The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 24, Episode 15 - Black-Eyed, Please - full transcript

♪ The Simpsons 24x15 ♪
Black-Eyed, Please
Original Air Date on March 10, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

D'oh!

Hmm?

You little!

Mm?

Hmm?

Mmm.

Everybody out.

Everybody in.

Bathroom break!



I spilled my pills!

Music today
has no melody!

Everybody out!

Children, you can stop
writing letters of support

to our troops;
that was just busywork.

Now, I want to explain
Miss Hoover's absence.

She is suffering from severe...

...depression.

Not to worry,

she has been treated
with heavy doses of...

Lorazepam and other drugs
from the...

Benzodiazepine family.

Now, until Miss Hoover returns,

this class will be getting
a permanent substitute.



Please let it be
someone smart, motivated,

and who won't just teach us
corporate-sponsored lessons.

Lisa, without
corporate sponsorship,

we wouldn't be able to teach you
the three R's:

reading, refreshment
and Raspberry Buzz Lite.

Get your razz on!

Confident,

Vassar sticker
on the windshield.

Could it be?

Do I detect enthusiasm?

She's brought
her own orrery!

And it's got no Pluto!

How cutting edge.

Please be her,
please be her.

Is this
Ms. Hoover's class?

Score!

Meet your new teacher,
Ms. Cantwell.

Do not call her by
the obvious dirty nickname.

Now I must meet with

the new art teacher,
Mr. Testacleese.

Lisa Simpson. Hi.

As second grade
student-faculty liaison,

I'd like to welcome you...
Get back in your seat.

If I have any apples
that need polishing,

I'll let you know.

I understand there are
homework assignments.

Mm.

Well done, Ralpa.

If I can't remember
the right letter,

I just put an "A."

Well, here's another one.

Well, while you're grading
so generously, here's mine.

"B."

As in, "because I say so."

Nothing brings them around
like old cafeteria meatballs.

Meat?!

I thought you might
be cold, honey,

so I put this
chinchilla coat on you.

Fur?!

It's not really
chinchilla.

I just thought she
needed more sleep.

Hey, Flanders.

Can I borrow some sugar?
Sure.

Uh, a little cream?
Goes with the sugar.

Now if you could make with
some bacon and eggs,

I'll be on my way.

Why don't you come on in
and have breakfast with us?

Are your kids
gonna be there?

Eh, for a little bit.

Okay.

Homer, you know my parents,
Capri and Nedward.

Hey, hey, Homer J.

How many beers did
you kill today?

Dad, don't encourage him!

Son, you are
the Mayor of Dullsville.

Now, you know we don't
discuss politics at the table.

Hello, police?

I'd like to report
a buzz-kill in progress.

There's no
emergency here.

And please charge us
for the false report.

I'm going out for a power walk.

Whoa, this room just got
a whole lot cooler.

Oh, man.

Okay, children,
ten minutes of free play.

I'm a fun factory.

Lisa, free play.

But I am playing.

I'm hop-scotching
from paragraph to paragraph,

climbing the monkey bars
of plot and theme.

Ugh, bull-pie.

You're trying to get
ahead of the other children.

That's it,
you're losing joeys.

Please keep them together.

If not for me, for the mother.

Is it possible I've met
a teacher who doesn't like me?

The joeys go in feet first.

Chauncey!

Six miles, and I'm all smiles.

Whew.

Funyuns?

Little Debbies?

That's cross-legged music.

Look at the size
of that bird.

I'd go Henry VIII
on those drumsticks.

Homer, I can't believe

you're partaking with
my parents.

Yeah, it's medicinal.

We had a pain in our neck.

I didn't know
you were left-handed.

Homer, you'll need to
wear this eye patch

for a couple weeks.

And, uh, you may never
see a film in 3-D again.

But the storytelling

is finally catching up
to the technology.

Ned Flanders.

I can't believe
you struck my husband.

Marge, I've been
racked with guilt and pain.

My mustache fell out;
this is a clip-on.

Sorry, Homer.

Now, do you mind
if I pray at your bedside?

No, I don't.

If you pray to Superman.

Not praying to a character
in a comic book.

What about Christian
Archie comics?

Neither canonical nor comical.

Here, I'll get you started.

Hail Superman, wearing tights,

Clark Kent be thy name,

one nation, under Zod...

Not praying to Superman.
Grouch.

Ned, Homie's a little
cranky right now.

More than his eye,
I think you hurt his feelings.

Give him one of your
famous murmurs, Marge.

My what?
Your famous murmur.

You know.

