The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 24, Episode 17 - What Animated Women Want - full transcript

♪ Maybe tomorrow

♪ When he looks down

♪ On every green field

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ In every town

♪ All of his children

♪ In every nation

♪ There'll be peace and good

♪ Brotherhood

♪ The Simpsons 24x17 ♪
What Animated Women Want
Original Air Date on April 14, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==



What do women want?

Throughout their herstory...

That's right, I said herstory.

Of plant Earth, men have
attempted to answer that

question, and failed.

Or should I say, "maled".

Ha, ha, ha...

Keep it under your
head guys.

That I've got a date
with a married woman.

So let me guess.
Is it Marge?

Her husband's
gonna be there too.

Got it.
You and Marge.

Give up?
It's Marge.

I'm having a lunch date
with my wife



Good one.
Yeah. You got us man.

Ha, ha.
A date with my wife.

Yeah, well I got plans
for lunch too.

I'm lying under a tree.

Hmm. Everybody's got something.

Ooh... this is the coolest
sushi restaurant in town.

It got three and a half stars
in the Springfield Tire Guide.

When we got married,

I promised you a life
full of romance.

Now here it is.

Not fresh enough.

Can we get some
soy sauce?

We do not recommend soy sauce
with that particular roll.

No soy sauce!

You and all
your ancestors...

banned!

But-but I... but...

Edamame them away!

You really think that's
going to get rid of us?

How you like this soy sauce?

The customer is
never right!

If they can be that rude,
the food must be great.

I was just leaving a tip.

Tip included!

Oh, Marge,
this is amazing!

I never realized

some restaurants are better
than others.

I hope you are
enjoying your sushi.

It's as yummy

as your poorly produced
local commercial said.

I argued against
that cowboy hat,

but in the end, it worked.

So, without the kids,

we can have sophisticated
grown-up talk.

Oh, yeah. Mmm!

And I'm thinking of getting
Maggie swimming lessons.

Beats drowning.

When God rested on
the seventh day,

did he take a nap or
do a hobby he enjoyed?

I think I'm interesting!

What?! What?!

You're interesting!
Why would you say that?!

Can you chew with
your mouth closed?

It's like looking into
a garbage disposal.

Words hurt, you know?

The most romantic part
of this was the hold music

when I made
the reservation.

Maybe it's time
for a visit

from Wally
the Kissing Walrus.

Everything has
its breaking point.

Even the strongest substance
in the universe...

a married mother of three.

That usually works,
but not today.

Uh-oh.

Marge, I thought
this was an innocuous lunch,

but it's become terribly ocuous!

Uh, conversation,
conversation...

You look great.

And, uh,
how was your day?

Lousy.

You can't spell
"lousy" without "us."

I'm going to take a cab.

Marge, wait!

Listen, we swore
we'd never go to sleep

angry at each other.

I'm not going to sleep.

Well, you didn't have
two beers with your lunch.

Oh, my God.
A marriage so perfect

that I could take it
for granted for years

suddenly explodes.

What do I do? What do I do?

For a man confronted
with danger,

two responses
immediately come to mind.

I like that picture
of the sneaker with the wings.

I'm gonna flee!

Where's an electric sidewalk
when you need one?

Fleeing didn't work.

I have no choice.

I will have to...

do whatever the other thing was!

As Homer prepares
to fight for his marriage,

another battle
between the sexes begins...

on the other side
of Springfield.

Just once, I wish
Lisa would get up,

come over and sit next to me.

She's getting up!
She's coming over!

This is a nightmare!

I think our lunches
got mixed up.

Oh, I'm sorry.
That means I threw yours out.

But I still have a couple
of your mini carrots.

Mm-hmm.

What's the matter?
Not a vegetarian?

Milhouse, got
anything good?

Sure. I've got goulash,
schnitzel, salmagundi...

Ooh, a cupcake.

Oh, yeah...

Um... do you want it?

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna give up my cupcake
for a second of attention?

Isn't there a better way
to relate to a girl?

Go wash up and help me
clear the table.

Now, that's how
I clear the table!

He could board my
streetcar any time.

Why doesn't Blanche go

for that delightful
Karl Malden?

Who, Potato Nose? Forget it.

For some stupid reason,
chicks dig Brando.

Sweaty clothes and mumbling?

I've been wasting my time
with this sophisticated act.

Lisa, you can't have my cupcake.

Wha...?
You heard me, Duchess.

It's mine,
and I'm saving it.

Oh, okay.
If you'll excuse me,

I have to go think of you
in a different light.

Great. She's never gonna talk
to me again.

I'm sorry I was
inconsiderate, Milhouse.

And furthermore, I respect
you more for saying no.

Tell you what, babe.

Why don't you get me a milk?

