The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 26, Episode 7 - Blazed and Confused - full transcript

KODOS: You and your
stupid makeup.

We missed Halloween!

D'oh!

(tires screeching)

(grunts)

Ooh!

♪ The Simpsons 26x07 ♪
Blazed and Confused
Original Air Date on November 16, 2

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

(yawns)

CHALMERS:
Ah, ah, ah.

I'd like to welcome all of the principals
from the Springfield School District,



including Skin-ner!

Wein-berg!

Sack-ett!

And Gwendolyn
Hertz-feld-Mastroantonio!

We are here for the annual
Dance of the Lemons,

where each of you gets to trade your
worst teacher to another school.

The union's happy, the parents are
placated, and only the children suffer.

(over video, whispering):
Chalmskinn.

Behold your lemons!

Sociopathic child haters
who are only teachers

because they got tenure
after two short years.

That's mean!

You know what you are.

(Taser buzzing)



Uh, first lemon:

From Springfield Elementary,
going to West Springfield,

third grade teacher,
Sticky-Fingers Stella.

Now, going to
Springfield Elementary...

God have mercy.

Seymour, your new teacher is...

Everybody pray!

- This is a public school.
- I said pray!

Mr. Lassen is here.

No smoking.

So, Mr. Lassen,

you began your career
at Shelbyville Prep.

It seems that certain
wealthy parents didn't like

seeing their precious darlings
duct-taped to the wall.

Mm-hmm. And then you
entered the public system.

That's where I got this scar.

What scar?

Oh, I see you're left-handed.

So, that concludes my evaluation.
Enjoy fourth grade.

So, any dirt
on the new teacher?

Is he stingy with
the pumpkin stickers?

Does he have OCD?
OCD? OCD?

I don't know. But in ten minutes, I'm
gonna have him kneeling before Zod.

In this example, I'm Zod.

(thumping)

When he opens the door...

That's kind of scary,

but it doesn't make
me pee my pants.

Hello.

(screams)

I'm Mr. Lassen.

You mean Mr. Less-than?

(students giggle)

So, a comedian, are you?

I got a pretty solid
ten minutes.

Well, I could do five minutes
on your pathetic vest

and five minutes
on your ugly buck teeth.

And I've got a whole HBO special's
worth on your fat mama!

My mom can't afford to be fat--
she's an exotic dancer.

(chuckling):
Oh!

And in what exotic
location does she dance?

A Touch of Class.
But the "C-L" fell off.

Son, there was
never a "C-L."

I-I think I always knew that!

(sobbing)

Bart, this guy served
two tours in middle school.

Abort prank!

I will not.

Anything to delay
a spelling test.

(thumping)

Looks like I've got
a prankster on my hands.

(chuckles)

You know, son, school code says a student's
hair should be of uniform length.

What are you
gonna do to him?

Quiet... Smellson.

Smellson? I prayed no one
would ever think of that!

(razor buzzing)

BART:
Ay, caramba.

How was your first day
at school, Bart?

Terrible.

- You want to talk about it?
- No.

Oh, thank you.

Why are you wearing
your hat at dinner?

This new teacher I got
gave me a haircut.

- MARGE: Hmm?
- A haircut? Let me see.

- No.
- Come on. Please?

No, you'll laugh at me.

I won't laugh at you.
Let's see.

(laughing)

Look at me. I'm Bart.

We're sorry.

(laughing)

(laughing)

Stop that, all of you.

It's not Bart's fault that
his haircut looks so stupid.

(Homer giggles)

I didn't know that a teacher
could cut kids' hair.

Teachers' union won the right
in their last strike.

I'm going to go to that school
and talk to that teacher.

Marge, please don't
say anything.

It never makes a difference,

and then the teachers give us
stink-eye during the school fairs.

Well, if he's gonna
get a haircut,

Bart should at least
have gotten a balloon with it.

- (groans)
- (grumbles)

Well, anyway, Bart, you'll cheer up
on our camping trip this weekend.

What camping trip?

The one you booked
for us at Owl Haven.

The one you have to
reserve a year in advance.

Oh, uh, you told me not to do it
a year ago. Remember?

I don't remember that.

You're right. No one can be expected
to remember something from a year ago.

Certainly not me.
Pass the gravy.

(gasps)

Don't tell me you didn't
reserve a campsite.

Labor Day is next weekend.
There'll be nothing left.

Hey, there's always room
at Buzzard's Roost.

Excuse me, but Buzzard's Roost
is a converted parking lot.