I never made
that noise in my life!

Thanks, Flanders.

Punch my eye,
destroy my marriage.

Now just pull the plug
and let me die!

That's the plug
for the light.

Neddy, I know you feel guilty
about coldcocking Homer.

Please don't use
that word in bed.

You need to get
some sleep.

Dare I take another sleep aid?

Better not take a full dose.

Mmm. See you in eight hours.

Was this always waiting for me,

or was it recently
thrown together?

That's what I want to know.

♪ Hey-diddly hell-diddly

♪ Welcome neighborino

♪ Hey-diddly hell-diddly

♪ Welcome neighborino

Down here, we worship
famous atheist Richard Dawkins,

author of The God Delusion!

I'm making Catholic
saint stew.

No, not Surf 'n Murph.

The answer to my woe
must be in here.

♪ Whoo

♪ Let's get it on

Nope, not that.

Not to my taste.

Flag that for later.

Finally.

I know what I must do.

Ms. Cantwell?
Yes?

Why are you so mean to me?

You really want to know?

More than I want unicorns
to be real.

Well, if you guess,
I'll give you extra credit.

I remind you of you?

Now you've got a demerit.

This class
doesn't give demerits.

Now it does,
and you just got another one.

What if I homeschool?

You're bluffing;
I've driven by your home.

Principal Skinner...

Not now.

I'm dealing with
Mr. Testacleese.

Look, kids can be
cruel, Dick.

Ha-ha!

We don't know
when we've gone too far!

"Ann, Mark, Bill and Sally
are on the Ferris wheel.

"Ann is behind Sally.

Mark is
in front of Bill."

Look who's on the Ferris wheel.

Your precious joeys!

Better switch to social studies.

"Eleanor Roosevelt became
Franklin's eyes and ears and..."

Here's the new
deal: you fail!

Oh!

I wish you wouldn't
wear sweaters

that the senior
ladies knit.

Well, putting my arms
in sleeves

is about all I got
to offer a woman.

Oh.

What's the matter, sweetie?

Is a book character
having difficulties?

I have a bully at school.

Oh. Did you tell the teacher?

My bully is my teacher.

A teacher can't be a bully.

Oh, they sure can!

When I was a boy,

teachers would rap my knuckles
with a yardstick.

Now you've got
the metric system.

We don't have the metric system.

What? This isn't Sweden?

And I'm not King Olaf?

Oh, I got some explaining to do
down at the bank.

Skinner!

Why am I here?

Did this fat boy injure his eye
in shop class?

That place is a killing field.

We're here because

our daughter is being
bullied by your teacher.

Mrs. Simpson, this school
does not hire bullies.

That's right. We...

Quiet, nerd!

Well, she's just a substitute.

Maybe you could transfer
Ms. Cantwell to another school.

Nix. She's already got
two weeks tenure,

so she's impossible to dislodge.

I hate unions.

There's this guy at my plant,
caused three meltdowns,

and he still
keeps his job.

Homer, that's you.

Oh, yeah.

I say,
"Union," you say, "Power"!

Union!
Power.

Union!
Power.

Marge, you're really
dogging it on the "power."

But don't worry.

Because of the
union, you're safe.

So, just what are you
gonna do for our daughter?

We should talk about what
we're going to promise to do,

not what we'll actually do.

We really
appreciate that.

Look at those eyes.

There's an employee with a
healthy case of the go-get-'ems.

Hear that lion's roar
of determination.

Homer, Homer, I
found the answer!

Wha...? Huh?

Flanders.
How did you get in here?

This place is
a highly-sensitive area.

Who here wants
to touch radiation?

"Life shall go for life, eye
for an eye, tooth for a tooth."

Hey, I don't go to where you
work and read the Bible to you.

I would embrace
such a glad visit.

Just what do you want?

I want you to punch
me in the eye.

If you do, then
we're even,

according to Exodus,
Leviticus and Matthew.

You went and hired
a law firm, eh?

That's pretty aggressive.

Jeepers creepers, pop my peeper!

Come on, man.
What's the catch?

Homer, just call me
a little bubble,

'cause I'm on the level.

Punch me.

Hmm.

Come on, Homer.

I'm insisting
on a fisting.

What's this
about a fisting?

I'm not punching you,
Flanders.

What? Why?

Because if I hit you back,
we'll be even.

But if I don't hit you,
that makes me the better man.

And I'm liking the way
that feels.

No, you can't.

If I'm not as good as you,
then I'm horrible!

It's not for me
to judge, Ned, because...

I am the better man!

