The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 23, Episode 2 - Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts - full transcript

Principal Skinner challenges superintendent Gary Chalmers to take over Bart's education after one of Bart's pranks leads to a school fundraiser debacle. Chalmers takes an unconventional approach to teaching American history which sparks a fascination in President Teddy Roosevelt. Encouraged by Bart's educational renaissance, Chalmers takes Bart and his band of "Rough Riders" on an overnight excursion to Springfield Forest, but after a minor accident, the school administration fires Chalmers for taking the boys on an unauthorized field trip. Determined to get Chalmers' job back, Bart and the boys hold the school hostage until the administration reinstates Chalmers, and they stand up for the teacher who made a meaningful impact.

The simpsons? Wha...!

(exclaiming)

(school bell ringing)

(barney belches)

(whistle blows)

(yells)

(beeping)

(playing the blues)

(playing the blues)

(tires screeching)

D'oh!



(tires screeching)

Beer!

(assorted cartoon sound effects)

God, I love to watch
that woman get beer.

(fart)
(laughing)

You little...!

(blubbering)

D'oh!

(contented blubbering)

They always come up with such
catchy ways to make us pay

For things we don't need
for kids we didn't want.

Wow-- the gym ropes
are seaweed,

The basketball nets
are fishing nets...

Yarr! Just plastic.



Which is healthier
than what you find in the ocean.

Buy a springfield elementary
t-shirt?

I don't want people to know my
kids go to this lousy school.

We also have t-shirts from
other schools.

Marge:
Ooh!

We can wear those
to the nice mall.

(grunting)

And now it's time for lights,
camera, auction! (chuckles)

No cameras.

Ooh, first item up for bid
is always a favorite,

Lunch with principal skinner.

I'll just leave the food on your
doorstep and ring the bell.

Moving on.

Next up for auction is this
wonderful bench hand-crafted

By our second-grade class.

Don't buy it.

I bought one last year and
it was crap construction.

Shh.

Do I hear $50?

Paddles down.

It's the only way
to change the system.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Calling from England?

Certainly I can put you
on speakerphone.

(bart in british lady's voice):
I am edith knickertwist,

An eccentric widow.

For this masterpiece, I bid

$1,000.

(all gasping)

Sold.

To the mysterious and unverified
mrs. Knickertwist.

Next item:
Our school band will play

At a function of your choice.

I bid $4,000.

Well, it looks like
our model solar-system

Will finally get an earth.

And that concludes
tonight's auction,

Which has raised a school
record $116,000.

(cheering)

And our windfall is all thanks

To our dear new friend
on the phone.

'allo, luvs!

Mm. I've got a bad feeling
about this.

I'm mrs. Knickertwist.

And I've had a proper
hardy-har at your expense.

(laughs)

Why do I believe everything
I hear in a british accent?

He has thrust upon us
the motley of the tomfool.

I wore this all night
for nothing?

(groans)

(angry muttering)

Mr. Simpson, I know you're not
one of our wealthier parents,

But surely you'll honor
your son's enormous debt.

Why, of course.

Even if I don't have a
legal obligation to pay,

It's clearly the right
thing to do.

Here's $1,000,

$2,000, $3,000...

Oh, I need more cash.

Better go to my invisible atm.

(humming tune)

What? Two dollar charge
for non-network bank?

Oh!
(dejected):
Oh.

Chalmers (bellowing):
Skin-ner!

Yes, sir?

I was very pleased with
your work last night.

Really?

Nope. Fooled again.

I'd say you're dumb as a post,

But at least you can put
a sign on a post

That says "fresh
strawberries-- one mile."

You are a nitwit
in an ill-fitting suit.

I'll have you know
I'm lop-shouldered.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

I said, I'm lop-shouldered.

And I have been since
I was hung by my armpits

In a north vietnamese prison.

I... I didn't know that.

Oh, the list of things
you don't know could fill

A week's worth of morning
announcements,

With enough left over
for a send-home flyer.

