The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 26, Episode 18 - Peeping Mom - full transcript

(Marge groaning)

D'oh!

(tires screeching)

(grunts)

(sizzling, popping)

(groans)

♪ The Simpsons 26x18 ♪
Peeping Mom
Original Air Date on April 19, 2015

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
WEB-DL sync by jasonnguyen2606

Excuse me? I'm having trouble with
the on-off button on my phone.

Okay, let me check your
settings, your photos.

I don't see why
you need to do that.



Wow, that guy's
really fat.

That's my husband! Oh!

Let me talk
to another salesman.

Oh, I'm not a salesman. I'm
just a guy in a blue shirt.

Oh!

Okay, Maggie, from now on, we only talk
to people at stores with name tags.

I've said it before,
but this time, I mean it.

(tires screech)
(gasps) What happened?

Oh, someone snuck into
the construction site,

stole a bulldozer and went
joyriding all over town.

(cat meows)

Don't worry.
I have a suspect. Ha!

(gasps)

I can't stand
to see anything suffer.



Now I've got everything I need
to convict your boy,

except for motive,
means and opportunity.

- You also have no evidence.
- That's implied!

So, I'm remanding him...
Is that a word... "remanding"?

Yeah, uh, to your custody.

Maybe a mother can find out
what a police chief can't.

(phone chimes)
Hmm?

What?

Oh!

Let's go.

Monarch butterfly, earwig,
roly-poly, doodlebug,

beer cap, ant,
beer bottle, Barney.

All right, I'm on a list!

(dog barking)

(gasps)
Flanders got a new dog!

(barking)

Aw, what's her name?

Mahershalalhasbaz.
We just call her Baz.

Now it's time for her Christian
doggy training.

This will be interesting.

Sit. Kneel.

Pray. Play dead.

Now resurrect.

And sit in glory at the
right hand of Todd.

Finally, a religion
that makes sense.

All right, Mr. Smarty,
what went on back there?

Mom, why is it the only time you call me
smart is when you're being sarcastic?

Really? Do I do that?
Because I really shouldn't.

You're the one in
trouble here, bub!

Why don't you think
about what you just did?

Why don't you think about
what you just did?

Hmm. I will live
with that forever,

but this is about you.

I swear to you on my mother's
grave, I didn't do a thing!

Sorry, sorry.

So, the Flanderses got
a new dog, and it knows my name!

Good for you,
little girl!

Marge, Bart, I've noticed neither
of you have said a word all meal.

Are there feelings
going unexpressed here?

Because if there are...

I believe someone at this table
isn't telling us the truth.

Master Bart Simpson!

Kids, could you
excuse us for a moment?

Your mother and I need
to have an adult conversation.

What'd he do?
What'd he do? (laughs)

Your son stole
a bulldozer.

- How do you know?
- A mother knows.

- Does a wife know things?
- Yes.

(shrieks)

I believe
we were talking about Bart.

I'm afraid I don't know
how to handle him anymore.

Oh, Bart's ten.
He's too old to be handled.

We should just think of excuses
for when he goes bonkers.

Oh. "Acne medicine." When in
doubt, blame the acne medicine.

No, I'm not giving up on Bart, just
like I didn't give up on our marriage

when you quit your job to start
the North American Sumo League.

The NASL
would have made money

if someone had washed
a few sumo loincloths for me!

I said I would do yours,
but not the whole dojo.

Bart, get in here!

Look me in the eye and tell me you
know nothing about that bulldozer.

I know nothing
about that bulldozer.

MARGE: This is bad. He can't
tell his mother what he does.

Where will that lead?

(with Irish accent):
Any last words, boyo?

I know nothing
about that bulldozer.

Give him the juice!
(electricity crackling)

(laughs)

- Which one's yours?
- The one being electrocuted!

I've never seen
an eyeball pop so fast.

I wish I could tell you
about that bulldozer,

but how can I explain something
I know nothing about?

I am not cable news.

Stop it! Stop it!
Stop lying right now!

But-but you have to believe me.
You're my mom!

All right, I will believe you on this.
Smart.

But until then, I'm going
to keep my eye on you.

All the time.

All the time?

How are you gonna change Maggie?

Ah, close enough.

OTTO:
All aboard.

Mom, what
are you doing?

I told you, to trust you, I have
to watch you. All the time.

Mmm.

You're gonna be
riding this bus?

I'm going to be watching my son
wherever he goes.

Then you'd better go out the back,
'cause that's where he went.

D'oh!

(barking)

Oh, you must be
Flanders' new dog.

I just want to apologize in advance for
the things I'm gonna blame on you.

Homer, meet Baz.

(barking)
- (laughing)

Oh, sorry, Flanders. I'm
sure she has fun with you.

(laughs)
She sure likes you.

Must be the cheeseburgers
in your sweat.

Cheeseburgers in my sweat.
Really?

Now, apparently, I have
cheeseburgers in my sweat.

I can leave
any time, Bart.

Just tell me what happened
with that bulldozer.

- Next question.
- Fine.

Which papers
on the walls are yours?

None of them.