Milhouse, where
are you going with this?

Playing the biggest
hunch of my life.

I just have one
thing to say:

chocolate or regular?

Huh?

Why am I doing this?

What are you doing,
going to Wisconsin for the milk?

I've seen cafeteria ketchup
move faster!

Who knew having a backbone
was attractive?

Certainly not I.

It would change the way
my suits fit.

Milhouse, you'll probably
think this is lame,

but I was gonna go for
a nature walk after school,

and I thought maybe
you'd like to...

Just start nature-walking.

See if I show up.

Milhouse has made his choice,

and if there's any justice,
he's doomed.

Now let's see
what Maggie's up to.

Moving on...

Why are all his laundry-basket
shots three point attempts?

What are you doing
home from work?

I'm fighting
for you, babe.

Fighting like I would

for the last slice
of cold pizza in the box.

And to show you
how serious I am...

From the gas station?

From the place beside
the gas station.

Hmm.

Well, that does sound good.

I'll just stick this
in your apology card drawer.

No. I'm tired
of your broken promises.

"Marge, I'm gonna
lose ten pounds."

"Sweetie, I'll be
home at 8:00 p.m."

"Sweetie, I'll be home
at 8:00 a.m."

"I'll take you out

to the most romantic lunch
of your life." I'm done!

Marge was so happy
when I made those promises.

What changed?

Milhouse,
seeing you there

saying nothing...

it's the cutest
you've ever been.

Uh...

Hush, sweet boy.

Let me get lost
in the blue of your eyebrows.

Whatever.

Did you bring me that sandwich
what I sent you out for?

It came with fries
or salad.

Whichever you picked,
you picked wrong.

Well, I wasn't sure,
so I got both.

Who knows her little Milhouse?

I'm acting like a jerk,
and Lisa's eating it up.

Why don't I feel good?

I need advice from the most
important woman in my life.

So everything was going great,

and then I wondered if the me
she likes is the real me.

Well, let me say
this is the first time

you've been brave enough
to sit in this office

without a bunny in your lap.

Where is the bunny?!

He's in the closet.
He's fine.

I'm over here,
Milhouse. Focus.

You got to help me, Doc.

I just don't know
what to do.

Don't worry,
I'm here for you,

and I'll be here
for as long as it takes.

I'm fired?

You're on your own.

I'll clean out my
office immediately.

I'll show you
how to clean out an office!

I don't usually say this
to kids, but don't be yourself.

Because yourself is not working.

Be that guy you just were.

Gotcha.

Oh, I love you, Fluffy Fella.

I just got fired!
I need it more than you.

Fluffy Fella!

Fella...!

Meanwhile, Homer
was doing something

very difficult for him--
thinking.

How do I win Marge over?

I could get her kids to like me.

No, that ship has sailed.

Hmm.

Fortunately, the modern man
has a third alternative.

Hmm.
Would it make a woman happy

to do the things
she asked you to do?

I think it would.

Searchy, where can I
find brake fluid?

There are 14 Taco Joes
in your area.

That was yesterday.

"Yesterday" by John Lennon
and Paul McCartney.

Where can I find a better
voice-activated search machine?

Oh, I can't please any woman.

Milhouse, I'm not sure why

you left me in the forest,
so I made cookies.

But I didn't know
what kind you liked,

so I made seven kinds.

I've become my mother.

Well, common sense never
goes out of style.

That was too easy.

Lisa!

Did you see Marlon Brando

in "Mutiny on the Bounty"?

No, nobody did.

Then this is just me.

Ta-da.

Bart! Milhouse!

Hmm.

Okay, let's see
how straight it is.

Guess who's
coming to dinner.

What have I told you
about comical entrances?

Sorry.

But you never said anything
about comical exits.

Homie, what are you doing?

I'm planing down that door

that always sticks.

I put training wheels
on Bart's bike,

and made an appointment
with the dermatologist

to see about my slowly
receding hairline.

Oh, Homer.

Yes, my love?

This list
is from six years ago.

Oh, well,

you know how,
in the Special Olympics,

they give medals
just for showing up?

How many times do I
have to tell you to quit

comparing our relationship
to the Special Olympics?

When all is lost,

a man's mind turns to one thing

and one thing only.

What fish may I deplete
from our oceans

for your passing pleasure?

Perhaps some shark fin soup?

Whale tonsils?

Baby dolphin blowhole?

Turtle smile?

I'd like a lot of food,

and for this to be the last
decision I have to make.

Aye, you want omakase--

chef's choice.

You're all I have left.

I trust you completely.

And I you.

Let me run your credit card

to celebrate that trust.

Okay.

This should do it.

Thank you, Mr. Franders.

Lis, you saved us.

Milhouse, are you okay?

