The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 25, Episode 8 - White Christmas Blues - full transcript

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, movie house!

Merry Christmas, Mr. Mouse!

(screams)

(listless): Hey-hey.
Due to modern sensitivity,

we've been asked to block
any violent images

that appear
in this children's cartoon.

Oh, my God!

I never watched
one of these sober!

I gotta get this bloodbath
off my kids' show!

(grunts)



KRUSTY:
Damn it!

Aw, geez, when did
everything turn to crap?

Bart, don't use language
like that.

Man, things sure have
turned to crap.

(humming)
Homer,

you have to take
the Halloween decorations down

before you put
the Christmas ones up.

Marge, to that I say,
boo, humbug.

(hissing)

There's a new Grinch this
holiday season,

and its name
is "global warming."

Meteorologists warn there'll be
no snow this Christmas

anywhere in America,
not even in Alaska,

where the Eskimos now have
a hundred words for "nothing."



Global warming. Huh.

By pure coincidence,
every scientist was right.

But it's not all doom and gloom.

Illegal poachers are having
a field day.

♪ 80 degrees,
water won't freeze ♪

♪ God help us, please,
no one's on skis ♪

♪ Happy, happy, happy,
happy hunting ♪

(owls hooting)

♪ Happy, happy, happy,
happy hunting. ♪

(worried moaning)

(Marge sighs)

Sorry, kids, I guess
the hats and mittens will have

to wait until next year.

Oh!
Oh!

(humming)

Hmm?

Snow?

(laughs) Snow!

(both gasp)

Oh, you know what
this means, kids?

(both gasp)

I don't have
to pick up the dog poops!

(sobbing)

Uh, so you see, the "snow"

is a microclimate aberration

caused by radioactive steam
from the nuclear plant

and, of course,
tire fire particulate.

So, we're the only place
in America with snow,

if you can call it that.
I guess you can.

Don't you idiots see
what this means?!

Idiots? Why do we
reelect this guy?

'Cause his opponent has
a long Slavic name.

(crowd grumbling)

Who want bumper sticker?

People, Springfield is now
the only town in America

that has snow this Christmas.

So tourists are going
to want to come here.

Stay in our hotels!

Slurp our spaghetti.

Die in our hospitals.
(chuckles)

I say we welcome our
winter tourists with open arms,

then gouge the hell out of 'em!

Who? Who will gouge with me?

I, too, will gouge!

Duff Beer is proud to make a
corporate commitment to gouging!

(cheering)

Here come the tourists.

Man your ATMs. Yar.

(both chuckle)

(belches)

Why would a robot need mittens?

Why would a little boy
need an aspirin?

I don't know. (grunts)

The one thing Bongo Comics
are good for.

(groans)
Are you okay, Chief?

(panicky):
I'll be fine,
I'll be fine.

God, I bent down to
pick up a piece of candy

and rolled down a hill.

You always think
it's the other guy

that'll turn into
a giant snowball.

Never you.

Have you seen Lou?

There's snow in my lungs!

Lot of attitude
in that hand, Lou.

Lot of attitude.

(horns honking, Marge groans)

Look at all these out-of-state
license plates.

"First in Freeways,"

"The 'Yuh-Huh' State,"

"Jewel of the Fracking Belt"?

"Still a British Colony
at Heart,"

"Land of Many Water Snakes"?

(Marge groaning)

Valet parking,
five dollars.

(tires screeching, horn honks)

Oh...

(gasps)

People, I'm completely out
of milk!

I do have several DVDs
of the movie Milk,

an inspiring return to form
for director Gus Van Sant.

Uh, do you have Life of Pi?

No, but I have some home movies
of me on a canoe with a big dog.

People who have never seen
a movie say it is a good movie.

Mmm?

(sighs)

We can't afford Christmas.

And when you can't afford
Christmas,

you've failed as a family.

(voice breaks):
That's what
all the big stores say.

Excuse me, ma'am.

I'm so sorry
to bother you,

but my kids are exhausted
and the town is sold out.

Is there any chance you'd
have a spare room for us?

Well, there's a rec room
off the kitchen,

but sometimes it's there
and sometimes it isn't.

Our house is very odd that way.

Please? Please, ma'am?
We'd pay you $300 a night.

Well, you seem
like a nice, pushy stranger.

Ma'am, because we
talk this way,

people always think
that we're, um...

Uh, what is that word, honey?

Passive-aggressive.

Right, right, but we're not.

Please, please take our
money and everybody wins.

(Homer humming)

Hmm?

Oh, good.
Marge remarried after I died.

Wait a minute. I'm not dead.

What's going on?!

These are
our new boarders.

