The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 26, Episode 3 - Super Franchise Me - full transcript

♪ Tea for the tillerman

♪ Steak for the son

♪ Wine for the woman
who made the rain come ♪

♪ Seagulls sing
your hearts away ♪

♪ 'Cause while the sinners sin

♪ The children play

♪ Oh, Lord,
how they play and play ♪

♪ For that happy day

♪ For that happy day
♪ Happy day. ♪

D'oh!

(humming a tune)



You're never bored
paintin' the Lord.

Daddy, could you help us
with our school project?

We're huntin'
vampire appliances!

Say no more.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

(grunting)

Diddily, diddily...

(grunts)

Well, we pulled more plugs
than a Dutch doctor.

Now let's take a trip
to the side of the house.

BOTH:
Yay!

(gasps)
Why, that's a higher power

than even I believe in.



What is going on?

My room, kids' room,

knick-knack nook, Beatles
Bunker, Left-hand Lounge...

What's this?

(carnival music plays)

(whooping)

Huh?
(music stops)

Hey, I was listening to that.

Homer Simpson.

Got any other sockets
in my pockets?

Absolutely not.

Really? Really?

Really?!

(groans) My one weakness--
the third "really."

Come with me.

(Homer grumbles, sighs)

Turn right here.

I keep this frozen meat
in case society collapses

but we still have power.

Homer! This is my freezerino.

Seriously, I am getting so tired
of those stupid Flandersisms.

It's the name
of the freezer!

Okily Dokahama?

Right next to Mount Fu-Gee,
I'm glad to see ya!

Aw. It's all gonna thaw!

Don't you give up on me!

I'll cook this meat, cut it up
and make it into sandwiches.

And I will wait and worry!

♪

(no voice)

So, I cooked the meat,
sliced it up, made sandwiches,

cut off the crust,
fed those to the dog...

Aw, somebody wants more crust.

Here you go, boy!

Here you go.
Have some more.

Still hungry, buddy?

Dad, dogs don't know
when to stop eating.

Lucky.

Ta-da!

Oh, Marge, once again you've
taken one of my screwups

and turned it into food.

Man, if only you could
do that with Bart.

Mom! Dad's imagining me
as food again!

He does it
to all of us.

Can someone put
butter on me?

HOMER:
Family-icious.

Come on, where's
that butter?

Hey, Mom,
can you pack me

a dozen sandwiches
in my lunch tomorrow?

Meat, no meat,
it's all good.

Sandwiches, Mom.

Fill 'er up.

And the garment bag.

What's going on?

Are you kids
eating your feelings?

No, whenever anything
bothers me,

I harmlessly vent it to Maggie.

I smash fluorescent lights
at the gravel pit.

But that's
so many sandwiches.

Kids love them.

We trade them
at school.

They replaced cigarettes
as our currency.

Bubble gum cigarettes?

Yeah, sure.

(doorbell rings)

What are you doing here,
freezer stealer?

Ned's letting us use his freezer
to store the extra sandwiches.

Well, I felt a little guilty for
taking back what belonged to me.

(whoops)

Flanders isn't perfect!

(chuckling):
Never claimed to be.

Yeah, and aren't.

Marge, see this face?

It's opportunity.

Blink, and you'll miss it.

Huh?

Just kidding.
I'm right behind you.

I'm Trudy Zengler,

vice president
of development

for Mother Hubbard's
Sandwich Cupboards.

How would you like to
run your own business?

Take control of your
financial future.

Hmm.

Homie, how much money
do we have put aside

in case something
happens to you?

None.

(groans)

If that flashback you
just described is true,

you can't afford not
to open this franchise.

I'm in.

Wow, Mom!

You're gonna open
a sandwich store?

Uh-huh.

Mom, if you're
gonna do this,

there's one thing
I need to know.

And be honest.

What's your soda refill policy?

All you can drink,
if you buy a jumbo cup.

Careful, Marge, that's
how I bankrupted a Pizza Hut.

Mmm... that's good.

More, more.

Refill...

Free!

I-I just... I...

Where is it going?

My store.

My offset spatula.

Mine!

(door opens, bell rings)

Well, well, well.

Seems like someone forgot

there's a Krusty Burger
two blocks away.

Go ahead, Teeny.

Show 'em what we did to Arby's.

She did the one thing
I never could-- feed him.

You're a cool
customer, Marge.

And we've got
your back.

With everything from
pre-sliced tomatoes,

to the homey needlepoint
on the walls.

Aw...

And now, the best part of
running your own franchise--

picking your Sammy Fammy.

You'll want to avoid that.

Your monkey just
ate all my turkey.

You want some monkey meat
to replace it?

No.

It's low-fat.

GIL:
As you can see, I was just two

credits short
at Southern Illinois, and...

I got to be honest
with you, Marge.

