The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 25, Episode 15 - The War of Art - full transcript

"lisa wants

"a dot-dot-dot

Guinea pig?"

Mm.

(humming happily)

(curious grunt)

(yells)

(homer smacking and chewing)

(gulps, swallows)

(curious grunt)

Hey, homer, did you know that
guinea pigs are self-groomers?



And when the get excited,
they jump straight up.

It's called "popcorning."
lisa got to you.

I don't know how,
but she got to you.

(phone buzzing)

(chiming)

Emojis.

Now she's gone too far.

Lisa, your father and I
are very concerned

About all this hinting.

(groans)

I've never had
a pet of my very own.

My clock is ticking.

I don't want to be
one of those girls

Who waits till she's 16
to decide if she's ready,



And then it's too late.

(both grunt)

Well, we've talked about it.

And if you really
want a guinea pig,

You'll have to sign
this contract.

"I, lisa simpson, hereby promise

To take full responsibility
for this dog, cat, other."

Circle "other."

"this includes
feeding, bathing,

"cleaning of droppings
and barfings,

And when the time comes,
burying or flushing."

Boilerplate,
boilerplate, boilerplate.

We can skip
all this litter box stuff.

"if pet
becomes internet superstar,

All rights revert to father."

Sign here, here,

Initial here, one
more over here.

And done.

Oh, my god!

I'm getting a guinea pig!

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

Thank you, thank you!

The kid-parent contract.

Unenforceable, yet you feel

Like you didn't completely cave.

You're doing the right thing
adopting a rescue pig.

You know, most of these guys
are rejects

From the big guinea-pig mills
in the midwest.

Oh, I can't tell you
how many mill pigs

We get here who have
bumblefoot or the slobbers.

You don't have children, do you?

This one whistled at me!

Ooh, that could be the one.

Oh, but that orange guy
looks like a pumpkin.

(gasps)
but this fellow is so fuzzy!

Well, they all have
their charms.

This one's nibbling
a sunflower seed.

Look at that hair.

Aw, I just want
to comb it forever!

Have you seen a pinker nose?

(gasps)
I have now!

Lisa, you've just
got to choose one.

Lisa?

She's gone, honey. She's gone.

That one's fur looks
like a tuxedo!

A band-aid on its tail, aw!

(gasps)
albino!

I'm definitely
getting this one.

Oh, but I forgot
about this one.

Oh, my god,
I never even saw this one!

(gasps)
oh! Oh! Oh! Oh...

Maybe I should get
that sick one.

If I don't, no one else will.
(gasps)

Bart, list your top five,
best to worst.

No, no, no, no!
Worst to best.

I just wish the gray one had
the brown one's personality.

Okay, dad, give me your phone.

I need to look
at the pictures again.

Aw, aw, aw!

Aw, aw!

Okay, this is the guinea pig

That will make me happy.

She thinks she's decided.

Don't say a thing.

Don't blow this.

Okay, now, you sure
you only want just one?

They tend
to do better in pairs.

(gasps)
I could get two?

(engine revs, tires screech)

Homer:
Farting tweakers rule!

I've tried to give pokey
a perfect replica

Of his natural habitat.

Peruvian feather grass,

An incan sleeping mat,

And a portrait of
marisol espinoza,

The vice president of peru.

Are you sure you didn't create
a perfect habitat for you?

I wish I could live in there.

Well, there's plenty of room.

Because pokey's gone.

(gasps)
where'd he go?

(squeaking)

This looks like a job for...

Fireplace tongs.

(tongs clang, pokey squeaks)

No!

(pokey squeaking)

Oh, my god!

He's in the walls!

I hear chewing.

No, that's a much bigger animal.

(grunts)

Kettle corn.

The heroin
of the farmers' market.

I've lost my guinea pig!

(squeaking, tapping nearby)

Pokey!

Our boat painting!

I'm sorry, mom.

(groans)

That's okay, sweetheart.

Your pig thingy
didn't mean it.

It's just, it felt
comforting to know

That while we watched tv,

There was art
going on behind us.

Oh, well, I guess we have to go

To an art gallery
and buy a new painting.

