The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 25, Episode 2 - Treehouse of Horror XXIV - full transcript
The scariest Simpsons Halloween show yet, featuring an opening by Guillermo Del Toro.
(thunder crashing)
(electrical crackling,
bird squawks)
(moaning growls)
(bellows)
(moaning)
(gasps)
(electrical crackling)
(grunts)
(suspenseful music plays)
(birds cawing)
(yelling)
(gasps)
(grunting)
(whistle blows)
(shrieks)
(screams)
(gasps)
* The Simpsons 25x02 *
Treehouse of Horror XXIV
Original Air Date on October 6, 2013
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther and jasonnguyen2606
(yells)
(beeping)
(groans)
(singing opera)
(playing the blues)
(playing the blues)
(monster shrieking)
(bird caws)
(chuckles)
(all screaming)
(all moaning, shrieking)
(horn honking)
(panting)
(screams)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
(horn honking)
(yells)
(moaning)
(screaming)
(screaming fades,
clocks ticking)
(grunts, gasps)
(electrical zapping)
LISA: 'Twas Halloween night,
with the kids door-to-dooring,
and all over town the
blood sugar was soaring.
(doorbell rings)
Give me your candy!
LISA: But the Simpson abode
was deep down in the dumps,
'cause from little to bigger,
the kids had the mumps.
MARGE: Now, I'm off to a
party, my outfit is chic.
It's a Catwoman costume,
I'm sure is unique.
(dog howls)
Wait a second...
it's Halloween?
Just rest on the sofa,
I'll be home by 10:00.
- Can we have some candy?
- Just one M&M.
LISA: Then we heard
a loud crash.
- HOMER: D'oh!
- We were tempted to scat.
BART: And we looked
and we saw him...
LISA/BART: The Fat in the Hat!
I'll save Halloween for
you three grumpy tots.
Just stick out your rumps for
some mump-stumping shots!
(sighs)
Now hop on my cycle,
there's nothing to fear.
And we shall have candy...
and maybe some beer.
Huh?
You should not be here
when their mother's away!
And you should be dead,
you're so wrinkled and gray!
I'll give you the business,
you yellow sea cow!
This go-getting oldster will...
Where am I now?
(grunts)
We'll fix up this mix-up
in two minutes flat,
with the helpers I've hidden
right under my hat.
(kids exclaim)
I... uh, I knew there was
something I left off my list.
Without food, air and water,
they cease to exist.
(explosion)
I am the Borax. I
speak for the woods.
But I've plastered my
likeness on consumer goods.
HOMER:
Sellout!
Hey!
* Oh, the Fat in the Hat
doesn't care what moms say *
* The minute they leave
you, he'll take you away *
- (gasps)
- * His breakfast is dinner
* His dinner's dessert
* You might see his name
on an AMBER Alert! *
Trick or treat!
Who buzzed the buzzard?
Don't pester the rich.
I don't hand out candy,
you son of a Gritch.
BART: He pulled out bamfoozlers
and side-winding gizzles.
(explosion)
(laughing)
He laughed as he heard that
old codger's house-sizzles.
Let this be a lesson
to those who love cash,
that your nice stash of cash
could be gone in a flash.
And if you are awful
and nasty and cruel...
Enough with the lessons!
This isn't a school!
(neck cracks)
* Once a year we
are not hungry *
* Thanks to Christian charity.
(all gag)
(toilet flushing)
(snoring)
I don't got no candy,
I only serve beer.
And who said that you could
bring minors in here?
Your peanuts are pawed through,
your beer smells like skunk.
And you just pissed off
the wrong fat, furry drunk!
(gasps) Hey, hey, hey!
This is supposed to be
a children's story!
Go grab all his money
and vodka and gin.
And I'll knit a nice thnord
from his leathery skin.
Say, Mr. Hat, I don't
mean to complain,
but you promised us candy,
not mayhem and pain.
BART: The dude thought
a while, then said:
I know a man! With an overpriced store,
who'll give all that he can.
Take whatever you want.
I don't want any trouble.
Take Jims that are Slim,
and gum of the bubble.
I won't shoot you now, 'cause
I've found something cruel-ah,
an afternoon off with
eight kids and Manjula.
(bike bell rings, kids laughing)
(kids laughing)
APU: No...!
* Oh, the Fat in the Hat
* Has some anger issues
* And some highly unusual
political views *
* If he comes a-calling,
you'd better hide *
* 'Cause he's committing
aggravated floop-fluffle-cide! *
Don't forget me!
