The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 24, Episode 16 - Dark Knight Court - full transcript

When Bart is accused of a prank he says he didn't commit, Lisa is forced to defend him in youth court, with former attorney general Janet Reno serving as judge.

(muttering)

(exclaiming)

(school bell ringing)

(Barney belches)

(whistle blows)
(yells)

(beeping)

(playing the blues)

(playing the blues)

D'oh!

(tires screeching)

(grunts)



Mm?

♪ The Simpsons 24x16 ♪
Dark Knight Court
Original Air Date on March 17, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

A plague is sweeping
through Springfield.

A blue bonnet plague.

(chuckles)

Springfield's ladies are wearing
colorful Easter hats

to celebrate
the resurrection of...

Jesus Christ.

♪ I could write a sonnet

♪ About your Easter bonnet

♪ And of the girl I'm taking

♪ To the Easter parade.

Whoa.



We'd better get
this concert started.

The giant chocolate
bunny's melting.

Hollow?

We paid for solid!

Chief, the company's named
Bunny Hollow.

I thought that was
where they lived.

Look at those delightful
children, Smithers.

All those healthy organs,
ripe for the harvesting.

(strumming glockenspiel)

(chuckles)
Not here, sir.

Not now.

Mm. Hmm.

Uh, not sure what I'm expecting
to happen here.

♪ Here comes flute
and piccolos ♪

♪ What comes next,
the horns, horns, horns ♪

(sputtering)

(sighs)

♪ The horns, horns, horns

(sputtering)

Blow, you little
disappointments!

(horns honking)

(crowd screaming)

(screaming)

Ah.

(panting)

(choking)

Who could've shoved eggs
up our brass?

(laughing)

His amusement is tantamount
to culpability!

(crowd clamoring)

Easy, easy.

Let's not jump to conclus...

Too late.
Already jumped.

(whimpers)

Egg don't belong in a chicken's eye.

It belongs in her
pee-poo-birth-hole.

Kill that boy!

(panting)

It's Easter; why aren't these
people at work?

(doorbells jingle)

Good Lord.

Look at all these
comical booklets.

Yes, yes.

Just don't exhale your
death breath directly on them.

Thank you.

You know, I used to
collect these

bestapled fables.

What are you reading?

The adventures of The Good Shepherd
and his sidekick, The Fleecy Kid.

- Bah!
- That's his battle cry.

Baa!

The sound which
terrifies sheep rustlers

the length and breadth of Michigan's
untamed upper peninsula.

You should be out
in the fresh air, kicking dogs.

I'm gonna buy this publishing company
and burn it to the ground.

Why did you have to lock us in?

Teach my son a lesson!

How much for your
entire collection?

Um, the speed of light,
expressed in dollars.

Just give him
Faraday's Constant.

(humming)

Nice going, Bart.

You've ruined
Halloween, Thanksgiving,

Christmas and Easter.

The legendary grand slam.

You guys,
I swear I didn't do it.

(funeral march playing)

Oh, I don't like the sound
of that funeral march.

Okay, I'll pay
for your damn band candy!

What was it, $1,700?

Forget the candy!

We're here to turn this...

into this.

Now do me wearing a sombrero.

(chuckles)

Now have me
sleeping under a cactus.

D'oh!

Hand over your son,

so we can administer
"Band Justice."

(plays dramatic music)

I know this looks bad.

And I admit, I would
totally lie in a second

to Lisa or Mom or Dad,

but I would never
lie to Maggie.

I did not do that prank.

Wow, he passed the Maggie test.

And remember how
Maggie solved Cookiegate?

All too well.

To prove my brother's innocence,
I demand a youth court.

That's right!

Bart must not be judged
by these kids,

but by a jury, of kids.

Mostly these kids.

There's only so many kids.

(sighs)

I'm afraid once a youth court
has been demanded,

we are legally obligated
to shut down mob rule,

as decided in the case of
Rubber v. Glue

and reaffirmed by
I Know You Are v. What Am I.

Son, if there's one thing
I've learned

as a defendant and a juror,
it's stay out of the courtroom.

It's so frickin' boring.

Run, boy!

I'll create a distraction.

(playing
"Stars and Stripes Forever")

(tempo increases)

(music stops)

(music resumes)

(fireworks whistling, popping)

(music ends)

Anyone can conduct Sousa.

Good news, bad news:

we're allowed to
select the judge,

but it's impossible to find
one who doesn't hate you.

I know someone who would
make a great judge.

Would you kids
believe your Grampa

once argued
in front of the Supreme Court?

- No.
- Sorry.

Not a chance.

I mean, it's true.

It was back in 1998.

I say individual rights.

I say the common good.

WOMAN: Gentlemen,
our system balances both.

Oh, yeah, and how
would you know?

Attorney General Janet Reno?

That's right.

And that better not
be your gum on the ground.

Uh, it's not, but
I'll take care of it.

Stop doing that.

(chuckles)

This is better than being a real
attorney or a real general.

