The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 23, Episode 21 - Ned 'N' Edna's Blend - full transcript
After Ned and Edna announce publicly that they were secretly married, the two clash over how to raise Rod and Todd.
(exclaiming)
(school bell ringing)
(Barney belches)
(whistle blows)
(yells)
(beeping)
(playing the blues)
(playing the blues)
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
(grunting)
(yells)
(panting)
(couch squawks)
(Bart grunts)
♪ The Simpsons 23x21 ♪
Ned 'n' Edna's Blend
Original Air Date on May 7, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
(yells)
DIRECTOR:
Okay, people, we are trying
to depict
the sizzling final days
of the Nathan Lane of
the New Testament, Jesus Christ.
Now remember, this is
the Passion Play,
not The Phone It In Play.
Not the I Once Had Three Shows
on Broadway Simultaneously
But I Blew All My Money on Coke
and Now Here I Am Play,
so let's do this thing!
Hi. My name is
Milhouse Van Houten,
and I am auditioning for
the role of Child Who Points.
Yeah, okay, point stage left.
I prepared right!
Well, I better get going.
This is starting to feel
a little churchy.
Why do we have to audition
for the stupid play,
and Dad gets to leave?
I already have my part.
Man Who Buys Ticket,
But Doesn't Show Up.
Also, the Passion Play
isn't stupid.
It's the greatest story
ever told.
Maybe it was once,
but now there's
lots of better stories.
Krusty vs. the F.D.A.
Game Six of
the 2011 World Series.
Hitler mashups!
And Lenny's story about Cancun.
Yeah, why aren't we
doing Lenny's story?
That thing's hilarious.
Not so hilarious for me.
I nearly lost a toe.
That's what you get
for having a monkey
give you a foot massage.
My bucket list is my business.
Next audition!
Ah-ha-ha. Name's Ned Flanders.
Credits include Jesus
in the Passion Play last year,
Jesus in the Passion Play
the year before that,
Jesus, Jesus, a kindly hobo
who turns out to be--
you guessed it-- Saint Peter...
Enough! Enough, already.
I'm so bored I'm ready
to introduce myself
to my two assistants here.
You will be
a non-speaking Pharisee.
But-but-but...
Jesus didn't stammer!
His voice hit the back
of the theater!
He was a god who
turned water into wine
and did not wear shoes.
Ooh!
He said simple things
that many followed.
Just like me on Twitter!
(chuckles)
And he was tragically killed
while still in his 30s...
D'oh!
...after an all-night dinner.
Woo-hoo!
I'm your Jesus! Me!
Boom. Done.
This guy's perfect!
You understand why God
would have forsaken him.
(chuckling)
Well, congratulations, Homer.
I guess this is just
my cross to bear.
What's that a reference to?
Oh!
Ooh, nice and roomy.
Our Lord sure knew
how to keep 'em cool.
Dad?
Yes, sweetie?
First of all,
congratulations on
getting the lead.
Whee! Whee!
I just hope you're going
to take this seriously.
Oh, yes, Lisa.
Very seriously. Whee!
Dad, the story of the Passion
is the cornerstone
of the Christian faith.
And although I personally follow
the enlightened teachings
of Lord Buddha,
messing with Jesus
really gets people mad.
It's like wearing
a Florida State jersey
to a Florida game.
(gasps)
O Lord, why have you placed
this fearsome burden
on my shoulders?
(sobbing)
It'll be fine.
Just learn your lines.
Does Jesus have a big part
in this thing?
He's in every scene.
What?
(sobbing loudly)
Why do I succeed at everything
I audition for?
Dear Lord, I know you see all,
but trust me,
You do not want to see this.
And so our Lord was brought
before Pontius Pilate.
What's he in for?
He calls himself
"King of the Jews."
Oh, boy.
Okay, be straight with me.
You can probably plead this
down to crucifixion.
Do you call yourself
King of the Jews?
Thou sayest it.
(exclaiming)
He's good.
Wow, I'm so moved
I renounce science,
with the facts,
and the peer reviews,
and the hypotheses
tested by evidence.
What shall I do then with Jesus,
which is called Christ?
Crucify him!
They cannot judge me.
Only my father can judge me.
Crucify him!
I'll take you with me, old man!
Jesus was handed a heavy cross,
and upon his brow
was placed a crown...
Ooh!
Of thorns.
What the...?
