The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 26, Episode 17 - Waiting for Duffman - full transcript

When the actor playing Duffman retires through illness a replacement is sought through a TV contest and Homer wins. However when he sees the misery inflicted by alcoholism he tries to persuade the citizens of Springfield to drink non-alcoholic beer. This is not well-received and he is soon sacked from the job.

(humming)

D'oh!

(tires screeching)

(grunts)

(grunting)

(grunting)

(grunting)

(grunting)

Huh?

Ay, caramba!

(chuckles)



I haven't ridden
a bike

since Lance Armstrong
was a good guy.

Geez, Lis, you're riding the
girliest bike in the world.

Ooh, I stand
corrected.

(hums)

Hey, dipwad,
bikes only.

I need to pay
my water bill.

Not on motorized
transport, you don't.

What you need to get
is out of our way.

Yeah,
bikes win again!

(train toots)

Trains win again!

When will you people give up
your dependence on handlebars?

Quite a
Schwinn-dig, eh?



Shut up,
biking Flanders.

(bicycle bell dings)

Chief, no, don't go
in the doughnut shop!

Your pants are
too tight!

Oh, I'm just gonna
eat one little...

Drinkers, if you go
on the wagon,

make sure it's
the Duff Beer Wagon.

Oh, yeah!

Duffman, how about
a 21-thrust salute

to America's
military?

My hips are proud
to honor our endless war.

One, two, three...

(cracking)
Ow, God!

Something's wrong
with Barry.

Never use...
my mortal name in public.

I have very troubling news.

(chuckles)

Duffman is undergoing
hip replacement surgery.

Now, Barry will be fine,
but as of this moment

there is no Duffman.

(gasping)

They came for Joe Camel,

and I said nothing.

They came for the Frito Bandito,

and still I said nothing.

So what are you
saying now?

About what?

(humming)

(groans)

KENT BROCKMAN:
Duffman, the man, has retired.

But Duffman, the idea, endures.

Authorities are unsure
whether the empty bottles

are a beautiful tribute

or just drunks too lazy
to find a trash can.

Either way,
the Duff Corporation announces

an open televised competition

to find out who will be
the next Duffman.

In other news,
the Chinese land on Mars.

Also, no more elephants.

Now, for more cool,
refreshing news...

Marge, what would you think
if I tried out to be Duffman?

I know why you want
to be Duffman.

It's so you can drink free beer
and get shnockered all day.

Sure, I admit I get "shnockered"
once in a while.

I might have been "lacquered"
from time to time.

I may have, how you say, had
a subconjunctival hemorrhage.

(chuckles)

But this isn't
about that.

Then what is this about?

Marge, if I died today,
the obituary would read,

"H. Simpson, father of three,
extra pallbearers needed."

Being Duffman would give me
another line.

Okay, sweetie, you can try.

Great, but it won't
be easy.

I got to start
practicing now.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Ow!

(theme music playing)

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

your hostess,
the inescapable Cat Deeley.

Are you ready to find out

who will be America's
next Duffman?

Yes, Cat, yes!

A million times, yes!

America's next Duffman
will be selected

by the planet's foremost experts
in the field of party starting--

best-selling electronica artist,

Der Zip Zorp.

Former Duff Girl and current
senator from Oklahoma,

the Honorable
Missy LeBeau.

I look reasonable, but I'm not.

And billionaire
Mumbai entrepreneur,

Rajneesh Superstar.

Bottle service, ballers!

(audience cheers)

Now let's welcome the Chairman
of Duff Industries,

Mr. H.K. Duff VII.

Thank you, Cat.

I just want to say,

if we can't find ourselves
a Duffman out of this group,

then maybe we'll just give up
on the concept.

Brilliant!

Now, let's find
our Duffman.

♪ I'm... coming up

♪ So you better get
this party started ♪

♪ I'm... coming up...

Oh, yeah!

My two favorite words aside
from "Seacrest passed,"

can I get an "Oh, yeah"?

Oh, ja.

(crowd jeering)

Oh, yes.

(jeering)

Ach.

NELSON:
Haw-haw.

♪ Vo-de-oh-doh-doh.

(jeering)

Oh, yeah!

(crowd cheering)

♪ I'm... coming up

♪ So you better get
this party started ♪

♪ I'm... coming up

♪ So you better get...

Did you miss me?

Like Mexico misses California.

It's down to two.

And before revealing
our results,

former Duffman, Barry Huffman,
is here to wish you luck.

I was told
there would be morphine.

Oh, yeah.

Homer, any last thoughts
on what Duff means to you?

Without Duff, I wouldn't
have have brought

three beautiful children
into the world.

That's right, man.

We're beer babies.

AUDIENCE:
Aw...

(groans)

The judges are
conferring.

(discussing)

We have our decision.

Karma is in the
house, dawg!

Homer, your words
were beautiful.

That is exactly why

you're America's
Next Top Duffman...

runner-up!

(cheers)

(groans)

The real winner is
America's new hero--

contestant number 12!

(dance music playing)

(making alarmed
computer noises)

What is it,
Der Zip Zorp?

