The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 23, Episode 19 - A Totally Fun Thing Bart Will Never Do Again - full transcript
Bart gets the family to take the cruise vacation of his dreams, and then launches a fiendish plot to ensure that it goes on forever.
♪ The Simpsons ♪
(stomping)
(pacifier sucking)
(alarm buzzing)
(sighing): Monday.
Here we go again.
(Hot Chip's "And I Was A Boy
From School" playing)
♪ The Simpsons 23x19 ♪
A Totally Fun Thing Bart Will Never Do Again
Original Air Date on April 29, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
♪ And I was a boy from school ♪
♪ Helplessly helping
all the rules ♪
♪ And there was a boy
at school ♪
♪ Hopelessly wrestling
all his rules. ♪
Sorry, kid, but
there comes a day when
that just doesn't
do anything anymore.
ANNOUNCER: Stuck in a rut?
Hmm...
ANNOUNCER:
Ready for a change?
(excited whooing)
ANNOUNCER: We built heaven
and made it float.
Royalty Cruises, one week away
from the everyday.
Visuals and commercial,
if anything, underplay
the thrill of actual
cruise experience.
(building): Want, want, want,
want, want,
want, want, want, want!
Want!!
(humming)
BART: Mom, Dad...
do you know there's a boat out
there where nothing sucks?
It's called Royalty Cruises,
and Royalty Cruise specialists
are standing by now!
(grunts) I'm sorry, sweetie.
Maybe we could afford
a vacation if some big shot
didn't pick up the tab
for his buddies at Mr. Steak.
Again with Mr. Steak! Do you
know why I go to Mr. Steak?
Because at Mr. Steak,
they don't get mad at me
for ending a lot of money
at Mr. Steak!
Well, of course they don't!
Why don't you talk
to Mrs. Steak?
There is no Mrs. Steak!
Who could stay
married to such a man?
Okay, maybe I can
pay for the cruise.
Let's see how much it costs
for a cabin on a low deck.
No porthole...
group Z lifeboat access...
Aw, it's still a ton of money.
Face it, we're just kids.
We can't afford stuff
with zeroes in the prices.
All we have in the world are
the things our parents give us.
Hmm...
Bart! There's a really mean
squirrel in the backyard.
I need you to dare me
to fight him!
(gasps) Huh?!
Bart's been raptured! And his
crap's been craptured!
(grunts)
Ah...
Why do you want
a box of Bart's baby teeth?
Doctor says I need more calcium,
and I ain't "Tums Rich."
(loud chewing)
(groans) I sold all my stuff,
and it's still not enough money
for the cruise.
Just try to enjoy
your dinner, sweetie.
I can't, I sold
my "dinner futures."
Nice doing business
with you, boy. (laughs)
Homer!
(groans)
It's okay. I don't have
much of an appetite.
I'm going to floor.
(grunts)
BART: Mom! Dad!
I woke up and the
money jar was full!
That means the devil
accepted my bargain.
Now, to uphold
my end of the deal!
Snowball II!
No!
We saw how much
this cruise means to you,
so we all
sold something special.
And we made just enough
for an economy cabin!
I sold a couple of my
rare jazz records.
After a while they all
start to sound the same.
(chuckles)
Still love the genre, of course.
Not even close
to getting sick of it.
And I sold our good china.
Really?!
But that's been in your
family for generations.
Yeah...
actually, my mom stole it
from a woman she cleaned for.
Took her years to
get the whole set.
And Dad donated something, too.
What happened to
my mini-pool table?!
I was training to be
a mini-pool hustler.
We sold it to pay
for a family cruise.
I never even got to realize
this jacket was too small.
It's weird to hear
myself saying this, but...
I love you guys.
This is going to be
the best vacation ever!
Yeah, for you kids, maybe.
For dads, a family vacation is a
24-hour-a-day babysitting job.
"Are you wearing
enough sun block?"
"Is that splashing or drowning?"
"Why does every sand castle
require my participation?"
