed-- I-I'm-I'm sorry, Jay--
I know my customers.
All they want is something they can eat while driving.
I'd like a heat lamp dog, please.
Somewhere between two and six blisters.
I'm sorry, we don't serve those anymore.
They're a heart attack shaped like a penis.
Why, you, millennial...
Easy, brah.
Check out our olive bar.
Mmm!
Ha, see, he doesn't care what he eats.
He just eats things in that location.
Hey, quit talking like I can't hear.
This is my store.
Mine and Sanjay's.
My father's enjoying his retirement.
Bubba Watson!
You are no Vijay Singh.
Don't forget, my dad owned more of this place than you did.
Oh, you, I can't... I... (sighs)
Okay, can we move this discussion into the restroom?
(gasps) You have a restroom?
No. No.
I saw the whole jam from my seat
on top of the ATM machine.
You know what, I'm not gonna scratch this last one.
A smart man knows when to walk away.
Aah!
(haunting ethereal music)
One paid-for ticket and all the rest were losers.
They say don't scrape where you eat, but...
JAY: That ticket won the biggest scratcher payoff
in Kwik-E-Mart history.
$25.
Wow...
Whoop, (laughs) don't mind me.
JAY: But that was the last winner he saw.
He scratched and scratched, using...
...this. Is that the same dime?
It started as a quarter.
JAY: He was hospitalized briefly with scratcher's lung.
(coughs)
Each time, he paid my dad back
with another piece of the store.
♪
So, Sanjay-- and now I-- own 80%
of the Quick & Ficky-Fresh and rising...
Come on, Big Bang Theory scratcher.
Bring me back to break even.
Sheldon, Sheldon...
Oh! Wolowitz.
Always Wolowitz.
Bart, Chalmers is sunbathing nude under a beehive.
Sorry, man, I'm retired.
Now to present my manhood to the sun.
There he is.
No more pranking.
But... (grunts) Do you know how much imagination
it costs to appear in a thought bubble?
Sorry, Milhouse, can't.
And you know what? A little part of me is glad
that Chalmers' crotch isn't covered in bees.
Really?
Let's put this good Bart to the test.
Thank God, the Department of Homeland Security
financed this cherry picker to detangle the flag.
Extend, extend.
(humming)
All this extending is making me thirsty.
Just smash the window,
unlatch the brake,
and Skinner plummets to his hilarious doom.
Now he's safer than ever.
Yup, you're officially Springfield's bad boy now.
And I am up to the task.
(groans): Oh!
Dad, we're taking Apu out to cheer him up.
This time, please watch the kids.
How about you pay me like a real sitter?
(laughs)
Another one of your nonsensical, rambling stories.
I'd like to get paid.
In corn cob pipes, right?
Because in 1967, you and...
Just get going.
Dad, check out this "A" I got in citizenship.
Sorry, boy, late for dinner.
(moans sadly)
I know exactly how you feel, Bart.
This family isn't the greatest at recognizing achievement.
Wow, now I understand why you're so mad all the time.
I really do.
Aw, thank you, Bart.
Hey, you want to go move our mouths without speaking
to drive Grampa nuts?
I'd like that.
What the...? Speak up.
Oh, I guess I'll just have to turn my hearing aid
up to the max.
(both yell)
(yells)
(both laugh)
Another... Hey! Another Chianti, please.
Uh, maybe you should slow down a little.
Oh, yes, because it will take all of my faculties
tomorrow to affix my name tag right side up.
Mm-hmm!
Ooh, there he is.
The so-called marketing genius
who increased revenue over 500%.
Please, don't make a scene.
But if you do, bring back bread.
Oh, hey, uncle.
Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?
What, are you embarrassed by me?
Um, well, yes, a little.
You are ashamed of me?
Me, who has been as loyal to you
as Gunga Din to Sergeant Archibald Cutter?
That's exactly what I'm talking about.
You're my uncle, bruh, and I love you,
but you're a stereotype, man.
(imitating Apu): Take a penny, leave a penny.
I'm Indian. I do yoga.
Why don't you go back to the Temple of Doom, Dr. Jones?
Temple of Doom... Three months I worked on that
and all you can see is my hand in one shot.
Big whoop. Thank you very much, Mr. Spielberg.
And-and I say that you are a stereotype.
All you do is spout stupid, hipster buzzwords.
Swipe left on that accusation.
Epic swipe left.
Well, my dear nephew, this stereotype will no longer
be a troublesome potato in your chicken vindaloo.
Good luck to you.
Stereotype-a?
Who's a stereotype-a?
That's a spicy accusation.
You pipe-a down. (whimpers)
Hello? Hello, anyone here?
Hey, brah, come in and chillax.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
uh, I came in for the new issue of Toes and Torsos,
but, uh, that can wait.
What's going on here, my friend?
Oh, I lost my store and my identity,
and all I have left is my vest here.
330 million gods and not one of them listens to me.
What are you doing?
I leave for one second,
and you're talking like a Mumbai riverboat pilot.
Bombay! To me it will always be Bombay!
Not cool, man.
Give me your vest.
No, please, you can't take it.
This vest has a bullet hole for every time I have been shot.
It is my lucky vest.
I love you, man, but you're fired. "Fo-evah."
(grunts) Amateur.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Apu, you need a visit to Moe's Tavern,
your downward spiral headquarters.
