The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 24, Episode 11 - Changing of the Guardian - full transcript

D'oh.

(grunts)

♪ The Simpsons 24x11 ♪
Changing of the Guardian
Original Air Date on January 27, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

(thunder booming)

"In this exciting strategy game,

"you amass resources--
timber, salt fish and wax--

"to fund the syndicate
to gain influence

with the Doges of Venice."

Doges?
Why do we have to play

this stupid game Lisa likes?



I don't like this game.

Nobody likes this game.

Even the kids on the box
look bored.

They're miserable.

We have to do something
until the storm passes.

Now, just fill out
these customs forms,

and we can get started.

(gasps)
Twister!

No! Whenever we play that,
my elbow touches Dad's junk.

No! Outside the house!

(all screaming)

(grunts)

(grunting)

You live like this?



Ooh, dear Lord,

if thy tornado must take me,
please let it take me to Oz.

But don't let Flanders
be the scarecrow.

(gasps)
We made it, boy.

(yelping)

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

This counts as a walk!

The tornado took
old what's-his-name.

I'm going after him.

No, Homie, it's too dangerous.

(knocking on glass)

Hey, Homer, we were just
doing a little storm chasing.

Lenny, take us with
you to find our dog.

It's okay, Marge,
they're professionals.

What? 'Cause they
rented a van

and taped an antenna
to the top?

(scoffs)
Not just any tape.

Duct tape.

Oh, all right.

But I'm coming with you to make
sure no one does anything stupid.

Don't worry, Marge,
we bought a ton of safety gear

from a highly-respected
storm chaser's widow.

(gasps)

It's not what you're thinking.

He died of a heart attack.

Yeah, 80 feet up in the air.

Behold, the awesome
nonsense of nature.

Okay, the tornado
that took your dog

looked like an F3
moving westerly.

I guess you do know
your weather.

Ha! That means a lot

coming from such an
attractive woman as you.

I'd say she's prettier
than a surface hoar.

Hey!

Surely, you didn't misunderstand
my usage of "surface hoar."

The sublimation of ice crystals

that's colder
than a frost point.

Maybe.

Look, you guys
obviously know about weather,

but I understand something
much more predictable:

women.

What women really want
is a guy who's confident enough

to go completely downhill
after marriage

and know she'll still love him.

I'll tell you what
women really want:

a man who can hold a
note the longest.

That is the stupidest...

One, two, three, go.

(all holding single note)

(all continue holding note)

Homer, you do not
have to compete

with your friends for me.

I would never do that.

(resumes vocalizing)

Enough with the singing.
(all stop vocalizing)

Fine, but I swear, I will
win you back from Lenny.

'Nado!

Ooh.

It's like God's vacuum cleaner.

(laughing)

We're cutting it kind of close.

Not to worry-- we're
safe in the van.

Anyone want their seat warmer?

(gasps)
It's gone.

Help me, God.

What is it I'm paying you for
every Sunday?

(Marge screaming)

Can... always use...

a good babysitter.

I was just 27 years
from retirement!

Oh, my God,
the twister got Carl,

my best friend in the world.

I can barely remember
what he looks like.

He was a black guy,

but his voice sounded
like a white guy.

Hey, excuse me for
wanting to fit in.

And here comes
Santa Little Helper.

Homie, we made it.

(both scream)

Oh, my God.

NELSON:
Ha ha!

You're trapped in there good.

Once again, the big banks
stick it to the little guy.

(both grunting)
Come on.

- Are you pushing?
- Yes, it won't give.

(sighs)

I don't know if we're going
to be able to get out.

(squeaking)

What are you writing?

Maybe the last words
I'll ever write.

Oh.

Lenny, you calling for help?

Let them have their moment.

Kent Brockman here
at death's revolving door.

Police have arrived on the scene

after having fled the state
at the first sign of the storm.

Bulletproof,
as I somewhat suspected.

But don't you worry,

we're having
a very expensive crane

brought in from Shelbyville.

What is this, a bird?