Uh-uh. No way.
I'm not sharing my bed

with anybody except you.

And maybe that guy.
Lincoln-style.

But that's it.

This is a great thing.

We're helping people
celebrate Christmas,

and we'll be able
to afford Christmas.

Oh, I don't know.
It won't seem like Christmas

without opening up a giant
credit card bill in January.

Take a look at this.

What the...?

"The Simpson Bed and Breakfast"?
(chuckles)

I always wanted to stay
in a place like this.

But Christmas is
a special time.

And I like to spend it
in the warm embrace

of watching football.

Homer Simpson,
ask yourself,

W.W.B.J.D.?
Huh?

What would Baby Jesus do?

(The Beach Boys'
"Merry Christmas, Baby" begins)

♪ My baby she told me
she don't want to hold me ♪

♪ And kiss my lips anymore

♪ She's gonna leave me

♪ And she don't believe me

♪ That I'll be true now

♪ Well, maybe
she don't love me ♪

♪ And is not thinkin' of me

♪ But why'd she do it
this time of year? ♪

♪ Doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ She knows that I'll miss her
and I'll want to kiss her ♪

♪ If just for Christmas

♪ Merry Christmas...

Well, this crazy scheme is
the kind of impulsive behavior

I want to encourage in you.

Mmm... I'm in! 100%!

Oh, thank you.

Now, Homie,
table three needs more bread.

I'm on a break.
(groans)

(groaning)

(groans)

Welcome to our day care center.

All girls, please move
to cootie quarantine.

We've got a two-month-old.

Are you sure
you can handle her?

Just don't lose
this claim ticket.

That church doesn't
look very inspiring.

What a bland marquee.

It doesn't look very inviting.
(indistinct chatter)

This whole crowd's gonna be
at my sermon today.

Darling, did St. Paul
worry about the crowds?

Oh, he wrote letters.
Any fool can write letters.

(sighs)

Lord, I'm just
a small-town minister.

We don't have Mormon money.

But if you could see your way
to guiding my fingers

as I type this sermon...

Oh, yeah.

Oh, this is black-church good.

My friends...

(feedback drones,
congregation groaning)

When he starts with
"my friends," it's always bad.

(sighs)
Friends, every year,

I tell you this holiday
is about the birth of our Lord,

not singing Santas
and full stockings.

(all murmuring)

You're losing us!

Christmas is not about

what happened in a manger

some 2,000 years ago.

It is about
what you do for others now.

Oh!
(all murmuring)

Get my the church bulletin.

Lovejoy's on fire.

Christmas is the Holy Spirit.

Ooh, I didn't know
there were doves in there.

Give with your hearts!

Give with your acts!

And you will know

the true meaning of Christmas.

(congregation gasping)

(oohing and aahing)

Wow, what a showman.

(cheering, whooping)

I haven't felt this inspired

since the blueberries
at breakfast.

Daddy, permission
for a religious fit?

A brief one.

(speaking in tongues)

I said a fit,
not a fervor.

That sermon
really inspired me.

This whole Christmas
has been about money.

(bell jingling)

Oh, are you with
the Salvation Army?

What makes you
think that?

(clink)

Bless you. (laughs)

But I'm gonna give gifts
that aren't expensive

and come from the heart.

I don't know.

Christmas didn't get to be
the number one holiday

by being about love.

Um, when a woman talks,
she just wants to be heard.

(groans)

(groans)
Where's the end?

(gasps, groans)

Hey, Marge, we're running
out of chestnuts over here.

Well, they don't
grow on trees.

Uh, yeah, they do.

Oh.

What about our
romantic carriage ride

through the snow?

Setting it up.

I don't think
you're giving them

what they were
promised, Dad.

The secret is:
Don't read the comment cards.

Where do the people sit?

I thought they were
just gonna watch me.

Excuse me.

This eggnog
is terrible.

All eggnog
is terrible.

Those stockings are not
hung by the chimney with care.

Why did I do this
for money?

Why did I do this
for money?

And the Christmas special
on your television

is one of the worst.

ANNOUNCER:
We now return to King Winter
Feasts On His Children.

By the time Princess Summer
comes to save you,

you'll all be blood in my beard.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Your own father's beard.

(King Winter cackling)

How long
to see Santa?

How would I know?
I'm an accountant.

I imagine for
small business, huh?

God, I hate Christmas.

Huh?

Mr. Flanders,
where's your store?

Well, I'm down to a kiosk,
thanks to that place.

Actually, half
a kiosk.

Sharing it with
Nasreen here.

No cream is finer
than mall kiosk cream.

J.Lo use it.

No, thanks.

It is no wonder
you are not married.

