The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 26, Episode 9 - I Won't Be Home for Christmas - full transcript
Marge kicks Homer out of the house for Christmas after he consoles Moe on Christmas Eve instead of going home.
(bellowing)
Yee-haw-ho-ho!
(school bell ringing)
(bears growling)
(whistle blows)
♪ The Simpsons 26x09 ♪
I Won't Be Home for Christmas
Original Air Date on Dec
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
(playing "Jingle Bells")
(playing bluesy riff)
♪ ♪
(growls)
(snarling)
(squawking)
(cats yowling)
(Cat Lady jabbering)
D'oh!
(bicycle bell jingling)
(grunts)
BART: Ay, caramba!
(groans)
Carrot.
(humming)
You are about to see the worst
half-hour of television ever.
All righty then.
♪ ♪
Okay, R3, let's
serve up some soup.
(whistling)
May the sauce be with you.
Oh, since when is soup sauce?
This is so non-canonical.
You have every right
to be furious.
Oh, it's as bad as I remembered, and I
haven't watched it since yesterday.
Horrible, yet enthralling.
Hooray!
A card from Dr. Hibbert.
(gasps)
Phew.
Oh.
(bird squawks)
I'll be right home, honey.
I just got to lock down
the reactor for the evening.
Tight as a drum.
See you soon.
Bart, hold the ladder still!
(gasps)
(grunts)
Oh! Wish Homer was here.
- Simpson!
- (gasps) Mr. Scrooge!
- Time for your holiday gift.
- Ooh!
In your name, a donation
has been made...
(groans)
- ...to the Salvation Army.
- (groans)
Also, you will be visited
by three spirits tonight.
No, wait. That's my schedule.
Smithers, We need to cancel
the 10:30 spirit.
Yes, sir.
(Marge humming)
MARGE: Hello.
HOMER:
Heading home, baby.
Nothing's gonna stop me now.
(shrieks)
(groaning)
Maybe a drink will help
me with my driving.
Man, those things
go off quick.
♪ Yo. ♪
(guitar plays country melody)
(metal guitar plays)
♪ Ah! ♪
VIN SCULLY: ...and the baseball
exclaimed as it flew out of sight,
this ballpark is shorter
in left field than right.
Martinez swings
and misses.
Yes! I'm recording this
during a game.
Since the United States government
declares this man to be Santa Claus,
this court will
not dispute it.
Few people know that verdict
was overturned in the sequel.
(chuckles)
I better be heading
home to my family.
Enjoy your evening
with your wonderful...
uh... neon sign.
Yeah, last year I broke it just
so the repairman would come.
But I'll be fine.
Hey, um, you
gonna be okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Super! (crying)
It's just that... you know,
I lost my ma at Christmas.
(sighs)
She took me to a mall,
and I never saw her again.
But I'll never forget that image of
her bolting for the parking lot.
Okay, okay.
I'll stay for one beer.
Oh, great, great.
But don't do it out of pity.
Pity! Pity! Have pity!
Look, I'm wrapped
around your leg here!
- Please! Please! Please!
- But I promised Marge.
Now I'm sitting on
your shoulders! Please!
Okay, okay!
(Homer groans)
(grunts)
Mom, where's Dad?
I don't know.
Aw, it's Christmas Eve, man!
We do not want to set a precedent
for fat guys being late tonight!
(grunts)
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night... ♪
(laughs)
I'm happy on Christmas Eve.
And for once it's not 'cause some
drunk left a wallet on his stool.
Uh-oh, this is
starting to hurt.
(grunts)
(laughs)
And now, Homer, it's only fair
that I give yous a gift.
I'm gonna set the clock
in the bar to the correct time.
HOMER:
Hey, what the... (gasps)
I am so late!
Whoa, whoa.
It's the night before Christmas!
Stop stirring, you!
(grunts)
(ticking)
One night.
The one night of the year I want
Homer home with his family,
and he can't even do that.
Christmas is a great time
to dump him.
If you do it now, you won't have
to watch the Super Bowl.
(tires squealing,
car door closing)
Homer Simpson!
(gasps)
I never thought I'd say this
to someone I cared for,
much less my husband,
but I'm saying it now.
I don't want you here
on Christmas!
Marge, think about
what you're saying.