Hey, we're on the cover of this month's Giving Up Magazine.
Check it out,
that was the last issue ever.
Hey, guys, this is too sad.
We-we gotta help Apu get his store back.
Yeah, okay, let's see, uh,
Homer, your boy's no good, right? Not much.
Well, why don't you ask him to pull a prank to help Apu
turn his nice, new store here back into a rat hole?
Well, I kinda straightened him out.
I was hoping he'd stay that way till the Marines take him.
You can't think of yourself, Homer.
Apu's always been there for us.
Yeah, except for that hurricane when he jacked up the prices.
Okay, so I got a little gouge-y,
but I-I don't hold the looting against you guys.
(scoffs) Some looting.
I got there late, and all that was left was a bag of ice,
and they played the clip on CNN for a week.
But I am one of you now.
I sponsor your Little League teams,
and I sell you Christmas gifts
at 9:00 a.m. on Christmas morning.
Yeah, that Hello Kitty cell phone cover
really saved my ass with Marge,
and when I think of it, what do we have children for
if not to sacrifice them for our needs?
ALL: Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.
Oh, gee, I guess you guys
are gonna have to buy more beers.
(snickers)
HOMER (drunkenly): Ba-Bart?
Bart?
Bart...
Ba-Bart...
Oh, leave me alone.
Listen, boy, I need you to do a prank for Apu.
I don't get it, man.
You told me to stop pranking, and I did.
And you know what?
I don't miss it.
Without you strangling me, my throat is finally healing.
I can sing again.
(clears throat)
♪ Praise God from whom all blessings flow ♪
♪ Praise him
♪ All creatures here below... ♪
You know what, you're right.
What was I thinking?
Go back to sleep.
Dad. Yes?
Say someone were to do this prank,
would the prankster receive a later bedtime?
Say, 9:30?
No, no, you know something, boy, I realized I made a big mistake.
I like the new, well-behaved you.
I can stop saving up for that house near the prison.
(Music for the Funeral of Queen Mary by Wendy Carlos playing)
Oh, I never should have bought
that Clockwork Orange video for his fifth birthday.
I thought it would help him tell time,
and now I've awoken a monster.
LISA: You awoke me, too.
I thought you were sleeping over at Rachel's.
Rachel was my imaginary friend when I was three.
Then when she was five, she moved to White Plains, New York.
HOMER: What? I never said good-bye.
Well, they wanted to leave quickly.
Her dad had been caught in an affair.
Her brother took a semester off college,
and he never went back.
And her mother?
LISA: Her mother's the really sad story.
Oh, I've-I've heard enough.
My return to prankdom is elegant in its simplicity.
All we do is cut the power in the store for 30 seconds.
And no preservatives in the food,
so everything will immediately go bad.
Oh, it's an honor to be the guy you explain it to.
(panting): Bart, wait!
I like the new you.
Listen, before you flip those circuit breakers,
look deep in your sister's eyes and tell me what you see.
I see... love.
Unconditional love.
Which means I can do whatever I want.
D'oh!
(power whirrs down, shoppers murmur curiously)
(flies buzzing)
(shoppers gasping, moaning)
Ah! Save us, chemicals!
(sighs) At least the mushrooms are okay.
That is a wheel of brie!
(gasps)
(screams)
Come on, this is the cleanest place in town,
and you know it.
Another failed millennial.
Who is a cliché now?
Now to remove all signs of our presence.
(rattling)
(siren wails, tires screech)
Ah! We must have used it up during the parade.
Mm, it was a great parade.
KRUSTY: Aw, let's get out of here!
♪ You're simply the best...
♪
I am sorry, nephew.
I was jealous, and karma has exacted a terrible price.
Word. And I was kind of a douche wheel.
You know, even your way of apologizing offends me.
What is this?
(haunting ethereal music)
My ruin and my redemption.
My last two dollars.
I have nothing to scratch it with.
Use me, Apu.
Make my life worth something.
No, Uncle A, it's a clown move, bruh.
Or maybe, just maybe, a genius clown move.
Ah!
Sheldon,
Sheldon...
(metal scraping)
Three Sheldons!
It is a winner, and it is so much money,
which means so many more tickets.
Precious, precious tickets.
I... No, no, it's money.
(kisses)
(tires screech)
(door bell dings)
Oh, it is so good to see you.
I have my store back, my friend.
But I have something that I wanted even more, you know,
a feeling that I belong.
I'm glad I could help by giving my son a little nudge
in the wrong direction.
And now, I have something very, very special for you, my friend.
This is the legendary, jumbo, golden Squishee cup.
It will be refilled by me,
for free, for the rest of your life.
Holy moly, all those Squishees?
How much is that gonna cost you?
Ah, about three bucks.
(glass shattering)
(chuckles) This time it's 'cause I let Ralph drive.
I thought it was pretend.
Let it never be said I cannot admit a mistake,
especially in the middle of a recall campaign.
We will now destroy the new Jebediah Springfield statue.
Chief, you may fire when ready.
(shell ricochets, whistling)
(explosion)
Damn it!
Shh!
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH
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Now here are a few more shows to check out from Fox.
MULDER: They spy on us,
tell us that makes us safer.
We've never been in more danger.
I'm Special Agent Dana Scully, and this is Special Agent Fox Mulder.
What if our work, the X-Files, everything we've been led to believe in is a lie?
Then do something about it.