The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 25, Episode 7 - Yellow Subterfuge - full transcript

Principal Skinner promises the students that the best-behaved can take a ride in a submarine. Bart believes his past indiscretions will be forgotten. Lisa tries to help Krusty by suggesting him to sell the foreign rights to his shows.

D'oh!

(laughs)

♪ Skinner! ♪

♪ Skinner

♪ He patrols the school halls

♪ Skinner! ♪

♪ When you spit,
he's got the balls ♪

♪ As you mosey through
the school ♪

♪ All the kids say
you're so cool ♪

♪ And you even made

♪ Bart Simpson spill his milk



♪ Skinner! ♪

♪ Skinner

♪ You're the master

♪ Of your fate...!

Skinner!

♪ Skinner

♪ You sure look
good in chaps ♪

♪ Skinner...

Wake up. You're on!

(grunts)

Children, I have
some exciting news.

(kids murmuring)

I'm here to tell you about
a field trip so amazing,

we've put "sign here" stickers
on the permission slips.



As you recall, these stickers
came from last year's field trip

to the "sign here"
sticker factory.

But thanks
to my old navy buddy--

we both love to shop
at Old Navy--

the students of this school
will be taking a ride

on a nuclear-powered,
attack-class submarine,

the USS Tom Clancy!

(all gasp)

(chuckles)

So you're all excited, eh?

ALL:
Yay!

Well, that's too bad,

because many of you
will not be going.

ALL:
Huh?!

There's limited room

on the submarine, so only
the best-behaved students--

as determined by me--

will go on the trip.

Whoo-hoo!
Well, I get to go!

To increase the tension,

everyone starts
with a clean slate.

But from this moment on...

I am the law.

I hold the red pen.

♪ Skinner! ♪

Pranks, inside use of outside
voice, off-color whistling,

and you're stricken
from the list.

And once crossed off,
you stay crossed off.

That's what pens do.

(gulps)

(bees buzzing)

Help! I'm trapped in space
with a man I don't like!

BART:
Aooga!

Submerge! Periscope!

Aooga! Aooga!

Die, Nazi octopus, die!

(makes explosion sound)

Sweetie, about the submarine...

what's your favorite food to eat
when you're disappointed?

I'm going shopping tomorrow.

Ice cream sandwiches. Why?

What your mother
is trying to say

is we don't think
you can be good that long.

Mom, is that true?

Well, that's sort of what
I was trying to say, but...

What your mother
is trying to say is...

No, you're wrong!
You're all wrong!

I didn't say anything.

Were you thinking it?
Yes.

Get real, ding-dong!

You've already done
so much bad stuff,

Skinner's never gonna
let you on that boat.

No, Skinner said
I had a clean slate,

so right now, I'm as good
as any other kid.

(Homer and Lisa laughing)

Good one, ding-dong.

Mom!

Don't listen to them.
They're the ding-dongs.

Wha...?!

Bart, sweetie, this
is an opportunity

for you to turn things
around yet again.

And I believe in you.

Yet again.

Thanks, Mom.

I'll start by taking my plate
to the dishwasher.

Wherever that is.

(cupboards open, shut,
dish breaks)

Pfft. Marge,

I love Bart
as much as you do,

but actually not.

And that kid
cannot go one week

without getting
in trouble.

Now, if you'd be so kind
as to start my car for me,

I'm going to Moe's.

(blowing air)

Ooh.

(engine starts)

Thank you.

(tires squeal)

Whoo-hoo!

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm!

What are you doing?

To avoid temptation,
I'm getting rid

of all the things that could get
me in trouble at school.

I buried all my whoopee cushions
in the backyard.

(flatulence sounds)
Hmm?

(groans) What the...?

That's not where
I buried them.

Come on!

Don't take my custom limo!

At least let me sniff my coke
out of the floor mats!

(grunts)

(sniffing)

(bicycle bell dings)

Oh, hi, little girl.

What brings you to see
Uncle Krusty? (chuckles)

Krusty, are you broke?

Yeah. All it takes

is some bad luck
at the ponies,

worse luck in
the Bitcoin market,

heavy investment in a
high-end bookmark company.

You could do what
Everybody Loves Raymond did.

Go off the air
while I'm still good?

That horse has left the stable,
gone to the glue factory

and has been used
to make art projects.

I mean, you could sell
foreign rights to your show.

Even SpongeBob did it.

Buon compleanno,
Squiduardo!

No, no, no, Roberto!

E 'una mina della
seconda guerra mondiale,

che farà saltare
in aria e... Ah!

Calamari?!

No...!

(sobbing) No!

Uh... it's cute stuff,

but I'm still
broke, girlie.

Not my Monet!

I only looked
at it once!

What I'm saying is,

you could produce
foreign versions of your TV show

with actors
from other countries.

Okay, I'll do it!

Not my Shetland dolphin!

Although I won't miss
the constant yapping.

Papa!

Not anymore, he ain't.

(booming thud)

Gum on the floor.
Off the list.

Unauthorized meat-a-pult.
Off the list!

