The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 25, Episode 17 - Luca$ - full transcript
Marge becomes worried when Lisa starts dating a competitive eater-in-training, while Bart receives gifts from Snake Jailbird for helping him out.
(crow squawks)
(the simpsons' theme
playing in 8-bit audio)
(crackling)
Yeah, how ya doin'?
(explosion thunders)
(snoring loudly)
(tires screech, horn honks)
H-hey, what?
Oh! Oh, cleats!
(sighs)
homie, what happened?
Uh... Maybe
some easy-listening music
Will make you feel better
about the story.
Turn on 89.9.
(marge grumbles)
(easy listening music playing)
Like most of my problems,
it all started at moe's...
Carl:
All right, so the rules are
Every time the news
guy says "senator,"
We got to take a drink.
Huh. It'll be nice
to let someone else decide
When I drink--
too much pressure.
(news theme playing)
(quietly):
Uh, yeah, channel six tip line?
I just caught two senators
doin' it in the alley.
And me?
I'm just a reliable source.
Not "sauce," "source."
Source! S-a-u-r-c-e!
We have heard
from a very reliable sauce
News involving
multiple senators.
I'm going to read a list
of senators,
With possibly more senators
to be named later
By other senators:
Senator abercrombie,
Senator billingsley,
senator beaumont...
(snickers)
Hmm? Oh, damn,
the plaster's flaking again.
Homer: Once intoxicated,
we had a great idea.
Hey! Swings!
(laughing):
I'm a kid again!
(laughing)
Oh... Gah...
I'll save you!
(grunts)
(grunting)
Oh, the only way out is in!
Hey, look at me!
I'm going up a slide!
Both (chanting): Homer! Homer!
Best recess ever!
(shouts)
(clang)
Whoa.
(gasps)
Help me, guys! Guys?
(grunting)
Don't worry, homer,
I'll call the cops!
I'll write
my senator.
Senator!
Senator!
Oh, am I gonna die
on a playground,
Like some uncoordinated child?
But I did learn something
from all this:
The sprinklers in this park
come on at 3:00 a.M.
Hey, thanks for
throwing the ball back.
Really.
(sighs)
I'll come back
with the fire truck.
I just have to get the kids
to school first.
Oh, are the kids with you?
Lisa:
Hi, dad.
Bart: Homer.
Hey, guys! Why are you
ducked-down like that?
Bart: Don't want to be seen with
you when you're hitting bottom.
Lisa: At least
we hope it's bottom.
Don't worry,
it's bottom, all right.
(grunts)
(marge groans)
Bart:
And that's why
I was tardy today.
And with that tardiness,
you have at last crossed
The boundary where I can legally
apply physical discipline.
Willie,
cut me a switch!
What about the one
your ma used on you?
It, uh, broke on my buttocks.
Serves you right for eating jam
straight out of the jar.
Damn it! That's not
even a swivel chair.
Skate, skate
as fast as you can.
But I'll catch you--
I'm the principal man!
That's the kind of education
you're missing.
(car backfiring)
Oh, no. Uphill.
The one place my car can't go.
(gears grinding)
(steam hissing)
Uh, would you like a quote?
Uh, yes.
"some cause happiness
wherever they go;
Others whenever they go."
oscar wilde.
Uh, p.S.
Your car is totaled.
Whew! Safe.
Jailbird:
Oh, not totally.
Whoa!
What-what are you doing in here?
Hiding from the cops.
Well, I can't have cops
sniffing around here.
Some of them might be girls.
Can't I just stay a little?
I only committed this robbery
to help my kid.
See, this is jeremy.
I need to get him braces.
I always thought
that if I'd had braces,
I'd have smiled more.
Hey, I bet
you have a great smile.
Huh?
Ay, caramba!
Bart, bart, we're in
whatchamacallit...
A pursuit!
So why'd you come here?
I run a respectable tree house.
Just wondering
if you've seen anything.
Uh, word is you'll, uh...
You'll snitch for candy.
You can't buy me with
a candy bar that has coconut.
Then maybe this is more your...
Neighborhood.
Nice real estate.
You got a deal.
So, what do you know?
I saw a guy with a gun
and a snake tattoo...
Say he was gonna hide out
on top of mount springfield.
Mount springfield, eh?
Strap on your crampons, boys!
Eddie! Prepare my litter!
