The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 27, Episode 12 - Much Apu About Something - full transcript
Apu's nephew makes big changes when he takes over the Kwik-E-Mart business, and Bart decides that he's through with being bad after his latest prank spirals out of control.
You're watching The Simpsons.
You know your life sucks.
Just get drunk
like you always do.
Catch all-new episodes Sundays
and check out
our other Fox programs--
Brooklyn Nine-Nine,
Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.
What is this,
and how can I make the rest
of my life about it?
Only on Fox.
(gasps): What?
(Battle Hymn of the Republic
playing)
Isn't he magnificent?
I guess.
ANNOUNCER: Tired of
the same old monuments?
BOTH:
You bet we are!
Come to Springfield.
We have more handicapped
parking spots
for fat guys than
any non-Chicago city,
and at this year's
Founder's Day Parade
we will unveil our new
state-of-the-art statue
of Jebediah Springfield.
(fanfare plays)
(robotic whirring)
I founded Springfield
in 1796...
(giggles)
...Billy.
Wow, he's so
interactive.
Here's a coupon for
one cheese pizza at
(imitating Luigi):
Luigi's on-a Main-a Street.
FAST-TALKING ANNOUNCER:
Artist's conception of the
original statue design,
which is not the
actual statue design.
Your statue may vary.
BART AND LISA:
Can we see the statue?
Please, Dad.
Can we? Can we? Can we?
It's not gonna be as good
as you think.
Nothing ever is.
But it gets us
out of the house.
ALL:
Can we? Can we? Can we?
Oh, wait, I'm me. Sure!
(marching band playing
"Stars and Stripes Forever")
This is my favorite
part of the parade,
coming to the Kwik-E-Mart
to laugh at the losers
who forgot to bring
parade supplies!
Which reminds me,
we need parade supplies.
Parade jerky.
Get your parade jerky.
Beef, turkey or pork.
It all tastes like
a delicious shoe tongue.
Ah, one tube
of sunblock.
That will be $30.
Once again, keeping
the bald man down.
I do have a
Philadelphia 76ers hat
that you could
wear for free.
I'll pay! I'll pay!
Leading the parade is the new
Jebediah Springfield statue
that local wags have already
dubbed "Quimby's Folly."
(squeaking)
(Quimby's voice): Er, uh, I am
Jebediah Springfield,
brought to you
by Springfield Auto Lube.
Chuck, Ernie, and Arturo
are there for you.
(crowd booing)
This ad was a bad call, man.
KENT: And now, here comes
our brand-new SWAT tank.
NEWSWOMAN: This expensive urban
pacification vehicle
was funded
by Homeland Security.
Gaze in wonder
at America's debt!
We love you,
Officer Puff 'n' Stuff.
(laughing):
Ah!
Thank you!
And now Springfield's
true heroes,
our volunteer fire department.
Wait, what?
(siren wailing)
(horn honking)
Hey! Hey!
This is the one
good thing I do.
(Krusty laughs)
♪
♪ You're simply the best...
CROWD:
Ooh, ooh!
Lousy chili cookers!
Grabbing all our glory!
All right, calm down, Chief.
I heard a couple of "oohs"
but that's it.
ALL: Ah! Ah!
Ahs?! Oh, that's
grand theft thunder.
Hey, cops, does SWAT stand for
short, wide and tubby?
I'm not sure, but I doubt it.
Hmm! (chuckling)
(Homer gasps)
(sputtering)
All right, you pole-sliders
asked for it.
(Bart laughs)
(grunts)
Chief, what are you doing?
I'm gonna hit 'em so hard
their Dalmatian loses
its spots, ha!
Uh, they're-they're coming
at us!
Release our fiercest weapon--
foam.
(band members screaming)
Who wants juice?
Who needs juice?
(panting): Nobody!
I-I can't control
this thing.
Let me drive.
Okay, okay,
I'm stuck in a hole.
Oh, we're headed for
the Kwik-E-Mart.
Someone call
the police!
Before I die,
I would like to know
just what is in these
nudie magazines.
What is it, brother?
An interview
with Jim Gaffigan.
(tires screeching)
We are still alive.
Oh, there is a gods!
I didn't do it.
Nobody saw me do it.
You can't
prove anything.
You did do it,
I saw you do it,
and here's proof.
HOMER: Aha!
Ay, caramba!
What are you
gonna do, man?
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna turn this in.
You can rot in jail.
The only time you'll come out
is to see the dentist.
No, you can't be serious.
You know the kind of things
they'll do to me at the dentist?
Well, there's only
one other way.
You have to promise
never to prank again.
Come on, man.