I need this job bad.

Hmm... You seem to have had,
and lost, a lot of jobs.

It's a whole
new world, Marge.

A whole new world.

Why, my dad spent his
whole life at one company.

Started in the
basement mailroom,

and ended his career jumping out
the window from the top floor.

(groans)

Yeah, he was
wearing this suit.

Corpse suit.

I'm not sure...

this is going to work out.

Oh, I get it.

You won't hire me
because I'm pretty.

That could be
a lawsuit.

No lawsuit! You're hired!

Okay, so I don't
want to do anything

that'll ruin
my manicure.

Well, then why do you
want this job?

So I can get manicures.

Duh!

Professor,
could you say,

"Welcome to Mother Hubbard's
Sandwich Cupboard"

without making
any other noises?

Of course I can, my dear child.

Welcome to...

Mother Hubbard's...

uh... Sandwich

mcboing boing glavin
flyvy hyvy goyvyn,

and now I'm running
to the unemployment office.

Blervyk.

(Marge groaning)

I'm too nervous to sleep.

(Homer grunts)

(sighs)

(grunts sleepily)

(sighs aggressively)

(stammers awake)

I'm sorry I
woke you up.

I'm just so anxious
about tomorrow.

What if the
store fails?

What if I fail?

Well, you woke up
the right man in bed.

I love you, Marjorie.

And I've had my share
of failures, sure.

And sometimes
I get pretty nervous.

But thanks for
talking it out with me.

I think I can finally
get to sleep now.

No! No, no, no!

It was me that
couldn't get to...

(snoring)

(sighs)

(stammers awake)

Oh, make love now?

(groans)

Say there, buddy,

are you interested
in our Two-For-One Tuesday?

I never would have been,
till I got this flyer!

Interested in some
exotic dancers, huh?

Today's "Tell You
Their Real Name" Tuesday.

Are you working
two jobs here, Gil?

No, and I resent
the accusation.

Tell me, it's
pointing west, right?

Hola.

No change
for the meter.

No, no, I'd like
to see the manager.

Mrs. Boss!

Some fat blob wants
to see you.

MARGE:
Homer!

Marge.

Come on, let's celebrate!

It's your first day!

Homie, I'm
a little worried.

Do you know there were no
customers between 2:00 and 4:00?

Hey, Tony Roma's wasn't
built in a day.

But don't worry, I told everyone
about this place,

and they're all going
to support you.

You do have drone delivery,
right?

I kind of promised that.

We don't have drone delivery!

You'll have
to find a substitute.

(humming a tune)

HOMER:
Damn it!

(humming)

(Marge groaning)

(groans)

What's wrong?

Mother Hubbard Central
expects you to buy

a lot of stuff
from them.

Uniforms, fixin's.

It's like they don't care
if you make money

as long as
they make money.

What kind of corporation
does that?

(stammers) I'm not trying
to be political,

but I'm the only one
you can trust here.

(gasps)

Shauna! I saw that!

I'm going to have
to let you go.

Oh, so you're,
like, firing me

like in that movie
where that girl gets fired?

I'm sorry.

If I'm fired,

then he's quitting!

I am?!

Oh, that's what
holds them up.

What am I going to do?

I'm down two employees
and it's the afternoon rush.

(bell dings)

I need a six-foot party sub.

Lots of mayonnaise.
And I mean lots.

Never stop squirting mayo.

Don't worry, baby.

(humming a tune)

Thank you, Homie.

Why does this have
to be so hard?!

Oh, uh, sorry
there, Marge.

This is my changing room.

You are working two jobs!

No, these are my real legs.

I'm... I'm not a
well man, Marge.

This is so sad.

In his homeland,
Dad was a nuclear engineer.

Oh, I was short-staffed
and your father volunteered.

Actually, I was wondering if you
two might want to lend a hand.

No, no.

You want to make
American kids work?

You're supposed
to be driving me

to a tennis class
I said I wanted,

then I changed my mind
and I hate it so much

I'm faking stomachaches
to get out of it.

Would it kill one of you
to wash a bell pepper?

Um, I'm not sure this is
the best use of my skills.

I said wash!

And, Bart, go work
the deep fryer.

Well, if I'll be doing this
when I'm 40,

might as well start now.

(humming a tune)

(gasps)

I'm home.

Guys, this is gonna be
hard for a while.

But we'll get through this
as a family.

Yes, we will.

The Simpsons
and old Uncle Gil.

Uh, Gil?

I've been meaning to
tell you you're fired.

Yeah, well,
guess I had it coming.

Can I take
some bologna heels?

As many as you like.

You sure?

Take them!

Aw, yeah!
It's a big ol' fat one!