Lou, you are responsible
For my oxygen, food, water
and cleaning!
You have to clean me.
I clean you. Yeah.
Dude, thank you.
Why did you save me?
We outlaws have
to stick together.
Outlaw? You?
Stolen bowling shoes,
3-d glasses, krusty standee
And this "cage" for my pet.
Oh. What do you feed him?
My a.D.D. Meds.
(trilling)
(chuckles)
um, listen,
Would you like two tickets
to the school musical?
My son plays the butcher.
In fiddler on the roof.
I'm busy that night.
Yeah, lucky you.
(indistinct chatter)
(grunting)
Huh?
(gagging)
(gasps)
are you okay?
Don't put more
in there!
(choking):
Going for the record.
(choking)
what record?
Stupidest death?
Aah!
(grunting)
Blagh!
Merci beaucoup!
Oh, well, you're very wel...
That's french
for "hello."
Actually, I think it...
Lucas bortner,
competitive eater.
A fat kid with a dream?
I can't compete with that.
What does
a competitive eater eat?
All the glamour foods: Pizza,
boiled eggs, chicken wings
And the big enchilada, which
is not enchiladas but hot dogs.
69 hot dogs
is the current record.
As the great kobayashi says,
"detekurutoki itaiyo."
What does that mean?
"that's gonna hurt coming out."
Is kobayashi
the number one, um, uh...
The correct term
is "gurgitator."
I won't be using
the correct term then.
Virtually everyone uses
his technique: Japanesing.
Shall I demonstrate?
Um, why don't I just go sit
alone... Oh, you're doing it.
Ready, set...
Japanese!
(choking)
(grunting, groaning)
That's not going down.
(gagging)
This happens
from time to time.
Maybe this isn't
the sport for you.
It's not a sport.
It's my life.
Aw, he's sweet.
(chuckles)
what am I doing?
He's just ralph with a dream.
The dream of not ralphing.
But I'm sure I could
totally change and fix him.
Can I join you
for lunch?
Um, sure.
How many whole pizzas
would you like?
Um, can I just have a slice?
Interesting technique.
(chuckles)
Bart:
Whoa.
You didn't tell me you
had a playstadium 4!
It's the first
I've seen it.
Something's fishy, bart.
Where's the gift receipt?
Where's the packet of desiccant
that says "do not eat"?
And, believe me, you shouldn't.
I have a feeling this
playstadium was liberated
From its previous owner and
given to me in gratitude.
Liberated?
You mean "stolen"?
You can't spell "crime"
without "me."
C-r-I...
(gasps)
There it is,
at the end!
(doorbell rings)
Oh, hi. Is-is lisa home?
Yes, she is.
And who are you?
Lucas.
It's pronounced
"luca-dollar."
That's my competition name.
I'm a competitive eater.
Homer:
Competitive eater?
Did I hear right?
I could be a competitive eater?
No! You didn't hear anything!
Yes, I did! I heard
"competitive eater"!
It's for people
who haven't had heart problems.
Then that makes me the
jackie robinson of the sport,
And you are the racist
philadelphia manager.
Quit comparing me
to ben chapman.
I will when you open
your mind to change!
Oh...!
So, what should we practice:
Um, vienna sausage;
Blueberry pie, short form;
Oatmeal, long course;
Freestyle baked beans;
catfish-- ooh!
Cow brains.
Beans, beans!
We'll do beans.
Hmm. Never saw the pork
eat the beans before.
(both laugh)
Actually, I'm a little surprised
lisa likes him.
Really!
Justin blobber over there
Doesn't remind
you of anyone?
$800 to cut me out
of that slide?!
It's all about the money
with those firemen.
Women marry
their fathers, marge.
So you just might be meeting
your future "ton-in-law."
(both laughing)
Ton-in-law.
God bless us.
(gasps)
you can do better.
(homer snoring)
marge:
My sisters are nuts.
I'm happy being married
to homer.
Most of the time.
(groans)
(barking)
Ooh! What the...?
(sighs)
(rossini's "the thieving magpie"
playing)
? ?
(slurps)
(yelling)
Meep, meep!
(descending whistle)
(gunshot)
Hmm...
Maybe you're not cut out
for competitive eating.
Are you calling me not fat?
No, I'm just... I...
Maybe you just haven't
found the right food, huh?