Milhouse, for Superman II,

I got $5 million
for three days work,

so don't expect any more
free advice from me.

How about me,
Potato Nose?

Uh... later.

I see tears in your toro.

Marriage is so tough.

Every second, it could
explode catastrophically.

Makes me not want to
come home from my job

at the nuclear plant.

I say marriage is like fish.

There are parts so delicious

they could've been sliced
from angels...

...and parts we make
into omakase.

Omakase...

Where have I heard
that word before?

You haven't--
now, finish your omakase.

Although we have but one ocean,

it offers many special delights.

Wow.

Wow, this is the most delicious
analogy I've ever eaten.

I need to share
this insight with Marge.

Put this
in your finest Styrofoam.

Once again, by eating alone,

I have saved my marriage.

Please enjoy,
with my compliments.

You can even eat the eyes.

Hmm.

He ate the eye.

Marge?

For reasons I forgot
in the car,

this sushi represents
our marriage.

But what I know for sure is that
I want to share it with you.

He's taken a step.

He's really close.

All he has to do is not eat
a piece before I do.

Okay.

But every man deserves
a second chance.

As long as he doesn't...

I'm not hungry.

Good night.

Well, at least you don't
have to suffer, boy.

Someone fed my
sushi to a dog!

You didn't get so mad when I
told you I was fired today.

Blessing in disguise.

Now you can get your PhD.

I don't want a PhD.
I want a baby.

Here we go again.

Lisa, I could be
anyone for you.

Except someone
who's mean to you.

So I'm just gonna cave in
and give you the cupcake.

I don't know...
it's four days old,

I just ate...

Who are you, the Queen of Siam?

Just take the cupcake.

Okay.

I wonder
if Brando liked cupcakes.

I'm down to two a day, but
I've been dead for ten years.

Aw, Moe.

Can you think of a way

to please a woman
that starts with "F"?

Hey, you know, it's funny
you should mention that.

I've been reading that, uh,
Fifty Shades of Grey,

and it turns out that what
chicks want now is a guy

to give them what for
in the bedroom there.

Whoo-hoo! I'll woo
her with whoo-hoo.

Ah, you know,
if this is what women like,

I should be a lot more popular.

But it does inspire me
to work on my fan fiction.

"Sheriff Andy took Barney
in his arms

"and kissed him deeply,
then said,

"'Now, if Aunt Bee asks,

we were down
at the fishin' hole.'"

I-I can't be the only one
who likes this.

Hello, there.

The minister's wife--
what are you doing here?

Um... protesting.

Is this dominating enough
for you, sweetheart?

Go back to the cowboy thing
and wait in the car.

Help me out here, Homer.

Listenpal,

this may sound kind of kinky,

but, uh, I would like to, uh,

please my wife.

Well, are you comfortable
with role play?

I think I could give it
a shot what-what, governor.

Bob's your uncle.

Okay, no role play.

Oh, Marge.

Come to the garage.

You know it'll be good
'cause I'm saying it

in a singsong fashion.

It's a snuggle dungeon.

Hey, Homer,
can I get back my...

What does this do?

Now, just relax.

Sit down...

Not in that chair!

It has no bottom!

This is not putting
me in the mood.

Anger's a mood.

Why would you think
I'd like this?

I don't know.

It's just that you always say

we should try new things.

But I thought snuggle clamps
just might rekindle...

Quick, call the
Procter & Gamble help line!

Really?

Geez, they make
everything.

Huh?

Oh, my God, Marge is here.

What is she thinking now?

I'm glad you're okay.

Mmm?

Now, I'm going to give you

a powerful muscle relaxant.

Hmm, that was
just a placebo.

What does that mean?

Powerful drug.

Homer, I'm glad
that you tried,

even though now I can't
find the washing machine.

It's behind the Dingle Swing.

Oh...

So you forgive me?

Not because of
what you bought,

but because I realized
that no matter what,

you will never stop trying,

and there's nothing a woman
loves more than that.

Aw, thanks, honey.

So, uh, you're not cool

with any of the toys?

Actually, I'm cool
with one of them.

Which one?

Not gonna say.

What size batteries?

D.

Ooh, how many?

Sixteen.

Holy moly.

And so Homer
and Marge's marriage

was saved for another week.

As for Milhouse and Lisa...

Aw, that's sweet.

And those are the only two
that reached the window.

♪ What do you get
when you fall in love? ♪

♪ A guy with a pin
to burst your bubble ♪

♪ That's what you get
for all of your trouble... ♪

Are we forever to be
trapped here in this sea?

Look, a light!

Perhaps that is the way forward.

Our journey begins.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

On the next new Simpsons,

Springfield fights off
a bedbug invasion.

In two weeks, on Fox.

Shh!