The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 25, Episode 11 - Specs and the City - full transcript

Mr. Burns' Christmas present to his employees, a pair of augmented reality glasses, places a strain on Homer and Marge's relationship. Meanwhile, Bart wrestles with giving a Valentine's Day card to Nelson.

ANNOUNCER:
Welcome to Super Bowl XLVIII

between the Seattle Seahawks
and the Denver Broncos.

The field is a frozen tundra,
(Bart laughing)

imported at great expense
from Alaska.

Hmm?

Hmm?!

Huh...?

(shrieks)

(gasps)

Oh!

(gasps)



(screams)

(screams, jabbers)

(screams, jabbers)

Whoo-hoo.

(whimpers)

(sobs)

(Homer continues
whimpering, sobbing)

(electricity buzzes,
Homer screams and whimpers)

(Homer screams,
electricity crackles)

ANNOUNCER: And the game
comes down to this one play--

(Homer screaming)
a final field goal.

The kick is up,
it hits the crossbar and--

(power humming off)

HOMER:
D'oh!



(Homer slurps beer,
then whoops)

(to tune of "Silver Bells"):
d Glowing rods, glowing rods

d It's making me

d Weak and dizzy...

Uh, rumor has it
they're about to give out

the company Christmas gifts.

Who told you that?

I got an in.

The VP of Personnel

is doing my girlfriend.

Ooh, look at you,
Mr. Connected.

I hope it's better than
last year's lousy gift.

CARL:
Yeah, what a rip.

Ugh. Remember this gift?

The executive stress ball.

BURNS' VOICE: One more squeeze
and you're fired.

(gasps) Now I feel
more stressed than ever.

Gah! (gags)

BURNS' VOICE (muffled):
Excellent.

Excellent. Excellent.

Uh, you don't look
so excellent to me.

(retches)

Ho, ho, humbug.

Santa Claus approaches
to judge and punish.

Wow! A good gift
for once.

Oogle Goggles.

Augmented reality glasses.

You wear them like eyeglasses,
but inside the lens,

you see information about the
people and places around you.

Ooh, finally I'm not a slave
to my stupid human eyeballs.

(gasping in wonder)

HOMER:
Ooh!

Whoa.

(high-pitched gibbering)

(smug chuckling)

Glasses, call Lenny.

Ooh, I'm getting a call.

Answer call.

Hello?

Lenny, it's me, Homer.

Hm. I always thought
it was "Simp-sen."

Really? Don't you ever
look up at the sky?

(theme song playing)

Always wondered
what that was.

Sir, I'm concerned about

your sudden generosity.

The doctor said
to bring you in right away

if you display
kindness or warmth.

Oh, don't worry.

This Santa still has claws.

As of now, each of
those nuclear nitwits

is wearing a
video camera.

With a direct feed to me.

(gasps) You're
spying on them?

Smithers, how much
did this company lose

to office supply
theft last year?

$7,043.

Yes, well, no more of that.

Thanks to this $26 million
surveillance system.

Beware, rabbits.

I spy with my transplanted eyes.

Oh, and I forgot
to show you the best feature.

Each of these buttons
represents an employee.

When I press it,
he or she dies.

(scoffs) What's wrong
with this thing?

(grunts in frustration)

Now, remember kids,

the school says you must
have a valentine card

for everyone in your class.

How does this mean anything
when everyone's forced to do it?

What did I say
about pointing out

the meaninglessness
of things?

Not to.

Well, no way I'm giving
a valentine to Nelson.

He's a bully,
and I do not love him.

Jesus says
to love your enemies.

That's because
Jesus knows one day,

he gets to look
his enemies in the eye and say

"It was me who
sent you to Hell."

Bart, your school
requires you

to give everyone
a valentine card

in an envelope
with a fun sticker.

Your teacher
put out an e-mail alert.

With a video attachment.

MAN:
Welcome to Firstline. Tonight,

"Valentine's Day:
Always A Massacre."

At this school,
children may give valentines

to whomever they choose.