It's Sir Isaac Newton's
birthday.
Out now!
Yeah? Well, good luck assembling
all those toys without me!
We already did it.
(shrieks)
The ghost of Marge Future!
HOMER:
She'll forgive me.
MARGE:
Should I forgive him?
HOMER:
Especially this time.
MARGE:
Maybe not this time.
HOMER:
I mean it's Christmas.
MARGE: With his marriage in this much
trouble, he's got a lot of thinking to do.
HOMER: I wonder if there's
birds on the moon.
(sobbing):
I miss Marge.
WIGGUM: I wonder if Lou suspects
that I was his Secret Santa.
LOU: What kind of a cheapskate gives you
one corncob holder for Christmas?
(chuckles)
Moe, what are you doing?
♪ Good King Wenceslas
looked out ♪
♪ On the feast... ♪
JAPANESE MALE VOICE:
Voice too poor for karaoke.
Shutting down.
- Bye now.
- Oh, my God.
Santa brought me
just what I asked for!
(laughs)
Hmm. "239."
Who's he fooling?
Hmm... Hmm.
Hmm! Mm-hmm.
Hey, pal. Can't believe you
have to work Christmas Eve.
Well, if you're here
for a last minute gift,
we have a cell phone holder that
fits no cell phone made after 2002.
And, uh, Kwik-E-Nog.
Nog stands for
"Not Okayed by Government."
Maybe Marge would forgive
me if I won the lotto.
Give me a scratcher.
- D'oh! Give me another one.
- (groans)
- D'oh! Give me another one.
- (groans)
- D'oh! Give me another one.
- (groans)
- D'oh! Give me another one.
- (groans)
- D'oh! Give me another one.
- Oh please, stop! Stop it!
My religion prohibits me from taking
advantage of a fool more than ten times.
This thing basically
has no winners.
Yeah, but doesn't
the money goes to schools?
You have been to our schools.
What do you think?
Welcome to Bring Us
Your Toilet Paper night.
Don't worry,
none goes to Willie.
Don't need it.
I got me Starbucks napkins!
You know, ironically, in
India, they did use the money
for schools and they
had fantastic results.
Aw, thanks for
your honesty, Apu.
Is there any other product in the
store you'd like to warn me about?
Well, uh... those hot dogs
began life as Twinkies.
(sizzling)
Wow.
(pop, crackling)
(groans)
Christmas Eve.
The one night a kid wants to go to
sleep is the one night he can't.
I can't have
another cocoa.
My pee is starting to
smell like a ski chalet.
(door opens)
Oh, thank God you're here.
I need to get to sleep. Tell
me the story of jazz again.
Well, the story of jazz starts
with the tresillo,
the most prevalent duple-pulse rhythmic
cell in sub-Saharan African music.
But the rest will have to wait.
Bart, Bart, I hear Mom sobbing.
And I don't know
where Dad is.
If it helps, I made you a card.
Bart, this is the year
I've got to nail Christmas.
I don't want to be a jaded
ten-year-old like you!
Ah, yes. I remember Christmas
Eve when I was eight.
MARGE: Why do you always wait till the
last minute to put up the lights?
HOMER: I don't want to ruin the magic.
And I certainly... Aah!
(gurgling)
Next year this
is your job.
(electrical crackling)
(grunting)
(grunting)
Ooh!
(grunting)
Hmm, they say a boy never
gets over seeing his dad
in a Santa suit getting hanged and
electrocuted on Christmas Eve.
I'll help you, kid.
(sighs heavily)
Mom, I'm just a kid, but I say if
Dad isn't here Christmas morning,
that's the kind of thing
families never recover from.
Hmm. Lisa, sweetie, I'm
tired of being a pushover.
- You're not a pushover.
- You can't smoke.
- Just chewing on the wood.
- Okay then.
(clattering)
(groans)
Eh, how you doing there?
Uh, your front door was locked, So,
uh, rather than call or knock,
I, uh, came down
your chimbley there.
(coughs)
Moe Szyslak, you didn't climb down our
chimney just to say "Merry Christmas."
(coughing)
(clears throat)
Midge, it's one minute
till Christmas,
and if I'm ever gonna be
a good guy, it's now.
All right, here I go.
I'm the one that kept Homer from coming
home, 'cause, uh, well, I was lonely.