* Floop-fluffle-cide!
BART: We had to escape
from this behatted mammal.
LISA: So we hitched us a ride
on a three-hump gumbamel!
A gumbamel's a camel but
faster and humbler.
It doesn't take tips and
it's never a grumbler.
So if you must leave
in a kind of a scramble,
then jump on the hump
of a humble gumbamel.
BART: But if the gumbamel
should ramble, then stumble,
then just hop atop a
Krustiferous Krumbull.
But then if that Krumbull
should happen to tumble,
just call your amigo,
the bee man of bumble.
(exhales)
BEE MAN:
Ay-yi-yi!
LISA: We thought we'd escaped
from our psychotic guide...
but when we got home,
he was waiting inside!
I'm staying forever.
You're all stuck with that.
'Cause I'm your new daddy,
the Fat in the...
(screams)
I'm frightened of nothing,
not even hellfires.
Just don't let me ever
be played by Mike Myers.
(groans)
BART: Now please do not worry,
'cause we did okay.
Yes, kids will get candy,
whatever you say.
PILOT:
What the hell?!
(Bart laughs)
- Bart, isn't it dangerous to fly your
kite by an airport? - PILOT: Stupid kids!
Hey, if they get on an airbus, they
know they're taking their chances.
Kite at 2:00!
I don't know what that means,
I have a digital watch!
(pilots scream)
(both groan)
What's my wife's picture doing
on your control screen? Over.
Homina, homina, homina. Over.
(yawns)
(groans)
Nowhere to tie my kite...
and I forgot my scarf.
(gasps)
Bingo!
I'm seeing a 12-car pileup,
a naked rooftop cookout,
and... Oh, my God!
A box kite! (screams)
(sighs)
Well, at least it's
a beautiful night.
(grunts)
I'm alive! All patched up!
End of story.
Actually, there's a little more.
Ay, caramba!
I'm sorry. This was the only way
to lengthen Bart's life for a year
while shortening yours by 30.
I thought I was donating blood.
You are. Along with lymph, spinal fluid,
and all the trimmings. (chuckles)
But, Lisa, your brain is
still in complete control.
I could do what
I want to Bart's head?
Aw, geez. Strangle me out of this, Fatso.
Why you little...!
I'll teach you to
make medical history!
Oops.
Ah, all good.
D'oh!
(neck cracks)
(humming)
(spits)
Hey, boy, since you don't need a bedroom
anymore, I finally get my man cave.
* Man cave!
* Everyone's welcome
to my man cave! *
I assure you, we've spared no effort to
accommodate your special-needs student.
And... done.
So, in conclusion,
my show-and-tell is...
this!
Excellent, Lisa.
A-plus.
Bart, your turn.
Well, my show-and-tell is
that I'm on Lisa's body.
Derivative and repetitive!
F-minus.
- Aw!
- (giggles)
Bart, I expected more
from a fourth-grade head.
(gasps)
You're rotating it
in the wrong direction!
(both grunting)
That was gonna be
my show-and-tell!
Bart, Lisa, I'm afraid you two are
going to be together for a long time.
Why don't you try to say
something good about each other?
Well, she's pretty healthy for someone
who's been living with cooties.
Bart, aren't Lisa's ears clean?
Yeah. It's like looking
down a Canadian tunnel.
- What else?
- Well...
now I always have
someone to eat lunch with.
Great!
That's as much therapy
as your parents can afford.
I think we've made
some progress here.
Great...
Oh, and I have this "two
heads for one" coupon.
Well, that's for lettuce.
How about this one? "One random disorder
free with every schizophrenia."
That's mine, but it's expired.
D'oh!
(playing "When the
Saints Go Marching In")
Should've chopped off
Bart's head long ago.
Sleep well, Lis. Somehow, sewing my head on
your shoulder brought us closer together.
Rainbow...
oh, Rainbow...
Oh... not the pony dream again.
(gasps)
Hey, I did that.
Yep, that's me.
When she's asleep, I'm in control.
Lis, I'm gonna make
sure you stay asleep.
(laughs evilly)
Ooh, mix-ins!
Mmm.
(snores)
(falls down stairs,
grunts, shouts)
Son of a...
(grunts)
(snoring)
(engine sputters, dies)
You start a car as well
as you start a family.
You wait here while I go
get the jumper cables.
