The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 25, Episode 5 - Labor Pains - full transcript

Homer remembers his Lamaze skills when he's forced to deliver a baby in an elevator. When the mother names the child Homer Jr., he quickly develops a deep emotional bond with the kid. Meanwhile, Lisa is recruited by the cheerleaders of the local pro football team, the Springfield Atoms.

(oogah horn blows)

(exclaiming)

(school bell ringing)

(Barney belches)

D'oh!

(tires screeching)

(grunts)

(angry shouting)

(dramatic music plays)

(cries out)

(belches)



MARGE:
Oh!

Come on.
Just pick one.

(sniffing)

Oh. Fine, you can
have your old one.

(Marge sighs)

You can have one of these.

(sniffing)

Hmph!

Did you know some historians
think American football

is based on
an ancient Aztec game?

It's not American football,
it's just football.

Bart, you're not annoyed
that Milhouse asked me

to go to the American football
game instead of you?

Mom, Lisa's
ruining football.
American football.



No time for breakfast, Marge.
Just give me a banana.

(humming)

Now, listen. I have
to work late tonight.

Again? I was hoping you could
spend some time with the kids.

It's a tough economy.
Money doesn't grow on trees.

It grows on threes.

(laughs)

Yeah, I'm out.

Me, too.

Too rich for my blood.

I should not have
anted with my blood.

Whew.

You got the touch
tonight, Homer.

(chuckles)

Nice sunglasses, Lenny.

Homer Simpson.

Do you really want to keep
cheating your friends,

lying to your wife,
and avoiding your kids?

What would Jesus do?

Hey, you gotta pay
to find out.

You looking
for a tell?

I don't have one,
my friend.

What? What are you
lookin' at?

I'd better
call it a night, guys.

I don't want to take
any more of your money.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Hmm.

Who's president now,
Alexander Hamilton?

I think it's Obama.

Hold the door,
please.

(breathes heavily)
Two minutes apart.

Timing the
elevators, eh?
Oh.

Smart.
Oh.

No, no.

I'm timing
my contractions.

I think
I'm in labor.

Deep in labor.

Okay, okay,
no worries.

What the...? Oh!

Do you have a cell phone?

Everyone has a cell phone.
Mine's at home.

The most beautiful moment
of my life is happening now.

Everything will be fine.

Um...Oh you, uh,
you like movies?

This reminds me of
that scene in Alien.
What?

The scene where she escapes
with the cat at the end.

Aw, well, that's sweet.

Listen, I'm glad I'm not
going through this alone.

I haven't seen
my boyfriend in months.

Oh, uh, he was just here.

No, he wasn't.

But thanks for lying.

You like lies?
Here's a few:

College is expensive
but it's worth it.

I think the baby's coming.

Okay Homer, remember
your Lamaze training.

Now, this next
position is fantastic

for women who are
carrying especially big.

Homer, can you demonstrate?

Mm-hmm.

Mm...

Oh. Yeah, wow,
that does feel good.

Oh, no, I think
it's coming.

Oh, I haven't even
picked a name yet.

You did this to me.

No, I didn't.

I'm talking to the baby.

Here it comes.

Um, I don't know
how to tell you this,

but your baby
doesn't have any legs.
What?

Oh, wait, there's more.

Mm. (grunts)

(baby cries)

It's a dude.

And he's uncut.

Very Euro.

Now, hug your mommy.

For unto you is born
this day, in this elevator,

inspected in August 2009,

a baby.

(elevator motor humming)

(relieved sigh)

Well, it was nice
to share this moment

with someone who cared.

Yeah, that guy didn't
even look over once.

Lobby please.

(grunts)

(moans)
How was work?

Miraculous.

Mm?

Mothers are so awesome.

Oh.

These are great seats.

You can hear the players
swear from up here.

PLAYER:
I'll kick your ass, Milhouse.

ANNOUNCER:
And now, to take your minds
off the massive concussion

and subdural hematoma
you just witnessed,

please welcome
the Springfield Atomettes.