How 'bout ice cream?
Yes!
I will lay some hurt
on that cream.
Oh, my god! Brain freeze!
Oh, my god.
Kick me in the head
till I pass out.
Harder! I'm still conscious!
You must kick me harder.
Okay, honey, I made you pork
chops just like you like 'em.
Twenty.
Thanks, babe.
Sorry you had to drop out of
college to feed me full-time.
Now give us a kiss.
(lisa screaming)
(gasps deeply)
What the...?
Oh, yawn.
Another freebie.
Better be a 64 gig.
Huh? It's full of lame apps:
Bully avoider,
nosebook, insta-grandma.
This was stolen from milhouse!
From my backpack.
Where puppy goo-goo sleeps.
Maybe it's time to tell me
exactly what's going on.
Relax.
Listen to the music
of this bubble game.
(gentle music plays)
So peaceful.
No! I won't let this go!
It's time you told me how you've
been getting all this stuff.
(sighs)
I helped snake out of a jam so
he paid me back in stolen stuff.
It was an honorable arrangement.
But I never thought
he'd steal from you.
Snake, eh?
I never would've suspected
The one criminal in town.
(chuckles)
You seem stressed.
You want to suck some squishee?
Sure.
(whooshing)
Mmm!
Careful.
It's uncut syrup.
They give it to horses
before they race.
(sucking, slurping)
Brockman:
Jailbird, aka snake.
That's his real name.
Albert knickerbocker
aloysius snake--
Has been arrested for a series
of thefts and may be
Put to death under
a controversial new statute.
(gasps)
Yeah, we had
a law stating
"three strikes
and you're out."
But I thought it
was "you're out."
So I let people go.
So now it's
"four balls and you walk.
Right to the
electric chair."
It's, uh, much
clearer, kent.
Bart, I'm so sorry.
I just wanted to ruin
his life, not end it.
You ratted him out?
(groans)
he's got a kid.
A kid?!
I was crushed
when I lost my dad
And all he did was move
to the holiday inn.
I can still see him smoking
On the balcony.
He looked like
he missed something.
Maybe me.
So you see,
we can't let jailbird fry.
Time for the
sleepover detectives.
I didn't say
there'd be a sleepover.
Too bad, 'cause I'm wearing
my pajamas under my clothes.
And my swimsuit
under those.
One day it'll all pay off.
(homer humming jauntily)
Oh! There's my magazine.
Why, look at this.
"what every father should do
for his daughter."
Oh, marge, if you want me
to do something, just tell me.
Don't hide behind a magazine.
Right. Right, right, right.
According to judy kleinsmith,
A professional freelance writer,
Fathers should take
their daughters out on little
Dinner dates and treat them
like a gentleman would.
Then she'll expect the same
from the men in her future.
Wait, let me
get this straight:
Sit and eat?
That's my punishment?
It's not a punishment.
But you can't just eat dinner.
You have to be gentlemanly
and attentive.
Oh, I can fake attentive.
I've been watching a football
game this whole discussion.
Not fake attentive.
Real attentive.
Okay, okay.
I'll make it fun.
I'll take her
to that crab place.
All the crabs
you could smash.
You know lisa's
a vegetarian.
She can smash a salad.
No. Homer, you can't just do
the things you want to do.
You have to act like someone
you'd want lisa to marry.
If you just act like yourself,
she might just...
Um...
Oh, you know... Um...
She might marry
someone like me?
You think that would be bad.
Homie, I love you.
But you can be
a challenge,
Like doing the
daily jumble.
Marge, you are comparing me
To the most infuriating thing
in the newspaper!
Well, I was
just trying to...
Oh...
I'm sleeping on
Flanders' couch tonight.
Ours is crap.
(door shuts)
So marge says I gotta
ask lisa on a date.
Sure you remember how
to ask out a girl, homer?
Yeah, you've been out of
the game a long time there.
Guys, lay off homer.
Now you quit stalling
And call your
daughter like a man.
Oh... It feels weird.
Just ask your daughter
to have dinner with you.
What is the big deal?
Ah, he's doing it!
He's calling a girl.
Oh, my god, oh, my god,
oh, my god...
(line ringing)
Oh, it's ringing.
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Lisa:
Hello?
Uh, hello. Lisa?
I know your brother and...
Oh!
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Calm down, calm down.