♪ The best things
in life are free ♪

♪ But you can give them
to the birds and bees ♪

♪ I need money
♪ That's what I want ♪

♪ That's what I want
♪ That's what I want ♪

♪ That's what I want
♪ That's what I want ♪

♪ That's what I want
♪ That's what I want ♪

♪ Your love give me
such a thrill ♪

♪ But your love
don't pay my bills ♪

♪ I need money
♪ That's what I want ♪

♪ That's what I want
♪ That's what I want ♪

♪ That's what I want...

Good baby.

Oh, yeah.
Real good baby.

Good everybody.

You won't believe it,

but we actually turned
a profit today.

Kids, we're taking
some shredded lettuce,

pre-sliced cheese and cold cuts,

and turning them
into the American dream.

Uh, guys,
what the hell is that?

(gasps)

They're opening
another Mother Hubbard?

Across the street?!
How could they?

How could they?!

CHIEF WIGGUM:
Move, move, move!

Eh, Chief, uh,
who are you fooling

with this one sandwich
a day diet?

It's on whole wheat, Lou.

Cleans up your insides.

I'm gonna sit
next to it.

How could they open another
franchise so close to me?

Don't worry, Marge.
They can't beat us.

Because we're family-run.

Aah! Hillbillies!

Okay, in you go,
Minimum Wade, Addem-up,

Oxycontin, Fontanelle
and Pediculus.

You make way for those
that's nocturnal

coming off the night shift.

(squealing)

Huh?

(sighs)

(yawns)

Mom, I need a few hours off.

It's Milhouse's birthday party
and I'm all the guests.

I understand, honey.

Did you get someone to cover?
Mm. Grampa.

I'm working the drive-through!

There is no drive-through!

(coos)

No, thank coo!

(sighs)

(door opens, bell dings)
Ah, finally-- a customer!

Aah!

Simpson,
why aren't you at work?

Whoa, hold
that famous temper, Smithers.

Who is this?

Simpson, introduce me
to this almond-eyed beauty,

and all is forgiven.

Uh, Mr. Burns, I'd
like you to meet...

Mother Hubbard standee.

From the Wisconsin Standees!

Milk-fed, yet so slim.

Permit me to play you a tune
on my mouth organ.

Sir, maybe we should go.

Sorry you died!

Put the body with the others.

Whew.

Homer, if I ever
seem that senile,

get a gun and...

What are you doing
with that gun?!

Marge, have you ever

seen pants do this?

(gasps)

You're working so hard
you've lost weight!

We're killing ourselves
trying to run

a restaurant no one goes to.

I've never said
this to you before,

but I'm saying it now.

I'm going to Moe's.

(gasps)

Now I know why you
come here so much.

No matter how sad
you are inside,

what you see looks worse.

Yeah. It was really hard
for me to make this place

look old but not
in any way comfortable.

Now maybe some
TV will cheer you up.

If you's in the mood
for a sammich, come on down

to Mother Hubbard's
Sandwich Cupboard Express,

for all the sandwiches you love!

Bread sammich.

Yesterday's what's-it

with ketchup.

And the thing
what ate our chickens.

BRANDINE:
Looks like a fox, but it ain't.

Be sure to follow us
on Kinterest and Critter!

Aw! "Yesterday's what's-it"?

Why does everyone go to them?

It's express, Marge.

Yeah, with our busy lifestyle,
we got to have express.

Aw. Listen there, Midge.

I know how to get yous
out of your contract.

But I got to warn you...

you will never work in the
fast-food industry again.

Go on. Please.

So, you see, Ms. Zengler,

the Mother Hubbard's Express
across the street

is stealing all our business.

It's not fair.

If you want fairness,
work at a Sunglass Hut.

This is the sandwich game.

I don't understand you.

I grew up in the
pageant system.

Oh. Now I completely
understand you.

I'm a litigious
businessman,

and I need a
coffee to go.

One jumbo Joe to go!

(yells in pain)

Get the first-aid kit!

One Florence Nightingale
in a box!

And make it snappy!

Ow!

I got this.

Ow!

Oh, why do these things happen
to innocent victims?

I was just
about to become

a million-dollar
crotch model!

Hey, hey, hey!
It's not corporate's fault!

Really?

But the franchise
agreement says

Mother Hubbard Inc. would
provide adequate training

for all employees,
which they didn't.

Clause 27C-3.

(scoffs)
You actually read this thing?

It was written
by two lawyers who had

to keep waking the other one up.

If you'll just give me back
my original investment,

I'll take full responsibility
for this man's injuries.

Please... tell me
I'm still beautiful!

All right, Marge.
You've got a deal.

Well, family, we
should be proud.

We took on corporate
America and broke even.

Hear, hear!

Sir?

I-I think we've
gone far enough

to dispose of the body.

Dispose? Ooh.

I've come here to pitch woo.

(groans)

♪

(grunts)

D'oh!

Mmm. Sandwich.

Shh!