The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 26, Episode 5 - Opposites A-Frack - full transcript
Marge's sisters stay with the Simpsons whilst their apartment is being fumigated but their smoking almost causes an explosion when it is discovered that the house is built over a shale deposit. Burns starts a fracking operation and Lisa calls in Assemblywoman Maxine Lombard to stop him though the two fall in love and the greedy occupants of Evergreen Terrace are persuaded to sell the rights to dig under their houses. Only Marge holds out, causing a rift with Homer whilst Burns dumps Maxine , who retaliates by trying to demolish his mansion to make way for liberal institutions. An enraged Burns orders Homer to commence fracking - but Marge, as ever, makes him see sense.
HOMER (laughs):
Whoo! Pork chops with gravy!
Wait. But today's
not Pork Chop Tuesday.
Or Gravy Thursday!
I also set up
some mirrors
so you could watch
hockey fights while you eat.
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, I love
Canadian-on-Canadian violence.
Oh, baby, this
is so great!
Thank you so much.
I'm just happy you're happy.
Wait a minute, that's not
something people really feel.
What's going on?
Well, I do have a favor.
Patty and Selma came home
early from their vacation,
but the cleaners
still haven't gotten
all the black mold
out of their apartment.
(deep roar)
So they need a place to stay.
Here.
(shrieks)
Paris was a bust.
They wouldn't even let
us see the Mona Lisa.
They kept yelling,
"La Joconde!
Her smile will die!"
No, Marge, no!
You can't invite
a couple of Riddlers
to stay in the Bat Cave!
You ate the food
and looked in the mirrors.
They're staying!
(gruff chuckling)
(inhaling, exhaling loudly)
(Bart and Lisa coughing)
Hmm.
Oh, honey,
one teensy problem
with this plan.
I'm a teensy bit concerned
about them smoking
around the children.
You know, their lungs
are so teensy.
Mwah! Mwah!
Hmm. He has a point.
No, no. No, no, we
don't have to smoke.
We can stop whenever
we want. See?
(hissing)
(both grunt)
Okay, how about this--
if you catch us
smoking in the house,
even one time, you can
throw us out on the street.
You know what?
I trust them not to smoke.
And if you trust them,
I trust them, too.
(devious chuckling)
Safety first!
Screw this.
We'll just go outside.
Nature is
God's ashtray.
(grunting)
(thunder crashes)
Bad news, bears.
Forecast calls for
nothing but rain.
(both groaning)
(grunting)
(glass shatters)
(humming)
Here we go.
Problem solved.
Electric cigarettes.
(loud inhaling)
Choke on our harmless fumes.
Hmm?
Well, if you
fall asleep with them,
will you even burn to death?
BOTH:
Uh-uh.
Oh.
(loud, rapid
inhaling and exhaling)
They call these cigarettes?
They don't stain my fingers,
my hair smells like hair,
and what do I stub out
in my scrambled eggs?
Sure, it's got the nicotine,
but where's the tar?
Where's the stab
from every breath
that reminds me I'm alive?
No smoke detector!
Let's roll!
(both grunting)
Wait, wait.
Turn on the faucet so
no one'll get suspicious.
(explosion)
(smoke detectors beeping)
Aha! I gotcha!
(beeping stops)
You can't resist
smoking in the house
any more than I can resist
drinking in the car.
What happened?
I don't know.
The water caught on fire.
(gasps)
And now I banish you
from paradise.
I'm glad I never
bothered to learn
which one of you is which.
Please, show some compassion
for two good people
who just can't stop smoking.
Hmm... hmm.
I know just the place.
(tires screech)
(coughing)
(both sniffing)
Oh!
(shudders)
Tobacco!
(both chuckling excitedly)
(loud inhaling, exhaling)
Who needs Paris?
This is our
City of Lights!
♪
Flaming tap water.
I saw something about that
in a documentary.
Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad.
Sad. Sad. Sad.
Cute.
(gasps)
This one!
MALE NARRATOR:
In this rural community,
hydraulic fracturing,
or fracking,
was greeted as a windfall.
(crowd cheering)
By pumping high-pressure liquid
into underground
shale deposits,
fracking releases natural gas,
but can lead to devastating
environmental consequences.