If I don't do
these pranks soon,
when I'm older,
they'll be crimes.
Promise me!
I promise.
Say it like you mean it.
I promise.
Now say it like you're
talking to a dying soldier
who was with you
all the way from D-Day,
and you gotta take his
Saint Christopher medal
back to his mother.
Take me there.
I promise!
Whoa, calm down, Pacino.
MARGE: Oh,
Apu, it's good to see you
doing so well.
I know you can't turn
your head,
but you've got a great view.
Oh!
Are you okay?
Marge, he's got
nine lives.
I am a Hindu,
sir, not a cat.
I have infinite lives
during some of which
I may be a cat.
In those I do have nine.
Apu, face it.
Our store is ruined.
This is painful,
but I no longer want
the customers to,
"Come again."
I want to work
somewhere else.
I see. Nurse!
Transfer this man
to the mental ward.
Okay.
Listen to me, when I
was hit with the sign,
that was a sign.
I'm through.
How can you
abandon me, brother?
Well, the way we abandoned
our other brother.
What other brother?
All I remember
on that boat was you,
the tiger, and the
wise, old fox.
The... Oh, my God!
The fox was actually Tikku.
Oh, sweet, little Tikku,
I blocked out the memory.
Oh, no!
(crying):
Tikku!
Yes, well, I have given my share
of the store to my son, Jamshed.
He will rebuild
while you recuperate.
Little Jamshed.
Oh, how he's grown.
Indeed, first in his class with
a business degree from Wharton,
and he is ready to take my place
de-gunking the cheese warmer.
All right, my brother.
I will especially miss
looking into your
tired, sunken eyes
during our wordless
shift changes.
Hm.
Remember when we used to nod?
(crying): I do, I do.
It is down to just you and me
now, store.
Together, nothing can stop us.
Unless they put another store
within three blocks,
which I hear they plan to do.
And now to lower this photo
to see what is really there.
(gasps)
There, we gave him
one last look at it.
Roll away the photo.
(wheels squeaking)
APU: Quick & Fresh?
Who spells "quick" with a "Q"?
Hey, Uncle Apu.
Jamshed?
Come on, man, Jamshed
died at band camp.
I'm Jay now.
Yup. Check it.
I just bitch-slapped
your Kwik-E-Mart
into the 21st century.
An upgrade?
No!
I will just live in the happy
past one moment longer.
Ah!
Disco Stu is in
denial with you.
(sighs)
Check it out, Uncle A.
I made this place healthy.
I added softer lighting.
We're even getting
a better class of robber.
I'm afraid I must relieve you
of your spare cash
and a nice bottle of gin.
Ah, Mrs. Peel, shall we?
Okay, those guys are cool,
but still, Jamshed--
I-I'm-I'm sorry, Jay--
I know my customers.
All they want is something
they can eat while driving.
I'd like a heat lamp dog,
please.
Somewhere between
two and six blisters.
I'm sorry,
we don't serve those anymore.
They're a heart attack
shaped like a penis.
Why, you, millennial...
Easy, brah.
Check out our olive bar.
Mmm!
Ha, see, he doesn't
care what he eats.
He just eats things
in that location.
Hey, quit talking
like I can't hear.
This is my store.
Mine and Sanjay's.
My father's enjoying
his retirement.
Bubba Watson!
You are no Vijay Singh.
Don't forget, my dad owned more
of this place than you did.
Oh, you, I can't...
I... (sighs)
Okay, can we move this
discussion into the restroom?
(gasps)
You have a restroom?
No.
No.
I saw the whole jam from my seat
on top of the ATM machine.
You know what, I'm not gonna
scratch this last one.
A smart man knows
when to walk away.
Aah!
(haunting ethereal music)
One paid-for ticket
and all the rest were losers.
They say don't scrape
where you eat, but...
JAY: That ticket won
the biggest scratcher payoff
in Kwik-E-Mart history.
$25.
Wow...
Whoop, (laughs) don't mind me.
JAY: But that was the
last winner he saw.
He scratched and scratched,
using...
...this.
Is that the same dime?
It started
as a quarter.
JAY: He was hospitalized briefly
with scratcher's lung.
(coughs)
Each time, he paid my dad back
with another piece
of the store.
♪
So, Sanjay--
and now I-- own 80%
of the Quick & Ficky-Fresh
and rising...
Come on, Big Bang
Theory scratcher.
Bring me back
to break even.
Sheldon, Sheldon...
Oh! Wolowitz.
Always Wolowitz.
Bart, Chalmers is sunbathing
nude under a beehive.
Sorry, man, I'm retired.