There's no need for
hyperbole, seymour.

If you think it's so easy
to handle bart simpson,

Why don't you do
it yourself?

(cheering)

You tell him, seymour.

As some guy said to some
dude with a beard,

"death to tyrants."

You mean booth
and lincoln?

I'm not the history teacher.

Anymore.

Fine. I will personally take
over bart simpson's education--

And for once, that boy's
going to learn something.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm expecting an important call

And cell phone coverage
in here is, uh, spotty.

Oh, nicely done, seymour.

I guess there's some stones
in your leaf bag after all.

While I'm on a roll,
I'm gonna call

That carpet cleaning service

And tell them our hallway
doesn't count as a room.

Hello, is andré there?

Oh, yes, I'll hold.

I know I can superintend--
superintend like the wind--

But teach?

It's been years.

And we both know how that went,
don't we, gary?

So, you are the so-called
breakfast club.

Wrong room.
We're the fight club.

♪ don't you ♪

♪ forget about me ♪

♪ don't, don't, don't, don't ♪

♪ don't you... ♪

Thank god they never went on
to do anything since.

So, simpson, you'll be
studying with me now.

Same garbage,
different dumpster.

We'll start with
american history.

Now, I'm sure you know
who these gentlemen are.

Bart: Dollar bill guy,
five dollar bill guy,

Sex guy,
will ferrell, black guy.

(sighs)

Bart, what if I told you
there was a president

Who was an actual cowboy?

I'd act like I'm interested,
but inside I'd be bored.

That's as good a place
to start as any.

Theodore roosevelt:
...Great fundamental issue

Now before our people...

...Can be stated briefly.

It is, are the american people
fit to govern themselves,

To rule themselves,
to control themselves.

I believe they are.
My opponents do not.

Hey, this roosevelt guy
was sort of interesting.

Did you know he was
a colonel in the army?

You don't say.

And one time, during a speech,
he was shot by a saloon-keeper,

But teddy finished his speech
before heading to the hospital.

Aha! I'm mad at you
for some reason.

Townsfolk (chanting):
Teddy, teddy, teddy...

I've never said this before,
but I'd like to learn more.

Man, teddy roosevelt killed
more spaniards in one day

Than most people do
in their whole lives.

You know,
I hate to say this, bart,

But the library is
about to close.

Really?

I wanted to learn more
about trust busting.

Take that, standard oil.

Tomorrow, son.
Tomorrow.

Well, I've learned
a lot today.

Now, to go home and let tv
slowly rot it all away.

Eh-eh-eh.
Not so fast.

Teddy roosevelt believed
you could learn from books.

But he also believed
you can learn

Just as much from
the out-of-doors.

I thought teachers only went
outdoors to smoke and cry.

Yes.

Son, have you ever seen a horse
your father wasn't betting on?

No, sir.

Come with me.

(chalmers laughing heartily)

(whinnying)

So, bart, what have
you learned so far?

Well, when horses poop,
they don't stop.

They just keep walking.
Yes, yes.

Well, here's another
fun fact for you.

All around you is
a national park

Created by teddy roosevelt.

Mm!

Wow!

And here I thought
god created all this.

Thanks for
setting me straight.

Well, wait, I didn't
mean that.

You've filled my head with
horse poop and atheism.

And all these years,
I thought I was unteachable.

Let's stop talking now.

"a man who is good enough to
shed his blood for the country

Is good enough to be given
a square deal afterwards."

Just quoting our 26th
president, lise.

You could use a little
t.R. In your life.

Please.

I went through my t.R.
Phase in first grade.

Now I realize that the greatest
roosevelt is franklin.

Balderdash!

Teddy roosevelt protected
america's wildlife.

Yeah, so he could
shoot it himself.

Franklin roosevelt
led this country

Through the depression
and world war ii.

Face on a dime!

Face on a mountain!

I hated the "roosie-velts"
and all them family dynasties.

The kennedys, the bushes,
jon voigt and angelina jolie,

Mayor daley and his smart-ass
son, the daily show.