Sure, we could go
to a fancy gallery

And spend a bunch
of money, or...

Mm... Hmm, hmm,

Hmm, hmm?
Yeah, milhouse played
the violin for years

Until it turned out
the vibrations

Were screwing up his bones.

Yeah, these seem great.
(sniffs)

Oh, too bad someone
used cello rosin.

(groaning in frustration)

(gasping in awe)

Oh, my gosh, that's beautiful!

I've never seen a painting
with a lighthouse before.

(laughs)
oh, that.

That was on the wall
of kirk's bachelor pad,

Back when we were

(whispers):
Separated.

Yeah, it's a great piece.

I didn't have a mirror,

So I shaved in the reflection

Of the chrome frame.

This could be
our new living room painting.

I don't know.

How about this poster

Of a really rocking jukebox?

You know it's rocking
'cause music notes

Are coming out of it.

Painting's only 20 bucks.

Oh, please, homie?

I'll throw in the tiny violins.

(homer humming classical melody)

Oh, it looks great!

Well...

To me, it looks like...
Garbage salad.

But that's
the great thing about art.

Everyone can have their own
opinion about why it sucks.

I've got to get rid
of this ugly chrome frame

From kirk's bachelor bad.

I hate to think of the things
this mirror has reflected.

Hm!

Hey, look.

There's a signature
that the frame covered up.

"johan oldenveldt."

Here he is!

"johan oldenveldt, painter.

"lived in amsterdam, paris.

Prolific early 20th century
naturalist."

Ooh, I think this was painted
by someone famous.

Maybe it's valuable.

We should
have it appraised.

Pfft!
You guys are crazy.

I never even
heard of that guy.

It's not like it was painted

By leonardo da vinci code.

Now, here's what
makes art valuable--

One: Nudity,
two: Holograms,

Three: Something terrible
happening to jesus.

Ah yes, seascape,

Marvelous natural light,

Classic use of gouache.

You're right.

This is an early-career
oldenveldt.

Quite valuable.

Oh, my god!

I expect it to go somewhere

Between 80 to $100,000.

(gasps)
nobody touch it!

Bart, stop looking at it!

But I want to see it!

No, you'll wear it out!

Baby, you saw something in this
painting, and you were right.

Wow, the van houtens
owned this for years,

And never knew
how much it was worth.

Think how happy they'll be

When we sell it and split
the money with them.

Split it? Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa...

Whoa!

(cell phone ringing)

Homer: Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Split it with them?

Kirk and luann didn't
know what the painting

Was worth when they sold it.

Yes, they sold it to us.

So, now it's our painting.

We can hang it on our wall,

Cut eyeholes in it
to spy on people.

Or sell it for lots of money

Which we keep.

For ourselves?

This dude gets it.

(groans)

But the van houtens
are our friends.

Are they, marge?

If you think about it,

Aren't they really
just the parents

Of a kid who happens
to hang out with our kid?

All our friends
are like that.

Well, how would you feel
if we sold them something

That turned out
to be valuable?

I would feel a) happy
for their good fortune,

B) proud to know rich people,

And c) grateful
for an opportunity

To learn from a mistake.

Marge:
How about this?

What if we give
the van houtens

25% of the money?

Then they'll just be mad

About the 65%
that we're keeping.

Marge, you like
kindness, right?

Sure.

So, even if we gave

Kirk and luann
some of the money,

The knowledge of what they could
have had will eat away at them,

Like piranhas devouring
a wounded yeti.

It's kinder never to tell them.

Okay, I see your point.

We should sell the painting,
keep all the money,

And never, ever tell
the van houtens.

Mm-hmm!

(deep inhale)

(gasping)

(deep inhale)

(marge and homer gasping)

What'll it take to
buy your silence?

Hmm.

Okay, milhouse,

The guys in back are shining up
your new bike.

And all I have to do
is not say anything

About some painting
to my mom and dad?

Oh, sweetie, you want your
parents to be happy, don't you?

I guess.

(laughing):
"I guess"!

You're funny!

No wonder lisa's
in love with you.

She is?!

She is?!

