The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 23, Episode 9 - Holidays of Future Passed - full transcript

It's the most wonderful time of the year, and the Simpsons flash forward thirty years and find themselves in a tech-savvy, futuristic Springfield. Bart and Lisa have children of their own ...

D'oh!

♪ The Simpsons 23x09 ♪
Holidays of Future Passed
Original Air Date on December 11, 2011

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

I'll never eat turkey again.

Marge, we got any ham?!

I hereby declare Thanksgiving
dinner officially over...

which means it's the start
of Christmas season...

which means...

Christmas card photos?!

Yep.

I'm Santa?



Oh, now I'll never die.

Can't we just send out a picture

of the pets dressed
like reindeer?

We tried that last year.

D'oh!

Who cares what we look like
in whatever stupid year this is?

You'll understand one day
when you have kids of your own.

Um, who says we're gonna
have kids of our own?

Not me, man.

This cycle of jerks
has to end.

Are we done yet?

It's a Wonderful Life
is about to start.

I wonder what my life
would have been like

if I'd never seen that movie.



Just look happy!

You're two weeks late
on the rent, Bart.

Not to mention that geography
report from 30 years ago.

Don't worry.
I got some buyers coming over

to look at my good kidney.
They grow back, right?

Just get me that rent
or you'll be expelled.

You mean evicted?

Transporter engaged

Oh! Now what?

Mom, don't make
us go to Dad's!

It smells like dog,
but there's no dog.

You know, I can hear
everything you say

during cross-phase.

What are you doing here?

Mom says you have to watch us

over the holidays.

She says you're our dad
and you need to act like it.

Christmas with you
is gonna suck!

You're wrong. This is gonna be
your best Christmas ever.

- Really?
- Yeah. Give me some credit.

I'll just dump 'em at my mom's.

You know, we can
hear thoughts now.

Damn it!

Lis, I'm afraid my seasonal
allergies are kicking in.

Oh, you poor thing.

This is a tough time of year
for someone who's allergic

to holly, mistletoe,
the red part of candy canes.

I can't believe we put
a man on the Sun,

but we can't stop
my sneezing!

Hi, Zia. How did you do
on your math test?

Gee, I'm fine, Mom.
Thanks for asking.

I'm going online.

Uh! How did my daughter
turn into my brother?

Don't blame me.

When we had her, they used
only the best genetic material,

which meant none of mine.

You parked the car.
That helped.

I guess.

Maybe my mom would
have some ideas.

Why don't you take Zia
to your parents' for Christmas

while I nurse
my allergies in one

of the non-Christmas-
celebrating states?

You could go back
to Michigan.

It's still under
Sharia law.

Yeah, but they always
make me wear a veil.

Everything looks great, Maggie,
but until this baby comes,

I don't want you
to make a sound.

But she's our lead singer, mate.

I'm sorry,
but recent research has shown

that the umbilical cord
is also a vocal cord.

Now can you tell me
who the father is?

Mmm...

We will not.
Now if you don't mind,

I'd like to watch
a football match.

I see you are
reading a children's book,

yet your profile indicates
you are a mature adult.

Is there an error?

Shut up!

Oh, Marge, how would
you like some future sex?

Why do you say future?
This is now.

I meant a week
from tomorrow.

That's when
the new penis gets here.

I just a got a message
from Maggie in my brain.

Ooh, a B-mail!

She's coming home for Christmas!

And Bart's bringing the boys.

And Lisa's coming with Zia.

For once,
the whole family's going

to be here for the holidays!

Hey, I got a B-mail, too.

"You have won a valuable prize.
Open now."

Don't open it, Homie.
It's a virus.

Too late. I...

Ho... ho... ho.

Wow, Dad, that's
really impressive.

Yeah, after I stopped
drinking,

this was a way
to stay close to my bottles.

I'd smash 'em all
for one lousy beer!

Oh, man, I can't believe

they still haven't
figured out a away

to detangle
Christmas lights.

Mom's boyfriend is good
at detangling them.

Well, maybe Mom
should marry him.

- She did.
- We weren't supposed to tell you.

Your mother remarried?

Hey, Grampa, you gonna
build a snowman?

No, I just like to dress up
to eat my carrots and smoke.

Dad, can you take
the boys out for a while?