That's a lot
of anger, grampa.

Well, I like stephen colbert,

But that's because
I don't get the joke.

And on July 1st, 1898,

Colonel theodore roosevelt
and his band of rough riders

Charged up san juan hill
and liberated cuba.

Cuba si!
Castro no!

I love teddy roosevelt because
he had asthma as a boy.

I love him because
he said, "bully."

The dude really knew

How to rock some jodhpurs.

Hey, maybe chalmers would let
you guys sit in on our lessons.

After me, men.

(chanting):
Bully-bully-bully-bully-bully!

I'd be glad to have you boys

Join our experiment
in manly education.

The fact is,
today's modern schools

Have completely failed you.

School failed me?

Does school have
to go to summer jimbo?

(groans, sighs)

Look at him, boys.

He is the canary in the
coal mine of a dying empire.

You're in my coal mine
now, bitches!

Yeah.

Boys are falling behind
in every subject,

Because our classrooms are
entirely geared towards girls!

It's all about feelings,
and celebrating differences.

But I loved reading
it's cool to cry!

Well, it's not cool to cry!

(sobs)

Boys need to explore!
Build things!

Wreck those things!
And then build them again!

Our first lesson begins
this Saturday,

With an overnight trip
to springfield forest.

Legend has it that teddy
roosevelt visited the forest

And lost a pair
of his trademark spectacles.

This weekend, we set forth in
search of those spectacles!

(all cheer)

This is all well and good,

But I must know:
What are spectacles?

Glasses.

Dolph:
One time, I found

An old washing machine
over there

That still had
clothes in it.

All:
Wow.

This place is as
beautiful

As the side of a
coors beer can.

The kind my dad used
to leave in the bathtub.

There are no bad fathers
in the wilderness, boy.

(growls)

(grunts)

(owl hoots)

Hmm?

You know, bart,

Morning's when I miss
my rosemary the most.

She sure looked good
in a pair of jammies.

(chuckles)

Nelson: Dinguses!
Dinguses!

Huh?

(groans)

I found 'em!

Teddy roosevelt's spectacles!

Ah, nicely done, muntz!

Could this be the moment my life
starts to turn around?

The moment I... (gasps)

Gravity blows!

Gary, you took these boys on
an unauthorized field trip,

And look what happened!

He got some bumps
and bruises

And a thistle in
his britches.

What is the big deal?

The big deal is
I'm gonna sue you!

Got me one of them "abogados"
from the bus ads.

He said he'll only
take "veinte por ciento,"

Whatever that is.

(spanish accent):
You have seen my picture on
the side of a bus.

And I am not smiling
because I lost the case.

Nelson:
Ha-ha!

I'm gonna take you
for every peso you got.

How did she know
we get paid in pesos?

They took my
job away, boys.

Where to, boss?

Just drive.

(tires squeal)

(grunts)

(grunts)

Maybe it is cool to cry.

(sobs softly)

Who can name
the three types of rocks?

Bart simpson?

Chalmers would actually
take us out to see the rocks.

You can see the rocks on page 32
of your science book.

My book is missing page 32.

Put your head on the desk
and shut your eyes.

My desktop is sticky with soda

From the kid
that had it before me.

Do as I say!

(groans)

(kids clamoring)

(grunting)

(grunts)

Stupid fish!

Don't you want to be
my din-ner?!

Hey, gary.
(sighs)

Simpson, you are looking
at a man who was not good enough

For the worst
public school in america.

Well, what would
teddy roosevelt do?

Son, I'm no teddy roosevelt.

I'm not even
kermit roosevelt.

(gasps)

I call this meeting

Of the brotherhood of the
spectacles to order.

Our mission:
To get chalmers back his job.

All:
Hear, hear! Hear, hear!

Bart, I want to ask you about
something I read in a magazine.

Are you boys cyberbullying
each other?

How could we be?

We're all in the same place and
we don't have computers.

Marge, I parented!