Excuse me, but grass
is poking through.

- Why do I ever put you in charge--
- Parking lot! - Poking through!

- of the littlest thing? (crying)
- Parking lot! - Poking through!

My biggest sin
is that I dare to hope.

(crying)

Oh, Marge, I can't stand it
when you cry at dinner.

The pork chops look traumatized.

The mashed potatoes
can't stand to watch.

Even the children
seem upset.

So trust me, I will come
through for you, baby.

Not you.

- So what do you say, Marge?
- I want so much to believe you.

And I want you
to believe me, too.

Isn't it great how
much we agree?

Looks like our blackboard
has been defaced.

Lucky for you,
I can take a joke.

(grunting)

LISA: Hello? Hello?
Is everything okay?

MILHOUSE:
Here's... Millie!

Excuse me, you
ruined my report.

Fine. You got an "A."

LISA: Oh! Yippee!
Fourth-grade "A"!

You might fool some people,
El Barto, but not me.

(electrical buzzing)

Now we're gonna learn
about electricity.

Hey, live wire.
Come up here.

Touch the generator.

Even I think
this is too far.

- Quiet, Smellson.
- It's sticking.

(grunting)

I just need to get to 60%.

Milhouse, I'm gonna
get back at Lassen.

Now, The Hobbit taught us that every
dragon has a chink in its armor.

It also taught us that New
Zealand's beautiful landscapes

and attractive tax credits add
up to a filmmaker's paradise.

For more information,
visit www.nzfilmhere.nz.

To find out Lassen's weakness, I hid
a camera in the teachers' lounge.

(grunting)

Ach! Wrong order!

You seem lonely
and kind of weird.

You left out "single."

Mind if I heat up
some goulash?

Let's continue
this online.

I've created a fake
Ms. Hoover profile.

When Lassen friends her, we'll
know everything about him.

I don't know, Bart.

You're lying about
your identity?

That's against
the terms and conditions.

We've all read the terms
and conditions, Milhouse.

Look, I really
need a campsite.

My wife is making
sandwiches.

Sorry, reservations
are a year in advance.

- What about Mosquito Cove?
- Booked.

- Skunk Canyon?
- Booked every year since 2003.

Ooh, how about the campsite where the guy
in the hockey mask kills all the campers?

Sir, that's a movie.

HOMER: Hello? Hello?
This is Homer Simpson.

742 Evergreen Terrace.

Looking for a place
for my kids and me.

And my pretty, pretty wife.
You know, alarm code 3679.

3679!

So I hear you're getting
back at Lassen.

Maybe I am. So?

You got to do it, man.
He preys on the weak.

Now, give me
your lunch money.

- I'll take that.
- (whimpers)

(cat screeches)

Here's Lassen's profile.

MILHOUSE:
What the...?

BART:
Tagged as Lassen?

(groans)

It says these were taken
at Blazing Guy.

What's Blazing Guy?

Oh, that's convenient.

Helloha.

Do you want to make your home
in a self-sustaining city

that only exists
a few days a year?

One that combines nudity,
dust storms,

children and
all-consuming fires?

Then you, my bro or brah,

are dreaming of Blazing Guy.

On the last day,

the chosen one, or Ignis, sets
fire to the giant wooden Guy

in a ritual dating back
to 1986.

The Blazing Guy Council of Elders,
in conjunction with Duraflame,

is very pleased to announce that
this year's Ignis is Jack Lassen.

(both gasp)

So if we go there with a camera to
film Lassen humiliating himself,

I'll get revenge for
him making me into this.

(chuckles)

I was trying
to even it out.

You're starting to
look like your dad.

No.

I'm lucky.
I look just like my mom.

(Marge and Lisa grunting)

Gosh, that was a hard
sleeping bag to roll up.

Those were your
father's sweatpants.

(sighs)

Marge, I have a confession
to make about this trip.

(quietly):
Dad, don't worry.

I got you a place.

Hmm? Once again, I've been
saved from any consequences.

It'll keep happening
till one day

I create a mess so enormous
it can't be cleaned up.

Thanks, boy.

♪ A-camping we will go ♪

♪ But where?
I still don't know ♪

♪ A place that's filled
with sun and sand ♪

♪ A desert
steampunk Disneyland ♪

♪ Keep expectations low... ♪

♪ Swing low, sweet chariot... ♪

Hmm.

(Homer laughing)

Homer Simpson, I love you.

Oh.

(gasps)

A world of anarchic
free expression.

Cars shaped like cupcakes!