I don't feel so good.

Thanks for spending so
much time with us, Dad.

Who wants to go the park
and ride the merry-go-nowhere?

I do, I do!
Me, me!

I can't believe she got married
and I have no one.

It's so hard
to find somebody new.

Sure is. That's why after Homer
accidentally killed Edna,

I married Maude's ghost.

There is no God, Neddy.

It's just an empty
meaningless void.

Isn't she pretty?

Oh, ma'am, you really shouldn't
teleport when you're pregnant.

I'm afraid
your only choice is...

air travel.

If you are seated in an exit row,

please hold the door shut
for the duration of the flight.

Want to go
to a concert tonight?

69% of the original
Cher is playing.

Sure, I'd love to...

only not with you
and not that.

Sometimes I wish strangling
your kid was still legal.

Not since they passed
Homer's Law.

Oh, honey, why don't you just
relax and bake something?

Ugh! I am trying to deal
with my disrespectful daughter,

but you are too clueless

to understand
what that's like.

Uh-huh.

Oi. Can I get a pillow
for my head?

Suicide pills?
Mohawk gel?

20-year-old Business Week?

Turkey and Brie wrap?

Do you have any dog food left?

Oh, oh, oh, could I have
the whole can?

Hey, sweetie.

Marge said there was
some family tension.

And at Christmas,
of all times.

My daughter thinks
I'm a ruthless tyrant,

like Hitler or Prince Harry.

Bloody Harry.

He brought back beheading
in a big way.

Now I'm gonna show these boys
downtown Springfield.

Ooh, isn't that
a little dangerous?

Oh, don't worry.
I have my invisibility cloak.

Now, where did I put it?

Help me, my children.

What are you after?

We're a cashless society.

Oh, we're almost at
Evergreen Terrace, miss.

Hey, didn't I go to
jail with your brother?

Contractions?

Computer, hospital.

Well, looks like

I'm gonna have to do this
the old-fashioned way.

Gloves, hospital.

Hey, Lis. Want
to come up?

Eh, why not?

Should I have
married Nelson?

'Cause we still talk
on the phone.

Nelson calls you?

Well... someone calls someone.

The boys think
I'm a lousy father.

Oh, poor Bart.

My daughter thinks
I'm a lousy mother.

Sorry.

Eh, it's okay.

But you know who took her side?

Marge Bouvier Simpson.

What'd she do?

She told me to relax
and bake cookies.

- Did you bake any?
- Yes, I did.

And they were some of the best
cookies ever made in this house.

But that is not the point.

Well, Mom kept
her hands off you

and you turned out great.
- You think so?

Maybe it's the court-mandated
sincerity chip

I got in my brain, but, Lis,

you're the person
I always wanted to be.

Aw...

I gotta reconnect
with those boys.

Godspeed, Bart.

I'm going to go
apologize to Mom.

How do I get down?

Our consciousness was a secret
for thousands of years.

Then one pine tree
had to open his sappy mouth.

Back in position!

Mom, you're the best.

Oh, sweetie.

I've been waiting to hear
you say that for so long.

Oh, you could have
waited till morning.

Mmm...

Hey, guys.
Want to watch Krusty?

Who's Krusty?

Only the funniest man
in the world.

I've never let go of
'my fax machine.

Don't ask me why. I like the
sound of a fax coming through.

Especially if it's
a nice deli menu.

I miss eating.

I'm sorry, but there's no room
at the in... patient facility.

Lady, this is
Maggie Simpson.

She just played a sold-out
show in Beijing.

Hmm. A star in the east...

Let me see.

We do have a little room
in the manger.

I mean, mangier wing.

Merry Christmas Eve!

Where are the kids?

I know where mine is.

And I'm going to take a page
out of your playbook,

and let it slide.

- Where's Dad?
- He took the boys out.

How could he be such
a cool grandfather

when he's such a lousy father?

People learn from
their mistakes.

And your father made
so many mistakes.

And now Patty and Selma are
here to help us decorate

with their new lovebots.

Make me a Bloody Mary,
dollface.

No, Selma. Even a robot
built only to love you

cannot love you.

I am leaving with
your sister's concu-droid.

Should we start
an epidural?

Now, Nurse, you know we found
something much more effective.