Lips touching
the fountain.

Off the list.

It's not my fault
there's no water pressure.

Excuses are like handkerchiefs;
everybody's got one.

I don't have
a handkerchief.

Off the list!

Firm but fair, sir.

Don't want any troublemakers
on our submarine.

Not bad, Simpson.
Did you wash your knees?

Front and back, sir.

You're like egg salad
at a picnic, Simpson.

Even when you look good,
we know you're going bad.

Principal Skinner?

I object to this
arbitrary use of power

and request
I be taken off the list.

Off the list!

Thank you.

Oh, man! Five days
without pranking?

I'm getting
strange red marks.

But I'm gonna make it!

(engine backfiring)

Uh-oh.
(alarms buzzing)

Something's wrong
with my long yellow car.

(starter chugs)

Any of you kids got
a Triple A card?

What? No.
I'll be late.

Skinner will cross my name
off the list.

(grunts)

All fixed up!

(horn honks)

(tires screech, horn drones)

(school bell rings)
(laughs, hums triumphantly)

Off the list.

For what?

Muddy footprints
on the school floor.
(gasps)

I've broken
a ten-year-old's spirit.

Time to celebrate

with a fruit-
on-the-bottom yogurt.

Plain, plain,
plain, plain...

Mmm! Fruit!

No, Mother, I did not use
any of your talc.

I don't know why
the bottle feels lighter.

Maybe you're just getting
stronger!

Some days I could just kill you.

(phone rings)

She heard me.

BART (nasally voice):
Hold for the president.

OBAMA (on spliced recording):
This is... Barack Obama!

Is this a prank?

OBAMA:
No.
(gasps)

That's offensive.
(gasps)

I want to...
talk about... submarines...

and trips.

Simpson... has to go.

Simpson... has to go...

on the... submarine.
On the... submarine.

Of course.

(tweeting)

This is... Barack Obama!

♪ So in love with you...

I like Ohio State...

You can put lipstick on a pig...

♪ So in love with you...

Welcome.

Welcome, foreign-market Krustys.

If you examine
your "Krusty Kit,"

you're gonna find
unremovable green hair dye,

a used red nose

and a guidebook
on how to capture a monkey.

But now, the man they call
Mr. Monday Afternoon...

Krusty!

Hey-hey!

Hai-hai!
Hu-hu!
Heil-heil!

Rodgrod med Flode!

Now, there are many words
for what I'm looking for--

rubles, renminbi, baht--
but they all mean money,

which rhymes with funny,
which you can be if you want.

I don't care.

Just do the Krusty show
in your country

and send me ten percent.

Then send me another 60%.

Then five percent more,
and you're good.

Nice job, Simpson.

You even got
my Suze Orman tape

unstuck from
the cassette player.

She's the reason I was able
to purchase a new watch band.

Always bragging about
his watch band.

If only I could tell time.

Okay, I washed
your car like you asked,

I did your paper route,
and I'm sorry.

I really am.

This could be the
turning point of my life.

Where you, as a school guy,
made a difference.

What do you think?

Can I go on that sub?

Sorry, Simpson.

Take her down.

KIDS:
Yay!

RALPH:
Yay!

NELSON:
Yippee!

MILHOUSE:
Poor Bart.

Rasta hey-hey,
on the left-hand side.

(laughs)

As my mother used to say,

"Wanti wanti can't get it,

getti getti no want it."

Now here's Itchem
and Scratchem, mon.

(laughs)

(cheering)

♪ They smoke

♪ They toke

♪ They smoke and toke
and smoke ♪

♪ Ha!

♪ Smoke, smoke, smoke

♪ Toke, toke, toke

♪ The Itchem
and Scratchem Blow. ♪



Eye and eye say good-bye.

The blessings of Jah
upon you all.

Nice.

You're a hit all
over the world.

There's Chinese Krusty
with Sideshow Mao.

Even Irish Krusty.

Me ma, she had 12 children,

but only three lived.

Then they closed the mill.

(chuckles sadly)

Hey-hey.

(Irish flute plays
melancholy tune)

And it's all thanks
to you, kid.

To show my
appreciation,

I'm gonna bring
you with me

next time I entertain
the troops.

Warning: they're
not American troops.

(slurps)

Hello, boy.

At times like this,

there's not much
you can say,

especially if you don't
know what happened.

(sobs)

Skinner didn't
let me go.

Really?

Hey, I bet that submarine
isn't so fun anyway.

(sniffs)

You think so?

Fire that torpedo,
Milhouse.

Aye, aye.

Where'd it go?

It was just
imaginary.

I know a kid
should never

turn to his father
for help,

but I got screwed.

Is there anything
you can do?

As I always say,

don't get mad;
get dinner.

Then get even.

With Skinner.

You'll really
help me get revenge?

Yes.

What's Skinner's
weakness?

Everything.

Good.

We can use that.

♪ Skinner! ♪

♪ Skinner

♪ You are feeling pretty smug

♪ Skinner! ♪

♪ Sipping cocoa from a mug

♪ When you've reached
the mountaintop ♪

♪ Your next step is a drop.

