The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 23, Episode 22 - Lisa Goes Gaga - full transcript

After a desperate attempt by Lisa to become more popular backfires, Lady Gaga shows up in Springfield to help her with her self-esteem.

(quacking)
♪ The Simpsons. ♪

(grunting)

(angry grunt)

♪ The Simpsons 23x22 ♪
Lisa Goes Gaga
Original Air Date on May 20, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

NARRATOR: See that town? Goes
by the name of Springfield.

Birthplace of
the brass knuckle,

the Nigerian Prince scam,

and putting a tomato on
your grilled cheese sandwich.

(humming)

Our story begins
not long ago...



on what seemed
like a typical day.

Ralphie, please.
That's not for people, son.

(barking)

Aw, he's a dumb kid,
but he's an above-average dog.

Roll over, son.

Yay! Aw, nobody saw.

NARRATOR: But little did they
know, a change was coming.

First, the creatures
of the Earth sensed it,

then the fish of the deep.

Then the Mormons
got a heads-up.

And then everybody else.

Strange doin's, Mother.

Horses are spooked,
cows ain't milkin',

and look what
the chickens laid.



FARMWIFE: Sparkle eggs?!

(wind whistles)
Storm's a-comin'.

Ain't no storm, Pa.
It's The Lady Gaga Express!

(Lady Gaga's Poker Face plays)

PISTONS (chanting):
She's-a-star! She's-a-star!

She's-a-star! She's-a-star!

Presenting the
Queen of the Hottieverse,

appearing courtesy of
Interscope Records, Lady Gaga!

At ease.

Conductor, you know the rules.
Take off some clothes.

Oh, uh, yes, ma'am.
Sorry, ma'am.

Now, what's our status?

We are about to pass through...

uh, Springfield.
- Springfield?

What's their deal?

Hm, let's see, quiet suburb...

home of the
Tomb of the Unknown Mascot...

has the lowest self-esteem
of any place on the planet.

Really?

Aw... That's so sad.
And as entertainers,

it is our solemn duty to cheer
them up for a little while.

Gaga, it's my job
to keep you away from

ugly bumps on the map
like Springfield.

Don't worry, we'll get you
right on a plane.

No! Don't you remember what
happened at LaGuardia?

Ready.

Yeah, well, uh, you
missed your flight.

Then we'll party
on the boarding ramp!

(party music playing)

Wait! I quit!

We spend 90 minutes
training 'em and off they go.

I just can't ignore
a billboard in pain.

- We're stopping in Springfield!
- But...

No buts!

NARRATOR: Well,
Lady Gaga couldn't arrive

soon enough
for one Lisa Simpson.

Now let's turn
to the ever-unpopular

"Popularity Awards," the awards
voted by students,

in judgment of their peers.

No way that can go wrong.
First up, Campus Clown.

(laughing)

Bart Simpson.

(Simpsons theme plays)

That's my brother. (chuckles)

Four years out of four.

(camera shutter clicks)

Prank you!
Prank you very much!

(pops)

(growls) (audience laughs)

BART: Call back.

I fail to see
the honor in this.

Aren't awards shows
rather silly?

What?! Without awards shows,
how would I know what movie

has the best beheading,
or that Glee is a comedy?

And now the award for
Least Popular Student.

Lisa Simpson!

What?

Least Popular?

(sobbing)

I gotta go.

You probably should
accept it, Lisa.

They'll go easier
on you if you do.

(sobbing): Um...

Thank you for noticing me.

(all laughing)

She actually accepted it!

You said they'd
take it easy on me.

I know very little
about children.

We've got to cheer up
a whole town.

Where's the dress I wore
when I met the Pope?

It's nice, but I saw
Jennifer Lopez wearing it.

Burn it. Burn it now.

MAN: Help! Help!

I've been on here
since Chicago!

I just want my life back!

- No negativity!
- Oh, you're right.

I'm missing a terrible winter!

And that's how Berber carpet
got its name according to some.

Lisa, how was your day?

Um, can I be excused
from holding up

my end of the conversation?

What's wrong with her?

She just found out
no one likes her.

(loud whisper):
I thought she knew.

Hey, Lisa, maybe you'd
feel a little better

if you read the Daily Fourth
Gradian Message Board, huh?

Let's see. "Uncensored
Jump-rope Chants."

Oh, there's a whole thread
labeled "Lisa Simpson"!

(muttering)

- Wha...?
- Ay carumba.