The attorney general and
I have been playing chess

through the mail ever since.

I find that
a little hard to believe.

Yeah, why would you
play chess through the mail

when you can play chess
through the Internet?

Or preferably,
not play chess at all?

See here, sass mouth,

you're not too big
for me to tan your hide.

It's not a threat
if I don't know what it means.

I'll fix your wagon!

Thanks.
I'd like that.

(muttering)

(scoffs)

I get a whiff of the immigrant
from these newfangled superheroes.

Hmm.

Reclusive millionaire,
stately mansion, damaged psyche.

(chuckles)

He's just like me.

Smithers, I, too, shall become
a crime-fighting bat.

Hmm.

But I won't become just any bat.

I shall be the terrifying bat
who swoops from the sky

and sucks the vital essence
of his prey.

I shall be Fruit Bat Man!

Great, great.

I-I don't suppose you'll be
forgetting about this tomorrow?

No sooner than I'd
forget my own mother.

That's not your mother,
that's your bear.

Well, then, where's
my stuffed mother?

All right, you soft-skulled
nitwits, sit up straight,

because we finally have someone
in this school

who deserves your respect:

former Attorney General
Janet Reno.

(sparse applause)

Thank you, Gary.

(gasps)

Grampa's story was true?

First, I would like to say,
rook to E-8. Checkmate.

Dagnabbit!

(laughs)

Youth court is now in session.

God, I love gaveling.

Mr. Prosecutor?

Over the next few days,
you're going to hear

how the defendant,
Bartholomew Simpson,

aka the Springfield Egger...

Objection!
Prejudicial!

Sustained.

(giggles)

She sustained me.

How Bartholomew Simpson wantonly

egged this town
with Milhouse aforethought.

Now, hold on.

Principal Skinner,
are you wearing hard-soled shoes

on this gym floor?

No, ma'am. Sneakers.

You're wearing sneakers
to a trial?

Oh, God, the press is gonna have
a field day with this.

Yay, field day!

I can go cuckoo and
no one can stop me!

That's exactly what George W. Bush
said when he was inaugurated.

People don't remember that.

This case is going great.

Although as usual, I look nothing like
the courtroom artist's drawing.

BART:
Nice try, Pop.

Very dramatic, sir.

A little more brooding, and...

there's my superhero.

Now let's get you to bed and...

Hist. Look there.

This looks like a job
for Fruit Bat Man.

(screeches)

Perhaps we should, uh,
just call the police.

The police? Bah!

Every last man on the take.

And I should know,
because I'm on the give.

I've never felt more alive!

Look, I'll give you each
$1,000 if you pretend to let

that old man out there
stop this crime.

Mm.

Mm.

Feel the crumbling
fist of justice!

(grunts)

Ouchers.

Oh, dear.

Who are you, mysterious
octogenarian of the night?

I am the squeak in the rafters,

the flutter in the chimney,

the tiny teeth
marks in the peach.

I am Fruit Bat Man.

Now back to my natural realm,
the inky night.

D'oh!

I'll just take one of
these key chain penlights.

You have to keep
squeezing this thing?

Who has the strength for that?

So when I came in,
the Monday after Easter,

I noticed
three dozen eggs missing.

And do you think this boy
took those eggs?

Him? All he takes are sodas
and desserts.

Objection! Unhealthy!

But could Bart have
gotten those eggs?

No way.

They were under lock and key.

(gallery gasps)

No one could have touched
those eggs

except me and the seagulls
that laid them.

No further questions.

Ah, to be young and on trial.





(yells gibberish)

A toast to our enigmatic
new protector,

who certainly isn't me.

Smithers, wink my eye.

Want to hit the
hot tub, Burnsie?

Well, I hate to get all pruney,

but heated tubbery is
what we playboys do.

Great work, everyone.
That's a wrap.

It's nice to make an old man
feel good about himself.

You said it.

So Bart couldn't
have taken the eggs.

I was with him
the whole weekend.

You'd make up any lie for that
Simpson boy, wouldn't you?

Yeah, but I'd pee my pants.

Nelson.

Dry as a bone.

(sighs)

Now, that's what I call

"legal briefs."

Why are you here?

I thought of the joke
and rushed over.

Your Honor,
I think we've seen enough.

I have demolished the
prosecution's claims

and made the prosecutor
sweat through two shirts.

I move that you dismiss
this case

and release this
sweet, lovable boy.

Motion denied.

(gasps)

Miss Simpson,

your grandstanding summation
contained a grievous error.

By calling your brother
sweet and lovable,

you opened the door to testimony

from anyone who doesn't think
he's sweet and lovable.

The prosecution calls
everyone in the world!

(gallery gasps)

Mr. Szyslak,

what name did the defendant
ask for

when he called you at your bar?

He asked for, um...

(clears throat)

...Mike Rotch.

And then what did you say?

Well, I said, um...

I said, "Mike Rotch." Um,

"Mike Rotch."

And then I...