Then a kid disappears,
and it's total panic
until you find him
at the swim-up bar...
eating a 30-dollar
cheeseburger,
which he drops in the water!
And here's the worst part:
I never get any time alone
with my wife because we're all
sleeping in the same room!
Look, that's our ship!
(Concert For Harp & Strings in
C - III by Francois Boieldieu)
Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but
your cruise is overbooked.
What?
I can offer you a cabin
on our sugar-free
fitness cruise.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to eight days
and seven nights
of pushups and kale!
(groaning) (groans)
Well, well,
Mr. Never-Wrong was right again:
Family vacations always suck.
I called it!
Called... it.
(grunts)
Homer, this is bad for you, too.
(conga chant):
♪ Worth it to be ri-ght! ♪
♪ Worth it to be ri-ght! ♪
(groans)
Wait a minute, I can get you
back on your original ship,
but in a different cabin.
Upgrade!
(all cheer)
I'm sorry, there's
been a mistake.
This isn't your cabin.
(Bart groans)
Double upgrade! All right!
(all cheer)
(groans) I knew it.
It was all a dream.
No, honey.
You just passed out
when you saw the private bedroom
in our triple upgrade!
I actually did it--
a perfect vacation.
You'll never guess how many
bath towels they gave us...
enough!
(squeals) Whoo...
And there's a
DVD library of movies
that haven't been released yet.
Whoa...
Whoa.
(chimes) Greetings, cruisers!
I'm your cruise director,
Rowan Priddis,
and welcome aboard
the Royalty Valhalla,
where the only rule
is "Always Have Fun!"
Your every need will be catered
to from our toddler's club
to "Condolences," our award-
winning luxury morgue.
Your enjoyment pays my salary,
so in a sense,
each of you is my boss...
and as my boss...
I'd like to ask you
for a week of vacation.
A week I will spend here
on this cruise,
performing my normal duties
as cruise director.
That's how much I love my job.
Bon voyage!
Whoa, a "Fun Schedule"!
There's so much to do:
Laser-Tag, Waterslide Bobsled...
(gasps) Oh! Ice Cream Snowball
Fight starts in five minutes!
(Bart and Lisa laugh)
Homie, we actually have
the cabin all to ourselves.
(moans)
Sex on a family vacation?
I never thought
such a thing was possible!
(both moaning) Oh, ho...
(chuckles) And the ocean
will do all of the work.
(both moaning)
HOMER: Ocean sex rules!
Go to hell, land sex!
(Marge moans)
(sighs) KidZone.
Let me guess:
A broken foosball table
and a game of Clue
missing its candlestick.
Lisa Simpson? Our KidZone
pre-screeners have placed you
with our most
sophisticated children--
"KidZone: Elite".
Help me study the effects
of rising ocean acidity.
No, help me tag
and release seabirds.
It's so diverse.
I've died and gone to
a PBS Kids show!
(blissful chuckle)
Two?!
(rapturous giggle)
All right, Fun Schedule,
you're about to get did!
(shouting excitedly)
(Ruslan And Ludmilla Overture
by Michael Glinka playing)
(song ends)
(giggles) Two diplomats' sons
are in love with me.
Who will I choose:
Ghana or Portugal?
Boy, thanks to you,
we're having fun--
"before you were born" fun.
Where did the ship stop again?
I don't know, a lot of barefoot
kids kicking soccer balls,
shell necklaces; they really
hid the poverty nicely.
Anyplace is fun if
you're there with "Super Lips."
(both chuckle and moan)
(chuckles) Your names...
I'm just glad everyone is having
the best week of their lives.
(drum roll, rimshot)
(microphone feedback squeal)
Whenever we reach the halfway
point of our voyage,
I like to take a moment
to reflect.
Hit it,
Gary Ocean and the Motion!