It's a bird known as a crane.

And it got very sick
on the way over.

Well, our top priority

is making sure that
bird gets well.

Hey! Hello!

As for you, your only hope

is this glass cutting guy
from the hardware store.

You guys want to come out
in a plain circle

or a kind of a rosette shape?

Just cut the glass.

Everybody wants it done
yesterday. (chuckles)

(groans)

WIGGUM: Uh, now we're
ordering some lunch.

Uh, want to go
halfsies on a pizza?

FYI, that means
you get one slice.

Okay, wise guy,
you get to pull out

the two corpses
when we're done.

Except for the face
full of glass

when the door
finally collapsed,

he did a pretty good job.

Found another one.

It was so scary
thinking something

might happen to you guys.

Mom, I am so glad you're alive.

Were you worried about me, boy?

Sure. Why not?

(stammers angrily)

Clearly, the boy's in shock.

(chuckling):
Oh, yeah, I'm a wreck.

- Stop being blasé.
- Never!

Now, I know you kids
are scared by what happened,

but it's bedtime.

Just go into your dark rooms
and shut your eyes.

(kids groaning)

Homie, if we did both die,

we've never named guardians.

The kids could end up
wards of the state.

Connecticut?

No, our state.

(screams)

Okay, you're right.

It's hard to imagine

anyone else
bringing up our kids,

but I think the choice
is obvious:

my dad.

Oh, you'd let me
have another chance

after the way I screwed
things up with you?

Eh, good point.

We'll find somebody else.

Yep, you're a big bag of blubber

soaked in worthless juice.

I got it, Dad.

Why I married you
I'll never know.

Oh, yeah?

The tornado was more of a father
to me than you.

Okay, how about my brother?
He's rich.

(beep)

(over answering machine):
Hi. You've reach Herb Powell.

I'm poor again.

(startled grunt)

There's really only one choice,

or should I say
two identical choices?

Sugar?

Oh, how very kind of you.

I'm not giving our kids

to these gravelly-voiced
super hags.

One lump, please.

Homer, my sister's adopted Ling,
and she's doing great.

We've been
tiger-mothering her.

Ling, music time.

♪

Ling, floor routine.

More syncopating.
Stick the landing!

And no resenting us ever.

That's some impressive
flute-nastics.

Shut up!
You can't praise her.

She'll think she's
smart and slack off.

Then all our loving
would be for nothing.

Mmm, maybe we'd better go.

Didn't you want to
ask us something?

Good-bye forever.

(whispering):
Help me.

I think it's time
to go off family.

KIRK: Luanne and I have gone
through some rough patches,

so to be seen as stable enough
to raise your kids, well,

it would be an honor.

You know what else
would be an honor?

Having a husband
who asks my opinion

before inviting in
three more mouths he can't feed.

Hey, Luanne, you
always asked me

what I saw in Vicky
at the Walgreens.

Well, I'll tell you
what I saw: not you!

You told me you didn't
even know her name.

Well, that's her name, okay?

BRANDINE:
Let me get this straight.

We have 17 kids,
and you want us

to take three more?

Anything new that wanders
into this house

winds up in the stew pot.

Hey, I'm so sorry, but
we just adopted a baby.

Give me back my pants.

I've got to get
back to my unit.

Someone's cranky.

All right, Marge, maybe we're

being a little too choosy
about who our kids

spend the rest of
their lives with.

We'll take what we can get.

(gasping)

Uh-oh.

I wonder if word has gotten out

that we're looking
for guardians.

(grunts, growls)

Ah!

Go! Go!

(tires squealing)

(beeping)

(people screaming)

(people screaming)

(people screaming)

(dog howling)

(people screaming)

(hums, grunts)

(Dr. Hibbert chuckling)

(airplane flying overhead)

All right, the coast is clear.

(relieved murmuring)

Wait a minute,
I live here. Aw.

Where are we going?

And why are we wearing
our good clothes?

With name tags on them.

Kids, there's nothing
to worry about.

