The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 24, Episode 12 - Love Is a Many Splintered Thing - full transcript

Mary Spuckler returns to Springfield and begins a relationship with Bart. However, Bart treats her with disrespect.

D'oh!

♪ The Szyslaks.

Already cancelled.

♪ The Simpsons 24x12 ♪
Love Is a Many Splintered Thing
Original Air Date on February 10, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Everything I know about women

can be summed up
by a jump-rope rhyme:

"Girls go to Mars
to buy candy bars,

boys go to Jupiter
to get more stupider."

Except I didn't have to go
to Jupiter to get stupider.

I had a bigger ball of gas
I could study.



In three-tenths
of a mile, make a right turn.

Homer,
listen to the GPS.

Turn right
Homer, watch the road!

onto First Street, head east.
Not this road, the other road!

Ladies, please!

You can boss me around,
just one at a time!

On Main Street, turn right now...
Our Sunday drive is ruined!

Hands at
ten and two!

What are you doing?
It said turn left, not right.

Huh?

Huh?

Hmm.
What the...?

Switching to male voice...

...so you will obey.



Finally!
A supervisor!

Oh...

So the closest thing I had

to an adult male role model

were the schoolyard bullies.

Hey, Simpson!

I dare you to stick
this caterpillar

down that
girl's dress.

Can't I just stick it
in Skinner's sloppy joe?

It would actually be
the only meat in said Joe.

Not everything
can be solved

with Skinner
pranks, Bart.

Yeah, think outside
the Skinner box.

Hey, look,

that movie we were in

got short-listed for an Oscar.

Awesome!

Who's that stickin' a
fuzzy-wuzzy down my back?

Mary Spuckler!

♪ Lady

♪ I'm your knight
in shining armor ♪

♪ And I love you.

I thought you left
home to be a star.

There's a lot of
13-year-olds out there

with a voice
and a dream.

I only got work as a hand model.

Whoa.

That's your hand?

Just the thumb.
Did you miss me?

Get out of my face,
cootie breath!

I did miss you.

You stink!

Come over
Saturday.

I'm gonna have to push you
in the mud now.

Don't you pig-waller me,
mister!

Do what you must,
darlin'.

That sure makes up for my dad
beating me last night.

And for my
dyslexia.

Mary?

Thank God I wore the underwear

with the hole on the side.

It's 8:00
in the morning.

I'm a farm girl.

I already
milked the cows,

overcame a bout of
prairie madness,

and made you some
sausage and biscuits.

Rain is so romantic,
don't you think?

You get the picture.

Perfect girl.

So like a schmuck,

I treat her like day-old matzo.

Doctors Without Borders,

you're now doctors
without faces!

Bart, when are we
gonna do girl things,

like catch a frog
or leg wrestle?

Soon, baby, soon.

Let me just kill
Milhouse's character.

He thinks we're
on the same team.

Betrayed again!

Mary, could I steal
Bart for a minute?

Ask his girlfriend,
the game.

Oh, Mary, you know you're
the coolest person

I've ever hung out with.

Another betrayal!

Bart Simpson,

I don't know what the
future holds for you...

If you're lucky, me, then this.

...but, Bart, I do know this:

you will not do better
than Mary Spuckler,

so don't ignore her
for a stupid video game!

Hey, relax.

She knows she's the apple
of the corner of my eye.

Bart, do you mind
if I call my mother?

Not at all.

Mama!

Come pick me up, I'm bored!

You'll have to wait!

The mule's
takin' a nap!

We hope it's a nap.

Dinnertime!



Now, let's enjoy
the granola bars

that city fella
gave us

in exchange
for lettin' him go.

That'll teach him
to try to preserve

our folk singing for posterity.

Just wait till
my dad hears this

at 3:00 a.m. on NPR.

It'll prove I'm not
wasting my life.

You realize you just
ruined the recording.

A lot of musical
talent in this house.

But no one blows

on a blade of
grass like you.

Eight more payments
and I own this.

But are you sure
there ain't no video game

you'd rather be playin'?

All eyes on you, baby.

Well, tell your
eye-ears

to watch-listen
to this!

♪ I used to think
I wanted to roam ♪

♪ But there ain't
not never no place ♪

♪ None better than home

Count the negatives,
it all works out.

♪ They say that home
is where the heart is ♪

♪ But for me
it's where the Bart is... ♪

Now what are
you doing?

I wrote a whole song
for you, Bart Simpson.

Least you could do
is pay me full mind.

I was gonna enter it
in a competition.

!Ay, caramba!

Well, you're
gonna win,

'cause you've got
star quality.

Like the Hulk in movies
other than The Hulk.

You know what?

Every now and then you
say the perfect thing.

Mary, it's our turn to
use the boyfriend room.

Y'all don't have boyfriends.

We's gonna
practice kissing

with this French-Canadian
mountain man.

Pourquoi m'avez-vous amené ici?

He's still wearing leg shackles.

All men is
unpolished stones.

Ou est le whisky que vous
m'avez promis?