♪ Enjoy it while you can ♪
♪ Ice-sculptures, conga lines,
and working on your tan ♪
♪ Enjoy it while you're here ♪
♪ One week of glitz and glam
instead of pain and fear ♪
♪ In just a few days' time,
this boat pulls into dock ♪
♪ And when it does, you lovely
people may be in for a shock ♪
♪ Here you've made
exciting friends ♪
♪ Back home,
you'll all lose touch ♪
♪ Here, Hawaiian shirts
are cool ♪
♪ Back home, well, not so much ♪
♪ Back home, you'll be to tired
for making magic in the sack ♪
♪ So, eat buffet,
and play and pray ♪
♪ There's some delay
on our way back ♪
♪ Enjoy it while you can ♪
♪ Here at sea,
we drink and frolic ♪
♪ Back home,
that's called alcoholic ♪
♪ Your future's up
but parabolic ♪
♪ Enjoy it while you can. ♪
(cheering) Bravo!
Yeah, all right!
Oh, yeah!
(gasps)
(panting)
The song's right.
No matter how much fun
I cram into this cruise,
it only lasts a week.
Then it's back to Mom and Dad
fighting, Lisa moping,
homework, bullies
and a lunch bag sandwich
soggy with the sweat
of a juice box!
After this cruise, for the rest
of my life, it's all downhill.
(monitor beeping steadily)
(sighs)
Only good week of my life.
(monitor flatlines)
Haw-haw!
(monitor flatlines)
Why can't vacation last forever?
I've got to do something.
(gunshot)
Sorry.
(people chattering)
There's something I see
that's even more beautiful
than Ganymede, Lisa.
I... Oh.
That's right, Io.
But no moon of Jupiter
is as beautiful as you.
(sighs):
Oh.
(both laugh)
BOTH:
Purple!
(laughing)
(moaning)
(alarm wailing)
(static crackles)
This is General William Sullivan
with an emergency message.
I'm speaking to you
from a CDC clean zone.
Outbreak of the deadly Pandora
virus is spreading rapidly.
Precedented threat requires
a worldwide quarantine.
All ships must remain at sea
until further...
Humanity must endure.
(clamoring)
MAN: A virus?!
WOMAN: We're stuck on the ship?!
MAN: What should we do?!
(clamoring continues)
They're buying it.
They're buying it.
"Chillingly plausible" indeed,
Joe Morgenstern of
The Wall Street Journal.
Now to make sure no one can
call home to check,
with a little help from
the make-your-own-sundae bar.
Squirt, squirt.
Mmm.
(static crackles)
(chuckles)
Mmm.
(laughs)
(clamoring)
Our attempts
to contact the mainland
have met with nothing
but static.
It appears we have no choice--
to avoid the virus,
we must remain at sea
indefinitely.
(clamoring, screaming) Oh, no!
We're stuck here!
BART:
Woo-hoo!
Vacation forever!
ROWAN (over P.A.):
Good morning, everyone!
As we greet a sunny
Day 12, After Virus.
While the world
deals with their pandemic,
we're having a "fundemic,"
under the capable hands
of our Norwegian
Captain Svalbard.
I always knew mankind's
hubris would doom us all.
Ja, he spoke of it often.
Once we reach our exciting
and hopefully
virus-free destination,
romantic Antarctica,
our activities will include
building shelter,
hunting for food
and starting civilization anew.
While supplies may be
running a little low,
not to worry,
as today's delicious buffet
features fresh seagull
and hull-scraped barnacles.
In the Chuckles Comedy Club,
we have Joey Scazzazone,
with his
no-longer-observational take
on our pre-virus lives.
Hey, so what's the deal with
how many Starbucks
there used to be, huh?
I don't know why
that bothered me so much.
Hug your kids.
(feedback squeals)
ROWAN:
Need a break?
Then don't check out
the Sensations Luxury Spa,
which is now the stronghold
of charismatic cult leader
Dave the Lifeguard.
Mankind was warned
not to run near the pool!
Mankind did not listen!
The virus is his reward!
CROWD:
Ohm... ohm...
So, remember, rule number one
is "always have fun,"
because fun is the only thing
that will keep us alive.
Fun!
Worthless, worthless,
worthless.
Hey, guys, can you believe
how awesome this is?