(walrus barking)

But we're looking
at replacements

for your mom and me
if we should fail

to die together as a family.

Oh, I see. You guys
are trying to find

a couple of saps to take us

when Dad has a coronary
in the dead of night,

rolls over and crushes Mom.

This is not that,

and that
smart-alecky attitude

is exactly why
no one wants you.

Homer, dual incomes,
no kids at 2:00.

(gasps)
Ooh.

Okay, I'll nudge them
with the car.

We'll get a whole
"meet cute" thing going.

(gasping)

Aah! What the hell
are you doing?

Keith, relax.

Look at those
adorable children.

Hmm, I think I hear
a slight accent.

Mid-Atlantic.

(gasps) That's where they
filmed The Wire!

Step on it!

(tires squealing)

This is a pretty
important decision.

How about asking
that Japanese guy

who set the world record
for eating hot dogs?

He's like a successful
version of Dad.

(groans)

Maybe we should
just give up for now,

have some fried clams
and collect sea glass.

Wait, what about that couple?

They look pretty cozy.

That's Moe
and a bag of garbage.

Boy, cats sure breed a lot.
(meowing)

(yells)

Why would you do that to me

after I thought
about feeding you?

(grunts) Mmm.

(laughing)

Whoa, look at that guy.

Yo, I'm Mav.

Wow, a man's stomach
can be flat?

It's one of the, like,
awesome side effects

of being a pro surfer.

Wow.

Someone's smitten.

Whoa, way to shralp
the crispies, babe.

My wife, Portia.

Another surfer?

Environmental lawyer.

(sighing)

And in my free time,
I prosecute record companies

who withhold royalties
from elderly blues musicians.

(sighing continues)

(grunting)

Um, why don't we
discuss it over dinner?

Discuss what?

Things that
you're desperately missing

from your life
that you never knew you needed.

Cool. See you at 6:00.

(birds cawing)

So, surfing is really your job?

Yeah, I earned a couple million
on the tour last year.

Just for standing on a thing?

Mmm.

Wow.

Your house is perfect.

No sharp corners,

no unsafe balconies,
a cool grandpa.

I love two things:

shutting up
and giving away money.

Ooh, thanks, Dad.

What's that stone
around your neck?

It's a promise stone.

It signifies that
if I ever get to be a burden,

I just jump in a volcano.

Wow.

I assumed the Jackson Five
were the only perfect family,

but now I see there's another.

Princeton, B.A.,
Oxford, M.A.

I smell a Rhodes.

No, I turned it down

because Cecil Rhodes
was such a racist.

(sighs)

Uh, say, listen, Portia.

How would you and Mav
feel about...

um, swinging?

Uh, with you guys?

Uh, seems like my husband

would be getting the
much better deal.

No, no, no.

I-I meant pushing
kids on swings.

Give me a minute to get
some images out of my mind.

Okay, take whatever
time you need.

I just want to know if you'd
like to be their guardians.

Wow.

Wow, that's quite an offer.

This is so fast.

It's so hard to get to know a
child after just one day. I...

All you need to know
is I'm a politeness monster

who eats please
and farts thank-yous, ma'am.

I'm exactly the kind of kid
he's pretending to be.

(belches)

Hmm.

Babe, when a killer wave hits,
you can't spend your whole life

deciding if you want
to drop in or not.

It just might be the most
righteous tube we ever shot.

Man, you sure can talk
surfer talk.

Okay, we'll give some serious
thought to taking them.

Maybe this will help you
make up your mind.

It's empty.

You never know when you
might want to mail something.

Homie,

it's been a wonderful day,

but do you think maybe we're
moving a little too quickly?

Worrywart Marge.

You don't look a Trojan horse
in the mouth.

(laughter)

But we know
so little about them.

I swear to you, Marge,

when I have the time,
I will Google them both.

It's all good, brah.

Hey, where's Bart?

Oh, uh, well,
he wanted to be here,

but I'm going to decrease
the volume of my voice

and mumble so you can't really
understand what I'm saying,

and I'll just keep doing it
until the subject...