Olde Ogdenville Ale?

He drinks
a competitor.

Reverse the confetti.

And check the fat guy
for tattoos.

Just one that says
"Marge Madness."

These reality shows really
leave you no privacy.

Well, I guess that
makes this guy Duffman.

Ooh, ooh, ooh,
do I get the confetti?!

One confettus.

Ow!

I mean...
(whoops)

I mean, oh, yeah!



(squawking)

(squawks)

That's how we'll tell the
trades you got the job.

Seems awfully
overproduced.

Just take the oath.

Night gathers, and now
my Duff watch begins.

It shall not end
until my death.

Or my 13-week option
is not picked up.

I shall take no wife, hold no
lands, and father no children,

except for the wife and house
and kids I'm already stuck with.

I shall wear
no other beer's crowns.

I am the six-pack hidden
in Daddy's secret cabinet.

I put the "fest" in Oktoberfest

and sell for eight bucks
at ballparks,

though I have nothing to offer
but my suds, head and beers,

and promotional cozies,

for this night
and all the nights to come.

MAN: When life looks
hopeless, it's not.

♪ Duff Beer, feeling no pain

♪ Made from Canadian rain

♪ Tastes like nickel champagne

♪ It will tickle your brain

♪ Duff Beer, feeling no pain

♪ Made from Canadian rain.

And here's a painting of
my ancestor Ichabod Duff,

crossing the
Duffaware River.

Ah, hell, this
is all BS.

Duffman was a fascist icon
my grandfather repurposed

'cause he couldn't get the damn
rights to Woody Woodpecker.

Mr. Duff, can I ask
what's in this safe?

Little lady, inside that safe
is the formula for Duff itself,

known only
to three people--

me, Condoleezza Rice,
and my brother-in-law Terry.

And the combination is
not known to any human...

Uh, what the...?

"Schlitz plus water."

Why don't you kids run off
and play in the bottle cap pit?

Don't cut yourselves!

Mr. Duff, I want
to say something.

I'm proud of
my husband,

but I'm not sure if this is
something Homie should be doing.

Just what do you mean?

Well, aren't you
making him a superhero

so that beer looks
cool to kids?

(laughs)

Uh, Marge,

let me tell you a little
something about beer.

Do you know why man stopped
running around,

lassoing mastodons,
and became civilized?

No.

So he could grow hops
and make beer.

It's true.
Oh.

Our beer has helped people
celebrate weddings.

Enjoy a good game.

Ease the pain
of a lost loved one.

That's the tradition
your husband will inherit.

Geez, now you make
me want to drink it.

Attagirl,
have a designer bag.

Now, Homer, there is one thing
we needed to do in private.

Okay, what...?

Ow!

Hey, that's not my butt!

We've injected
a chip in you

that detects
the slightest presence

of alcohol
in your blood.

You see, Duffman cannot drink.

(laughing):
What? That's funny.

I thought you just said
that Duffman can't drink.

(laughs)

But that would
be crazy.

They all fight it at first.

(laughs)

You wouldn't tell Batman
he couldn't eat bats.

When you're Duffman,
you're at work, Homer.

You wouldn't go to the nuclear
plant drunk, would you?

Uh...

Well, uh...

My husband won't have
any problem not drinking.

Yeah...

The only reason he wanted
to become Duffman

was to be respected
and beloved.

Uh...

And what better way to do that
than to be stone-cold sober?

(moans)

When my husband put
on that costume,

he didn't just put
on a sleeveless shirt

that says "Duff" on it
and a cape for some reason,

he put on
responsibility.

And boots that I don't think
will hold up in the rain.

But the point is--
it's not about being drunk,

it's about
being someone.

You're right, Marge.

I will do something no one has
ever done-- be fun sober.

What a crisp
and refreshing attitude.

Hey, this stuff
is pretty good.

Mmm, foamy Marge.

(babbling)

Uh, that's the chip.

No drinking.

I was licking my wife.

Can you believe they
put a chip in my arm,

and I can't
drink beer?

Ah.
Ah, gee,
tough break.

Maybe Moe could dig it out
with a corkscrew.

Yeah.

Oh, I would love that,
Homer, I really would.

But then Duff might take away
my neon sign,

and, uh, it's the only thing
lighting the bar.

BARNEY:
Whoa, creepy.

(Bart and Lisa laugh
mischievously)

Stop shooting those
at each other.

Relax, honey, no one's ever
been killed by a T-shirt cannon.

Oh, no, it's
the 5:00 blahs.

CLOCKS:
Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Help us,
Duffman!

(laughs heroically)

(screams)

Drink Duff!

(crowd cheers)

Care to team up
with Fruit Batman?

I'm thinking of dumping
Kid Sourpuss here.

I'm a hero.

Oh, I can see my obituary now.

Wow. Wow.

COMMENTATOR: Watkins putting
for the championship.

It's breaking towards the hole.

Time to move from the links
to the drinks!

(cheering)

Well, if you guys
like commercials,

you're gonna love this.

Wait, we never said
we liked commercials.