Somebody's actually
on your side!

(chokes)

"Lisa doesn't judge
other people.

Why should we judge her?"
It's signed, "Truth Teller."

Whoever this "Truth Teller" is,
I'm a fan.

It takes a lot of courage to
post nice things anonymously.

You know, it seems like
more than a coincidence

that Milhouse brought it
to our attention. Hm?

(chuckles) Well, I certainly
wish I was Truth Teller.

But if I was, you'd know,
because I can't keep a secret.

I sleep under my bed every night
'cause I'm scared

of the cars from Cars.
If gasoline is their food,

then why do they have teeth?!

So, Lisa, I guess you're not
as unpopular as we thought.

Yep. Message boards
are never wrong.

Well, um, maybe we should
skip rope together.

- Dutch?
BOTH:- Double Dutch.

(gasps)
Forgive a fool her tears.

Hey, Lis, some
fifth graders are having

a make-your-own pizza party
at Flesh-In-The-Pan Pizza,

and wanted me to invite you.

Fifth graders?
Ooh-la-la!

They get to put their desks
in a circle!

And read books where
the parents are divorced.

That joint is jumpin'.

So, when's the party?
(gasps)

"Lisa rocks, and so does
her rock collection." Huh?

(gasps) That's mine!

This notebook is full of
things Truth Teller said.

Give that back!
This one says "post next Friday."

(gasps) Oh, my God!

You're Truth Teller!

(kids gasp)

Lisa, what you did
is like my mom

sticking ten bucks
in her own G-string.

Truth Teller?

More like Lie Smeller!

KIDS (chanting):
Lie Smeller! Lie Smeller!

Oh, great, it stuck!

(sobbing)

♪ ♪

Take five.

(soda can tabs pop)

Hey, easy on the soda.

I don't want gassy demons
like last night.

Jerry.

(moans) Wait a minute...

No!
No, no!

(moans)
Brrr... Make it stop!

Oh!

♪ Oh... ♪

Someone in Springfield
needs my help.

Light up the after-bras.

That's it,
I am off of this stuff.

Me, too, sweetheart.

Kids?

Yes, Mama.

No exceptions!

Kent Brockman reporting live
from the Springfield rail yards,

where Lady Gaga's
fabulous freighter

has bumped and grinded
its way into town.

Suffice it to say,
this is the most

culturally significant train
to stop here since

the McKinley funeral cortege
paused to pick up casket ice.

Now, sweetie, don't make
a big deal out of this.

I stopped reading
after "Top Student."

Want to honk your jazz tube?

Oh, what is the point?

I think this is the end of me.

All I had was my integrity.

And now that's gone.

(sobbing): I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry.

I try not to cry
till you're asleep.

I appreciate that.
(groans)

(sobbing): Look, if I could
just spend a few days

in my room without anyone
trying to cheer me up,

I think I might
have a chance to...

Hey, why don't we
go see Lady Gaga?

That'll turn your
frown upside down.

It's not a frown. It is a
straight line of resignation.

Looks just the same
upside down.

What are you talking about?
Y-You're right!

Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop!

Dad, if you really want to help,
please stop trying to help.

I will, but you know me
and my crazy number thing

where I always have
to get to 17.

Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop!
Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop!

Voop! Voop! Voop!

Whoops, I lost count.
Better start again.

Voop! Voop! Voop! Voop!

(sighs)

CROWD (chanting): Gaga-oo-la-la.
Gaga-ra-ma-ma.

Come on, Lisa, come on.

I'm sorry, I don't really
want to be here.

Claws up, Springfield!

Never forget, you're
all my Little Monsters!

Uh, actually,
I'm half monster, half Armenian.

Pick your poison.

And you should love
yourselves as much

as I love you, because...

Tell us in song.
♪ Because... ♪

With theatricality.
Come on, I woke up for this.

♪ ♪

CROWD: Four!

Three!

Two!

Where are they going with this?

CROWD: One!

(gasps)

(sighs)

Ah!

♪ When they're young ♪

♪ All little monsters learn
that they are scary ♪

♪ Ugly, stupid, shunned
by cupid, overweight and hairy ♪

♪ But every monster needs to
find that secret deep inside ♪

♪ That transforms Dr. Jekyll
into sexy Mr. Hyde ♪

♪ All my monsters
are beautiful ♪

♪ Disco Stu-tiful ♪

♪ Square root-iful...♪

♪ Old coot-iful ♪

I love you, Lady Zsa Zsa!