Now to present my manhood
to the sun.
There he is.
No more pranking.
But...
(grunts) Do you know
how much imagination
it costs to appear
in a thought bubble?
Sorry, Milhouse, can't.
And you know what?
A little part of me is glad
that Chalmers' crotch
isn't covered in bees.
Really?
Let's put this good Bart
to the test.
Thank God, the Department
of Homeland Security
financed this cherry picker
to detangle the flag.
Extend, extend.
(humming)
All this extending
is making me thirsty.
Just smash the window,
unlatch the brake,
and Skinner plummets
to his hilarious doom.
Now he's safer than ever.
Yup, you're officially
Springfield's bad boy now.
And I am up to the task.
(groans): Oh!
Dad, we're taking Apu
out to cheer him up.
This time, please
watch the kids.
How about you pay me
like a real sitter?
(laughs)
Another one of your
nonsensical, rambling stories.
I'd like to get paid.
In corn cob pipes, right?
Because in 1967,
you and...
Just get going.
Dad, check out this "A"
I got in citizenship.
Sorry, boy,
late for dinner.
(moans sadly)
I know exactly
how you feel, Bart.
This family isn't the greatest
at recognizing achievement.
Wow, now I understand why
you're so mad all the time.
I really do.
Aw, thank you, Bart.
Hey, you want to go move
our mouths without speaking
to drive Grampa nuts?
I'd like that.
What the...? Speak up.
Oh, I guess I'll just have
to turn my hearing aid
up to the max.
(both yell)
(yells)
(both laugh)
Another... Hey!
Another Chianti, please.
Uh, maybe you should
slow down a little.
Oh, yes, because it will
take all of my faculties
tomorrow to affix my
name tag right side up.
Mm-hmm!
Ooh, there he is.
The so-called
marketing genius
who increased
revenue over 500%.
Please, don't make a scene.
But if you do,
bring back bread.
Oh, hey, uncle.
Aren't you going to introduce me
to your friends?
What, are you
embarrassed by me?
Um, well, yes, a little.
You are ashamed of me?
Me, who has been
as loyal to you
as Gunga Din to
Sergeant Archibald Cutter?
That's exactly what
I'm talking about.
You're my uncle, bruh,
and I love you,
but you're a
stereotype, man.
(imitating Apu):
Take a penny, leave a penny.
I'm Indian. I do yoga.
Why don't you go back to
the Temple of Doom, Dr. Jones?
Temple of Doom...
Three months I worked on that
and all you can see is
my hand in one shot.
Big whoop. Thank you very much,
Mr. Spielberg.
And-and I say that you
are a stereotype.
All you do is spout stupid,
hipster buzzwords.
Swipe left on that accusation.
Epic swipe left.
Well, my dear nephew, this
stereotype will no longer
be a troublesome potato
in your chicken vindaloo.
Good luck to you.
Stereotype-a?
Who's a stereotype-a?
That's a spicy accusation.
You pipe-a down.
(whimpers)
Hello? Hello, anyone here?
Hey, brah, come in
and chillax.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
uh, I came in for the
new issue of Toes and Torsos,
but, uh, that can wait.
What's going on here,
my friend?
Oh, I lost my store
and my identity,
and all I have left
is my vest here.
330 million gods and not
one of them listens to me.
What are you doing?
I leave for one second,
and you're talking like
a Mumbai riverboat pilot.
Bombay! To me it will
always be Bombay!
Not cool, man.
Give me your vest.
No, please, you
can't take it.
This vest has a bullet hole
for every time I have been shot.
It is my lucky vest.
I love you, man, but
you're fired. "Fo-evah."
(grunts)
Amateur.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Apu, you need
a visit to Moe's Tavern,
your downward spiral
headquarters.
Hey, we're on the cover of this
month's Giving Up Magazine.
Check it out,
that was the last issue ever.
Hey, guys, this is too sad.
We-we gotta help Apu
get his store back.
Yeah, okay,
let's see, uh,
Homer, your boy's
no good, right?
Not much.
Well, why don't you ask him
to pull a prank to help Apu
turn his nice, new store here
back into a rat hole?
Well, I kinda
straightened him out.
I was hoping he'd stay that way
till the Marines take him.
You can't think
of yourself, Homer.
Apu's always
been there for us.
Yeah, except for that hurricane
when he jacked up the prices.
Okay, so I got a
little gouge-y,
but I-I don't hold the
looting against you guys.
(scoffs)
Some looting.
I got there late, and all that
was left was a bag of ice,
and they played the clip
on CNN for a week.
But I am one of you now.