So, if I keep my mouth shut,

You get me new
wheelie sneakers,

And bart agrees
to promote and encourage use

Of my new
cool nickname, "c.J."

(homer grunts)

You got it, ceej.

(doorbell rings)

You found out that painting
was worth big bucks,

And you weren't
gonna tell us?!

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Hide the treasure!

I'm sorry, mr. S.

I cracked!

We had a deal.

And now we've got nothing!

(blows)

We considered you
our friends.

We trusted you!

I let homer use
our master bathroom!

Then you stab us
in the back!

If you knew you sold
a valuable painting for nothing,

How could you live
with yourselves?

We were just trying
to be... Kind.

Kind?! You call it kind
to give us nothing?

We were gonna treat you

To dinner
at an upscale chain restaurant

And never explain why,
but now forget it!

Oh, so that's how it is!

That's exactly
how it is.

Oh, is it?!

Oh, it is!

(clears throat) luann, I hope
we're still on Thursday

For collecting used
cell phones for the troops.

I don't think
you need any help.

You're so good at...
Collecting.

Oh!

Oh, that was cold,
luann!

So cold!

Brr!

Sarcastic brr!

See what happens
when we get greedy?

Honey, there's something
I want to show you.

An atm receipt?

I don't know
whose this is.

I found it next
to the cash machine,

And I've always kept it.
Look at the balance.

Five figures!

With that painting,
we could have what
these people have:

A money cushion.

No more living
paycheck to paycheck,

One lost retainer away
from the gutter.

I could write a check
with today's date on it.

That's the cushion.

Tonight, a special report.

Fat cat art experts
take advantage

Of john and jane yard sale.

So, would you characterize
your friend of many years

Cheating you out of your
painting as no big deal,

Or a devastating betrayal?

Oh, definitely betrayal, kent.

Interesting.

So if you see the simpsons
walking down your street,

Lock your doors and hide...
Your friendship.

Great! Now we're raccoons,

The masked bandits
of the animal world!

Don't worry.
No one's gonna see
this stupid show.

(both gasp, tires squeal)

(gasps)

The whole town's
turned against us!

(engine revs,
tires squeal)

Ooh, a support rock!

This one's against us.
This one's for us.

For, for, against,
for, against...

We don't even get this many
christmas cards.

(all clamoring)

(all gasp)

There they are,
the masterpiece thievers!

Ah, shut your bone hole!

That painting belongs
to the simpsons!

Sharing is what makes
a community strong!

All sales are final!

Keep it!
(clamoring)

Finders keepers, moron!

You really think we're still
doing the right thing?

Just close your eyes
and think of the cushion.

First lot: "untitled landscape"
by johan oldenveldt,

From the collection of homer j.
And marge b. Simpson.

Let's open the bidding
at $80,000.

The paddles, marge!
Look at the paddles!

Woman:
Stop the auction!

That painting belongs to me!

(crowd gasps, murmurs)
dawn?

Good to see you again,
beef kirky.

Who is this woman?

Uhhhhhh...

While you two
were separated,

Kirk and I used
to be friends...

With banana-fits.

(homer groans)

You told me
you didn't see anyone

During our separation.

Uhhhhhh...

Madam, are you saying
this painting belongs to you?

Kirk stole it from me!

But I didn't know
it was valuable

Till I saw the story on tv.

What?! I bought
that painting!

She's lying!

(gavel raps)
the auction is on hold

Until we can determine
the true ownership.

Our cushion!

Don't bother
coming home, kirk!

Aw!

See what your
greed has done?

Ow!

Anybody want
to give me a ride home?

Going once?

Going twice?

(gavel banging)
sold! To the lonely auctioneer!

Ah!

(cheering, laughter)

Thanks for
taking me in, man.

I guess I can't help but feel
fully responsible.

Oh, luann, I'll never gaze
from my thick eyeglasses

Into your thick eyeglasses
ever again.

What you need, my friend,
is a canadian duff.

Beauty, eh?

So... Why does that chick think
she owns the painting?

Oh, dawn and I went
on a vacation

To a resort island
called isla verde.

I bought the painting
in a cafe,

But that night she ran off
with a parasailing instructor.