♪ Monsters don't need implants
or a bitchin' monster car ♪

♪ Monsters only need to love
the monster that they are ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Gaga ♪

♪ Dada ♪

♪ Jawa ♪

♪ Peace! ♪

(crowd cheers)

Ew.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!
(whistles)

BART: All right!

Lie Smeller!
Lie Smeller!

(sobbing)

Does everyone love themselves?

(crowd cheers)

That kind of thing sounds
hollow from anyone but you!

Now, we have to get going.

Wait a minute. No.

No, no! (moans)

(sings powerful melody)

GAGA: You!

What's wrong, honey?

Please, I've had enough
attention for one day!

Yo, lighting! I can't see the
girl who's had enough attention.

We should go to
your house and talk.

Incognito!

Oh, God.

Psst! It's me, Gaga.

But no one must know.

HOODIE VOICE CHIP (monotone):
Gaga. Gaga. Gaga.

So peaceful. Just the buzzing
of the paparazzi.

(cameras snapping)

Hey, Gary.
How's your wife and kids?

Still ashamed of me.
Big smile!

This is where I live.

Well, hello.

It's one of those
music industry superstars

who's turning our innocent
children into ladies of the night.

What sweater drawer
did you crawl out of?

(chuckles): Name's Ned Flanders,
I've heard of you.

Haven't seen so much skin since
shedding season on a snake farm.

But all I'm saying is that
everyone is beautiful...

Yes, but Jesus said that...

pretty much the same thing.

Darn it, the Bible said
the Devil would be attractive.

What makes you think
I'm the Devil?

Unless you're gonna slap some
wieners on those, turn 'em off.

Joke's on you; I needed a trim.

(Gaga groaning)

Bastards!

Lisa, look at me.

So what if your number one
supporter is you.

That's how it should be.

I had some very
tough times myself

before I became
a superstar at age 22.

Everything is gonna
be fine. You better yet?

(phone chimes)
Sorry, gotta answer this text.

Please, take your time.

You know what you need?

- Solitude?
- Flash mob!

Now, Lisa, if that didn't
fundamentally change

who you are, I don't know what.

You idiots!
She meant we should disperse.

Lisa, you un-tattooed
little miracle,

I'm not leaving here until I
restore your sense of hope.

Let me explain. I have a chance
for a grim but tolerable life,

but only if I give up hope.

Now if you don't mind,
and with all due worship,

I would like to be alone.

Lady Gaga, meet your biggest
threat: Baby Googoo.

Can I please be alone?

Well, it worked once.

So, any ideas about Lisa?
(sighs)

I never have any idea
what to do for Lisa.

To be the mother of someone
who's so smart

and so sensitive and who
beautifully plays an instrument

(sotto voice):
I don't really care for,

(sobbing): it's so hard.

I wish I was one of those

young women who could
just wave their hands

in front
of their eyes and not cry,

because it doesn't work for me.

(yells) Marge...

(yells) Ah...

- Ooh! Aah! Ooh!
- Marge. Marge.

- Marge.
- Hm...

Marge, take it easy.
(groans)

It's just human contact.

I'm afraid handholding
isn't going to cheer me up.

Well, maybe this will.

Homer!

Wow. Wow.

This is like the night Hillary
won the New Hampshire Primary.

Lisa snuck out.

I'm going after her.
(Homer grunting)

- What are you gonna say?
HOMER:- Whoo! Mm.

I'll just tell her that...

Stop it, Homer!

- Some of that meat is me.
- Can I just trim the hem?

(groans) It's yours.

Oh, good. She's playing.

Not so good.
It's "Lisa Roulette."

(kids shouting)
Don't let her get you!

Her eyes shoot loser lasers!

(feigns gasping last breath)

(chanting):
There is no over-the-top.

There is no over-the-top.

Run!

With an egg that big, there's
gotta be an even bigger chicken!

Lisa?

Lisa, listen to me.

This pity party's being shut
down by the smile police.

Here's what you're gonna do.

Why do you keep telling me
what I'm gonna do?

This isn't about me.

Well, who else
would it be about?

You!

It's about
"Hello, hello, Springfield."

"It's me, Gaga!"

"Why is everyone looking
at my purple hair

full of bluebirds?"

- Well, I denounce thee!
- Wha...?

I denounce thee for
giving people ambitions

they cannot fulfill.