MRS. SKINNER:
Oh, a panic attack, huh?
Well, I'll give you
something to panic about!
(grunting)
(groans)
Now I'll just cut off her annoying
head and this body will be all mine.
Or we both die.
Not really sure
what the rules are.
(gasps)
Why, Bart?
I thought we were friends.
A brother can never
be friends with his sister.
- Are you really, really sure?
- I'm afraid I am.
Well, then, I guess
I have no choice.
(yells)
How could this go wrong?
'Cause in a head-to-head battle,
the one with the most brains wins!
(groans)
(groans)
Well, wherever I am,
it's gotta be an improvement.
Guess again.
(moans)
Now I can always
sing karaoke duets.
- * Mock...
- Yeah.
- * Ing...
- Yeah.
I feel your pain, brother.
Now, I need you to memorize these
10,000 setups by next week.
Help me, Doctor.
So this is what successful
post-op looks like.
(circus music plays)
BURNSUM: Step right up.
Step right up, only two bits!
(snickering)
(slurps, growls)
Thrill as...
Thrill as Marguerite
conquers the air!
(cheering)
Laugh at the clown's buffoonery!
Seriously, folks, I really think
we should stop this Hitler guy.
(laughing)
Disbelieve, as the Strong Man pulls
a wagon with his bare tongue!
* This is the song that
you hear at the circus *
* Sung by a guy that you
see at the circus *
(muffled):
* Do-do-do, do-do-do
* Do-do-do...
D'oh!
Or gape in terror at Almighty
God's whoopsy-daisies...
the Freaks!
(crowd exclaims)
The Human Donkey.
Hee-haw!
The Terrifying Callback.
- * Mock
- Yeah.
- * Ing...
- Yeah.
Creatures from another galaxy!
Actually, it's more
of a globular cluster.
Not the dark, not the dark!
Ah!
And now... I must ask that
small children leave,
good women avert their eyes, and men
take a stiff slug of circus whiskey.
Behold, the most hideous
creature of all.
- How ya doin'?
- (audience screams)
So, uh, anyone here
from New Jersey?
I'm goin' there next week.
(screams)
(humming)
(humming continues)
Whoa!
(grunting)
(humming)
- Hey, torso! What's with the cookies?
- Huh?
Even the human snail
would've been done by now.
I am so sick and tired of people assuming
that the human snail is, in some way, slow.
Good day!
(grunts)
All of you! Get back out there with your
flippers flapping, and your stumps a-stumping!
Joe and Jane Normal expect some
entertainment for their nickel!
Mr. Burnsum! You should treat
these poor people with respect!
Marge! Get away
from those freaks.
You belong to me!
The dumb, hairless brute.
Well, you are the best
this circus has to offer.
(laughing)
Taste the strength
of your fianc?.
Ooh!
Ooh...
With the mighty tongue
God's given you,
why can't you speak kindly
of these imperfect angels?
Marge, they knew what
they were getting into
when their parents sold
them to the circus.
Enough! You will comport yourself with the
dignity expected of a traveling freak show.
(grunts)
Excuse me, ma'am, but, uh, I ain't
never seen a normal stand up for us.
(sighs)
I, too, am a freak.
One eye is blue,
and the other a pale brown.
I wouldn't want to be you, lady.
Never give up hope, my friends.
Of all the kisses I have ever gotten
in my life, that was the first.
Hey, you should
ask her out, Moe.
Ah, but she's sweet
on the strong man.
You're fine unless Rabbit Ears
hears and tells Big Mouth.
(whispering)
Wha...?!
I ain't got no chance with
the strong man's girl.
He makes ten dollars a week plus
all the sawdust he can eat.
Well, you've got an emerald ring.
My mother's ring.
(sobs)
She gave it to me
on her deathbed.
She also acquired it
on her deathbed.
That was a very busy deathbed.
With an emerald that big,
I could buy anything.
A jalopy, an icebox, a steamer
trunk full of fedoras!
But how do I get my hands on it?
Oh, I'm an idiot! Of course!
I get Marge to marry Moe, then I
kill Moe, then she gets the ring,
then I marry her
and the ring is mine.
And the brilliance of my
plan is its simplicity.
You're gonna be sorry
you said that.
You're gonna be sorry
you said that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...
I just lost my keys!
Whoa-whoa-whoa...
What do you know?
I am gathering moss!
(owl hoots)
Hey, Marge, you want
to marry Moe?