She doesn't know it's you.
(phone ringing)
Ah! Hide! Hide!
(moe sighs)
Uh, hello?
Oh, sure, lisa, uh,
your dad's right here.
Dad?
Did you just call?
Uh, yeah.
Hey, listen, your mom thinks
That maybe you and I
Should have dinner together
sometime.
Just the two of us?
Ah, yeah, I knew
you'd think it's dumb.
I'd love that.
See you tonight.
(whoops)
I got a date
with my daughter!
Yeah, we all
been there.
No need to act
like you just
Invented air conditioning.
So, you see, chief,
Snake wasn't stealing
that stuff out of greed.
He was stealing it
to thank me.
Plea denied.
Warm up the electric
chair, lou.
You're not done yet?
The instructions
are in swedish, chief.
We got this from ikillya.
Yo, I totally
speak swedish.
Fluently?
Um, ja.
Uh, do what he says, lou.
But chief...
But-but-but.
Quit arguing and give
him the little wrench.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Let him out, lou.
Let him out.
But chief, we got guns;
he's got a little wrench.
It's cold!
Y... Oh...
(sighs, groans)
All right.
(wiggum whimpers, groans)
Thanks for coming down, bart.
You won't need
to save me a third time.
You're going straight?
If I get caught,
it's suicide by cop.
Oh, I don't like
the sound of that.
It means I get you
to shoot me, dude.
Yeah, still sounds like
a lot of paperwork.
Hair volumizer?!
Cologne?!
Hello, marjorie.
Homie.
You look like
an nba coach.
Yes, well, it's
a special evening
And I thought it best
not to look like a monkey.
Mm!
Don't worry.
I won't embarrass you.
I will put
my napkin in my lap,
I will use the utensils
provided for me,
And if I our food
is slow in coming,
I will "blow my stack"
in a manner
Befitting the earl
of yarborough.
All right,
you've made your point.
Hey, I can't screw this up
Or lisa will get stuck
with someone like me.
Homie, I don't have
a problem with you.
Except your buttons
are off one.
Actually, this is
a collar button, see?
It goes like this...
Tuh! Is there no end
to your fault-finding?
Maggie, help me
with this shirt.
(groans)
(homer and lisa laughing)
So mr. Burns
never realized
It was maggie
who saved the plant?
Nope.
Now, how's that drink?
Can I temple up
that shirley?
Oh, I'm fine.
(giggles)
Well, have we decided?
Uh, yeah, help me out here.
What is the normal amount
Of entrees per person?
Eh, one, sir.
I mean for adults.
One.
No, I mean for
adult males.
Yes.
I repeat, eh, one.
All right,
I'll have the lasagna.
All right.
Meat or vegetarian?
Oh, uh... Oh...
Vegetarian.
(quietly): Can the red
sauce be cow blood?
We'll see what
we can do.
Is that mom?
Homer, can you come
with me for a minute?
Marge, please,
control your jealousy.
This is your daughter.
We need to have
a conversation
In loud whispers.
Uh, excuse me, lisa.
A friend from high school.
Homie, I felt terrible
When you said I felt
stuck with you.
But then I realized:
I am stuck with you.
I couldn't stop loving you
if I tried.
I'm sorry, that's all very nice.
But I can't forget
what you said.
I know, homie.
I know you well
enough to know
You're not ready
to forgive me yet.
But I also know
you well enough
To know that
this will work.
Where'd you get
that dress?
Remember that
sewing machine
You say I
never use?
Well, I sold it and
bought this dress.
Wow...
Wow, that looks just like
The dress you wore
on project runway.
Shush-shush-shush.
Oh, right.
I mean, this looks like a dress
From a local springfield store.
All is forgiven.
Let's have dinner.
(clears throat)
Dad, I believe
we were on a date?
Oh, of course.
You're right, honey.
I'll just, um...
I'll park it at the bar.
Well, hello.
And your lasagna
with cow blood, sir.
Thanks, frenchy.
I'm not french,
I'm just pissy.
Lucas.
You're not competitive
eating anymore?
No.
I realized that
was unrealistic.
Well, that's a relief.
My new goal is to become
whatever adele is.
Just call me pound-uca-dollar.
(chuckles)
What if I just taught
you how to whistle?
You know how to whistle?
Like with your mouth?
(whistles)
(blows air)
Hey, I'm doing it!