If it wasn't for
this virus thing,
we'd all be back
at our old sucky lives.
Instead, you're here, where you
can be lovey-dovey all the time.
Come on, kiss.
Kiss!
Bart, we're too worried
to enjoy each other's mouths.
Yeah, and the customer
service on this cruise
has really gone downhill.
Drop dead, fat-ass!
Last week, that steward
brought me extra shampoo.
He called me
"lovely lady."
Hey, Lis, at least you nerds
are still geekin' it up.
What could be sweeter than
a vacation that never ends?
Sweet? Sweet?!
The passengers on this ship
could be the last people
on earth.
Like monks during
the Dark Ages,
it's up to the KidZone: Elite
to make a record
of human culture.
This group is adapting
children's classics
for the stage to entertain
generations of survivors.
Erik, we must work
with the humans.
You are so naive, Charles.
We should rule them
as conquerors.
Can't anybody enjoy
their forever vacation?
(grunts angrily)
Check it out!
The gallery was gonna
throw these paintings
overboard,
like they were
worthless garbage.
Bart, glad you're here.
We're all gonna watch
a movie together.
Yeah, a movie!
It is about time you guys
started having some fun.
Humanity must endure.
General, it's worse
than we thought.
The virus is getting bigger.
(roaring)
(screaming)
(gasps)
Bart, how could you?
Uh, got to go!
Man, I kicked butt
in the gladiator arena today.
I won the last package
of hot dogs on the ship.
I got robbed by marauders
on the way home.
There is no virus!
Bart faked the whole
thing with a DVD.
A direct-to-video DVD.
You stand accused
of letting down your team
during music trivia.
Your fun-ishment: eight hours
in the penal conga line.
(gasps)
(groaning rhythmically)
Excuse me, Cruise
Director Priddis.
My son has something
to tell you.
Speak passenger,
son of passenger.
It was all a hoax;
There's no virus.
(crowd gasps)
But the warning
from the general!
That was just Treat Williams
in a virus movie.
You know, I thought
that general looked familiar.
What?
I'm in a lot of movies.
(Simpsons gasping,
crowd grumbling)
I take back everything
I said to you
that night in the dolphin lab.
(gasps)
All that happened is we got
a little extra vacation.
Is that so bad?
MAN: I think I ate
people meat!
(groans)
I know my son did
a terrible thing.
But there's a chapel
on this ship,
and in that chapel
there's a book,
and it says,
"Judge not, lest ye..."
(groans)
After this,
I'll be lucky to get work
on a clothing-optional
Jimmy Buffett cruise!
What about the duty-free
stuff we bought?
"Never have fun!"
My booze and cologne!
(grunting worriedly)
(humming)
That's fair.
Sorry.
I deserve it.
Ow! That one really hurt.
Sorry, sweetie, I just needed
to get that out of my system.
This stupid prank is the most
selfish thing you've ever done!
I wasn't being selfish.
I did it for you guys, too.
Lisa, you made friends
with kids just like you.
Mom and Dad, you were more happy
and in love than I ever saw you.
It was the best week
of all of our lives,
and I wanted it
to last forever.
(Lisa and Marge aahing)
Choke on my numb blue hands!
(grunting angrily)
Oh... what the...
(groaning)
LISA:
Hey, up here!
You got to see this!
(gasps):
Ooh!
LISA:
From egg to baby to grownup,
we can see them living
their entire penguin lives
from up here.
(crackling)
(chirping)
BART:
What a load of crap.
They spend all their time
trying to raise a baby, and why?
So it can grow up and
do the same dumb thing,
on and on forever.
The penguin's life
isn't all bad.
Those ones are having a blast.
But the slide's just
like our cruise:
A short awesome thing
that just shows you
how boring the rest
of your life is.
Well, sure, life is
full of pain and drudgery,
but the trick is to enjoy
the few perfect experiences
we're given in the moment.
Yeah, stupid.
Stop thinking about fun
and have it!
("Winter's Love"
by Animal Collective playing)
Whoa... whoa...!