Your father says I need
to keep you lashed

to the mast for five more arrrs.

- Is that arrrs or hours?
- Both.

Great.

And now my Dad can notarize.

I still have my uses.

Mm-hmm.

Name another.

(groans)

Well, I must admit

it's a relief to get that
taken care of.

Now I can finally complete
my bucket list.

(chuckles)

Homer, Marge,

we have a favor to ask.

Too late!
You already signed!

Oh, wait, there's one more.

Suckers!

Oh, wait, you've got
to initial this.

Checkmate.

(chuckles)
Listen, Homer,

we just wanted to know
if we could borrow the kids

for a weekend at our ski house.

We thought they could
pick out their bedrooms.

A whole weekend?

I don't know.

Hey, if they can watch them
for the rest of their lives,

they can certainly do it
for a weekend.

I guess.

As long as we don't
make it a habit.

Marge, no indulgence of mine
ever becomes a habit.

Do you have to do that
in front of people?

It helps me write.

♪ Just the two of us

♪ We can make it if we try

♪ Just the two of us

♪ Just the two of us ♪

Marge, this has been
great couples time.

The one thing people with kids
desperately need is no kids.

Well, at least we have time

to get the pets'
Christmas presents.

I don't like the way
they just rip the paper off.

Santa's Little Helper, my ass.

(gasps)

Hmm?

(gasps)

My God.

They want to steal our kids.

No one steals my kids,

except me,
from that theme park jail

that I never told you about,
except I guess I just did.

We're all caught up now.
Let's go.

MARGE:
It all makes sense now.

That's why they took
our kids so quick.

Like all childless couples,

they troll the beaches waiting
for the egg-layers

to wander off from their young.

She's gonna raise three kids

without wrecking
that perfect figure.

Oh, yeah, man.

(groans)

Don't worry, Marge.

We'll get them.

Unless we die
on this icy mountain road.

Then they've won forever.

Homie, I just had
a horrible thought.

(chuckles)

Women and their
horrible thoughts.

What if they are better
for the kids than us?

Marge, let me set your mind
straight about something.

That spectacular young couple

is definitely better
for the kids,

but those kids are ours,

because we made them

by accident.

And now we're gonna
take them back

because we love them,

especially now that we've had
a little time apart from them.

(crashing, groans)

I've got a bone
to pick with you.

Then an apology to make.

Then we exchange
insurance information.

Then more bone picking.

Homer, Marge,
I understand your anger,

but your kids are more awesome

than the breaks at Waimea.

Those better be good breaks.

Honestly,
we fell in love with them,

and it just seemed like you guys
didn't really want them.

Sure, you wanted the fun
parts, but do you want to go

to their little league
games and recitals?

We totally have.

Like clockwork.

Well, I'm glad someone has.

Look, before anyone
says anything else,

how could you possibly think
you could get our kids?

It happens more than
you know, Marge.

I'm a lawyer;
he's a surfer.

That combination's
pretty unstoppable.

BART:
Well, I'm afraid

that we don't want to be
with anyone but Mom

and whoever
she chooses to be with.

Portia, you're the woman
I dream of becoming,

but Mom is my mom.

Fine,

but you're leaving
a gap in our lives

that can only be filled
by foreign travel,

sleeping late and gourmet food.

You guys lock up.

We're going to Bali.

(groans)
Again.

We've won!

(flatly):
Whoo-hoo.

Kids, your father
and I have decided

we're not in such a hurry
to get you guardians.

Instead of
concentrating on dying,

we're going to
concentrate on living.

If you call this living.

Why, you little...

(choking, grunting)

I do call this living.

Living the way kids in India
can only dream of.

There is nothing like
your biological family.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

(Homer, Lenny and Carl
holding single note)

(Lenny and Carl coughing)

(Homer continues holding note)

HOMER:
I win.

LENNY:
Win what?

HOMER:
I forget.

Shh!