That's great, homie!

Come have some
ice cream on a brownie!

Later, losers.

I'm thinking of something big.

So big it involves taking over
the entire school...

And not giving it up till
chalmers gets his job back!

Bart, your mother thinks there's
something suspicious

About all you boys having
a meeting in this tree house.

Well, dad, since
you are taking

An interest in us, maybe
I should tell you...

Oh! Marge,

My ice cream's melting

And I haven't finished
my brownie!

Come in and get
some more!

You guys need to get a woman.

So, I'm considering
taking drugs.

Would the school advise
for or against that?

Oh, strongly against!

Would you like
to read this pamphlet?

Hmm...

Uh, well, would you
read it with me?

(giggles) oh!

You see, this boy took drugs
and his scores suffered.

(chuckles) yeah...

(snoring)

There's a car with its lights on
in the teachers' lot.

(gasps)

Late-'90s model,
coffee stains on front seat,

Stacks of résumés in back seat.

Bart, what are you doing?

Taking over the school...

With all the kids inside.

What?!

I'm telling mom.

Great. You can call her
from the closet phone.

Hello, mom?

You won't believe
what bart's doing.

There really is
a phone in there?

(scoffs)
so immature.

Yo, teachwads!

The brotherhood of the
spectacles has

Taken over the school!

Oh, no, please.

Don't make us start
our weekend early.

Our paychecks are
in there.

(screams)

Why didn't I sign up
for direct deposit?!

Bart, open this door now,

Or I will jiggle the handle
indefinitely!

Suit yourself.
We all rubbed it with boogers.

Damn!

Willie, break it down.

Nelson:
Not so fast!

Back it up or the
photocopier eats it!

(gasps)
oh, my god!

We've got a 30-year mortgage
on that photocopier!

Willie, stay your tractor!

Ye can't just turn her
on and off like that!

(engine stops)

Oh, I guess you can.

Okay, we gotta
stay focused:

Jimbo, gather all
the students in the gym.

Milhouse, take a nap.
You know how cranky you get.

I do not!

(siren whoops)

(tires screech)

Man (over p.A.):
Watch hannity tonight at 8:00.

Dog day after school?!

This is kent brockman outside
springfield elementary

With the parents of lockdown
leader bart simpson.

He's not a bad boy.

He had a teacher
who finally got through to him,

And they fired him.

Are you covering
me up?!

Yes, I'm afraid we are.

The least I can get out
of this whole nightmare is

Some face time on
the local news.

It's kind of my way of
sending a christmas card.

Happy holidays,
everyone!

Family's fine!

Dude, you better
see this.

Attention, brotherhood
of the spectacles:

You are ordered to immediately
evacuate the school,

And then return
to school where you belong.

I need to know that chalmers
will be taken care of!

We don't negotiate
with terrorists!

Or the people that supply
our uniforms and weapons.

We just pay
whatever they say.

Let me talk to the boy!

(grunts)

It's time for you
to stand down, son.

When I met you,
you were nothing more

Than a thick file
of infractions.

Now I see a young man I'm proud
to call my disciplinary problem.

Thanks. But these rough riders
aren't dismounting

Until you get your job back.

What do you
think, chief?

Can we take the building
without hurting anybody?

Well, if a group of muppets
can take manhattan...

(gun fires)
aah! Aah!

Job restored!

Increase in title?

Fine, fine.
You're super-duper-intendent.

That's all I ever wanted.

No hard feelings?

Nothing but hard feelings,
seymour.

(kids cheering)

It's beautiful, man!

It's beautiful!

Oh, my god.

Milhouse, did you take your nap?

Does it look like I took my nap?

(laughs crazily)

Bart:
Ay, caramba!

Sir, of all the books
and movies

About teddy roosevelt,

Which would you say is
the most informative?

No question:
Night at the museum.
One or two?

Take your pick,
you can't go wrong.

Captioning sponsored by
20th century fox television

Fox broadcasting company
and ford. Drive one.

Shh!