I'm engaged to you, my love.
- The poor, lonely fellow is about to die.
- Really? How?
Well, let me worry about how.
But you know, you could make
his last day a happy one.
And the ring is just
the icing on the cake.
- What ring?
- The ring that'll get me out of this lousy circus
and into a good circus.
Now, let's get you married.
But wouldn't you
be jealous, my love?
(laughs)
Dear, I am not the jealous type.
And from you, I have learned to feel
compassion for these disgustos.
Aw...
(solemnly):
* She's a superfreak
* Superfreak
* She's superfreaky
* Yow.
"Yow" indeed.
And so, with the conclusion of
our traditional wedding song,
I now declare you
husband and wife.
Moe, whatever small time together
we have will be wonderful.
(laughs)
A very small time!
Those are strange
things to say,
but a wedding is no place to worry about
threats from the bride's former lover.
Now, the toast.
To you, Marge.
Now you are one of us.
FREAKS (chanting):
One of us! Gooble goo!
One of us! Gooble goo!
Why is it company parties
always get weird?
(cork pops)
God, you are so beautiful
in that peignoir there.
I, uh, better freshen
up a little bit.
(humming)
Set it to "massage," Jumbo.
(humming)
Hmm? What are you doing?
Oh! Trying to kill Moe so
we'll get his emerald!
By the way, I haven't checked,
but emeralds are valuable, right?
(gasps)
Strong Man!
Moe may be ugly on the outside,
but inside, you are the true monster.
Leave my trailer forever!
You're rejecting me?
But I'm in the best shape
anyone is in the 1930s.
I said go!
(whimpers)
(chanting): One of us! Gooble goo!
One of us! Gooble goo!
What the hell does
"gooble goo" mean?
(chanting): We don't know! Gooble goo!
We don't know! Gooble goo!
(gasps)
You killed Burnsum!
Now who is gonna say,
"Step right up"?
FREAKS:
Gooble goo! Gooble goo!
Tar and feather him!
Tear off his drumsticks!
Make him... one of us!
FREAKS (chanting):
One of us!
- One of us!
- This is exactly why circus attendance is plummeting!
And that, kids, is how
I met your mother.
(How I Met Your Mother
theme music playing)
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther and jasonnguyen2606
FREAKS (chanting):
One of us!
(electrical crackling,
bird squawks)
(moaning growls)
(bellows)
(moaning)
(gasps)
(electrical crackling)
(grunts)
(suspenseful music plays)
(birds cawing)
(yelling)
(gasps)
(grunting)
(whistle blows)
(shrieks)
(screams)
(gasps)
* The Simpsons 25x02 *
Treehouse of Horror XXIV
Original Air Date on October 6, 2013
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther and jasonnguyen2606
(yells)
(beeping)
(groans)
(singing opera)
(playing the blues)
(playing the blues)
(monster shrieking)
(bird caws)
(chuckles)
(all screaming)
(all moaning, shrieking)
(horn honking)
(panting)
(screams)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
(horn honking)
(yells)
(moaning)
(screaming)
(screaming fades,
clocks ticking)
(grunts, gasps)
(electrical zapping)
LISA: 'Twas Halloween night,
with the kids door-to-dooring,
and all over town the
blood sugar was soaring.
(doorbell rings)
Give me your candy!
LISA: But the Simpson abode
was deep down in the dumps,
'cause from little to bigger,
the kids had the mumps.
MARGE: Now, I'm off to a
party, my outfit is chic.
It's a Catwoman costume,
I'm sure is unique.
(dog howls)
Wait a second...
it's Halloween?
Just rest on the sofa,
I'll be home by 10:00.
- Can we have some candy?
- Just one M&M.
LISA: Then we heard
a loud crash.
- HOMER: D'oh!
- We were tempted to scat.
BART: And we looked
and we saw him...
LISA/BART: The Fat in the Hat!
I'll save Halloween for
you three grumpy tots.
Just stick out your rumps for
some mump-stumping shots!
(sighs)
Now hop on my cycle,
there's nothing to fear.
And we shall have candy...
and maybe some beer.
Huh?
You should not be here
when their mother's away!
And you should be dead,
you're so wrinkled and gray!
I'll give you the business,
you yellow sea cow!
This go-getting oldster will...
Where am I now?
(grunts)
We'll fix up this mix-up
in two minutes flat,
with the helpers I've hidden
right under my hat.