(gasps)
Yeah, that's right--
Me, Mr. Party Pants.
So, uh, so don't hold
it against Homer, eh?
Oh, my poor Homie.
This is what
I was hoping for.
For it not to have been
completely his fault.
Thank you, Moe.
- (mumbling): Huh?
- I'm sorry, Marge, I'm sorry,
but it was Christmas, and
we were under the mistletoe.
That's lettuce caught
in a spider's web.
- All right.
- I've got to call Homer.
(buzzing)
(beeps)
D'oh!
What gives? Don't you get
Showtime Extreme?
(groans)
No answer. Let's go
find your father.
What? I never
give up hope.
Neither do I.
Even the anchor
store's closed.
("Someday at Christmas" plays)
♪ Someday at Christmas ♪
♪ Men won't be boys ♪
♪ Playing with bombs ♪
♪ Like kids play with toys ♪
♪ One warm December
our hearts will see ♪
♪ A world where men are free ♪
♪ Mm ♪
♪ Someday at Christmas... ♪
- Any uplifting holiday movies?
- Well, let's see.
We've got a film about
a nutty professor...
- Ooh.
- ...with advanced Alzheimer's.
D'oh!
- Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill...
- Yeah?
...in a concentration
camp drama.
D'oh!
- And a cute model...
- Ooh!
...airplane that
lost its propeller.
Um, I guess I'll take
the concentration camp one.
And a Merry Christmas
to you, sir.
♪ ♪
(sighs)
Well, if I got to spend Christmas Eve
alone, at least no one will see me.
Hey-ya, Homer!
(barking)
Ah, just 'cause you're here
shouldn't make you sad.
This is my 17th Christmas
alone in a movie theater.
This is my family. The guy
with the smelly pants,
the lady that carries
empty cans in a PBS tote bag.
Ugh, what if I left now and gave
you guys my popcorn and soda?
Wow, Homer, you have
a very generous side.
Can I borrow,
like, $10,000?
Flanders?
What are you doing here?
Christmas is
my busy season.
Sold three pairs of
scissors this month.
Two came back.
Say, Flanders, with all the hard luck
you've had, how do you stay so happy?
And don't say "Jesus."
Well, sir, our good Lord and
my boys are all I've really got.
All Edna left me was wonderful
memories and some ungraded papers,
which I'm still working
my way through. (sniffles)
Flanders, are you crying?
Ah, just snowflakes
on my mustache.
Listen, could I buy
a left-handed, uh...
I don't know,
eyelash curler?
Sure, but y-your eyelashes are
long and luxurious already.
Are you just buying this
to be nice?
Uh, maybe.
Oh, Homer, unto us this
day, a neighbor is born.
But why?
Because jerk-ass Homer
has become ass-jerk Homer.
Well, that curled my
lashes, but good for you.
(chuckles)
You're all right,
stupid Flanders.
You're all right.
Well, this is a whole new
relationship for us.
We'll be friends
in this life and the next.
HOMER:
Whoa, he's getting serious.
Is this what I really want?
(whimpering)
My best friend is
a great runner.
I made everyone
happy but me.
Some Christmas.
(sobbing):
Feliz navidad.
(wind whistling)
(vehicle approaching,
tires screeching)
Abe Simpson, please.
- Visitor for Abe Simpson.
- You came!
- You came to see me!
- (Bart grunting) Aw!
Easter came early this year.
I thought we were just
gonna ask if he'd seen Homer.
I'm afraid we've
awoken a needy giant.
Visitors!
Let's brew some weak tea and
talk about the good ol' days!
Make them turn
the TV to CBS!
("Hark! The Herald
Angels Sing" plays)
(electrical crackling)
Well, with all that you
folks have experienced,
I think we could enjoy listening
to a little of your wisdom.
The problem with
Puerto Ricans is...
No casual racism.
(Homer snoring)
(muttering)
What the...?
The Nutcracker.
Every child's favorite
Christmas character.
Is this a dream?
Not a dream. I work at the mall.
And it's closed, so scram.
Man, you are a nutcracker.
But I've learned
something tonight--
You know how everyone hates being
with their family on Christmas?
- Uh-huh. - Well, being
without them is worse.
Can you find it in your wooden
heart to give me a break?