Now, there's no need to...
Better man, coming through!

Way better-better-better!
Way better-better-better!

Zing!

Enough.

You may be the sweater man,
but Homer is the better man.

Now you're rhyming?!

Oh!

I didn't know
you were left-handed.

Hello, Lisa.

I was shocked to hear
from Principal Skinner

that you and I
aren't getting along.

You should never tell
on a bully, Lisa.

Everyone knows that.

Lisa Simpson?!

In detention?

Every rap sheet
has a first line.

What are you in for,
murdering Chopin?

Chopin.

Can I ask you guys something?

Why does someone become a bully?

Neglect.
Abuse.

I'm a Cubs fan.

But why would my teacher
be a bully?

What? Huh?
I don't know.

Your bully's
a teacher?

That means
all of us can be teachers.

Boo-yah!

I'm gonna buy me
a Hyundai Elantra!

Oh, cool!
Whoa!

Oh.

Do not cross.

It is that monster that
terrorizes the jolly fat man!

Come on, people.
You're safe as Sunday with me.

I wouldn't hurt a fly.

I saw the whole thing!

That innocent fly
flew from that fresh pile

of dog feces right into
that monster's mouth!

Fear not, people.

I will lead you safely across.

Idiot!

Help me, Flanders.

Never get into Heaven.

Took harp lessons for nothing.

And here comes the tarp.

The word "tarp," of course,
is short for "tarpaulin,"

which Wikipedia defines
as a strong,

resilient,
water-resistant material.

That definition is a hit
with no errors!

What's wrong, sweetie?

My teacher's
still bullying me.

Even after we came to school?

That just
made it worse.

Oh, every time
I try to fix things,

it just makes things worse.

But I'm gonna fix this.

Uh-huh.

I think I have an idea.

Now there's a baby duck
paddling around on the tarp.

You think they move those legs
one at a time or both at once?

Oh, I'd go with
one at a time, Vic.

You know, the great
Mel Ott used to raise ducks

in Louisiana
during the off-season.

And when a duck got sick,

he would take it to bed with him
till it got well.

Mm-hmm.

Flanders, I've come
to forgive you.

Oh, my prayers
have been answered!

Well, actually,
just this one.

Uh, there is one condition.

You want to hit me.

Well, sir, here's
a roll of quarters

to put in your fist for
extra punching power.

Now, you can shatter
my orbital bone.

That'll knock the
wax off my candle.

Don't want to hit you.

I want your wife.

To elaborate,
I want your wife, the teacher,

to help get rid
of Lisa's substitute.

Edna? You know how you said
you could help me

with any desire,
and nothing was forbidden?

Well, sir, I want you
to rid of Lisa's bully teacher.

Ooh.

Well, there's only one
way: the nuclear option.

How much plutonium
do you want?

Got to warn you,

it might take me
20 minutes to get it.

Ms. Cantwell?
Yes?

I have a new student
for your class.

Yo.

Yes, this is
a very rare

mid-year two-grade
send-back.

Something's fishy.
Are you dating this boy?

Right.

I can't be around him
'cause he's so delicious.

Well, I can't see
what harm one kid could do.

When I come out of this,
I'll be a butterfly.

I just went to the bathroom
for two minutes.

I know.
Posted a video online.

Stupid Lisa, stupid Lisa,
stupid Lisa.

Okay, you've won.

You've driven
me out of this

plum substitute
teaching job.

Ms. Cantwell,
I can make this stop.

All you have to do is like me.

I... I can't.

Wait, wait.

There's no need to leave.

You showed up before the
students; that's all we asked.

You two are the worst-dressed
gay men I've ever met.

Ms. Cantwell, wait!

I've got to know
before you leave.

Why don't you like me?

Lisa, sometimes you just
don't like a person.

There's no logical
explanation.

It just is.

That is so unsatisfying.

Here we go.

If you don't get what you want,
you get all pouty.

All you pretty girls
are the same.

You think I'm pretty?

Right, like you don't get told
that every day of your life,

with your perfect blonde hair,

that Kewpie doll voice
that drives the boys crazy.

And what eight-year-old
wears pearls?

Bookworms like me can't
stand party girls like you.

She hates me
because I'm pretty!

Not so pretty now,
are you?

Can you sign my yearbook?

I'm glad the only
beef between us

is this burger.

Mm, they sure are
getting along.

They don't know it,

but I slipped a
little

into the brownies
I gave them.

How long has it been since
we prayed together, neighbor?

This is praying?

Let me out of here!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Help me, God.

Shh!