(kids exclaim)
I... uh, I knew there was
something I left off my list.
Without food, air and water,
they cease to exist.
(explosion)
I am the Borax. I
speak for the woods.
But I've plastered my
likeness on consumer goods.
HOMER:
Sellout!
Hey!
* Oh, the Fat in the Hat
doesn't care what moms say *
* The minute they leave
you, he'll take you away *
- (gasps)
- * His breakfast is dinner
* His dinner's dessert
* You might see his name
on an AMBER Alert! *
Trick or treat!
Who buzzed the buzzard?
Don't pester the rich.
I don't hand out candy,
you son of a Gritch.
BART: He pulled out bamfoozlers
and side-winding gizzles.
(explosion)
(laughing)
He laughed as he heard that
old codger's house-sizzles.
Let this be a lesson
to those who love cash,
that your nice stash of cash
could be gone in a flash.
And if you are awful
and nasty and cruel...
Enough with the lessons!
This isn't a school!
(neck cracks)
* Once a year we
are not hungry *
* Thanks to Christian charity.
(all gag)
(toilet flushing)
(snoring)
I don't got no candy,
I only serve beer.
And who said that you could
bring minors in here?
Your peanuts are pawed through,
your beer smells like skunk.
And you just pissed off
the wrong fat, furry drunk!
(gasps) Hey, hey, hey!
This is supposed to be
a children's story!
Go grab all his money
and vodka and gin.
And I'll knit a nice thnord
from his leathery skin.
Say, Mr. Hat, I don't
mean to complain,
but you promised us candy,
not mayhem and pain.
BART: The dude thought
a while, then said:
I know a man! With an overpriced store,
who'll give all that he can.
Take whatever you want.
I don't want any trouble.
Take Jims that are Slim,
and gum of the bubble.
I won't shoot you now, 'cause
I've found something cruel-ah,
an afternoon off with
eight kids and Manjula.
(bike bell rings, kids laughing)
(kids laughing)
APU: No...!
* Oh, the Fat in the Hat
* Has some anger issues
* And some highly unusual
political views *
* If he comes a-calling,
you'd better hide *
* 'Cause he's committing
aggravated floop-fluffle-cide! *
Don't forget me!
* Floop-fluffle-cide!
BART: We had to escape
from this behatted mammal.
LISA: So we hitched us a ride
on a three-hump gumbamel!
A gumbamel's a camel but
faster and humbler.
It doesn't take tips and
it's never a grumbler.
So if you must leave
in a kind of a scramble,
then jump on the hump
of a humble gumbamel.
BART: But if the gumbamel
should ramble, then stumble,
then just hop atop a
Krustiferous Krumbull.
But then if that Krumbull
should happen to tumble,
just call your amigo,
the bee man of bumble.
(exhales)
BEE MAN:
Ay-yi-yi!
LISA: We thought we'd escaped
from our psychotic guide...
but when we got home,
he was waiting inside!
I'm staying forever.
You're all stuck with that.
'Cause I'm your new daddy,
the Fat in the...
(screams)
I'm frightened of nothing,
not even hellfires.
Just don't let me ever
be played by Mike Myers.
(groans)
BART: Now please do not worry,
'cause we did okay.
Yes, kids will get candy,
whatever you say.
PILOT:
What the hell?!
(Bart laughs)
- Bart, isn't it dangerous to fly your
kite by an airport? - PILOT: Stupid kids!
Hey, if they get on an airbus, they
know they're taking their chances.
Kite at 2:00!
I don't know what that means,
I have a digital watch!
(pilots scream)
(both groan)
What's my wife's picture doing
on your control screen? Over.
Homina, homina, homina. Over.
(yawns)
(groans)
Nowhere to tie my kite...
and I forgot my scarf.
(gasps)
Bingo!
I'm seeing a 12-car pileup,
a naked rooftop cookout,
and... Oh, my God!
A box kite! (screams)
(sighs)
Well, at least it's
a beautiful night.
(grunts)
I'm alive! All patched up!
End of story.
Actually, there's a little more.
Ay, caramba!
I'm sorry. This was the only way
to lengthen Bart's life for a year
while shortening yours by 30.
I thought I was donating blood.
You are. Along with lymph, spinal fluid,
and all the trimmings. (chuckles)
But, Lisa, your brain is
still in complete control.
I could do what
I want to Bart's head?
Aw, geez. Strangle me out of this, Fatso.