Not your fault, man.

Those parasailing guys take
whatever they want.

It was never her painting.

That woman will
say anything

To keep herself in
electric cigarettes.

And I'd go back to that
cafe artiste to prove it,

But nothing's gonna
get me luann back.

(snoring)

Okay, all I gotta do
is take a quick ferry
to isla verde,

Find cafe artiste,
and they'll back up
kirk's story.

That will prove the painting
was his-- and now ours.

Oh, homer simpson,
that painting has torn
the town apart,

Destroyed kirk
and luann's marriage,

And everyone's very worried
about milhouse.

He's been playing
dancing revolution for hours,

But the tv is off.

But our cushion!

That picture has brought out
the worst in everyone!

Please! Just let it go!

(grunting)

You're not gonna
let it go, are you?

I wish I knew how.

This is so exciting!

My first time
establishing provenance!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just remember,

If your mother asks,
I took you to a wine tasting.

That's a terrible thing
for a father to do.

That's why
she'll believe it.

Hmm, this quaint artist
community

Has gotten a little touristy.

? ?

Excuse me. We're trying
to find cafe artiste.

Ah, yes.
Top of the hill.

Three discos up, four
gelatos on the left.

You can't miss it.

It's right between the disco
and the gelato place.

Mmm. Hmm.

Mm-mm!
(door bell jingles)

Mm...

Welcome to cafe artiste!

Would you like
a glass of strupo?

It's a liqueur made
of fermented capers,

The official drink
of the island.

Mmm! Sounds delicious.

It's not.

Hey, a friend of mine,
uh, bought a painting here.

Oh, yes, I remember
that painting.

And that is the man
I sold it to.

And that man sold it to me!

That proves the
painting is mine!

And nothing can stop
me from selling it

And keeping all the money!

I love art!

Man:
Art?

What do you know about art?

You don't even know
who painted that picture.

Yes, I do.
It's a johan oldenveldt.

Wrong! It's a me!

A what?
I painted it!

Me, klaus ziegler!

Who?

Mm!
Oh!

This is where I painted
your so-called oldenveldt.

Prove it.

Aw, crap!

You're a forger?

"forger" is such
a cruel word.

I'm an art forger.

Your painting was
an early, clumsy effort

Which I gave to the cafe owner
to pay off my strupo tab.

Whew!

Then why did the auction house
say it was real?

I have fooled galleries
around the world

With my loving imitations.

Ziegler! Ziegler! Ziegler!

Ziegler!
Ziegler! Ziegler!

What you do is horrible...

Ripping off geniuses
who spent years

Perfecting their styles.

Perhaps you are the one
who is horrible.

What?!

You only cared about that

Painting when you thought

It was created
by someone famous.

Well, no, but now when I look
at it, all I see is a fraud.

Beauty is beauty.

My forgeries
give pleasure to people
all over the world.

The only real question
to ask about art,

Whether it's in the louvre

Or on a freshman's wall
at cal state fullerton

Is, "did it move you?"

But, you still, I mean...

Oh, I suppose you're right.

What if I never liked
the painting

And only wanted it for money?

Then you, I respect.

(groans)

Oh, great.
The painting is worthless,

(glass shattering)
this was all for nothing,

And when marge finds out,
she's gonna kill me.

Well, on that front,
perhaps I can be
of assistance.

If there's one thing
art is good for,

It's to melt the frost which
often hardens a woman's heart.

While you're at it...

Could you make me
a couple more?

I'll pay you in strupo.

(sighs)

Perfect.

Oh, now that's art.

(grunts)
rocking.

Ziegler:
The gray troll,

Brine of madness,
angel's urine,

All names for the mysterious
elixir known as strupo.

Though this fermented caper
solution was originally used

To dissolve seagull corpses,

Local alcoholics
soon found strupo

To be a palatable drink
of last resort.

The noxious liqueur causes

Powerful olfactory
hallucinations,

Gender confusion,
and wandering mouth.

So if you visit isla verde,

Be sure to say "ahoy" to the
crushing addiction of strupo.

Strupo: Lose everything.