And I denounce thee
for positing a world

where social acceptance
and walking on heels are easy!

Please, may we kill the kid?

I denounce thee!
I denounce thee!

I denounce thee!

Whoa, easy, little monster.

Don't "monster" me.

(all gasp)

Whatever you say.

(sobbing)

Are you crying... glitter?

Tiny diamonds.
(sobs)

Hurts like hell.

(chanting):
Gaga, Gaga, Gaga, Gaga...

HOMER: Okay Lisa, coming up
to make things better!

(grunting):
Okay, I'm almost there.

Upward, ever upward.

(panting):
Stay hydrated...

Oh, I'm on the wrong tree!

(grunts) Okay, try again.

Here we go, okay.

(grunting and panting):
Oh... Lisa, can you come down?

Sweetie, I've been thinking.

Now, this all started
because you used a fake name

to defend yourself.

The problem's not
that you were cheating.

It's that you got caught.

I cheat on my diet,
but nobody knows

'cause the damage
is on the inside,

and the first warning sign
is sudden death.

So, honey, what do you say?

Dad, thank you!

Like always, the fact
that I could tune you out

without fearing I'd miss out
on something

gave me the time
to take stock and realize

how ungrateful I have been.

Which means, I've got
a train to catch.

(chuckling): Parenting.

It's the one job you know
you're always doing right.

So long, Springfield.
You are my Waterloo.

(crowd cheers)

And now I'm just going to lie
in bed and eat Fruit Roll-Ups.

Why is she doing in defeat
what I do in victory?

(whistle blowing)

(chugging)

Gaga!

Lisa?

Why are you here?

To thank you.

For what?

Look at me!
You did help me

by allowing me to
inappropriately focus

eight years of rage
and rejection on you.

It was like a great sneeze.

And now I can say
what's good about me.

And I can say it
as Lisa Simpson!

(gently):- Just not that loud.
- Go ahead.

Well, I am smart,
nice, tolerant, funny

but not "mean funny," and I
never forget a birthday,

even for kids who move away.

Now, Lisa, there's
only one last thing

you have to do to
be a Little Monster.

I'll do anything but sing.

You are gonna sing!

♪ ♪

♪ I used to think
that I was stupid ♪

♪ Worthless, weak and wrong ♪

♪ A mockingbird
without a song ♪

♪ I was small inside
and lacking pride ♪

♪ On a one-way train
to be Milhouse's bride ♪

End the song!
End it right here!

♪ I love NPR and Jazz guitar ♪

♪ Someday I'll design
a solar car ♪

♪ That's right, I'm Lisa
Simpson, superstar! ♪

♪ You've got a great big heart ♪

♪ It's at the top of my chart ♪

BOTH: ♪ Lisa Simpson,
Lisa Simpson ♪

♪ Lisa Simpson Superstar ♪

♪ Lisa Simpson, Lisa Simpson ♪

♪ Lisa Simpson Superstar ♪

♪ You're a superstar ♪

Wait, wait! Wait...!

(brakes screeching)

(crowd gasps)

Can you help me
with my self-esteem?

I'm not that good.

Right, gotcha.

(train horn blades)

LISA: And the best thing is,
(giggles)

even if they weren't waving,
it would be okay.

NARRATOR: I bet a lot
of folks are wondering,

did this story really happen?

Well, it did.

And I know because
I was one of Gaga's dancers.

The one with the
spangliest crotch.

(yelling)

Higher!

(laughing)

NARRATOR: I'm speaking fast
because I'm so excited.

See Maggie Simpson
in her first starring role

in The Longest Daycare in 3D

before Ice Age Continental
Drift only in theaters.

We've already done the hardest
part making the poster.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

HOMER (improvises to "Poker Face"):
♪ I love my Homer face ♪

♪ Yeah, that's what I said ♪

♪ Right where it should be
on the front of my head ♪

♪ Stubble, muzzle, overbite,
two eyes that really bug ♪

♪ These are the components
of my Homer-riffic mug ♪

♪ D'oh-d'oh-e-d'oh-d'oh-d'oh,
ohhh ♪

♪ I shave it close,
trim hairs from my nose ♪

♪ D'oh-d'oh-e-d'oh-d'oh-d'oh,
ohhh ♪

♪ I clean my ears,
'cause that's how I hears ♪

♪ I like my, I like my ♪

♪ I really like my Homer face. ♪

(murmuring)

Shh!