(whooshes)
Yep, used to be
you could try
burning your water all day
and nothing would happen.
Henry,
did you remember
to turn off
the Slip 'N Slide?
(children laughing)
(explosion, screaming)
Well, I... reckon not.
I think someone is fracking
under our neighborhood.
And I know who.
It's you, Mr. Texan.
Oil wasn't enough--
now you're going after
our natural gas.
Aw, now, ain't nothing
natural about gas.
If you can't dance in it,
I ain't drilling for it.
I don't do this
for the money,
it's the dancing.
It's always been
the dancing.
(whooping and laughing)
(both sigh)
All right!
BART:
Oh, man.
He made us watch him dance
for three hours,
and he really
only has one move.
If someone was fracking
in our neighborhood,
wouldn't we know it?
Maybe a satellite picture
will give us a clue.
Hmm, this is clearly
a fracking site.
How are they
keeping people away?
(wind whistling)
Aw, it's a terrific sport...
Shh!
This whole building
is just a facade
for a drilling operation.
Indeed it is.
Evergreen Terrace is built
atop a massive shale deposit.
Think of it--
all that poor natural gas
trapped underneath
your shanties and lean-tos.
Smithers, give
these two brats
what they deserve
for sticking their noses
in my business.
(both groan)
(groans)
Stopping Mr. Burns
may be beyond the power
of an eight-year-old girl
with a book report due
on Beezus and Ramona,
but I know someone
who can help:
the first female
Speaker of the State Assembly,
a politician
who would never ignore
a fellow environmentalist
in need,
my hero, Maxine Lombard.
(gasps)
Charge the electric limo--
we're going to Springfield.
What about your
cool-down period?
What about it?!
Lisa! Motorcade!
Assemblywoman Lombard!
You got my e-mails!
I'll go anywhere, anytime,
to defend our precious
Bay Area values.
(gasps)
Terrible!
Just shocking.
D-Does anybody have a baby
we can hold near the flames?
I guess I do.
(sighs)
I'm gonna hit
this Mr. Burns
with a politician's
most powerful weapon:
an invitation
to a committee hearing.
Mr. Burns, do you admit
that you illegally pump
toxic chemicals
into the groundwater
below Evergreen Terrace?
(indistinct whispering)
I... don't recall.
Mr. Burns!
Have you no regard
for the life and health
of your fellow human beings?
(indistinct whispering)
I... don't recall.
You can't drill
underneath people's homes
without their permission.
As chairwoman
of this Committee on Energy,
Natural Resources
and Blimp Safety,
your fracking operation
is hereby shut down.
(groans)
I demand to see that
capitalism-castrating
suffragette this instant!
You haven't bested me.
I will find a way to
shatter that shale.
What makes men like you
think you can do
whatever you want to our planet?
Maybe the planet
wants a strong man
to take her by the hand
and lead her.
You don't know
what the planet wants.
Oh, and I
suppose you do?
The planet wants to be
protected and nourished
and maybe even...
Kissed.
(both moan)
Mwah!
♪
Wait a minute, I'm not
having a stroke, am I?
No. Am I?
I don't think so.
Oh, good.
♪
(both gasp)
You!
Me?
(shudders)
This was all a mistake--
an impulsive...
Reckless...
knee-buckling...
spat-snapping...
Spanx-shredding mistake.
(sighs):
Oh, it was great.
(chuckles): Best
I've ever had.
And that includes...
Nellie Taft.
So, Monty, shall we find
a way to continue this...
purely passionate affair?
But you're a
softhearted liberal!
And you're
a hard-hearted capitalist.
Enemies by day,
lovers by night.
Mmm... mwah!
Now, get out of my office.
As soon as I
collect my things.
Uh, derringer, sword cane,
derringer cane,
sword derringer.
All right, it's all here.
If I want to resume fracking,
I have to buy the
mineral rights
for every single parcel of
land in Evergreen Terrace.
To win people over,
I'll need a salesman
whose folksy facade masks
a deep gusher of greed.
Hmm?
(chuckles)
Congratulations, Simpson!
You're now my chief
energy innovation
marketing officer.
Whoo-hoo!