Is that the boy
who copies off you?

I copy off him?!

What brand of poppycock is this
miscreant feeding you, madam?

Okay, Mom,
I admit it.

There's a few lies I told you
that you're gonna find out.

Simpson, you said
your mother was dead.

(groans)

She's become
a zombie! Run!

(humming)

Mom, churros are good for you.
They're ethnic.

Hey, Simpson, you need your mommy
to cut your carrots for you?

He can cut his
own carrots.

Baby carrots
'cause he's a baby!

(laughter)

Brilliant!

Mom, Dad does plenty of stuff
you don't like.

Why don't you follow him?

Following an
adult is creepy.

Following your
kid is parenting.

I'm so lucky my mom's
in Gainesboro, Florida...

I think.

Is my mom still outside?

She's swinging on a swing,
and Ralph's pushing her.

RALPH:
Hello! Good-bye!

Hello!
Good-bye!

Hello! Good-bye!

Hello!
Good-bye!

Hello! Good-bye!

I am never leaving this tube.

Sorry, lad. You've been in more than
five minutes, so I've got to remove you.

And I'm authorized to use the
greatest weapon at me disposal.

(playing "Highland March")

No!

Scotland! 1,200 years,
and we've only written one song!

(resumes playing)

(loud gulping)

Man. (gulps)

Staying on this all-pork-chop
diet is easier than I thought.

That diet doesn't work.

You have to give it a year.

So, how was
school today?

Well, actually, I caused quite
a ruckus in the nurse's office

by pointing out they weren't putting
fresh paper on the lay-down table.

Very good, sweetie. Could you lean back?
I have to focus on your brother.

Sure, sure. No need
to worry about Lisa.

Lisa's always fine.
No worries there. Nah.

(scratching sound)

(barking)

Aw. What are you doing here?

I bet you escaped, and now
Flanders is worried sick.

I should call him...
after I scratch your tummy!

That's right! Who likes their tummy
scratched while Flanders is worried sick?

You do! You do!
Yes, you do!

Oh, he doesn't know
where you are.

(laughing): Yes, he's probably
crying right now.

(growling)

Come on, boy.
We'll go to my room.

I can play jazz, or
give you a bath, or...

(sighs)

Never chooses jazz.

Hmm?

- (Marge grunts)
- (Homer groans)

Middle child. No one cares
about the middle child.

Never, ever gonna change.

Lisa, can I talk to you?

Oh, here it is, the quick check-in
every two years just like clockwork.

All right, let me speak to you
in a language you'll understand.

Oh, boy, oh, boy,
Lisa never gets it.

She's great,
and everyone knows that.

Oh, man, trying to stay mad.

I'm kind of impressed that
Dad's making an effort.

It's not really like him.
I shouldn't say this.

I should never say this, but I will.
She's my favorite child.

Oh, now he's pulling out
the big guns.

Oh, I don't want
to pout anymore.

If he offers me ice cream,
I'm gonna break.

You want some ice cream? (whoops)
- Yes!

Ice cream. Oh, yeah, it's kid whiskey.
I knew he was gonna break.

I'm gonna write a song.
That makes them happy, and the best part is...

Is there such a thing as happy blues?
There is now. (whoops) ...
I get some ice cream, too.

(Homer laughing, dog barking)

Boys, isn't that the ball
that she won't play with?

She likes it
when Uncle Homer throws it.

He's not your uncle!

So that means
I can marry Maggie?

Quit asking
me that!

(rustling in brush)

Be ye friend or foe?

Well, be ye?

(sighs) This is the only place I
can go my mom doesn't know about.

Bart, you know you're always welcome
to come stay in my tree house.

You don't have a tree house.
My dad's gonna build it.

That's why I didn't get a present
from him last birthday and Christmas.

It's gonna be some tree house.

Milhouse,
you don't even have a tree.

He's gonna plant it soon.

He just has to get enough money
together to buy a pack of apple seeds.

Just hand me
the Mountain Doo.

Your mom says that
makes you bloated.

Give me the damn Doo!

Finally safe
from my mom.

She wouldn't want to come way out here
and ruin her dainty little shoes.

(loud rustling,
booming footsteps)

(yowls)

When she's got that much hair
spray, nothing can stop her.

How'd you find me?

Spool of thread
in your pants.

I'll respool it for you.
I'm good at doing things

so I can pretend there
isn't a fight going on.

Mom, you have
gone too far.

Superman's mom would never go
in his Fortress of Solitude!

Actually, the Fortress of Solitude
has a statue of Superman's mother.

Stop reading my comics!

I can't help it...
you leave them out everywhere.

When will you leave me alone?

When you tell me
about that bulldozer.

I know nothing about
that bulldozer!

Milhouse, is there something
you know about the bulldozer?

Well, I know the bulldozer was invented in
1923 by James Cummings and J. Earl McLeod.

Now, please,
let me focus on the thread!

Got to get out.
Get to get out.

HOMER:
D'oh!

Dad, are you gonna
snitch on me?

Moe's before bros!

♪

(quietly):
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Mom.

Whoopsy.