Now, for this routine,
we need the help

of a junior Atomette.

They're picking me, Dad.

Don't call me "Dad." If
people think peanut vendors

have families,
it's too sad.

ANNOUNCER:
Looks like we've
got a volunteer...

right there.
(gasps)

Look, while I'd like to help,

I'm kind of pessimistic
about the team's chances.

They're gonna
get creamed.

Go, go, go!

Mm?

(crowd cheering)

Uh...



(crowd cheering, whooping)

I'm dating a cheerleader.

LISA (in the distance):
No, you're not.

PLAYER:
Burned again, Milhouse.

(crowd chatter)

Wow, that
was great.

Can I have my regular
clothes back, please?

No... problem.

Great job,
ladies.

Now here's your
50 bucks each

which should just about
cover your parking.

I can't believe
he pays you so little.

The crowd was crazy about you.

I know, but what are we
gonna do about it?

If we pipe up they'll
put us in the mascot costume.

WOMEN:
Ew.

After you wear that, you need
to be hosed down for bedbugs.

Good game, everyone.
I never dreamed

a night where you
discovered I was cheating

and beat the crap
out of me could end
on such an up note.

See you next week.

WOMAN:
Homer.

Hmm? Hey, Gretchen.

I had your
jacket cleaned.

Good as new.
And thanks for loaning me

your sweater
for the ride home.

It may be a little
stretched out.

Geez, that was a
pregnancy sweater.

So, you want to hold
little Homer?

Wow, so now there's
two things named after me--

a baby, and a law banning
air horns after 3:00 a.m.

(nasally):
Aw, that's sweet.

(tires screech)

MOE:
Read 'em and weep.

The novels of Charlotte Bronte.

CARL:
Um, I thought we were
playing cards.

Uh, hey.

I was just driving by

with some baby stuff
we didn't need

and, uh, well, here's some
diapers Maggie's too big for,

and an incredible educational
toy I forgot to give Bart.

Thanks. Hey, could you
babysit for an hour?

I've been alone
with the baby for days.

Wow, I'd love to help,

but I did kind of have
plans for tonight.

MOE: No, you can't leave.
I'm dealin' you in.

(grunts)
(screams)

Full house?

You win again?

I think I'll be good tonight
and stay in with you.

♪ Baby, baby,
please let me hold him ♪

Where's Hoju?

Where's Hoju?

(screams)
Where's Hoju?

Where's Hoju?

Where's Hoju?!

(sobbing)
♪ We want to make him
stay up all night ♪

♪ Yeah, we do.



(song ends)

♪ Itchy and Scratchy show.

♪ A child arrived
just the other day ♪

♪ He came to the world
in the usual way ♪

♪ But there were planes
to catch ♪

♪ And bills to pay

♪ He learned to walk
while I was away ♪

♪ And he was talking
'fore I knew it ♪

♪ And as he grew, he'd say,
"I'm gonna be like you, Dad" ♪

♪ "You know I'm gonna be
like you" ♪

♪ And the cat's
in the cradle... ♪

(explosion, music stops)

Kids blow up so fast.

(Homer humming)

Oh!
Homie?

Aw, you're shopping
ahead for Maggie.

Oh, no, I'm shopping
for Homer Jr.,

a baby I delivered
in an elevator

the night I pretended
to go to work

but was really playing poker.

What?!

(grunting)

This simulation has been brought
to you by your brain,

a subsidiary of your penis.

Oh, yes, I'm shopping
for Maggie, our baby together,

so this looks
perfectly innocent.

Why are you saying that?

Oh, you know how
the first few weeks are:

sleep deprived,
walking around in a fog.

First few weeks
of what?

Um, November.

(groans)

(grunting, low chatter)

Hey, Atomette.

I want to say... Caitlin?

Lisa. Guys, do you realize

you're being exploited
by this team?

ALL:
Wha...?

They sell your posters,

workout DVDs,

and all of your practices

are broadcast on a webcam.