I sponsor your
Little League teams,
and I sell you Christmas gifts
at 9:00 a.m.
on Christmas morning.
Yeah, that Hello Kitty
cell phone cover
really saved my ass with Marge,
and when I think of it,
what do we have children for
if not to sacrifice them
for our needs?
ALL:
Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.
Oh, gee,
I guess you guys
are gonna have
to buy more beers.
(snickers)
HOMER (drunkenly):
Ba-Bart?
Bart?
Bart...
Ba-Bart...
Oh, leave me alone.
Listen, boy, I need you
to do a prank for Apu.
I don't get it, man.
You told me to stop
pranking, and I did.
And you know what?
I don't miss it.
Without you strangling me,
my throat is finally healing.
I can sing again.
(clears throat)
♪ Praise God from
whom all blessings flow ♪
♪ Praise him
♪ All creatures
here below... ♪
You know what, you're right.
What was I thinking?
Go back to sleep.
Dad.
Yes?
Say someone were
to do this prank,
would the prankster
receive a later bedtime?
Say, 9:30?
No, no, you know something, boy,
I realized I made a big mistake.
I like the new,
well-behaved you.
I can stop saving up for that
house near the prison.
(Music for the Funeral of Queen
Mary by Wendy Carlos playing)
Oh, I never should have bought
that Clockwork Orange video
for his fifth birthday.
I thought it would help
him tell time,
and now I've awoken a monster.
LISA:
You awoke me, too.
I thought you were sleeping
over at Rachel's.
Rachel was my imaginary friend
when I was three.
Then when she was five, she
moved to White Plains, New York.
HOMER: What?
I never said good-bye.
Well, they wanted to leave
quickly.
Her dad had been caught
in an affair.
Her brother took a semester
off college,
and he never went back.
And her mother?
LISA: Her mother's
the really sad story.
Oh, I've-I've heard enough.
My return to prankdom is elegant
in its simplicity.
All we do is cut the power
in the store for 30 seconds.
And no preservatives
in the food,
so everything will
immediately go bad.
Oh, it's an honor to be
the guy you explain it to.
(panting): Bart, wait!
I like the new you.
Listen, before you flip
those circuit breakers,
look deep in your sister's eyes
and tell me what you see.
I see... love.
Unconditional love.
Which means I can do
whatever I want.
D'oh!
(power whirrs down,
shoppers murmur curiously)
(flies buzzing)
(shoppers gasping, moaning)
Ah! Save us, chemicals!
(sighs) At least the
mushrooms are okay.
That is a wheel of brie!
(gasps)
(screams)
Come on, this is the
cleanest place in town,
and you know it.
Another failed millennial.
Who is a cliché now?
Now to remove all signs
of our presence.
(rattling)
(siren wails, tires screech)
Ah! We must have used it up
during the parade.
Mm, it was a great parade.
KRUSTY:
Aw, let's get out of here!
♪ You're simply the best...
♪
I am sorry, nephew.
I was jealous, and karma has
exacted a terrible price.
Word. And I was kind
of a douche wheel.
You know, even your way
of apologizing offends me.
What is this?
(haunting ethereal music)
My ruin and my redemption.
My last two dollars.
I have nothing
to scratch it with.
Use me, Apu.
Make my life worth something.
No, Uncle A,
it's a clown move, bruh.
Or maybe, just maybe,
a genius clown move.
Ah!
Sheldon,
Sheldon...
(metal scraping)
Three Sheldons!
It is a winner,
and it is so much money,
which means so many
more tickets.
Precious, precious tickets.
I... No, no, it's money.
(kisses)
(tires screech)
(door bell dings)
Oh, it is so good to see you.
I have my store back, my friend.
But I have something that
I wanted even more, you know,
a feeling that I belong.
I'm glad I could help
by giving my son a little nudge
in the wrong direction.
And now, I have something very,
very special for you, my friend.
This is the legendary, jumbo,
golden Squishee cup.
It will be refilled by me,
for free, for the rest
of your life.
Holy moly, all
those Squishees?
How much is that
gonna cost you?
Ah, about three bucks.
(glass shattering)
(chuckles)
This time it's 'cause
I let Ralph drive.
I thought it was pretend.
Let it never be said
I cannot admit a mistake,
especially in the middle
of a recall campaign.
We will now destroy the new
Jebediah Springfield statue.
Chief, you may
fire when ready.
(shell ricochets, whistling)
(explosion)
Damn it!
Shh!
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
You've just watched
The Simpsons.
Now here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.
MULDER:
They spy on us,
tell us that makes us safer.
We've never been
in more danger.
I'm Special Agent Dana Scully,
and this is Special Agent
Fox Mulder.