- I'm home.
- I'm home.

- (gasps) - No, no, no, don't
blow me out, wise guy.

Not in the mood.

(groans)

I'm not sure this campground
is family-friendly.

All camping is pointless.

You drive hundreds
of miles to shower and sleep

in a place with
no bathroom or beds.

I guess what I'm trying
to say is: Where's Maggie?

(groans, screams)

We brought
Cheerios for you.

Now, you know the wind
does kick up here.

Hope you went three feet
down with your tent stakes.

Uh, listen here,
Desert Arnaz.

Homer Simpson knows
how to pitch a tent.

Hey man, can I bum a tent?

(groans)

You seem stressed.

Have some calming tea.

Finally. A normal person.

Ah. Thank you, Miss, um...

Calypso Self-Knowledge.

Is that tea... adulterated?

Does that look like
something I'd do?

HOMER:
Hey, Marge.

We got a new tent
from a guy who just O.D.'d.

Aw, let me get
a picture of that.

(alarm whooping)
(cell phone chimes)

BOTH:
Aw.

I think Smitty's
still inside.

Oh, too bad
he's missing this.

So many musical choices.

A brass band.

Barbershop quintet?

The human kazoo.

Oh, a drum circle.

(rhythmic drumming)

(peppy tooting)

Uh... can I help you, freak?

No.

(plays a sad tune)

BART:
There he is.

(gasps)

His nipples are
asymmetrical.

This could ruin him.

Milhouse, everyone here
is a total freak.

We have to find a way to
completely humiliate Lassen.

Get a picture of a restaurant
check with no tip,

put it online,
say it was him.

Kaboom, he's finished.

Mmm.

Oh.

Suddenly this place
doesn't seem so bad.

This place is great.

Just have to avoid these
inseam-high cactuses.

Hup, hup.

D'oh!

Oh. Are you Mr. Clean?

(scoffs) Compared to the rest
of these people, yeah.

So give the Tooth Fairy
my forwarding address,

'cause it's pretty loose.

About time.
It's the only phone.

You don't count.

Maybe we should just
give up on Lassen.

No. This Ignis thing is
the biggest deal of his life.

And I'm gonna wreck it.
Because he scarred me forever.

Hey, it grew back.
A little better, even.

So full and lush.

Enough.

Mmm.

It's like someone ironed out
all the wrinkles in my brain.

(gasps)

(upbeat tune plays)

(wind whistling)

Get in the tent.

D'oh!

Oh, you always save me,
trombone elephant.

(imitates elephant)

Hmm.

BART:
Fire retardant?

If Lassen can't light that
thing, he'll be humiliated.

What good is an Ignis
who can't blaze the guy?

I'm scared, Bart.
And I am never scared.

(gasps)

Hideous.

(loud beeping)

These kids are gonna
ruin the ceremony.

It's too bad
I'm just an illusion.

Homie, you promised me an
incredible camping trip,

and I got one.

Just like I planned.

You got very
lucky this time.

- Don't push it.
- I understand.

I already signed up
for this place next year.

I gave my form and $200
cash to that dude.

D'oh!

(drums, saxophone,
kazoo playing)

Ignis, approach
the Burning Man.

I mean Blazing Guy.

(crowd groaning)

Get the job done.

You're not helping.

(crowd boos, hisses)

Strip him of his nudity.

(laughing)

- You.
- (both gasp)

Maybe we won't have Blazing Guy,
but we can still have...

blazing boy.

What, uh...

- (tooting)
- (screaming)

Help me, desert weirdos.

(both gasp)

I'll take those.

Beware the
butterfly's sting.

What the...?

(creaks)

Form a human prison
and hold him for five days.

No.
(grunts)

Wait, how many days?

(laughing)

Hey, listen, we should
probably get home.

My dad forgot
to bring water.

(smacks tongue)

Whoa. When will this tea
get out of my system?

(upbeat tune plays)

Haw-haw!

What the...?

According to this file from
Blazing Guy Secret Security,

your behavior was so egregious we can do
something that we've never done before:

Fire a teacher.

Hand in your red pen.

Oh. Not gonna pass
fingernail inspection tonight.

So where do you
go from here?

A place where my talents
will be appreciated.

All right, lights out.

You, too, freak.

(groans)

You hate him, too?

With every fiber of what's left
of my wretched soul.

We should team up.
I can get you out of here.

A partner? Intriguing.

Who gets to gut him like a
little pot-bellied salmon?

I assumed we'd take turns.

No deal.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

Shh!