All right, listen, pal, uh...
you want to go to a party?
(dance music plays)
What are you doing here?
Halloween merchandise goes
on sale December 26, man.
("O Holy Night" plays)
Well, he's not in
the neon sign store.
- Lady, buy a sign or go home.
- I'm sorry.
I'm trying to find my husband,
and nothing's open.
Well, there is
a party here.
Hey, is your husband into
people dressed like food?
Where is this party?!
(electrical crackling)
♪ ♪
Oh, my God. Is that girl
really doing that?!
Mm, load-bearing wall.
(whoops)
(moans)
Ho, ho, ho!
This party's great,
but all I wish is that I was drinking
a beer with my kids right now.
- MARGE: Homer?
- Hmm?!
Homie, I'm your
present tonight.
And the present is that I'm not gonna
always assume that you screwed up.
Because I realize maybe there's a
good explanation for what you do.
Or a crazy one that's
pretty entertaining.
Oh, Marge, you found me!
You always find me.
Now we just have to find your
car in the mall parking lot.
I thought I had one of
those chirping keys.
Oh, well, I've been
faking the noise.
'Cause you deserve
the best.
(imitates car chirp)
You didn't have to do that.
I love you just the same.
(imitates car chirp)
(moaning)
Thank you magical creatures
of the mall!
You have all taught me a Christmas
message I'll never forget--
The place to get drunk
is at home.
("Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"
plays)
All right, I'm
sick of waiting.
Bart, you know you can't open a
present till Mom and Dad wake up.
(scoffs)
It's 9:10 a.m.
I know what they're doing--
They're up in bed watching the re-broadcast
of the Hollywood Christmas Parade.
- Oops, my finger slipped.
- Oops! So did mine.
(Bart and Lisa laughing)
- BART: Oh, I got a baseball glove.
- LISA: I got a chemistry set.
BART:
I want yours.
GOD:
Merry Christmas, son.
Uh, don't you mean
"Happy Birthday"?
GOD:
It's two presents.
Um, walkie-talkies don't
count as two presents.
God. I mean, you.
JESUS:
Idiot.
Behold, our
miracle of birth.
Each birth is followed by another
birth just seconds later.
(grunting)
What the?!
This isn't Halloween.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
Yee-haw-ho-ho!
(school bell ringing)
(bears growling)
(whistle blows)
♪ The Simpsons 26x09 ♪
I Won't Be Home for Christmas
Original Air Date on Dec
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
(playing "Jingle Bells")
(playing bluesy riff)
♪ ♪
(growls)
(snarling)
(squawking)
(cats yowling)
(Cat Lady jabbering)
D'oh!
(bicycle bell jingling)
(grunts)
BART: Ay, caramba!
(groans)
Carrot.
(humming)
You are about to see the worst
half-hour of television ever.
All righty then.
♪ ♪
Okay, R3, let's
serve up some soup.
(whistling)
May the sauce be with you.
Oh, since when is soup sauce?
This is so non-canonical.
You have every right
to be furious.
Oh, it's as bad as I remembered, and I
haven't watched it since yesterday.
Horrible, yet enthralling.
Hooray!
A card from Dr. Hibbert.
(gasps)
Phew.
Oh.
(bird squawks)
I'll be right home, honey.
I just got to lock down
the reactor for the evening.
Tight as a drum.
See you soon.
Bart, hold the ladder still!
(gasps)
(grunts)
Oh! Wish Homer was here.
- Simpson!
- (gasps) Mr. Scrooge!
- Time for your holiday gift.
- Ooh!
In your name, a donation
has been made...
(groans)
- ...to the Salvation Army.
- (groans)
Also, you will be visited
by three spirits tonight.
No, wait. That's my schedule.
Smithers, We need to cancel
the 10:30 spirit.
Yes, sir.
(Marge humming)
MARGE: Hello.
HOMER:
Heading home, baby.
Nothing's gonna stop me now.
(shrieks)
(groaning)
Maybe a drink will help
me with my driving.
Man, those things
go off quick.
♪ Yo. ♪
(guitar plays country melody)
(metal guitar plays)
♪ Ah! ♪
VIN SCULLY: ...and the baseball
exclaimed as it flew out of sight,
this ballpark is shorter
in left field than right.