(groans)
(crying)
Daughters of Jerusalem!
Weep not for me,
but weep for yourselves.
You know, Homer's giving it
the old Bible-college try.
Maybe I should've dialed down
the Doubting Thomas.
Silence, Pharisee!
(grunting)
Looks like someone didn't
follow the underwear rule!
This man is totally
the Son of God.
Tonight you shall be
at my right hand in heaven.
All right!
It pays to network
at these things.
Jesus cried again
with a loud voice
and yielded up his spirit.
(cries out in anguish)
(quietly):
Lord, forgive me for my pride.
All wise as always, you have
rightly raised Homer above me.
Never again will I question...
(yells)
Out of my way, stupid Flanders!
Ow!
Ah, I knew we should've done
Spamalot.
I'm not licked.
I'll just make them
think this was planned.
(imitates drum brushes)
♪ Who's to say ♪
♪ This didn't happen ♪
♪ Who's to say ♪
♪ And curtain! ♪
Diddily...
doodily...
No atheist blood, please.
Sorry, ma'am, only members of
the immediate family allowed in.
It's okay.
She's my wife.
(gasping)
Ned and Edna, married?
That's right. Ha!
CROWD: Wow!
Oh, my goodness.
Hey, Dad.
You remember when you said
if Flanders got remarried
you'd eat your hat?
Uh-oh.
Ooh, licorice!
Mmm, historically inaccurate.
Well, it was nice having a
secret marriage while it lasted.
Well, sir, now we'll
have an open marriage!
Um...
you do know what that means?
No, but I'm sure Newt Gingrich
wouldn't steer us wrong.
At least in the hospital
we can just enjoy a nice,
quiet moment together.
(chuckling)
Congratulations, you two!
We're so, so happy for you.
Welcome to marriage.
(laughs)
Another good man
bites the dust.
Homer!
I'm talking about this guy!
Oh, I sure envy him.
Homer!
I mean, I envy Flanders,
once again enjoying
the joys of marriage.
Let's put it to
a vote, America.
Enough with the voting.
Ned, Edna,
why didn't you tell us?
'Cause everyone in this town
makes such a big heckabaloo
out of everything.
Nedding bells are ringing.
See what happens
when Teachy met Preachy
on Channel 6,
your source for news-based puns.
I was just down the hall
getting some very bad news,
and I saw there was
a party going on.
Congratulations from the Mayor.
Vote Quimby.
Many happy returns!
Hope you're both happy.
Edna, as the runner-up
in the race for your heart,
I would like to make a toast.
My Dearest, let me be
the first to offer you
the hearty handshake
that would've climaxed
our own wedding day...
Seymour, did you use my wig glue
to patch your shoes again?
I tied them together
with used dental floss,
as per your memo!
Everybody out. Now!
(grumbling)
Not you.
Mmm.
O Lord, please bless
our blended family.
And thank you
for "cigarette mommy."
Oh, honey, please don't
call me that.
Okay, "do-over mommy."
Boys, you will please
call your new mother
whatever she feels
comfortable with.
How about "Edna?"
It's disrespectful
to call a grown-up
by their first name.
BART:
Yo, Homer,
Mom says get your fat ass
over to the Flanders'.
Bart! Don't call me that!
Which one?
"Homer" or "fat ass"?
HOMER:
Why, you little...
They're both bad, and
I suspect you know it!
BART: Get your hands off of me,
you fat ass!
(doorbell rings)
Ned, Edna.
We just want to apologize...
(growling)
for the commotion in your room.
People here do not
respect boundaries.
Homer, did you just buckle
your belt through my loop?
Sorry.
Well, we're here to offer
to throw you a little party
in your honor.
A little party might be fun.
The only guests at our wedding
were Ned's parents.
Look at those squares,
makin' it nice and legal.
We didn't need a piece of paper!
We had a paper, Nedward.
We just rolled it
and smoked it.
Oh, yeah.
We got high-diddily-high
on that reeferino.
Less news from the pews.
Okay, Simpsons.
Well, call me
a cock-eyed optimist
'cause I think some sort
of celebration party
might possibly be fun!
Great!
We'll take care of everything.
We'll just need to
borrow your punch bowl,
17 chairs,
your portable dance floor,
your banner printer,
banner ink,
and a ream of blank banners.
Okay, there's no school;
Your dad's at work;
And it's really coming down.