And then I ran
right home to you.

You did everything
great, Bart.

Then you told me
all about it

like a true
gentleman.

I can't wait to use
your moves on Lisa.

Ew!

On every level, ew!

Bart, you have to treat girls
like they matter,

not like they're
a bunch of Milhice.

What?
It's the plural of Milhouse.

Look it up.

Listen to your sister, boy.

What I'm saying applies
to you, too, Dad.

What are you talkin' about?

Marge and I are goin' great.

Homer Simpson!

Did you take
Maggie to Moe's?

It was during
Happy Hour.

Don't you want our baby
to be happy?

Don't you see?

You're taking women for granted.

And aside from being lumped
together and generalized about,

it's the one thing
all women hate.

How can something

that applies to Bart
apply to me?

I'm so much older and wiser.

More like balder and wider.

Why you little...

I'll teach you

to say something
that sounds similar!



Thank you,
last contestant.

Tomorrow we will feature the
no-longer racist country comedy

of Barry the Satellite TV Guy.

Isn't it funny how all people
are of equal worth?

Please do not boycott
my line of power tools.

Now all Barry's jokes
are about his ex-wife.

No, they ain't.
We're back together.

Then you got no act.

And now, the winner is...

Devon Peacock!

I can finally get
my suspender buckled!

Looks like we got a feud
with the Peacocks now.

Uh-huh.

All I care is what
you think, Bart.

Compliment her.

I don't know what she wants.

What would my heroes say?

Slash her face
now, Bart.

Slash it while she
least expects it.

Bart, tell Mary
to play the drums...

the only thing anyone
listens to in any band.

It's hard to pick
just one of those.

Bart, you'd better get
your act together.

And me, too.

I've gotta get these shirts
to the dry cleaners.

They close at 6:00.

Bart Simpson, you
get out of that

gosh-darned fugue
state this instant.

Lift my spirits!

Um... lifting people's spirits

is an interesting topic.

For centuries, Neanderthal
and astronaut alike

have enjoyed lifting spirits.

You're givin' me
book report talk.

Excuse me, I am a
Brazilian record producer.

I concentrate
in the rapidly-growing

jug band-samba fusion market.

Oh, my God!

Do you know Billy-Bobaloo
Skeeter-Rodriguez?

Know him?

Before he was famous,
he kidnapped my mother!

Mary, would you like
to have dinner with me

and my handsome,
girl-crazy son tonight?

I am the
first boy

to get my own
liquor ad.

Bart, you want to
come with us?

I need you.

Mary, we've just been through
three hours of music.

Usually, I only have music
one hour a week,

and the teacher
spends it reading

real estate listings
for Fire Island.

I'll see you
later, Bart.

Mary, are you okay?

Sure.

Everything's fine.

At that moment, I had a vision

of every time in my life

an angry woman would say
"Everything's fine."

I guess it's just me
and the dog.

Everything's fine.

Now.

Melvis?

Where's Mary?

I brung you regrets
from my sister.

She has been
de-avoidably untained.

Am I getting dumped?

Okay, Bart, maybe you blew it
by taking Mary for granted.

Woman are life's
great mystery, along with

why do they give you salt and
pepper at a Chinese restaurant?

But if you want one more shot,

I know a date that will turn
this mighty Aphrodite

into your purple rose
of Cairo.

Those are movies I made.

It's my oeuvre.

It sounds dirty,
but it's not.

Everyone's fast asleep.

It's like my second
wedding night,

except more walkouts
and there were no refunds.

Gee...

Can I see you
tomorrow night?

Sure, I'll be here
with my other boyfriend.

He's watching us now.

Oh, boy.

Okay, Luann,
it's all settled.

We're gonna ditch Milhouse.

Bart, I think it's best
if we take a break.

Good idea, I can chuck
eggs at the other couples.

Just hug me, dummy.

Back pats?

This is a breakup.

You'll be fine.

There's a pot
for every possum.

Give me another chance.

I'll be way more attentive
to your needs on the seesaw.

I'll stay down there
for as long as you want.

Sorry, Bart,
I'm a hillbilly girl of 13.

If I'm not married
in the next few months,

nobody's gonna want me.

Not even old Joe Clabby.

Hey, you're a pretty
little thing, you are,

but ticktock, ticktock.

Good-bye, Bart.

Aw, sweetie.

I told you this would happen
if you dated outside the family.

Mm-mm-mm.

Move along,
relationship's over.

Sure do like forcing
people to leave areas.

Yeah.

I was the only without a date

at Patty's new lady friend's
travel bookstore soft opening.

You told me it was up to me
if I wanted to go.

You should know that me saying
I don't care

means I couldn't care more.

I am sick and tired of trying
to decode you like you're some

kind of human being
separate from myself.

Bart, would you
go to your room

while your father and I
finish our little talk?

Little talk?

You guys are having a big fight.

This is the problem with women--
they don't say

what they mean
until it's too late.

All right, fine.