Martinez swings
and misses.
Yes! I'm recording this
during a game.
Since the United States government
declares this man to be Santa Claus,
this court will
not dispute it.
Few people know that verdict
was overturned in the sequel.
(chuckles)
I better be heading
home to my family.
Enjoy your evening
with your wonderful...
uh... neon sign.
Yeah, last year I broke it just
so the repairman would come.
But I'll be fine.
Hey, um, you
gonna be okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Super! (crying)
It's just that... you know,
I lost my ma at Christmas.
(sighs)
She took me to a mall,
and I never saw her again.
But I'll never forget that image of
her bolting for the parking lot.
Okay, okay.
I'll stay for one beer.
Oh, great, great.
But don't do it out of pity.
Pity! Pity! Have pity!
Look, I'm wrapped
around your leg here!
- Please! Please! Please!
- But I promised Marge.
Now I'm sitting on
your shoulders! Please!
Okay, okay!
(Homer groans)
(grunts)
Mom, where's Dad?
I don't know.
Aw, it's Christmas Eve, man!
We do not want to set a precedent
for fat guys being late tonight!
(grunts)
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night... ♪
(laughs)
I'm happy on Christmas Eve.
And for once it's not 'cause some
drunk left a wallet on his stool.
Uh-oh, this is
starting to hurt.
(grunts)
(laughs)
And now, Homer, it's only fair
that I give yous a gift.
I'm gonna set the clock
in the bar to the correct time.
HOMER:
Hey, what the... (gasps)
I am so late!
Whoa, whoa.
It's the night before Christmas!
Stop stirring, you!
(grunts)
(ticking)
One night.
The one night of the year I want
Homer home with his family,
and he can't even do that.
Christmas is a great time
to dump him.
If you do it now, you won't have
to watch the Super Bowl.
(tires squealing,
car door closing)
Homer Simpson!
(gasps)
I never thought I'd say this
to someone I cared for,
much less my husband,
but I'm saying it now.
I don't want you here
on Christmas!
Marge, think about
what you're saying.
It's Sir Isaac Newton's
birthday.
Out now!
Yeah? Well, good luck assembling
all those toys without me!
We already did it.
(shrieks)
The ghost of Marge Future!
HOMER:
She'll forgive me.
MARGE:
Should I forgive him?
HOMER:
Especially this time.
MARGE:
Maybe not this time.
HOMER:
I mean it's Christmas.
MARGE: With his marriage in this much
trouble, he's got a lot of thinking to do.
HOMER: I wonder if there's
birds on the moon.
(sobbing):
I miss Marge.
WIGGUM: I wonder if Lou suspects
that I was his Secret Santa.
LOU: What kind of a cheapskate gives you
one corncob holder for Christmas?
(chuckles)
Moe, what are you doing?
♪ Good King Wenceslas
looked out ♪
♪ On the feast... ♪
JAPANESE MALE VOICE:
Voice too poor for karaoke.
Shutting down.
- Bye now.
- Oh, my God.
Santa brought me
just what I asked for!
(laughs)
Hmm. "239."
Who's he fooling?
Hmm... Hmm.
Hmm! Mm-hmm.
Hey, pal. Can't believe you
have to work Christmas Eve.
Well, if you're here
for a last minute gift,
we have a cell phone holder that
fits no cell phone made after 2002.
And, uh, Kwik-E-Nog.
Nog stands for
"Not Okayed by Government."
Maybe Marge would forgive
me if I won the lotto.
Give me a scratcher.
- D'oh! Give me another one.
- (groans)
- D'oh! Give me another one.
- (groans)
- D'oh! Give me another one.
- (groans)
- D'oh! Give me another one.
- (groans)
- D'oh! Give me another one.
- Oh please, stop! Stop it!
My religion prohibits me from taking
advantage of a fool more than ten times.
This thing basically
has no winners.
Yeah, but doesn't
the money goes to schools?
You have been to our schools.
What do you think?
Welcome to Bring Us
Your Toilet Paper night.
Don't worry,
none goes to Willie.
Don't need it.
I got me Starbucks napkins!
You know, ironically, in
India, they did use the money
for schools and they
had fantastic results.
Aw, thanks for
your honesty, Apu.
Is there any other product in the
store you'd like to warn me about?