Danny is unpopular,

due to rumors he sleeps in the
raw with his ma and his pa.

Human young are born with the
ability to count valentines,

and Danny realizes
he's been snubbed.

Past generations of children
were used to rejection.

But today's kids, raised
in a climate of video games

and instant messaging,
are fragile weirdos.

LYMAN:
On February 15, 2:00am,

after checking
the mailbox one last time,

Danny nearly died
from an overdose

of little candy hearts.

Many of history's monsters
never received a valentine.

Attila the Hun, Mao Tse-tung,

and me, Will Lyman.

This is Firstline.

Fine, Nelson
gets a valentine.

An old one from the box.

Perfect. Bad movie, bad pun,

even bad paper stock.

(Homer laughing)

(giggles)

What's so funny?

I'm watching videos of idiots
wearing these glasses

and not paying attention
to the world around them.

Look at these jerks.

(man screams)

Ow!

(man screams)

I don't understand what's
so great about these

state of the art,
solar-powered,
computo-glasses.

I'll let you try them on,

right after I decide
if these videos

are Funny Or Die.

Funny, funny, die, die,

funny, funny but
the guy died.

Oh.

Now, a simple Sunday drive
will reveal the hidden wonders

of our hometown.

Hmm...

(grunting with effort)

Whoo-hoo!

D'oh!

Springfield City Hall was built
for the Spencer Tracy movie

Meet Me At City Hall.

It was just a flat wall with
nothing behind it for 30 years.

Dad, Bart's on my side
of the seat.

Dad, Lisa's my
little sister.

(both grunting)

The rearview mirror
was invented in 1911,

for just this reason.

Interesting.

When was the term
"shut up" invented?

As early as 1859,
shut up was used to shut up...

Homie, I think the kids
are just hungry.

Glasses, direct me to the nicest
restaurant I can afford.

FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE:
Accessing soup kitchens.

What, you... Oh, that's it,
I'm taking you off.

Aah! Reality.

JEREMY:
Oh! Sorry, sir!

Okay, let's see
what we got here.

Ugh, oh! Ooh.

Eh.

Oh.
(Homer giggles)

Mm-hmm.

Squeeze here.

Rotate there.

Pause for sweet talk.

Oh, glasses,
you're so wonderful.

Huh? A-Are you using your
glasses for snuggling?

But the avatar
looks just like you.

I'm afraid wives
don't make passes

at husbands in
those glasses.

Glasses, find me
a great gift for my wife.

(whispers):
Under five dollars.

MARGE:
I heard that!

Glasses, take me
two minutes back in time.

Oh... (grumbles)

Marge.
Mm.

About the glasses.
Mm!

I'm really
sorry, and...
Mm, mm, mm.

Here's your breakfast.

Only five pancakes?

You're trying to kill me.

Well, I'm not happy with you.

Look, honey,
I know these glasses

are a radical
new technology

and should be worn
in moderation.

Isn't that right,
glasses?

FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE:
Yes, just like I told you.

Anyway, I'm giving them up.

To whoever dares take them.

(Lisa and Bart gasp)

Yoink.

Aw, come on, Mom.

For once,
I'm grabbing the goody.

So the rumors are true.

Moms can want things.

Hmm.

Hmm...

Nicely done, Lewis.

A Transformer
that transforms into a heart?

I love it!

Mm. This Hershey's Kiss
is melted.

Not good.

My mom left it
on the dashboard!

My mom...!

I'll have yours now, Simpson.

In Ga'hoole,

we would break
his frickin' knees.

No.

No Valentine
for you, Nelson.

Excuse me?

I'll give a Valentine
to a loser,

I'll give a Valentine to a dork,

I'll even give a Valentine
to a girl,

but I won't give a Valentine
to a bully!

Here's what's gonna happen.

You have one week to make me the
best Valentine any kid ever got.

And what if I don't?

Simpson, there's gonna be
a heart in my hand,

either paper or yours.

Hey, everybody.
That's strange.