What if our work, the X-Files,
everything we've been led
to believe in is a lie?
Then do something
about it.
You know your life sucks.
Just get drunk
like you always do.
Catch all-new episodes Sundays
and check out
our other Fox programs--
Brooklyn Nine-Nine,
Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.
What is this,
and how can I make the rest
of my life about it?
Only on Fox.
(gasps): What?
(Battle Hymn of the Republic
playing)
Isn't he magnificent?
I guess.
ANNOUNCER: Tired of
the same old monuments?
BOTH:
You bet we are!
Come to Springfield.
We have more handicapped
parking spots
for fat guys than
any non-Chicago city,
and at this year's
Founder's Day Parade
we will unveil our new
state-of-the-art statue
of Jebediah Springfield.
(fanfare plays)
(robotic whirring)
I founded Springfield
in 1796...
(giggles)
...Billy.
Wow, he's so
interactive.
Here's a coupon for
one cheese pizza at
(imitating Luigi):
Luigi's on-a Main-a Street.
FAST-TALKING ANNOUNCER:
Artist's conception of the
original statue design,
which is not the
actual statue design.
Your statue may vary.
BART AND LISA:
Can we see the statue?
Please, Dad.
Can we? Can we? Can we?
It's not gonna be as good
as you think.
Nothing ever is.
But it gets us
out of the house.
ALL:
Can we? Can we? Can we?
Oh, wait, I'm me. Sure!
(marching band playing
"Stars and Stripes Forever")
This is my favorite
part of the parade,
coming to the Kwik-E-Mart
to laugh at the losers
who forgot to bring
parade supplies!
Which reminds me,
we need parade supplies.
Parade jerky.
Get your parade jerky.
Beef, turkey or pork.
It all tastes like
a delicious shoe tongue.
Ah, one tube
of sunblock.
That will be $30.
Once again, keeping
the bald man down.
I do have a
Philadelphia 76ers hat
that you could
wear for free.
I'll pay! I'll pay!
Leading the parade is the new
Jebediah Springfield statue
that local wags have already
dubbed "Quimby's Folly."
(squeaking)
(Quimby's voice): Er, uh, I am
Jebediah Springfield,
brought to you
by Springfield Auto Lube.
Chuck, Ernie, and Arturo
are there for you.
(crowd booing)
This ad was a bad call, man.
KENT: And now, here comes
our brand-new SWAT tank.
NEWSWOMAN: This expensive urban
pacification vehicle
was funded
by Homeland Security.
Gaze in wonder
at America's debt!
We love you,
Officer Puff 'n' Stuff.
(laughing):
Ah!
Thank you!
And now Springfield's
true heroes,
our volunteer fire department.
Wait, what?
(siren wailing)
(horn honking)
Hey! Hey!
This is the one
good thing I do.
(Krusty laughs)
♪
♪ You're simply the best...
CROWD:
Ooh, ooh!
Lousy chili cookers!
Grabbing all our glory!
All right, calm down, Chief.
I heard a couple of "oohs"
but that's it.
ALL: Ah! Ah!
Ahs?! Oh, that's
grand theft thunder.
Hey, cops, does SWAT stand for
short, wide and tubby?
I'm not sure, but I doubt it.
Hmm! (chuckling)
(Homer gasps)
(sputtering)
All right, you pole-sliders
asked for it.
(Bart laughs)
(grunts)
Chief, what are you doing?
I'm gonna hit 'em so hard
their Dalmatian loses
its spots, ha!
Uh, they're-they're coming
at us!
Release our fiercest weapon--
foam.
(band members screaming)
Who wants juice?
Who needs juice?
(panting): Nobody!
I-I can't control
this thing.
Let me drive.
Okay, okay,
I'm stuck in a hole.
Oh, we're headed for
the Kwik-E-Mart.
Someone call
the police!
Before I die,
I would like to know
just what is in these
nudie magazines.
What is it, brother?
An interview
with Jim Gaffigan.
(tires screeching)
We are still alive.
Oh, there is a gods!
I didn't do it.
Nobody saw me do it.
You can't
prove anything.
You did do it,
I saw you do it,
and here's proof.
HOMER: Aha!
Ay, caramba!
What are you
gonna do, man?
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna turn this in.
You can rot in jail.
The only time you'll come out
is to see the dentist.
No, you can't be serious.
You know the kind of things
they'll do to me at the dentist?
Well, there's only
one other way.
You have to promise
never to prank again.
Come on, man.
If I don't do
these pranks soon,
when I'm older,
they'll be crimes.
Promise me!
I promise.
Say it like you mean it.