(blowing air)
I sound just like a bird!
(whistling theme song)
Shh!
(the simpsons' theme
playing in 8-bit audio)
(crackling)
Yeah, how ya doin'?
(explosion thunders)
(snoring loudly)
(tires screech, horn honks)
H-hey, what?
Oh! Oh, cleats!
(sighs)
homie, what happened?
Uh... Maybe
some easy-listening music
Will make you feel better
about the story.
Turn on 89.9.
(marge grumbles)
(easy listening music playing)
Like most of my problems,
it all started at moe's...
Carl:
All right, so the rules are
Every time the news
guy says "senator,"
We got to take a drink.
Huh. It'll be nice
to let someone else decide
When I drink--
too much pressure.
(news theme playing)
(quietly):
Uh, yeah, channel six tip line?
I just caught two senators
doin' it in the alley.
And me?
I'm just a reliable source.
Not "sauce," "source."
Source! S-a-u-r-c-e!
We have heard
from a very reliable sauce
News involving
multiple senators.
I'm going to read a list
of senators,
With possibly more senators
to be named later
By other senators:
Senator abercrombie,
Senator billingsley,
senator beaumont...
(snickers)
Hmm? Oh, damn,
the plaster's flaking again.
Homer: Once intoxicated,
we had a great idea.
Hey! Swings!
(laughing):
I'm a kid again!
(laughing)
Oh... Gah...
I'll save you!
(grunts)
(grunting)
Oh, the only way out is in!
Hey, look at me!
I'm going up a slide!
Both (chanting): Homer! Homer!
Best recess ever!
(shouts)
(clang)
Whoa.
(gasps)
Help me, guys! Guys?
(grunting)
Don't worry, homer,
I'll call the cops!
I'll write
my senator.
Senator!
Senator!
Oh, am I gonna die
on a playground,
Like some uncoordinated child?
But I did learn something
from all this:
The sprinklers in this park
come on at 3:00 a.M.
Hey, thanks for
throwing the ball back.
Really.
(sighs)
I'll come back
with the fire truck.
I just have to get the kids
to school first.
Oh, are the kids with you?
Lisa:
Hi, dad.
Bart: Homer.
Hey, guys! Why are you
ducked-down like that?
Bart: Don't want to be seen with
you when you're hitting bottom.
Lisa: At least
we hope it's bottom.
Don't worry,
it's bottom, all right.
(grunts)
(marge groans)
Bart:
And that's why
I was tardy today.
And with that tardiness,
you have at last crossed
The boundary where I can legally
apply physical discipline.
Willie,
cut me a switch!
What about the one
your ma used on you?
It, uh, broke on my buttocks.
Serves you right for eating jam
straight out of the jar.
Damn it! That's not
even a swivel chair.
Skate, skate
as fast as you can.
But I'll catch you--
I'm the principal man!
That's the kind of education
you're missing.
(car backfiring)
Oh, no. Uphill.
The one place my car can't go.
(gears grinding)
(steam hissing)
Uh, would you like a quote?
Uh, yes.
"some cause happiness
wherever they go;
Others whenever they go."
oscar wilde.
Uh, p.S.
Your car is totaled.
Whew! Safe.
Jailbird:
Oh, not totally.
Whoa!
What-what are you doing in here?
Hiding from the cops.
Well, I can't have cops
sniffing around here.
Some of them might be girls.
Can't I just stay a little?
I only committed this robbery
to help my kid.
See, this is jeremy.
I need to get him braces.
I always thought
that if I'd had braces,
I'd have smiled more.
Hey, I bet
you have a great smile.
Huh?
Ay, caramba!
Bart, bart, we're in
whatchamacallit...
A pursuit!
So why'd you come here?
I run a respectable tree house.
Just wondering
if you've seen anything.
Uh, word is you'll, uh...
You'll snitch for candy.
You can't buy me with
a candy bar that has coconut.
Then maybe this is more your...
Neighborhood.
Nice real estate.
You got a deal.
So, what do you know?
I saw a guy with a gun
and a snake tattoo...
Say he was gonna hide out
on top of mount springfield.
Mount springfield, eh?
Strap on your crampons, boys!
Eddie! Prepare my litter!
Lou, you are responsible
For my oxygen, food, water
and cleaning!
You have to clean me.