All you've got to do
is sell fracking
to your friends and neighbors.
Whoo-hoo?
I don't know,
"fracking" is one
of those scary Lisa words.
Bah! Fracking produces
enough clean natural gas
to make America independent
of sheiks, caliphs and...
Scandinavians.
Not to mention,
it doesn't create
any of that awful
worker-mutating nuclear waste.
Homer, game starts
in an hour.
Don't forget to set
your fantasy lineup.
Thanks, Charlie.
Maybe fracking isn't so bad.
Then say yes to this raise,
this promotion
and this flannel shirt,
which says:
"I'm not screwing you over."
I'm not screwing you over.
No, uh, I'm not
screwing you over.
I'm not screwing you over.
(crying):
I'm so proud of you, Papa.
Some folks will tell you
that fracking's no good,
but what they don't tell you is,
hydraulic fracturing
creates jobs.
And all those new workers
are gonna want
to spend their earnings buying
what you're selling-- beer.
Authentic Italian food.
Useless left-handed crap.
Magical nonsense.
Expensive toys for grown-ups
they don't open or play with.
Pornography and nachos.
High-quality
Spanish-language programming.
High-quality
methamphetamines.
Laundry, homework, pranks,
poop, poop and poop.
But our water was on fire.
How could you sell fracking
for Mr. Burns?
'Cause I've never gotten
a promotion before.
Once I thought I had,
but it turned out
to be a beautifully-worded
firing,
so judge me all you want.
I am judging you.
Good. Judge away.
Judge, judge,
judge, judge, judge.
Don't care. Don't care.
Judge, judge, judge,
judge, judge, judge.
Don't care. Don't care.
Judge, judge, judge.
Judge, judge.
Don't care.
Don't care.
Pumping frack cash.
It's a gas cash... blast?
Residents of Evergreen Terrace
are undecided
whether to sell their
mineral rights to Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns is a vampire sucking
the lifeblood of this town
and lining his coffin with cash.
Oh, Maxine, no one insults me
in a sound bite the way you do.
Oh, Monty, you're such
a sexy little Nosferatu.
Same time tomorrow night?
(chuckles)
I'll bring the oxygen.
(quietly):
Better bring two tanks.
Hmm?
FRINK:
And so,
we see a clear
correlation
between industrial
hydro compounds
and water table
contamination
well outside the...
margin of error.
Mr. Simpson, rebuttal?
(clears throat)
Everyone who signs over
their mineral rights
to Mr. Burns gets $5,000.
5,000 smackers?!
Money is like
a job you don't
even have to do!
(dance music playing)
Ay, dinero.
Signing Stu.
(laughter)
I think my arguments were
more cogent-- bo-hyvik.
What?!
Cogent-- bo-hyvik!
Mr. Burns, we did it!
Everyone in the neighborhood
sold us their gas rights!
Hmm.
Excellent.
No, no. It's excellent.
It's excellent.
Uh, maybe you can
help me, Simpson.
You've had a relationship
or two in your life.
(laughing):
Well... one.
I have embarked on a
"beneficial friendship"
with a woman with whom I
have nothing in common.
Her opinions are abhorrent
to me, but the passion.
Well, look at these racy texts
she sends me.
(rhythmic clicking)
Oh, baby.
How long can I sustain
this high-wire act
of loathing and lust?
Well, I'm no Carl
when it comes to this stuff,
but I ain't no Lenny, neither.
And I would say...
no matter how much you try
to keep things casual,
someone always gets hurt.
Hmm. Well, then I must harden my
heart against such an outcome.
I appreciate the counsel,
Simpson.
Now, please trap-door
yourself out.
Glad I could be of help!
(indistinct chatter)
Do you have the
signed gas leases?
BURNS:
Hold on.
This feels light.
Ah. One of these deeds
is missing a signature.
The gas rights transfer form
for 742 Evergreen Terrace
was never signed by...
Marge Simpson.
(gasps)
Marge, why
didn't you sign?
Our water was on fire!
I'm sorry, but
the law states
that unless every single
resident sells their rights,
Burns can't
frack drop one!
ALL:
Oh!
Oh, I was counting on that money
to pay for my other
calf implant.
Yuck.