Anyone for Scrabble?
Only God can make words.
Right, right. Yahtzee?
Dice are Satan's bones.
What the hey, Mrs. K?
Thank God, a real kid.
You want my advice
on dealing with the Hardly Boys?
Why do you care?
I don't. I'm just bored
watching worms drown.
Okay, what do you got?
Well, what you got to do
is get them into the real world.
Skipping is cool!
Especially when
you're holding hands
with your brother.
If you don't act now,
when they grow up,
people like me are gonna take
all their money
and girlfriends.
Oh, come on. They're
not that hopeless.
I'm doing it!
I'm doing it!
(whimpers)
This is my third-favorite
wedding supply store.
Whoo! Look at these.
"Extreme weddings.
"Triathlon...
"Zero-G...
Tie the knot
at the top of Mount Everest"?
It's extreme enough for me
when they smear the wedding cake
on each other's faces.
So, Marge, the rumors are true.
Why did you get
to throw a party
for Ned and Edna and not me?
Well, you're all invited so you
can make your snippy comments
while you eat
my hors d'oeuvres.
Snippy? How can you say that
in those shoes?
(grunts)
They have Itchy and Scratchy
weddings?
(laughing)
Ready to go home, Ned?
I'm sorry, honey, but I'm
stuck in this meeting
of the Springfield LGBT.
The left-gifted
bidextrous
and transhanded community.
We're trying to decide
on the theme
for our Left is Right parade.
"Ourcissors, Ourselves."
How about, "Death to Righties"?
We have to live among them.
To live among them is to die.
(all arguing)
Oh, this could go late.
We haven't even ordered
pizzas and pop yet.
Could you handle Rod and Todd's
parent-teacher
conference for me?
Sure, I'd love
to be the parent for once.
Now I can bring a latte
and leave the cup
on the desk. Ha!
(glass breaks)
Sorry. I'm still
a pre-op transhander.
TEACHER:
Well, I must say at this school
we've never seen
a step-parent before.
Look, I'm a chalk jockey, too,
so don't slap ketchup on bread
and tell me it's Pizza Friday.
You teach with that mouth?
Yes. I teach at
Springfield Elementary,
and we believe that...
Public school?
Well, I'll be a monkey's
unrelated creature.
Well, we'll fit you
into our school prayers.
You do have science
here, right?
We sure do.
Behold advanced astronomy.
You pulled the boys
out of school?
Ned, I know I should have
consulted you,
but that school is
beneath them.
Take my word as a teacher
of 15 years.
Well, sir, when we got married,
I knew I'd find some spices
in my chili.
I guess they can go
to Springfield Hellementary.
Oh!
Mm-hmm.
(moaning)
Why are we here, Neddy?
Well, first of all,
I think talking dogs
are the spawn of the devil.
Yeah, but...
Secondly, we're watching
my little Toddy
graduate from college.
Oh, now aren't you glad
you let Edna take charge
of the boys' education?
Yep, it's lucky
she's not in my taxes
'cause I underestimated her.
Wait a minute.
Liberal professors,
feminist workshops,
abstract sculptures.
This isn't a Midwestern
Bible college.
This is an elite
East Coast university.
It's okay, Daddy.
I majored in religious studies.
Whew!
Comparative religious studies.
(screams)
(tires screech)
Give me your keys!
Maybe I'll just park it myself.
Why are you parking yourself?
Why are you parking yourself?
We haven't taken in
one car all day.
You really put on
a great reception, Marge.
It's like the happy flashback
in a gritty cop thriller.
Thank you.
Everyone's having a great time.
Uh-oh.
Helen, have a canapé.
There's enough for everyone.
But not too much.
(chuckles)
(gasps)
(both giggling)
Yar...
No weird hookups!
Call me!
I'm married to the sea,
and I'm seeing two of
the Great Lakes on the side.
I won't say which ones,
but it's eerie
how superior they are.
So how do the boys like
Springfield Elementary?
Marge, it's wonderful.
They're opening up,
they've seen a wider world.
I wrote with a Flair pen.
(chuckles)
Well, that's just great, boys.
Now come over here so
Mrs. Simpson can take a photo.
Make sure our temporary tats
are in the picture.
Mine's a sassy princess
who speaks her mind.
Oh!
Mine's a duck with no pants.
What if we were
raptured right now?
Ned, I said it was okay.
Yeah, chillax, Daddy.
Chillax? Young man
in the Flanders' house
we speak the King's diddily.
Time for cake!
Let's finish this sucker up.
You get my boys tattoos,
you change their school,
you buy Rod sneakers that light
up like Times Square.
Shoes are shoes
and lights are lights.
Now just when do I get a say
in how my boys are raised?!
This marriage isn't perfect!
(phones beeping)
No video! Party over!
Cake!
Too late, Marge.
Mm!
Ned, these boys trust me
to be their mother.
You'd better decide
whether you do.
(gasps)
And that's that.
Another story in the classic,
infallible three-act
structure.
Good enough for Aristotle,
good enough for the Simpsons.
Mr. Syzslak, I have
a feeling
there's gonna be one more act
to this story.
Well, I'm not hanging
around for that.
Four acts...
Ned, how did you sleep?
Fine, I guess.
Thanks for loaning me
your pajamas, Homer.
And Marge, thank you for those
helpful chip bag clips.
(clacking)
I just felt so ashamed,
I couldn't go home.
Yesterday
I gave in to the one thing
I vowed I would never have
in my marriage: strong feeling.
Here's your lunches...
with some cake.
You'll be having cake
for a long, long time.
Bart, aren't you
gonna tell Mom and Dad
about the problem you have?
Shut up!
I'm just saying
it won't get better
unless you talk to an adult.
Maggie knows how
to keep a secret.
Why can't you?
Bart, is there something
you want to tell us?
Oh, Marge, let the kid have
his embarrassing secrets
and lies.
That is totally
irresponsible parenting.
Not according to the Internet.
Where on the Internet?
I'm sure some idiot somewhere
agrees with me.
Why would you believe him?
Because his avatar
is Darth Maul,
the second-coolest Darth.
And what he says is true
because it's in all caps.
Are you gonna argue with caps?
Why does that make it right?
He took the time to press
the shift key, Marge.
I think he knows
what he's talking about.
So after all this time together
you two still haven't agreed
on how to raise your kids?
Ned, I realized long ago
there are some things
Homer and I will never
completely agree on.
(chuckles) Yeah,
but we make sure
never to go to bed hungry.
It's "angry."
Don't tell me
what our thing is!
It's about not
agreeing on something.
I've always said hungry!
Bart, just tell us the problem.
I'm keeping a dolphin
in my bathtub!
I thought I heard
clicks and pops!
(microphone feeds back)
Children, your test scores
are down
because we've been having
so many assemblies,
you haven't had time to study.
This assembly will remedy that.
We've invited
a few friends over
to give you some musical cues.
(piano plays bouncy intro)
I'm Sally Scantron Sheet.
And I'm Peter Pencil.
Now, you didn't hear it
from us,
but the answers
to the test are...
(to the tune of "Mary Had a Little Lamb"):
♪ A, B, D, D, C, A, B... ♪
Are you just giving
them the answers?
They still have
to sign their names properly,
so we're not totally
out of woods.
Pause the assembly!
I have to talk to my wife.
Ned?
My rival.
Some rivalry.
It's like Secretariat
versus a can of dog food.
Edna, I'm sorry
and I'll say it in front of God
or groundskeeper Willie.
Oh, Ned, I'm sorry, too.
I overstepped your boundaries.
I guess I never really truly
cared about children before.
(all gasp)
Oh, get over it.
And Ned, I'll be exactly
as much mom as you
want me to be.
Hey, the Simpsons
make it up as they go along,
and they're as happy
as a ribbon in a Bible.
What do you say, sweetie?
Ha!
Mmm...
Mmm...
(cheering)
Now in our 50th location
in Springfield.
Sleazy Sam would like
to welcome our special
grand-opening star,
Jesus.
Welcome, money changers.
You can trust Sleazy Sam
for the best rates,
or my name isn't Jesus H...
Ow!
Are you gonna do that
every time I open one of these?
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
SINGERS: ♪ Hens love roosters,
geese love ganders ♪
♪ Everyone else loves
Ned Flanders ♪
(record needle skips)
NED: ♪ My mustache is bristly,
my letters are epistly ♪
♪ And I don't want
to mislead you ♪
♪ I like to hug and kissly ♪
EDNA: Ha!
♪ First base, yo,
I like Christian rap ♪
♪ A Bible on my lap ♪
HOMER: ♪ Will you stop
this stupid crap? ♪
♪ I want to take a nap. ♪
NED:
Okely-dokely.
Shh!
(school bell ringing)
(Barney belches)
(whistle blows)
(yells)
(beeping)
(playing the blues)
(playing the blues)
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
(grunting)
(yells)
(panting)
(couch squawks)
(Bart grunts)
♪ The Simpsons 23x21 ♪
Ned 'n' Edna's Blend
Original Air Date on May 7, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
(yells)
DIRECTOR:
Okay, people, we are trying
to depict
the sizzling final days
of the Nathan Lane of
the New Testament, Jesus Christ.
Now remember, this is
the Passion Play,
not The Phone It In Play.
Not the I Once Had Three Shows
on Broadway Simultaneously
But I Blew All My Money on Coke
and Now Here I Am Play,
so let's do this thing!
Hi. My name is
Milhouse Van Houten,
and I am auditioning for
the role of Child Who Points.
Yeah, okay, point stage left.
I prepared right!
Well, I better get going.
This is starting to feel
a little churchy.
Why do we have to audition
for the stupid play,
and Dad gets to leave?
I already have my part.
Man Who Buys Ticket,
But Doesn't Show Up.
Also, the Passion Play
isn't stupid.
It's the greatest story
ever told.
Maybe it was once,
but now there's
lots of better stories.
Krusty vs. the F.D.A.
Game Six of
the 2011 World Series.
Hitler mashups!
And Lenny's story about Cancun.
Yeah, why aren't we
doing Lenny's story?
That thing's hilarious.
Not so hilarious for me.
I nearly lost a toe.
That's what you get
for having a monkey
give you a foot massage.
My bucket list is my business.
Next audition!
Ah-ha-ha. Name's Ned Flanders.
Credits include Jesus
in the Passion Play last year,
Jesus in the Passion Play
the year before that,
Jesus, Jesus, a kindly hobo
who turns out to be--
you guessed it-- Saint Peter...
Enough! Enough, already.
I'm so bored I'm ready
to introduce myself
to my two assistants here.
You will be
a non-speaking Pharisee.
But-but-but...
Jesus didn't stammer!
His voice hit the back
of the theater!
He was a god who
turned water into wine
and did not wear shoes.
Ooh!
He said simple things
that many followed.
Just like me on Twitter!
(chuckles)
And he was tragically killed
while still in his 30s...
D'oh!
...after an all-night dinner.
Woo-hoo!
I'm your Jesus! Me!
Boom. Done.
This guy's perfect!
You understand why God
would have forsaken him.
(chuckling)
Well, congratulations, Homer.
I guess this is just
my cross to bear.
What's that a reference to?
Oh!
Ooh, nice and roomy.
Our Lord sure knew
how to keep 'em cool.
Dad?
Yes, sweetie?
First of all,
congratulations on
getting the lead.
Whee! Whee!
I just hope you're going
to take this seriously.
Oh, yes, Lisa.
Very seriously. Whee!
Dad, the story of the Passion
is the cornerstone
of the Christian faith.
And although I personally follow
the enlightened teachings
of Lord Buddha,
messing with Jesus
really gets people mad.
It's like wearing
a Florida State jersey
to a Florida game.
(gasps)
O Lord, why have you placed
this fearsome burden
on my shoulders?
(sobbing)
It'll be fine.
Just learn your lines.
Does Jesus have a big part
in this thing?
He's in every scene.
What?
(sobbing loudly)
Why do I succeed at everything
I audition for?
Dear Lord, I know you see all,
but trust me,
You do not want to see this.
And so our Lord was brought
before Pontius Pilate.
What's he in for?
He calls himself
"King of the Jews."
Oh, boy.
Okay, be straight with me.
You can probably plead this
down to crucifixion.
Do you call yourself
King of the Jews?
Thou sayest it.
(exclaiming)
He's good.
Wow, I'm so moved
I renounce science,
with the facts,
and the peer reviews,
and the hypotheses
tested by evidence.
What shall I do then with Jesus,
which is called Christ?
Crucify him!
They cannot judge me.
Only my father can judge me.
Crucify him!
I'll take you with me, old man!
Jesus was handed a heavy cross,
and upon his brow
was placed a crown...
Ooh!
Of thorns.
What the...?
(groans)
(crying)
Daughters of Jerusalem!
Weep not for me,
but weep for yourselves.
You know, Homer's giving it
the old Bible-college try.
Maybe I should've dialed down
the Doubting Thomas.
Silence, Pharisee!
(grunting)
Looks like someone didn't
follow the underwear rule!
This man is totally
the Son of God.
Tonight you shall be
at my right hand in heaven.
All right!
It pays to network
at these things.
Jesus cried again
with a loud voice
and yielded up his spirit.
(cries out in anguish)
(quietly):
Lord, forgive me for my pride.
All wise as always, you have
rightly raised Homer above me.
Never again will I question...
(yells)
Out of my way, stupid Flanders!
Ow!
Ah, I knew we should've done
Spamalot.
I'm not licked.
I'll just make them
think this was planned.
(imitates drum brushes)
♪ Who's to say ♪
♪ This didn't happen ♪
♪ Who's to say ♪
♪ And curtain! ♪
Diddily...
doodily...
No atheist blood, please.
Sorry, ma'am, only members of
the immediate family allowed in.
It's okay.
She's my wife.
(gasping)
Ned and Edna, married?
That's right. Ha!
CROWD: Wow!
Oh, my goodness.
Hey, Dad.
You remember when you said
if Flanders got remarried
you'd eat your hat?
Uh-oh.
Ooh, licorice!
Mmm, historically inaccurate.
Well, it was nice having a
secret marriage while it lasted.
Well, sir, now we'll
have an open marriage!
Um...
you do know what that means?
No, but I'm sure Newt Gingrich
wouldn't steer us wrong.
At least in the hospital
we can just enjoy a nice,
quiet moment together.
(chuckling)
Congratulations, you two!
We're so, so happy for you.
Welcome to marriage.
(laughs)
Another good man
bites the dust.
Homer!
I'm talking about this guy!
Oh, I sure envy him.
Homer!
I mean, I envy Flanders,
once again enjoying
the joys of marriage.
Let's put it to
a vote, America.
Enough with the voting.
Ned, Edna,
why didn't you tell us?
'Cause everyone in this town
makes such a big heckabaloo
out of everything.
Nedding bells are ringing.
See what happens
when Teachy met Preachy
on Channel 6,
your source for news-based puns.
I was just down the hall
getting some very bad news,
and I saw there was
a party going on.
Congratulations from the Mayor.
Vote Quimby.
Many happy returns!
Hope you're both happy.
Edna, as the runner-up
in the race for your heart,
I would like to make a toast.
My Dearest, let me be
the first to offer you
the hearty handshake
that would've climaxed
our own wedding day...
Seymour, did you use my wig glue
to patch your shoes again?
I tied them together
with used dental floss,
as per your memo!
Everybody out. Now!
(grumbling)
Not you.
Mmm.
O Lord, please bless
our blended family.
And thank you
for "cigarette mommy."
Oh, honey, please don't
call me that.
Okay, "do-over mommy."
Boys, you will please
call your new mother
whatever she feels
comfortable with.
How about "Edna?"
It's disrespectful
to call a grown-up
by their first name.
BART:
Yo, Homer,
Mom says get your fat ass
over to the Flanders'.
Bart! Don't call me that!
Which one?
"Homer" or "fat ass"?
HOMER:
Why, you little...
They're both bad, and
I suspect you know it!
BART: Get your hands off of me,
you fat ass!
(doorbell rings)
Ned, Edna.
We just want to apologize...
(growling)
for the commotion in your room.
People here do not
respect boundaries.
Homer, did you just buckle
your belt through my loop?
Sorry.
Well, we're here to offer
to throw you a little party
in your honor.
A little party might be fun.
The only guests at our wedding
were Ned's parents.
Look at those squares,
makin' it nice and legal.
We didn't need a piece of paper!
We had a paper, Nedward.
We just rolled it
and smoked it.
Oh, yeah.
We got high-diddily-high
on that reeferino.
Less news from the pews.
Okay, Simpsons.
Well, call me
a cock-eyed optimist
'cause I think some sort
of celebration party
might possibly be fun!
Great!
We'll take care of everything.
We'll just need to
borrow your punch bowl,
17 chairs,
your portable dance floor,
your banner printer,
banner ink,
and a ream of blank banners.
Okay, there's no school;
Your dad's at work;
And it's really coming down.
Anyone for Scrabble?
Only God can make words.
Right, right. Yahtzee?
Dice are Satan's bones.
What the hey, Mrs. K?
Thank God, a real kid.
You want my advice
on dealing with the Hardly Boys?
Why do you care?
I don't. I'm just bored
watching worms drown.
Okay, what do you got?
Well, what you got to do
is get them into the real world.
Skipping is cool!
Especially when
you're holding hands
with your brother.
If you don't act now,
when they grow up,
people like me are gonna take
all their money
and girlfriends.
Oh, come on. They're
not that hopeless.
I'm doing it!
I'm doing it!
(whimpers)
This is my third-favorite
wedding supply store.
Whoo! Look at these.
"Extreme weddings.
"Triathlon...
"Zero-G...
Tie the knot
at the top of Mount Everest"?
It's extreme enough for me
when they smear the wedding cake
on each other's faces.
So, Marge, the rumors are true.
Why did you get
to throw a party
for Ned and Edna and not me?
Well, you're all invited so you
can make your snippy comments
while you eat
my hors d'oeuvres.
Snippy? How can you say that
in those shoes?
(grunts)
They have Itchy and Scratchy
weddings?
(laughing)
Ready to go home, Ned?
I'm sorry, honey, but I'm
stuck in this meeting
of the Springfield LGBT.
The left-gifted
bidextrous
and transhanded community.
We're trying to decide
on the theme
for our Left is Right parade.
"Ourcissors, Ourselves."
How about, "Death to Righties"?
We have to live among them.
To live among them is to die.
(all arguing)
Oh, this could go late.
We haven't even ordered
pizzas and pop yet.
Could you handle Rod and Todd's
parent-teacher
conference for me?
Sure, I'd love
to be the parent for once.
Now I can bring a latte
and leave the cup
on the desk. Ha!
(glass breaks)
Sorry. I'm still
a pre-op transhander.
TEACHER:
Well, I must say at this school
we've never seen
a step-parent before.
Look, I'm a chalk jockey, too,
so don't slap ketchup on bread
and tell me it's Pizza Friday.
You teach with that mouth?
Yes. I teach at
Springfield Elementary,
and we believe that...
Public school?
Well, I'll be a monkey's
unrelated creature.
Well, we'll fit you
into our school prayers.
You do have science
here, right?
We sure do.
Behold advanced astronomy.
You pulled the boys
out of school?
Ned, I know I should have
consulted you,
but that school is
beneath them.
Take my word as a teacher
of 15 years.
Well, sir, when we got married,
I knew I'd find some spices
in my chili.
I guess they can go
to Springfield Hellementary.
Oh!
Mm-hmm.
(moaning)
Why are we here, Neddy?
Well, first of all,
I think talking dogs
are the spawn of the devil.
Yeah, but...
Secondly, we're watching
my little Toddy
graduate from college.
Oh, now aren't you glad
you let Edna take charge
of the boys' education?
Yep, it's lucky
she's not in my taxes
'cause I underestimated her.
Wait a minute.
Liberal professors,
feminist workshops,
abstract sculptures.
This isn't a Midwestern
Bible college.
This is an elite
East Coast university.
It's okay, Daddy.
I majored in religious studies.
Whew!
Comparative religious studies.
(screams)
(tires screech)
Give me your keys!
Maybe I'll just park it myself.
Why are you parking yourself?
Why are you parking yourself?
We haven't taken in
one car all day.
You really put on
a great reception, Marge.
It's like the happy flashback
in a gritty cop thriller.
Thank you.
Everyone's having a great time.
Uh-oh.
Helen, have a canapé.
There's enough for everyone.
But not too much.
(chuckles)
(gasps)
(both giggling)
Yar...
No weird hookups!
Call me!
I'm married to the sea,
and I'm seeing two of
the Great Lakes on the side.
I won't say which ones,
but it's eerie
how superior they are.
So how do the boys like
Springfield Elementary?
Marge, it's wonderful.
They're opening up,
they've seen a wider world.
I wrote with a Flair pen.
(chuckles)
Well, that's just great, boys.
Now come over here so
Mrs. Simpson can take a photo.
Make sure our temporary tats
are in the picture.
Mine's a sassy princess
who speaks her mind.
Oh!
Mine's a duck with no pants.
What if we were
raptured right now?
Ned, I said it was okay.
Yeah, chillax, Daddy.
Chillax? Young man
in the Flanders' house
we speak the King's diddily.
Time for cake!
Let's finish this sucker up.
You get my boys tattoos,
you change their school,
you buy Rod sneakers that light
up like Times Square.
Shoes are shoes
and lights are lights.
Now just when do I get a say
in how my boys are raised?!
This marriage isn't perfect!
(phones beeping)
No video! Party over!
Cake!
Too late, Marge.
Mm!
Ned, these boys trust me
to be their mother.
You'd better decide
whether you do.
(gasps)
And that's that.
Another story in the classic,
infallible three-act
structure.
Good enough for Aristotle,
good enough for the Simpsons.
Mr. Syzslak, I have
a feeling
there's gonna be one more act
to this story.
Well, I'm not hanging
around for that.
Four acts...
Ned, how did you sleep?
Fine, I guess.
Thanks for loaning me
your pajamas, Homer.
And Marge, thank you for those
helpful chip bag clips.
(clacking)
I just felt so ashamed,
I couldn't go home.
Yesterday
I gave in to the one thing
I vowed I would never have
in my marriage: strong feeling.
Here's your lunches...
with some cake.
You'll be having cake
for a long, long time.
Bart, aren't you
gonna tell Mom and Dad
about the problem you have?
Shut up!
I'm just saying
it won't get better
unless you talk to an adult.
Maggie knows how
to keep a secret.
Why can't you?
Bart, is there something
you want to tell us?
Oh, Marge, let the kid have
his embarrassing secrets
and lies.
That is totally
irresponsible parenting.
Not according to the Internet.
Where on the Internet?
I'm sure some idiot somewhere
agrees with me.
Why would you believe him?
Because his avatar
is Darth Maul,
the second-coolest Darth.
And what he says is true
because it's in all caps.
Are you gonna argue with caps?
Why does that make it right?
He took the time to press
the shift key, Marge.
I think he knows
what he's talking about.
So after all this time together
you two still haven't agreed
on how to raise your kids?
Ned, I realized long ago
there are some things
Homer and I will never
completely agree on.
(chuckles) Yeah,
but we make sure
never to go to bed hungry.
It's "angry."
Don't tell me
what our thing is!
It's about not
agreeing on something.
I've always said hungry!
Bart, just tell us the problem.
I'm keeping a dolphin
in my bathtub!
I thought I heard
clicks and pops!
(microphone feeds back)
Children, your test scores
are down
because we've been having
so many assemblies,
you haven't had time to study.
This assembly will remedy that.
We've invited
a few friends over
to give you some musical cues.
(piano plays bouncy intro)
I'm Sally Scantron Sheet.
And I'm Peter Pencil.
Now, you didn't hear it
from us,
but the answers
to the test are...
(to the tune of "Mary Had a Little Lamb"):
♪ A, B, D, D, C, A, B... ♪
Are you just giving
them the answers?
They still have
to sign their names properly,
so we're not totally
out of woods.
Pause the assembly!
I have to talk to my wife.
Ned?
My rival.
Some rivalry.
It's like Secretariat
versus a can of dog food.
Edna, I'm sorry
and I'll say it in front of God
or groundskeeper Willie.
Oh, Ned, I'm sorry, too.
I overstepped your boundaries.
I guess I never really truly
cared about children before.
(all gasp)
Oh, get over it.
And Ned, I'll be exactly
as much mom as you
want me to be.
Hey, the Simpsons
make it up as they go along,
and they're as happy
as a ribbon in a Bible.
What do you say, sweetie?
Ha!
Mmm...
Mmm...
(cheering)
Now in our 50th location
in Springfield.
Sleazy Sam would like
to welcome our special
grand-opening star,
Jesus.
Welcome, money changers.
You can trust Sleazy Sam
for the best rates,
or my name isn't Jesus H...
Ow!
Are you gonna do that
every time I open one of these?
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
SINGERS: ♪ Hens love roosters,
geese love ganders ♪
♪ Everyone else loves
Ned Flanders ♪
(record needle skips)
NED: ♪ My mustache is bristly,
my letters are epistly ♪
♪ And I don't want
to mislead you ♪
♪ I like to hug and kissly ♪
EDNA: Ha!
♪ First base, yo,
I like Christian rap ♪
♪ A Bible on my lap ♪
HOMER: ♪ Will you stop
this stupid crap? ♪
♪ I want to take a nap. ♪
NED:
Okely-dokely.
Shh!