I promise.
Now say it like you're
talking to a dying soldier
who was with you
all the way from D-Day,
and you gotta take his
Saint Christopher medal
back to his mother.
Take me there.
I promise!
Whoa, calm down, Pacino.
MARGE: Oh,
Apu, it's good to see you
doing so well.
I know you can't turn
your head,
but you've got a great view.
Oh!
Are you okay?
Marge, he's got
nine lives.
I am a Hindu,
sir, not a cat.
I have infinite lives
during some of which
I may be a cat.
In those I do have nine.
Apu, face it.
Our store is ruined.
This is painful,
but I no longer want
the customers to,
"Come again."
I want to work
somewhere else.
I see. Nurse!
Transfer this man
to the mental ward.
Okay.
Listen to me, when I
was hit with the sign,
that was a sign.
I'm through.
How can you
abandon me, brother?
Well, the way we abandoned
our other brother.
What other brother?
All I remember
on that boat was you,
the tiger, and the
wise, old fox.
The... Oh, my God!
The fox was actually Tikku.
Oh, sweet, little Tikku,
I blocked out the memory.
Oh, no!
(crying):
Tikku!
Yes, well, I have given my share
of the store to my son, Jamshed.
He will rebuild
while you recuperate.
Little Jamshed.
Oh, how he's grown.
Indeed, first in his class with
a business degree from Wharton,
and he is ready to take my place
de-gunking the cheese warmer.
All right, my brother.
I will especially miss
looking into your
tired, sunken eyes
during our wordless
shift changes.
Hm.
Remember when we used to nod?
(crying): I do, I do.
It is down to just you and me
now, store.
Together, nothing can stop us.
Unless they put another store
within three blocks,
which I hear they plan to do.
And now to lower this photo
to see what is really there.
(gasps)
There, we gave him
one last look at it.
Roll away the photo.
(wheels squeaking)
APU: Quick & Fresh?
Who spells "quick" with a "Q"?
Hey, Uncle Apu.
Jamshed?
Come on, man, Jamshed
died at band camp.
I'm Jay now.
Yup. Check it.
I just bitch-slapped
your Kwik-E-Mart
into the 21st century.
An upgrade?
No!
I will just live in the happy
past one moment longer.
Ah!
Disco Stu is in
denial with you.
(sighs)
Check it out, Uncle A.
I made this place healthy.
I added softer lighting.
We're even getting
a better class of robber.
I'm afraid I must relieve you
of your spare cash
and a nice bottle of gin.
Ah, Mrs. Peel, shall we?
Okay, those guys are cool,
but still, Jamshed--
I-I'm-I'm sorry, Jay--
I know my customers.
All they want is something
they can eat while driving.
I'd like a heat lamp dog,
please.
Somewhere between
two and six blisters.
I'm sorry,
we don't serve those anymore.
They're a heart attack
shaped like a penis.
Why, you, millennial...
Easy, brah.
Check out our olive bar.
Mmm!
Ha, see, he doesn't
care what he eats.
He just eats things
in that location.
Hey, quit talking
like I can't hear.
This is my store.
Mine and Sanjay's.
My father's enjoying
his retirement.
Bubba Watson!
You are no Vijay Singh.
Don't forget, my dad owned more
of this place than you did.
Oh, you, I can't...
I... (sighs)
Okay, can we move this
discussion into the restroom?
(gasps)
You have a restroom?
No.
No.
I saw the whole jam from my seat
on top of the ATM machine.
You know what, I'm not gonna
scratch this last one.
A smart man knows
when to walk away.
Aah!
(haunting ethereal music)
One paid-for ticket
and all the rest were losers.
They say don't scrape
where you eat, but...
JAY: That ticket won
the biggest scratcher payoff
in Kwik-E-Mart history.
$25.
Wow...
Whoop, (laughs) don't mind me.
JAY: But that was the
last winner he saw.
He scratched and scratched,
using...
...this.
Is that the same dime?
It started
as a quarter.
JAY: He was hospitalized briefly
with scratcher's lung.
(coughs)
Each time, he paid my dad back
with another piece
of the store.
♪
So, Sanjay--
and now I-- own 80%
of the Quick & Ficky-Fresh
and rising...
Come on, Big Bang
Theory scratcher.
Bring me back
to break even.
Sheldon, Sheldon...
Oh! Wolowitz.
Always Wolowitz.
Bart, Chalmers is sunbathing
nude under a beehive.
Sorry, man, I'm retired.
Now to present my manhood
to the sun.
There he is.
No more pranking.
But...
(grunts) Do you know
how much imagination
it costs to appear
in a thought bubble?