I already felt the pride
of energy independence.
(loud, overlapping
crowd chatter)
Marge Simpson,
I'm as mad at you
as you usually
are at me!
(gasps)
Hmm!
(indistinct chatter)
(wind whistling)
Cheer up, Monty.
All you lost was money,
but what you get is... me.
(cracking)
All I lost was money?
(laughs)
Let me make one thing
perfectly clear.
Our dalliance meant
nothing to me!
You were but a sprig of parsley
garnishing my beefsteak.
Now I cast you aside
for the busboys to gnaw upon.
Considered this ill-conceived
affair terminated!
(gasps)
(chuckling)
I played this just perfectly.
Oh, yeah, great.
Great, Marge, great work.
Thanks to you, Springfield will
never be a natural gas boomtown,
and like all boomtowns,
it would have lasted forever.
Oh! Our water was on fire!
Oh! Won fire. Was!
I finally got a job
I was good at,
and now I have to give it up!
So, you've come begging
not to be fired?
Smithers, turn my back
on this man!
Maximum huff!
Wait, Mr. Burns.
I'm here to man up.
It was all
my wife's fault!
(sighs heavily)
Sometimes I think she and I
have nothing in common!
Nothing in common,
eh? Tell me more.
Marge likes sushi.
I like gum that
squirts in your mouth.
She's into romantic comedies.
I like movies where there's only
one day a year
when murder is legal.
Yup, Marge and I see the world
in totally different ways.
Hmm. Different, exactly.
That's why I had to give
my woman the old heave-ho.
So, you don't miss
that politics lady at all?
Not for one
Chinese second.
And I'm sure
she's forgotten all about me.
(both gasp)
Killdozers.
Whatever are you doing, man?!
We're tearing down this place
and putting up
a recycling center,
slash Native American
history museum,
slash condor
sanctuary.
(screeching)
Hmm. A project this bloated
and ill thought out
could only be the work
of an angry liberal.
(gasps)
Maxine!
My ex is using the thing
I hate most against me--
big government.
(grunts)
(camera shutter clicking)
Stop this
ribbon cutting!
This is private property!
What's the matter,
Mr. Burns?
Never heard
of eminent domain?
You're just doing this to get
back at me for dumping you!
That is ridiculous.
(gasps)
The Antonin Scalia bedroom!
It's a National Public Radio
broadcast center now.
Who are you?
I'm Robert Siegel, and this is
All Things Considered.
(theme music playing)
Stop laying about, you!
There's work to be done!
(weakly):
Or Gravy Thursday.
If that woman thinks
she's been scorned now,
she ain't seen nothing yet!
(clacking)
It's fracking time.
(squeaking)
(whooshing)
(rumbling)
(groaning)
(Bart groaning)
(grunts)
(groans)
Is one of the side effects
of fracking earthquakes?
(voice shaking):
Yes!
(rumbling continues)
What are you doing?
You're destroying
this neighborhood.
Just like
you destroyed my mansion.
I don't know what I ever saw in
you, you planet-ruining monster!
Likewise,
you planet-saving succubus!
(metallic rattling)
Homer, turn off
that horrible machine!
You don't know anything
about hydraulic fracturing!
You've just been brainwashed
by liberal TV shows
who use fracking
as an easy bad guy,
but it can save this country!
Our... water... was...
on... fire!
Wait. I finally get
what you're saying.
Fracking is great,
but the only place
it should ever happen
is in other people's towns!
Hmm.
(grunting)
(whooshing)
(grunting nervously)
You always do
the right thing... sort of.
What is he doing?
He was furious at that woman,
now he's embracing her.
He told me himself
they had nothing in common.
Nothing except passion.
Mm.
(cracking)
(hearts beating)
I was a fool
to break up with you, Maxine.
I'm sorry I turned your home
into a liberal paradise.
You think we could
make us work?
I don't know.
We're pretty different.
But we've got passion,
and as long as we've got that,
our lives will never
get boring.
Mmm.
Well, there's free
jazz on Saturdays
at the art museum.
Now they say omega-3 pills
are bad for you.
My sister's dog
had puppies.
What kind?
What kind of what?
What kind of dog
does your sister have?
I don't know.
