The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 24, Episode 14 - Gorgeous Grampa - full transcript

♪

Do the Homer shake.

♪

♪== sync, corrected by elderman ==

♪ The Simpsons 24x14 ♪
Gorgeous Grampa
Original Air Date on March 3 2013

Hmm. I can't believe
you're reading

when there's so much
great stuff on TV.

Hmm, you're right.

It is the golden age

of well-written,
brilliantly-acted TV shows.

Writing is
for bathroom walls,



and acting is for
getting out of DUIs.

The only reason TV exists
is for reality shows

about white-trash scuzzbags
doing subhuman, made-up jobs.

Um... Oh. Ah.

Eek. Yikes. Oh.

Ew. Ugh. Well...

Ew. Ah. Dad!

No. Ah! Oh.

Seriously? Ah!

Ooh, jail music!

When storage lockers
are abandoned,

we open them up!

Our expert bidders face off
in the ultimate contest

to discover the amazing
treasures within.



This is Storage Battles!

I'll give it one marathon.

I don't care what people say,
I am feeling this unit.

No one feels out a unit like CJ.

Not Bubba,
not Debbie and Danny, no one.

Mostly worthless junk:

family photo albums,
home movies,

ah, kids' drawings.

Eh, just some nobody.

Here we go, here we go.

Bubble wrap.

If there's wrap, it ain't crap.

Bingo!

Antique bayonets.

Oh! I'm talking World War One,
Spanish American War.

Crimea, baby.

Well, if you found the right
buyer on the right day,

and he knew nothing
about bayonets,

you might sell them
for possibly $500.

Definitely $500.

$500!

Five hundy!

Five hundaminidos!

High-five me, Marge.

I want to know
what it's for.

Too late.

We're gonna get rich
off the poor and forgetful.

And dead people.

I bet I win a locker
full of treasure,

like a solid gold bar of silver
or Picasso's TV.

Oh, no, no, no.

It is I who will be watching
Picasso's TV tonight!

Looks like
you're not the only

predatory opportunist
in town.

There's other P.O.'s?!

Uh-oh, better put on
my game shades.

Do I hear $50? Let me get $50.

Oh, yeah!

$100. Is there $100 out there?

Looking for $100.
Thank you!

$150, $150.

Do I have $200?

$250. Do I hear...

$350.
Yarr!

Four. Do I hear $400?

$450.
Bidding!

$500.

$550.
Skinner!

$600.

$650.

$650 going once,
$650 going twice...

$1,000.

$1,000 going once, going twice.

Sold to the man who didn't
wait for the bidding

to get anywhere near $1,000!

In the money game,
cash is king.

We spent $1,000 on a
bunch of old boxes?

You won't be laughing
when these boxes

are full of
priceless treasures.

I wasn't laughing,
I was being worried.

Feather boas?

Mine's full of
hand mirrors.

I've got perfume spritzers.

Makeup and baby oil.

Tights? Robes?

Oh, this stupid locker must have
belonged to some old lady.

"Property of
Abraham J. Simpson"?

This is Grampa's stuff.

Why would my man-dad
have lady stuff?

It's not all lady stuff.

Look at all these
fitness publications.

Beefcake mags?

I think your dad might be gay.

Oh, that's insane.

My dad was
married to a woman

who left him because he ignored
her needs for decades.

Ah, my gay dad
is gay for gays.

I think this is great.

Old gay men
are adorable.

Like wrinkle dogs in a
wrinkle dog calendar.

Those are pretty cute.

Your dad's been in the
closet for so long,

he probably doesn't know how
tolerant society's become.

They even had a gay float
in the Pride Parade last year.

My dad has
always been so angry.

Maybe if we help him
be who he is,

he'll finally be happy.

Oh, Homie,

you're so enlightened.

Yeah, gay rights
are human rights, baby.

Are you sure you're not
just doing all this

because it's cool
to be accepting

of a gay family member?

Oh, honey, that's
just silly.

This'll show
Helen Lovejoy.

Always bragging about
her he-she cousin.

Abe, we found
your storage locker.

It's okay, Dad.

We know the truth,
and we love you.

What?!

The contents of that locker
are my private business!

Get out!

Just admit who you are,

and you can find new love.

If you don't
want to die alone,

come out of your room.

Love... love...

love... love...

Hi, Marge.

I was just taking Stanlerina
to get her hormone shots.

Oh.

Your father wasted
his whole life being married

to your mother
and having you.

We've got to find him a
boyfriend before it's too late.

Why don't you put a
personal ad on the Internet?

That's how young people
date these days.

It's weird that you don't

consider yourself
a young person.

I know.

It's weird to me, too.

"Help me out of the closet.

"Wonderful older man
seeks life partner

before rapidly-encroaching
death."

No fatties.

How about some fatties?

Fine.

Okay, post this under

"Men Seeking Men."

But what subheading?

Hmm, nothing too serious.

Here we go, "Casual Encounters."

Perfect! No pressure.

I hope someone
saw our ad.