(laughing)
Hey, wait for me!
(all laughing)
What a great ride.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
Shh!
(stomping)
(pacifier sucking)
(alarm buzzing)
(sighing): Monday.
Here we go again.
(Hot Chip's "And I Was A Boy
From School" playing)
♪ The Simpsons 23x19 ♪
A Totally Fun Thing Bart Will Never Do Again
Original Air Date on April 29, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
♪ And I was a boy from school ♪
♪ Helplessly helping
all the rules ♪
♪ And there was a boy
at school ♪
♪ Hopelessly wrestling
all his rules. ♪
Sorry, kid, but
there comes a day when
that just doesn't
do anything anymore.
ANNOUNCER: Stuck in a rut?
Hmm...
ANNOUNCER:
Ready for a change?
(excited whooing)
ANNOUNCER: We built heaven
and made it float.
Royalty Cruises, one week away
from the everyday.
Visuals and commercial,
if anything, underplay
the thrill of actual
cruise experience.
(building): Want, want, want,
want, want,
want, want, want, want!
Want!!
(humming)
BART: Mom, Dad...
do you know there's a boat out
there where nothing sucks?
It's called Royalty Cruises,
and Royalty Cruise specialists
are standing by now!
(grunts) I'm sorry, sweetie.
Maybe we could afford
a vacation if some big shot
didn't pick up the tab
for his buddies at Mr. Steak.
Again with Mr. Steak! Do you
know why I go to Mr. Steak?
Because at Mr. Steak,
they don't get mad at me
for ending a lot of money
at Mr. Steak!
Well, of course they don't!
Why don't you talk
to Mrs. Steak?
There is no Mrs. Steak!
Who could stay
married to such a man?
Okay, maybe I can
pay for the cruise.
Let's see how much it costs
for a cabin on a low deck.
No porthole...
group Z lifeboat access...
Aw, it's still a ton of money.
Face it, we're just kids.
We can't afford stuff
with zeroes in the prices.
All we have in the world are
the things our parents give us.
Hmm...
Bart! There's a really mean
squirrel in the backyard.
I need you to dare me
to fight him!
(gasps) Huh?!
Bart's been raptured! And his
crap's been craptured!
(grunts)
Ah...
Why do you want
a box of Bart's baby teeth?
Doctor says I need more calcium,
and I ain't "Tums Rich."
(loud chewing)
(groans) I sold all my stuff,
and it's still not enough money
for the cruise.
Just try to enjoy
your dinner, sweetie.
I can't, I sold
my "dinner futures."
Nice doing business
with you, boy. (laughs)
Homer!
(groans)
It's okay. I don't have
much of an appetite.
I'm going to floor.
(grunts)
BART: Mom! Dad!
I woke up and the
money jar was full!
That means the devil
accepted my bargain.
Now, to uphold
my end of the deal!
Snowball II!
No!
We saw how much
this cruise means to you,
so we all
sold something special.
And we made just enough
for an economy cabin!
I sold a couple of my
rare jazz records.
After a while they all
start to sound the same.
(chuckles)
Still love the genre, of course.
Not even close
to getting sick of it.
And I sold our good china.
Really?!
But that's been in your
family for generations.
Yeah...
actually, my mom stole it
from a woman she cleaned for.
Took her years to
get the whole set.
And Dad donated something, too.
What happened to
my mini-pool table?!
I was training to be
a mini-pool hustler.
We sold it to pay
for a family cruise.
I never even got to realize
this jacket was too small.
It's weird to hear
myself saying this, but...
I love you guys.
This is going to be
the best vacation ever!
Yeah, for you kids, maybe.
For dads, a family vacation is a
24-hour-a-day babysitting job.
"Are you wearing
enough sun block?"
"Is that splashing or drowning?"
"Why does every sand castle
require my participation?"
Then a kid disappears,
and it's total panic
until you find him
at the swim-up bar...
eating a 30-dollar
cheeseburger,
which he drops in the water!