♪ Drink, drink

♪ Let the toast start

♪ May young hearts never part

♪ Drink, drink, drink

♪ Let every true lover
salute his sweetheart... ♪

♪ Drink, drink, drink to... ♪

H.K., this new Duffman is
driving sales straight up.

Turns out, men like men
who look worse than them

selling them beer.

Why did it take us 142 years
to discover this?

Because executives are
incompetent, sir?

Well, then why do I have
so many?

Studies show when a decision
is made by a group,

everyone feels
more confident,

even though the decision
could be incredibly stupid.

Is this true?

(affirming)

Can't argue
with that.

What do you
guys think?

(affirming)

Did I hear a no
from section C-72?

Oh, uh, no, that was
a, uh, "whoa!"

(chuckling):
Oh.

Give the whole
lower bowl a raise.

Uh, welcome
aboard, Duffman.

Fair warning
now-- at the end,

I just might ask for an
autograph for my son.

Here you go--
they're all pre-signed.

With nicknames.

Buddy, Sport, Tiger, Red.

Uh, give me a "Red."

I'll start calling
him that now,

and then give it to
him on his birthday.

Now, where to, sir?

Oh, this is a romantic night.

How about everywhere?

All right.

Navigator, set a course
for everywhere.

Where the hell is that?

I said everywhere!

Now, Homer, look
through the beeriscope,

and gaze upon
the wonderful world

that you and Duff
have created.

Captain, it never
dawned on me

beer could have
such a dark side.

You must be talking
about new Duff Stout.

Take us down.

I have to think.

To be honest, you said
you wanted to go everywhere.

So we ran out of fuel
an hour ago,

but I didn't want
to disappoint you,

so I will toss down
a tow rope.

Hey, come here. Man...

Uh... this is
not good.

(sighs) Marge,
do you ever worry

that you made
a giant mistake in your life?

Oh, um...

I need a little context.

Not drinking beer has given me
the clearness of mind

to realize
drinking beer is bad.

I've got to undo
what I've done.

Hey, how you doing?

Is this the most outrageous
party you've ever been to?

(cheering, affirming)

Well, guess what.

You've all been served nothing
but nonalcoholic Duff.

(spectators gasping)

BARNEY: Then why am I
throwing up right now?

As Duffman, I had the power

to switch the beer trucks
working this race.

(screams)

So you see, you don't need beer
to have a good time.

Join Duffman today in saying,

"I've had enough
of that life-ruining Duff!"

Why the hell
did you do this?

Because Duffman
is a hero.

And with great taste comes
great responsibility.

Well, "hero,"
here come your fans.

(shouting indistinctly)

(yelps)

(engine starts)
So long, suckers!

(laughing maniacally)

What the...?!

So long, suckers!

(Homer laughing maniacally)

What the...?!

It's a circle.

So the answer is--
go in reverse.

So long, suckers.

(Homer laughing maniacally)

What the...?!

I'm not sure
how many more times

we can watch Dad chased down
by an angry crowd

before it affects us
psychologically.

As a family therapist,
I can assure you

that you have
all the coping skills you need.

Why is Lisa talking
to an empty seat?

See you next Tuesday,
Dr. Schulman.

Oh, right.

You're in Maui.

(whimpers)

Hey, my beer.

(screams)

(panting frantically)

(gargling)

Get him back
in uniform.

Hmm.

Homer, now,
listen to me.

You're in a stadium
surrounded by people

who want to kill you.

They don't have the guts.

Ow.

Now, there's one way
out of your hell.

Prove you still
love beer.

Drink this
with gusto.

B-But the chip.

There never was
a chip.

It was all the power
of suggestion.

You tricked me!

And I trusted you
after you snuck up

and injected me
without my consent.

Just drink the beer,
pretty boy.

Whatever you do,
you'll be my hero.

Now you're
pushing it.

Homie, it's
time to go.

Come on, come on.

Give me the beer
inside you!

This place seems
even sadder than before.

Uh, yeah, well, I kind of
gloomed it up a little

while you were gone.

Nothing to see here, sunshine.

(sighs)

(slurring):
H-Hey, y-you used
to be Duffman.

Can I get a
picture with you?

(gasps)

I finally made it.

I'm a has-been.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Ah, let's make it official, eh?

Aw...

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Sir, may I interest you
in a French hazelnut latte

and an Iggy Azalea CD?

I'm not here
for three-buck coffee.

I'm here to ask you
to be Duffman again.

And to use
the bathroom.

I don't know what you're
talking about, sir.

Fine, can you tell me
where your travel mugs are?

Yeah, over there.

Come on, Barry,
I know it's you.

Sorry, H.K., I traded
in my beer goggles

for coffee-grinding
pince-nez.

Are you telling me
you don't miss the big time?

The girls on the side,
the corporate jet?

There's talk
of an animated series.

Duffman would like a job
where he could phone it in.

You just called
yourself Duffman.

Duffman never took off
his tights!

Let's go, girls!

But we're
managers here.

They learned the register
better than me!

Oh, yeah!

I see it as kind of a-a triumph
of-of doing your work

from that very pure place

of-of just doing stuff
that you, uh, personally enjoy.

Shh!