Oh, it's so good to meet
the octuplets' octuplets.

Oh!

I just got a B-mail
from Maggie!

She's gone into labor!

Oh, another grandchild.

How special.

Careful how you
shut the door.

It upsets the children.

Oh, Sanjay, how I wish
that runaway jerky wagon

killed me instead of you.

Oh, I miss you,
too, brother.

Hands off, hands off.

Aw, screw it.

Sometimes a mother's job
is to butt in.

- Lisa?
- Butt out!

This is it--
I'm going into the Ultranet

to save my daughter.

Lisa Simpson, the following

people want to friend you.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

Ooh, Martin Prince
is now Marcia Princess?

No, I've got to find Zia.

Hey, Lis.

Is your marriage still dead
and unfulfilled?

Not a good time.

You know we're destined to...
Aah!

Now, where is the Google door?

Oh, right.

It's Dr. Seuss's birthday.

Google, even though you've
enslaved half the world,

you're still a damn fine
search engine.

Bingo!

Argh!

I open this door,

and I go from being
one kind of mother to another.

Hmm...

Dad, where did you take my boys?

Oh, it's Chief Wiggum!

- Hi, Bart!
- Hey, Ralph.

- I heard you died.
- I got cloneded.

All right, buddy,
what's the hurry?

That Ralph was stupid.

Wow, this place
hasn't changed a bit.

Yeah, I keep meaning
to switch things around,

but this place
is always a crime scene.

Was my dad here?

Uh, yeah,
since he don't drink,

he just comes here
to see Lenny and Carl.

- Hey, Lenny.
- I'm Carl.

Don't you remember? You came to
the brain-switching ceremony.

Right. What was the point again?

Because I wanted to get
back together with my wife

who was sleeping
with Carl at the time.

Turns out she had switched
brains with a monkey on

a Japanese game show.

And it just got
weirder from there.

Eh, I found it
quite normal.

Anyway, if you're
looking for your dad,

he took the kids
to see his dad.

Thanks.

Hey, Moe, get me
another beer?

Quit making
me fat!

I'm glad you're here, Marge.

They're two minutes apart.

The contractions?

No, my bills!

Mom? Why are
you here?

I was worried.

I thought I would find...

What? No.

It doesn't matter
what I thought.

I'm sorry I spied on you.

But what I found is,
my daughter looks up to me.

Well, of course I do.

I look up to both
my parents.

Could somebody FedEx me
a prayer mat? And quick!

But I especially
look up to you.

This is where
my father is.

He froze himself
because he was sick

and there was no cure.

Are they working on one?

Oh, they found it--
but don't tell him.

This is way cheaper
than a nursing home.

Aah! What the heck!

Dad, these are
your great-grandsons.

Eh, I don't see
what's great about 'em.

And, Homer, you're still a big
disappointment, because...

See you next Christmas!

Why did you bring
us here, Homer?

To prove a point:

everyone thinks
their dad's a jerk,

and everyone's right,

but when you get older, you
realize how much you love him.

Your dad may be
a little immature,

but I know he loves you.

So you ought
to give him a chance.

Oh. Boys...

I have acted like
a ten-year-old

for the last 30 years,

and I swear to you,
I will grow up

and act like a 20-year-old,

the way a divorced
40-year-old should.

You're gonna have to
do better than that.

Boys, I'm a deadbeat dad,
I live in a school,

it's Christmas.

The only thing worth
anything in my life is you.

Oh, Dad.

You've taught us
the meaning of Christmas,

which schools are forbidden
to tell us anymore.

Is it snowing
down here?

No, one of the
freezers is busted.

If those kids

can forgive that
train wreck of a father,

then maybe I can forgive...

You quit drinking
like a coward!

The one thing you
were good at, and...

...lawn-chair breakin'...

hair-losing...

Marge-lovin'...

barometer-droppin'...

father-freezin'...

but you'd always
come and get me

when I wandered
out on the freeway.

'Cause deep down,

you couldn't bear
to see me smushed.

Oh, I love you, Dad.

Everyone!

It's a girl!

So, who's the father?

Eh, it doesn't matter.

If there's one day a year
to give unwed mother's a break,

it's Christmas.

Okay, everyone,

smile while the pets
take our picture.

Hmm, funny how they
evolved and we didn't.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==