Sorry, Milhouse, can't.
And you know what?
A little part of me is glad
that Chalmers' crotch
isn't covered in bees.
Really?
Let's put this good Bart
to the test.
Thank God, the Department
of Homeland Security
financed this cherry picker
to detangle the flag.
Extend, extend.
(humming)
All this extending
is making me thirsty.
Just smash the window,
unlatch the brake,
and Skinner plummets
to his hilarious doom.
Now he's safer than ever.
Yup, you're officially
Springfield's bad boy now.
And I am up to the task.
(groans): Oh!
Dad, we're taking Apu
out to cheer him up.
This time, please
watch the kids.
How about you pay me
like a real sitter?
(laughs)
Another one of your
nonsensical, rambling stories.
I'd like to get paid.
In corn cob pipes, right?
Because in 1967,
you and...
Just get going.
Dad, check out this "A"
I got in citizenship.
Sorry, boy,
late for dinner.
(moans sadly)
I know exactly
how you feel, Bart.
This family isn't the greatest
at recognizing achievement.
Wow, now I understand why
you're so mad all the time.
I really do.
Aw, thank you, Bart.
Hey, you want to go move
our mouths without speaking
to drive Grampa nuts?
I'd like that.
What the...? Speak up.
Oh, I guess I'll just have
to turn my hearing aid
up to the max.
(both yell)
(yells)
(both laugh)
Another... Hey!
Another Chianti, please.
Uh, maybe you should
slow down a little.
Oh, yes, because it will
take all of my faculties
tomorrow to affix my
name tag right side up.
Mm-hmm!
Ooh, there he is.
The so-called
marketing genius
who increased
revenue over 500%.
Please, don't make a scene.
But if you do,
bring back bread.
Oh, hey, uncle.
Aren't you going to introduce me
to your friends?
What, are you
embarrassed by me?
Um, well, yes, a little.
You are ashamed of me?
Me, who has been
as loyal to you
as Gunga Din to
Sergeant Archibald Cutter?
That's exactly what
I'm talking about.
You're my uncle, bruh,
and I love you,
but you're a
stereotype, man.
(imitating Apu):
Take a penny, leave a penny.
I'm Indian. I do yoga.
Why don't you go back to
the Temple of Doom, Dr. Jones?
Temple of Doom...
Three months I worked on that
and all you can see is
my hand in one shot.
Big whoop. Thank you very much,
Mr. Spielberg.
And-and I say that you
are a stereotype.
All you do is spout stupid,
hipster buzzwords.
Swipe left on that accusation.
Epic swipe left.
Well, my dear nephew, this
stereotype will no longer
be a troublesome potato
in your chicken vindaloo.
Good luck to you.
Stereotype-a?
Who's a stereotype-a?
That's a spicy accusation.
You pipe-a down.
(whimpers)
Hello? Hello, anyone here?
Hey, brah, come in
and chillax.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
uh, I came in for the
new issue of Toes and Torsos,
but, uh, that can wait.
What's going on here,
my friend?
Oh, I lost my store
and my identity,
and all I have left
is my vest here.
330 million gods and not
one of them listens to me.
What are you doing?
I leave for one second,
and you're talking like
a Mumbai riverboat pilot.
Bombay! To me it will
always be Bombay!
Not cool, man.
Give me your vest.
No, please, you
can't take it.
This vest has a bullet hole
for every time I have been shot.
It is my lucky vest.
I love you, man, but
you're fired. "Fo-evah."
(grunts)
Amateur.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Apu, you need
a visit to Moe's Tavern,
your downward spiral
headquarters.
Hey, we're on the cover of this
month's Giving Up Magazine.
Check it out,
that was the last issue ever.
Hey, guys, this is too sad.
We-we gotta help Apu
get his store back.
Yeah, okay,
let's see, uh,
Homer, your boy's
no good, right?
Not much.
Well, why don't you ask him
to pull a prank to help Apu
turn his nice, new store here
back into a rat hole?
Well, I kinda
straightened him out.
I was hoping he'd stay that way
till the Marines take him.
You can't think
of yourself, Homer.
Apu's always
been there for us.
Yeah, except for that hurricane
when he jacked up the prices.
Okay, so I got a
little gouge-y,
but I-I don't hold the
looting against you guys.
(scoffs)
Some looting.
I got there late, and all that
was left was a bag of ice,
and they played the clip
on CNN for a week.
But I am one of you now.
I sponsor your
Little League teams,
and I sell you Christmas gifts
at 9:00 a.m.
on Christmas morning.