If you boys want it, I'll
tell you what I really think.

Finally, we're
getting somewhere.

You're both
in the doghouse,

which is misleading
'cause I still like the dog.

Hand me my suitcase, boy.

When do I get
a Krusty suitcase?

When you're older.

So this is where you go
when Mom kicks you out?

You're saying it like
it happens all the time.

And by the way,
the paint's a little faded

on my parking spot.

You call this a platinum
club experience?

We'll get right on it,
Mr. Simpson.

I told you a thousand times,
call me Homer.

Oh, what's this notice
on the wall?

Standard hotel boilerplate.

It just says somebody died in
this room in the last 72 hours.

Aw, man, we
just missed it.

Oh,
it'll happen again, son.

Um, I've got to make
a phone call.

Eh, knock yourself out.

D'oh!

Not again.

Mary? Ooh, that's odd.

I thought I was calling
the Suicide Not Line,

because I'm doing great.

So, um, how are you
handling taking a break?

Great.
Turns out Adele was right.

Ain't nothing better
for songwriting

than when your relationship
takes a bolt to the brain.

Tell me what you think.

♪ I broke up with a fella

♪ But I ain't grieving

♪ He was much too proud

♪ Of underachieving

♪ I can't believe I liked him

♪ I must have been blind

♪ He wasn't so smart
or handsome ♪

♪ Or kind

♪ Every moment with that boy

♪ Was totally horrid

♪ And I can't even tell where
his hair meets his forehead ♪

Why did I buy her
that rhyming dictionary?

♪ My eyes are wide open

♪ Now I see his warts

♪ I wish him well,
down in hell ♪

♪ Where he'll eat
his own shorts. ♪

It just poured out of me
like venom from a snake.

I had this idea years ago,

but your mother
wouldn't let me do it.

shows how much she...

It's hurting my eyes!

It's so great here--
no wife to get mad at you

for closing your laptop whenever
they walk into the room.

Or getting your kid
hooked on pot.

She's my kid,
too, you know.

You know what we need?

A classic "kicked out
of the house" party.

Now, who's got a rocking CD?

I've got the audio book

of Robert Caro's
The Passage of Power.

That's it?

Well, then let's "power"
this party up.

Air Force One,

the president's plane,
is divided behind

the crew's cockpit
into three compartments.

In the first of them,
just behind the cockpit,

women sat weeping
and Secret Service agents

were trying
to hold back tears.

"You've heard
of strong men crying?

Well, we had it there that day,"
recalls a reporter.

As the pilot lifted the big jet
off the Dallas runway,

in a climb so steep
that to a man...

I miss Mary.

I miss Roxie.

That's the club where I used
to smoke pot with my kid.

This calls for decisive action.

Like LBJ's use of the period
of mourning following

the assassination to push
through the Civil Rights Act.

But how do we figure
out what to do?

The same way Hollywood does.

By watching British movies.

The Prime Minister,

that is to say, I would like

to make an emergency declaration

of love to my poor

but cheeky secretary.

What, me?
Eliza Commonbottom?

I... that is to say...

Flibberty-gibberty.

♪ Ah

♪ All the young dudes
♪ Hey, dudes

♪ Carry the news
♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Boogaloo dudes...

Love is more powerful
than all my magic.

Hard to believe that country
used to rule anything.

Agreed, but to win
back our women,

we need to make
a grand romantic gesture.

Hear, hear.

After we finish
watching the movie.

♪ Carry the news

♪ All the young dudes

♪ Carry the news

♪ Let's hear the news,
come on. ♪

Hmm, cursive.

"You are invited to

a grand gesture"?

Ooh.

♪ I wrote this song
to say I'm sorry ♪

♪ Dad, don't be
a credit hog ♪

♪ The melody is
by Beethoven ♪

♪ Not bad
for a movie dog ♪

♪ I'll stop eating
from the garbage ♪

♪ Marge, you will get
the last pork chop ♪

Oh...

A completed chore list.

And I promise
to do the things

I checked off
within a year.

♪ Spuckler Mary,
please forgive me ♪

♪ All I ask
is one more chance. ♪

Bart, you're a good duck,

but we wouldn't last.

But I'm the main guy
in this story.

Things are supposed
to work out for me.

Everyone is the main guy
in their own story.

My friend, welcome
to my story.



And that's when I learned

Cupid was just a fat, naked jerk
with an arrow.

But surely you didn't give up
on love after just one setback?

Love is our only defense
against the abyss

in this meaningless universe.

Love-- what is it?

What does it mean?
How do you spell it?

No one knows.

Fortunately there is a cure.

Any video game ever made.

Remember, this game

is for age 14 or under.

If you are older than that,
please get help.

Get help, get help.

Married?

One message received from...

The widow Mary Spuckler.

Whoo-hoo!

Well done, Bart.

You played that
like a combination

of Willie Mays
and Paul Cézanne.

Who are you?

I... you know,
I-I played the ant

in Antz, the lesser known
of the ant movies.

Oh, yeah.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==