(silence)

(engine grinding)

Hmm?

Oh!

(dog growling playfully)

"Property of Ned Flanders"?

That means you got this
from Homer.

Lord, I truly love this dog, but
maybe she'd be happier next door.

But I don't want to give her up
unless you think it's the best.

As always, I will interpret the lack of any
sort of response as a sign of thy will.

(sad sigh)

♪

Well, the kid passed through again.
We can all go inside.

♪

Nice rowing, Bart.
Good job.

Stop caring
about me!

(panting)

Sweetie,
let me help you up.

Your nagging is
melting my bones.

(whining)

(continues whining)

Okay, fine! I'm giving you
one more chance, buster.

Tell me about
that bulldozer!

What bulldozer?

You're in charge of yourself.
Get home whenever.

My parenting stops now.

Oh.

Okay, now.

(sighs)

At last!
A way off Lepers Island!

Oh...

(gasps)

Boys, I realize now that Baz would
be happier in another home.

So we're giving her
to Ho... Ho... Ho...

We're giving her to Santa?

No! Someone fatter.

Oh, I'm sorry, boys, that you
had to hear that mild insult.

Mild insults are like mild salsa...
they still burn!

(quietly):
Bart, should I shut the door?

No need.
My mom's cool now.

Check it out... last night,
I stayed up till 10:45.

Oh, my God!

BART: I took a picture
so I could show everybody.

Now let me show you
what I've been planning.

(à la Mayor Quimby): Er, uh,

welcome to our celebration of,
er, uh, our city's lame-o sign.

You nailed him!

"Fie"?
Yeah. Look it up.

"Used to express
disgust or outrage"?

(gasps) That's
the worst F-word there is!

Bart, I'm not butting in anymore,

so you don't have to hide
things under your blanky.

It isn't a blanky anymore.
Hasn't been for three months!

So, we want you
to have our dog.

You just give her love,
and I'll pay for all the shots.

Shots? What, is she
going to India?

Bye, Baz.

(barks)

(sniffling)

HOMER: Aw, geez, I can't
stand to see Flanders sad.

Or happy.

Pretty much can't stand
to see Flanders.

But he'll need something to cheer
him up when his boys run away.

You know what, Flanders? I think
you should take her back.

Homer, don't be crazy.
Look at that tail wag for you.

Have you seen
what it does for me?

No, no, no.
To her, I'm just another dog.

A dog she's in love with
but can never have.

But she's only got
one of you, Flanders...

the guy who will take
care of her forever.

Oh, thank you, Homer.

This has been the happiest
dog day afternoon ever.

Aw...

I'm still not sure... did you do
that bulldozer thing before?

You were there. Maybe when I hit you
with the blade, you forgot some stuff.

I was trying to get your attention,
but it was heavier than I thought.

Well, no one fought more than Cummings and
McLeod when they invented the bulldozer.

Even the name "bulldozer"
was a great source of...

Aah!

Bart, I can't do this.

No offense, but I have
a mother who still loves me.

QUIMBY: We come here today
to honor this sign,

which was purchased, letter by
letter, from other failed towns.

Huh? Aw, stupid Mom.
Stuck something in my backpack.

Typical.

Oh, man, she makes good chicken.

You're the best boy
a mom could want.

I've failed
as a mother!

I'm growing a conscience!

I've got to change this prank.

Much better.

(creaking)

Our iconic sign is aquiver!

(nervous chuckle)
Everyone remain calm.

This is a part of the show.

(quietly):
VIP's, follow me.

Much better.

I don't seen nothing wrong.

Better to die a VIP than to live
as an ordinary American citizen.

SKINNER:
It says "F-D."

It's a tribute
to the fire department.

(crowd cheers)

The chili-cooking saints
of the city!

It's true...
we do love our chili.

The secret is stirring it.

I'm a huge fan.
That's why I wear suspenders

and start little fires
here and there.

(panting): Mom, Mom... I learned
there's a line I won't cross,

and it's 'cause of you
and your chicken.

That woman does make
convincing chicken.

You're the best boy
a mother could want...

if you tell me about
the bulldozer.

All right.
It was me.

(gasps)
Why, you little...

(quiet grunting)

(chuckles)

Yeah, harder to strangle than
it looks, isn't it, Marge?

Oh...

And you're under arrest.

How'd you figure it out?
I heard you say it.

The only way
I solve any crime.

You don't have
to stop hugging.

(coughing)

So you see, Mom, because of
the wrinkled lay-down paper

in the nurse's office,
I got mono.

You really should've kept
your eyes on that ball.

Oh, all these problems.

You kids are like
whack-a-moles.

Oh, that reminds me.

Maggie hurt herself
playing whack-a-mole.

Aw.

Come here, you.

Come here. I know I've
been having my fun elsewhere,

and no one could blame you
if you didn't take me back,

but if you'll have me,
I'll take you

on the longest walk of your life!
No hills.

Dogs... so easy to make up with.

(theme from The Good, the Bad
and the Ugly playing)

(meows)

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
WEB-DL sync by jasonnguyen2606

Shh!