Yeah, that Hello Kitty
cell phone cover
really saved my ass with Marge,
and when I think of it,
what do we have children for
if not to sacrifice them
for our needs?
ALL:
Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.
Oh, gee,
I guess you guys
are gonna have
to buy more beers.
(snickers)
HOMER (drunkenly):
Ba-Bart?
Bart?
Bart...
Ba-Bart...
Oh, leave me alone.
Listen, boy, I need you
to do a prank for Apu.
I don't get it, man.
You told me to stop
pranking, and I did.
And you know what?
I don't miss it.
Without you strangling me,
my throat is finally healing.
I can sing again.
(clears throat)
♪ Praise God from
whom all blessings flow ♪
♪ Praise him
♪ All creatures
here below... ♪
You know what, you're right.
What was I thinking?
Go back to sleep.
Dad.
Yes?
Say someone were
to do this prank,
would the prankster
receive a later bedtime?
Say, 9:30?
No, no, you know something, boy,
I realized I made a big mistake.
I like the new,
well-behaved you.
I can stop saving up for that
house near the prison.
(Music for the Funeral of Queen
Mary by Wendy Carlos playing)
Oh, I never should have bought
that Clockwork Orange video
for his fifth birthday.
I thought it would help
him tell time,
and now I've awoken a monster.
LISA:
You awoke me, too.
I thought you were sleeping
over at Rachel's.
Rachel was my imaginary friend
when I was three.
Then when she was five, she
moved to White Plains, New York.
HOMER: What?
I never said good-bye.
Well, they wanted to leave
quickly.
Her dad had been caught
in an affair.
Her brother took a semester
off college,
and he never went back.
And her mother?
LISA: Her mother's
the really sad story.
Oh, I've-I've heard enough.
My return to prankdom is elegant
in its simplicity.
All we do is cut the power
in the store for 30 seconds.
And no preservatives
in the food,
so everything will
immediately go bad.
Oh, it's an honor to be
the guy you explain it to.
(panting): Bart, wait!
I like the new you.
Listen, before you flip
those circuit breakers,
look deep in your sister's eyes
and tell me what you see.
I see... love.
Unconditional love.
Which means I can do
whatever I want.
D'oh!
(power whirrs down,
shoppers murmur curiously)
(flies buzzing)
(shoppers gasping, moaning)
Ah! Save us, chemicals!
(sighs) At least the
mushrooms are okay.
That is a wheel of brie!
(gasps)
(screams)
Come on, this is the
cleanest place in town,
and you know it.
Another failed millennial.
Who is a cliché now?
Now to remove all signs
of our presence.
(rattling)
(siren wails, tires screech)
Ah! We must have used it up
during the parade.
Mm, it was a great parade.
KRUSTY:
Aw, let's get out of here!
♪ You're simply the best...
♪
I am sorry, nephew.
I was jealous, and karma has
exacted a terrible price.
Word. And I was kind
of a douche wheel.
You know, even your way
of apologizing offends me.
What is this?
(haunting ethereal music)
My ruin and my redemption.
My last two dollars.
I have nothing
to scratch it with.
Use me, Apu.
Make my life worth something.
No, Uncle A,
it's a clown move, bruh.
Or maybe, just maybe,
a genius clown move.
Ah!
Sheldon,
Sheldon...
(metal scraping)
Three Sheldons!
It is a winner,
and it is so much money,
which means so many
more tickets.
Precious, precious tickets.
I... No, no, it's money.
(kisses)
(tires screech)
(door bell dings)
Oh, it is so good to see you.
I have my store back, my friend.
But I have something that
I wanted even more, you know,
a feeling that I belong.
I'm glad I could help
by giving my son a little nudge
in the wrong direction.
And now, I have something very,
very special for you, my friend.
This is the legendary, jumbo,
golden Squishee cup.
It will be refilled by me,
for free, for the rest
of your life.
Holy moly, all
those Squishees?
How much is that
gonna cost you?
Ah, about three bucks.
(glass shattering)
(chuckles)
This time it's 'cause
I let Ralph drive.
I thought it was pretend.
Let it never be said
I cannot admit a mistake,
especially in the middle
of a recall campaign.
We will now destroy the new
Jebediah Springfield statue.
Chief, you may
fire when ready.
(shell ricochets, whistling)
(explosion)
Damn it!
Shh!
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
You've just watched
The Simpsons.
Now here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.
MULDER:
They spy on us,
tell us that makes us safer.
We've never been
in more danger.
I'm Special Agent Dana Scully,
and this is Special Agent
Fox Mulder.
What if our work, the X-Files,
everything we've been led
to believe in is a lie?
Then do something
about it.