And here's the worst part:
I never get any time alone
with my wife because we're all
sleeping in the same room!
Look, that's our ship!
(Concert For Harp & Strings in
C - III by Francois Boieldieu)
Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but
your cruise is overbooked.
What?
I can offer you a cabin
on our sugar-free
fitness cruise.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to eight days
and seven nights
of pushups and kale!
(groaning) (groans)
Well, well,
Mr. Never-Wrong was right again:
Family vacations always suck.
I called it!
Called... it.
(grunts)
Homer, this is bad for you, too.
(conga chant):
♪ Worth it to be ri-ght! ♪
♪ Worth it to be ri-ght! ♪
(groans)
Wait a minute, I can get you
back on your original ship,
but in a different cabin.
Upgrade!
(all cheer)
I'm sorry, there's
been a mistake.
This isn't your cabin.
(Bart groans)
Double upgrade! All right!
(all cheer)
(groans) I knew it.
It was all a dream.
No, honey.
You just passed out
when you saw the private bedroom
in our triple upgrade!
I actually did it--
a perfect vacation.
You'll never guess how many
bath towels they gave us...
enough!
(squeals) Whoo...
And there's a
DVD library of movies
that haven't been released yet.
Whoa...
Whoa.
(chimes) Greetings, cruisers!
I'm your cruise director,
Rowan Priddis,
and welcome aboard
the Royalty Valhalla,
where the only rule
is "Always Have Fun!"
Your every need will be catered
to from our toddler's club
to "Condolences," our award-
winning luxury morgue.
Your enjoyment pays my salary,
so in a sense,
each of you is my boss...
and as my boss...
I'd like to ask you
for a week of vacation.
A week I will spend here
on this cruise,
performing my normal duties
as cruise director.
That's how much I love my job.
Bon voyage!
Whoa, a "Fun Schedule"!
There's so much to do:
Laser-Tag, Waterslide Bobsled...
(gasps) Oh! Ice Cream Snowball
Fight starts in five minutes!
(Bart and Lisa laugh)
Homie, we actually have
the cabin all to ourselves.
(moans)
Sex on a family vacation?
I never thought
such a thing was possible!
(both moaning) Oh, ho...
(chuckles) And the ocean
will do all of the work.
(both moaning)
HOMER: Ocean sex rules!
Go to hell, land sex!
(Marge moans)
(sighs) KidZone.
Let me guess:
A broken foosball table
and a game of Clue
missing its candlestick.
Lisa Simpson? Our KidZone
pre-screeners have placed you
with our most
sophisticated children--
"KidZone: Elite".
Help me study the effects
of rising ocean acidity.
No, help me tag
and release seabirds.
It's so diverse.
I've died and gone to
a PBS Kids show!
(blissful chuckle)
Two?!
(rapturous giggle)
All right, Fun Schedule,
you're about to get did!
(shouting excitedly)
(Ruslan And Ludmilla Overture
by Michael Glinka playing)
(song ends)
(giggles) Two diplomats' sons
are in love with me.
Who will I choose:
Ghana or Portugal?
Boy, thanks to you,
we're having fun--
"before you were born" fun.
Where did the ship stop again?
I don't know, a lot of barefoot
kids kicking soccer balls,
shell necklaces; they really
hid the poverty nicely.
Anyplace is fun if
you're there with "Super Lips."
(both chuckle and moan)
(chuckles) Your names...
I'm just glad everyone is having
the best week of their lives.
(drum roll, rimshot)
(microphone feedback squeal)
Whenever we reach the halfway
point of our voyage,
I like to take a moment
to reflect.
Hit it,
Gary Ocean and the Motion!