I clean you. Yeah.
Dude, thank you.
Why did you save me?
We outlaws have
to stick together.
Outlaw? You?
Stolen bowling shoes,
3-d glasses, krusty standee
And this "cage" for my pet.
Oh. What do you feed him?
My a.D.D. Meds.
(trilling)
(chuckles)
um, listen,
Would you like two tickets
to the school musical?
My son plays the butcher.
In fiddler on the roof.
I'm busy that night.
Yeah, lucky you.
(indistinct chatter)
(grunting)
Huh?
(gagging)
(gasps)
are you okay?
Don't put more
in there!
(choking):
Going for the record.
(choking)
what record?
Stupidest death?
Aah!
(grunting)
Blagh!
Merci beaucoup!
Oh, well, you're very wel...
That's french
for "hello."
Actually, I think it...
Lucas bortner,
competitive eater.
A fat kid with a dream?
I can't compete with that.
What does
a competitive eater eat?
All the glamour foods: Pizza,
boiled eggs, chicken wings
And the big enchilada, which
is not enchiladas but hot dogs.
69 hot dogs
is the current record.
As the great kobayashi says,
"detekurutoki itaiyo."
What does that mean?
"that's gonna hurt coming out."
Is kobayashi
the number one, um, uh...
The correct term
is "gurgitator."
I won't be using
the correct term then.
Virtually everyone uses
his technique: Japanesing.
Shall I demonstrate?
Um, why don't I just go sit
alone... Oh, you're doing it.
Ready, set...
Japanese!
(choking)
(grunting, groaning)
That's not going down.
(gagging)
This happens
from time to time.
Maybe this isn't
the sport for you.
It's not a sport.
It's my life.
Aw, he's sweet.
(chuckles)
what am I doing?
He's just ralph with a dream.
The dream of not ralphing.
But I'm sure I could
totally change and fix him.
Can I join you
for lunch?
Um, sure.
How many whole pizzas
would you like?
Um, can I just have a slice?
Interesting technique.
(chuckles)
Bart:
Whoa.
You didn't tell me you
had a playstadium 4!
It's the first
I've seen it.
Something's fishy, bart.
Where's the gift receipt?
Where's the packet of desiccant
that says "do not eat"?
And, believe me, you shouldn't.
I have a feeling this
playstadium was liberated
From its previous owner and
given to me in gratitude.
Liberated?
You mean "stolen"?
You can't spell "crime"
without "me."
C-r-I...
(gasps)
There it is,
at the end!
(doorbell rings)
Oh, hi. Is-is lisa home?
Yes, she is.
And who are you?
Lucas.
It's pronounced
"luca-dollar."
That's my competition name.
I'm a competitive eater.
Homer:
Competitive eater?
Did I hear right?
I could be a competitive eater?
No! You didn't hear anything!
Yes, I did! I heard
"competitive eater"!
It's for people
who haven't had heart problems.
Then that makes me the
jackie robinson of the sport,
And you are the racist
philadelphia manager.
Quit comparing me
to ben chapman.
I will when you open
your mind to change!
Oh...!
So, what should we practice:
Um, vienna sausage;
Blueberry pie, short form;
Oatmeal, long course;
Freestyle baked beans;
catfish-- ooh!
Cow brains.
Beans, beans!
We'll do beans.
Hmm. Never saw the pork
eat the beans before.
(both laugh)
Actually, I'm a little surprised
lisa likes him.
Really!
Justin blobber over there
Doesn't remind
you of anyone?
$800 to cut me out
of that slide?!
It's all about the money
with those firemen.
Women marry
their fathers, marge.
So you just might be meeting
your future "ton-in-law."
(both laughing)
Ton-in-law.
God bless us.
(gasps)
you can do better.
(homer snoring)
marge:
My sisters are nuts.
I'm happy being married
to homer.
Most of the time.
(groans)
(barking)
Ooh! What the...?
(sighs)
(rossini's "the thieving magpie"
playing)
? ?
(slurps)
(yelling)
Meep, meep!
(descending whistle)
(gunshot)
Hmm...
Maybe you're not cut out
for competitive eating.
Are you calling me not fat?
No, I'm just... I...
Maybe you just haven't
found the right food, huh?
How 'bout ice cream?
Yes!
I will lay some hurt
on that cream.
Oh, my god! Brain freeze!