Why you little...!
I'll teach you to
make medical history!
Oops.
Ah, all good.
D'oh!
(neck cracks)
(humming)
(spits)
Hey, boy, since you don't need a bedroom
anymore, I finally get my man cave.
* Man cave!
* Everyone's welcome
to my man cave! *
I assure you, we've spared no effort to
accommodate your special-needs student.
And... done.
So, in conclusion,
my show-and-tell is...
this!
Excellent, Lisa.
A-plus.
Bart, your turn.
Well, my show-and-tell is
that I'm on Lisa's body.
Derivative and repetitive!
F-minus.
- Aw!
- (giggles)
Bart, I expected more
from a fourth-grade head.
(gasps)
You're rotating it
in the wrong direction!
(both grunting)
That was gonna be
my show-and-tell!
Bart, Lisa, I'm afraid you two are
going to be together for a long time.
Why don't you try to say
something good about each other?
Well, she's pretty healthy for someone
who's been living with cooties.
Bart, aren't Lisa's ears clean?
Yeah. It's like looking
down a Canadian tunnel.
- What else?
- Well...
now I always have
someone to eat lunch with.
Great!
That's as much therapy
as your parents can afford.
I think we've made
some progress here.
Great...
Oh, and I have this "two
heads for one" coupon.
Well, that's for lettuce.
How about this one? "One random disorder
free with every schizophrenia."
That's mine, but it's expired.
D'oh!
(playing "When the
Saints Go Marching In")
Should've chopped off
Bart's head long ago.
Sleep well, Lis. Somehow, sewing my head on
your shoulder brought us closer together.
Rainbow...
oh, Rainbow...
Oh... not the pony dream again.
(gasps)
Hey, I did that.
Yep, that's me.
When she's asleep, I'm in control.
Lis, I'm gonna make
sure you stay asleep.
(laughs evilly)
Ooh, mix-ins!
Mmm.
(snores)
(falls down stairs,
grunts, shouts)
Son of a...
(grunts)
(snoring)
(engine sputters, dies)
You start a car as well
as you start a family.
You wait here while I go
get the jumper cables.
MRS. SKINNER:
Oh, a panic attack, huh?
Well, I'll give you
something to panic about!
(grunting)
(groans)
Now I'll just cut off her annoying
head and this body will be all mine.
Or we both die.
Not really sure
what the rules are.
(gasps)
Why, Bart?
I thought we were friends.
A brother can never
be friends with his sister.
- Are you really, really sure?
- I'm afraid I am.
Well, then, I guess
I have no choice.
(yells)
How could this go wrong?
'Cause in a head-to-head battle,
the one with the most brains wins!
(groans)
(groans)
Well, wherever I am,
it's gotta be an improvement.
Guess again.
(moans)
Now I can always
sing karaoke duets.
- * Mock...
- Yeah.
- * Ing...
- Yeah.
I feel your pain, brother.
Now, I need you to memorize these
10,000 setups by next week.
Help me, Doctor.
So this is what successful
post-op looks like.
(circus music plays)
BURNSUM: Step right up.
Step right up, only two bits!
(snickering)
(slurps, growls)
Thrill as...
Thrill as Marguerite
conquers the air!
(cheering)
Laugh at the clown's buffoonery!
Seriously, folks, I really think
we should stop this Hitler guy.
(laughing)
Disbelieve, as the Strong Man pulls
a wagon with his bare tongue!
* This is the song that
you hear at the circus *
* Sung by a guy that you
see at the circus *
(muffled):
* Do-do-do, do-do-do
* Do-do-do...
D'oh!
Or gape in terror at Almighty
God's whoopsy-daisies...
the Freaks!
(crowd exclaims)
The Human Donkey.
Hee-haw!
The Terrifying Callback.
- * Mock
- Yeah.
- * Ing...
- Yeah.
Creatures from another galaxy!
Actually, it's more
of a globular cluster.
Not the dark, not the dark!
Ah!
And now... I must ask that
small children leave,
good women avert their eyes, and men
take a stiff slug of circus whiskey.
Behold, the most hideous
creature of all.
- How ya doin'?
- (audience screams)
So, uh, anyone here
from New Jersey?
I'm goin' there next week.
(screams)
(humming)
(humming continues)
Whoa!
(grunting)
(humming)
- Hey, torso! What's with the cookies?
- Huh?
Even the human snail
would've been done by now.