If I can't find my father a man
to kiss and cuddle,

then I've failed as a son.

Someone's coming.

Are you
"Wrinkled and Romantic"?

Huh? What the heck are you
talking about, Spectacles?

Oh, I've been hung up
on someone for years,

but I'm trapped
in the friend zone.

It's time for me to move on.

So move on.

You're blocking the ducks.

Don't you want
to be happy, Abe?

Admit who you are,
a wonderful gay man.

What?!

I don't ride sidesaddle!

I'm straight as a submarine!

Then how do you
explain this?

Oh, hello, Smithers.

Fancy seeing you
in Casual Encounter Park.

You're Glamorous Godfrey!

Who?

Glamorous Godfrey was the most
famous wrestler in the world.

And you are he!

Is this true?

Behold.

Look at
all this wrestling crap.

Ah.
Ay, caramba!

Fine, I was Glamorous Godfrey.

What's wrong?

I so wanted
him to be gay.

Well, on V.E. Day, I
kissed a man by mistake.

Thank you.

You were
a world-famous wrestler?

Spill the beans, old man.

Word beans!

Oh, all right, I'll tell you.

It was the 1950s.

Oh, those things?

It was the heyday
of pro wrestling.

You could make good money
if you were the manly mixture

of strong and fat
we called beefy.

Good guys were called
"baby faces."

And bad guys
were called "heels."

I was the king of the heels,
Glamorous Godfrey.

How dare he!

That was drinking milk!

My motto was "Always cheat."

But the thing that really drove
them crazy was my vanity.

You are the luckiest people
in the world.

You get to look at me.

Grampa, you were
the original bad boy.

Yeah, I was boastful before
all your football showboaters,

rap music-ers and
TV beach Italians.

But there was a down side
to being hated:

being hated.

Well, I just couldn't take it.

Being despised was
no way to live.

Pshaw!

Pshaw, I say!

Pshaw yourself!

Pshaw!
Pshaw!

Homer, do something!

They're killing each other!

Oh, yeah?

The world may have despised
Glamorous Godfrey,

but that conceited
mother-puncher was my hero.

Please, Abe, let
me buy you dinner

in exchange for a few
tales of the golden age

of professional
grappling.

Sorry, I been trying to forget
those days for 50 years.

But, Grampa,

I want to hear about
old-time wrestling, too.

Well, it looks like
you've made a new fan.

It'd be a shame to
let him down, hmm?

Fine.

One dinner.

Excellent.

So we'll take the boy
and make a night of it.

I don't know.

Should I really
let the men

who ruined my
past and present

hang out with the kid who's
going to ruin my future?

I'll bring you home
my dessert.

Text me the choices.

I can't believe I'm on the town

with Glamorous Godfrey
himself.

Tell me of your epic battle
with Swedish Olaf Johannsen.

Oh, yeah,
"The Fury of the Fjords."

You settled
that Swede's meatballs.

What I wouldn't give
to see Glamorous Godfrey

in action once more.

Would you ever consider

throwing your wig
back into the ring?

Go back to
being a villain?

Oh, forget that.

Being hated is the
worst feeling there is.

You've got it all wrong,
my friend.

Once you see it my way,

you'll understand
that being hated

is the greatest
feeling in the world.

♪ Don't really care
for chasing women ♪

♪ Never was keen on booze

♪ Don't take cocaine
or Mary Jane ♪

♪ No, I get drunk on boos...

Uh, that's B-O-O-S,
not Z-E as before.

Uh, we get it.

♪ Because...

♪ You've got to love
to be hated ♪

♪ Find the good in being bad

♪ Oh, the crowd is full
of gentlemen ♪

♪ But they've paid
to see the cad ♪

♪ Yes, it's a hoot,
a kick, a gas ♪

♪ When you're the villain
of the show ♪

♪ Once you wear black,
you'll never go back ♪

♪ It's a high to be loathed

♪ Chucky, Stalin, Megatron

♪ Eric Cartman, Donkey Kong

♪ Vader, Nader, Simon Legree

♪ Terminators,
one, two and three ♪

♪ Iago, Joker, Voldemort

♪ McEnroe on center court

♪ Mr. Burns and Skeletor

♪ Keep your good guys,
what a snore ♪

♪ When it's your head
they wanna sever ♪

♪ And your blood
they wanna shed ♪

♪ You know you're gonna
live forever ♪

♪ If everybody wants you dead

♪ So listen up,
because I'm giving ♪

♪ The best advice
you'll ever know ♪

♪ So feel the thrill

♪ I know you will

♪ It's a high to be

♪ Loa...

♪ ...thed!

I'll feel like
I'll live forever

as long as everybody
wants me dead.

Okay, Burns!

Glamorous Godfrey
will wrestle again!

That cocaine I ordered
is taking forever!

I can't wait to see Grampa
kick some ass.

He's always pretended
to be boring,

but he's really
a straight-up psycho.

Your grandfather
is not psycho.

The only thing he's
"straight-up" is loves you.