♪ Enjoy it while you can ♪
♪ Ice-sculptures, conga lines,
and working on your tan ♪
♪ Enjoy it while you're here ♪
♪ One week of glitz and glam
instead of pain and fear ♪
♪ In just a few days' time,
this boat pulls into dock ♪
♪ And when it does, you lovely
people may be in for a shock ♪
♪ Here you've made
exciting friends ♪
♪ Back home,
you'll all lose touch ♪
♪ Here, Hawaiian shirts
are cool ♪
♪ Back home, well, not so much ♪
♪ Back home, you'll be to tired
for making magic in the sack ♪
♪ So, eat buffet,
and play and pray ♪
♪ There's some delay
on our way back ♪
♪ Enjoy it while you can ♪
♪ Here at sea,
we drink and frolic ♪
♪ Back home,
that's called alcoholic ♪
♪ Your future's up
but parabolic ♪
♪ Enjoy it while you can. ♪
(cheering) Bravo!
Yeah, all right!
Oh, yeah!
(gasps)
(panting)
The song's right.
No matter how much fun
I cram into this cruise,
it only lasts a week.
Then it's back to Mom and Dad
fighting, Lisa moping,
homework, bullies
and a lunch bag sandwich
soggy with the sweat
of a juice box!
After this cruise, for the rest
of my life, it's all downhill.
(monitor beeping steadily)
(sighs)
Only good week of my life.
(monitor flatlines)
Haw-haw!
(monitor flatlines)
Why can't vacation last forever?
I've got to do something.
(gunshot)
Sorry.
(people chattering)
There's something I see
that's even more beautiful
than Ganymede, Lisa.
I... Oh.
That's right, Io.
But no moon of Jupiter
is as beautiful as you.
(sighs):
Oh.
(both laugh)
BOTH:
Purple!
(laughing)
(moaning)
(alarm wailing)
(static crackles)
This is General William Sullivan
with an emergency message.
I'm speaking to you
from a CDC clean zone.
Outbreak of the deadly Pandora
virus is spreading rapidly.
Precedented threat requires
a worldwide quarantine.
All ships must remain at sea
until further...
Humanity must endure.
(clamoring)
MAN: A virus?!
WOMAN: We're stuck on the ship?!
MAN: What should we do?!
(clamoring continues)
They're buying it.
They're buying it.
"Chillingly plausible" indeed,
Joe Morgenstern of
The Wall Street Journal.
Now to make sure no one can
call home to check,
with a little help from
the make-your-own-sundae bar.
Squirt, squirt.
Mmm.
(static crackles)
(chuckles)
Mmm.
(laughs)
(clamoring)
Our attempts
to contact the mainland
have met with nothing
but static.
It appears we have no choice--
to avoid the virus,
we must remain at sea
indefinitely.
(clamoring, screaming) Oh, no!
We're stuck here!
BART:
Woo-hoo!
Vacation forever!
ROWAN (over P.A.):
Good morning, everyone!
As we greet a sunny
Day 12, After Virus.
While the world
deals with their pandemic,
we're having a "fundemic,"
under the capable hands
of our Norwegian
Captain Svalbard.
I always knew mankind's
hubris would doom us all.
Ja, he spoke of it often.
Once we reach our exciting
and hopefully
virus-free destination,
romantic Antarctica,
our activities will include
building shelter,
hunting for food
and starting civilization anew.
While supplies may be
running a little low,
not to worry,
as today's delicious buffet
features fresh seagull
and hull-scraped barnacles.
In the Chuckles Comedy Club,
we have Joey Scazzazone,
with his
no-longer-observational take
on our pre-virus lives.
Hey, so what's the deal with
how many Starbucks
there used to be, huh?
I don't know why
that bothered me so much.
Hug your kids.
(feedback squeals)
ROWAN:
Need a break?
Then don't check out
the Sensations Luxury Spa,
which is now the stronghold
of charismatic cult leader
Dave the Lifeguard.
Mankind was warned
not to run near the pool!
Mankind did not listen!
The virus is his reward!
CROWD:
Ohm... ohm...
So, remember, rule number one
is "always have fun,"
because fun is the only thing
that will keep us alive.
Fun!
Worthless, worthless,
worthless.
Hey, guys, can you believe
how awesome this is?
If it wasn't for
this virus thing,
we'd all be back
at our old sucky lives.