Oh, my god.
Kick me in the head
till I pass out.
Harder! I'm still conscious!
You must kick me harder.
Okay, honey, I made you pork
chops just like you like 'em.
Twenty.
Thanks, babe.
Sorry you had to drop out of
college to feed me full-time.
Now give us a kiss.
(lisa screaming)
(gasps deeply)
What the...?
Oh, yawn.
Another freebie.
Better be a 64 gig.
Huh? It's full of lame apps:
Bully avoider,
nosebook, insta-grandma.
This was stolen from milhouse!
From my backpack.
Where puppy goo-goo sleeps.
Maybe it's time to tell me
exactly what's going on.
Relax.
Listen to the music
of this bubble game.
(gentle music plays)
So peaceful.
No! I won't let this go!
It's time you told me how you've
been getting all this stuff.
(sighs)
I helped snake out of a jam so
he paid me back in stolen stuff.
It was an honorable arrangement.
But I never thought
he'd steal from you.
Snake, eh?
I never would've suspected
The one criminal in town.
(chuckles)
You seem stressed.
You want to suck some squishee?
Sure.
(whooshing)
Mmm!
Careful.
It's uncut syrup.
They give it to horses
before they race.
(sucking, slurping)
Brockman:
Jailbird, aka snake.
That's his real name.
Albert knickerbocker
aloysius snake--
Has been arrested for a series
of thefts and may be
Put to death under
a controversial new statute.
(gasps)
Yeah, we had
a law stating
"three strikes
and you're out."
But I thought it
was "you're out."
So I let people go.
So now it's
"four balls and you walk.
Right to the
electric chair."
It's, uh, much
clearer, kent.
Bart, I'm so sorry.
I just wanted to ruin
his life, not end it.
You ratted him out?
(groans)
he's got a kid.
A kid?!
I was crushed
when I lost my dad
And all he did was move
to the holiday inn.
I can still see him smoking
On the balcony.
He looked like
he missed something.
Maybe me.
So you see,
we can't let jailbird fry.
Time for the
sleepover detectives.
I didn't say
there'd be a sleepover.
Too bad, 'cause I'm wearing
my pajamas under my clothes.
And my swimsuit
under those.
One day it'll all pay off.
(homer humming jauntily)
Oh! There's my magazine.
Why, look at this.
"what every father should do
for his daughter."
Oh, marge, if you want me
to do something, just tell me.
Don't hide behind a magazine.
Right. Right, right, right.
According to judy kleinsmith,
A professional freelance writer,
Fathers should take
their daughters out on little
Dinner dates and treat them
like a gentleman would.
Then she'll expect the same
from the men in her future.
Wait, let me
get this straight:
Sit and eat?
That's my punishment?
It's not a punishment.
But you can't just eat dinner.
You have to be gentlemanly
and attentive.
Oh, I can fake attentive.
I've been watching a football
game this whole discussion.
Not fake attentive.
Real attentive.
Okay, okay.
I'll make it fun.
I'll take her
to that crab place.
All the crabs
you could smash.
You know lisa's
a vegetarian.
She can smash a salad.
No. Homer, you can't just do
the things you want to do.
You have to act like someone
you'd want lisa to marry.
If you just act like yourself,
she might just...
Um...
Oh, you know... Um...
She might marry
someone like me?
You think that would be bad.
Homie, I love you.
But you can be
a challenge,
Like doing the
daily jumble.
Marge, you are comparing me
To the most infuriating thing
in the newspaper!
Well, I was
just trying to...
Oh...
I'm sleeping on
Flanders' couch tonight.
Ours is crap.
(door shuts)
So marge says I gotta
ask lisa on a date.
Sure you remember how
to ask out a girl, homer?
Yeah, you've been out of
the game a long time there.
Guys, lay off homer.
Now you quit stalling
And call your
daughter like a man.
Oh... It feels weird.
Just ask your daughter
to have dinner with you.
What is the big deal?
Ah, he's doing it!
He's calling a girl.
Oh, my god, oh, my god,
oh, my god...
(line ringing)
Oh, it's ringing.
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Lisa:
Hello?
Uh, hello. Lisa?
I know your brother and...
Oh!
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Calm down, calm down.
She doesn't know it's you.
(phone ringing)
Ah! Hide! Hide!
(moe sighs)
Uh, hello?