No, no, no, no, no!

♪ Skinner! ♪

(knocking)
I'll be right there.

Just saying good-bye to Mother.

(imitates Mother):
Seymour, I'm going out
for a walk.

Uh-huh, see you in several
months at the soonest.

(knocking continues)

We have a problem,
Seymour.

I did everything
for you

and you stabbed
me in the back.

Wait a minute, I knew you
were a neat freak, Skinner,

but you beat your rug
till it bleeds?

(gasps)

All right,
I'll come clean.

I woke up and, surprisingly,
Mother wasn't there beside me.

She was dead.

Still, I can't
be sure I killed her.

Well, I'm sure
our town's police force

will handle this
competently.

Now, I could
investigate further,

but you don't want to sit
in a jail all weekend.

Chief, that was
awfully arbitrary.

Not compared to this.

(groans)

Let me handle this.

Just go upstairs
and shut the door.

There are some things
only a boy should see.

(door closes)

(both laugh)

(cackles)

Now do you want to dispose
of this jelly-soaked pillow?

Just call me The Cleaner.

(slurps)

Um, where's the body?

She's in a better place.

(chain saw rumbling)

The deed is done.

Oh, I wish you'd
asked me before you...

Look, you kill them,
I get rid of them.

That's always
been our deal.

But I do have one question:

Do you want the head?

No, no, God, no.

Well, if you change your mind,
it'll be in my freezer.

But only for a week.

Got a lot of ice cream
coming in.

Ugh, if this were a movie,
Mother wouldn't let me watch it.

Now, I'm afraid it's time
to start your new life.

You'll be hunted,
on the run,

searching for the man
who killed your mother,

which is you.
So avoid mirrors.

(Krusty humming)

Krusty, I have
some very bad news.

The foreign Krustys
are all hotter than you.

Irish Krusty's
got a show on Broadway.

Oi, where's your monkey?

There never was a monkey.

I was just tellin' stories

to forget me consumption.

(coughs)

(applause)

Well, you see there,

they need to hit the
word "monkey" harder

if they want
to get a laugh.

Don't you get
what I'm trying to tell you?

You are now the least popular
Krusty in the world.

What about Romanian Krusty?

What, you mean
President-for-Life Krusty?

(low groan)

I still get a
piece, right?

Putz.
You're the least successful

version of you there is.

A piece.

Now, let's see
where this goes.

Irish Krusty, this
is your baby.

The only thing working
round here is your libido.

Now I know why Ma
walked into the sea

with her pockets full
of rocks, on Christmas.

Why doesn't this
material work for me?

Seymour, the cops
are on their way.

(siren wails)

Here's a bus ticket
to Juarez and your fake I.D.

SKINNER:
Oh, come on,

I don't look anything like this

"Dick Fiddler."

No, you don't... yet.

I don't want to
sound ungrateful,

but could I eat
one of the potatoes?

Sorry, but Dick Fiddler
is allergic to potatoes.

I understand.

(both giggling)

Dad?

Thanks for sticking up for me.

(laughs)

Someday I may have
to fake my own death.

And maybe you can
help me with that.

Sure, Dad.

Someday soon.

As in, what are you
doing this Friday?

Aah! Dick Fiddler!

Gentlemen, I can't
run away from what I've done.

I accept that
I killed my mother.

My whole life,
she's belittled me.

Maybe deep down, I'm glad.

This has gone
far enough.

I'm starting to think
this "school project"

is more than
meets the eye.

Mother?
You're alive?

Seymour, when this
fat guy and his kid

asked me to fake my
death to punish you,

I said, "Sure, that's
something to do."

You know, when you
glare like that,

you look really
beautiful.

(grumbles):
Mm-hmm.

But when I just
heard you say

you were glad
to see me dead...

I thought, "Now I'm gonna
be meaner to you than ever."

How is that possible?

I've stopped taking
those pills that keep me nice.

(gasps)

♪ Fiddler! ♪

♪ Fiddler, you look stupid

♪ In that beard

♪ Fiddler! ♪

♪ This dream is getting weird.

KRUSTY:
So I heard many of you

are dissatisfied with
my 75% cut of your take.

Well, we did consider
letting you keep more.

(cheering)

But instead,

we're giving you
something even better.

I will do a guest shot
on each of your shows.

Huh? Eh?

(jeering, shouting)

Twist him like a balloon.

Cut off his hey-heys.

Let's slice him up
and cook him

in our traditional dishes.

Krusty, can't you
think of something?

I'm very bad in a crisis.

I also can't ad-lib,

memorize anything,
improv or tell a joke.

Uh, you know, why did you
even become a clown?

Well, I was supposed to
be one of the sad ones.

♪ They smoke, they toke

♪ They smoke and toke
and smoke ♪

♪ Ha!

♪ Smoke, smoke, smoke

♪ Toke, toke, toke

♪ The Itchem
and Scratchem Blow ♪

♪ Ha!

Shh!