What color drawer
pulls did you want?
Nickel or brush nickel?
Oh, I wish we'd bought the more
expensive theater tickets.
I'll never see anything
in row BB.
There's a sale on lawn
furniture at the Lawns Plus.
Why are all cars
black or gray now?
It's like if you see
a red one, it's a big deal.
I'm thinking about
wearing a watch again.
Shh!
Whoo! Pork chops with gravy!
Wait. But today's
not Pork Chop Tuesday.
Or Gravy Thursday!
I also set up
some mirrors
so you could watch
hockey fights while you eat.
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, I love
Canadian-on-Canadian violence.
Oh, baby, this
is so great!
Thank you so much.
I'm just happy you're happy.
Wait a minute, that's not
something people really feel.
What's going on?
Well, I do have a favor.
Patty and Selma came home
early from their vacation,
but the cleaners
still haven't gotten
all the black mold
out of their apartment.
(deep roar)
So they need a place to stay.
Here.
(shrieks)
Paris was a bust.
They wouldn't even let
us see the Mona Lisa.
They kept yelling,
"La Joconde!
Her smile will die!"
No, Marge, no!
You can't invite
a couple of Riddlers
to stay in the Bat Cave!
You ate the food
and looked in the mirrors.
They're staying!
(gruff chuckling)
(inhaling, exhaling loudly)
(Bart and Lisa coughing)
Hmm.
Oh, honey,
one teensy problem
with this plan.
I'm a teensy bit concerned
about them smoking
around the children.
You know, their lungs
are so teensy.
Mwah! Mwah!
Hmm. He has a point.
No, no. No, no, we
don't have to smoke.
We can stop whenever
we want. See?
(hissing)
(both grunt)
Okay, how about this--
if you catch us
smoking in the house,
even one time, you can
throw us out on the street.
You know what?
I trust them not to smoke.
And if you trust them,
I trust them, too.
(devious chuckling)
Safety first!
Screw this.
We'll just go outside.
Nature is
God's ashtray.
(grunting)
(thunder crashes)
Bad news, bears.
Forecast calls for
nothing but rain.
(both groaning)
(grunting)
(glass shatters)
(humming)
Here we go.
Problem solved.
Electric cigarettes.
(loud inhaling)
Choke on our harmless fumes.
Hmm?
Well, if you
fall asleep with them,
will you even burn to death?
BOTH:
Uh-uh.
Oh.
(loud, rapid
inhaling and exhaling)
They call these cigarettes?
They don't stain my fingers,
my hair smells like hair,
and what do I stub out
in my scrambled eggs?
Sure, it's got the nicotine,
but where's the tar?
Where's the stab
from every breath
that reminds me I'm alive?
No smoke detector!
Let's roll!
(both grunting)
Wait, wait.
Turn on the faucet so
no one'll get suspicious.
(explosion)
(smoke detectors beeping)
Aha! I gotcha!
(beeping stops)
You can't resist
smoking in the house
any more than I can resist
drinking in the car.
What happened?
I don't know.
The water caught on fire.
(gasps)
And now I banish you
from paradise.
I'm glad I never
bothered to learn
which one of you is which.
Please, show some compassion
for two good people
who just can't stop smoking.
Hmm... hmm.
I know just the place.
(tires screech)
(coughing)
(both sniffing)
Oh!
(shudders)
Tobacco!
(both chuckling excitedly)
(loud inhaling, exhaling)
Who needs Paris?
This is our
City of Lights!
♪
Flaming tap water.
I saw something about that
in a documentary.
Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad.
Sad. Sad. Sad.
Cute.
(gasps)
This one!
MALE NARRATOR:
In this rural community,
hydraulic fracturing,
or fracking,
was greeted as a windfall.
(crowd cheering)
By pumping high-pressure liquid
into underground
shale deposits,
fracking releases natural gas,
but can lead to devastating
environmental consequences.
(whooshes)
Yep, used to be
you could try
burning your water all day
and nothing would happen.
Henry,
did you remember
to turn off
the Slip 'N Slide?
(children laughing)
(explosion, screaming)
Well, I... reckon not.
I think someone is fracking
under our neighborhood.
And I know who.
It's you, Mr. Texan.