Flip me back.

If I have to give presents,

I'll give presents
with a purpose.

One for Maggie. Check.

All that's left is Bart.

No.

No. No.

No, no, no...

Ah, perfect.

GUESTS:
♪ All from Satan's power

♪ As we were gone astray

♪ Oh, tidings

♪ Of comfort and joy

♪ In Bethlehem, in Israel
this blessed babe was born... ♪

Enough. Stop.

Christmas carols
only have one verse.

Well, they may have more,
but the second verse

is where they get
all weird and religiousy.

Uh, more
wassail, please.

And don't skimp on
the aromatic bitters.

For your information,
Gloria,

my wassail is just Gatorade
I put in the microwave.

(both gasp)
I drank that
under the mistletoe.

It's not mistletoe,

just cherries and lettuce.
Oh!

I thought when I ate it,
it wasn't poisonous.

I've opened up
my house to you

and all you do
is fill this joyous season

with petty complaints.

Ho, ho, ho.

Not now. Take
out that pillow

and put it in
room three.

(sighs)

The pillow acted as a girdle.

Any more questions?

Uh, yes, will
the pudding be figgy?

The pudding
will be Jell-O.

Quite so.

I'm going to
sulk in my room.

The only thing good about
this place is the piano player.

(coins rattle)

♪

(gasps)

An Angelica Button wizard robe.

With wand pocket.

And wand.

(gasps)
Professor Digglesby's wand.

Now I have every
wizarding stick

from the Spells and
Potions Department

of Wagglepoofs Academy.

Don't make me
learn about it.

I know this Christmas
has been a little rocky,

even for the Simpsons,

but I think these gifts
born of thought and love

will restore the balance
of prajna and samsara.

I mean holly and jolly.

Now, Dad,

I'd like to give you
your present.

You got me weed?

Even better.

They're bags
of seeds.

So that you can plant a
garden and watch it grow.

That's great, sweetie.

After all that time
and hard work, I'll have...

radishes?!

It's the most hated
part of salad,

which is the most hated
part of dinner.

Radishes, nothing but radishes.

Dad, stop.

What? I'm saving them
from the struggle of life.

Well, at least you're
eating vegetables.

Vegetables?!

Okay, Bart,
open your present.

It's the one I'm
most excited about.

Plastic bubbling vomit,
plastic bubbling vomit.

What? Lis,
you're smart.

Why would you
give me a book?

'Cause it's
easy to wrap?

Nothing is easy to wrap.

I have trouble with scissors.

(sobs)

(guests murmuring)

Marge, the brochure
promised us a happy Christmas.

My uncle died
in your bed.

Merry Christmas.

(yawns)

What?

(gasps) N.C. Wyeth.

(huge gasp)

These are book illustrations.

Stop it! Stop it!

Why in the world would
you burn a book?

Actually, the idea
to do this came from a book.

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury?

What? No, I got it
from this.

MILHOUSE:
See?

How could you burn the
present I gave you?

Because it's
my present.

Did you give it to me
because you thought I'd like it

or because you wanted to feel
better about yourself?

Children, perhaps it's
time that I explain

the true meaning
of Christmas.

HOMER:
Shut up, Flanders.

Okily-dokily.

Now, did you check
the room to make sure

you haven't
left anything?
All set.

Need directions
or a bottle of water?

No, thanks. We're fine.

Thank you, sir.

(clears throat)

Oh, right, we're
still doing that.

Come on. I'll drive
you to the airport.

Where are my keys?
Oh, right in here.

Bart, you
were right.

If you smell your farts
in a dream, you die?

No, about Christmas.

So I went out this morning
and I got you this.

It's a tablet
with books on it,

but also apps, like
Worms With Friends.

(muffled grumbling)

Wow. But how'd you afford it?

I sold the gift you gave me.

Get the twist?
Obviously.

You're saying
it's from Maggie,

but actually
it's from you.

Thanks, Lis.

Now, why don't you
donate that

to whatever
hopeless cause you want.

Thanks, Bart.

This will make a lot of
arctic loons very happy.

(Marge groans)

Uh, listen,

I just
wanted to say

I'm sorry
I overreacted.

Thank you all for coming.

Yeah, well, we have something
to say to you, Marge.

(groans)

♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry
Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy New Year.

♪ Good tidings we bring...

No second verses.

They creep me out.

Okay, we'll sing
a different one.

♪ Good King Wenceslas
looked out ♪

♪ On the feast of Stephen...

Oh, that one creeps me out
from the beginning.

♪ When the snow
lay round about ♪

♪ Deep and crisp and even

(loud whirring)

Oh, the happy sound
of a blender.