Oh, sure, lisa, uh,
your dad's right here.
Dad?
Did you just call?
Uh, yeah.
Hey, listen, your mom thinks
That maybe you and I
Should have dinner together
sometime.
Just the two of us?
Ah, yeah, I knew
you'd think it's dumb.
I'd love that.
See you tonight.
(whoops)
I got a date
with my daughter!
Yeah, we all
been there.
No need to act
like you just
Invented air conditioning.
So, you see, chief,
Snake wasn't stealing
that stuff out of greed.
He was stealing it
to thank me.
Plea denied.
Warm up the electric
chair, lou.
You're not done yet?
The instructions
are in swedish, chief.
We got this from ikillya.
Yo, I totally
speak swedish.
Fluently?
Um, ja.
Uh, do what he says, lou.
But chief...
But-but-but.
Quit arguing and give
him the little wrench.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Let him out, lou.
Let him out.
But chief, we got guns;
he's got a little wrench.
It's cold!
Y... Oh...
(sighs, groans)
All right.
(wiggum whimpers, groans)
Thanks for coming down, bart.
You won't need
to save me a third time.
You're going straight?
If I get caught,
it's suicide by cop.
Oh, I don't like
the sound of that.
It means I get you
to shoot me, dude.
Yeah, still sounds like
a lot of paperwork.
Hair volumizer?!
Cologne?!
Hello, marjorie.
Homie.
You look like
an nba coach.
Yes, well, it's
a special evening
And I thought it best
not to look like a monkey.
Mm!
Don't worry.
I won't embarrass you.
I will put
my napkin in my lap,
I will use the utensils
provided for me,
And if I our food
is slow in coming,
I will "blow my stack"
in a manner
Befitting the earl
of yarborough.
All right,
you've made your point.
Hey, I can't screw this up
Or lisa will get stuck
with someone like me.
Homie, I don't have
a problem with you.
Except your buttons
are off one.
Actually, this is
a collar button, see?
It goes like this...
Tuh! Is there no end
to your fault-finding?
Maggie, help me
with this shirt.
(groans)
(homer and lisa laughing)
So mr. Burns
never realized
It was maggie
who saved the plant?
Nope.
Now, how's that drink?
Can I temple up
that shirley?
Oh, I'm fine.
(giggles)
Well, have we decided?
Uh, yeah, help me out here.
What is the normal amount
Of entrees per person?
Eh, one, sir.
I mean for adults.
One.
No, I mean for
adult males.
Yes.
I repeat, eh, one.
All right,
I'll have the lasagna.
All right.
Meat or vegetarian?
Oh, uh... Oh...
Vegetarian.
(quietly): Can the red
sauce be cow blood?
We'll see what
we can do.
Is that mom?
Homer, can you come
with me for a minute?
Marge, please,
control your jealousy.
This is your daughter.
We need to have
a conversation
In loud whispers.
Uh, excuse me, lisa.
A friend from high school.
Homie, I felt terrible
When you said I felt
stuck with you.
But then I realized:
I am stuck with you.
I couldn't stop loving you
if I tried.
I'm sorry, that's all very nice.
But I can't forget
what you said.
I know, homie.
I know you well
enough to know
You're not ready
to forgive me yet.
But I also know
you well enough
To know that
this will work.
Where'd you get
that dress?
Remember that
sewing machine
You say I
never use?
Well, I sold it and
bought this dress.
Wow...
Wow, that looks just like
The dress you wore
on project runway.
Shush-shush-shush.
Oh, right.
I mean, this looks like a dress
From a local springfield store.
All is forgiven.
Let's have dinner.
(clears throat)
Dad, I believe
we were on a date?
Oh, of course.
You're right, honey.
I'll just, um...
I'll park it at the bar.
Well, hello.
And your lasagna
with cow blood, sir.
Thanks, frenchy.
I'm not french,
I'm just pissy.
Lucas.
You're not competitive
eating anymore?
No.
I realized that
was unrealistic.
Well, that's a relief.
My new goal is to become
whatever adele is.
Just call me pound-uca-dollar.
(chuckles)
What if I just taught
you how to whistle?
You know how to whistle?
Like with your mouth?
(whistles)
(blows air)
Hey, I'm doing it!
(blowing air)
I sound just like a bird!
(whistling theme song)
Shh!