I-I'm hearing a voice,
but I'm not seeing a user icon.

Carl, it's me.
I'm here.

Really here!

Hey, Homer. A lot
of information about you.

Let me just
page through it.
Oh! Stop! Hey! What?

Oh, no one can live
in a non-augmented reality.

I need another pair of glasses.

Charlie, your move
in Muppet Chess.

Gonzo to Fozzie Seven.

Aw! That's Kermit-mate.
Wocka wocka!

Oh, why is it

the recipe card
you need is always

the one Homer writes
his cocktail ideas on?

Maybe these
bleep-bloop glasses can help.

Okay, Marge Simpson
entering the Matrix,

for a brownie recipe.

FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE:
Here are my top-rated recipes.

Ooh. So many choices, Maggie.

(beeping)

HOMER:
Um, Mr. Burns, sir?

Can I get another pair
of glasses?

Maybe two pair?
One for the beach house?

Can I also get a beach house?

Two beach houses.

Huh?

Monitors?!

What the...?

Burns gave us those glasses
so he could spy on us!

This is a violation
of our human rights.

(cracks knuckles)
Okay,

so let's see
what we can see.

Solitaire, top hats on eBay,

Angry Birds fan fiction,

guy doing really easy
crossword puzzle,

Lenny doing
Carl's clown makeup...

someone's actually working?

Maggie?!

Who's Mommy's little girl?

You are!

(Maggie giggles)

(chuckles):
Aw...

Wait a minute. Since Marge
is wearing my glasses,

I can see everything she sees!

Uh-uh, I shouldn't watch this.

MARGE:
Such a good baby.

You deserve some ice cream.

Wait a minute-- Marge said
we were out of ice cream.

(Marge humming happily)

Ooh!

(Marge chuckles)

(gasps) Oh!

What else
is Marge hiding from me?

(doorbell rings)
MARGE:
Maggie, he's here!

Oh, is she having an affair?

Thanks for asking me to lunch.

Oh, why isn't she
having an affair?!

What about a Valentine
that says: "Bully, for you"?

Hmm, interesting.

"Interesting" means "no."

"Interesting" means "no."

(snaps fingers)

Milhouse, you're a genius!

I am? What did I say?

(groans):
Oh, nothing.

On TV when a guy
says something lame,

another guy says he's a genius,
and then he has an idea.

I thought it might
work for me.

Well, you called me a genius.

That means a lot.

Oh, I hate this
stupid holiday!

The only thing you
can do is screw it up.

(gasps)
That's it!

Bart, you're a genius!

Well, if you keep throwing the
word around, it means nothing.

Who are you?
Mr. Burns!

Oh. I'm so sorry,
Mr. Burns.

I won't bother
you again.

HOMER: Marge, that's
a "Compact Only" space.

(Marge grunts)

(chuckles): Well...
who knew you were such a rebel?

Now let's learn more
about my wife's secret life.

Secrets which can only be good.

Hi, Marge.

Dr. Carlock is ready for you.

Thank you.

So, Marge, how have you been?

(sighs):
Okay, I guess.

Marge is in therapy?!

MARGE:
Oh, I hate when I come here

and the first word
out of my mouth is "Homer."

But here we go, again.

(sighs) Homer was converting
our dollars to "yu-ros."

Not the money,
the sandwich.

And has there been any
improvement in Homer's drinking?

Well, he's down
to two beers in the shower.

They're pale ales! Please!

Well, maybe if
you just concentrate

on one problem, like his temper.

MARGE: Oh, everything
in the newspaper makes him mad.

Not Marmaduke!
Never Marmaduke!

Marmaduke was
horrible today!

Also, Marge is in therapy,
and she didn't even tell me.

Whoa. She has
crossed a line.

How did you find out?

Spied on her
with a hidden camera.

She thinks I'm selfish.

She thinks I don't spend
enough time with the kids.

Well, that's crazy.
Come on.

You work your butt off in
a radioactive hellhole,

and what do you get?
Not one lousy superpower.