Instead, you're here, where you
can be lovey-dovey all the time.
Come on, kiss.
Kiss!
Bart, we're too worried
to enjoy each other's mouths.
Yeah, and the customer
service on this cruise
has really gone downhill.
Drop dead, fat-ass!
Last week, that steward
brought me extra shampoo.
He called me
"lovely lady."
Hey, Lis, at least you nerds
are still geekin' it up.
What could be sweeter than
a vacation that never ends?
Sweet? Sweet?!
The passengers on this ship
could be the last people
on earth.
Like monks during
the Dark Ages,
it's up to the KidZone: Elite
to make a record
of human culture.
This group is adapting
children's classics
for the stage to entertain
generations of survivors.
Erik, we must work
with the humans.
You are so naive, Charles.
We should rule them
as conquerors.
Can't anybody enjoy
their forever vacation?
(grunts angrily)
Check it out!
The gallery was gonna
throw these paintings
overboard,
like they were
worthless garbage.
Bart, glad you're here.
We're all gonna watch
a movie together.
Yeah, a movie!
It is about time you guys
started having some fun.
Humanity must endure.
General, it's worse
than we thought.
The virus is getting bigger.
(roaring)
(screaming)
(gasps)
Bart, how could you?
Uh, got to go!
Man, I kicked butt
in the gladiator arena today.
I won the last package
of hot dogs on the ship.
I got robbed by marauders
on the way home.
There is no virus!
Bart faked the whole
thing with a DVD.
A direct-to-video DVD.
You stand accused
of letting down your team
during music trivia.
Your fun-ishment: eight hours
in the penal conga line.
(gasps)
(groaning rhythmically)
Excuse me, Cruise
Director Priddis.
My son has something
to tell you.
Speak passenger,
son of passenger.
It was all a hoax;
There's no virus.
(crowd gasps)
But the warning
from the general!
That was just Treat Williams
in a virus movie.
You know, I thought
that general looked familiar.
What?
I'm in a lot of movies.
(Simpsons gasping,
crowd grumbling)
I take back everything
I said to you
that night in the dolphin lab.
(gasps)
All that happened is we got
a little extra vacation.
Is that so bad?
MAN: I think I ate
people meat!
(groans)
I know my son did
a terrible thing.
But there's a chapel
on this ship,
and in that chapel
there's a book,
and it says,
"Judge not, lest ye..."
(groans)
After this,
I'll be lucky to get work
on a clothing-optional
Jimmy Buffett cruise!
What about the duty-free
stuff we bought?
"Never have fun!"
My booze and cologne!
(grunting worriedly)
(humming)
That's fair.
Sorry.
I deserve it.
Ow! That one really hurt.
Sorry, sweetie, I just needed
to get that out of my system.
This stupid prank is the most
selfish thing you've ever done!
I wasn't being selfish.
I did it for you guys, too.
Lisa, you made friends
with kids just like you.
Mom and Dad, you were more happy
and in love than I ever saw you.
It was the best week
of all of our lives,
and I wanted it
to last forever.
(Lisa and Marge aahing)
Choke on my numb blue hands!
(grunting angrily)
Oh... what the...
(groaning)
LISA:
Hey, up here!
You got to see this!
(gasps):
Ooh!
LISA:
From egg to baby to grownup,
we can see them living
their entire penguin lives
from up here.
(crackling)
(chirping)
BART:
What a load of crap.
They spend all their time
trying to raise a baby, and why?
So it can grow up and
do the same dumb thing,
on and on forever.
The penguin's life
isn't all bad.
Those ones are having a blast.
But the slide's just
like our cruise:
A short awesome thing
that just shows you
how boring the rest
of your life is.
Well, sure, life is
full of pain and drudgery,
but the trick is to enjoy
the few perfect experiences
we're given in the moment.
Yeah, stupid.
Stop thinking about fun
and have it!
("Winter's Love"
by Animal Collective playing)
Whoa... whoa...!
(laughing)
Hey, wait for me!
(all laughing)
What a great ride.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
Shh!