(sobbing):
I'm sorry.

Take all the time you need.

I, uh, I, uh, I yelled out,

"Has anybody seen
Mike Rotch?"

(gallery murmuring)

See, they...
(sobs)

See, they thought I was asking
if anybody wanted to see...

my-my...

Oh, man, this is so painful.

(sobbing):
My crotch.

(gallery gasps)

Thank you
for your bravery today.

I just had to make sure that he never
did this to another bartender.

Pass the gravy,
Gloria All-Wrong.

The trial's not over, and
gravy is dead animal juice.

Hmm?

Hmm.

Just remember this:
a Simpson never gives up.

(laughter)

You got to be kidding!

(knocking)

(tires screech)

(gasps)

A civilian.

She mustn't know I'm a hero.

Gouge her eyes out.

Mr. Burns,

I came here because my brother
is about to be wrongfully convicted,

and the man I'm looking for

would help me find the truth.

Don't you get it?

I don't care who you are
or what you want.

(groans)

Now get lost.

(groans)

I think you just sent away
the first person

you could have actually helped.

What do you mean, "actually"?

I've punched out four Homer Simpson
shaped burglars tonight alone.

All those crooks were fakes,
set up by me.

(gasps)

Even the Abominable Dr. Lenny?

No, he was a happy accident.

But the rest were
fakes, just like you,

a man who claims to be a
hero but is nothing more

than a fraud with
a cute little bod.

They're calling for you, sir,
but who's gonna answer?

MAN:
Ah!

What the hell is that?!

And so I've learned that
the only true Batmen

are Christian Bale
and Adam West.

Why are you washing
Bumblebee Man's pants?

I volunteered to wash the egg
stains off everyone's clothes.

It's one of those things you say
and hope nobody takes you up on it.

- That's odd.
- What's odd?

This skirt has a small splatter.

- Splatter?
- Splatter as if the egg

had been crushed
against it by hand.

- I don't follow.
- Like someone faked being hit,

so they wouldn't be a suspect.

Interesting,
except you missed one thing.

What's that?
It's not a skirt.

It's a kilt!

Oh, the wood chipper.
Is there any sweeter music?

MARGE:
Why'd you do it, Willy?

(screams)

Because the world is better
off with four fewer Welshmen!

Wait, what are we
talking about?

This kilt says you framed
my brother.

Why?

Because I hate Easter.

You see, ladies, I'm not
just a Presbyterian,

I'm a Scottish
Old Believer Presbyterian!

Old Believers don't recognize holidays
not celebrated by the original apostles,

especially one named after

the pagan god, Eostre!

But how did you get the key?

I made sweet love
to Lunchlady Dora,

then copied the key
as she slept.

(snoring, metal grinding)

Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Now, as for your evidence...

(cackles)

Behold, the pointed
ears of justice.

Ah! A human fruit bat!

(engine starts)

(gasping)

You're so light.
It's like fighting a silk scarf!

Or a kimono sash!

Yes, feel the weightless
tickle of justice.

(gasps)

(screams)

(engine chugging)

Which side won?

Good or evil?

Good.

And which side was I on?

Also good.

(chuckles): Well,
there's two surprises.

Will the defendant please rise?

It's amazing how much exercise
I've gotten from those words.

MR. BURNS:
Pause the inquisition!

(gallery gasps)

Behold the real
egg-flinging fiend.

Aye, 'tis true.

I pulled the prank, for
some daft Scottish reason.

I'd fire that man if he weren't
so damned good at what he does.

We have a school
full of professionals, sir.

Really? Where
is that school?

Inside your head?

Another mystery solved
by Attorney General Janet Reno.

Case dismissed.

(cheering)

You saved me, Lis.

For the rest of my life, you'll
always be my one phone call.

Aw, but I do hope you'll try
to be good from now on.

Don't need to;
I got you.

(gavel bangs)

Children, let me be clear.

Despite what happened here,

last minute confessions,
shackled Scotsman

and meddling billionaires are
not how the legal system works.

Well, the last one is.

Today, you were truly a hero.

- Thank you.
- Excellent.

You know,
if you're gonna be a hero,

you might not want to tent
your fingers like that.

Is this better?

Maybe you should wrap your hands
behind your head.

Maybe I should wrap them around
your gabby little throat.

Ah! Tenting, tenting!
Back to the tenting!

(phone ringing)

Acquitted?

Then my nightmare isn't over!

(sobbing)

(phone ringing,
sobbing continues)

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

Well, Fruit Bat Man,
it seems you're no match for me,

the Abominable Dr. Lenny!

(laughs maniacally)

Gentlemen,
this threat is too great

for just one elderly hero.

We have no choice
but to activate

The Octogenarian Initiative.

The Rambler...

And then there was the time
I taught a dog to make oatmeal.

(snoring)

...Early Bird,

Hot Flash,

Iron Lung.

It is time to pull up...

The Dependables.

I open one, no trump.

Double.

You've just made
a powerful enemy.

Shh!