I guess the only choice
is to come clean with her

and tell her what I know,
and hI know.

Whoa, whoa!

Bad idea. No, no.

Chicks do not like finding out
they're being spied on.

I speak from loooooong....

experience.

No, you got to make it seem like

you found out by accident there.

Um... ooh!

Next week you schedule
an appointment

with the therapist after hers,
and then you bump into Midge

in the waiting
room there.

Moe, that's great!

(chuckles):
How do you get your ideas?

Pretty much all my friends
are divorced guys.

Hello, Homie!

Dinner's almost ready.

Pork chops with
my secret seasoning.

Yeah, you do like your
secrets, don't you, Marge?

Don't lose your
cool, Homer.

The building block of a
marriage is long silence.

Hey, where'd
she go?

Good, good,
you held your tongue there.

Because-- hey, where'd you go?

Doesn't anybody want me
to give 'em advice?

Okay there, Fido,
when you see that
squirrel outside,

at first you play it cool,
you understand?

(barks twice)

"I fear you"?

This is what Valentine's Day
means to you?!

This is what it means
to everyone.

How can you be forced
to say "I love you"?

People only give Valentines
because they're scared

of what would happen
if they didn't.

"Nelson, you frighten me so,

"The psycho-est bully I know,

"You're a sociopath
in need of a bath,

I'm sure you'll wind up
on death row."

(sniffing)

Mmm! You can really smell
the fear on this.

I rubbed it on Milhouse.

Simpson, you just
touched my heart's butt.

Why are you hugging yourself?

Why are you
hugging yourself?!

If Nelson doesn't do something
bully-ish in two seconds,

I'm gonna wedgie him.

Nelson doesn't
wear underwear.

Wow. Always
one step ahead.

Uh, I'm here to
check in for the 3:00.

Please fill out these
forms, Mr. Fakinami.

No, it's "Fake Name."
I'll just
call you Elias.

That's "Alias."

Duh. Hm!

HOMER:
Finally.

Time for the big bump-into.

Same time
next week, Marge?

Oh, absolutely.

These sessions keep me
on an even keel.

Dr. Carlock is like
my Wednesday reset button.

HOMER:
Wednesday?

(pleasant classical music
playing)

d

Okay, she's always
in a good mood after therapy.

(sad, minor-key music playing)

d

(Marge hums happily)

Oh, my God.

Marge needs this.

It lights her way through
the dark path of marriage to me.

Come on in, Mr. Fakinami.

No need.
Everything's fine.

I'm sorry, but there
are no cancellations
within 24 hours.

(chuckles): Well, as long as
I'm paying for the time...

Ow! Where'd you learn
to cut hair?

(nervous chuckle)

You know, you have
some anger issues.

More snip, less lip.

Oh, I forgot to
tell you, Homie,

I bumped into Helen Lovejoy
today, and guess what?

I don't need
to know, Marge.

You deserve
to have your secrets.

It's not a secret.
It's a funny story.

Okay, Marge,
but first, well...

I have something
I need to tell you.

Something I did
you might be mad about,

and rightly so.

Oh, I bet my story's
more interesting.

Whoo-hoo! I tried!

Okay.
Okay,

so, Helen Lovejoy
told me that

she made her famous
snickerdoodle Bundt cake
for the church sale,

and she put in salt
instead of sugar!

(laughs)
Yeah? And...?

That's it.
That was the story.

Where's that cake now?
It got sold.

Who bought it?
Dr. Hibbert.

Excuse me.
I have to make a call.
Don't take too long.

Okay, Hibbert's in surgery,
but they're having him paged.

(both moaning passionately)

Wait, something's wrong.

(grunts) That's better.

Oh, dear God.

Hi, Ralph. Um, I just
wanted to tell you,

there was a tooth
in the Valentine you gave me.

Plant it and you'll
grow a new Ralph.

I don't need a new Ralph.
I like the old one.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Well, better get ready
for St. Patrick's!