And some of the angles

are low.

But don't worry,
collective bargaining

will enable us
to secure concessions.

Uh, we're gonna push 'em back,

push 'em back,
push 'em way, way back.

All the way to a new contract.

'Cause union power is a fact.

And we're...

Okay, okay, we get it.

Well, look who's here.

You been hit by the cheerleading
bug, little lady?

Actually, I've been hit by
the unfair labor practices bug.

What? Why, that's
Samuel Gompers talk.

Now, little missy, the only
thing you should be organizin'

is your dollies.

How? By size, brand, value?

And don't even suggest race,
'cause I don't see that.

I just see little people I own.

What do you say, ladies?

(indistinct whispering)

Not right, not fair.

Let's say it with our hair.

Okay, fine.

I'm gonna give it some thought,

then say no
in the nicest way possible.

No.

Oh, good.

Nice.

"Beat Dallas."

Can never argue
with that.

Hey, ladies. My vest isn't
the only thing that's ripped.

I am in the market
for a backup mistress.

Possibly two.

Have you kids
seen your father?

Surprised he's not here
ogling these girls.

He said he was going to work.

On a Friday afternoon?

(gasps) I bet he's
playing poker again.

Coming through.

Wife on a mission.

Go, fight, win.

Marge.

Wow, I've never burst
through a banner before,

but it really does the trick.

(pounding on door)

Homer, I know you're here.

Your car's outside.

Where is he?

I honestly
don't know.

I'm just teaching myself massage
here with online videos

and a store mannequin.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

So, do you have any injuries
I should know about?

Oh!

Hmm, if he's not in there,
where is he?

HOMER:
Oh, baby.

Oh, baby, shake it.
Homer like.

(gasps)
Oh.

Shake it. Now, roll
over on your tummy,

just like I
taught you.

Tell me what
a cow says.

(toy moos)

Aah!
My other baby mama.

So this is where
you've been going.

Another woman's
apartment.

Marge, it's not
what you think.

Quiet. You're
upsetting Homer Jr.

(quietly):
You have a baby together?

Oh, it's cool.

We did it in an elevator.

(gasps)
I'm a Schwarzenegger wife.

But you're also
the housekeeper,
so it's all good.

It's not good.

None of it's good.

I haven't had a
drink for a week.

That is pretty good.

So then you
delivered her baby

right there
in the elevator.
It's true.

Even the other guy
in the elevator--
he's right here.

And the really funny
thing is I'm a doctor.

Well, I'm glad
you did a good deed,

but you shouldn't
come here again.

I thought that was
strange poop on your collar.

(moans sadly)

Good-bye, Homer Jr.

I guess you're the
man of the house now.

And never forget,

even though the mortgage
is due on the first,

you can usually wait
till the 17th.

(sobbing)

You know what?

I think it's fine
if Homer spends a few hours

now and then with...

Homer Jr.

Exactly.

You always said
charity begins at home.

But not which home.

It's true, I never
specified the home.

♪ There's a great
and a bloody fight ♪

♪ 'Round this whole world
tonight ♪

♪ And the battle, the bombs
and shrapnel reign ♪

♪ Hitler told the world around

♪ He would tear
our union down ♪

♪ But our union's gonna break
them slavery chains ♪

♪ Our union's gonna break them
slavery chains ♪

(tires screeching)

♪ I walked up on a mountain
in the middle of the sky ♪

♪ Could see every farm
and every town ♪

♪ I could see all the people
in this whole wide world ♪

♪ That's the union that'll tear
the fascists down, down, down. ♪

Now to sing you a lullaby
my father sung to me.

♪ Sleep, sleep, sleep,
sleep, sleep ♪

♪ Sleep, sleep, sleep,
sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. ♪

(snoring softly)

Oh, man, I really
overdid it tonight.

Late night at Moe's, eh?

No, I'm exhausted from

♪ Head, shoulders, knees
and toes, knees and toes. ♪

It's the toes that
get you, Marge.

It's the toes.

What about your
own children?