I am so sick and tired of people assuming
that the human snail is, in some way, slow.
Good day!
(grunts)
All of you! Get back out there with your
flippers flapping, and your stumps a-stumping!
Joe and Jane Normal expect some
entertainment for their nickel!
Mr. Burnsum! You should treat
these poor people with respect!
Marge! Get away
from those freaks.
You belong to me!
The dumb, hairless brute.
Well, you are the best
this circus has to offer.
(laughing)
Taste the strength
of your fianc?.
Ooh!
Ooh...
With the mighty tongue
God's given you,
why can't you speak kindly
of these imperfect angels?
Marge, they knew what
they were getting into
when their parents sold
them to the circus.
Enough! You will comport yourself with the
dignity expected of a traveling freak show.
(grunts)
Excuse me, ma'am, but, uh, I ain't
never seen a normal stand up for us.
(sighs)
I, too, am a freak.
One eye is blue,
and the other a pale brown.
I wouldn't want to be you, lady.
Never give up hope, my friends.
Of all the kisses I have ever gotten
in my life, that was the first.
Hey, you should
ask her out, Moe.
Ah, but she's sweet
on the strong man.
You're fine unless Rabbit Ears
hears and tells Big Mouth.
(whispering)
Wha...?!
I ain't got no chance with
the strong man's girl.
He makes ten dollars a week plus
all the sawdust he can eat.
Well, you've got an emerald ring.
My mother's ring.
(sobs)
She gave it to me
on her deathbed.
She also acquired it
on her deathbed.
That was a very busy deathbed.
With an emerald that big,
I could buy anything.
A jalopy, an icebox, a steamer
trunk full of fedoras!
But how do I get my hands on it?
Oh, I'm an idiot! Of course!
I get Marge to marry Moe, then I
kill Moe, then she gets the ring,
then I marry her
and the ring is mine.
And the brilliance of my
plan is its simplicity.
You're gonna be sorry
you said that.
You're gonna be sorry
you said that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...
I just lost my keys!
Whoa-whoa-whoa...
What do you know?
I am gathering moss!
(owl hoots)
Hey, Marge, you want
to marry Moe?
I'm engaged to you, my love.
- The poor, lonely fellow is about to die.
- Really? How?
Well, let me worry about how.
But you know, you could make
his last day a happy one.
And the ring is just
the icing on the cake.
- What ring?
- The ring that'll get me out of this lousy circus
and into a good circus.
Now, let's get you married.
But wouldn't you
be jealous, my love?
(laughs)
Dear, I am not the jealous type.
And from you, I have learned to feel
compassion for these disgustos.
Aw...
(solemnly):
* She's a superfreak
* Superfreak
* She's superfreaky
* Yow.
"Yow" indeed.
And so, with the conclusion of
our traditional wedding song,
I now declare you
husband and wife.
Moe, whatever small time together
we have will be wonderful.
(laughs)
A very small time!
Those are strange
things to say,
but a wedding is no place to worry about
threats from the bride's former lover.
Now, the toast.
To you, Marge.
Now you are one of us.
FREAKS (chanting):
One of us! Gooble goo!
One of us! Gooble goo!
Why is it company parties
always get weird?
(cork pops)
God, you are so beautiful
in that peignoir there.
I, uh, better freshen
up a little bit.
(humming)
Set it to "massage," Jumbo.
(humming)
Hmm? What are you doing?
Oh! Trying to kill Moe so
we'll get his emerald!
By the way, I haven't checked,
but emeralds are valuable, right?
(gasps)
Strong Man!
Moe may be ugly on the outside,
but inside, you are the true monster.
Leave my trailer forever!
You're rejecting me?
But I'm in the best shape
anyone is in the 1930s.
I said go!
(whimpers)
(chanting): One of us! Gooble goo!
One of us! Gooble goo!
What the hell does
"gooble goo" mean?
(chanting): We don't know! Gooble goo!
We don't know! Gooble goo!
(gasps)
You killed Burnsum!
Now who is gonna say,
"Step right up"?
FREAKS:
Gooble goo! Gooble goo!
Tar and feather him!
Tear off his drumsticks!
Make him... one of us!
FREAKS (chanting):
One of us!
- One of us!
- This is exactly why circus attendance is plummeting!
And that, kids, is how
I met your mother.
(How I Met Your Mother
theme music playing)
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther and jasonnguyen2606
FREAKS (chanting):
One of us!