Gorilla Joe, Gorilla Sam,
Gorilla Pete,

Ook and Eek, the Gorilla Twins.

Where did Mr. Burns dig up
all these old wrestlers?

Apparently, old folks homes

are full of people
that used to be things.

Just like you and me.
Swear to God.

Welcome, aficionados
of the roped ring,

to a thrilling night
of senior-on-senior action.

Folding chairs!
Folding chairs!

Can't hit somebody when
they're not looking

without a
folding chair!

Can I have one?

Can I?
Fine.

Ha!

And now our main event.

In this corner,
Baby Face Palooka.

And entering the ring,

America's original
vainglorious bastard,

Glamorous Godfrey!

Yes,
feel the hatred.

It makes you strong,
powerful, alive.

You are the luckiest people
in the world!

You get to look at me!

You show 'em, Godfrey!

You're the prettiest
old man in the world!

Why do you think
bad guys are so cool?

Why do you still have
a thing for Nelson?

I'm not!
That's ridiculous!

I just...
it's that... he, uh...

He's a rebel,
and only I can change him!

It's so sad that
Grampa has to cheat

instead of relying on his
God-given wrestling skills.

What kind of person
revels in disapproval?

What kind of
person, indeed.

It's the prettiest boy
in Springfield, Bart Simpson!

What's going on?

You are the luckiest people
in the world!

You get to look at me!

Hey!

Hey, Simpson, tell your
kid to quit showboating.

I've never seen anyone
so full of self-regard!

And I've worked
with Bob Balaban!

Your behavior at that
game was unacceptable!

You're lucky they gave you
your participant trophy!

I got one
just for watching the game.

Listen, getting people riled up
is what heels do.

Heel? Oh, no.

Tell me you're not
trying to be like Grampa!

Well, sure I am.

I always thought
Grampa was lame,

but he's
really awesome!

Your grandfather
is super lame!

I mean, if he wasn't
a terrible father,

what's my excuse for this?

I know your grandpa
seems exciting now,

but all that preening
and cheating--

those turnbuckle antics are
not gonna make him happy.

Burnsy, I can't
remember the last time

I was so happy!

You grandson-
ruining fiend!

Look what your
number one fan

did at show-and-tell!

Wait. Ow.

Ah. Wait.

Who would film
such a thing?

It's found footage!

So what? We could use
another winner in this family!

How are you
a winner?

You're cheating
in a fake sport.

Fake? Ridiculous.

If professional wrestling
were fake,

that would make every fan
in the history of the sport

a complete and utter moron.

Mercy.

You know, I've always had
a keen eye for tiny talent.

Perhaps you and the lad
could tag-team up.

Wrestle with Bart?

Well, he ain't beefy,
but he is infuriating,

and you can't
teach infuriating.

Monty, you're
a genius!

Bart cannot be an
old-time wrestler!

As your inattentive son, and
your incompetent employee,

I forbid it!

Oh, why does everything
I forbid always happen?

So, Beautiful,
you got your moves memorized?

You know it,
Glamorous!

Eye gouge! Ear bite!
Folding chair!

Hair pull! Face-fart!
Flying face-fart!

And then I start
fighting dirty.

They're gonna
hate you so much.

Oh, I get it.

You're here to tell the kid he
can't wrestle with his grandpa.

I don't care if Bart
is a wrestler,

a busboy, or even
a stoplight squeegee man,

as long as
he's a nice person.

But if he gets too much
attention for acting bad,

he might turn bad
on the inside.

Eh, that's women-talk.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to comb out my curls!

One... two... three...

Beautiful Bart,
can I have your autograph?

Sure. Here you go.

Eh, hey, Bart,

leave some of that bad
attitude for the ring.

The world is my ring now.

In this corner,
for truth and justice,

Captain Flag and Half-Mast.

Now entering the ring,
the first family of foul play,

Glamorous Godfrey
and Beautiful Bart!

You all stink!

Glamorous Godfrey is dead!

I am Honest Abe!

And this is Laddie Liberty!

What are you doing?

I ain't a heel no more,
I'm a good guy.

And you're a baby-face.

But-but what about
the cheating?

No more cheating.

And the preening?

No more preening.

But I'm so pretty.

That's for others to say now.

What are you doing,
Godfrey?

You're a villain, not some
bullet-brained rail-splitter.

Without someone to hate, there's
no excitement, no thrill.

I don't care.
My grandson's soul is at stake.

How dare you.
I wrote a song for you.

When am I ever
going to use that again?

Curse you, and this
morbidly obese little half-wit.

So, they only want
to see a good guy

fight a bad guy, eh?

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa...

He's taking on Mean Man Monty!

Go get him, Honest Abe!

This is why we go to
everything in this town--

it always pays off.

Honest Abe,
can I pin him?

Ha-ha! You know it,
Laddie Liberty!

Damndest boos
I ever heard.

They're cheering, Grampa.

This is what I've been
missing my whole life.

Oh, that was so sweet.

I wish Grampa was my dad.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Shh!