Well, uh... those hot dogs
began life as Twinkies.
(sizzling)
Wow.
(pop, crackling)
(groans)
Christmas Eve.
The one night a kid wants to go to
sleep is the one night he can't.
I can't have
another cocoa.
My pee is starting to
smell like a ski chalet.
(door opens)
Oh, thank God you're here.
I need to get to sleep. Tell
me the story of jazz again.
Well, the story of jazz starts
with the tresillo,
the most prevalent duple-pulse rhythmic
cell in sub-Saharan African music.
But the rest will have to wait.
Bart, Bart, I hear Mom sobbing.
And I don't know
where Dad is.
If it helps, I made you a card.
Bart, this is the year
I've got to nail Christmas.
I don't want to be a jaded
ten-year-old like you!
Ah, yes. I remember Christmas
Eve when I was eight.
MARGE: Why do you always wait till the
last minute to put up the lights?
HOMER: I don't want to ruin the magic.
And I certainly... Aah!
(gurgling)
Next year this
is your job.
(electrical crackling)
(grunting)
(grunting)
Ooh!
(grunting)
Hmm, they say a boy never
gets over seeing his dad
in a Santa suit getting hanged and
electrocuted on Christmas Eve.
I'll help you, kid.
(sighs heavily)
Mom, I'm just a kid, but I say if
Dad isn't here Christmas morning,
that's the kind of thing
families never recover from.
Hmm. Lisa, sweetie, I'm
tired of being a pushover.
- You're not a pushover.
- You can't smoke.
- Just chewing on the wood.
- Okay then.
(clattering)
(groans)
Eh, how you doing there?
Uh, your front door was locked, So,
uh, rather than call or knock,
I, uh, came down
your chimbley there.
(coughs)
Moe Szyslak, you didn't climb down our
chimney just to say "Merry Christmas."
(coughing)
(clears throat)
Midge, it's one minute
till Christmas,
and if I'm ever gonna be
a good guy, it's now.
All right, here I go.
I'm the one that kept Homer from coming
home, 'cause, uh, well, I was lonely.
(gasps)
Yeah, that's right--
Me, Mr. Party Pants.
So, uh, so don't hold
it against Homer, eh?
Oh, my poor Homie.
This is what
I was hoping for.
For it not to have been
completely his fault.
Thank you, Moe.
- (mumbling): Huh?
- I'm sorry, Marge, I'm sorry,
but it was Christmas, and
we were under the mistletoe.
That's lettuce caught
in a spider's web.
- All right.
- I've got to call Homer.
(buzzing)
(beeps)
D'oh!
What gives? Don't you get
Showtime Extreme?
(groans)
No answer. Let's go
find your father.
What? I never
give up hope.
Neither do I.
Even the anchor
store's closed.
("Someday at Christmas" plays)
♪ Someday at Christmas ♪
♪ Men won't be boys ♪
♪ Playing with bombs ♪
♪ Like kids play with toys ♪
♪ One warm December
our hearts will see ♪
♪ A world where men are free ♪
♪ Mm ♪
♪ Someday at Christmas... ♪
- Any uplifting holiday movies?
- Well, let's see.
We've got a film about
a nutty professor...
- Ooh.
- ...with advanced Alzheimer's.
D'oh!
- Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill...
- Yeah?
...in a concentration
camp drama.
D'oh!
- And a cute model...
- Ooh!
...airplane that
lost its propeller.
Um, I guess I'll take
the concentration camp one.
And a Merry Christmas
to you, sir.
♪ ♪
(sighs)
Well, if I got to spend Christmas Eve
alone, at least no one will see me.
Hey-ya, Homer!
(barking)
Ah, just 'cause you're here
shouldn't make you sad.
This is my 17th Christmas
alone in a movie theater.
This is my family. The guy
with the smelly pants,
the lady that carries
empty cans in a PBS tote bag.
Ugh, what if I left now and gave
you guys my popcorn and soda?
Wow, Homer, you have
a very generous side.
Can I borrow,
like, $10,000?
Flanders?
What are you doing here?
Christmas is
my busy season.
Sold three pairs of
scissors this month.
Two came back.
Say, Flanders, with all the hard luck
you've had, how do you stay so happy?
And don't say "Jesus."