Way ahead of you, Marge,
I'm taking all four

of my kids to the zoo tomorrow.

Three.

Yes, we'll be back by 3:00.

Homer has a very
tight nap schedule.

Quit talking
about that baby.

I was talking about myself
in the third person.

Oh.

We can't take
much more of this, Lisa.

The girls are getting so antsy
they'll cheer anything.

You're the greatest generation,

worthy of our veneration.

Go Grampa!

If this is heaven,
why don't my shoes match?

(doorbell rings)

(deep sigh)
Okay, I give up.

I'm gonna do what
we secretly did at the Alamo--

surrender.

(cheering)

While you're at it,
how about a little boost

for peanut vendors?

What do you think
I'm taking their raise out of?

(jabbering happily)

I wanted you all
to be happy together,

so I brought you
to the zoo

where all the animals
live in harmony.

(growls)

(triumphant wail)

Okay, guys,
I got your ice creams.

Hey, ah, ah, ah.

Now, Maggie, we don't
hurt each other in this family.

Are you nuts?

You can't even kiss me good
night without slicing me

with your stubble.
Why you little...

I'll give you a good-night kiss
you'll never forget.

Come here, you.

(grunting)
Aah, ooh, ah!

Ah! Ow!
Yeah!

Dad, we're missing the giant
capybaras of Uruguay.

Okay, I know what'll
cheer you kids up.

Seeing me out-monkey
the monkeys.

(hooting like a monkey)

(angry hooting, screeching)

I have a soul
and you guys don't.

(hooting)

Aah! Monkeys!

(grunts)

(angry grunt)

Dad, Maggie's rolling away.

(gasps) She's heading for
Prairie Dog Village.

If they get her
in their warrens,

we'll never
see her again.

(chittering)

Look, shiny keys.

Jingle jangle.

(grunts, laughs)
Stupid monkeys.

That's it, Maggie,
use the Dino-Wand.

This is the last time
you'll see that elevator baby.

I'm sorry,
Homer Jr.

You'll occupy an idealized
place in my heart

that no one can
ever quite fill.

(Homer sobbing)

Therapy, please.
Me, too.

Okay, I've got to impart
all my fatherly advice

in this one walk.

The sky is blue,
but nobody really knows why.

Don't believe
what they tell you.

Girls are great
and terrible at the same time.

Get used to it.

And, most importantly...
Oops, we're here.

You'll have to figure
it out on your own.

Sorry, little fella.
One day I'll be that guy

who comes to your wedding,
makes you feel a little weird,

and then runs away.

Homer, great news.

Chase came back.

(whoops)
Who's Chase?

Homer Jr.'s father.

Oh, my God,
is that my son?

You didn't tell me
he was a soldier.

You didn't tell me
you were pregnant.

I didn't want you
to marry me because
I was pregnant.

I wanted you to
marry me because
I was nagging you.

(fusses)

Um, he likes it if
you tickle his toes.

Dude, he's my kid.
He likes what I like.

But n-n-n-nurture.

Gretch, I think
he's got my calves.

He does, baby,
he does.

Can I just say
good-bye to him quick?

Sure.

I guess this is it, little guy.

Da-da.
(gasps) The most beautiful
words a father can hear.

Da-da. Da-da.
Oh.

Hey, one day you'll have
kids of your own.

I do.
Really? Then this is
much creepier than I thought.

Much.

Shouldn't have bet his door
if he didn't want to lose it.

(sighs)

Hi, Maggie.
If you could talk,

I know you'd have a few
choice words for me.

You want me to take care
of your dolly?

That's the sweetest thing
any baby has ever done for me.

Honey, you know where
the bottle opener is?

I think it's
in the drawer.

Whoa, little dude.

Where did you
learn that?

This is what we're
fighting for, babe.

(marching band playing
theme song )

HOMER:
Hey, what's this marching band
have to do with Homer Jr.?

What?!

There were cheerleaders in our
house and nobody told me?

(Homer moans)

Shh!