Oil wasn't enough--
now you're going after
our natural gas.
Aw, now, ain't nothing
natural about gas.
If you can't dance in it,
I ain't drilling for it.
I don't do this
for the money,
it's the dancing.
It's always been
the dancing.
(whooping and laughing)
(both sigh)
All right!
BART:
Oh, man.
He made us watch him dance
for three hours,
and he really
only has one move.
If someone was fracking
in our neighborhood,
wouldn't we know it?
Maybe a satellite picture
will give us a clue.
Hmm, this is clearly
a fracking site.
How are they
keeping people away?
(wind whistling)
Aw, it's a terrific sport...
Shh!
This whole building
is just a facade
for a drilling operation.
Indeed it is.
Evergreen Terrace is built
atop a massive shale deposit.
Think of it--
all that poor natural gas
trapped underneath
your shanties and lean-tos.
Smithers, give
these two brats
what they deserve
for sticking their noses
in my business.
(both groan)
(groans)
Stopping Mr. Burns
may be beyond the power
of an eight-year-old girl
with a book report due
on Beezus and Ramona,
but I know someone
who can help:
the first female
Speaker of the State Assembly,
a politician
who would never ignore
a fellow environmentalist
in need,
my hero, Maxine Lombard.
(gasps)
Charge the electric limo--
we're going to Springfield.
What about your
cool-down period?
What about it?!
Lisa! Motorcade!
Assemblywoman Lombard!
You got my e-mails!
I'll go anywhere, anytime,
to defend our precious
Bay Area values.
(gasps)
Terrible!
Just shocking.
D-Does anybody have a baby
we can hold near the flames?
I guess I do.
(sighs)
I'm gonna hit
this Mr. Burns
with a politician's
most powerful weapon:
an invitation
to a committee hearing.
Mr. Burns, do you admit
that you illegally pump
toxic chemicals
into the groundwater
below Evergreen Terrace?
(indistinct whispering)
I... don't recall.
Mr. Burns!
Have you no regard
for the life and health
of your fellow human beings?
(indistinct whispering)
I... don't recall.
You can't drill
underneath people's homes
without their permission.
As chairwoman
of this Committee on Energy,
Natural Resources
and Blimp Safety,
your fracking operation
is hereby shut down.
(groans)
I demand to see that
capitalism-castrating
suffragette this instant!
You haven't bested me.
I will find a way to
shatter that shale.
What makes men like you
think you can do
whatever you want to our planet?
Maybe the planet
wants a strong man
to take her by the hand
and lead her.
You don't know
what the planet wants.
Oh, and I
suppose you do?
The planet wants to be
protected and nourished
and maybe even...
Kissed.
(both moan)
Mwah!
♪
Wait a minute, I'm not
having a stroke, am I?
No. Am I?
I don't think so.
Oh, good.
♪
(both gasp)
You!
Me?
(shudders)
This was all a mistake--
an impulsive...
Reckless...
knee-buckling...
spat-snapping...
Spanx-shredding mistake.
(sighs):
Oh, it was great.
(chuckles): Best
I've ever had.
And that includes...
Nellie Taft.
So, Monty, shall we find
a way to continue this...
purely passionate affair?
But you're a
softhearted liberal!
And you're
a hard-hearted capitalist.
Enemies by day,
lovers by night.
Mmm... mwah!
Now, get out of my office.
As soon as I
collect my things.
Uh, derringer, sword cane,
derringer cane,
sword derringer.
All right, it's all here.
If I want to resume fracking,
I have to buy the
mineral rights
for every single parcel of
land in Evergreen Terrace.
To win people over,
I'll need a salesman
whose folksy facade masks
a deep gusher of greed.
Hmm?
(chuckles)
Congratulations, Simpson!
You're now my chief
energy innovation
marketing officer.
Whoo-hoo!
All you've got to do
is sell fracking
to your friends and neighbors.
Whoo-hoo?
I don't know,
"fracking" is one
of those scary Lisa words.
Bah! Fracking produces
enough clean natural gas
to make America independent
of sheiks, caliphs and...
Scandinavians.
Not to mention,
it doesn't create
any of that awful
worker-mutating nuclear waste.
Homer, game starts
in an hour.
Don't forget to set
your fantasy lineup.
Thanks, Charlie.
Maybe fracking isn't so bad.
Then say yes to this raise,
this promotion
and this flannel shirt,
which says:
"I'm not screwing you over."
I'm not screwing you over.
No, uh, I'm not
screwing you over.
I'm not screwing you over.
(crying):
I'm so proud of you, Papa.
Some folks will tell you
that fracking's no good,
but what they don't tell you is,
hydraulic fracturing
creates jobs.
And all those new workers
are gonna want
to spend their earnings buying
what you're selling-- beer.
Authentic Italian food.
Useless left-handed crap.
Magical nonsense.
Expensive toys for grown-ups
they don't open or play with.
Pornography and nachos.
High-quality
Spanish-language programming.
High-quality
methamphetamines.
Laundry, homework, pranks,
poop, poop and poop.
But our water was on fire.
How could you sell fracking
for Mr. Burns?
'Cause I've never gotten
a promotion before.
Once I thought I had,
but it turned out
to be a beautifully-worded
firing,
so judge me all you want.
I am judging you.
Good. Judge away.
Judge, judge,
judge, judge, judge.
Don't care. Don't care.
Judge, judge, judge,
judge, judge, judge.
Don't care. Don't care.
Judge, judge, judge.
Judge, judge.
Don't care.
Don't care.
Pumping frack cash.
It's a gas cash... blast?
Residents of Evergreen Terrace
are undecided
whether to sell their
mineral rights to Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns is a vampire sucking
the lifeblood of this town
and lining his coffin with cash.
Oh, Maxine, no one insults me
in a sound bite the way you do.
Oh, Monty, you're such
a sexy little Nosferatu.
Same time tomorrow night?
(chuckles)
I'll bring the oxygen.
(quietly):
Better bring two tanks.
Hmm?
FRINK:
And so,
we see a clear
correlation
between industrial
hydro compounds
and water table
contamination
well outside the...
margin of error.
Mr. Simpson, rebuttal?
(clears throat)
Everyone who signs over
their mineral rights
to Mr. Burns gets $5,000.
5,000 smackers?!
Money is like
a job you don't
even have to do!
(dance music playing)
Ay, dinero.
Signing Stu.
(laughter)
I think my arguments were
more cogent-- bo-hyvik.
What?!
Cogent-- bo-hyvik!
Mr. Burns, we did it!
Everyone in the neighborhood
sold us their gas rights!
Hmm.
Excellent.
No, no. It's excellent.
It's excellent.
Uh, maybe you can
help me, Simpson.
You've had a relationship
or two in your life.
(laughing):
Well... one.
I have embarked on a
"beneficial friendship"
with a woman with whom I
have nothing in common.
Her opinions are abhorrent
to me, but the passion.
Well, look at these racy texts
she sends me.
(rhythmic clicking)
Oh, baby.
How long can I sustain
this high-wire act
of loathing and lust?
Well, I'm no Carl
when it comes to this stuff,
but I ain't no Lenny, neither.
And I would say...
no matter how much you try
to keep things casual,
someone always gets hurt.
Hmm. Well, then I must harden my
heart against such an outcome.
I appreciate the counsel,
Simpson.
Now, please trap-door
yourself out.
Glad I could be of help!
(indistinct chatter)
Do you have the
signed gas leases?
BURNS:
Hold on.
This feels light.
Ah. One of these deeds
is missing a signature.
The gas rights transfer form
for 742 Evergreen Terrace
was never signed by...
Marge Simpson.
(gasps)
Marge, why
didn't you sign?
Our water was on fire!
I'm sorry, but
the law states
that unless every single
resident sells their rights,
Burns can't
frack drop one!
ALL:
Oh!
Oh, I was counting on that money
to pay for my other
calf implant.
Yuck.
I already felt the pride
of energy independence.
(loud, overlapping
crowd chatter)
Marge Simpson,
I'm as mad at you
as you usually
are at me!
(gasps)
Hmm!
(indistinct chatter)
(wind whistling)
Cheer up, Monty.
All you lost was money,
but what you get is... me.
(cracking)
All I lost was money?
(laughs)
Let me make one thing
perfectly clear.
Our dalliance meant
nothing to me!
You were but a sprig of parsley
garnishing my beefsteak.
Now I cast you aside
for the busboys to gnaw upon.
Considered this ill-conceived
affair terminated!
(gasps)
(chuckling)
I played this just perfectly.
Oh, yeah, great.
Great, Marge, great work.
Thanks to you, Springfield will
never be a natural gas boomtown,
and like all boomtowns,
it would have lasted forever.
Oh! Our water was on fire!
Oh! Won fire. Was!
I finally got a job
I was good at,
and now I have to give it up!
So, you've come begging
not to be fired?
Smithers, turn my back
on this man!
Maximum huff!
Wait, Mr. Burns.
I'm here to man up.
It was all
my wife's fault!
(sighs heavily)
Sometimes I think she and I
have nothing in common!
Nothing in common,
eh? Tell me more.
Marge likes sushi.
I like gum that
squirts in your mouth.
She's into romantic comedies.
I like movies where there's only
one day a year
when murder is legal.
Yup, Marge and I see the world
in totally different ways.
Hmm. Different, exactly.
That's why I had to give
my woman the old heave-ho.
So, you don't miss
that politics lady at all?
Not for one
Chinese second.
And I'm sure
she's forgotten all about me.
(both gasp)
Killdozers.
Whatever are you doing, man?!
We're tearing down this place
and putting up
a recycling center,
slash Native American
history museum,
slash condor
sanctuary.
(screeching)
Hmm. A project this bloated
and ill thought out
could only be the work
of an angry liberal.
(gasps)
Maxine!
My ex is using the thing
I hate most against me--
big government.
(grunts)
(camera shutter clicking)
Stop this
ribbon cutting!
This is private property!
What's the matter,
Mr. Burns?
Never heard
of eminent domain?
You're just doing this to get
back at me for dumping you!
That is ridiculous.
(gasps)
The Antonin Scalia bedroom!
It's a National Public Radio
broadcast center now.
Who are you?
I'm Robert Siegel, and this is
All Things Considered.
(theme music playing)
Stop laying about, you!
There's work to be done!
(weakly):
Or Gravy Thursday.
If that woman thinks
she's been scorned now,
she ain't seen nothing yet!
(clacking)
It's fracking time.
(squeaking)
(whooshing)
(rumbling)
(groaning)
(Bart groaning)
(grunts)
(groans)
Is one of the side effects
of fracking earthquakes?
(voice shaking):
Yes!
(rumbling continues)
What are you doing?
You're destroying
this neighborhood.
Just like
you destroyed my mansion.
I don't know what I ever saw in
you, you planet-ruining monster!
Likewise,
you planet-saving succubus!
(metallic rattling)
Homer, turn off
that horrible machine!
You don't know anything
about hydraulic fracturing!
You've just been brainwashed
by liberal TV shows
who use fracking
as an easy bad guy,
but it can save this country!
Our... water... was...
on... fire!
Wait. I finally get
what you're saying.
Fracking is great,
but the only place
it should ever happen
is in other people's towns!
Hmm.
(grunting)
(whooshing)
(grunting nervously)
You always do
the right thing... sort of.
What is he doing?
He was furious at that woman,
now he's embracing her.
He told me himself
they had nothing in common.
Nothing except passion.
Mm.
(cracking)
(hearts beating)
I was a fool
to break up with you, Maxine.
I'm sorry I turned your home
into a liberal paradise.
You think we could
make us work?
I don't know.
We're pretty different.
But we've got passion,
and as long as we've got that,
our lives will never
get boring.
Mmm.
Well, there's free
jazz on Saturdays
at the art museum.
Now they say omega-3 pills
are bad for you.
My sister's dog
had puppies.
What kind?
What kind of what?
What kind of dog
does your sister have?
I don't know.
What color drawer
pulls did you want?
Nickel or brush nickel?
Oh, I wish we'd bought the more
expensive theater tickets.
I'll never see anything
in row BB.
There's a sale on lawn
furniture at the Lawns Plus.
Why are all cars
black or gray now?
It's like if you see
a red one, it's a big deal.
I'm thinking about
wearing a watch again.
Shh!