Well, sir, our good Lord and
my boys are all I've really got.
All Edna left me was wonderful
memories and some ungraded papers,
which I'm still working
my way through. (sniffles)
Flanders, are you crying?
Ah, just snowflakes
on my mustache.
Listen, could I buy
a left-handed, uh...
I don't know,
eyelash curler?
Sure, but y-your eyelashes are
long and luxurious already.
Are you just buying this
to be nice?
Uh, maybe.
Oh, Homer, unto us this
day, a neighbor is born.
But why?
Because jerk-ass Homer
has become ass-jerk Homer.
Well, that curled my
lashes, but good for you.
(chuckles)
You're all right,
stupid Flanders.
You're all right.
Well, this is a whole new
relationship for us.
We'll be friends
in this life and the next.
HOMER:
Whoa, he's getting serious.
Is this what I really want?
(whimpering)
My best friend is
a great runner.
I made everyone
happy but me.
Some Christmas.
(sobbing):
Feliz navidad.
(wind whistling)
(vehicle approaching,
tires screeching)
Abe Simpson, please.
- Visitor for Abe Simpson.
- You came!
- You came to see me!
- (Bart grunting) Aw!
Easter came early this year.
I thought we were just
gonna ask if he'd seen Homer.
I'm afraid we've
awoken a needy giant.
Visitors!
Let's brew some weak tea and
talk about the good ol' days!
Make them turn
the TV to CBS!
("Hark! The Herald
Angels Sing" plays)
(electrical crackling)
Well, with all that you
folks have experienced,
I think we could enjoy listening
to a little of your wisdom.
The problem with
Puerto Ricans is...
No casual racism.
(Homer snoring)
(muttering)
What the...?
The Nutcracker.
Every child's favorite
Christmas character.
Is this a dream?
Not a dream. I work at the mall.
And it's closed, so scram.
Man, you are a nutcracker.
But I've learned
something tonight--
You know how everyone hates being
with their family on Christmas?
- Uh-huh. - Well, being
without them is worse.
Can you find it in your wooden
heart to give me a break?
All right, listen, pal, uh...
you want to go to a party?
(dance music plays)
What are you doing here?
Halloween merchandise goes
on sale December 26, man.
("O Holy Night" plays)
Well, he's not in
the neon sign store.
- Lady, buy a sign or go home.
- I'm sorry.
I'm trying to find my husband,
and nothing's open.
Well, there is
a party here.
Hey, is your husband into
people dressed like food?
Where is this party?!
(electrical crackling)
♪ ♪
Oh, my God. Is that girl
really doing that?!
Mm, load-bearing wall.
(whoops)
(moans)
Ho, ho, ho!
This party's great,
but all I wish is that I was drinking
a beer with my kids right now.
- MARGE: Homer?
- Hmm?!
Homie, I'm your
present tonight.
And the present is that I'm not gonna
always assume that you screwed up.
Because I realize maybe there's a
good explanation for what you do.
Or a crazy one that's
pretty entertaining.
Oh, Marge, you found me!
You always find me.
Now we just have to find your
car in the mall parking lot.
I thought I had one of
those chirping keys.
Oh, well, I've been
faking the noise.
'Cause you deserve
the best.
(imitates car chirp)
You didn't have to do that.
I love you just the same.
(imitates car chirp)
(moaning)
Thank you magical creatures
of the mall!
You have all taught me a Christmas
message I'll never forget--
The place to get drunk
is at home.
("Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"
plays)
All right, I'm
sick of waiting.
Bart, you know you can't open a
present till Mom and Dad wake up.
(scoffs)
It's 9:10 a.m.
I know what they're doing--
They're up in bed watching the re-broadcast
of the Hollywood Christmas Parade.
- Oops, my finger slipped.
- Oops! So did mine.
(Bart and Lisa laughing)
- BART: Oh, I got a baseball glove.
- LISA: I got a chemistry set.
BART:
I want yours.
GOD:
Merry Christmas, son.
Uh, don't you mean
"Happy Birthday"?
GOD:
It's two presents.
Um, walkie-talkies don't
count as two presents.
God. I mean, you.
JESUS:
Idiot.
Behold, our
miracle of birth.
Each birth is followed by another
birth just seconds later.
(grunting)
What the?!
This isn't Halloween.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther