The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 23, Episode 20 - The Spy Who Learned Me - full transcript
Homer uses his paid sick leave to improve his marriage, with the help of his imaginary friend, super-spy Stradivarius Cain. Meanwhile, Bart gets revenge on Nelson for stealing everyone's lunch money.
Argh!
D'oh!
(tires screech)
(grunts)
ANNOUNCER:
Raise your cards now.
Ooh...
HOMER: Whoo-hoo!
(whistle blows)
♪ The Simpsons 23x20 ♪
The Spy Who Learned Me
Original Air Date on May 6, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
(espionage-style music plays)
HOMER: Now that's what I call
going for a spin!
(grunts)
Now that's what I call
a snappy retort!
Stop saying
what you call things!
I'm trying to
watch the movie!
Welcome to annual conclave of
International Brotherhood
of Evil.
This year's theme: "Evil in the
Age of Social Media."
We have prepared
three breakout rooms
for small group discussion.
CROWD:
(applauds) Here, here!
These small rooms
are an excellent way
for villains to mingle
with super-villains.
But are you sure
we will not be bothered
by the American master-spy
Stradivarius Cain?
(gasps and murmuring)
Do not worry about Doctor Cain.
The last I saw him,
my beautiful mistress
was about to finish him off.
Yes, that's what I did.
You killed him, right?
Yes, he was
the perfect lover...
of being killed!
It's a weird sentence,
but let's move on.
My baker has prepared an edible
monument to Cain's demise.
(crowd chatters)
Party's over, General.
Stradivarius Cain?!
No...!
He turned that Russian guy
into Swiss cheese!
Homer!
People are here to see the
movie, not listen to you!
Hey, Homer, great
yell-outs tonight!
Lucky you, Marge!
You get to hear 'em the loudest!
You've ruined me
for other men!
That's my hobby.
This is my job.
Looks like that guy's got
turret's syndrome!
(both laugh)
I couldn't have thought of that
in 10,000 lifetimes!
(groans)
(Homer chuckles)
(chuckling continues)
Swiss cheese...
Marge, how come you're
not saying anything?
There was enough talking
during the movie.
This date night was even worse
than the date night
we saw Date Night.
(grunts)
Oh man, Marge is pissed.
HOMER: Look at her...
flaring her nostrils...
drumming her fingers...
making small noises like
she's yelling at me
inside her head...
(short multiple grunts)
Just take me home!
That's what she said!
LENNY: Another good one!
CARL: You're on fire...!
(whines)
(tires screech)
SKINNER (megaphone):
Attention, students:
In order to cut down
on the rash of
embarrassing YouTube videos
of our teachers,
we will be scanning you and
taking away your smartphones.
(kids grumbling)
KID: Make sure
I get this back.
A new low.
(sighs)
I should've taken that
superintendent job in Honduras.
My own donkey, all the sugarcane
I could suck...
if only I could stomach the
upside-down question marks.
Hm... Hm?!
(humming)
Hey Simpson. Let me
save you the trouble
of putting that money
back in your pocket.
NELSON:
Haw-haw!
Stupid Nelson!
I hate that guy.
My mom says bullies only bully
'cause they're scared.
NELSON:
Your mom's next!
You make dumb kids, lady.
Hm?
Hm.
(crow caws)
(electricity buzzing)
Boy, Homer, I gotta say,
Marge looked pretty easy
on the eyes last night.
And I know eye-ease!
Yeah.
Uh-oh.
Trouble in paradise?
No, just my marriage.
BOTH: Woo...
(whines)
Honey, it's me again.
I can't work knowing
that you're mad at me.
I just wanna hear
your voice.
And I'm counting the minutes
till the whistle blows,
then I go to Moe's,
then I rush home to you.
(tires screech) Ooh! Explain this
infernal wheel to me again.
Left for left,
right for right!
Enough of your double-talk!
(yelling)
(grunting)
(shouting, grunts)
Excellent.
He's alive.
Smithers, give this man
one Ibuprofen,
uncoated, and send him back
to his workstation.
Sir, Simpson has sustained a
serious concussion.
Recent research says you must
give him time off to recover.
Oh, pish.
When I was in Africa, I had my
skull cracked open
by cannibals,
and I'm still kicking!
Sir, that was your partner.
You betrayed him
to the cannibals.
(chuckling):
Oh, that's right.
I have his memories
because I ate his brain.
Mr. Burns, you have to
give this man something.
He could sue us for all we've got!
Mm...
Fine. Eight weeks off
with pay.
(shrieks)
That's a good thing.
But you said it so mean.
(tires screech)
(chuckles)
Eight weeks paid vacation,
and all because of
a little bump on the noggin.
(liquid trickling)
(grunts)
Hey, Marge, here's something
that'll make you happy!
Not in the mood!
No, this is really good.
I...
Nelson took
my lunch money again.
Now, listen, Lisa...
(saxophone playing)
Hold that thought.
I'm tuning my saxophone.
(blows note) Sharp.
(blows note) Flat.
(blows note) Sharp. (blows note) Flat.
No one will tell me if
I'm a ghost or not!
Well, I just got...
(heart beating)
Got what, Homer?
Uh...
I got...
Shelbyville radio
in my car for a few minutes.
(groans) Homer,
I'm a single mother
trying to raise a family here.
But you're not...
Just zip it!
(all complaining)
I have eight weeks
paid vacation,
and my family doesn't know.
Whoo-hoo.
Honey, I'm off to work!
You know...
maybe I should call in sick.
We could visit all
our old romantic haunts
that have closed and turned into
temporary Halloween stores.
I have to take Maggie
for her checkup.
And a guy's coming to see what
the smell is under the house.
I get it. You need
your Marge time.
(sighs) Well, I'm...
off to work.
(giggling)
(grunts)
FLANDERS:
Ow! Ow!
My feet hurt,
and my neck is cold.
(grunts)
KRABAPPEL:
(yawns) Children,
I didn't get
much sleep last night,
because I was up late again,
lamenting the choices I've made.
Haw-haw!
You can't change the past.
Just for that, you can go
to the principal's office,
while the rest of the class
enjoys... a movie day.
(cheering, gunfire)
Krustyburger: Every day
thousands of people
wolf down his "kwazy cuisine"
thinking they're getting
the nutrients
a human being needs to live.
But for 30 days,
this reporter
ate nothing but this
joker's deck of carbs.
And I say:
(thunder rumbles)
Do you want lies with that?
Oh great. Another documentary
making me look like a scuzzbag.
What is it this time?
That the town I sponsor in
Africa doesn't exist?
Prove it!
Film all of Africa!
Day 12:
I've gained 20 pounds.
As for my cholesterol...
It's bad. You can just
scrape it right off.
But still I soldier on
with my "Laffy Meal."
(grunting and gagging)
(humming)
Hey, this is all
above-board.
DESMOND:
One month
of eating Krustyburger
and nothing else
has transformed me
into a morbidly obese,
toilet-busting American.
If I don't have
some kind of nugget
every five minutes, I'll die.
I'm so weak...
I can't even fill out
this application
for "Documentary Film Oscar."
DESMOND:
But it'll be worth it
if my suffering teaches Krusty
the value of proper nutrition.
You're gonna be my
breakfast English sausage!
(crazy laugh)
(Erik Satie's
Gymnopedies 3 For Piano plays)
Hm...
(Bart chuckles)
Man, when you're not at work,
you see so many
beautiful things.
(Irlandaise - Claude Bolling
Suite For Flute & Jazz Piano Trio)
(snoring)
(choking)
(snoring)
(Homer chuckles) And now,
because it's afternoon,
I can go to Moe's without having
a "drinking problem." (chuckles)
(beer pouring)
Hey, Homer.
I could hear your
pathetic rationalizing
through the door.
Well, why can't I
hang out at the bar all day?
My wife doesn't want to
be with me.
Look, I'd love to discuss
your problems,
but a pack of raccoons
took over my back room
and today's the day
I make my stand.
(wild screaming,
raccoons chittering)
MOE: Aah! Aah!
There's more than I thought!
I wish I could
pull down my zipper
and that guy would come out.
CAIN: Stranger things
have happened, Homer.
(screams)
Stradivarius Cain!
What the...?
Am I losing my marbles?
No, I'm just
an illusion caused by
the concussion you suffered
at the plant.
Can I put my hand
through you?
If you want.
C'mon... really?
Show a little class.
Sorry.
Now I'm about to undertake
my toughest mission ever:
to make you into a man
your wife can't resist.
What the...?
No one can see you!
Other people's imaginary
friends can see me.
(groans)
Hello, Dr. Cain.
Hello, Hufnpuffalus.
Sorry I slept
with your girlfriend.
You did me
a favor, man.
(Nelson humming)
Lunch money, lunch money,
lunch money.
Hey, Lis.
Nelson, don't you want
my lunch money?
Nah. Chicks wind up
getting all your money anyway.
That's sexist,
but thank you.
Now I gotta go liberate some
cash from your brother.
Well, if you must.
See if you can find out
where my dolls are.
You might not like
the answer.
I just want closure.
Simpson, you know
why I'm here.
Nelson, I could give you
my lunch money...
or I could give you...
Lunch?
Actual lunch?!
Look at all them burgers
and fries.
I didn't know they served
these things warm!
Aw... they feel
like a baby's head.
I just thank God you didn't take
my coupons.
Got enough for a month.
Free hamburger?!
Mmm-mmm-mmm!
No, you give them
the coupon,
and they give you
the hamburger.
I knew that.
(chuckles)
I must say,
whoever installed
your car's secret weapons
did a great job hiding them.
Yeah, Dr. Cain, the thing
about that is...
uh, there aren't any weapons.
What?! Well, does your car at
least turn into something else?
Sometimes Marge says I turn it
into a trashcan.
Hmm... (groans).
Homer, you are going
to clean up this car,
put on cologne, and become
a sparkling conversationalist.
Sounds like you're turning
into wife number two.
I can do that.
So, stick with Marge!
(Homer gasping)
Whoa, what's going on
there, Lou?
Well, if you ask me,
Chief...
(low groan)
All right,
what does this mean?
Childhood obesity...
(chuckles)
it's not funny anymore!
Breakfast cereals where the
surprise inside is diabetes
and soda cups the size
of hot tubs
have made every state
Mississippi-fat.
Mmm-mmm!
(gasps) That's Nelson!
No, you're imagining
things.
What else you got?
Just bubbling oil.
Stand back
and give me a straw.
(gasps)
Now, the ultimate test:
I want you to convince...
that woman
to give herself to you
body and soul.
But I'm a married man.
Yeah, I know.
A married man is never attracted
to a beautiful woman
he doesn't even know,
but this will give you the
confidence you need with Marge.
Okay, I'll make
a stranger love me forever.
And Homer, remember:
it doesn't matter
what you say
as long as you say it
with confidence.
Mm-hmm!
My dear, did you just
fall from heaven?
'Cause your hair looks
really messed up.
Okay, it matters
a little what you say.
Moving on...
You know what wood
makes the best
ventriloquist dummy?
Maple.
How many hardboiled eggs
do you think I can eat?
(groans)
Look, just say this:
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm!
When I was in special ops,
they held me in
an Afghan prison
where all I could see
was a patch of blue sky.
But that blue was
nothing compared
to the blue
of your eyes.
Oh... I am a sucker
for articulate fatsos.
Homer looks over at Cain, who
smiles and nods.
(giggles)
MAN:
What is this?
I leave for two seconds
to get chocolate martinis,
and my wife is expertly seduced
by this pork empanada!
(gasps)
What do I do?
Squirt that lemon
in his eye!
You think a lemon
will stop me?!
A lime! No...!
(laughing)
Did you see the guy?
(humming)
Marge, what brings you
to the S.N.P.P.?
Homie's been working
so hard.
I thought I'd bring him
a special lunch.
Marge, you're a blue angel.
And I'm not talking ' about
those pilots that hot dog in
an air show while the real men
are in combat.
But I gotta ask:
where's Homer working?
Here, right?
Not since Burns gave him
that time off.
What is this? Week six?
What?!
I knew there was a reason
he was leaving on time!
Oh, I can't believe this!
(tires squeal)
What'd you say to her?
I don't know.
I thought I was
making small talk.
But it turned out
to be big talk.
(Krusty, chimpanzee
grunting loudly)
What?!
Krusty!
This once-vibrant
young bully
won't even live to pick on kids
in junior high!
Because he's been eating
nothing but your food!
Atta boy!
(coughs)
Got any fries, man?
I just need a couple.
Not my responsibility.
He didn't have
to order that crap.
We've got yogurt
and salad on the menu!
Do you actually serve
those items?
No. Mmm...
All right, kid,
to make this right,
I'm gonna hook you up
with my personal trainer.
Billy, get this kid
into superhero shape!
Hugh Jackman Wolverine?
I'm not made of money.
Alicia Silverstone Batgirl?
He's that now.
(tires screech)
(humming)
(gasps)
Busy day at work?
Did you get a lot
of work done, workerman?
What do I do?
What do I do?!
Take her by those shoulders
she never covers
and tell her the truth.
You're right, Marge,
I lied.
Don't give me
that load of... Huh?
I got a head injury
at work,
and they gave me eight
weeks paid vacation.
Head injury?!
Why didn't you tell me?
And I spent all
that time learning
how to be a
better husband.
The kind of husband you deserve.
Wha...?
Kiss her.
Kiss her while I watch.
(gasps)
(both moaning)
Mmm...
HOMER:
The three of us are going
to the most romantic restaurant
in town.
This car's so clean!
I'm not getting flea bites
on my ankles!
I have bug-bombed
the car for m'lady.
(giggles)
MARGE:
Whoo!
Whoo!
(grunts)
(gasps)
(groans)
We meet again!
Looking for this?
He won't be out for long.
Flee, my love!
(panting)
Why is he trying
to kill you,
and why did she call
you her love?
It was all
a training exercise
to make me smooth
for you.
Of course, she fell for me,
and of course,
I wanted no part of her.
Now the only one who can help us
is Stradivarius Cain.
The guy from the movie?
I'll explain later.
Strad, come back!
I know you're in there!
No.
Not you.
Big fan, but no.
Cleatus the football robot,
you're my only hope!
(Fox NFL theme plays)
No one likes you!
(machinery whirs)
DRUG LORD: How can a
fat man hide so well?
(hushed):
Strad, where are you?
You can handle him, Homer.
Just remember
what I taught you.
When I was in special ops,
they held me in
an Afghan prison
where all I could see was
a patch of blue sky.
But that blue was
nothing compared
with the blue of your eyes.
I cannot kill
a poet like you.
And you are
a very lucky woman.
This is why I always say
"mingle at parties."
It's how I met
Greg Kinnear.
Ay! With the
Greg Kinnear again.
Can't friends talk
about friends?
He is not
your friend!
Then why did he say he'd call me
when he comes to Bolivia?
(sighs)
We used to be like them.
Mmm.
So, how many more weeks
do you have off?
Actually, I was supposed
to be back last week.
(laughs)
We'll just wait for the call
from Human Resources.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
I guess my work here is done.
But Stradivarius Cain will
return in "Lisa Gets a B Plus."
(gunshot)
I knew you were mad at me.
At the risk
of inflaming Sister Fate,
this bully-free period
has been an Arcadian idyll!
Here, here!
Idyll!
(gasping)
Ha-ha!
(grunts)
(gasping, clamoring)
(Nelson, kids grunting)
I administer with this nose.
This is a happy ending?
Well, he's tough on nerds,
but easy on the eyes.
What'd you just say?
Nothing.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Shh!
D'oh!
(tires screech)
(grunts)
ANNOUNCER:
Raise your cards now.
Ooh...
HOMER: Whoo-hoo!
(whistle blows)
♪ The Simpsons 23x20 ♪
The Spy Who Learned Me
Original Air Date on May 6, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
(espionage-style music plays)
HOMER: Now that's what I call
going for a spin!
(grunts)
Now that's what I call
a snappy retort!
Stop saying
what you call things!
I'm trying to
watch the movie!
Welcome to annual conclave of
International Brotherhood
of Evil.
This year's theme: "Evil in the
Age of Social Media."
We have prepared
three breakout rooms
for small group discussion.
CROWD:
(applauds) Here, here!
These small rooms
are an excellent way
for villains to mingle
with super-villains.
But are you sure
we will not be bothered
by the American master-spy
Stradivarius Cain?
(gasps and murmuring)
Do not worry about Doctor Cain.
The last I saw him,
my beautiful mistress
was about to finish him off.
Yes, that's what I did.
You killed him, right?
Yes, he was
the perfect lover...
of being killed!
It's a weird sentence,
but let's move on.
My baker has prepared an edible
monument to Cain's demise.
(crowd chatters)
Party's over, General.
Stradivarius Cain?!
No...!
He turned that Russian guy
into Swiss cheese!
Homer!
People are here to see the
movie, not listen to you!
Hey, Homer, great
yell-outs tonight!
Lucky you, Marge!
You get to hear 'em the loudest!
You've ruined me
for other men!
That's my hobby.
This is my job.
Looks like that guy's got
turret's syndrome!
(both laugh)
I couldn't have thought of that
in 10,000 lifetimes!
(groans)
(Homer chuckles)
(chuckling continues)
Swiss cheese...
Marge, how come you're
not saying anything?
There was enough talking
during the movie.
This date night was even worse
than the date night
we saw Date Night.
(grunts)
Oh man, Marge is pissed.
HOMER: Look at her...
flaring her nostrils...
drumming her fingers...
making small noises like
she's yelling at me
inside her head...
(short multiple grunts)
Just take me home!
That's what she said!
LENNY: Another good one!
CARL: You're on fire...!
(whines)
(tires screech)
SKINNER (megaphone):
Attention, students:
In order to cut down
on the rash of
embarrassing YouTube videos
of our teachers,
we will be scanning you and
taking away your smartphones.
(kids grumbling)
KID: Make sure
I get this back.
A new low.
(sighs)
I should've taken that
superintendent job in Honduras.
My own donkey, all the sugarcane
I could suck...
if only I could stomach the
upside-down question marks.
Hm... Hm?!
(humming)
Hey Simpson. Let me
save you the trouble
of putting that money
back in your pocket.
NELSON:
Haw-haw!
Stupid Nelson!
I hate that guy.
My mom says bullies only bully
'cause they're scared.
NELSON:
Your mom's next!
You make dumb kids, lady.
Hm?
Hm.
(crow caws)
(electricity buzzing)
Boy, Homer, I gotta say,
Marge looked pretty easy
on the eyes last night.
And I know eye-ease!
Yeah.
Uh-oh.
Trouble in paradise?
No, just my marriage.
BOTH: Woo...
(whines)
Honey, it's me again.
I can't work knowing
that you're mad at me.
I just wanna hear
your voice.
And I'm counting the minutes
till the whistle blows,
then I go to Moe's,
then I rush home to you.
(tires screech) Ooh! Explain this
infernal wheel to me again.
Left for left,
right for right!
Enough of your double-talk!
(yelling)
(grunting)
(shouting, grunts)
Excellent.
He's alive.
Smithers, give this man
one Ibuprofen,
uncoated, and send him back
to his workstation.
Sir, Simpson has sustained a
serious concussion.
Recent research says you must
give him time off to recover.
Oh, pish.
When I was in Africa, I had my
skull cracked open
by cannibals,
and I'm still kicking!
Sir, that was your partner.
You betrayed him
to the cannibals.
(chuckling):
Oh, that's right.
I have his memories
because I ate his brain.
Mr. Burns, you have to
give this man something.
He could sue us for all we've got!
Mm...
Fine. Eight weeks off
with pay.
(shrieks)
That's a good thing.
But you said it so mean.
(tires screech)
(chuckles)
Eight weeks paid vacation,
and all because of
a little bump on the noggin.
(liquid trickling)
(grunts)
Hey, Marge, here's something
that'll make you happy!
Not in the mood!
No, this is really good.
I...
Nelson took
my lunch money again.
Now, listen, Lisa...
(saxophone playing)
Hold that thought.
I'm tuning my saxophone.
(blows note) Sharp.
(blows note) Flat.
(blows note) Sharp. (blows note) Flat.
No one will tell me if
I'm a ghost or not!
Well, I just got...
(heart beating)
Got what, Homer?
Uh...
I got...
Shelbyville radio
in my car for a few minutes.
(groans) Homer,
I'm a single mother
trying to raise a family here.
But you're not...
Just zip it!
(all complaining)
I have eight weeks
paid vacation,
and my family doesn't know.
Whoo-hoo.
Honey, I'm off to work!
You know...
maybe I should call in sick.
We could visit all
our old romantic haunts
that have closed and turned into
temporary Halloween stores.
I have to take Maggie
for her checkup.
And a guy's coming to see what
the smell is under the house.
I get it. You need
your Marge time.
(sighs) Well, I'm...
off to work.
(giggling)
(grunts)
FLANDERS:
Ow! Ow!
My feet hurt,
and my neck is cold.
(grunts)
KRABAPPEL:
(yawns) Children,
I didn't get
much sleep last night,
because I was up late again,
lamenting the choices I've made.
Haw-haw!
You can't change the past.
Just for that, you can go
to the principal's office,
while the rest of the class
enjoys... a movie day.
(cheering, gunfire)
Krustyburger: Every day
thousands of people
wolf down his "kwazy cuisine"
thinking they're getting
the nutrients
a human being needs to live.
But for 30 days,
this reporter
ate nothing but this
joker's deck of carbs.
And I say:
(thunder rumbles)
Do you want lies with that?
Oh great. Another documentary
making me look like a scuzzbag.
What is it this time?
That the town I sponsor in
Africa doesn't exist?
Prove it!
Film all of Africa!
Day 12:
I've gained 20 pounds.
As for my cholesterol...
It's bad. You can just
scrape it right off.
But still I soldier on
with my "Laffy Meal."
(grunting and gagging)
(humming)
Hey, this is all
above-board.
DESMOND:
One month
of eating Krustyburger
and nothing else
has transformed me
into a morbidly obese,
toilet-busting American.
If I don't have
some kind of nugget
every five minutes, I'll die.
I'm so weak...
I can't even fill out
this application
for "Documentary Film Oscar."
DESMOND:
But it'll be worth it
if my suffering teaches Krusty
the value of proper nutrition.
You're gonna be my
breakfast English sausage!
(crazy laugh)
(Erik Satie's
Gymnopedies 3 For Piano plays)
Hm...
(Bart chuckles)
Man, when you're not at work,
you see so many
beautiful things.
(Irlandaise - Claude Bolling
Suite For Flute & Jazz Piano Trio)
(snoring)
(choking)
(snoring)
(Homer chuckles) And now,
because it's afternoon,
I can go to Moe's without having
a "drinking problem." (chuckles)
(beer pouring)
Hey, Homer.
I could hear your
pathetic rationalizing
through the door.
Well, why can't I
hang out at the bar all day?
My wife doesn't want to
be with me.
Look, I'd love to discuss
your problems,
but a pack of raccoons
took over my back room
and today's the day
I make my stand.
(wild screaming,
raccoons chittering)
MOE: Aah! Aah!
There's more than I thought!
I wish I could
pull down my zipper
and that guy would come out.
CAIN: Stranger things
have happened, Homer.
(screams)
Stradivarius Cain!
What the...?
Am I losing my marbles?
No, I'm just
an illusion caused by
the concussion you suffered
at the plant.
Can I put my hand
through you?
If you want.
C'mon... really?
Show a little class.
Sorry.
Now I'm about to undertake
my toughest mission ever:
to make you into a man
your wife can't resist.
What the...?
No one can see you!
Other people's imaginary
friends can see me.
(groans)
Hello, Dr. Cain.
Hello, Hufnpuffalus.
Sorry I slept
with your girlfriend.
You did me
a favor, man.
(Nelson humming)
Lunch money, lunch money,
lunch money.
Hey, Lis.
Nelson, don't you want
my lunch money?
Nah. Chicks wind up
getting all your money anyway.
That's sexist,
but thank you.
Now I gotta go liberate some
cash from your brother.
Well, if you must.
See if you can find out
where my dolls are.
You might not like
the answer.
I just want closure.
Simpson, you know
why I'm here.
Nelson, I could give you
my lunch money...
or I could give you...
Lunch?
Actual lunch?!
Look at all them burgers
and fries.
I didn't know they served
these things warm!
Aw... they feel
like a baby's head.
I just thank God you didn't take
my coupons.
Got enough for a month.
Free hamburger?!
Mmm-mmm-mmm!
No, you give them
the coupon,
and they give you
the hamburger.
I knew that.
(chuckles)
I must say,
whoever installed
your car's secret weapons
did a great job hiding them.
Yeah, Dr. Cain, the thing
about that is...
uh, there aren't any weapons.
What?! Well, does your car at
least turn into something else?
Sometimes Marge says I turn it
into a trashcan.
Hmm... (groans).
Homer, you are going
to clean up this car,
put on cologne, and become
a sparkling conversationalist.
Sounds like you're turning
into wife number two.
I can do that.
So, stick with Marge!
(Homer gasping)
Whoa, what's going on
there, Lou?
Well, if you ask me,
Chief...
(low groan)
All right,
what does this mean?
Childhood obesity...
(chuckles)
it's not funny anymore!
Breakfast cereals where the
surprise inside is diabetes
and soda cups the size
of hot tubs
have made every state
Mississippi-fat.
Mmm-mmm!
(gasps) That's Nelson!
No, you're imagining
things.
What else you got?
Just bubbling oil.
Stand back
and give me a straw.
(gasps)
Now, the ultimate test:
I want you to convince...
that woman
to give herself to you
body and soul.
But I'm a married man.
Yeah, I know.
A married man is never attracted
to a beautiful woman
he doesn't even know,
but this will give you the
confidence you need with Marge.
Okay, I'll make
a stranger love me forever.
And Homer, remember:
it doesn't matter
what you say
as long as you say it
with confidence.
Mm-hmm!
My dear, did you just
fall from heaven?
'Cause your hair looks
really messed up.
Okay, it matters
a little what you say.
Moving on...
You know what wood
makes the best
ventriloquist dummy?
Maple.
How many hardboiled eggs
do you think I can eat?
(groans)
Look, just say this:
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm!
When I was in special ops,
they held me in
an Afghan prison
where all I could see
was a patch of blue sky.
But that blue was
nothing compared
to the blue
of your eyes.
Oh... I am a sucker
for articulate fatsos.
Homer looks over at Cain, who
smiles and nods.
(giggles)
MAN:
What is this?
I leave for two seconds
to get chocolate martinis,
and my wife is expertly seduced
by this pork empanada!
(gasps)
What do I do?
Squirt that lemon
in his eye!
You think a lemon
will stop me?!
A lime! No...!
(laughing)
Did you see the guy?
(humming)
Marge, what brings you
to the S.N.P.P.?
Homie's been working
so hard.
I thought I'd bring him
a special lunch.
Marge, you're a blue angel.
And I'm not talking ' about
those pilots that hot dog in
an air show while the real men
are in combat.
But I gotta ask:
where's Homer working?
Here, right?
Not since Burns gave him
that time off.
What is this? Week six?
What?!
I knew there was a reason
he was leaving on time!
Oh, I can't believe this!
(tires squeal)
What'd you say to her?
I don't know.
I thought I was
making small talk.
But it turned out
to be big talk.
(Krusty, chimpanzee
grunting loudly)
What?!
Krusty!
This once-vibrant
young bully
won't even live to pick on kids
in junior high!
Because he's been eating
nothing but your food!
Atta boy!
(coughs)
Got any fries, man?
I just need a couple.
Not my responsibility.
He didn't have
to order that crap.
We've got yogurt
and salad on the menu!
Do you actually serve
those items?
No. Mmm...
All right, kid,
to make this right,
I'm gonna hook you up
with my personal trainer.
Billy, get this kid
into superhero shape!
Hugh Jackman Wolverine?
I'm not made of money.
Alicia Silverstone Batgirl?
He's that now.
(tires screech)
(humming)
(gasps)
Busy day at work?
Did you get a lot
of work done, workerman?
What do I do?
What do I do?!
Take her by those shoulders
she never covers
and tell her the truth.
You're right, Marge,
I lied.
Don't give me
that load of... Huh?
I got a head injury
at work,
and they gave me eight
weeks paid vacation.
Head injury?!
Why didn't you tell me?
And I spent all
that time learning
how to be a
better husband.
The kind of husband you deserve.
Wha...?
Kiss her.
Kiss her while I watch.
(gasps)
(both moaning)
Mmm...
HOMER:
The three of us are going
to the most romantic restaurant
in town.
This car's so clean!
I'm not getting flea bites
on my ankles!
I have bug-bombed
the car for m'lady.
(giggles)
MARGE:
Whoo!
Whoo!
(grunts)
(gasps)
(groans)
We meet again!
Looking for this?
He won't be out for long.
Flee, my love!
(panting)
Why is he trying
to kill you,
and why did she call
you her love?
It was all
a training exercise
to make me smooth
for you.
Of course, she fell for me,
and of course,
I wanted no part of her.
Now the only one who can help us
is Stradivarius Cain.
The guy from the movie?
I'll explain later.
Strad, come back!
I know you're in there!
No.
Not you.
Big fan, but no.
Cleatus the football robot,
you're my only hope!
(Fox NFL theme plays)
No one likes you!
(machinery whirs)
DRUG LORD: How can a
fat man hide so well?
(hushed):
Strad, where are you?
You can handle him, Homer.
Just remember
what I taught you.
When I was in special ops,
they held me in
an Afghan prison
where all I could see was
a patch of blue sky.
But that blue was
nothing compared
with the blue of your eyes.
I cannot kill
a poet like you.
And you are
a very lucky woman.
This is why I always say
"mingle at parties."
It's how I met
Greg Kinnear.
Ay! With the
Greg Kinnear again.
Can't friends talk
about friends?
He is not
your friend!
Then why did he say he'd call me
when he comes to Bolivia?
(sighs)
We used to be like them.
Mmm.
So, how many more weeks
do you have off?
Actually, I was supposed
to be back last week.
(laughs)
We'll just wait for the call
from Human Resources.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
I guess my work here is done.
But Stradivarius Cain will
return in "Lisa Gets a B Plus."
(gunshot)
I knew you were mad at me.
At the risk
of inflaming Sister Fate,
this bully-free period
has been an Arcadian idyll!
Here, here!
Idyll!
(gasping)
Ha-ha!
(grunts)
(gasping, clamoring)
(Nelson, kids grunting)
I administer with this nose.
This is a happy ending?
Well, he's tough on nerds,
but easy on the eyes.
What'd you just say?
Nothing.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Shh!